#287: Why You Both Think the Other Person Is the Problem in Your Relationship

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Have you ever looked at your partner and thought, If they would just stop doing THAT, we would be so good?

You can explain exactly why you react the way you do. There’s history behind it. There are things that have happened over and over again. You have evidence.

The frustrating part? So does your partner.

And eventually you can end up in a relationship where two people are absolutely convinced they’re responding reasonably to the other person’s behavior… while both becoming increasingly frustrated, defensive, and disconnected.

So how do you figure out what’s actually happening?

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we’re getting into one of the more challenging conversations we’ve had about relationship conflict. We’re looking at the subtle behavioral patterns that are incredibly easy to recognize in your partner and surprisingly difficult to recognize in yourself.

We’ll explore what happens when you’re both waiting for the other person to change first, why hearing your partner’s side can feel so threatening when you’re already hurt, and how two people can experience the exact same relationship VERY differently without either experience automatically canceling out the other.

We’re also sharing a few stories from our own relationship that made us realize just how difficult this is to see when you’re the one living inside of it. Including the return of the infamous alarm clock fight. 😂

And ultimately, we’re going to help you begin separating three things that may have become completely tangled:

What’s mine? What’s theirs? And what are we creating together?

This one may make you squirm a little. It certainly did for us. But if you keep having some version of the same fight and can’t figure out why neither of you seems to be getting through to the other, this conversation may help you see something you haven’t been able to see before.

Take the Free Better Love Quiz

If you genuinely can’t tell what’s yours, what’s theirs, and what keeps happening between you anymore, the free Better Love Quiz is a good place to start.

It looks at four relationship skill areas and gives you a personalized Better Love Blueprint to help you get clearer about where things are getting difficult and where you may want to begin.

⁠Take the free Better Love Quiz at BetterLoveQuiz.com

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

The Behavioral Nuance Carousel: Brooke mentions a visual in this episode that shows just how much information we have about our own behavior compared with what we can see when we’re looking at our partner’s.

⁠See the Nuance carousel on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/Dd9MBf6Ea-Q/?img_index=1

More on Defensiveness: We’ve talked about defensiveness quite a bit on Love Shack Live. If this episode makes you realize how difficult it is to hear your partner’s experience without immediately explaining, correcting, or defending your own, these are good conversations to listen to next:

#224: The Silent Wedge: How Defensiveness Destroys Emotional Safety
#159: The Hidden Trap: Disarming Defensiveness in Relationships
#138: Defensiveness: The Hidden Barrier to Relationship Growth
#118: 10 Tips to Overcome Defensiveness in Your Relationship (Part Two)
#117: 10 Tips to Overcome Defensiveness in Your Relationship (Part One)
#116: Communication Makeover: The Damaging Effects of Defensiveness on Relationships

Important Note

The framework discussed in this episode is intended for relationship patterns in which both people can safely participate in reflection and repair. It is not a framework for abuse, coercive control, intimidation, threats, or ongoing harm.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233, or you can text BEGIN to 88788.

Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know.

$9 digital guide. Start reading today.