When High Achievement Meets Faith: Perfectionism, Intellect, and Surrendering Your Gifts to God

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2:03You are listening to Blessed and Bost Up, presented by Anchor Demedia. An entrepreneurship podcast for Christians all about how to make God the CEO of your business. Get ready to be inspired, challenged, but well equipped to live and build your destiny his way. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Blessed and Bost Up podcast. I'm excited about today's episode. We have a special guest, my girlfriend to the show, Dr. Shala Walker. Pyeongpyeongpyeongpyeong. Hey, Shala. This, I feel like I have not had anybody on the show, definitely not in 2026. It's been a really long time. So I was preparing for and just wrapping my mind around how to approach this episode. Because the last couple of episodes we did, I did the new little segment.

3:07I guess we could call it search bar sessions where instead of doing audience questions, I looked up what people in the podcast target audience are actively searching for online. And we talked a lot about, of course, doing business God's way and how to pray over your business and just a lot of the practical, what does this look like to make God the CEO of your business. And something that was interesting though, because I answered those questions, but I also wanted to know about a very specific woman. I feel like when we grow in our faith, this is what happens. And I think this happens in church too, especially with like single people where it's like you're, you start off as a youth and then you go to a single and then you're married. And it's like, whoa, everybody's slow down. There's so much life to be lived in the just being you type of face without whatever the title is. And I think that when as women, especially who are very driven and high performing, high achieving women who get things done, everybody relies on us, what happens is once we come into the faith, we naturally dive all in and look to grow and obtain that depth in our faith.

4:24And because that's how we approach everything else, we approach everything with excellence is always the same way once we come into the faith. And then what happens is we grow in our understanding of the word. A lot of us are very talented in that shows itself we want to give to the church because it's who we are like we want to show up and exist and serve. And so we join a group join a ministry. We become involved in some type of way. And then I feel like once we're in that point of leadership, I feel that we get forgotten about a lot of the times our own care, spiritual care gets forgotten about absent some like major event happening. I feel like if when you know somebody dies, somebody gets sick, there's some major moment. We aren't forgotten about, but I believe that that discipleship of just really being there and helping to mold and grow and disciple someone spiritually gets lost with our demographic.

5:30And so I wanted to in my searching, I wanted to see what was this woman actively searching for because I felt like this woman often is the one that's doing searching online and trying to find her own answers because she's not opening up or people aren't inquiring about what she may be going through. And so I was reading through some of these questions and as I was thinking about approaching them, I thought about you because you recently re-released your book, sis pick up your sword and you and I talk often so we have these conversations all the time. And I thought that it would be great for us to have this conversation together to be able to provide language to this person to be able to provide support. And also like some real answers to some of the questions that she searches for. And so as I was going back through you re-releasing your book, I want to read this part that I highlighted because I believe that you're describing the woman that I just described as well.

6:33You said that when I first wrote this edition, or excuse me, when I wrote the first edition, I thought I was writing primarily for the baby Christian because that was how I still saw myself. I was learning how to study scripture, gathering the tools that helped me in creating the resource I wish someone had given me earlier. A new believer can absolutely benefit from this book, but I understand now that you may not be new to the faith at all. You may have been in charge for years. You may already read your Bible complete Bible study plans, serve in ministry, take detailed servant notes and know what the faith will respond to supposed to sound like. You know how to do the behaviors of faith, but the harder question is whether the truth you know has reached the places from which you are actually living. And I highlighted this because I feel like this hits on that space that I said gets overlooked with us because we fall into this demographic. And we find that community amongst each other, but we've often talked about how it's hard to find that outside of each other.

7:38It's like I'm going to church and the second you realize I could do something you want me to do here. It's like, that's cool, but also hey, I'm still a soul that needs some help. And so I want you to speak a bit about what you meant by that the harder question is whether the truth you know has reached the places from which you are actually living. What does that mean? I mean, that means having true transformation and not just being well versed in having what looks like the appropriate response. So later in that introduction, I talk about how I love Selena. You know, I'm taking like Spanish lessons, but she has a song, come on that floor. That is my jam. I know the words. I can sing the song. Do not ask me what she's talking about. I have no idea. Right. And so a lot of us in our faith, we look like that. Like we know all the words. We know like faith without works is dead. We can say that.

8:42But when it's time to translate it, when it's time to put it to work, it falls, even if we have an idea, it's not a complete idea to where we feel at a fight. We know and we have been exposed. And so like throughout the book, I walk us through these phases of like we some of us have been exposed to the word. And so we were some of us may even be engaging, but how do we go from exposure to edification to where this word is building me up. What it's worth doing what Paul says in second Timothy, where it's correcting and instructing and there's reproof. How do we move from point A to point C to where I am really seeing fruit in my life because a lot of us again, because we have a true hearts desire. We do learn the language. We do, we serve. We do the things that we think that we're supposed to part of it is we have learned that when we follow the rubric, right, because I'm a nerd.

9:44Like I write to the rubric. I do the rubric. I should get the good outcome. And that has worked for us. That's how we've survived. That's how we had success. Faith don't work like that. And so it's taking us like is learning even for myself how to move through my faith differently because this is not like one plus one is two. Right. It is, but there's there's sometimes an extra map and like there's some different order operations here, but it is really learning a new way of living and it goes against the tools that we've used to survive. Right. The adaptation that we used to survive and not only survive, but to have success. And that's why people are pulling on us and what they see the gift and the capacity that we have. And I recently had a conversation with my pastor about this of like I struggle because being being people who are gifted a lot of people who are high achievers to some level we are we are gifted beyond just like oh, like God gives everybody gifts like no like we have a cognitive like inclination.

11:00And because of that, we need a different level of discipleship. I'm not really sure anybody has talked about like how do you disciple somebody who like by the time I come to you, I've looked it up and done the things because of the level of intellect that the Lord has given me. And so my pastor, he's like that's actually really a really good point. And he agreed with me. I'm like I think that I need a different level of discipleship. Yes, we can sit under the word. However, who teaches us how to store this gift well. And so my prayer is that through the book. Some questions are answered. Some things that need to be re-learned or even learned for the first time are established so that way we have the ability to continue to build on that. So it's not your typical like fluffy. Here's how you read it's like let me take you all the way back to the beginning so you know what you got. We get into learning how to engage where I teach the you know the systems in the different ways, but really more so the mindset.

12:00And then finally that last portion of the book is about like now this is how you apply all of this to your life. Yeah, speaking of that application part and I love how you mentioned this that it takes it takes a different different level of discipleship to disciple gifted people. And man, that is a level of training that I feel I need like say who if y'all listen to this and you have the skillsets of field is gap. This is a real need. I remember sitting in churches and being like the scripture will say something let's say on the first day God did X. And the pastor will be like turn to your bibles here. It says on the first day he and they will use all of this emotion to read what's on the page. And I'm sitting there like bro I have reading comprehension skills just because you holler and use like your voice in certain ways don't make what you're saying.

13:04Profound the asthma attack voice. I hate it. Or I would hear them or I would hear pastors or I was sitting in church in the pastor will like make something that's make this correlation that to them feels so profound. And to be I'm like that is my son could have read that and got that and he says. And it made me sometimes look at myself like am I being arrogant or prideful because I'm like well maybe I need to find a church where like the pastor has a higher degree in some type of way or like some type of occupation that requires critical thinking so that maybe their method of communicating the word can have a level of depth that I'm not getting here. And there's no shade or offense to those people who don't have a higher education. I'm not trying to sound as if one is better than the other but within the context of discipling people who are gifted who are achieving folks.

14:14It takes a different type of environment. It takes a different approach the same way that it does for someone who was on the other side of this spectrum. Right. Someone like let's say like my sister has autism. She needs a different she still deserves to be discipled. She still has a soul. She has a different set of needs. When you're really cognitively inclined like you need a different set of needs and I agree with you. I wanted to check myself too because I'm like I want to be humble. So what I've learned is because my pastor like he's this is the first place where he like he goes to the group. That's why I'm like oh Alexa con. There are things that he I can tell he's gifted because he trained me in such a way right. And with that though. I think that it's important to like we can always still gather something so to me I've made it a not a game but a way the way that I engage myself is that when I'm listening to someone unless they are really just like not teaching the word.

15:20I want to still I know that the Lord can still deposit something in me whether it's a scripture that I may have not be as familiar with. Then I'm like okay after I'm actually let me read that book of the Bible so I find ways to engage even more. And also in my checking my own spirit God brought me over to Daniel 117. When he talks about Daniel let me actually read it when he talks about Daniel he doesn't just talk about Daniel having like wisdom like the spiritual gift of wisdom right. Daniel has Bible gave you an update at the website. Daniel has intellect right so I'm going to read it from the NLT and the ESV. So in the ESV it says as for these four youths God gave them learning and skill in all literature and wisdom and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams in the NLT it says God gave these four young men an unusual aptitude for understanding every aspect of literature and wisdom.

16:31And God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the many the meanings of visions and dreams. This episode is brought to you by ship station. If it ain't broke don't fix it sounds like a good phrase until you actually do the math for most businesses shipping is that thing. What is it actually costing you because if nobody is questioning that then it's probably costing way more than it should ship station makes switching easy and savings are immediate. Most businesses are overpaying on shipping without realizing it ship station automatically compares rates across UPS USPS and FedEx on every order with savings of up to 90%. Ship station connects to over 200 online marketplaces and the accounting and CRM tools you're already using no rebuilding no disruption and with built in returns management. You can even term returns into revenue without slowing down your team over one million businesses leveled up their shipping game with ship station with customers reporting scaling fulfillment up to 40 times while cutting costs up to 30%.

17:39The sooner you switch the sooner you start saving time and money get started with ship station today and get 60 days free at shipstation dot com with code blessed that ship station dot com code blessed. This episode is brought to you by net suite. We've been speaking a lot recently about AI and how it's changing every day work and that's the exact idea behind net suite next the next generation of net suite with AI woven into the details your business already relies on net suite next surfaces insights exactly when you need them puts agents to work on routine tasks and problems. Let's you ask complex questions and plain language like talking to a knowledgeable colleague but technology is only part of the story AI is also reshaping how people and teams work together and that shift is already underway. That's why we want to put a new expert created business guide in your hands today.

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20:51Make an impact on your child's learning get I excel now and blessed and bust up listeners can get an exclusive 20% off I excel membership when I sign up today at I excel dot com slash today visit I excel dot com slash today to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Intellect I think sometimes we think that intellect is in opposition to God God gave us these brains. And he gave like he gave Daniel yes wisdom like that's the the interpretation and the use of information that is you being guided and surrender to the Holy Spirit he also gave him a spirit to give to be able to interpret dreams but he also gave him intellect Daniel was well versed in they were in Babylon. He was well versed in the culture and it allowed him to operate there and do the things and that's what I love it's given me a deeper appreciation even for the Daniel fast because to me it was less about like it's the beginning of the year so we're going through to vegetables because that's what we I think we reduced to two like I'm like this.

22:00This nothing wrong with doing it but we I feel like we missed the point to me now it's like yeah y'all I'm changed my name. I'm living in this in this place I've had to learn the way to child do things but his intellect. His identity was not superseded by the intellect that he had and I think that's important it's like yeah but I still. I'm a child of God and let me demonstrate by again being in alignment and asking for the great like he understood the law he understood what that. Who is it the unique that like whoever the person over them what he was laying on the line because he was he was well versed in the culture he understood and he's like hey let me do this. And I love that even though God gave him aptitude in a level of understanding it did not.

23:02He still served God he still did like played his role played his part he still used his spiritual gifts he still had to have a level of wisdom and not like when everybody's about to die because they couldn't interpret the dream he's like hey let us fast real quick like he's still his intellect did not run his life but he still had it and allowed God to use it and so I think that. That it's both it may it gave me some reassurance like okay it's okay to be. What is the issue is not that we have a level of intellect matter of fact you're giving it to me and so now let me use it to your glory and let me and God like please bring me leadership that can help help me learn how to steward it like check my little smart brain because she does need boundaries. She these boundaries and so I've been submitting my mind so even like most recently this is something I don't like but I'm doing it because I'm submitting to the Lord in response to that when I get these ideas and I'm researching I now have to hand right my notes before I can move on to the next thing that I'm researching.

24:09It has slowed me down and I think that's the point. Yeah. So there there's nothing wrong with having intellect and wisdom or like it will even just intellect and I think that some of us have to even just accept that we have that first because we have been criticized or not even told that we're gifted but a lot of a lot of us quote unquote high achieving if we took an IQ test. Yeah it was show some things. And I think that's a good point that you mentioned about still showing up anyway because I think that what will happen is we'll get disappointed because we'll go into let's say a church and we feel like the message isn't deep enough for it isn't hitting the way that it should or whatever there's something that we have identified is lacking and then we get disappointed and because we are. Intelligent we then become self sufficient and so we say okay well i'm going to read my Bible on my own or i'm going to just watch these sermons online i'm going to just do this or i'm going to just do that.

25:20And then we for go the gathering because we're frustrated by it not being what we wanted to be and I think a part of it is the way that the online spaces now we really can tailor and picking choose so many different things and we're almost intolerant to a space or we have to just. For it now always measure up and we have to just sit in that that's a bit less tolerable now because of the way things have grown but I love that you made that point because i want to emphasize that for anybody who hasn't been going to church in port person or you are. Feeling is if you can't find the right church and you're being very picky about it and all of that I would suggest that you still go and I know for me this has been a struggle for years and we you and I talk about this all the time i'm like man I want to have my family in a church we were a part of one.

26:21It was time to move away but we're trying to find a space for us some churches are great but they don't have children's church i got three kids I think we had nothing to talk about what all of them. It has to have children's churches logistics thing the teaching has to be sound and just some of those basic things were very hard to find especially in my area the DC area is just a lot going on. But even the space that the church that we've been going to now regularly. The reason why I was like okay this is a space that we are going to take root in and BJ felt the same way had nothing to do with how articulated articulated articulates the pastor is and had nothing to do with any type of. Special way that he communicated the word or some some deep understanding that he made it unlocked it was none of that when I walked in I felt the presence of God and it was like cold ice water on a hundred degree day it was.

27:32It was one of the most refreshing experiences that I had in a long time I immediately got Terry out when I walked into the sanctuary I was like oh I don't know anybody even say nothing yet at that point all we did was dropped the kids off their respective classrooms and went into the sanctuary and I'm tearing up i'm looking at the song the music isn't even my style I like old school gospel. I don't like CCM or any of the guitars and all I don't like it yeah I want to hear everything that you've been through in your voice I want to hear all of it you. I want to go again I want the very deep South Baptist Church music I love that kind of gospel it was. It was non black people with their guitars saying Jesus in the most proper way glory to your name God yes it's like whoa this is different it is but I'm still tearing up because no matter what they're saying or how they're saying it in a way that may not be my preference that the spirit was there.

28:51The focus was on worshipping the Lord not God I'm believing for you to do something for me it was like I am here to worship you I am here to exalt your name I am here for you to touch my heart so that I could be better for you like there was just such a refreshing sense of humility and focus on like really putting Christ at the center. At the center that belongs it's not crazy that that like that's a criteria that's refreshing like that's this is literally his name is like that like even be that with that it sucks but that is how it was and I was like man this is wonderful and we have ever since and saw challenge anybody who may be treating your list for churches you look for. Like you treat somebody what a date just go and let the presence of the Holy Spirit speak to whether you should stay or not because I think to go like back to your point once some some people have a tighter boundaries for churches then they do for them.

30:19Let's be for real. Let's like let's be honest like girl you don't need to stick to it like no to again God can use the foolish things to them found the wife yeah and so that's why one of the hallmarks of people who are cognitively inclined the course of the events over the last couple of months have I've been sitting with the Lord about myself. And doing this and then did the testing and found out so I'm like okay cool cool cool cool cool now submitting my mind to the Lord in a different way that Romans 12 and two some of it is to like one of the things that our hallmarks is like curiosity and so again even because sometimes it's like I think my frustration is like how many times me my flame talking about this how many times my past that I come up here and talk to y'all about how y'all treat each other like I'm about to come in.

31:19Why do we have yet another sermon series on sad topic like it can feel it can feel repetitive because you have grasped the concept but there's always something you can learn right and so people who are really like cognitively inclined there's always a level of curiosity that we should have it the Lord has you in this space and you like and he's told you hey don't leave this church or hey go to this church. Whether or not it fits our preferences that's something I started training myself on a couple of years ago where I can listen to a trial Stanley I don't need you to hoot and holler because what happens is we find a certain delivery of the word and it's okay to have people that you like but you can miss. Something that God has for you that he wants to bless you with because it's not right to the package that you want and so as long as it is like you said Christ at the center sound biblical teaching yes logistics because like I don't want to be able to hear the word and not these kids like I need like those things matter outside of that do not be afraid to gather with believers because they look different we had a service once we had the last

32:39year of the church that also rents the property like rents from a rent from us on Sundays we did a worship day together again I know some Spanish but the minute I had no idea what they were saying. I was ball I felt I'm like I said this is what heaven is going to be like like to listen to worship music in another language and just like it brought it did something to me on the inside of my body that I have not like I'm like I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm like I have never felt this it brought me to tears because I'm like this is what heaven is going to be like like so don't we can allow our into like in our perfect everybody's not going to be pan. I love pan down I do that man loves Lord on fire got everybody's not going to be him and so we have to like we everybody can't go to 28 19 guys like we can't all be in the same building like fire regulations as we have to be okay.

33:39What I love even about pan he's like go to your local chart like he's trying to send people to sound churches and people keep coming to this one space everybody's not going to preach like that but are they preaching the word of God and so I think that that's really really important as we talk about. Intellect and and all of that so remain curious and open and at level that level of vulnerability is what allows us to to experience God in a new way if we can't. A lot of us our intellect the skills that we brought have allowed us to survive some things that have been rough and something that the Lord has said to me recently is like charla you don't need to survive salvation. We're done like you've been rescued that's what's up that should mean stop you can't be in survival mode while being saved because I've rescued you so you don't need to survive being rescued talk about that little more what is what do you mean by what does being a survival mode while being saved look like it looks like.

34:48Taking things and this is because I want to I've worked this through this in therapy in with the Lord being a survival mode so things even like intellectualization that is a defense mechanism that our brain has right we use these things to survive traumatic experiences negative experiences so for a lot of us people who were like people pleasers perfectionist. These are things that we always are like me and I'm so perfectionistic there's a reason why you're like that we didn't just wake up like this right we're not beyond. We have been placed in situations and scenarios where whether overtly or covertly we've been trained in condition oh I realize when like for me I grew up and my mom is struggles and so it was not really safety around her. I learned how to read her emotions I know how to people please I know how to do like being I had no being perfect and not seen kept me safe kind of being out the way let me make sure bring home these a's I ain't trying to embarrass nobody like it kept me from getting my head knocked off right so now as an adult we have learned to do those things very hyper vigilant very like I can tell when the tone in somebody's voice to change changes or like.

36:17So I'm not a subtle like little subtle subtle things like sometimes that's the star and it's sometimes it's hyper vigilant and we utilize people pleasing over like being overly responsible because we've been identified these are things that we condemn ourselves for as an as adults but the first thing I had to realize and accept was this is what kept me safe. And I One had to grieve a little bit of like dang we had to do that but I'm grateful to God that now I don't have to use those things some time to a certain degree because God uses all things for our good. The person who who leads to people please when the right boundaries are put in place you're very empathetic right and God will use that the person who is perfectionistic again right boundaries in place I have a lot of integrity in my work and I do good work so God will use these things but when we now that God has rescued us saved us made us new adopted us as his children we no longer have to engage with God the way that I like I engage with my mother.

37:28I'm like is like is that okay like you think you met him me like oh let me do everything perfect all the time so that we God is not mad at me let like we bring a lot of that survival mode thinking living and being into our salvation but he's got his rescue does and so we end up living like how we find ourselves with how it's talking the book of where it's like I'm trying to I'm concentrated so much on following the rules and not messing this up that I don't experience the relationship fully because I'm trying to follow the rubric because following the rubric kept me safe and that's how I know to survive. This episode is brought to you by Breeze meds everyone's talking about GLP weight loss medication right now what people don't know is that getting started is so much easier than you think with breeze meds is all online no clinics no waiting rooms and it's medically supervised weight loss that actually fits into your life.

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40:44And my opinion the artsy stuff painting drawing sign up and get 10% off at better help dot com that's better H.E.LP dot com. This episode is brought to you by ship station. If it ain't broke don't fix it sounds like a good phrase until you actually do the math for most businesses shipping is that thing what is it actually costing you because if nobody is questioning that then it's probably cost. And it's probably costing way more than it should ship station makes switching easy and savings are immediate most businesses are over paying on shipping without realizing it ship station automatically compares rates across UPS USPS and FedEx on every order with savings of up to 90%. Ship station connects to over 200 online marketplaces and the accounting and CRM tools you're already using no rebuilding no disruption and with built in returns management you can even turn returns into revenue without slowing down your team over 1 million businesses leveled up their shipping game with ship station with customers reporting scaling fulfillment up to 40 times while cutting costs up to 30%.

41:59The sooner you switch the sooner you start saving time and money get started with ship station today and get 60 days free at ship station dot com with code blessed that ship station dot com code blessed ship station dot com code blessed taxes and fees apply. What you're speaking to echoes what we started off with about how this particular nuance is one that's often overlooked because these same survival tactics the way in which they show up. You can ask me to do things and they're going to be done well and you're going to praise me and say oh you're doing your working with such excellence God has pleased with you and all that your spiritualizing something that actually needs to be called out yeah.

42:59And so a lot of people miss this nuance and I'm glad that we're talking about this because because it's very easy to make that transition into the Christian life and because these behaviors look good on the surface and there are noticed because of that a lot of the times how do we people who recognize them as an issue and want to be different. How do we then recalibrate and reset those default settings and allow the Lord to because that's the answer how do we allow the Lord to recalibrate us so that we show up differently. One of those two things one. Is really understanding God's standard because church culture and what the Bible actually says are not the same thing right God absolutely is a God of order he calls us to operate with excellence but excellence and perfection are not the same I am learning in.

44:20This season the importance of really understanding the definition of words again not in a space of like I need more intellect but the enemy is so cunning to where he'll burn you out in church but isn't this the same Jesus who said that his his yoke is easy and his burden is like so that doesn't add up right not that you won't have stretching and you won't grow but you're like burnt out which is a term that we actually use for oxygen. We actually use for occupational work like so even in that is like if this is feeling like a job and not and not like a a place of worship yes I do serve but even Jesus was like hey yelling eight all day getting the boat okay so we have to we have to first understand God standard and then second understand his character so I have a tendency to lean toward being perfectionistic women when I went to go get. My testing done the one of the things that the the psychologist said people who are cognitively inclined we are more perfection our brains are wired that way we need order and structure not in a in a pathologic way either it's just before I can type I need to clean his desk off it's just the way that our brains work so stop like not even in fighting that however comma the Lord said to me.

45:48If you could be perfect why would I need to take my son to die for you and I said. correct charla. You can't set a standard for yourself that I haven't said. You see because now because now I'm beginning the Lord and I said whoa. Let me stand in child's place okay let me be let me be a child and so it's okay to want to do things with the level of excellence. But the minute that I am self-condimming the minute that I am. Overstepping everything with the Lord is really about the minute I am outside of the outside of I'm eating from the other tree okay the minute I'm eating from the other tree. And not the tree of life. Because I think I want to know everything I'm over here to treat it didn't need I like we know how that works out I have to go back and re calibrate so what I have started learning is the minute I feel super overwhelmed about something.

46:52I've missed something somewhere I take a step back I think I've even I've recently even like hey girl I'm fasting because I'm filling over when I'm about the fast just keep this X lines the employer. And I came about that fast. Okay one day all of my answers because I'm learning that when I get overwhelmed that means that I somewhere have I'm out of I'm out of order not in a way of condemnation but now I see overwhelmed. As assigned that I'm leaning too far right that's that is literally what Paul is talking about like beat anxious for nothing that word anxious is about being divided into several parts. Overwhelmed as an emotion is about you having so much on your like you have too much on your plate. Somewhere I have missed up. Let me set everything down and that don't mean like the day that I fast that I had to work so it doesn't mean that I'm just you know rots of time in my closet but I am not listening to no podcast as I'm in between patients I'm like okay God like I'm just going to sit here and like you like you see what I'm doing with I don't really know what it is or I'm not and just in between patients he would have speak to me and I'm just going to write I'm going to write the right things down my lunch break I decided to work.

48:20I'm going to read my Bible it's it's being able to live my life understand like something is all take the time to recalibrate and then he gave me the answer so it's it's partly one knowing God's character. Yeah God will stretch you but he's not going to stress you to it's also understanding nuances like look up the definition of perfection and look up the definition of excellence. They are not the same concept when you start studying these concepts that we that we hold true to those subtle nuances matter and I hate the saying the devil's in the details. I'm like no you're you're deliverance is actually really in the details you're right why would you just need to come if I could be perfect. Does and to my very logical branch that duh. Duh and so it's not you know that we act willy nilly I think for a lot of us high achievers that's not even an our character to do that so like grow you know what he was saying like hey.

49:30What we think my therapist said Charlotte what you do it 30% is a lot of people's 100% and you don't realize it cuz it's your brain. Yeah. Tatum what you do on your 50% day. People are like this is phenomenal I know you've experienced this before we're like I didn't have time this didn't turn out and people are like oh my God it's the best thing I've ever seen in my life. You're like this isn't good. That's because to us with this extra cognition we have to learn to accept that I keep saying like our what we have different light bulb water to other people. So it's not in a way that is self-exalting but it's just understanding because I'll over talk people like over talk people in the depths of my study sometimes maybe too much for who God's trying to get me to talk to. So some of it is just understanding that God's giving me the ability to see the whole picture but he needs me to deliver it in certain way and that takes a level that's where the wisdom comes in and between like the intellect and so yeah yeah.

50:47I think that something that me and BJ were talking about the other day where I think the nature of our conversation was I was telling him about. My perspective on like what a wives groups or when single people are preparing to be married and I was telling him that for me I wasn't sure maybe because I got married at a younger age to young like mid 20s but maybe because I got married at a time where I hadn't been single long enough for it to be that big of a deal. I know some folks you know once you get into your 30 let's say you've been single all the time you want God to send your husband and you're preparing for your husband and all of that. I was in a phase where I was still young and turned so I just so happened to meet BJ at work and the first time he asked me to his girlfriend I was like no because I'm not trying to get rid of my roster like I was very much a mess. I love your father's.

51:48I'm with that serious. And so at that time though once we seriously got together and in that progress to marriage I wasn't at the phase of life though where being single bothered me at all and I had said even now as it relates to my approach even to motherhood where I can't. I don't feel drawn to do things that are just around being a mom like we ever see that were folks that just this is the whole identity. Yes or this is the wives group or I'm preparing to be a wife and all that and I was like I don't understand that approach because. We're isolating certain hats that we wear or things that we want to achieve and trying to like work on those things in isolation if I work on only one arm i'm going to be. Miss proportions like I can't even think of the world right now like what i'm going to be big i'm going to be little y'all see men they bench press the down workout they legs the upper.

52:48Strong like they look like ice cream cones i don't like it them jail bodies upper. The legs little yeah because the work. Wasn't. Rightfully distributed and so i was telling him that i don't understand that approach because for me. If I just focus on. Me in my growth not in a selfish way but understanding that my role as a wife as a mom and all of these things are make up who i am. If I just focus on taten being well and growing as an individual dependent on the Lord. You will direct me as to what season i need to focus on what and how. Yes and but i was telling him though that i feel that that approach is so different than everybody else because i talk to folks i know who are saying good and like yeah you know i'm in my single season and i'm like well why is this season labeled by not being married i don't understand.

53:56Yes or i'm preparing to be a wife why yeah why are you preparing to be a wife as opposed to just living your life i don't understand yeah it's because Christian culture. Has yeah exploited the desires i talk about that in the book is like hey. There is there's nothing wrong with having desires. I also. Like last week right now me in the order i'm talking about decision making it i really think this is where he's leading me too because a lot of us struggle with decision making and. We assign we get we can get very disappointed in gotten with God because we get decisions. The weight of our desires hmm i'm getting ready to move. If i attach me moving to this new city.

54:58All of my life desires to it. That's not even reasonable that's not even practically reasonable but we do it just as people it's okay to have desires but we're. attaching the weight of our desires to a decision and i was like i just told you to move. What that was it we have to stop doing that because then there's this level of disappointment i've been. In this space to where i don't like i have another one i don't like i believe that a lot of people talk about healing a lot we don't talk about recovery. And because of that that's why we get these half like you have one on big one on there's a wrestler who his bicep is torn and he won't get it fixed and i'm like you're gonna look like that man. He has one whole bicep and one one unicent and i don't like it i love him but i don't like it his arm looks like this i want to stress i want you to fix it okay. But that that's why our lives don't look and feel whole we don't approach them whole yeah and so.

56:06With healing. We need we do need that but everybody's only healing journey when do we get there i'm tired like. Like and then your meme you don't have no friends everything we've. gained language but some of the language some of you i need to put it back okay it's like when i talk when i use my Spanish and the grammar is terrible and my teacher be like Charlotte. I feel me okay. I feel like. Because now we have all of this language we know where the trauma came from that's important we know all of these things that are important but it's like okay now what yeah right. I like in it to. Again like you because we need to recover. Healing somebody break the arm we're going to put it in the cast bones are together healed. Do can't have they regain enough strength and their arm to lift up a coffee mug and go back to work do they have enough fine motor skills back in their arm to button buttons use a fork.

57:16We are not talking about how to reestablish function after we get go through and do these things healing. Put you back together okay hope you don't be but you have to learn how to how to function again and. In me. Coming through this phase of life that i'm coming through i recently am divorced i have had to go through like oh. That's why like i have to start reestablishing what it looks like for me to function. Some of this to is that we have these idealized ways of how we think our life is going to work and we have not accepted like hey you just going to have to make an adaptation here. To you know my dad was in a car accident his hip is not i'm joking say he is one and a half hips but you know he like doesn't like he doesn't move around as he did pre accident right.

58:18He can still walk though he has new limitations but he is functioning. Some of us have not accepted like i'm not going to like i'm not going to have this full uh like self idealized thing yet. Grief that. So i can figure out how to make the adaptation my dad has to walk with the cane. He's still walking though yeah and so we're more so fixated on. Not except like not just accepting like hey you know Charlotte like it's unfortunate and also my mom's not healthy to be around. It stinks it has moments real moments where it does not feel good. I don't love that this is the lot that I have in life that doesn't change it. The Lord has brought women into my life that love me care for me do the thing nobody's going to replace having a mom right but if I keep trying to force this woman to be something that she's not I keep putting myself in a position where my arms are.

59:33Keeps getting broken. And so recovery looks like how do I establish or reestablish function what adaptations do I need to make. And it makes them doesn't mean that we're not sad time to time mother's day like you but but you're able to live and build and do and that's why we don't address the whole person because we're hyper fixated on our desires only but if you. Are a woman of God operating your purpose doing this to you'll be prepared for motherhood you'll be prepared to be a wife. Ruth was mining her business. The story ain't even about that but she was mining her business in the field she just decided to stay with her mother lost. She gave her life to the Lord and left those other gods and and truly decided. I'm only for the Lord and in that was redeemed but also Boaz being the kinsman redeemer like Jesus redeemed us it's really about foreshadow and Jesus but okay.

1:00:38We just we should be making it about. Find a man. Like the kinsman redeemer for us the kinsman redeemer for us is Christ. But yeah it's just that we nobody's taught us also too nobody's taught us how to live like that like we've just been parentified most of us not everybody everybody doesn't have the same story but it's like parentified we've had to live these disjointed lives we don't even know how or why to do things so one of my one active part of recovery is enrichment which is why I take Spanish. It ain't nothing I just want to do it because we'll put things off until I want to do this then I'm gonna and you get there in this dull and if it feels like a dud and now you're disappointed because we've attached so much of our desire to something like that doesn't make practically girl you just got a degree that doesn't be that your husband will be the graduate like could it happen sure we watch too many Disney movies.

1:01:41Something that I hear though and you talking about healing versus recovery and the reason why I brought up the conversation that I had with BJ is because a lot of us who are high achieving people the Lord has given us a unique perspective on how we see things and if we're not careful we can be self-deprecating versus allowing those differences to increase our sensitivity so that he can guide us into how he wants to use that perspective so for me I'm looking at this whole approach of separating motherhood and being a wife and separating these roles or wasting your time preparing to be a wife versus just you know you could tell this about us me versus just living and experiencing all got what God has for you in that particular season my perspective is more holistic because I can then go and teach women no let's talk about the God match formula and how

1:02:50the Lord has shown me that this is the approach that's going to allow you to excel let's talk about um a big uncompromising and let me teach you this framework that's not about that balance and how to juggle all of these things together but how to exist in a way to where your life operates in harmony let's talk about that and so my frustration just breathes thought leadership and the Lord will show me things that I could then be able to have a different approach to be able to help people and so then for you you going through your life experiences and and you having to heal has forced you to realize like actually it's not recovery I'm tired of healing that there's a difference because healing is just this I know my mom is not okay gonna let me to demure this man who also not okay okay get it I get it guys like so now my things are like okay so now what yeah we everybody knows about okay cool you think everybody's a narcissist you don't even know the DSM 5 criteria that's fine

1:04:02we're not getting to that there's so much language I'm not going to minimize anybody's anybody's anybody's any of that what are we doing with it yeah because information without any of the application is is nonsense like what what do I do with this now yes I understand my triggers what does that mean and how do I now live life to where everything doesn't trigger me some people like you have so many boundaries you don't have no friends and you're not nice like that so so you're still not living you still have no relational depth because you think that you're building boundaries but you're actually building barriers you're not going to have for relationship with out vulnerability including with the Lord so you're going to have to recover enough to where you know like like these are the criteria for a place where I know I can be really vulnerable you have to learn discretion that's a big word film okay like like it's that kind of stuff that we have to learn and so like cool like please heal

1:05:12go to therapy I know I'll be on my therapist in a week to like Charlotte please but I think so to bring it back to the core of this discussion about high achieving women or people who are very intellectual and we spend a lot of time in our head we can if we do not protect that sensitivity if we're not present and we allow ourselves to just be stuck into whatever we're thinking about or whatever our desire is we will miss what God is doing yeah and something I I've thought about recently I like to read biographies because I like to learn how people became who they are like the greats of the world so I read in recent years biola davis is a biography a couple of years ago we'll Smith's biography a few years ago of course

1:06:14like Barack and Michelle Obama's more recently Katangi Brown Jackson the first black women's Supreme Court justice I have a couple more on my card I want to read one from Don Staley the Staley of Staley I'm tired I can't remember but she's a WNBA coach all I love her yeah she's great and so just a couple more but I am always intrigued by folks reach like the top of whatever their respective fields are and how they get there and something that always stands out to me and this isn't even happening this week because at school we had a lecture with Katangi Brown Jackson and she gave a lecture to all the law students and answer questions the underlying thing that is always interesting to me that is relevant to us as believers is that people who are able to excel at a very high level truly have mastered the art of restraint and sometimes we can be even

1:07:20incentivized to do do do and that's because our output is so good a lot of the times where people want us to do because they want to reap the benefits of us doing something for them but there is a particular advantage to being able to exercise restraint especially as a believer to where you can have this drive and desire to say I want to start this business because I want to be the poverty breaker on my family and I want to achieve this level of success and so that's driving you that's motivating you and because you are the type of person that goes out and gets it done that fuels light to fire onto that and if you go out and you're making it happen and you trust in the Lord yeah and I'm putting that in air quotes because probably just running too fast to even be able whatever it is that he's saying and so what that does is that is just a recipe for not being aligned

1:08:21and so there is an and moving quicker than you should and so there's a level of restraint that we have to exercise when we go into let's say if you know you're in the season where you really just need to grow closer to the Lord has been time with him and you go into a church environment don't just try to join a ministry right away just be a member give of course and do your part but you don't have to go lead something just exist as a member or if you are reading the bible you don't have to set this goal of I'm going to read the bible this the whole bible this year but what does that do why doesn't matter if you read it all but it hasn't transformed anything in your heart but we have to have restraint yeah it's in be intentional about what we deploy all of our greatness to and so that is a I don't know the right word but that's a discipline I think it's a discipline to that

1:09:30that I don't believe is discussed enough and to be honest is one that I believe is just learned by experience like I'm out of the frameworks that I tell people like if God gives you a business idea write it down close the book and wait till he tells you when that's just learned from experience yeah or having a business meeting with God and this is how it goes and all that that is just learned that's learned from experience yeah so some of these disciplines and frameworks will come from experience but I think having being mindful to say okay let me make sure that how I'm moving is at a pace that's slow enough for me to be present and for me to be for me to be sensitive so that I can operate with a level of restraint and then deploy my greatness which is all of the things that makes us to exactly what he wants me to apply it to yeah then I would

1:10:33like watching what he does with that there isn't there a term in business to not only restraint but also a level of constraints of like what I don't do yeah because for a lot of us we are multi-talented multi-passionate and we have to learn like so in the health care field when you're doing an experiment we have exclusion criteria I'm not studying you not that you don't matter but for this study these are the people who are included that is something that I am learning because again the way that my mind works I can see that I can see the answer it's very clear but that does not mean that that God is calling me to the answer sometimes it's for me to give the answer away which is very counter-cultural because not even after 99.99 that would just tell the person over here like it's for you to give to that person so they can go do what they

1:11:34need to do in the kingdom we're a body right so sometimes it is about it's about yes restraint and constraints of like I don't do that like I know I could for instance so many people are like you need to open your own clinic oh crap bring all my kids to your clinic if I don't want to do that I don't do that I don't want to deal with the VFC the vaccine people like and keep the refrigerator certain that like there's a lot of stuff in the lifestyle that I want to live I don't want to be on vacation worried about what's happening at the clinic I don't want to deal with call outs I don't want to do that could I yes am I qualified sure do I have the licensure and the people yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't want to do that right and so learning constraint as well and also because the nuance this is not for people who be avoidin doing the things some of us are so

1:12:36we can see big so we go and then some of us are so in like analytical that we don't move at all and so you you don't want to delay obedience is still obedience and you also don't want to be doing 700 things because we we have to learn how to steward ourselves because he we are finite God has given us limitation to remind us of our humanity and so when we try to operate outside of that you gonna be stressed pressed and just falling out and also I'm responsible for the things that which is why part of the reason why I went back to this book I was I started writing a book about recovery and in the process I went back to this because I was not pleased with like this wasn't the legacy of this book it didn't the first one was good I feel like I was like he needed me to see like see you can do it now before you move on to what I'm calling you to do next you

1:13:38need to like you need to readjust and readjust this like we have to be able to know where and when God is calling us to steward a thing to this will never have to make the like I'm not worried about when I write this like oh a New York Times best seller this is that in the third God reminds me like on Friday when I was talking to a mom I don't even remember how we got to this conversation but she said something about building her discernment and is literally in the subtedle is book and I said I may or may not have wrote a book I said just go in there and I put my name in there mm-hmm but she's going through a divorce like literally in in nursing school and I say girl look I have to laugh at the opportunity that God gives sometime because like what was the likelihood of you popping onto my telemedicine call and God knowing but it's moments like that and so just being aware that our intellect everything that we are everything that we do is for God's glory and so

1:14:42it's important especially and I know that we're talking about like getting out of our head use your mind we have to understand the difference between participation and avoidance mm-hmm the way like we have too much insight into what people are doing in their quiet time it's actually it's annoying one two it's giving us this false idea of what quiet time should look like my quiet time I'm usually like yes journaling but I have my Bible I have my computer open I'm looking stuff up and I'm still but I'm having this conversation with the Lord and he's allowing me to like write it down if I try to sit the way that my brain is wired not because I watched many TikToks like I am constantly I constantly have thought and ideas the Lord knew that he wired my brain this way so when we talk about there's a difference between me like working through

1:15:44this with the Lord and whatever way that works for you some people walk and pray some people do like the diversity is fine am I participating and allowing the Lord to participate or am I trying to talk my way out of oh that really hurt my feelings right I had to sit with God of like okay so you gave me this woman she had birthed me right I couldn't pick that why you let me pick that man you like nothing happens outside of like nothing is your fault like you like the Lord literally could make things not happen you're sovereign why okay that's in Spanish why like why I need to know I can see the connection I understand I was really irritated with myself at a world point of like but you smart though huh like that like that can be so frustrating but I was not avoiding like got that like that makes me feel like I may not be as smart as I think I am or as you made me to be

1:16:48or hurts my feelings that I had to I feel like I've experienced this because of this and like I if I had gotten the right amount of nurturing or this or that like I could have avoided the pains a divorce and this and that and the third and the Lord was like but I was with you in it all I need like if I had not gone through these things am I sitting here talking to you about recovery and it's not that guy's like oh I'm gonna I'm gonna kill with this that's it's not that but it's just like he's like I'll use it I'll use it like these these lessons it's not his intention well not yeah it wasn't how he intended the world to be like we live in a fallen world and so these things happen and he'll use it and all of it I also when I look back I can see God's hand over my life even though I was in two two very fundamental relationships in my life were not healthy at all look at where I still am right like but God I have a doctorate in this and that

1:17:54do I become the same person with the same level of empathy and understanding do I go back to school and get my psychiatry certification unless these things happen probably not because I'm just bopping around having a good time and so it's when you're sitting with the Lord are you participating or are you talking around the subject like that's what like the defense mechanism of intellectualization it's fine that you're like man my feelings are really hurt I'm frustrated this is what frustration means God like what what is this how do I deal with that that's one thing but if you want to acknowledge that you're that you're even frustrated right if you're trying you're busy trying to problem solve in a different way and God is ringing the alarm over here like hey we really got to talk about the relationship with your mom because that's how you got into this Smith and I'm like no God because this man like that's that is this level of

1:18:56and like intellectualization as a defense mechanism but it's different from you being an active participant right like I think about my nephews over there they love to ask questions why today today maybe you see it's gonna do some reason why but that level of curiosity right like it makes room for correction so like worse that like that is us using our intellect it makes room for God to give us insight a lot of a lot of great questions I again because I'm a nerd I've started studying like the questions that God asks in the Bible I feel like that's important mm-hmm like what kind of questions are you asking a lot of times like it's always to help us locate us because you're omnipotent omnipresent Adam where are you he knew what M.A. was it? he needed Adam to figure out where he was at yeah that's good

1:20:02Kane why are you angry huh and we're trying to say God's not emotionally intelligent he is trying to get you to locate the issue so it's okay right like like having being being someone who is smart it's fine asking God questions is fine understanding like when he correct the job he didn't even say he didn't even get him statement he started asking the questions also also you know what it's done in the stars in the moon that's not what he said but like he was asking questions so far with those like my bad right he was giving Joe perspective you're worried like you're looking at this I know all the monsters in the see do you know the monsters in the sea I don't want to know I watch nothing at geo to know God I don't I don't want to see whatever the one he's trying I don't want to see it so I'm good what you right let me feel for here and worry about these issues that I have it's

1:21:02so important to know like God's not against us having conversations and questions but once we start we can explain our feelings but like move away from the experience like take them anybody will tell y'all one thing about me I'm a cry look good bad and different I'm and I've had to learn that I had a point in time in my life where I had shut that off and I called Tatum and I said God told me I have to like be sensitive yeah I don't like that I actually got condemned for that growing up people call me a crybaby but that level of sensitivity is a part of how he wired me the I feel intensely so it causes me to emote but in me trying to block a part of that off to protect ourselves this is why your salvation and your survival camp they they can't coexist you have to allow yourself to feel because it's not just the negative

1:22:03feelings that I'm blocking off it's also my ability to feel the fullness of joy because I'm cutting off circulation and I said oh so again there's a level of vulnerability in order for us to have this full experience with God. We can have vulnerability y'all know we started this off by talking about me looking for what our audience the woman that we've been talking to this whole time is actively looking for online I have some questions that I want us to answer I'm going to break this off to be a part to the questions so we're in this beginning part here I pray that by us just having a very candid conversation to speak to what I believe is someone who is it addressed directly enough in her heart after like we're addressed often and what we could do for somebody. We'll lead a ministry you hear me say but not often do people speak to our heart the things

1:23:11that we contemplate the things that we write in our journal the things that we talk to God about I don't believe that folks speak to that place often and I pray that you felt seen and I pray that you got something from this conversation and that it blessed you in some type of way I did language with something that you are still figuring out and or did you just felt comforted by the conversation so thank you so much for listening to part one we're going to stop here and we'll pick up with part two. At QVC fall shopping is more than just checking out it's discovering the brands you love across beauty fashion home and culinary all in one place whether you're getting ready for crisp mornings cozy nights or everyday moments QVC has what you need for the season ahead with brands like Loric Eller philosophy ninja and so many more shop now at QVC.com

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