Well done Andy Burnham! At least the prisoners are happy

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1:00visit telegraph.co.uk slash newsletters today hello and welcome to the weekend tea with me Poppy Coburn and me Michael Deegan Michael I have to ask you where you in Liverpool last week no funny enough you won't let Labour Party conference no I tried to be as far away from that sort of thing you didn't find me to our new prime minister's brilliant speech that everyone has been naughty as the greatest thing since last bread did I miss out horribly I think say well I mean his speech was quite a funny one because everybody said it was very emotional obviously spoke about his late father and he's he's a better speaking and care starmer all the wow the bar is quite low for that one not really sure it's the compliment people think they're making when they talk about him but it was pretty light on content and the content that we were kind of teased to get as the big you know event

2:01it was going to happen was the end of the triple yes well that mean that is big isn't it that is big I mean you know that's they're planning to scrap it possibly in 2030 if they get reelected and naturally enough quite a lot of pensioners very I'm happy about that but I want to say something about this because I think there's even worse to come because they won't just stop at scrapping the triple lock because that won't just magically fix the public finances where I think there's more to come the next thing they will push for is means testing the state pension so I think I I I've heard people suggesting this already and I think what effectively what will happen is if you work every day of your life and pay national insurance all the way through your life for decades in end you'll get nothing you will get nothing back if you don't do it a day working your life never never never never pay any national insurance yeah you'll get a state pension so it'll be just for you that is the future yeah I found the whole thing a little bit unnerving to be able to deal I'm apparently not alone because of the markets also freaking out so Andy Burns big thing is this social care push she wants to do a national care service because everyone's looking at the NHS and go got that model so fantastic I wish we could expand that out to another area of public life

3:09the thing is it sounds very expensive to a national care service it's one of the reasons why politicians have kicked it down the road for many decades now because it's very difficult and you've got an aging population to have a national care service that's free at the point of use and the way he said he was going to fund it was by James end of the triple log so I did go to X and I was like I seem to think it's probably not going to work out it's not so what they're doing is that they're kicking pensioners they're going off the triple log which is something that I think Labour Party members enjoy particularly those who falsely believe that by going off to pensioners now it's going to make their situation any better trust me it won't particularly if you're in work for a scheme that is definitely going to cost us billions of pounds that is going to necessitate a tax rise which funny enough he didn't bring up and then you know what I'll say I say well look our economy is very sluggish we need growth to fund things like social care and ending the triple log and that hasn't actually done it what we need to do the only way to get growth back is we've got to rejoin the EU and that's another thing Andy Burns was suggesting this

4:09week he was hinting that you know it is possible that in the future he could you know say we should rejoin the EU and that interests me really because it's the opposite of Andy Burns usual message isn't it he's always talking about the importance of devolving power to local people reach on the EU well that's the opposite did he hear his reasoning is the exact opposite his reasoning for this is so funny I thought it was that I got a sketch while I like unions of all forms that was actually his reason for going back into the European Union for getting closer he likes unions of all forms yeah so I like trade union trade unions and therefore I like vast super states you could tell you thought about it I mean he's clearly put he's really put the work into it I mean it's a it's a cutting room floor of all the bad ideas that even key standards terrible government was like we can't do that we're not that desperate yet we're clearly we've got to that point of total desperation because as you say it's not going to do a thing for growth it doesn't care about growth it actually mention the economic growth at all and this is about how can I I want money to people that I like and take money from people I don't wish I was pleasure so it's classic way to work and even there's one thing I don't just say something

5:16positive I know a lot of our readers be very very happy if our prime minister tried to take us back into the EU but I think there would be one upside for our readers in the EU you can't tax education so basically if Labour take us back into the EU they'll have to drop FIT on school fees so there you go let's let's look on the bright side it also might help our farmers a little bit maybe this is maybe this is the way we're going to save ourselves as telegraph employees were coming out now saying European Union please save us from low party there you go there you go there's another party conference coming up a deep in party conference season conservative party conference will be starting on Sunday and I will be there really you're one of the star speakers are you can't say I'm a star but I will be there with a JLUC we are doing a young conference young conservative conference event which would be at six o'clock on Sunday so please do join us if you're going to be there I was immediately asked the question when we were planning this poppy when you were young conservatives you must have been obviously working at the telegraph now you've got right with politics

6:20not quite guys actually if you if you do a bit of giggling you can find out that my politics and I was young well very strident but not quite correct I was actually a cold night back really yes you've just used the phrase when I was young you are young now how long ago was this my life is short so everything feels like it was very long ago this was 2019 so I was 19 years old practically last week it feels it feels to me a million years ago how old were you in 2019 I was 19 I was yeah it's very easy to remember I was okay yeah I can't say I made the best decisions at the time you can also see from the clothes that I was wearing that perhaps wasn't entirely in my right mind so you swear dungarees quite a lot right so okay well yeah I guess that's you know uniform for young Corbinistas but so you're just in choice so you were young Corbinista so do you have any friends who young conservatives or did you used to what did you used to hang out with them friends

7:22friends who are young conservatives and it absolutely not I was pretty appalling to us I think what did you do what I just I just just point in laugh at them that was that was usually a no you're a bully you're bullying young conservatives I'm sorry I know at the weekend you're you're going to be hanging out with them they think I'm going to get revenge on you the first question I'm sure someone's going to ask me is well you know when you were young poppy when you were a young lady he did you vote and I'm going to have to say Jeremy Corbin and then they're all going to come attack me and then they're going to say you can serve to now I'm going to go oh I'm not talking about who I'm waiting now I can't believe you've admitted this in public your secret shame I have to be completely honest because it is out there I mean just wait till you find out what I was doing with Extincts for a Ballon and then you really roll these your heads oh my god I least I hate my heart at least I wasn't dressing up as a woman hey that was you all right I was thinking I was thinking I'm sure you were dressing as a woman well I think I passed I mean you're dressing as a woman male I think I passed fantastically didn't you okay well more political news not particularly pleasant this week the early release prison scheme is finally coming to fruition it's been the week that people have started to be let out on mass

8:24you can see that people aren't particularly happy about it including some of the prisoners I did see one photo that a photographer might as you get of a guy holding a plastic bag over his head but you think is quite a good way of not identifying yourself apart from and this is quite a major problem it was a clear plastic bag so you could kind of see his head you could also cut a breathing hole into it so he just like he was doing a really crap Halloween costume basically but anyway these people are now walking our streets again and there's one fantastic video where you can see one of the prisoners is recently released and this is posted on the ex-cal of the Shadow Justice Secretary Nick Timothy thanking Andy Burnham for letting him out of prison do you have a message for the Prime Minister Andy Burnham? yeah stop sending people to prison in first place people don't need to go out and help them before they get there it's not you should stop stop stop thinking about your money and I'm thinking about people's health like I can 50 I've been in an out of jail I'm here I'll be right I'm I've been in jail 300 I've been in I've got 360 convictions

9:26it's health I need I've got an addiction to stealing yeah this doesn't help me yeah I'm gonna have to go what are you gonna do now I don't know I'm gonna go stealing again I'm gonna go stealing so I'm back in because they helped me this time what are you gonna steal I'm whatever I get whatever I get it's it's pretty on the nose there thanks mate thanks for letting me go I mean and then he's just gonna go up and come another crime immediately afterwards well yeah I mean exactly you had a you had a prisoner talking to journalists, journalists, you know so what are you going to do now you've been released and he just openly says I'm going to go and start stealing again quite I mean quite quite openly and the reporters are a bit bemused by this and they then ask what are you going to steal like and I thought I was like waiting for the follow-up questions where are you going to steal it from what day what time just going to pass on to the police I would save them a bit of bother you know with the with arresting you and putting you back in prison again so yes it was it was quite extraordinary I suppose with our criminal justice system being one of this I mean you may as well just be honest you may as well just tell the truth it's not like there's actually any consequences for you stealing

10:27right you get your bad and bored get to enjoy some food I guess you get to indulge in drugs as well completely right throughout prisons probably have quite a fun time when you're back on the streets again well there you go since we're on the subject of criminals and police chaos what on earth is going on at R.A. Fairford now I don't suppose you know the answer because nobody seems to but I mean I don't even know what we can say about it what was happening there with the arrest of these possible terror suspects and then releasing them on bail and then who knows what they were up to what were alleged to have done so I don't know elements the story so I remember waking up on the morning that because it happened in the early hours last weekend and then waking up and going oh god that looks like it's pretty serious today it was air base that was used by the Americans so I carrying out the wrong wall so you immediately think is it a raining state actors it's a serious terror thought we start to get more details coming through that in the light potentially making bombs and then there was a really fantastic bit of news which was apparently they were discovered by a person who was coming back from a party was driving through the countryside

11:32he suddenly just saw a group of what they discovered was middle eastern men just running out of these white vans you know into the undergrowth and and they immediately called the police and that was apparently part of the reason where they were caught and then we got a contradictory bit of information that these people were apparently discovered by one of the masterminds and ledgered masterminds in this case calling the police on themselves I can't make it it doesn't make any sense sorry this is full lines this is just the first of all lines yeah fantastic film you know I love that scene where they're in the van on the way into London and they're just singing dancing in the moonlight imagine that was perhaps maybe that's how they were caught they were just blasting music out their white van on the way to potentially Blahpah R.I.F.A yeah I mean it's not often you get many comedy films about Islamic territory if anyone's not seeing it yeah four lines by Chris Morris things released 2010 do what if you can I tell you one other thing that I find totally battling that this story which is that as I mentioned earlier okay they released his suspects after 24 hours on bail

12:37and I thought that's a bit odd but also because here's another story from this week on Tuesday BBC anti migrant activist Daniel Thomas also known as Danny Tomo has been refused bail during a crown court hearing over the alleged slashing of a dinghy in the English channel hang on a minute you can be released on bail if you are suspected of terrorist activity however if you are alleged to have damaged some property belonging to a people smuggling gang no there's no bail for you and you're too dangerous now you're staying here sunshine yeah so if you again just to explain that again so if you slash a boat in the English channel some of you who's currently in the process of committing a crime you are a dangerous threat to British that's a security because you're trying to stop people smuggling okay and if you are potentially trying to blow up an air base that's fine like that's okay you've got a good legal case well how about you go you know go puddling around the countryside you know taking some of the scenery and like maybe we'll come back to you and charge you with a crime

13:38I suppose I'm tying into the prison really story they're going to go into prison for potentially trying to blow up the air base and they'll be out within a couple of months you know someone will be interviewing them what you up to do next I'm going to blow up playing A.I. is transforming sales support and every customer interaction in between but too often you're sold a different A.I. agent for every job that changes with Finn Finn is a single customer agent that works across the entire customer journey from qualifying sales leads to resolving support issues, Finn works across teams carrying context from one conversation to the next meet the agent making perfect customer experience as possible at Finn.ai Netflix's new series East of Eden is a bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal and the choices that shape our humanity starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the conflicted Trask brothers and Florence P.S. Kathy Ames

14:41the complex dark and fascinating anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants no matter the cost dark epic and impossible to look away from watch East of Eden now only on Netflix Every house has a beginning our starts with a rebellion this is not just fashion this is freedom that worn out loud a place where individuality isn't a look it's a law perfect is boring the algorithm doesn't know you you do a look is never just a look it's a declaration it's time to step out and into somewhere new step into the house of Burl and find a burling to near you we move on to a story that at least makes some sense to me I don't think it's going to make any sense to you because it's about football and this is all about Manchester City you know anything about this shall I provide a brief explanation you're going to have to find a complete explanation

15:46as far as I can tell there was something to do this week with Manchester and the Burnham bottle caps maybe there are other football related stories this is how little football comes okay basically Manchester City are a team that used to be very very unsuccessful and then in the past couple of decades they got taken over by some rich people and they started winning lots and lots of trophies but then there were allegations that they might have been up to some financial degree poke-poetry cheating basically and finally after about three years of investigations an independent panel has ruled that they are guilty of cheating now Manchester City are protesting their innocence they say they're going to appeal but it looks like they could face some very very serious punishment if they are found guilty I mean they could be expelled from the Premier League relegated down goodness knows how many divisions we don't know yet but it's very very serious basically so if you're someone who plays Sunday League football I mean look out you might be playing man City next weekend you never know we don't know how we don't know how we don't know how we'll live down

16:49you have like a fantastic you know football match against we don't know what's going to happen to them they're former manager Pet Guardiola who has managed for much of this time he's a released a statement saying to his old club I'll always be behind you now I don't know if he means behind you in the queue for the prison canteen but anyway there you go he's released no other comment on this Hagon what is this cheating scandal because I imagine you can't just pay off the referees they like looking no there's not not bribery but sort of just fiddling with the books to enable them to spend more money than they should have been spending anyway so they want to spend even more money on football than they can? well there are lots of restrictions on how much you can spend relating to do you know what it's even talking about this is starting to ball me I mean I actually like football but anyway basically they've been let's be more and something much more salacious let's be more than something much more salacious I love this story of their lady in Tennessee

17:49who's been on death row for now I think it's 30 years or so for committing a horrific crime which was 18 so we murdered death row for the body awful awful so obviously she's on death row the whole point of death row is that you're about to die she's in fairly for injection lethal again pointing the word they somehow managed to botch this lethal injection so what they do is they rush her to hospital can you explain this to me Michael so they botch a lethal injection like botching a lethal injection as the name would imply means that you're still alive isn't the whole point that you want to kill this person well yeah I mean essentially one moment the state is trying to kill her in the next moment it's trying to save her life and I find it's quite confusing but then I think what happens next what's the plan if you succeed in saving her life are you going to reschedule her execution so essentially you are saying the thing her life so that you can kill her yeah it's like something out of a Joseph Heller novel you know catch 22

18:52sometimes that kind of sort of hideous black humor isn't it and yet it is real there's quite a bizarre thing that's going on with the US or the Eastern injection so lots of people who don't agree with death penalty they're trying to deal in any way that they possibly can to make it more difficult to execute people they go after the pharmaceutical companies that make the chemicals that are put in the lethal injections they launch all these appeals I mean she's been on death rate for decades they tried make it impossible so there was a last minute injunction that they tried to stop it on the grounds that she was abused as a child which is like well that's a very long time ago so not really relevant so they went ahead with it anyway even though it didn't work but what is bizarre is that you would not actually allow to pick how you're going to be executed anymore because they have these very strange restrictions on strange unusual punishments so a lot of it is being done on the state level even if you would put in your own request so this lady apparently has become a Buddhist not quite in keeping with her kind of whole I'm a murderer thing I think the first rule of Buddhism is that you don't harm other people but there you go she's a late-to-life convert and she wanted an all-female hiding spot

19:52what a feminism what a blow for equal rights my child can you give me a hand I mean the only way they can have massed that one up is if you miss and then you all you have to do is realize I mean it certainly said that the problem of the study here at a hospital I'm very impressed by how much you know about it it's like we've sort of morphed into a true crime podcast well those are very very popular maybe we should very very perfect and it will say I have to say for my demographic P.M. women we are a test of true crime why is that? I think it's got something to do with it at the back of your head you like scaring yourself it's like people who like to case see horror movies I love watching true crime stuff because usually the victim will be like it was a young woman with middle-parted hair and I'm like that's me that's me I'm one of the people that he would have killed it's like there's some weird psychological thing going on where you're kind of scared by it but you're also fascinated by it it's completely massive men always find this absolutely incredible I do I do I'm so incredibly weird but anyway perhaps we should talk about something slightly lighter celebrity traders that's their pot of shanty that's just launched

20:56this week and I don't know if you're a fan were you watching? you know what I usually general television but I do actually quite like the traders there you go because it's such a phenomenon you have to keep up with it I very much like Alan Carr last season just being what I thought was the worst trade I didn't think you could get a worse trader than he was he was getting into giggle someone would say like are you a trader? you'd be like oh I'm just nervous and just nervous but we seem to actually you've had an even worse trade to this time around unless it's some fantastic scheme from Richard Grant Richard he Grant yeah he is you know with the one I actor he's from from the sector so he's he's he's telling episode one he seems to have given away the fact that he was a trader just of course not what you are supposed to do what are you? Trater you're what? Trater he's a traitor are you? no right what's the point of being the game if you're not? right okay he's been sort of acting as though it's it was a gaff whoops I didn't

21:58me to do that how are we going to cover this up? I think he did it on purpose I think you're right I mean he's very clever mandrel so he's an actor he's an award winning actor he can act doing something silly and make you fool himself I think there's a deliberate attempt to actually steal the show which he has done because that's all anyone's talking about I completely agree with you I think it's a fake out I think it's a very very because when he actually gets on the subject if someone says oh you are a traitor do you think I'm not stupid? do you think I'm actually that stupid I just confessed to you that I'm a traitor on day one I think he's got a good chance of winning well yeah we shall see we shall see there you go we'll all be watching I'm sure well this is a story that I know that would have irritated you my fault because it's got all the classic features of Labour Idiosync so we're going back to Labour Party conference and a fringe event and I think a lot of Labour Party politicians they come relax and they go to a fringe event they're like no one's here everyone's on the main stage watching Andy Barnham do a speech or listening to John Healy try and convince the country who's still got cash so they can just be here they really are they can say what they really think about the country that they presume to govern

22:58and one such MP decided to go on a bizarre rant about far right fantasies of pubs with with warm beer on black laboratories could you can you explain what this bizarre for a fantasy actually is my car? No absolutely can't I do not I cannot for the life of me understand how having a pint in a country pub with a black Labrador at your feet is far right or something I don't I don't yeah obviously everyone anyway everyone's been joking about it and saying black labs matter and all the rest of it very puzzles me is that why she specifically mentioned black Labrador surely a black Labrador can't be a white supremacist I mean if anything a black supremacist it's the white Labrador you want to watch out for you know they're the ones protesting in Portsmouth and bursting dings and things like that so you know watch out for them but funny enough I do I say it is perhaps possible for a dog to be racist and I'm going to explain why I don't know if you're a fan of curb your enthusiasm the British the brilliant British American the brilliant sitcom by Larry David anyway there is an episode of it in which Larry goes to the pound and adopts a dog

24:00it's not a black Labrador I think it was a German Shepherd but anyway you know he's walking around introducing his friends of one of his friends who is a black woman says that dog is racist that dog every time it sees me it it barks on me it growls at me really aggressively and yet with white people oh it's always very friendly with them I think your dogs are racist and Larry's going oh my dog's a racist can it can it be anyway at the end of the the upside there's a bit of a twist because what Larry finds out is his dog is not racist it's homophobic it was barking out and not because she's black she's a lesbian there you go see that's the problem I mean what do you do in that situation that's supposed to be a Labour Party if you just put the dog down you know for being too offensive that's it what you just questioning the dog at a pound is just like what do you think about trade unions what do you think about the European Union you know would you take us back in Nigel Farage and just waiting for it to stop growling just just wait it I think they're going to rule that black Labrador's are a breed of

25:00dangerous dog yes not because of them biting people but because they just have very right winged views so bully excels are just misunderstood they just need a bit of total of in care they need community centres they just need a bit more investment into their well-being but black Labrador's are disgusting fascists in Nigel I think that's that's it always felt it there you go well I had this time for me to raise one more store because I've got very important announcement to make here now apparently the organisers of the Mr England contest we basically are sort of male beauty contest they're looking for the you know the hunk of the year okay they do they're such a thing that they're very worried because they've not had enough entries this year they're worried that we are facing a nationwide hunk shortage so they've been appealing for Andrew so I thought it's time for me to step up and do my patriotic duty I'm going to put myself forward for hunk of the year I'm going to be Mr England am I going to wax your legs again? I can see you're laughing at this as if you think that I'm not a suitable candidate as if you think I'm not in peak physical

26:00condition but I can tell you I actually have quite considerable experience of modeling male modeling I do in fact I can tell you this is a genuine fact okay I am probably the only man in Britain who has both appeared topless in the sun and naked in a landsmagn that is genuinely now there's plenty of women who can say that but not many men you're gonna have to give me a bit more context now I know what you're talking about for the landsmagn but please tell me page three girl Michael yes well okay wasn't actually on page three okay this happened this happened 20 years ago when I was from briefly a feature writer at the sun before I came here and there's some scientific researcher I've been doing a study to show that some people can be thin on the outside that fat on the inside oh in other words they've got lots of fat around their internal organs even though they're outwardly slim now at that time I was quite a lot slimmer than I am now so they sent me along to have a scan and I they get had a body scan x-rayed me and everything like that and they found out that indeed I

27:01was someone who was thin on the outside and fat on the inside and so in the sun they published two photos big photos one of me just in a pair of box of shorts nothing else so topless oh wow and then they show the x-rays of my disgusting fatty organs so there you are I have been topless but I do want to say that I am no longer thin on the outside but so I found the inside because I'm now found the outside as well so therefore at least I'm being consistent well now you should do you have to you have to go back by the way you're gonna have see another photo sheet so you can say that this is what happens when you don't deal with your visual body fat I have done an awful lot of embarrassing things in my career but I think I'm going to draw the line now well on that titillating image that's what I'll see you again next time