Jack Benny - The Sportsmen Replacement

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3:18The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with married-evingson, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis A. and yours, Rulie and Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last Thursday night the Academy Awards were given out to a favored new audience. All the Hollywood celebrities gathered to stride auditorium to take their hats off to the winners. And so tonight we bring you the man who had the hats check concession Jack Benny. Thank you. Hello again. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking and Don. You shouldn't have introduced me as a man who had the hats check concession at the Academy Awards. I was master of ceremonies too.

4:19And Don, having the hats check concession certainly taught me a lot about those so-called big stars and pictures. What do you mean Jack? You should see the tips they need. Terry Grant 15 cents. The Clyde Gable 10 cents. Margaret O'Brien, a nickel. I felt like throwing it right back in her face. I couldn't believe it. I thought that, you know, I never thought that small tip. I thought that tambourine I had on the counter would help a little. What, and Don? Don. You know Rex Harrison? Yes. A shilling. How do you like that? He thought because it looks like an American quarter I wouldn't notice it. A shilling in this country? Well, what can you do with it? Let the out drugstore worry about that.

5:25I had breakfast there this morning. Anyway, Don, it was really a thrill seeing all those stars get those awards. Harold Russell, Anne Baxter, Frederick Marge, Olivia de Havelin, Ray Malam. Ray Malam? Did he win something again this year? No, he won an award last year. He just came back to get a new cork for us. Anyway, Don, the whole affair was really exciting. Well, tell me Jack, who else was there? Well, it was Jane Wyman, Gregory Peck, Lionel Barrymore, Larry Parks, Dynastore, Hugo Carmichael. And Hugo Carmichael, Jack, you mean Hogi Carmichael? Don, if Hugo is good enough for Sam Gogh, then it's good enough for me. But Jack, I know what I'm doing. I never worked for Gogh when I'm not going to allow up my chances. Anyway, Don was such a wonderful affair. I was proud that they picked me as master of ceremony.

6:25Well, Jack, I can understand you're being honored and thrilled. As a matter of fact, I too have something to be proud of. Really? What, Don? Well, this is television week, and they've asked me to appear on a television program. You television? Don, don, let me look actually. Don, don, I'm turning around again. No, no, it'll never work, Don. It'll never work. You can forget about television. Why? They'll never get a 60-inch beam on a 10-inch screen. Believe me. Oh, Jack, I wish you wouldn't give me about my size. I'm not so fast. You're not a... how about the time you got stuck in the Hollywood Bowl? I remember a home, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello, Don. Hello, Mary. What are you talking about, tell us? All the Academy Awards, Television and Don stomach. You can take your choice as nothing. Well, I take television, and Don, I read a wonderful poem about it. A poem about television? Well, let's hear it.

7:25Okay. Television is here to stay, and it will be hard to sell it. Now you can hear and see Jack show, and soon you'll be able to smell it. Mallet, Mary, don't talk about my show. Have you ever tuned into Fred Allen's program when the wind is from the e? And your air conditioning is fighting a losing battle? So not to make you lose faith in your airways. Oh, Jack, I'm just teasing. If you want to know something, I went to the Academy. Sir, you know, I thought you were wonderful at Master's Camp, aren't you? Well, thanks, I'll face. Thank you. But I still had a feeling that when we were giving out the award, you thought the committee was unfair. I thought the committee was unfair. Well, gave you that impression. You were the only one on the stage with a picket sign. I wasn't picketing. The sign said, keep your eye on your own hat and coat.

8:26I'm on the stage now. And I wasn't a bit jealous when Olivia DeHavill and one her award, I walked right over to her slap round the back and said, congratulations. What are you laughing at, Barry? So an Olivia slap Jack on the back is to face it down over his eyes. Jack whispered, give me honey, the life went out. I was a long speech and you got it out. But that's what happened. I'm always worried about those long speech. But that could happen to anyone, really. Oh, but seriously, Jack, I... Yamavar Zordenkisino at Sandman Well brings exciting nights of music and comedy to the stage. See Country Music Superstar Miranda Lambert November 12th. Don't miss Inspirational Singer songwriter Lauren Diggle November 21st

9:26and experience the quick wit of Matt Rife December 5th and 6th. Tickets on sale now at Yamavartheater.com. Only at Yamavar Zordenkisino, California's number one entertainment destination. UN must be 21 to enter. Pretty Pink Yours. Yamavar Zordenkisino at Sandman Well is giving away a pink Birken bag every Wednesday on October. Play all month long to claim this coveted bag from Yamavar Zordenkisino celebrating 40 years. Plus the movie that made Pink Legendary is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Add pretty and pink to your collection today. UN rated PD 13 details at Yamavar.com must be 21 to enter. Please gamble responsibly. I thought you looked wonderful up there on the stage. And that's good looking Cuxedo. Where'd you rent it? I didn't rent that Cuxedo. I know you didn't buy it. Now come on, where'd you get it? Mary, let's drop the stuff then.

10:26By the way, where were you sitting? Who about the 10th row? And Jack, you'll never guess who was sitting right beside me. Who? Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ronald Coleman was there? What was he wearing? I can't see, though. Where'd you beat me to that, Cuxedo? He must have two of them. Jack, you... Mary, we made a deal. Ronnie Lomia, Cuxedo and I've returned his lawnmower. Now what's the use of being neighbors? Oh, Mr. Benny, hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Benny, but I had trouble with my new car. Dennis, I didn't know you had a car. Yes, my first one. When I drove down to the studio, I had to go around the block 86 times before I ran out of gas and the car stopped. Well, that's the silliest thing, Dennis. When you want to stop a car, all you have to do is step on the brake. Oh, brake! I don't start that again.

11:26And now that you're here, let's have your song. What's it going to be? Well, tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, so I thought I'd like to sing Gonygons. Well, and sure, and I'd be disappointed if you didn't. So I have to go ahead. It seems like only yesterday I left the port of Carc. And on a ship from Old Irons Island, I landed in New York. Without a friend to meet me, there in a danger on the shore. I worn on a diary card, and fortune came galore. So here I am going back to dear Old Irons Island. The friends who meet me on the pier and they'll meet me with a smile. There are faces that I should be forgetful, I was so long away. For my mother will introduce them all, and this to me will say, She can't at your uncle, Mike, me, why? She can't at your sister Kate. She was the girl that used to swing, on the garden gate. She can't with all the neighbors, and kiss the collings all oil, as well as the flowers, the maids, to dear old Gonygons.

12:27She'll give the party when I get back, and they'll come from near and far. They'll line the road for miles and miles, who drive with Gonygons cars. The spirits of flow and will all begin, will fill our hearts with joy. The pipe will play, and I will feel the grief, the yanky boy. Oh, what a party that has here, and telling me that she likes it. Odomar, row after the church shall go, and wedded I will be to my pretty little Colleen Bond. Sweet Nelly McGee, on Ellie with soon faithful, to a dinner, the seeds. Well, join the half and chamber, for who the stars of liberty. Say, I'll come back and plan again, Milligan, Gilligan, jump him, a coffee, my life, I'm a horn, laugh a day, laugh a day, don't ever let go, or dole him, or don't let him alone. Vatican, Vatican, Lanna, Antwanna, Antwagon, or Hoolangson. Camelanna, Norgon, Epoch, Nicellio, Kelly, Ovenny, McGee. Then I'll take the hand of my young school, Mike. The hand of me, sister Gato, I'll hug and squeeze as much as I please, the girl in the garden gate, I'll invite all the neighbors to me,

13:27wet and grey and small, and I'll live from ten, and pain all her own. In dear old Odomar, Negon. Gato! That was... I was down as old son by Dennis Day, very good, Dennis. I'll bless your may or cause, never go droid. You know Mr. Vinnie, I sang that song for my mother. Oh, well, a certainy is an appropriate song, I don't know anyone more, I raised than your mother. Yeah, she wouldn't see the Joseph story till I told her it was the life of Pat O'Brien.

14:28No, and she liked that new picture about Jerome Kern. Which one? Tilt him a cloud's roll by. Tilt him a cloud's roll by. Oh, that is Mother Sinks and DC Stan for Nolan, Branigan and Cassidy. Well, as long as I'm the teacher happy, I guess it's me. How you living? Hello, kid. Sorry I'm late, buster. Well, fair, look, it's about time you got here, you know. Well, once in my full Jackson, and I got a good excuse. Yeah, yeah, I know, you're gonna tell me that you overslept, jumped out of bed, dressed as fast you couldn't rush over here. Hey, how did you know? You left a curler in your hair. All right, so I got a curler in my hair, I overslept a little, I'm sorry I'm late and let's forget it. Forget it, unless you want to make something out of it. I don't want to make anything out of it. Phil, you must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Why? You got Alice's shoes on.

15:31Yeah, how do you like it? I told her a thousand times. Put them under the pillow, blondies. Put them under the pillow. Look, Phil, stop hitting your war, Alice's shoes for a gag, you got your laugh and I'll take them all. What are you talking about, Jack? And we need that kind of laugh. Sight stuff. Television is here. I know, I know. The hot television, that's what I'll shine with you. People can hear it and see, Harris. Shangri-la with a ham, Hawk. Isn't that awful? You know, folks, he really thinks he's handsome. Phil, what makes you so egotistical? I ain't egotistical. I'm much better looking than I think I am. So you're not conceited, eh? Not me and my family, Alice is the one who's conceited. Alice? Yeah, she thinks she's prettier than I am. Why the ingrate, after all the years, you let her support you. Now Phil, Phil, star dust eyes. Narcissus boy. Hey, Chlamilla, what?

16:31I'm about picking up your baton and making like you're leading a band. Then see if you can. Look on that, Dave. Come in. Yes, Mr. Benny. My name is Lewis. On last Thursday night, the motion picture Academy of Arts and Sciences gave out their annual awards. Yes, yes, that's right. That's out of fair. You were the master of ceremonies, weren't you? Yes, yes. The fact I was on the stage during the entire proceeding. Oh, that's what I want to see you, Bob. There's an Oscar missing. Now wait a minute, Mr. Lewis. Does the Academy Award committee think for one minute that a man in my position, a celebrity, a star for 15 years? A man who was respected by millions, which suits all the lowest to steal an Oscar? Yes. Oh. He borrowed the top speedo, too. Mary, please. Mr. Lewis, I consider that an insult and I wish that you'd get out of here now. Now go on. Get out. All right. But before I go, there's another matter I want to talk to you about. The old drugstore. Get out of here.

17:31Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Let's go. Get out of here. Yes, sir. That's a gratitude for you. The Academy Committee calls me up, asks me to be masters ceremony, so I accept. What happens? Do I get thanks? No? Do I get savory? No. Just tax ferry and a Lossy Cheese sandwich. No butter. Hey Jackson, what about that ban number? Yes, don't بينeth, though. We've got to have a commercial first. Go ahead, don let's have a commercial. Jack I'm glad you finally got around to it. What? I've got a prize for you. Surprise what is it? Well, you had trouble getting a court test. The sponsor insisted on having one. So I took things in my own hands. Wait a minute, Don. You took things in your own little fat hands before. You got the sportsman court test.

18:32They cost me $500 a week, and that would cause all the trouble. But Jack, I got you another court, and it isn't going to cost you nearly as much. I don't care about it. Jack, give me a chance to talk. Maybe this new group will satisfy the sponsor and solve your whole problem. Well, all right, Don. What did you do? I mean, who have you got? Well, first of all, I only had to get three other fellas because you've already got Dennis and you pay him anyway. Well, now you're really thinking, Don. Where are the other three guys? Well, they'll be here any minute. OK, Don. I'll give him a chance. Who can tell? Maybe this. I'll get it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Bailey, this is Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? I'm in the last couple of balls. You shouldn't have asked me to beg a lot for Brad for dinner tonight. Why? What happened? Well, I took a small bowl and put in two cups of flour. Then I put in the sugar yeast. Then I added one cup of water and stirred it together. Well, it looked kind of dry, so I added more water. I see. Since I added more water, I threw another candy yeast. Well, isn't that a lot of yeast? That's what I thought.

19:32So I put in more water. That's about a hour. More power. Power. More power. I said it. Because that made it too dry, so then I added more water. Rochester? That made it too cocky, so I put in more yeast. More yeast? So the palzra Sonra was a抱 for power. Appouvertion? Bo prize. Well, your balanced chaff one isn't made as pod. I causa before with more flour. Flour? That made it too dry. So I poured in a quarter of a Champagne. Champagne? I had a new sum to break through monotony. Right, sir, that's ridiculous. Mixing champagne with flour, water, and yeast. We got the only one with bread with a bun on it. I'm not being silly. You made this whole thing up and you know it. I thought so. Now, come on, right, sir. What'd you really call me for? You know that thing you brought home Thursday night

20:33since you woke me up to show it to me? Yes. Do I shine with brown flowers and gold flowers? Don't bother shining, yet I have to give it back. Goodbye. Old Saint Paulus. Now what? See you, Rascal. You. Never mind. Goodbye. Goodbye. It makes up the wildest things I've ever heard in my life. Now, down, what about the quartet you see? It's like a rock. I'd like to see you. I'll see you. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm going to make up the wildest things I've ever heard in my life. Now, down, what about the quartet you say you've got? Dennis is here. Where are the other three? Well, Jack, they ought to be here any minute. In fact, here comes one now. Andy Russell. Andy Russell. Andy Russell. Andy. Andy, I can't believe this. I mean, do you want to be in my quartet? Why sure, Jack, if it'll help you out? She. This is wonderful. Dennis, this is Andy. Where's Andy? It's not the Andy.

21:34He enables Andy. This is Russell. Not that Russell. Andy! I'm thrilled with having you in my quartet. Barry! The president is there! And the president is there too. The president is there too. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I'm glad to hear that. Well, I can't believe it. You want to be in my quartet? Sure, Jack, if it'll help you out? She, this is wonderful. Dennis, this is Andy. Where's Andy? I'm thrilled with having you in my quartet. Where's Andy? I'm glad to hear that. Here's Andy. I'm thrilled with having you in my quartet. I'm not a part-time. But uh... Uh... That's Portuguese for how much money do you want? Yes, Portuguese. I mean, how much money would you want? Well, $35 a week. $35 a week? I can't believe it. Well, would $30 be all right? No, no, I'm perfectly willing to pay $35. You must spend at least half of that for tooth powder. I mean, I'm not going to be a part-time. It must be wonderful to have the sparkling teeth. Well, it has its drawbacks. Huh? Well, when I talk to Donna Meachy, we blind each other.

22:35I can understand that. Well, anyway, Andy, it's all right. The whole of Jack Holders, here comes another member of the quartet. Dick came! Dick came! Dick, I haven't seen you since you were on my show three years ago. Oh, I know, Jack. Nice to be with you again. Well, thanks. Thank you. But tell me, Dick, why are you wearing those dark glasses? Well, Andy Russell might smile, and I'm not taking any chances. Oh, yes, yes, the tea. Mary, Mary, you remember Dick Haymes, don't you? Woo-hoo-hoo! Mary! Well, Dick, I'm certainly thrilled having you as a member of the quartet, but what? What's the matter? Dick, can't you understand Portuguese? Dick, what I'm trying to say, and well, if you're going to be in the quartet, how much money would you want?

23:36$35 a week? $35 a week. Well, now, Jack, if you're going to start haggling, just forget about it. No, no, no, I'm not haggling. You can't mean I... I think you're worth every cent of it. You know? But of course, I can't make it... Hold it, Jack. Hold it. Here comes another member of the quartet. Cosby! Woo! Bing, Cosby! When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day, L.S., there must be... Bing, Cosby! I can't get over it. You're expecting maybe a transcription.

24:37No, no, that's not right. It's just that I'm so surprised to see you by the way, Bing, how dixie. Has Senator Clagg gone? Cosby, you shouldn't have wasted that one here, hoping to give you two bucks for it. Well, we needed that one. Now, Bing, believe me, I'd love to have you as one of my quartets, but... $50, I understand for you. $50. Wait a minute, Bing, Andy Russell and Dick Hayes are both willing to work for $35. Why do you want $50? I got four kids. Oh, yeah, I read where you're going to put them in the movie. Yeah, one of them is almost nine. He's been looking around the house long enough, right? Well, look, fellas, I know that you're all good singers individually, and Dennis has been with me a long time, but do you think you can all give me what I want as a quartet? Wait a minute, fellas, that's your idea of a quartet. You're starting off on the wrong track. Don't worry, Jack. Don't worry, they're just warming up.

25:37Now, do you want to hear what they prepared? Of course, of course. Now, let's see, $35.35 is $70, and $50 is $120. Not bad. All right, now, let's see if they're worth it. I mean, let's see what they've got to offer. Okay, fellas, let's have it. I'll be loving you always. With a love that's true, always, always. When the things you plan, either helping hand, I will understand, always, always. And let them appear, always, always. That was way too much. That's the talk for me. Oh, who the hell picked up this piece, Dennis? Dennis? I'm not a teacher anymore.

26:37I'm not a teacher anymore. I'm not a teacher anymore. But always. Hey, boys. That was very good, and the commercial was all right. But for my purpose, I got to have something a little more lively. Do you think you can do it? Yes, sir. You bet. I sure am. I've been smoking tacos for now in the 20 years. No, no. No, no, Bing, that's not what I mean. Oh, Jack, Bing's right. Every time you sit down and listen to your radio, you're up to light a lucky. Auto light, you had to get the plug in, huh? Now, come on, if I want to hear a lively or number, how about it? Okay, take it, boys. The only thing, I can use it to the candle as it swings. Back and forward, into saddle on a horse. Pretty good horse, eh? Now, think of it again. And then you set to find the meter to the roar of his defeat, or how they run, or how they run. When they hear the fellow gun, you got the western folks all know.

27:38These are high-falutin' students, none of the guns from Arizona, right time cover. All that power, now less than they have to be puffed up. Now, come on. Now, come on. The thing I can't complain about, but that time, you didn't give me enough commercial, and we're just a little bit too fast. I want something in between the two numbers that you think. Oh, we have another song, Jack. It'll be just exactly what you like. You have? It takes all thing bassist time. I don't know, I want to think bass. I think I ought to think bassin' can get down with the money, yeah. Look, fellas, don't argue about why I was to flip a coin for it. I think the old man is right here. I got a coin. What do you say? Take heads or two. Hey, Bing. Look at that funny-looking quarter. I had lunch at the Alves-Unsure.

28:39Look, fellas, you're holding up the show. Now, this cost me $120. You don't attend a business. I'll call a whole thing off. Now, come on. Let me have your other song. Yes, Mr. Penny. Kegit boys. Nothing could be finer than gold for a Carolina in the morning. Don and Billy Jack, a rotten chick that finds a backer in the morning. Around and firm and fully. You let that award. The On the Drought. Yes, Charlie. And it's the best, the backer, that you have ever thought. I hate that, you know. That's the only thing. That's the moon and the city never looks to leave. That's the only thing. Now, what I want is. The moon, the morning. The pickin' and the planet while the thingin' and the chanting in the morning. Alice and my fellas, and my family's empty. Oh, yeah, that's the luck you've got.

29:39You'd like to floor with for me. Nothing could be finer than gold for a Carolina in the morning. And the them and the them and the them and the them and the them. No, fellas, that's not it. Look, those unlucky, they will love you in Kentucky. Ah, wait a minute, stop it. That's not what I want. That's not what I want. Look, fellas, that's not it. Give me your lucky site. The ones who passed you. The ones who liked you. Wait a minute, I want you to fly. Wait a minute. What, wait a minute, I want you to fly. Why, I want you to fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, look, fellas, you tried your meant well and believe me, I appreciate it. But you, boys, just won't do. What? How do you like that? Are you can leave your names and maybe something will come up. So long, fellas. What? I thought you were telling like that. I thought you were talking, I just got to get my old sport test back.

30:41That will be back in trouble. First here is Baffle Rivedale. As you listen to the channel of the back of auctioneer, remember. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means find the backo, and it is cigarette. It's a tobacco discount. Mr. Alexander G. Irvin of Reesville, North Carolina has been a tobacco warehouseman for 14 years. He really knows tobacco. So listen to what he says. Well, facts are facts. And at the auction for good many seasons, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by Grudden Wright and Mellow tobacco. The kind of fine tobacco that you just can't be for Rees, smoking quality. How smoke luck is in the cell for 14 years. Remember, the independent tobacco experts like Mr. Irvin can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy. That's fine. That light. That naturally mild tobacco. Fine light, naturally mild tobacco. No doubt about it. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means find tobacco.

31:42Yes, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means find tobacco, and find tobacco means real, deep, dumb, smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. I want to find Ben Crosby, Dick Haymes and Andy Russell for being with us tonight. It was very nice. Hey, yes, Jackson. Just a minute. What is it, Ben? Weekly Variety, which is the outstanding newspaper of the Entertainment World, has given you an award for your 15 years in radio. You see that your weekly clam breaks on the air has been consistently right in the groove for low these many years, and I agree with them. Congratulations. Well, thanks, Ben. Thanks very much. On behalf of my cast and writers, who have been with me so long, I want to thank the variety for this honor. And say, Ben, it was nice to you to make this presentation me, but I wish you'd do me a favor. Sure, Jack. Anything. What is it? I'm going to do a music program. The next time you come over, talk to your Sherdy, and we're going to go calm, freeze, waving around, upset me.

32:44We're going to go to the night, both. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.