Jack Benny - The Egg And I

0:00Ever found yourself lost in translation during your travels? I remember wandering through the back streets of Venice, unable to ask for directions in Italian. It was both humbling and a bit isolating. That's why I'm excited to talk about Babel, the number one selling language learning app. Babel teaches you phrases you'd actually say, not just textbook grammar. In just 10 minutes a day, you can start having real conversations in a new language in three weeks. It's designed by over 200 language experts and fits into any schedule, perfect for learning on a coffee break or during your commute. If you've been thinking about reconnecting with your roots or exploring new cultures, Babel makes it easy and accessible. And here's something special. Get up to 60% off your subscription at babble.com slash pod. That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash pod. Dive into a new language and expand your world. The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Eh eh eh eh. Ah ah. Na na na na. Na na na na. Na na na na na na na. Ah, ah ah ah.

1:00Lucky Strike. First again with tobacco men. First again with tobacco men. More independent tobacco experts. Smoke Lucky Strike regularly. Van the next two leading brands. Compined. There you have the findings of a recent impartial survey, which reveals the personal smoking preference of tobacco men. Optioneers, buyers and warehousemen. Yes, the survey shows Lucky Strike. First again with tobacco man. First again with tobacco man. First again with the man who can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So light up a Lucky, buffed by buffed you'll see. LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke the smoke tobacco expert smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with tobacco man. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Zennie with very living since till Harris Rochester

2:13in a state yours truly Don Willis. Ladies and gentlemen, last week the star of our show felt that he needed a vacation. So he took the week off and went to New York. But tonight I'm happy to announce that the particle sun has returned and here he is, Jack Benny. Hi, I'm Jack Benny. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don I think that was a very fitting introduction because I do feel like a particle sun. Well thank you Jack and welcome home and it's very appropriate to the particle sun being welcome by the padded cat. Well done, it's good to be back. Well, you have a good time in New York Jack. Wonderful, I saw more of us. Everybody I knew, Irving Berlin, B. Lilly, Ed Sullivan, Fred Allen, Jack Eigon.

3:18Oh, so you saw Fred Allen, huh? Yeah. Well, how'd you find Fred? I just pushed aside those bags and there he was. Honestly Don, he has the biggest bags over his eyes. Over his eyes? He's wearing them in an up sweep this year. He got tired of stepping on it. But you know, I saw Fred in his broadcast and it's really amazing how lucky he's been. What do you mean lucky? The way he ran a case of sinus into a million dollars. Honestly Don, the way Fred talked he talked. Well hello Mary. Hello Jack, welcome home. Well, that's a fine welcome home. Haven't you got a great big kid? I had one but last week I gave it to Robert Taylor. All right, so couldn't you save a little kiss for me? Jack, when Taylor takes over his show he takes it all. Well, I will say one thing, he did a wonderful job.

4:18And so did you Mary. You were great last week. I was in New York and I heard it. The kid? No, the show. Anyway, I had a wonderful vacation in New York. You know, this year they're having one of the most successful theatrical seasons they've ever had. They charge a lot of money for their tickets but it's worth it. What show? The Streetcar Name Desire. High Button Shoes. Inside USA and Mr. Roberts. Oh, guys Jack, I certainly envy you. How does it like a Streetcar Name Desire? Well, I didn't get to see that show. I'm sorry I missed it. Oh, that's too bad but Jack, I'll bet you enjoyed High Button Shoes. I heard it was a great musical. Yeah. Well. I didn't see that one either. You see, before I knew it, it was Thursday night and that was the night I was going to see Mr. Roberts. Well Jack, when I get to New York, that's the show I'm most anxious to see. Mr. Roberts? Yes, yes. How'd you enjoy that?

5:19Well, that's the one I'm really sorry I missed. See, I got as far as the lobby and the girl in the box office made me so mad I wouldn't go in. What did you say to you? 660 please. 660 please. 660 please. 660 please. Some smart Alex since you took over the show last week. 660. Anyway, money had nothing to do with it. Henry Fonda, the star of Mr. Roberts, gave me two passes. I wish I hadn't sold them. Now, what about you, Mayor? Anything happened with you while I was away? Nothing much except that I received another letter from my mother. Your mother? Well, what does the Republican dark horse of Plainfield have to say? I've got it right here. Do you want me to read it to you? No, but you're going to do it anyway, so go ahead. All right. My darling daughter is here. As Alan would say, if you didn't read it, this program will be short. You know, go ahead. It says it every week, the same thing every week.

6:22Go ahead, I'm sorry. My darling daughter Mary, I received your letter. And I want to thank you for sending me $25 for Mother's Day. You're so generous. What other girl would send her mother a whole week salary? Do you are generous? Mary, I bought myself a dress for some of the money. And with the rest of it, I bought topa, a beautiful monogram wall of the key to unemployment checkstand. And that reminds me, your sister's baby is no longer on vacation. A couple of weeks ago, she got a telegram from John L. Lewis telling her to go back to work. Good old babe, I'll never forget her in the Easter parade, trolling Don Leavany with that lamp on her hat. Oh, I'm sorry Mary, thank you. I heard you on the program last week. The broadcast you did was Robert Taylor. And I must say it was a wonderful show without Jack. It was the first time in five years that my airwicks took a Sunday off.

7:30No other news, I was closed now. You're loving mother nature girl living. You know Mary, your mother writes some of the silly- Well, John, hello Mary. Wow, hello Dennis. She missed the teller. I don't know what happened you since last Sunday, but you look awful now. Dennis, for heaven's sake, I'm not Robert Taylor. Look over here. I'm Jack Benny. Oh, I don't blame you for being mad. Well Dennis, aren't you happy that Mr. Benny's back? I certainly am. You know Mr. Benny, while you were gone, I sure missed you. Well, thanks, kid. You know, you wouldn't believe it, but I was like a lost soul. I felt awful. I couldn't even eat. Well, at the shade. Yeah. Next time you go away, you ought to pace in advance. Dennis, you've got a lot of nerve suggesting anything. Ever found yourself lost in translation during your travels? I remember wandering through the back streets of Venice, unable to ask for directions in Italian.

8:33It was both humbling and a bit isolating. That's why I'm excited to talk about Babel, the number one selling language learning app. Babel teaches you phrases you'd actually say, not just textbook grammar. In just 10 minutes a day, you can start having real conversations in a new language in three weeks. It's designed by over 200 language experts and fits into any schedule, perfect for learning on a coffee break or during your commute. If you've been thinking about reconnecting with your roots or exploring new cultures, Babel makes it easy and accessible. And here's something special. Get up to 60% off your subscription at Babel.com slash pod. That's b-a-b-b-e-l.com slash pod. Dive into a new language and expand your world. Like that, after all Mary was our last week program too. She didn't mention anything about being paid. Well, she doesn't care about money. She got kissed by Robert Taylor. What? He wouldn't even put his arm around me.

9:33Dennis. I mean, it looked like much, but he ought to taste my potato pancakes. Dennis, stop being so silly. Will you? Get ready for your song? Okay. Mary, before I forget it, will you wait and drive me home after the broadcast? Wait a car. Well, I'm thinking of getting a new one so I send Rochester out to see if you can get a good trade in, you see? I hope that he can. Hi, Olivia, hello, kid. Well, how? Look who's back, little boy blue-eyed. Hi, Jackson. Hello, Phil. How's Encino's answer to a pace to be ignorant? That's what he didn't know was him. Yeah, another one written in wasn't nearly as funny. Oh, I'm fine, Dad. I am fine. Well, that's your back, Dad. What's good thinking the program we did last week without you? I thought it was an excellent show.

10:33I thought Robert Taylor did a wonderful job. Who did a wonderful job? Robert Taylor. You don't buy any chance means Bangler, Arlington, Brew. Yeah, what about it? Bangler, Arlington, Brew. Blue, Bangie. What a name, Brew. Before I met him, I didn't know whether I was supposed to shake his hand or blow the foam up. Well, anyway, what you have to get him for when you got me, me, the one and only, inimitable hair. You're not inimitable. It's just that nobody wants to be like you. I'm surprised you pronounced it right. Now look at him. Yes, wait a minute. Wow. I don't care what you say. I'd much rather be like me than Bangler, Arlington, Brew, or have an idea. What do you got against Robert Taylor? First, me up. He's married to a beautiful actress. He's a good-looking guy. He's got nice, wavy hair and a great personality. So what, sir? You're married to a beautiful actress. You're a good-looking guy.

11:33You've got nice, wavy hair. And you've got a great personality, too. I know. Well, what about it? Nothing. Just wanted to hear you say. I mean, all life's a life set. Now, jealous. Well, are you taking Bowser's your head so big it's bending you over? Now, come on, Dennis. Let's have your saw. Well, what do you want me to sing? I don't know. What do you got prepared? To see the painting. All right. Sing that. Sing anything. What do you want? I don't know. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing.

12:35I sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going to sing. I'm going. Can you make your way out of this car? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Savage. Yeah. When you肉ar's gone. I go. Within my heart is mine Oh, Saviour, my heart's romance Let the life rise again As it are, who will let me be We will repeat, we are glory to the Lord Dreams are just as you, for my feelings are free

13:40And will my heart aton We feel my heart aton We will repeat, we are glory to the Lord Dreams are just as you, for my feelings are free And will my heart aton And will my heart aton We feel my heart aton

14:52I was haunted heart sung by Dennis Day Very good, Dennis. Now ladies and gentlemen And answer the thousands of requests There's our feature traction tonight We are going to repeat our version of that great universal international production The egg and eye Yes, how come we aren't doing a new play tonight? Because in order to do a new play it has to be written And my writers lost their typewriter, the opening of Hollywood Park Now in this sketch I would... Oh, right, so they lost their typewriter, the races Couldn't they dictate the scripts of their chapter tearing? They lost her too She looked so far lower as they pushed her through their $5 window Now in this sketch I would play the part of... Oh, Donna Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennie, this is Rob Justice Oh, hello, Rob Justice, if you don't anything about trading my car in Yeah, I was busy all morning First I took it to Mad Man Month He looked at the car over there and kept me but he didn't offer much

15:52Well, how much did he appraise it for? First, when a car gets that old they don't appraise it they waive So then I drove over Donna's John's place He looked at the car and offered a $10,75 Well, I'm all under him. The likes who played along was worth that much That's the only party wanted Oh, it's a tribal discouraged but undone it I drove to the smiling icemen's life And that's where we had a little juffle up Why would happen? As the smiling icemen planted your car to inspect it He slammed the door and the fender fell off Which fender? The fender Oh my goodness, they wanted you to do? I decided to go home And while I was driving down Wiltson Boulevard Something went wrong with the steering wheel and the car ran right into the look Ever found yourself lost in translation during your travels?

16:54I remember wandering through the back streets of Venice Unable to ask for directions in Italian It was both humbling and a bit isolating That's why I'm excited to talk about Babel The number one selling language learning app Babel teaches you phrases you'd actually say Not just textbook grammar In just 10 minutes a day, you can start having real conversations in a new language in three weeks It's designed by over 200 language experts and fits into any schedule Perfect for learning on a coffee break or during your commute If you've been thinking about reconnecting with your roots or exploring new cultures Babel makes it easy and accessible And here's something special Get up to 60% off your subscription at Babel.com slash pod That's ba-b-e-l.com slash pod Dive into a new language and expand your world Where it's on, bitch? Oh, that's terrible Whirson, you think the fifth threw it back out again?

17:54I'm G. Rock, that's right, expecting you to sell a car today You can try it again tomorrow Yes, sir Good night Goodbye Now come on, kids, let's get on Let's get on with our play And now ladies and gentlemen, we will proceed with our version of the egg and eye In this sketch, I will be Fed McMurray and Mary Livingston will be Claude Ed Colbert What part am I going to play, Jack? Well, down in the scene takes place on a farm So you can play the part of our pig Oh, Jack, every time you do a farm sketch, I play the part of a pig I want to do something else Well, what would you like to be, Don? A canary Don, you a canary? Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe Well, that's not so bad All right, Don, you can be the canary And now ladies and gentlemen, the egg and eye As the scene opens, we find the newlyweds, Claude Ed and Fred, driving out to their new home Claude Ed Colbert, I hope you like the new farmhouse I bought

19:07Oh, I will, Mr. McMurray You can call me Mac You know, honey, I can't believe we're really married at last Yeah, it was such a wonderful wedding ceremony, but you were so nervous I was not nervous You were too, you put the ring on your own finger Tipped the best man and gave the creature a potato pancake Well, friend of mine makes them But darling, wasn't as exciting as we drove away from the church with those old shoes tied in back of the car Yeah I wonder what made him bounce like that My mother was still in them Oh, yes, I cut her loose, but we went through Anaheim They can always use another smudge pot there Oh look, there's our farmhouse There we are Look, darling, there's our new home Yeah, sure looks run down Yeah, but we'll fix it up There's a real estate man Oh, Mr. Mr. How do you do?

20:12How do you do? I just bought this house You're the man from the real estate office, aren't you? Yes, Nelson's the name, I'm here to show you around What a peculiar style of architecture this house has Not French Normandy? Is it early America? No, Chromicolonial Let's go inside Come on, honey All right, I'm talking to my wife Just follow me folks, now show you through the house This is the living room This is the dining room And this is the bedroom Okay, Mr. Nelson, does the bathroom have a tile floor? Shall we go out and see? Oh I feel like I'm in the kitchen

21:15Mr. Nelson, I'd like to see the kitchen And right through the floor There isn't it beauty? Well, I don't know, the stove looks very old and awfully dirty All right, just a little dust, I'll blow it off Oh, yeah. Uh, miss it. Have you tried Zen Zen? What? Well, it's getting kind of late. I better go. Good-bye, Miss Anelson. Good-bye. Good-bye, Miss Anelson. Miss Anelson, stop kissing her. Well, if Robert Taylor doesn't care, why should you? Well, darling, here we are in our own little home. We better start getting to sleep, too, on a farm. You don't have to get up at four in the morning.

22:15You're right, sweetheart. But it's so nice to be alone. Just the two of us. Yeah. Well, darling, good night. Good night. Get out of here! Oh, darling! Darling! Darling! Darling, you're snoring. No, no, that's the rooster. It's morning. Oh, oh. Well, you hurry and get breakfast ready. I'll go out and milk the cows. Good thing I slept in my clothes. Now, it hits dark this early in the morning. Now, where's that milking pale? Now, here it is. Easy bossy, easy.

23:21That's a good girl, bossy. Easy bossy, easy. Here I can't seem to find a wrong end. Now, easy bossy, easy. I hold still, Mel, while I fix the pale on the floor. I hold still, I hold still, I hold still. I hold still, I hold still. We're really going to be cut off the air tonight. There bossy, there. That's a good girl.

24:22Oh, still, while I fix the pale on the floor. Oh, la, la, la, la. Oh, la, la, la. Oh, la, la, la. Oh, la, la, la. Hmm, better change. Oh, Fred, are you through milking? I'm not, but I think the cow is. Hey, where are you holding? Oh, look, I just found it. It's a black kitten with a white stripe down its back. Well, sure, if that isn't the cutest, look. Kitty, have you tried sensing? Now, come on, that dough stander, we got to feed the animal. Okay. Oh, look, Fred. Isn't it cute the way our canary follows us around? And our chou canary should we got to feed the chickens. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. They're chick, chick, chick. Come on, chick, chick. Here's a corn for you. Oh, Fred, look at the hand sitting on the net.

25:22Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's not cool, folks. See, now we got to get breakfast. Well, I better get some oats for the horse, pay for the cow, and wait. What happened? Our canary steps on the pig and killed it. Yeah, that's too bad. Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. What a canary. I should have gotten suspicious when he bent the bars in his cage. Now, let's get... Oh, look, here comes someone. Hello? Howdy neighbors, howdy. Zekers is my name, Liv, right over the hill. Well, do you have a farm over there? Yep, I raised little of that, little of that.

26:23Mostly corn. Do you see it? No, over my stale. Oh, you have a stale? Yeah, I see you make 20 gallon a day. 20 gallons a day. That's a lot. Hey, bad boy, ladies don't drink. Wait, guys, we'll get here, Zek. How long you been living around this section? Well, little, little, little. Let me see. Now, I moved here in 1918, this 1948. That's...that's 16 years. Wait a minute, Zek? From 1918 and I was 30 years you've lived here. We don't count the 14 years of prohibition as livin'. Oh, got the children? Yeah, I've got two sons, but we ain't seen them since they ran away with the circus ten years ago, sure, Miss the boy. Well, if you stay in both of them left, maybe one of them will come back. They ain't likely, they're Simon East Twin. Well, Simon East Twin. Yeah, they're pretty attached to each other.

27:24Oh, Zek, you're the barnyard's answer to Phil Harris. By the way, Zek, is that single over there part of your barn? Yeah, that's the place where I raised my tobacco son. Those were my hide hands out there picking it now. Where? Right over there. We've been, we've been thinking why I'd attack where this would be. If we had no daddy's grave or no LSMFD, we've been, we've been working raising those tobacco drinks. Today's a practical lucky sight for Nancy Boone and Stevie Ray. Oh, once they went down to the city just to see a burly queue, they came back and brought a sample around and burned with either blood. We've been, we've been, we're not joking, we've made some difference where we won't. We've always seen one smoke in the city let's house him home. We've been living, puff puff. Hey, Z, get your barn and the clean good.

28:31Yes, sir, yes, sir, they sing all the time. Hi, neighbor's hearty, Z, good to see you all. Well, hello, hi, yeah. And all kettles of name live right down the road. Which house? No house, just down the road. No house. Yes, he's married to Paul Kettle, a lazyist man in the state. He's the lazyest man in the world. He won't even pick a tea. I'd have gone on the store and pick him for it. Go, kid. Well, what do you know? Here comes Paul Kettle, the lazy critter now. Name is Dennis, the folks call him Paul. I am Paul. I am the e-caya folks. Ma, I put your arms around me and squeeze me. I feel like X-A-L-N. There. Better talk a little faster. We won't get off the show. Well, that feels better. Any place to lie down around here is... Oh, Paul, stand up for a while. Oh, by the way, what are you folks figuring on raising here? Chicken. I wouldn't try to fire you. I tried to raise some myself a few years ago. It never had any luck. What happened? I bought 10 hens.

29:31They laid up a lot of eggs. But none of them ever did had. I'm going to go and get some food. I'm going to go and get some food. I'm going to go and get some food. I'm going to go and get some food. I'm going to go and get some food. I'm going to go and get some food. What did it have? How many roosters did you have? Oh, root cramps! Well, I guess it better be going along now. We've got to go home and help my pig rightle letter. You pig rightle letter? I just tell him how to spell. He already has the pen in his eye. Oh, fuck, kettle. You're a sharper than a potato pancake. Who said it? Well, look folks, my husband and I are just going in to have breakfast. Why does the hotness come in and joy it? It's okay with me. Me too pick me up more. Well come on let's all go in hey wait a minute what happened to Zeke where's Zeke Harrod? Oh, he had to run along he's got his own show What I can say to Wednesday Good good breakfast is on me on you. Yes. We haven't got a table

30:33Oh god, if you've only been on the farm one day, but you've got corn all over you said it and we just made it come on I Lucky strike first again with tobacco man First again with tobacco man As a recent impartial survey reveals more independent tobacco experts both lucky strike regularly Then the next two leading brands combine more than the next two leading brands combine lucky strike First again with tobacco man That's what the survey shows now listen what mr. Garland such a tilly 25 years of tobacco buyer recently said At auction after auction. I've seen fine ripe mild tobacco bought by the makers of lucky strike Tobacco you can't beat for smoke and quality of smoke lucky 17 years. Oh light up a lucky and puff by puff

31:40You'll see LSMFT LSMFT lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw So smoke the smoke tobacco expert smoke lucky strike First again with tobacco man Ladies and gentlemen, I want to take this opportunity to thank Robert Taylor for taking my place on the program last week He certainly did a great job and Mary answer the phone with you. Okay. Hello Yes, he's here. It's for you Jack. It's your sponsor. Oh Hello LS how's MFT Why oh, I was only trying to be cute Robert Taylor no, no, he was on last week But he was only supposed to be on for one week But I don't need another vacation

32:40Look, I don't want to go to New York. I've been there Where I don't want to go there either This is NBC the national broadcasting company