Hotels #52

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1:01Ask it out from me anyway. What a bloody hell. The remissing country. Trudide. Hotels occupy a unique space between the public and the private, advising us to kick off our shoes in a room likely owned by some Saudi oil tycoon. This intoxicating mix often causes people to behave in a manner that isn't typical of themselves, as they shed their skin and try on different hats. Although trying on different hats doesn't necessarily have the identity shifting consequences you might expect. For instance, I decided to wear a trill, be to my aunt's funeral and was still shouted out of the church because of what I did to my cousin. But of course hotels are far more than places of rest for weary travelers. Closeted politicians also use them as a resting place for their penises in male prostitutes bottoms. Additionally, if you are looking for a high quality male prostitute in a UK premiere year, do not call Roy. But hotels vastly differ in quality. And one night's rest isn't equivalent to another's. There's posh hotels providing Michelin star quality food, spa treatments and awe-inspiring

2:01architecture, and there's travel lodges which solely exist so people can be wiped off directly into a toilet. Although for many, the quality of the facilities is only a minor part of the hotel experience. Guests might not be paying for luxurious sweets, but instead for the eradication of their responsibilities for a couple of days. Which I'm all here for, but make sure you go for a wee. So what is the societal significance of hotels, and are they still part of the cultural conversation? If I let a small person sleep on my leg and I a hotel? What the fuck is a concierge, and why does it keep stealing on my post? And does the freedom that a hotel offer? Bring out the true animal that lurks within a soul. Tell me on some of these questions, I'm joined by Charlie Milner, who's so late to check in in to reality that he's rocking up quite the charge. Charlie, thank you for joining me. Charlie. What do you hotel? I hotel to get away from it all, Andrew. Mmm, I want to get away from everything. Right, yeah. You've got a busy life, don't you?

3:02You've got lots of responsibilities, you know, people rely on you. They do. I can imagine every now and again you need a bit of time off and what better place to do it than a hotel. You just wrap yourself up in a perfectly white towel and get the telly on and put on BBC Breakfast. Now the guy that used to be my favourite BBC Breakfast guy has died. But there's plenty more fish in the sea. Who's your favourite BBC Breakfast? You get your die of cancer, do you know that? That's that sort of thin head man. Yeah, I'm going to say his name. Thin-headed BBC, BBC presenter, breakfast cancer. Oh, God. That's our first Google of the episode. What's his name? What's his name? Imitates? Who died? BBC presenter. No. Notting a man receives right. Who else has got cancer in the world? That man has. That's not my life. I've got nothing for that guy. No. BBC presenter cancer. No, no, no. I don't care about any of them. You know, respect to their family. Respect to their family. But I am only really caring about one of them. Please, can we find out his name? I think he's called Hugh, but it's not Hugh Edwards. He's very much paid for all. You Wallace?

4:04No. Come on, no, no, I don't. I'm not prepared to move on from this. So as usual, at the start of this episode as we do with all of these fucking episodes, we're looking up a non-existent BBC presenter. BBC presenter. Death, cancer. Yep, we've already googled that. Oh, see it. Come on. We are one minute into this. Images. He go. He go down. Charge, EBT, it's a... Bill Turmball. Fuck me. And he was a very much a guy. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Dies age 66 after a challenging high profile fight against advanced prostate cancer. I believe we did get there. And I recognize Bill Turmball. And do you recognise him as a... As a broadcaster as well? As a man? Yes. Well, both of... I recognise him as a man and a broadcaster. But emotionally, I mean, do you recognise him? What do you mean a motion lead? You get your little coffee on in the little machine. Tiny kettle. I love small kettle. Yep. I'd actually like them to become smaller and smaller until they're nothing more than a coin. But the... The problem is Matt and Matt and Manjury. And even Andrew. But he died.

5:04But essentially, there's no better feeling. Fuck you. There's no better feeling than watching BBC Breakers. Fucked. A hotel. And an ibis in the fucking Ritz. Right. I suppose you are tapping into something in that. I definitely am. But when you're at a hotel, you might do things you don't typically do. It was like, you got a telly there. I'm not going to whack on my favourite show. I'm going to see what the world's listening to. There's something quite... You're a culturally in touch when you're in a hotel. Definitely. Right. So that was why you hotel to wrap yourself in a towel and watch BBC Breakers. But then Bill Turmball died. And then he thought, there's not much left on BBC Breakers. I barely watched... Morning TV. Since he died, to be honest. Right. I feel... I heard... Well, RIP Bill Turmball. Definitely. I mean, I'm sure his family doing better now, but at the time, that's such a nightmare. And also, there's prostate cancer just like, does it affect how you can make the toilet? I don't know. Imagine, so. Where are you doing with it? I don't want to know, actually. What are you doing with? What? You're shit.

6:04Fucking hell. What? What do you mean? What are you doing with it? I mean... No. I mean what you're doing with your bottom. What? I am asking you. What do you do with your bottom if you've got prostate cancer? No one's telling me. Nothing. And I need to check my bum... I'm not yet. Well, I got that prostate exam, and it was horrible, but everything was fine. He said it's fine. It was horrible. They really got up in there. Yeah, and like... And you had to cough. Well, that's the testiest thing. I think... I know, yeah. We did the testicles, and that's when I had a micro-penis for a bit. Okay. Medically. Yeah. Well, you know when you... Yeah, when... It often happens in dots as exam. She's like, oh, and I'm going to have to examine your penis. And then you take it off, and it's like, it's not usually like that. I'm just very uncomfortable right now. Sure. Other than every other day of my life, when I also live with a micro-penis, is that what you wanted from me? Whatever's going on down there is no one to concern other than yours. Thank you very much. And your families. So, I think we should get back on the hotels, to be honest.

7:06Jurekin. My favorite hotel in the planet is a little... A hotel on the beach in... Tenby. In Wales. It's the kind of Cornwall of Wales. My hotel for tenby so much. I'm not sure that I do. Yeah, okay. It's a gravy affair, but Tenby has... I've never really heard of Tenby until I met you. Well, I hadn't heard of Tenby before I met me. And I... I... Very interestingly. I went to stay there for a week in my mate as a birthday gift for him. Is this where you picked out? I pick out everywhere, Andrew. Is this where you had like ten courses? Yes. Right. Like a fairytale. Yeah, fairytale pigeon. It was fucking like Henry Day. It was pretty disgusting to go down there. Yeah. But yeah, I went there and... The best type of hotel for me is a slightly run down. It's basically Premier Inn, but you're in the 60s. You want like a kind of kind of shit hotel, but with a bit of that old charm. Because now it's like it is just kind of Pods, Matrix style, Hell Pods in kind of tiny little rooms with nothing.

8:07Like a modern Premier Inn. Yes. Yeah. I like the old style. With B&B. No, definitely not B&Bs. Fucking hate B&Bs. I'm talking about... Why'd you hate B&Bs? Then either here or there. Either put me in a home or a hotel. The kind of bang... They're bed and breakfast there, but they're here and there. It's like it looks like my house, but I can't do anything I want here. So it's too homey. It's not me. I want it to be clearly not mine. So I know the limits. But not modern enough so it looks like a box. So there's a very specific point on your spectrum where you're happy in a hotel. I'm the very specific person. You are. I have a taste. You do. That is hard to satisfy. It is. What I want is an old style kind of run down, basically Premier Inn, but it's from the 1940s and it's got a kind of tagotty feel to it. In the wallpaper, in the carpeting, in the... I want that cheap wallpaper, which is kind of bubbly. I want bubbly wallpaper. Yeah, okay. You want that bubbly white stuff. It's like steamed down. You kind of hurt if you hit your head on it. No. It's just a wall, isn't it? You can't hurt your head on wallpaper.

9:08No, I'm talking... It's not paper then. It's just like a kind of style of... Oh, like when the walls actually bubbly. Probably. Oh, that's horrible. But that's what I'm talking about. There's a sort of rough charm to it. Right, okay. But enough about me. Because I've been going on about it. What do you like about a hotel's injury? Hmm. Tell me. What don't I like about hotels? I love the pre-immigable hotels. Excuse me? Oh, sorry. I thought you were answering the wrong question. But you were saying, I love hotels using the opposite. I haven't really learned how to talk. What I love about hotels is similar to you. The getting away from it all. I mean, you know, in the intro, I moderately trust the travel lodge. That's all fun and games. I love a pre-immigrant. I love a travel lodge. I don't like being in two-posh a hotel. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I always feel like I shouldn't be there. Or I'm doing something wrong all the time. And everyone's looking at me because this ssssnotty little boy is living here for a bit. And he shouldn't be here because fundamentally he's grown. The worst part is you probably are doing something wrong. Well, because I know I can feel it. I'm feeding into my biggest insecurity.

10:09It's not my biggest insecurity. It's not my biggest insecurity. I'm not welcome in posh hotels. And if it was, I'd be looking quite the sharp line. It's a nice problem to have, Andrew. It is. I find that when I'm in a really nice hotel, like for example, I went to this hotel in Bordeaux. Sure. And I was having a really big meal. Loads of cool items. Oh, exact same story as the other hotel. I was in a different place scoffing my face with fesans. And I kept, when the waiters would come over, I'd give them, I keep giving them the plates to like, because you felt like it was a posh restaurant. It's a really posh restaurant, but I felt a bit kind of uncomfortable there. So I kept giving the plates. But actually, all I'm doing there is making everyone uncomfortable. And I should just be sitting back like kind of, uh, Gordon Brown. And just sort of just loving it. Gordon Brown, the King of Class, yeah. Let them take my plate. Yeah. But there's a real, um, yeah, in posthit syndrome, which I fully relate to. I think I had exactly the same thing when I went to like a taster menu. And the waiter actually said, it's fine. You don't need to do all this. I was like, okay.

11:09Well, that's the, that's pretty savage. It is. It is, but it is. But it was fair enough because I'm over, I'm overcompensating for the quality of the service. I mean, take a fucking break, mate. It's fine. I'll do this. How far could you push it before it became absolutely obscene? You can't, the, the most you can push it is hand in the plate. If you start walking it back to the kitchen, you've definitely turned over the line. It looks like you're about to complain. Yeah. But actually, you're trying to, you're trying to get involved. Well, I have this problem at the moment with concierge's. My, I've got a concierge nowadays. I don't really understand what concierge's are. I guess they, they're the hotel. They give you vouchers until you to go, oh, this restaurant's nice. That's the concierge isn't it? I guess the most iconic concierge is that home alone nasty one. Home alone too. Or the sweet life of Zach and Cody. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like a fancy word. It is. What are they? Well, in a flat situation, it just seems to be an angry man who hauls on my post. He is horrible to me. I don't know where my, I didn't know where my fucking electricity meter, my gas meter was.

12:11So I then had to go and ask this angry little man who lives at the bottom of my flat. Did he tell of them? No, he's quite, he's bit taller than that. That would be obscene. It would be obscene. And then I know actually you'd be kind of doing hate, ableist stuff right now. I would, yeah. Because he would be a, he'd be shorter than any dwarf. Yeah. Yeah. Um. He's. Sorry. I am so, so. So we don't, we didn't know where our gas or electricity meters were. And then I had to go and ask this man and he was like, yeah, have you got, uh, have you got like 2.8 key? No. Well, you fucking sort of, no, I don't have that key. I have this specific key to over this though. He's, oh, final come up now. I was like, Jesus Christ. Okay. Easy, easy fucking pal. And then he comes up and then it's on top. We are the other side of our flat. There's literally a motorway and we're three stories up and there's a metal grill that's just a little bit outside. And he goes and stands on the grill over the motorway. He's like, it's here. I was like, okay.

13:11I went out and then literally the fucking thing bent. Me and him were bending the thing over the motorway. I'm just fucking clinging onto the sides. And he taps it a few buttons and then and then goes there you go. And I look at it and it's blank and I go, it's blank. And he goes, yeah, well, push a button then and I'm like, what is fucking going on? I'm suspended over a motorway with an angry man shouting to press a button when he was meant to be pressed with the fucking buttons, wasn't he? You should have, um, when would you have felt anything had he fallen through the gap? Ah, because he says, honestly, at this point, I wouldn't fucking mind it. You'll be over it by now. Well, yeah, and now I went and he's always on break. So I go and I go and try and collect my post and he's not there. And then one time I did it and I'm walking, I'm walking away and I see him walking back. And I just actually just couldn't be bothered to interact with it. So I kept walking, he's like, you got a lot of posts you need. You need to come and collect it. I was like, you're not, I was just there. You were there. Why are you shouting at me? And then we then walked back together in absolute stone-cold silence. And then you've got a sign for it. And then I put in, we live in a place called, let's call it Schuffburt Tower.

14:14And this is why I put CTC in. He's like, no, you can't put that because that's the name of another tower here. I went, why would I know that? Why are you always shouting? I'm just trying to get my fucking postmate. What is wrong with you? And then I was coming back from a mini break, I suppose, on yet fucking yesterday, whatever it was. And I'm cycling down the path. And of course, this fucking maniac is just like putting all the bins on the path. And he was like, you can't cycle on the path. And I was like, you can't put the bins on the path as well. Stop shouting at me and give me my fucking post. I don't get them. It's an inconvenience. Why can't I just get my post? I live in my door. Rather than have to go and talk to an angry little man every fucking day. Is he like a tiny, the way I'm impituring him is that he's sort of Dr. Eggman but tiny. And like one of those fish that has got their huge nose? No. What do you look like? He's a East End bloke. He's a smaller than thin. He wears a lot of gold jewelry. A little Norman of a man. Yeah, but he's got this aggression.

15:16So what we're doing is his whole life. He's done with it and therefore doesn't want to answer any questions which might be the only job of a concierge. It's to answer the residents very normal questions without making them feel like a fucking idiot. And to guard the people. He's kind of your guard. No. He's not a security guard. No, I just won't. Well, he's the first line of defense for any gunman. Yeah. But he lives slightly away. If a gunman came into my apartment, he wouldn't be there. Is there a chance that if it really hit the van, he would sort of... Yeah, show up. To be honest, maybe. I think he's got a lot of pent up fucking anger ready to go. But anyway, what's the fucking point? Probably lost his passion. It's a bizarre building. I don't know why they've employed a concierge. I mean, there can't be much for him to do on a day to day basis. No, receive posts and shout at me. That's his suspect just pissed off every time he has to do anything. No, I know. It's unbelievable. And it sounds like he's probably fallen off a bit because he would have back in the day he'd have been like... He'd have been at the grand hotel of London, right? And now he's in Choughburts' hours. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe, yeah.

16:16That might be his story. He's lost his spot. In fairness, I could have been a story he used to... He was like a career concierge and was doing very well for himself. And then he did something terrible. Now he's an army's stuff. Non-league. Not a league. Yeah, he's putting up with idiots like me when he's used to. Princes and even. You know, he's... Not poppers. No, the opposite. Popps. Popps. Popps. Princes and popps. Thank you, Matt. He's used to princes and popps and now he's got poppers and dopes. Hmm. We seem to take a wonderful time to jump into think it's cool. And we're here for the best and brightest minds that have ever lived. They never will live. And this week is no different as we dive into the topic of hotels. And as ever, we're going to start with... Every week. Who got in the lobby? And as ever, we're going to start with some quotes. And this week is no different as we do the fucking quotes. Go on. Who got in the lobby? In the lobby. Lovely. And the lobby. We've got unknown. The barge overhead. That's usually a problem. If there's someone in the back of the head in the lobby. Usually. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story.

17:17The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom. Nordstrom. Bigger small. We're here for all of it. industry 125 years, with new moments still out. Discover it all! In Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com. Hey spotify listeners! When you travel with American Airlines you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff unwined in the AdMirals club lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hardy bikes and refreshments. In flight stay connected with high-speed wifi. Sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy. From the moment you check in and to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com. That's going to be a risk of danger. Mm. You're very secure to your wear this episode. I am. I am. You're seeing a lot of threat and danger. You know, hotels, they're not to be trifled with. You don't know who's in there. I mean, I think back in the day, Andrew, I think that, you know,

18:19we would all go to each other's houses. But you know, at some point, there was too many of us. And so we had to do an outside hotel. Well, we're kind of going over to everyone's house. It's kind of all of us. How often instead of be like, do you want to come over to my mate, you go, ah, nah, we'll go to a hotel instead. I'd never do that, but I'd love to be able to. It's almost like what you said was nonsense. Well, it's more that the concept of a hotel is like everyone's house. Come over. Yes, it is. It is. That's true. You know, we are all able to be here. But there is someone in charge. In answer to your earlier question, we've got unknown in the lobby. And he's waiting here ready to do his quotes. So please take it away, I'm known. A hotel is a place where you can be yourself. Or someone else. Very good. Very apt that it's unknown. He's putting his own words into practice there. We don't know who he is. He could decide to be anyone he wants to be. Do you know why? Because he's a guest at a hotel. And therefore no question. I suppose no question is one way, sir. I'm not asking any questions if I'm in the lobby. There should be no judgment in the hotel. I get what I find is I'm in many ways.

19:21I'm more myself than ever when I'm in a hotel. That's what I was thinking. You've got your little towel and your little cup. You're kind of relaxed. You're in a sort of, there's no time in the hotel. You're kind of in your neverland. Yeah. Watching Bill Turner. What's his name? Turnbull. Bill Turner, bootstrapped Bill Turner. Watching him on the tele and everything's sweet for a bit. That's a David Jones again. What do you think it strips away the the artifice? It's like no one can have your stuff with you. So it's like, yeah, I think no one can get you in there really. Again, security concerns. But. There's. Yeah, but almost I think I'm more respectful and I'm definitely more respectful in a hotel than I am at home. Because I don't want to, you know, I don't want to be rude. No. And they'll be like, oh, this horrible, they'll, because they've got my name. They've got my birthday, not that they'll do anything, but just like, oh, do you, you know, they'll be left to be where I'm in a horrible state. I think I'm even, I'm, you know, that says a lot, but I'm way more polite in a hotel

20:21than a home. Well, because there's a paper trail. Yeah. Also, it's like, I just want, I don't want to fend the maids. Yeah. And I think there's much more of a risk of being country given that you've got literally, you've got maids the first time ever. Yeah. It's like I could really be a wanker now. Yeah. I need to watch myself. Well, again, it's that instinct of like, oh, I feel like I'm at someone's house. You're king of the castle for a bit or you pretending to be. Kind of the opposite. I'm at, I'm, it feels like I'm at my friend's mom's house. And like, she's just made me dinner, so I need to clean up. She's made dinner. I better clean up. What? No, you don't need to clean up that, Andrew. I know. I know. I think we, are we saying the same thing on the opposite? I don't know. I don't know what you're saying. You just keep adding bizarre interjections. I, I don't feel that anonymity. I don't feel that anonymity because I feel like I'm in someone's house, therefore I need to be more respectful than I am when I'm at my own house. Interesting. So I end up tidying up probably more than I do at home. Okay, I don't tidy up at all. Yeah. What a fucking shock. But I'm very polite to everyone. I'll, I will leave it like fucked.

21:22I won't like leave like an animal or like, it's the load of foam. Yeah. But I will, I know the night that would be though. Excuse me. Such an average, obvious joke. I did to me. What? Sorry. Do you think what was that? Do you mean my laptop? That would be quite the night, wouldn't it? Yeah. Animal and foam. It might imply you were having sex with a rabid animal because they foam at the mouth. Well, exactly. And that's a, that's terrifying. Johnny Depp once left his hotel room in quite the state, Charlie. You know, I might add, put on the bed, put, no. That was hurt. I think lots of sex stuff. Oh God. Oh, no, I'll just like it was just trashed or something. When he was spending a night with no, no, no, another than Kate Moss. He blamed it on a, famously he blamed it on an armadillo getting loose. No armadillo. No armadillo. You're a dillow. No, I'm the dillow. You fucking dillow. No, I'm a dillow. Another piece of information gone into the pointless void of investigators. I don't know. I don't know.

22:22I don't know. I don't know. I said it. He left loads of Carmen poo in his room. No, I don't think it was a Carmen poo. He trashed a hotel room with Kate Moss and then famously then he got billed for it. I can't believe I'm saying it again. And then he, it's good stuff. And then he blamed it on his, an armadillo, a rabid armadillo. How can you say that, John Nathan? I think because he's a bit, you know, tongue in cheek. Who is an armadillo again? Who is an armadillo again? And probably thinks he's above the hotel law, which none of us are. Hotel role play. Would you be into it? Union misses. Go like from modern family, you know, like Kate's not Kate. I don't know their names. Phil and Claire. Have you seen modern family? Yeah. When they do their like role play thing. Would you ever do and be interested in that? Meet your lady at hotel bar. You both tend to be someone else. You go out to a hotel room. Yeah, but I want to pretend to be, I'm not going to do it in the sort of textbook way, because I'm sort of gone. And I'll be. I'm pretending to be a, I'll be a classic one.

23:24OK. Who am I? I'm your boy. That's the only decision you have to be. Wait, what am I? I'm the guy. I'm the guy. He. Wait. I'm not entirely sure you know what's going on. I don't think he knows what's going on. I'm, I'm Nana. OK. And we've, we've, we've meeting you. I was a couple of decided to go to a hotel. I'll sit in the bar and you like approach me. Or vice versa. But we're playing different roles. And we play different roles. I think the couples do. Absolutely. Right. And then you said, but I wouldn't do it classically. I'd do it a bit differently. OK, I'm Nana, but I'm not. Right? Yeah. You're not. Excuse me, Lady. Hi. Hello. Oh, no, there's problem in your room, Mr. Mrs. Sorry. There's a problem in my room. There is a man in there. That sounds like an issue for security. Yes, but he say he only come out for you. Let's go, baby. So you're going to hook up your girlfriend with a different bloke. Well, you'll see. OK, right. Up we go. We got this. So how long you stay here? Only for tonight. Stink here, no.

24:27Sorry. No, it's a really nice hotel. You don't see behind. OK, I'm sorry. What have you seen behind the scenes? So many. Are you a Bellboy? Or a many call me, says, I have not name. Let's go. Come on. OK, excuse me, sir. So we're at the room now. Yes. OK. Excuse me, sir. We bring the package. OK. Good. Benley. Are you doing bear in mind? You're just put, we're paused this quickly. Bear in mind, you're doing both parts, unless you've been, have you employed another man? No. OK, so you're at the door with the hotel going. Yeah, here we go. Yes. Right. And I'm just looking at you pretending. You're getting very, OK. But I'll go with it. OK, you're playing. I'm just thinking, you know. Wait, if we go back in time, we go back 10 seconds, I can reset my. OK, no, it's such a good hotel. You know, see behind closed door by respect your attitude. OK, anyway, we're here. What, room 102? Yes, yes, so that's my room, yeah.

25:28Thank goodness. Who is it? Hey, Mr. We started about earlier, and you saw that thing, and we did. But we got the package. What thing did you say? He didn't know. It's not important. Oh my God. Don't worry. It's a horrible backstories. It's done. Too many men. It's done. Fuck me. And that's it. No, it's not even remotely. Oh my God, speed it up. OK, speed it up. Oh, you were just don't do anything. You're the way of all the regrets, sir. I've talked to you after. Is she here? Me? Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, I'm here. OK. Brewery. This is becoming quite uncomfortable for. I'm not sure I really want to go in this room. Pee me, pee me after. Pee me. Pee me. It me. I will shut up. Mature the lobby. Mature the in the toilets. OK, and that's it. And you go in and then we, I mean, I come in after.

26:30OK. Hey. And then you're like, what the fuck was that? Sorry. Just things have been a bit hard lately. And I wanted to introduce some more mechanics. I don't know. I just... Wait, who are you playing? Are you playing her now? Are you taking over my room? I'm me, break down. You're you! I'm breaking down. OK, now you're you, I say sorry. I love you so much. And things have been hard. And I wanted to do that. I wanted to... I didn't appreciate you as much when I earlier. Like, I really, I've been getting upset. And I just wanted to bring you here to a new space. Enough. Absolutely enough of that. Right. Awful. Absolute drivel. Not didn't have any interest. Your poor girlfriend, who's come up with a whole character and is sitting there ready to have this fun game. Not once. Not once did you ask her about who she is? Or anything didn't get her a chance of any of her past. You've used that opportunity as a way to... You could cut this bizarre one-man play, which is pro... Maybe the least sexy thing I've ever heard in my life.

27:32And then after it had a fucking break down in her arms. There you go. That was Charlie's hotel role play. And that's what that was. Right. That seems like a wonderful time to jump into further. I think it's corner. Let's hear about some super crazy mad hotels. They're super crazy. They're mad. They're better not be too mad. I'm trying to have a sleep. This is the Dog Bark Park Inn. So the Dog Bark Park Inn is a giant wooden beagle that you can sleep inside. The building is roughly 10 meters tall with guest accommodation inside the dog's body and head. A lovely big dog to sit in. Mmm. What'd you think? I mean, obviously charming as heck. One of the most charming things we've ever covered on a investigate. So you want to describe what you see for the listeners. It's a gigantic wooden dog with beds in it and a tail that is upright, which I imagine you can't get in. I'd like to see what's going on in the tail. I think it's probably like a kind of defunct chimney. Are you entering through like a bomb? Is that the stairs?

28:32Sorry. What was that, Matt? Do you want to describe what you see for the listeners? A gigantic wooden dog and which you can get into. I think you do seem to enter via the bomb. And, but we don't need to dwell on that. The point is it's a huge hotel which looks like a dog. And there's also a puppy which is maybe a kind of crash area for kids. Yeah, or like a sauna. But I wouldn't let my kids sleep in the puppy. Because what if, I mean, it'd be much easier to come and get them. Mmm. Yeah. I'm keeping the dog, the kids in the dog. I think it's nice to make sure your infras are sleeping close to you. Yes. I think it is. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, it absolutely is. I don't know why you wouldn't. Unless you didn't like them. Again, you've invented a situation that you're then concerned about. Yes, it's lovely. It's just, literally, it does what it says in the tin. Big dog. There's maybe one window in there. It's obviously a bit of fun to say. I raise high as windows. I think so, yeah. Brilliant. The windows are the soul in many ways. They should have called it the dog in. Hey, you want to come dog in? Yeah, the dog in?

29:32No. Well, even if that's on the answer, I mean, the dog bark park in. Maybe it's lovely, actually. No, well, I do think so. It kind of fits the vibe, doesn't it? It's a giant beagle in the middle of nowhere. Wait, go and sleep in. Does it bark? I don't think so. That would actually ruin it for me. Yeah, well, if you kept you up at night because it was barking or howling at the moon. And I'm trying to get some shot eye. It's kind of like one of those places where I think it would be nasty. I mean, having a... Having a hard time at the dog in. Or the dog book in, whatever it's called. You don't want to have a big like marital argument there. No, because there's this thing where like, you know when you're kind of on holiday, you should be having an amazing time. And then the contrast between being on holiday and having a bad time makes it feel even worse. I think if I'm sleeping inside a huge dog. It's actually, it'll make it worse. It's a great setting for quite a moody art housey film that's just kind of like a character explanation of a marriage going down the toilet. Interceptive looking out the eyes of the dog. Yeah, if you...

30:32There's a lot of films that would be a lot just... It's not funny, but it's set at... It's set there. And how absurd. It all looks when they're having these deep emotional arguments inside a fucking dog. It makes the pain go a lot harder. I like it a lot. I like it a lot. Let's make it. What are we calling that? Barking up the wrong tree. Seven years of pain. The story of loss. No dog in. Why? Because the marriage is breaking down. So they're not going to dog. Yeah. Horrible. Barking up the wrong tree. Because they barked up the wrong tree together. Yeah. Is that bit of a whimsical? Can we go a bit of heart nasty with it? Yep. Seven years of hurt. Yep. Seven years of hurt set at the dog bark parking. And it's a slow degradation of a marriage over it. Maybe even just like two. It's a holiday gone wrong film. Over two days. Seven dog years of hurt. And then they divorce and they have to leave out of its bum. And then walk out unless the final shot. And then does it burn to the ground? Or does it house a new family from Reading? Houses a new family. Right.

31:32But you can do more than just stay as a guest in a hotel, Charlie. You can live in them. Can I? You can. If you have the requisite finances. Well, you know, the desire to. Or if you didn't, you just pretended to work there and stayed in the little rooms. Yeah. Little rooms. Can anyone do that? I don't know what you mean by little rooms. Regular rooms. Right. But little rooms in the sense that you kind of would be quite as amazing there. No one would know you're in there. Oh, so there's actually guests staying in there. Probably not. No. So here are some famous people who have lived in hotels. Kogoschildl lived in the Ritz Paris for one of the 30 years, including during the German occupation of Paris. The hotel, again, my principal home, despite maintaining other properties. Not Nicholas Tesla lived in the New Yorker hotel in New York. Spent the last decade of his life living at the New Yorker hotel and died there in 1943. I know a Nikke Tesla. She runs a sauna. She runs a sauna in Peckham. Any relation to? Nicholas. Well, I always thought that she was named after something else, but maybe she was named after the Nikke Tesla. Maybe. Nikke Tesla. I think he's named after some sort of...

32:34Pill. Tennessee Williams, resided in Manhattan's hotel, Elise Sey, for 15 years, writing his later works, whilst star-famously moved, neighboring guests away from the constant clacking of his type, right? I mean, that would be a nightmare. Would, yeah. Have you ever had any raucous neighbor sounds? No. To be honest, I've been putting you because I'm usually the raucous blood he's over. Yeah, I keep me down. What are you up to in there? Just having cries with paracetamol. And lunch. I used to live next to the South African gays. They were not together, but they were both up for it. And one of them... I think there was some real issues going on, because one of them was sort of always shouting, evil, like we'd have guests to come over. And he got evil, evil, evil, ha, evil, fact. Yeah, he had mental issues, right? I think so, yeah, I thought one of them was fine, but then I clapped the one I thought was shouting. Sorry, the one I thought wasn't shouting was the one who was shouting that.

33:36And then there was another one who would shout, his Alexa, until Alexa how irritated he was. Alexa, I'm so irritated. I was aware that there were issues, and then I climbed in to check. Did they ask you to do that? No. But then finally we've got the real headline of this, which is David and Jean Davidson. So we do have a David Davidson here. That's just... I'm so sad. And Jean you're a splurk. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story. The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom.

34:38Nordstrom. Bigger, small. We're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years with new moments still add. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com. David and Jean Davidson were a British couple who lived in a travel lodge hotel in Grantham Lincolnshire for more than 20 years. They first began to stay at the hotel in 1997 and eventually made the arrangement their permanent home. Returning to the same room and booking it on a long-term basis. The couple approves the own apartment but decided that living in a hotel was more convenient.

35:39The hotel provided services such as heating, electricity and maintenance. Without them, they haven't managed to manage the house on themselves. They reportedly spent around £100,000 on accommodation over the two decades and became familiar with figures amongst the hotel staff. You'd hope so, wouldn't you? They're usual... Your thoughts? Yes. Big inhaler, bro. Well, I completely agree with what? With everything you'd been saying and the fact that if they didn't get noticed by the hotel. Either they're tiny. Yeah. Or they are the hotel needs to really up their game. I'm going to say the hotel needs to up their game, aren't you? Yeah, again in a situation that you've fabricated, by the way. There are usual arrangements continued until 2018. Let's flip that over. When the travel lodge informed them that they could no longer remain in the room because it was required for a refurbishment. The couple of subsequent moved to another hotel, continuing their preference for hotel living rather than returning to conventional residential accommodation. Now that's lovely, isn't it?

36:39Now that's britted right there. That right there is bread and... And again, you know, it sounds insane. But... Why not? Why not? Why not live in a fucking travel lodge for 20 years? No good reason. Well, I was... No cleaning. I mean, that's the fucking... No cleaning. That is heaven on earth, isn't it? You can't really cook that like... If you want to make your own food. Who wants to cook that, Matt? The cooking aspect is probably bad. You don't want to be in travel lodge dinners. No, friends over. It's a portable hob. Like camping hob. Might be. You tie it up with camping hob, make it look cool. I'm not sure that's allowed. They live here. They make exceptions. The hotel will be like, this is a fucking solid owner. I'm most repeat customer ever. I'm here every single night. They ate meals at the nearby little chef. I love the chef. Okay, I imagine they are dead then. You can't have 20 years of little chef and be alive. I've got a really clear image of her and him in my head. I imagine they're perfect with each other. They love the beach and fry ups. Yeah, I'm hotels.

37:39But they're probably quite gravely in kind of porous. And they just like seep out sausage. They're quite sort of... Yeah, they're sort of sponge people. Yeah, I imagine they brew very heavily when they go to bed. But they love each other. Because they're full of little chef. They absolutely love each other though. They are perfect with each other. It's a real like, you know, I almost respect the game of it. I maybe it's a good retirement thing. Fuck it. You know, they look far too good, although they could be 40 years old to be honest. That's what little chef food does to you. Do you not like little chef? I don't dislike it. It's discontinued now. Yeah. But it's not something I would want to eat every day for 20 years. Do you remember the surprise dessert they had on the menu? What was it? It was always jam-ready poli. Oh. Jam-ready poli. Jam-ready poli. Jam-rolly poli. What is that? You remember what jam-rolly poli is? No. It's just like jam and some sponge. It's unbelievable. Fun name. It is. But is it a fun pudding? Yeah. It was a mystery pudding. Can you take yourself to see it? Oh, I've had jam-rolly poli.

38:39Yeah. I thought it was just called cake. Why? There's a variety of cake, isn't it? I guess so. What do you imagine that the, what they were, the Junion Davidson? Yeah, Junion Davidson. That's it. Junion Davidson Davidson. That's their name, yeah. What do you imagine they're talking about? I reckon they're probably just talking about how the very subtle variances in the little chef food was. And like, all the, these towels are a bit coarse, so well, that's over with the reception. I don't think that, you know, there's not much to talk about when you live in a travel lodge and all you do is go to little chef to eat and come back to the travel lodge every night. They're probably thinking they've absolutely nailed it. But in some ways, look, I don't hate it. Not a way. Maybe for time and... I guess you can stay off. You can stay off. Yeah, home. It's kind of a hotel anyway, isn't it? Yeah. That's true. Maybe not for the prime of your life, but for 10 years, for maybe from 60 to 70 or 70 to 80, fucking never in a travel lodge. I reckon they're constantly, their constant vibe is, this is the life.

39:39I mean, I think genuinely the other day I looked at all the stuff I need to around my house and it was like, I would be lovely if this was a hotel. Well, I just didn't have to do any of it. It's so time consuming, having to do stuff. The amount of stuff you have to do is... It's pathetic. It's pathetic. It is pathetic. My lunch breaks are now just doing housekeeping. Why are they not putting more time into making a robot that actually does it? Well, there's that hoover thing, but I think... It's not the same. I need a little guy that will be there. I need like Wally, basically. Yeah. Who puts your clothes in the wash. Takes my dishes. Does my dishes... Yeah, dishwasher. Does it be... You know? Roof? No. The roof, I think, is the least of our concerns. It's not the least. What's the least of your concerns in your house? I guess sort of the... Floor. Ridiculous, take. The floor is not a problem for me. You don't see your roof. I see it. Well, we talk about the inside and the outside of the roof. No, no, no, hold on, hold on. That's a ceiling. Your roof is the outside bit.

40:40And Americans who call it Roof. Do they? There's like a specific accent, and they call it... Oh, the roof. Oh, the roof. It's almost like probably close to Canada. Roof. The roof. Roof. Don't know how I feel about it, do we have this? Because I kind of love it. Oh, interesting. You can add it to your margarisms. I can. Do you think you can have a love in American? Yeah. You? Yeah, but you actually have to pretend to be multis. So, do it that... No. No. Malta is tiny, do you know? Yeah. It's fucking tiny. Right. It's like the size of... Malta, I already know. Multi. It's on the map. Coin size. How big is a map? Pretty big. Pretty big. Total... Oh, it's just fucking... Absolutely. Nothing does. Yeah, I mean, it is obscene the amount of stuff you need to do. I mean, cooking, cleaning, washing, fucking. And then, you know, the just inevitability of dirt.

41:42What the fuck is that? Why is it? If humans live for a bit, it just gets dirty. It's fucking... It's dirty. Because we know most of dust is... You know, most of dust is dead skin. That's the thing, isn't it? You are having quite the time over there. Please jump in. I don't know what a delay of any further. I just can... Honestly, it is unbelievable how it just fucking forms. You have to do to make it... Well, I just have to say that like this. For dust to never form. But dust would still form. What is it? Because the skin would flake off. You'd be dusty around you. And just how skits dirty? You have a window open. You know, you've got to clean your house like once a week for it to be like nice. I can't do that. Yeah, and even can I. Who's got the fucking time for that? The dust is flying always. That's not exactly the point, baby. Is it? Just like, if I could... If I left a room to it. Dust has been accumulated as we speak here and now. If I just close all the windows. Yeah. I left my room to it. Would there be dust in there? Yeah. Yeah, from the ceiling, probably the walls. So there's just stuff in the air and then it settles from the floor.

42:43But then if the windows are closed. Dust doesn't happen in a vacuum. I know them. I'm not saying this at a closed house as a vacuum. But if you close the windows, it would just what's in the air will settle. And there'll be a layer of dust. Yeah. Right. Dust just accumulates from general. But just the... The mundality of consistent, just accumulation of dirt and bits is boring. Why is no one talking about it? Why is there a thing that's the first time I've ever spoken to someone about that? I've never spoken to someone about this. I really think it. Yeah, I agree. I guess it's like, no, it's like, what do you want to do? You just got to clean the house. No, they're here, no, there is it. Yeah. The job is...it's just not even a job. It's an inevitability. Yeah, it is an inevitability. It's going to happen whether you like it. So that's the joy of living in a travel lodge forever. That just gets taken care of. You spend all your time with a little chef. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. Don't think it's crazy. If I made my house into a hotel, would you come and look? Hmm. Would you say...

43:43Yeah, I'd come and look. Yes, I'd say. What's your hotel called? Is it the Is it in? Is it in yet? The Is it I double in yet. And that is for swingers to come over and do your thing with small businesses. Micro-peneless swinging hotel. Neesh market. Well, probably work, wouldn't it? Although I imagine it would be quite a male, heavy guest list. We'd have some gender quotas. You can't just have 100 men with micro-penises. They'll do something. I've got a picture of me when I visit China. Say that hotel that I was... Yeah, I couldn't act like crouched. Going through the corridor. You look like a fucking dick. If you must have terrified... If you ever wore down the corridors at night, you would terrify these little fellas. Because your face looks fucked because of the light. And you look like a monster. It's not very photogenic picture. You look at say...

44:43That's mad, Matt. Yeah. It was basically for those of us saying Matt can't fit in the corridor. It's a slender mat. Slender mat. Yeah, that is horrifying. You do feel like a monster in some places. Why is it so tiny? Why do you not watch that thing a bit of...? Yeah, because even for Chinese fellas, that's probably a stretch. That's tiny. I imagine they were trying to budge it too effectively. And I sometimes you've got to spend money to create a nice hotel. And there are any crawl hotels that exist at all? Probably not. No, maybe baby hotels. Those for those children are able to walk yet. No, because the parents have got to be in there somewhere. Yeah, which is an odd trope of this podcast that we're mentioning that parents should be around sleeping babies. Well, one too many times, I think they've been left. Who? Well, I mean... Navejian families. Mine. That was a weird boy, isn't it? Negligian families. Mine? They've great to me. Negligian families shouldn't believe in their kids in the fucking other room.

45:43Yeah, again, it seems like a point we've covered. It's worth stressing. We will quickly discuss the Null Stern Hotel. The Null Stern Hotel, meaning zero star hotel in Germany, was created in Switzerland by conceptual artist Frank and Patrick Wicklin, as a deliberate challenge to the conventional ideas of luxury and hospitality. The original version opened in 2008, inside a formerly a nuclear fallout shelter, where guests slept in a concrete bunker with shared sleeping areas in no conventional hotel rooms. The concept later involved into an even more extreme form. A single double bed placed outdoors in the Swiss out with no walls or roof, windows or doors. Guests were effectively sleeping directly in the landscape, while local residents acted as butlers, instead of a breakfast. The artist described the landscape as the hotel, challenging the idea that luxury requires an elaborate building or expensive facilities. The concept also played with the hotel star rating system, rather than five or seven stars, Null Stern claimed that the only star is you.

46:43What a load of Tosh. Can you get a picture of it up? Is literally the fucking bed in the mountain hill. Oh, it's fucking hotel. Can a conceptual artist fuck off? Just shut up. Oh, everything is shut up. It's like that fucking house we covered, where it was a glass house, so anyone could look in, because always in privacy and interesting concepts. Was this one? Yeah, if something makes it a point out. I'm definitely getting killed up there. Yeah, a particularly Larry Mountain goat would kind of impale you for some reason. I mean, fundamentally it is lovely. At the same time, I look, there's a great bed to sleep in. Are you sleeping in that, though? Like no protection. Yeah, I mean, the city's darkness hits is going to be quite disconcerting. Terrifying. But I Swiss Alps, what's happening up there? I don't know, you might get hit by a yodela or something. Mountain goat. Yeah, yeah, a goat. I'd be fine to handle a goat, I think, maybe. Also, crucially, you can't really do this anywhere else.

47:44You can't like in a redding or... No. No, because you'll wake up and there'll be like 10 men in your bed with you. They'll well. It needs to be on a private land. Holes known for their kind of... Well, if you live in Halciti, center. In Halciti, center. Well, what's really the difference between that and being homeless under a bridge? I'll tell you what, you got more protection under the bridge. How many? Do these? Get ampilers, I guess. But, you know. You got more protection from the outer world. Yeah, but I guess you got less protection from people there. It's just not a hotel. It's this conceptualized thing. Oh, this is an idea. Is it... Is it an idea? Is it really an idea? Well, it's a challenge for ideas about what I was telling was really made by putting a bed of mountain. Is that a thing? I don't think it's a thing. So, shut up. I guess it's like... It's not really the mountains are a hotel. The mountain is kind of your house. It's really what they mean. You're staying at yours, which is everything. The land belongs to all of us.

48:45You know, the only thing you got worried about is not dying of cold. I guess so. I'm not moved by that. It's not meant to move you. It's a fact. That's what they're saying. Now, I've got my notes under this penis and vage hotel, which I... Oh. I don't know. I said a penis and vage hotel. You're not going to be able to find it if you type a penis and vage hotel, but it's a hotel. I was like, hotel at Moire or something in France. And it was like, it's in Paris. It's like, oh, this is a fun hip hotel. I would just say I'd like a reccox and vaginers everywhere. Did you stay there to spice things up? No. It was an accident. Right. It was a bit like, you know, we were affronted by it quite frankly. It was meant to be the hills. It was a... It was a porin on our centers. We just wanted a lovely little travel lodge. To rest your money. I've got seven erect penises staring at me when I wake up. All right. And again, it's like, all we're a hotel, we have to do something interesting. Do you? No. Do you have to do something interesting? I guess like, you know, that's what happens. People do a career and something. They do a career and something.

49:45And I like, yeah, great. I'm going to push the boundaries of it. And I'm going to play with the space and make it something. It was like, do you need to do that with a hotel? Is there any room for a rec penises of a ginors on the walls of a hotel? There is room for them if they perform a function other than... Co-hanger. Safe. Sage. Vaginal safe. Yeah. Sage, yeah. An advisory knob. An obliquit. So, Martin Lewis. But it's a piece on the wall. Yeah. Which is what I want when I'm going to bed in Paris. And it's French. You can save 60 pounds on your car insurance if you do something really boring. No thanks, penis. I'm too busy with my woman. But it's, you know, because then you go in there and you're like, if there's a guest with, oh, this is, you know, all different. Yeah. If you can't handle it, well, then you're not fucking ready for it. No, I don't think I'm going to say that. Who fuck? It's just like, oh, look, there's knobs on the wall. I'm not in a hotel for novelty or for anything kind of, I want it to be nice, clean. I'm going to escape from my life. That's why I like it premier in.

50:45It's just a nice bed. Good pillow. You're going to have a fucking fry up in the morning. Good people. Good people. Salt to the earth. They actually are. Salt to the earth. But then you pay more money. I don't, and then you end up paying more money because it's got cocks on the wall. Oh, it's not just about the bed. It's the experience. What putting cocks on a wall was an experience. No, it's not. The best hotel I'd say in the world. I'm not a religious person. You're a Sikh. Seeking the truth. That's what I'm doing. Absolutely. It's when you stumble across as a pilgrim or a religious boy. If it's pouring with rain and you stumble. When have you ever been a pilgrim or a religious boy? I've not. This is what I want. Stumbling across a church as a monk caught in the rain and then sleeping there overnight. That's the best form of hotel, I think. Okay. Stumbling, oh, you're a drenched imam. It's fucking pouring and then there's a mosque over there. It's like, boom. The coziness of a church and a light, I think. The house of God for whoever your God is. Sleeping there to seek shelter.

51:46Well, there's a kind of the final form of hotel. Maybe there's a kind of spiritual aspect to that, I guess. But also, I think, yelled stuff like a tavern. Or what are they having like? What are they called in the hateful light? What are they staying in? Shed. So good, so good, so good. Stay cozy and look cool with up to 60% off cold weather gear at Nordstrom Rack. Safe on Kashmir, out of wear, boots and more from brands like Ugg, Vins, Khohan and Hunter. Join the Nordy Club for free to unlock exclusive discounts. Shopped Clarence and New Arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admiral's Club lounge with curated self-serve offerings of party vites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive.

52:49No matter where you're going, American gets you there. But now at AA.com. No. I mean, not. It's like a... A Habadashery. Yeah. You know, you're coming in from the cold, you've been traveling for a horrible amount of time, traveling back in the day. Fuck me. I'm going to sit in a horse and cart for seven days. Now, can we have a song from you about... It's pouring with rain and you've been on the horse and cart for days. And you really would like a little lie down. Song down the barrel, please. Sitting down on my cart. The rain pulls outside of me. I'm so weary. Let me go to sleep. But I'm traveling to see my paw. I'm going to get it through this rain. There's a Habadashery down the lane. I'm going to warm my toes in the fire. And everything's going to be alright in the...

53:51Habadashery. We're going to have a time in the Habadashery. Everything's going to be just fine. It is the Habadashery kind of time. Oh, Habadashery time. Oh. Pretty good. Okay. I like my paw a lot. Find my paw. Yeah, you like anything that is some sort of emotional connection to your father and impressing him. You love. And I wonder why. Yeah. Woo! Well, which seems like a wonderful time to jump into Patreon Valley. The Valley is a hotel. And as ever, we're going to take some questions from our Patreon members, which you could also be if you so care. If you were checking an extra episode every week. And sometimes they're bloody brilliant. This question comes from SDes. Maybe Two in a Row? Don't know. Said Joe. And he asks, or she asks, like the Gideon's Bible in the bedside drawer of many hotels, what would Andrew and Charlie leave for everyone in their rooms free of charge?

54:54Gideon's Bible. Say that again. You just said it again. Gideon. You know that there's a Bible in a many. Never seen a Bible in a hotel. It's quite classic, maybe more in America. Right. There's often Bibles left in a hotel. Okay. You know, that's a, like, to, you know, stamp some religion on it. But what would you leave in your, in the drawers free of charge? A donkey. I guess I get a little shot on Jews. A Jew shot. To be fair, that'd be quite nice. A little, a little ginger shot, but it's like, it changes depending on the, the, the 10 on the drink and, okay. What's the point of that? So it feels slightly customized to you. It's like whatever you need, it slightly blends itself to a magical Jewish shot. I am hoping that there's something out there that vaguely resembles that idea. Yeah. It, you know, something happens in there, depending on how you touch it. And it's like, I'm home.

55:54Okay. So something to make them feel homely with some sort of magic. It's just you. It understands me. This is the Jewish shot of my dreams. I'll be coming back here. I'll be coming back here for more personalized Jewish shots. There you go. That's his. I said a donkey earlier. Why would you, how would you do that though? Because they go. Apparently we're doing magic hotels. No, no, no, no. I can't leave a shot. You can't have a live donkey in there. A map and then, and then there's a circle and it's like a treasure spot, right? And then they all go and try, excuse me. Sorry. Yeah. Why are you pointing to you? I have an idea. You have an, that's, that's you think I have an idea. Seven year old boy. Go on. Please. No, let's see. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear you. I do. I'd love to hear you. The treasure spot is like they're looking all over the hotel. Oh, where the fuck is the treasure turns out the treasure is in their room. But if it was Martha that is in their room, why would they be moving anywhere else? The map changes. Oh, it's a magical map. A magical map. It's very high for to know. Yep. I didn't say Harry Potter.

56:55He did, which seems like a magical, not a magical, fuck me, which seems like a wonderful time. A magical time to bell hop our way into pieces past. Bell hop. What? Is your, what do you mean you're coming up with all these work, connoting bell hopping? No, he says that. We're not living in hop. A bell hop is somebody works at a hotel, right? You know, a bell hop. Never heard of a bell boy. Bell hop is a, I guess it's a fucking American. It's a, it's a, those blows, okay? They're bell hops. Bell hop. Hop. I'm up in here. Hop is also a mode of transport in a way. You can hop somewhere. So bell hop is a combination of the two of them. Right? What do you mean no? I guess. Of course it is. Just call it a bell boy, like a normal, like a normal. But bell boy, it can't be a verb. I bell boy my way into, it can't be for you and you'd love it and it'd be brilliant, wouldn't it? I bell boy, it's a war. Some of us want to live in a semblance of reality. I bell hop my way into, that's, you know what? That's a great thing I've just said. It's great. And you've muddied the waters.

57:56Muddy waters. Singing boys. No, I'm ready. Ready? No, yes I'm ready. I've been ready to. Hey there, delallo. No, that's nothing. And as ever we're going to finish off this episode on hotels with some pieces as we've each written about the topic of the week, which is hotels. And this is, my piece is called hotels and it's by me. Room service. So I didn't order any room service. But it's complimentary. That's more thank you for choosing our hotel. Uh, sorry, I've already eaten so just give it to another room if you want. I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. This is a meal that's been made specifically for your taste by our head chef. No, thank you. Sorry, I'm not interested. Just over the fucking door. What? Over the fucking door right now. No, what the fuck did I let you in? If you're fucking doing what's good for you, you'll do exactly as I say.

59:05Now open. Door. Are you fucking threatening me? Yeah, no fucking. Yeah. Now get to opening the fucking door. You crack. Sure to range. I'm not going to let you in. You're fucking insane. As I fucking say, but I can't promise. Gwen will see tomorrow morning. Gwen, how do you know my daughter? Open the fucking door. Sit on the bed. How do you know my daughter? Just fucking sit down. I'm tired of this shit. Fine. Fine. Okay. Now just shut the fuck up and listen. Look up, cold one Tuesday. I'm looking tired and feeling quite sick. I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life. So I quickly opened the wardrobe, pulled out some jeans and a t-shirt that seemed clean.

1:00:07Taped it off with a pair of old shoes that were ripped around the seams. And I thought these shoes just don't suit me. Hey, I'll put some new shoes on and suddenly everything's right. I said, hey. I'll put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling. It's so inviting. Oh, shut up money. But a long time. The slowly strolling and the sweat's on shine. And I'm running late and I don't need an excuse because I'm wearing my brand new shoes. Did you force yourself into my room and threaten my daughter because you wanted to sing me new shoes by power and retaining? Yes. It's perfect. You're perfect. I never wanted to win. It never will. Work up late one Thursday. And I'm seeing stars as I'm rubbing my eyes. And I felt like there were two days missing as I focused on the time.

1:01:10Then I made my way to the kitchen. But I had to start from the shocker while I found a room full of all my friends. There you go. A piece about hotels. I've got nothing more to add. Thank you. Charlie, your piece. So my piece is actually based on an experience in a hotel. There was this amazing desk lady called Samira. She was from Morocco and this is for her. This is it from New York. She was in a fucking like home alone two style hotel in New York. I'm not there. Yeah. Desk lady. Samira. This place is called hotels but really it's called Samira. Jet black hair in a shiny suit. She towered. Her fingers floating over the keys. An artist. Mama. I reach across the desk. And suck all her hands. She curses and pulls away.

1:02:10I am not your mama. You're not my Zachary. Right. OK. Can we have our keys please then? I bleed up. Silence. Don't interrupt me ever again. Sorry I'm so sorry. I just really need a shower. I feel like stink. She puts me in her breast pocket and kisses my head. Whispering that I definitely do really stink. I feel warm against her puss. Where are we going? Shaddapp. Yabba yabba yabba. The inflight meal was to Jean. At least that's what it smelled like from Mum's breast. It sent me off into a deep well seasoned sleep. She tapped her pocket and broke my nose to wake me up. It hurt. In a good way. We had landed. I lifted my head above the satin and rubbed my eyes. Malta. Just how I pictured it. Mum's father picked us up from the terminal. He was a bald man with sad eyes. He couldn't speak.

1:03:10He couldn't speak English so he sat in silence. The only sound coming from that. The only sound coming from the humming engine and my blood flowing into her lap. Finally, we hit the beach. Grandpas stayed with me while I swam. I was surprised how smoothly the water rippled off his back and how long he could hold his breath. He took me by the hand and told me to hold mine. We swam down. Down and down and down again until we reached a reef where the coral were without any color at all. They were black, dressed as though morning. Morning what I didn't know. I held a branch tightly as I could before turning to grandfather. I'm ready. Water filled my lungs and it all went black. Thank you. A wonderful piece about hotels and the importance of them. What have we learned this week, Charlie? We learned that hotels is not motels and fuck motels.

1:04:11I think we haven't spoken about motels. I've inferred it from extensive knowledge. That is definitely true. We've learned that Matt is gigantic and there's no place for him in small hotels. No, it'll freak out the guests and he'll hurt himself. Demon boy. Send him out. What would you like this week, Andrew? I've learned that hotels come in different shapes and sizes. Circles? Squares as well. Really? Maybe just leave him. Just fucking put a bed in a box and serve some sausages and shut up. That's all I need. That's all we need. We should rest our weary heads. Now let's go rest our weary heads, Charlie, as we fall asleep. What? Love you. Love you too. See you next week. Welcome back, frickin' Frack.

1:05:15Welcome to the jungle. ABC Wednesday. Abbott is back. It's gonna be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. You don't think you run this school. But you got it. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle. Frank, guys. Season premiere, Wednesday on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I don't know if you've heard, but Mint's premium wireless is $15 a month. But I'd like to offer one other perk. We have no stores. That means no small talk. Crazy weather we're having. No, it's not. It's just weather. It is an introvert's dream. Give it a try at MintMobile.com slash switch. Up from payment of $45 for $3 a month plan, $15 a month equivalent required. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See MintMobile.com.