Comedy clips

0:00Hey, this is strong. Everyone clicks their Marie Anderson. How y'all feeling? How dead today? I hope everybody is doing well. If you're not doing well, let's find a way to get real. Look well. And of course you already know it be well. Right now we are going to listen to some dry bar comedy. So let's get our laugh on. It's like little clips, but it's still good. Just nice. I love my parents. They're wonderful. They are. They're my parents very much. Although I think it's your parents' job right to psychologically damage you. Right? It's your job just enough to make themselves laugh. Right? That's a parents' job. Right? Well, my girl came. We grew up in a bad neighborhood. We had raw air in bars on the windows. And my mom was putting me to bed one night when I was a kid. And she goes, don't you worry. Those bars will keep out all the bad people. Well, except the skinny man. Good night. Who's the skinny man?

1:03I haven't been terrified of being people ever since. They're so lying. They can end that area as other people can't. Like, where did you come from under the baseboard like a rat? Like a weird child. I think you ever look back on your child and think things were weird. Not weird, but I'll take this. For 15 years of my life, I believed that I was allergic to apples. I was one time when my sister dared me to eat six grand smith apples as fast as I could. Now, if you guys know, this apple is really high in fiber. I'm not allergic to apples. You're just not supposed to have six apples in your fat kid face in two minutes while your pooper pants.

2:03You'll sell it your bloopers. You'll sell your Oshkosh Vagashas. That's my message here tonight. You guys an apple a day. But just one. It's all you need. When I first moved to New York from Nashville, I was here three months. We would always do comedy when we'd go eat at a diner really late. One night, sitting at the back of the diner with some of the buddies, and this guy walks in with a C&I dog. But he was pretending to be blind. He's not blind. I could tell. I'm really good at telling when people are fake blind. And he walks in. First of all, he makes a big announcement to everybody. He's like, hey, I'm blind. I'm blind, everybody. And he starts just walking around, just knocking everything off everybody's table. I wish I could see what's going on, but I can't because I'm blind. And he had a C&I dog, but he was leading the dog around the whole time.

3:07Like the dog never got in front of him. And I was like, it doesn't work like that. Well, I don't think the dog builds confidence. And as I want you to do something on your own, I just want to see what I'm doing with. So I'm watching all this happen. I'm getting pretty upset about it, because I just moved to the north from the south, so I still cared about people at this point. Now I've been beaten down by New York. Now if someone died in front of me, really right in front of me, how are you? You just tell him, like, don't look at him. That's what he wants. That's what he wants. So I'm like, all right, I gotta say something. So they kicked him outside. I get out there. My main barrier hit, I think this is New York's biggest problem. So I walked over. And I was like, hey, what's wrong with you, man? Why would you pretend to be blind? You know, how would you feel if you really were blind?

4:08And he was like, how would you feel if you were blind? I was like, what's that have to do with anything? And then he sprayed me with the mace. And let me tell you, blind or not, he was crazy accurate. It wasn't like, oh, did I get him? It was both eyeballs directly. The bridge of my nose wasn't even wet. That's how good he was. And when you get sprayed with the mace, you can see for a second. And I look up and I saw him, he runs across the street. And he got hit by a cab. I promise. He ran around for the cab. And it's like he was all right. He hit him and he fell into the sidewalk. And I remember thinking, I saw that cab. He definitely should have seen it. And it's like, all right, that's a good chance he is blind. Maybe it's his first day or something. I don't know. When it happened, you know, the weird.

5:09I was like, tell people when I told people they always want to be like, oh, was it makes your pepper spray? I got asked that. Everybody asked me that. Was it makes your pepper spray? Which is like, I don't know what it was. Like, what kind of life are you living if you could tell the difference in mace and pepper spray? If I knew, I was like, that time was pepper spray, that time. Yeah. This happens a lot. It happens a lot. Another expression that bugs me that people say is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result. Whenever someone says that, I like to pretend I didn't understand. So they'll repeat it. You think yourself smart? They go, the definition of insanity is then the same thing twice and expecting a different result. Like, I don't get it. The definition of insanity. Like, you're crazy. You're stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Idiot. Right?

6:09You're just on the back of it. You know the image of the one we're all sitting around in our underwear, playing banjos, playing in our next trip to Walmart. What the hell did you do? You get the big cart, my mom, the press is rolling on back. Junior. No. Junior. Pull it together. Actually, you know what? I think people think we're idiots because of TV. Anytime you see a Southern person on after a tornado or a hurricane or a flood, do they not put the biggest idiot in the world on TV to represent? Right? It's the same dude every time, too, right? It's always the same guy who's got like a tank top on and he's bleeding out of half his face. I don't know. I thought there's crap or an Xbox bank. It's a mess out, half. I grew up in a trailer. Yes. If I live in a trailer, you ever see the trailer parks in a trailer? Yeah? They always fancy up the names of the trailer park. Don't they try and make it sound like something that's not like rolling hills of states?

7:16Sounds dreamy, doesn't it? Champagne Village. Come on in. Well, there'd been one when I was a kid called Ocean View. It was 430 miles from the ocean. My favorite person to hang out with, my family is my mom all, because she's 92 years old and she keeps vodka and a meylock's bottle in her purse. You know I always have a drink with my mom all. She's cocktail-rated all the time. She's like that? Yeah. One of my family members pulled me aside though and they were like, we think my mom all's got a problem. We think she needs to get into AA. She's ruined in her life. She's 92! Anything past 80 is a bonus round. If I'm making a day past 80, I want to be hooked up to like a tequila IV drip bag. You know them big things in the hospital, big bag, and tequila hanging off of them walking around. What's up?

8:18Whoo! Welcome to Papa's House. Papa's House, how am I wasting it? Papa needs to fresh back. This has got a worm jammed in the water. I can't get another one. I got no flow over here. I can't really play the guitar very well. I'm orcing, so you know, apologies. Starting 8K resolution meditation app. In honor of the revolution, it's half off at the gap. Deadpool self-awareness, loving parents, harmless fun. The backlash to the backlash

9:20to the thing that's just begun. There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling. There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling. The surgeon general's pop-up shop, Robert Eiger's face. Discount at the adjut prop. New goals take on race. Female Colonel Sanders, easy answer civil war. The whole world at your fingertips. The ocean at your door. The live action lion king.

10:21The Pepsi half time show. 20,000 years of this. Seven more to go. Carpool karaoke. Steeveo karaoke. Logan Paul. A gift shop at the gun range. A match you'll hang at the mall. There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling. There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling. Reading porn hubs terms of service. Going for a drive. And obeying all the traffic laws.

11:21Grand theft auto-fine. Full of gordafobic. Losing focus covered blonde. A book on getting better. And delivered by a drone. Total disassociation. Fully out your mind. Google Indie Realization. Hating what you find. That on a parent's summer air in early fall. The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all. There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling.

12:22There it is, again, that funny feeling. That funny feeling. Hey, what can you say? We were overdue. But it'll be overdue. You wait. Hey, what can you say? We were overdue. But it'll be overdue. Just wait. Hey, what can you say? We were overdue. But it'll be overdue. You wait. Hey, what can you say? We were overdue. But it'll be overdue. We're overdue.

13:23Hey, what can you say? We were overdue. It'll be overdue. You wait. Hey, what can you say? I'm a little cranky. I'm sorry if I'm cranky. I apologize. I'm not getting enough sleep. It's hard. It's hard now. First of all, do you guys know when you are pregnant? There are rules. You're not allowed to sleep on your back. Did you know that? The way that you got pregnant is not allowed. This is true. You're supposed to sleep with special pillows. There's a wedge and there's a snuggle. And you put a pillow in your crotch. And then around your head. And then I put one on my husband's crotch. Because don't touch me. And there's you got to pull one under here.

14:24And then you end up building a nest to sleep in. Like a chicken. It takes me 20 minutes to get into bed at night. Because I'm just collecting everything. Just collecting my nits. 40 pillows. So I can... I get in my little nest, right? I get... And then I have to pee. So I get out of my nest. And then I'm not getting enough sleep. I get all of a sudden I don't know where five o'clock in the morning he wakes up. I don't know where. Mommy. Like he's athletic heckling me.

15:27Mommy. Easy out. So I go down to his room. It's five. It's still dark. I try to convince him it's still nighttime. Right? I go. Go back to sleep. Look. And it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep. And he goes, no, it's not. It's time to wake up. And I go, no, no, no. Go back to sleep. And he goes, yeah. It's morning, Mommy. And that's when I start talking through my face. You go back to sleep. It's still night nights. And he says to me, it's over for you, Mommy. Now he's talking about night night. But I took it like my life. I get back to my room, right? Go back, get back into my nest.

16:28Get back it. My husband is asleep. Of course, has slept through this entire transaction. With that face, that snores face. Change your face. It can't be the same face day in and day out. Change your face, put on a funny hat or a silly bow tie or something. And he knows I can't sleep with any extra sounds. He knows this. And I feel like he's doing it on purpose. I feel like he's snoring to break my spirit to live. I want those people, I need complete silence. Just complete silence. I close the curtains and everything. The drapes, the windows, every party.

17:30I pull the covers up and I just look around for sounds. You shut up. And he's snoring and it's like Chinese water torture. You know how they kill you one drop at a time? With Chinese water torture. You know, it's like drip. Well, that's it. Sometimes he waits until it's the middle of the night. Right? The middle of the night. And it sounds like he's starting an 84 cutlass theory. Just out of nowhere. What was that? You're going to flood the engine.

18:30Then a main elephant has come into the room. What end did that come out of? This is my soul mate. What kind of jacked up soul do I have? This. A friend of mine said, you got to take him to a doctor. I said, I got to take him to a mechanic. And she goes, no, he needs a special pillow. And I was like genius. Because then I could just put it over his fridge. The internet has created more problems than it's solved.

19:33And the solution to the problems of the internet and the eyes of the internet is always more internet. That's how the internet got into all the other stuff. Right? You know the Pope has a TED talk? Not because those of you in the back. The Pope has a TED talk. What is the Pope's TED talk? Like, what are you doing to take your spirituality to the next level? The internet got into all the other stuff. Right? Because the internet people they are always talking about, I had one internet person tell me he said that the problems of America are because the founding fathers lacked the vision of Silicon Valley. And I was like, okay, yeah. So like instead of like give me liberty or give me death, it would be like here at colony, it's all about you.

20:37They always say that the solutions to the problems caused by the internet is more internet. Right? Because like, you know there was a guy in New Orleans, there was a guy running for mayor of New Orleans who said that he, his platform, his thing, was that he was going to quote, uberize the police force. And like, that happened two years ago. I've been thinking about it for two years. And I cannot think of a worse idea than turning the police force. Into uber. Hey, I'm here to investigate. It looks like armed robbery. We're reported by Miranda. Okay, cool. Yeah, just hop on in the back. I'm Aiden. This is my partner, Bladem. Yeah, there's some bottled water. There's a place for you to charge your phone if you need to. Right now, it looks like you select it uber police.

21:38So we're going to take it downtown, but we're going to have to like pick up three more criminals. Also, we don't make a whole lot of money at uber police. So we're actually moonlighting for postmates too. So we're going to run this Ethiopian food up to some people up there. Don't forget to leave a five star rating for Aiden. The internet is going to be on our stuff now. Do you know about the internet of things? The internet of things. All of your home appliances are going to be on the internet. Which now all the stuff in your house is going to be like a little bit more vain and a little bit more racist. The internet of things. You wait, I'm going to get it for breakfast. If you're like, hey, I was going to make you breakfast except they're like the fridge. Just keeps re-tweening Bernie Sanders stuff. The stove is all in for Bloomberg. You can't get them to agree on anything, right?

22:41And I'd make a smoothie except they didn't want to have to brunch with the TV and radio. Spot goals, I guess. I've been traveling around a bunch. I went to Amsterdam. If you're a drug addict or a pervert, Amsterdam has got what you need. For sure. I myself. Pervert. I went. I checked out the red light district. All the ladies, they stand in the doorways and try and chat you out of your money. And I came home and I was telling my mom about my vacation. And she was like, oh, I could never do that. All the standing. Really? That's the reason you're not a hooker in Amsterdam. A horrible thing to find out.

23:42I told you before my mom is single so I tried to help her meet somebody. So I got her a match.com account. Which has been a nightmare. That is a terrible idea. First of all, she asked my advice because on a match.com you need a little tagline to introduce yourself. And she asked my advice because she had written, hello. A little effort in mom. We're trying to meet somebody. She's like, how about red light party lady? And I was like, that's too much effort. I think we're going to find something better than that. And computer stuff. She doesn't have to upload a photo. She needs my help with that. And you know when your parents ask for help with the computer? You think it's going to take 10 minutes and then sit down and slowly you realize this is a radical. That descends into the 9th circle of hell. You could be there any amount of time. You're going to 4th text. Three days later. I have a beard now.

24:42I get it all set up for my mom. You just get out there and just chat up a man. You just chat up a man. And she was like, well, what do you think I should say? I was like, mm-hmm. I'm just saying, guys, you don't understand the depths of psychological torture. Until you're sent beside your mother. As I have, typing into her match.com account, trying to pick up men for your mother on the internet. And my mother is a lovely person, but I don't understand her behavior at all. Like, watching my mother make a decision is like watching a movie with the rock in it. The whole time you're like, well, that doesn't make sense. Like, if I can tell you guys a story, 60 years ago I drove my mother home from my cousin's Christmas party. And I had to stop using the bang machine, right? So I stopped at the curb side, throw the hazards on, I go use the machine. And another car is pulled up behind us and just laid on the horn.

25:42Which is weird because we are on a four lane street at midnight on Christmas Eve. We're literally the only two cars on the road. This guy pulls up behind me and he's like, oh, great. Traffic. And he's on the horn. I'm getting into the car. I can't get in any faster. And I don't know what's going on in his head, but this guy just guns it right into my trunk. Just smash it into me and then reverse his and goes. Like, this is a dance battle and now it's my turn. And I'm yelling at this guy, but now I can see in his eyes like this guy is not just somebody who had a bad day at the mall. Like, this guy is on Crystal Math for sure. Because he's looking at me like, I'm going to murder this dragon or something. I'm yelling at this guy and then he just guns it right into me. Just hits me with this car. I land on the hoodie, stops, I jump. I'm not furious. I'm like, you better get out of your car, son. We're about to fight and also exchange insurance information because you just hit me.

26:43And I'm yelling at this guy. He's yelling at me. Unseen by either of us. My mother has gotten out of the passenger seat of my car. Run behind both cars and through his open window reaches in and tries to choke him to death. Can you imagine how crazy that is for this guy? Right, he's just out on Christmas Eve doing a little Crystal Math like a citizen would. He runs into a dragon and then the dragon's mom tries to kill him. Crazy trip is that. So he just freaks out and guns it and he swears around me and takes off. And it sounds like the story is over because you assume my mother let go. Nope. My mother ran alongside a moving vehicle trying to choke him to death. Because she couldn't keep up anymore and she got thrown clear. And she got thrown. She slid like 35-40 feet on the wet cement in her white fur coat. My mother's PDD. Just slid.

27:44I'm freaking out. She's 62 years old at times. She could have been like, her skirt broke her hip or her face. And she goes, oh, where are we? Oh, my God. Mom, are you okay? Are you okay? I get over to her. She jumps up and says, we're going after him. What are we going to do if we catch a mom? You and me against this Crystal Mathetic and then she turned to me and said something you never think your mother's going to say to you. She turned to me and said, you know what we're going to do? Street justice. It's like, well, that should be your tagline from ash.com. I did have to babysit recently. I didn't want to. My upstairs neighbor asked me and I wanted to say no. But I was like, man, if she's asking me. Everyone she knows just died. Of course I'll help out.

28:44It takes a village. It wasn't too bad. She was a five-year-old daughter. I won't say her name because I don't know it. We had a nice time. We played Barbies. I'd never played Barbies before. She really blew my mind when she pulled out Barbies' bright pink plane. I was like, wow. Is Barbie the pilot or a flight attendant? And she said both. Stressful. Barbies teach in these young girls a valuable lesson. When you become a woman, you can be anything. But you will probably have to do everything. Now get to that second job. Barbies was created 60 years ago.

29:45Obviously she was hired as a stewardess. And then one day she just had to step up. She was like, what? Bill's drunk again. Well, that didn't stop him from flying yesterday. We'll give me the keys. These people need to get to Albuquerque. She just hits the skies. That is a long day at work. She's going to get home. Just had straight for the liquor cabinet. Poor herself for fingers of vodka. Who can blame her? It's her only unit of measurement. She's drunk. She's drunk. Giles can leave some just a long, rambling voicemail. She's drunk Giles can leave some just a long, rambling voicemail. Albuquerque is cat pit. Drink cat pit. Drink cat. I don't know the last time I took my birth control.

30:45She drops her phone in the toilet. Whoops. Good thing I'm a plumber too. Much like Barbie, I've had a lot of jobs. I've had a lot of jobs I did not like. And I always have a lot of empathy and understand when other people aren't having a good day at their job. Recently, I got a $5 hot and ready pizza from Little Caesars. And I was like, they're not having a good time of it. I've never gotten one of these pizzas. They're always cut all messed up. Every one of them has like three giant slices and then four little six skinny ones. It's like how is there an odd number? That's impossible.

31:45I finally figured it out though. It's a literal pie chart for why the pizza guy works there. 30% rent, 25% utilities, 25% groceries, and then 5% for each of their 4D wise. Unlike Little Caesars employees, I just gave that joke 100%. Alright, let's talk about me a little bit. Let's give you gossip hounds what you came here for. I'm from a small town. It is growing, but it is not a big town yet. It is in the middle. We are big enough that we just got ourselves a dairy queen. But we are small enough that everyone planned their week around the opening. People are like, what are you doing on Friday?

32:47You don't even ask. You know exactly what I'm going to do. I'll see you at the DQ and see me. We're big enough that crime is becoming an issue in my town. But we're small enough that nobody knows what to do about it. So we're just offering suggestions in the local paper. People are like, maybe if we put up more lights down the side streets, we could put up some cameras on main street, or we could do like a community gun share program. I know Mr. Peter's owns a gun, so we could just shift that gun from house to house every week. Then after criminal shows up, he doesn't know if you've got the gun that week or not. That's a risk he wants to take. That's up to him. I'm a firm believer in this. I believe we should be taking money away from the police force and investing it into our communities at a grassroots level in order to stop the problems before they actually happen.

33:50And if you're from my town, you might say, Matt, we're already doing that. We got citizens on patrol. Okay, but we need to invest some actual cash and resources into it. Right now in my town, citizens on patrol is just a bunch of bored, middle-aged parents and senior citizens that have wandered into the orientation meeting by mistake. And they just cruise around town, their Dodge Grand Caravans armed with a cell phone and judgment. They're not even trained in intervention or de-escalation. They just call the cops. As soon as they see a teenager in the hoodie, that's their whole training. That's a 9-1-1 is a very long number in my town. Get to die a loud sample time. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Yes, hello, it's Susan. Yes, again, listen. I'm looking at a teenager right now. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

34:53Murder, probably. Murder or needle drugs, maybe. I don't know. Maybe needle drugs first and then murder. Maybe murder first and some needle drugs for dessert. I don't know what these sickos do. I just want you to get here and cough them. That's all I really care about. Do you guys still say cough them? I want you to cough them still. But I could cough them. I got Mr. Peter's gun. You give me the word. I'll cough them. I got one second. And one second. Kyle? Hang on, one second officer. Kyle, is that you? No, it's my nephew. Hang on. You're not supposed to be out this late. No, he doesn't do drugs. I don't know where you got that from. Ron Kyle! And it's a true story. My wife and I didn't always live in a small town. We spent a couple years near Toronto. It's probably the vibe you're picking up on. You're looking at me right now. This kid, he's seeing some stuff. Yeah. I've seen rush hour, you wouldn't believe.

35:54And here's how big of an optimist I am. I remember the first time I was caught in Toronto rush hour. This little prairie kid. I'm just sitting there like, it's gonna clear up right away! I remember looking in the car beside me and there was a woman driving while reading a book. It's at that point that I realized she knows something that I do not know. And here is no bookmark. She was gonna finish that book. People say, isn't there rush hour where you come from? No, there's not. The closest thing we have to rush hour on the prairies is if you drive towards a small town during the harvest. Because all the combines and tractors are just on the road for some reason. And they'll like pull over a little bit. But it's like, you're 40 feet wide, dude. That's helping nobody. And turn your bite off. You're making everyone nervous.

36:55What happened to Martha? She was harvested. No. She was so nice. She was so nice, but now she is delicious. Oh, right there, eh? That's the line we crossed right there. Really fictional Martha. It's fictionally harvested in a fictional joke. That was too much. Man, I haven't even gotten to my edgy material yet. So wait till you hear my really controversial opinions. Like, I don't think dogs are people. It wasn't gonna be a joke, but it will be now. People always counter that. I was, my dog's always a person. He can tell mine's sad and he likes my face. I mean, what people lick your face. It might not be a good argument. I can't shut my mind off. That's the problem. I can't stop it.

37:57My wife thought we needed a new bed because I don't sleep anymore. She said, we need a new bed. The guy tried to send me to memory foam. He was like, this is memory foam. You're having, let's forget this day of a happen foam. You got that? That's what's keeping me up at night. You got to wore the bed, fill it, bourbon. Give me a straw. I'll try that. I don't go gentle into that good night, my man. My buddy told me he should try meditation. I tried it, but I can't meditate. I'm too wound up. I don't think your mantra should be, look what you did. This is your thought. This is your thought. Happy now. Happy now. Happy now. That's the worst part of the day when I lay down and go to bed at night. That's when all the horses lined up for the anxiety derby. And they all race to worst case scenario. And every night peaceful mind is the long shot.

38:58Soon as my head hits the pillow. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful night for racing. Here at Catastrophe Downs. Where hope doesn't stand a chance. The flag is up and the roof. Peaceful mind stumbles out of the gate and is behind. We're going out to a quick lead and it's, did I take the garbage out? Did I take the garbage out? Followed on outside my wide as my shoulders still hurt. Rounding out the pack is damn. I forgot mom's birthday and Wally has, she not text me back. We'll be getting the first turn. It's how the hell am I going to pay for that? I'm going to pay for that. I thought Tuesday was garbage day. My shoulder really does hurt. Who the hell does she think she is? And peaceful mind is way back. Into the back stretch. We have a new leader. That's what I should have said. I have no idea what that money's going to come from.

39:59Hopefully, it'll be alright for another week. Mom will just have to forgive me and peaceful mind has no chance. And I thought turned down the stretch. They come. My shoulder is shut. I'm going to pay for that. I'm going to pay for that. I'm going to pay for that. Down the stretch. They come. My shoulder is shut. There's no way I can pay for that. And I can smell the garbage from here. My shoulder to garbage. My shoulder to garbage. My shoulder to garbage. At the wire. Thundering from out of nowhere. It's my wife really happy. I consider myself to be a pretty smart, intelligent, cerebral person.

40:59Like the kind of guy who knows at least three ways of saying that. And sometimes, though, I worry that maybe I'm just a high functioning idiot. Because I've thought some pretty dumb things for way too long. Like until my early 20s, I thought that Euthanasia had to do with young people in Asia. I was very confused. I was like, how could it be illegal when there are so many of that? But the same thing at a time, I also thought that there was a town in Florida that was called Concentrate. That produced 90% of the world's orange juice. I was just searching maps. Like the groves must be endless. Where is it? Sometimes I don't feel like a smart person because I only speak one language. You should speak more, I think. I feel like a sub-park Canadian because my French is Traymau.

42:04And it should be better. Because I went to school in French immersion for like eight years of my life. I lived in Montreal for a while. And after all that, my French is only good enough to understand cultural references. I can translate the title of the movie Shakulah very quickly. And I know that Pawn Jovi is actually French for good Jovi. Say what you want about the French without them kissing would just be two open mouths. I think I assume the French invented French kissing. Either that or it was just some guy kissing a girl and then he's like, I'm going to slip some tongue in. And then she was like, what are you doing? It's French.

43:04I want you guys to know that if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. That's not a thing I believe in. That's just a quote that some millennials will share on social media. And I don't know why. Because that's crazy logic, right? If you can't handle my worst, you don't deserve my best. That's like if a fire said to you, hey, you don't let me kill your family. Can't use me to cook. When I see someone post that, I'm like, I don't think I can handle you at your best. I think your best is posting that to Facebook to warn us about how insane you are. You can't give me to your loved ones unless I get to poison your dog.

44:05That's a bad slogan for chocolate. So why would you say that about your personality? And I feel bad because it's not that he's like, he's not even a boring guy to talk to. He's very conversationalist. He loves, he's very smart. He loves current events. He loves museums. Even on our honeymoon, like all he wanted, he wanted to go to a bunch of museums. And I felt so bad because he was in like nerd heaven. And I looked like the most bored hostage ever. Like I was just like, please don't make me learn anything else. I'm not gonna remember any of this. No, it's the pain. Poor guy. He's really smart, but that doesn't stop him from like occasionally.

45:05He'll say something incredibly stupid. And isn't that the best feeling in the world? Right, when the smart person in your life says something stupid, and you have that moment where you're like, you're wrong. What should I do with this power now? I'll tell you a story. So my husband is a musician and a singer. He's a phenomenal entertainer. I'm his biggest fan. I love watching him work. And he was telling me about a show that he did. And he goes, there was a girl there that was totally into me. And I'm not gonna lie, she was hot. But I didn't do anything. I was like, well, allow me to fetch you a purple heart, you soldier of monogamy. Yeah.

46:06They don't make them like you anymore, huh? In the line of booty, you did the right thing. What's crazy is that's not even the first time that's happened. I've had ex-boyfriends in the past that want like a gold star or like a pad on the back for doing the right thing in a situation, which is not how that works. Like I don't get to walk into a police station on a daily basis and be like, hey guys, guess what? I didn't break the law today. And I could have. But I didn't. You welcome. And then I walk out, row and play. Who was that brave woman? That's his brother's name. And I realized I'm a toxic. And don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those women that like things I'm flawless.

47:07I'm not one of those women that's like, I'm a princess. Well, let's I'm drunk. And I'm like, I don't have a princess. Yeah. Drunk me? Yeah. Drunk me is very much like, I'm princess. You should cry. The sober me is very rational. Here's the ultimate I'm soft, you know? All the guys I'm gonna lose them here right now. Sports. Not that into sports anymore. All right, some of you are with me. I'll get you. I'm glad you're with me. We could all three of us can go and hang out at Panera Brick. We can form a support group. We don't like sports. Sports. Total accident though, how I gave up on sports. Like before it was like, oh, you're not a dolphin fan.

48:08You don't exist. I used to be that guy, right? But I was watching the Super Bowl two years ago. I'm watching the Super Bowl. I'm having the time of my life. Go, right? But by accident, I hit previous channel on the remote. It jumped to a whole nother channel, right? And that's when I discovered this HGTV. You know, anybody else seen this delightful network? What a delightful network. That is. I missed the whole Super Bowl because I got caught up in America on the property brothers, flipper, flop, house hunters. I was yelling at the TV like it was a football game. Get the marble coloners. Not those cabinets. That's not going to add property value.

49:09What are we doing? What are we doing? Pick number two. It has a finished basement. Jesus Christ. I'm throwing stuff. I'm passionate about it. Then they hit me with their crown jewel. You've seen their crown jewel on HGTV. This Fixer Ruppers Show. Some of the women just had orgasms. You've seen this Fixer Ruppers Show. We're Joanne and Chip and Waco Texas. First of all, you could buy a house for $5. And Waco Texas. I'm pointing to Joanne and Chip, right? Joanne is an exotic looking. You don't know what she is, right? They have little mixed babies, which is beautiful. They're so excited to go having a baby in the farm.

50:09Baby! The goat is having a baby! They have a farm, ignoring a farm. And who's the leader of the pack? Chip Games. Which is this funny white guy that can fix anything. I swear to God, he makes me giggle every episode. Every episode. Get off that tree chip. You're going to break something. Every episode, man. I said, I got to do something to change this. I got to turn this around. I got to, I got to butcher up, you know? Got to butcher up. So I started making drastic changes in my life. First, no cat videos in the morning. No more cat videos. No more cat videos. When you watch cat videos in the morning, they make you joyful. You're happy the whole day. Hey! Right? No more. And strictly videos of people slapping other people.

51:09That's what I'm... No, I can't do that. I can't do that. I heard my feelings. Say, heart. Say, heart. I feel for everybody. I feel for the hand. I feel for the guy's face. It don't. Second choice. No more almond lattes. No more almond lattes. Changing that. Taking that out of the diet, right? The only sport that I'm really passionate about these days is baseball, specifically minor league baseball. If I'm being honest, it's partly snacks related. Okay. Snacks at minor league ball. So good. Your hometown bark here, Nat Bailey Stadium. They sell a three-foot hot dog. Three-foot hot dog. I know you hear me say it, but I need to know you're picturing it. The largest players in the NBA two and a quarter hot dog.

52:10The general admission grandstand seating at that park is maybe, maybe, maybe, it's a maybe two feet wide. So this hot dog is not even just a gastrointestinal decision. It is a social contract. A bud, hold the end of my dog. I have two fantasies for this hot dog. They're not weird. The first lady in the tramp situation. Two hearts one dog. We start at opposite ends of the hot dog. At first focused on the meal. But as we chew, a heat builds between us. As we get closer,

53:10our eyes lock. And we'll meet in the center for one perfect kiss. I dare say, I would rush it. RELISH IT. I am a professional company writer. Now, obviously, that fantasy relies on me meeting my one true love. So pretty far-fetched. A more attainable fantasy is I would like to make a shot for shot remake of the Britney Spears' Slave for You Music video.

54:15But in place of a python. Comically oversized hot dog. I need to know your picture. Because the way I grew up in my house, we stressed education. This is how much an injury is. If you are in here and you have a bachelor's degree, you have a bachelor's degree. Leave. Because an injury, a bachelor's degree is literally the equivalent of an honorable mention. They're like, I don't know. I'm really rough. My mom wouldn't even let me play with anybody who didn't make straight-as.

55:16Like, real talk. Some of you are like, my mom didn't need that. My mom came to me one day. She was like, come here, come here, come here. This Billy Boy. That's what I just got a lot of antindistries with. I'm in third grade, my. I've gone to the street sweet anyhow. What kind of grades does he make? I was like, I don't know. Go on, find out. Did you know how embarrassing that is? But I did do it. I just ran up on Billy doing recess. He was playing tether balls. I was like, hey, I can... I'm sorry. I have a question. It's going to sound really awkward. But what kind of grades do you make? He was like, I don't know. Bees and seas. But I'm doing really well in pee. I'm going to go make it.

56:21When I'm hoping, I'm hoping that when I get home, my mom won't do it. So I'm like, you know, you tiptoeing into the house, I open the door, and my mom, what did Billy say? Well, mom, Billy says that he makes... Look, bees and seas. Bees and warts. Even you can no longer play with Billy. No, mom, Billy is my friend. Billy is not your friend. Billy is a vagabond. You've got this man a whole vagabond, y'all. I don't know what that is. I'm eight years old looking at his like a video. Alright, so I got an offer to do a commencement speech at the University of Minnesota from wherein I get my degree and creative writing. I said to them, that's a terrible idea. But that is on you, I love money. And I thought about that, but you know what? I do have some advice to give. Okay, class of whatever here this is.

57:25You'll find it doesn't matter, okay? You guys, don't move to Los Angeles with the promise of a touring star trek show. Hook up on a one night stand with a Vulcan. He gives you an STD that you let go for so long that when you finally go to the Planned Parenthood in Hollywood, California, the doctor says, why did you let this get so bad? Don't do that! Don't send in your 1040 IRS forms with sorry, don't get it smiley face exclamation point. Okay, don't move into an apartment with a landlord allegedly except sex for rent and then not have money for rent. Turns out he was not interested, I just had to move out!

58:32Oh, there's so much here. So I asked the university, I said, hey, oh, cause I didn't mention it. What are we talking about in terms of Bitcoin? They said, no, it's an honor. And I googled, honor. And sometimes a honor comes with a paid honorarium. They said, no, I went to my business advisor who's my dear friend Jackie's 83 year old father, Mr. Elliott Cation. He's a former aluminum sighting salesman currently living at the VA Hospital on South Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I said, Mr. Cation, what do I do? He says, okay. You never say no without a number. That means if you're not even sure you want the job, put out some ridiculous, so let me never go ahead and be pouring your life. That way, out of you get a ton of money, or you don't have to do it.

59:35So let's remember that their initial peri was Zooch. I counter thrusted with 20 grand. Oh, I received the following email in response. Oh, you dirty little bird. You and your filthy feathered fat pants used to be a nice girl from Duluth, Minnesota, but now you're from LA with your eyes made of lead and steel. We're a non-profit. They didn't say that. They said, we'll get back to you, but I read between the lines. And I do know that schools are educational charities that I'm very happy. I just heard they had a successful fundraiser.

1:00:37I'm not sure if it was a bake sale, but they did raise $900 million for their new athletic facility. Presumably for the poets. Once the University of Minnesota tried to suggest that I could not get paid for the one thing that I paid them to teach me how to get paid to. And I tell you no, ma'am. They came back three days later with $10,000. I would have done it for $600,000 in hotel. Mr. Cation said, OK, now you say, well, split the difference. $15,000. And then you settle for $12,000. But the girl to the old country had done its work. And I went with $10,000. And then I ended up feeling so bad about myself that as a part of the speech I gave the money away to kids

1:01:39and the audience to pay down their student loans, sounds like a nice thing to do. That is the only way I'm able to do kind things. If it isn't public, and it is grandios! I am an atheist, but I am nothing if not ethically competitive. I got into a fight recently in a vegan cupcake shop in Brooklyn. Not my proudest moments. I walked in, I've been jogging, because I live in Brooklyn. It's the law. And I walked in, I said to the person behind the counter, I said, hi, can I have a cup of tap water please? And he said, we only sell cupcakes. And I said, my middle name is David. And he said, what? And I said, I'm sorry, I thought we were taking turns saying things

1:02:39that aren't relevant to the things that come before you. I do. I'll buy a cupcake, but I'd also like a glass of tap water. And he said, we only sell cupcakes. It's our philosophy. And I was like, I studied philosophy. It was very expensive. And no one ever mentioned cupcakes. And he said, we only sell cupcakes in cupcake products. So I suggest you leave if you're not interested in cupcake or cupcake products. And I said, what does a cupcake product? He said, well, we sell the tops in the bottom of the cupcakes individually. And we sell the frosting as a shot. We sell a deconstructed cupcake. And we sell different ingredients for a vegan cupcakes. And I said, what are the ingredients in a vegan cupcake? And he said, sugar. And I said, what else?

1:03:41And he said, flour. And I said, what else? And he leans over the counter and he raises the single eyebrow. And he just goes cupcakes. And I was like, what else, you were? Just cupcake. Have you ever been in a customer service situation and you feel yourself crossing the line from victim to absolute lunatic? I am standing. I am standing at a counter in a vegan cupcake place. And I am screaming, I'm not leaving you there until I get a glass of top water. And the manager came out, he's like, is there a problem? You bet, you're but there's a problem.

1:04:41You're employed. And he cuts me off and he goes, that's not an employee. And I was like, he doesn't work here. And he goes, he works here. But we don't call them employees. And then I was angry about a whole new thing. I'm so upset, I'm like, what are you calling? What are you calling? Nothing are in there, something like that. I worked at a can't see. No one ever affirmed me as like a chicken technician or anything. And the guy goes, sir, that's a brand-new ambassador. Yeah, like it was a position approved by Congress or something like that. That's a brand-new ambassador. I really saw cupcakes and cupcake components. So if you're not interested in that, I suggest you go.

1:05:45And I'm like, you don't have any water. And he went, no, we're on premises. I'm like, you have no water. He's like, we have no water. And I was like, you don't have water anywhere in the store. He's like, we have no water anywhere in this store. And very calmly, I was like, I don't like this whole place on fire. I want you to ride a plane with just cupcakes. The bachelor parties, oh my god. My friends are in their 40s. They're still having bachelor parties like they're in their 20s. It's kind of pathetic, right? Like honestly, I'd rather go to a bachelor at party. At this point, you know, it looks more peaceful. You see him on social media, the bachelor at party is like, oh, let's post more pictures. So everyone can see how much fun we're having, right? I went to a bachelor party a couple weeks ago. They were like, nobody posted any pictures.

1:06:47No one can see how much fun we're having. Different experience, you know? I went to a wedding last summer and the couple is already separated on their way to getting divorced. Yeah, I don't. And the thing is like, it happens, right? And it happens, but like they did everything wrong with this wedding, right? First of all, they invited way too many people, okay? Like my invitation was addressed to Mark Gerber or current resident. Too many people. And here's the thing, like I get it. If you're going to have an engagement party, you know, a bridal shower, a bachelor party, a bachelor at party, and here's the kicker, a destination wedding. Yeah, I'm sorry, but at that point, you need to stay married for at least 10 years. Right? You have to serve out your marriage.

1:07:50Because it's not just about you anymore at that point, right? And like people invested a lot of time and a lot of money into this relationship, you know? And I'm serious about this. Like I think that this should be enforced by law. And punishable with jail time. In the country where the destination wedding was. Which in this case, by the way, was Mexico. You're what they're going to say, we don't want to go. Yeah, well guess what? Neither did we. You guys were amazing. I'm Mark Gerber. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1:08:51Thank you so much. If it's not clear by now, I am a homosexual. I've been out of the closet for a while. I came out about when I was like a teenager. And I have to admit that coming out of the closet was a very disappointing time in my life coming out. Because my mother was totally fine with it. Because it's part of the gay experience to be shunned and disowned by your family and friends and society in general. But my mother was like so accepting. Like I came out of the closet. I was like, mom, I'm gay. She was like, oh my god, honey. Don't worry. I love you. Just be careful. You want to go shopping girl? Let's get some shoes. I don't make you feel better. It's like, whoa, ma. I'm going to need you to get mad at me. Like, shun me for a few days at least. Like, I need to suffer for my homosexuality, right? Am I right? Luckily my dad just owned me for life, right? I would be a messed up gay. Thanks dad. Dad gets it. I'm sorry.

1:09:59Or fine. Looking back though, I probably should have known. I should have known that my mom knew that I was gay. There were definitely some signs. Like, when I was a kid, when I was three years old for Halloween, she made me dress up as the pink care bearer. Do you guys remember the pink care bear? Remember? Yeah, the pink care bear special power is shooting rainbows out of its stomach. That is so gay. If that's your magic power, you're a homo. So simple, you guys. So simple. I've been doing a lot of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. You guys know Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Like, Joe Rogan talks about it a lot on his podcast, but it's still pretty cool, right? What it is is I show up to a gym in pajama pants and a bathrobe. And a much smaller, much fitter man also in pajama pants and a bathrobe. It tries to put his crotch right on my mouth for an hour. And I got to not let him. And that's the whole workout.

1:11:01It's exhausting. And just given my size and demeanor, I'm always partnered with the heavy weights, which I don't think that like body size and weight is the right way to partner people for fighting. You know, the coach is always like, okay, big guys over here, partner up, all right, blue belts and above over here. It should really be like, okay, everybody that's felt their father's love on this side of the gym. Partner up. I mean, one day I was training with this guy and he's huge and two into it. And he's just like, just like really going for it. And twice I had to be like, take it easy, right? Real it in. This is just for funsies. You know.

1:12:03And then finally, I'm just lying there on the mat, just like panting and sweating. And he walks up to my flat body and points down at me and goes, oh my god, you look really tired. Did you like have a hard day or something that shouldn't make you that tired? What's the matter? And from the floor, I just pointed up at him and I was like, how old are you? He goes, I'm 23. I was like, ah, there you go. I'm 43, right? I had a perfectly normal 43 year olds day. But an ordinary day for a 43 year old is the worst day of any 23 year olds entire life. It would crush you like a grick. Let's review what I did today, OK? I went to couples therapy with my girlfriend

1:13:03to discuss my abandonment issues after my divorce and the PTSD I got from testicular cancer. Then I came home and looked for a job for four hours. I mean, at this point, my laptop is just kind of like a slot machine where I'm just like, come on. New light, let's go. Big money. Really any amount of money. Let's go. Then I came to the gym to just get a workout and now you're here. I haven't seen my real friends in years. We catch up at each other's parents funerals, OK? That's how we hang. Honestly, you've been trying to put me in a chokehold for the past 45 minutes. And it is so nice to have just one clearly identifiable problem. I just want to run here and enjoy this. Give me this.

1:14:05Welcome. I know in the window, another couple holding hands, another color, red and green, red and green. Red and green, red and green. Red and green. Red and green, red and green,

1:15:10red and green. Red and green, red and green. Tiny pumpkins, fuzzy comfy socks Coffee table made out of driftwood A bubble-headed roof, paper-giddish girl A needle-point of a fox So random a quote from Lord of the Rings Incorrectly a trigger into Martin Luther King Is this heaven or am I not a woman? Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey

1:16:16Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Her favourite photo of her mom The caption says, I can't believe it It's been a decade since you've been gone Mama miss you, I'm just sitting with you in the front yard Still figuring out how to keep living without you It's got a little better but it's still hard Mama got a job, I love my own apartment Mama got a boyfriend and a crazy about it Her little girl didn't do too bad Mama loved who gave a hug and kissed to that A good, cheesy silence In heaven, this is what class of war Incredibly derivative political street art

1:17:17A dream catcher bought the burden outfitters A vintage neon sign Three little birds a couple of dogs A little refender from the person that she loves Is this heaven or am I not a woman? Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Why, for my, the white woman's answer grey Sorry, I didn't mean to start off on such a morbid note. Like, who wants to die? But society is crumbling.

1:18:20And a lot of people want to know why. You can actually Google why. And a lot of articles will come up.