X Minus One - Project Mastodon

0:00This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East. It's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East. It's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like, OK, hold on. I got a new favorite food. That's the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Cupid Mayon. Yeah, it's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it at the grocery store. And this mayo is different. Mm-hmm. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Cupid only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, chefs use it, restaurants use it, people who really care about flavor use it, put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. Cupid, the original Japanese mayonnaise. I'll stay tuned for X-1 on NBC.

1:07Countdown for Blastoft. X-5, 4, 3, 2, X-1, fire. Fire. Fire. From the far horizons of the unknown, come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you'll live in a million could be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine presents. Heck, heck, heck, heck, heck, heck, minus, minus, minus, minus, minus, minus, one, one, one, one, one.

2:08One, one, one, one. One, one, one, one. Tonight, project, Mastodon by Clifford D. Symmac. Mr. Secretary, A.I. present Mr. Hudson of... Mastodonia. A Mastodonia. Mr. Hudson, this is the Secretary of State. Honored sir. Now, as chief of protocol for the department, I have been doing... All right, Mr. Kingston, I have much time. I'm doing a meeting of a Senate Foreign Relations Committee at two. If you pass Mr. Hudson in, I'll assume everything is quite proper. Now then, Mr. Hudson, I understand you've been here several times seeking recognition for your country. Well, that's right. I had a hard time making your staff believe I was an earnest hand. Are you Mr. Hudson? Very much so. You are an American, Mr. Hudson. I assume you're acting as a representative for Mastodonia rather than as a principal in the matter.

3:10Oh, no, no, no. I claim dual citizenship, sir. I am a Mastodonian. You pardon me, but I've never heard of your country. Well, it's a new nation, but quite legitimate. A constitution, a democratic form of government, duly elected officials and a code of laws. We are a free, peace-loving people, and we are possessed of a vast amount of natural resources. Please tell me, Mr. Hudson, just where are you located? I gathered it with somewhere in Asia. Oh, no, no. Technically, you are our nearest neighbor. That's ridiculous. Now, look here, Hudson. You can't... If you'll give me just a moment, Mr. Secretary, I have considerable evidence. I'll have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry, sir. I... Go ahead, Mr. Hudson. You submitted a document signed by a certain Wesley Attable. He's our first president. You see, we'd like to establish diplomatic relations. After all, we are a sister republic. We'd like to negotiate a trade agreement, and, uh... Of course, we'd be grateful for assistance under the foreign aid program.

4:12Naturally. Who wouldn't? Mr. Secretary. All right, Kingston. We're prepared to offer something in return for a... One thing. Sanctuary. Sanctuary? I understand that in the present state of international tensions, a foolproof sanctuary is not something to be sneezed at. Hmm... All right, Kingston. I think we've had enough. Show Mr. Hudson out. All right, let's have the story again. Mr. Hudson, I don't want any trouble. Just tell the story again. You want to cooperate with the FBI, don't you? Oh, sure, sure I do. Sure, but I just don't want any trouble. All right, start over. You found the briefcase in the boot. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I brought my beer over from the bar, you know? And this fella just went out a minute before, so I figured he must have left it. I run after him. You didn't see him, though.

5:12No. So I... Well, I just kind of looked in the briefcase. You know what? I mean, to identify it. Then you came to us. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I mean, after all, when I saw that stuff, well... I just figured I was way over my head, you know? All right. Don't say anything about this. Do you understand? We'd rather you just forgot the whole thing. Oh, sure, sure. Listen, some things I don't want to remember. You know? Hello? Is this Dr. Harrison of the Paleontology Department? This is Mr. Jenkins at the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We have some movie film we'd like you to look over. Hmm? Oh, uh, we acquired it. Big shaggy elephants and tigers would teeth down to their neck. Now...

6:12Now it's not fakes. Our labs are sure of that. Whatever is on those films is real. Hmm? No, we don't know. That's why we called you. We haven't the slightest idea where those pictures were shot. We can't even guess. Oh, what the matter, Coop? Well, I was flying hypodermics. This is a fine, healthy spot. Askeet is as big as hummingbirds. Oh, careful, son. You're knocking the climate of the capital city of Macedonia. Yeah, some capital city. One palm tree and a boy scout pup pet. Where's this the wildest thing we ever did? What if Chetka and his family were not here?

7:13What if Chetka can't get back? Chet Hudson is a man of many parts. Have faith. Supposing they put him in jail or something might happen to the time unit or the helicopter. We should have gone along. Do you think they'll do it, Coop? Oh, why? The United States. Do you think they'll recognize us? Not if they know that Macedonia is the United States 50,000 years ago. Well, we have to get legal recognition first, otherwise it wouldn't be safe. Oh, there goes that messed it on again. Good old buster. Where is it? Right there. Over the groves, huh? No, he's lonely. What? Probably is. It must have been run out of the herd by some younger bull. So I hangs around like some homeless dog. One thing worries me, Wes. I know you dreamed up the time, you know, when you were in the community, and we were all chipped in for the helicopter,

8:13but can you just claim territory on your own like we did? Why not? We found it at the house. Hey, buster's coming this way. Give me the right. No, wait, wait, wait, maybe he's only bluffing. That Macedon comes through here, he'll stop everything flat. Are given three steps more. Oh, he's such a shame to plaster him. Isn't it a nice old monster? One more step and he gets it. Hey, let's chuck, he's back. I wish he could fly that helicopter better. Might wreck it. Well, anyway, he scared buster off. Hope those fires up, Wes. Oh, they're high enough, too. You don't want a saber tooth waltz and through here, do you? We better get a stockade up. You know, some night I heard a mastodon I'll come bustin' in here, and they ever hit the helicopter. We'd bet ducks. We never get back. We'd be stuck back here in the Pleistocene age. I won't feel safe till we get another helicopter. Those mastodons carry a lot of ivory,

9:14and the mammoth's up north. Oh, sure, sure, and get sucked in the jug for smuggling ivory. The only way to cash in on the time unit is to get diplomatic recognition for Macedonia. We've got a good case. You said so yourself. Well, a saber tooth? And by the grove. Hmm, I don't like that. Sounds closer. They poke up that fire, will you, Koop? Well, let's cluster. There he is. He's tangling with a saber tooth. We'll lay three to five on buster. Cat's drawn blood. I'll take five dollars of it. Come on, buster. Roll on him, will you? Cat's on his head now. Hey, hey, he's coming this way. Look out! Wes, turn him, shoot. Hey, cut it! Oh, no! He's dead? Yeah. The tiger's gone. He won't get fired.

10:15Yeah, they will wait. Oh, no. No! Yeah, good old buster. Trust him to drop dead right across the helicopter. We can fix it, Cowie. We probably won't even be able to roll buster off of it. The rotor blades are twisted and the frame is a mess. A total mess, gentlemen. We are in trouble. Mastodonia faces our crisis. Herb, herb, you're the key man in the administration. You swing a big stick on the hill. You can't give up on project mastodon now. Less, it's been 10 years. If they were coming back, they'd be here by now. Look, I've been working on this ever since we got those films. I traced their lives from the time they were born

11:15till the time they disappeared. Adams was the brains. The other two were quite capable of helping him carry it out. Hudson, new all the angle. Unless I've sneaked your appropriation through four times. Now there's a limit. But I've got the proof. This is Rick Burgess from the Rick Burgess show. I want to talk to you for a second about something most of us put on autopilot, car insurance. If you're just letting your policy auto renew year after year without shopping around, I'm telling you, you are probably throwing money away. Race change all the time and staying loyal to one company can end up costing you big time. That's why you need to go check out and verify. I went to insurify.com to test it out myself and I was blown away by how easy it is. In about two minutes, totally free, you can compare actual real-time quotes from over 100 top insurance companies all side by side in one place. No endless phone calls, no pushy sales pitches. Here's what I really love. Insurify doesn't just help you once and walk away. They actually keep monitoring your rates in the background and alert you whenever prices drop

12:15so you never miss out on a better deal down the road. Millions of drivers have already used insurify to stop overpaying and there's no reason you shouldn't do. Do yourself and your wallet a favor. Go see what you could save right now at insurify.com. That's insurify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East. That's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Okay, we've been talking about Cupid Mail for a minute now, Bowen. And wow, the feedback we're getting. I mean, so many of y'all love this stuff. You're stopping us in the street going, I love Cupid. And if you're thinking, wait, what is Cupid? Do you not have the internet? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise. The one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. Once you know what, you start seeing it everywhere. People ask what makes it different from basic mayo? Will the answer egg yolks? Cupid is made with egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Burgers, fries, sandwiches, chicken, noodles.

13:15Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really love food and flavor use it. Whatever you're eating, Cupid hit. So if you haven't tried Cupid yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand Cupid, the original Japanese mayonnaise. We've had every paleontologist in the country go over those films. They couldn't be faked. Who would know to put links tassels on the years of saber tooth tigers? Who would know that young mastodons were black? And the location, we tracked down Adam's farm just from landmarks in the prehistoric landscape of those films. We've got to contact them. Look, let's even assume it's all true. A planet has only a grand total of resources. If we get Adam's device... Time machine. If we exploit resources of prehistoric America, won't we be robbing ourselves of our own heritage? Look, Herb, I've been over all that with the AEC.

14:16There's a lot of lead in southwestern Wisconsin. If we go back far enough, we can catch it when it's uranium. The whole research project hasn't turned up a lead on Adam's machine. If it exists. We've got to keep watching that farm. They might return. We've got to keep looking for them no matter how long it takes. The AEC AEC AEC AEC AEC Listen, Wes, we can't stay around here much longer. Old busters getting a little too strong. Yeah, well, I'll have the time you need to turn the helicopter in a few minutes. Then we'll just have to move camp upwind. Look at him. He's only two days since he dropped dead. Bless his heart. Ready, those bouches are half-entlawed. You're having a quick clean inside of a week.

15:17Give me the hexagon. Wes, is it all right? The time unit? Well, we won't go until we try and cook. And then, of course, it's too late. It does, it doesn't. The problem is, how are we going to use it without the helicopter? Couldn't we take a chance on using it on the ground? No, we have to get up in the air. You don't want to take a chance of arriving in the 20th century, about six feet underground. Wait a minute, Wes, it's got to be higher here than in the 20th century. Look, these hills have stood here since the Jurassic era. They've got to be weathered down. The only safe way is to build a platform about... 12 feet high. That should be enough to clear this. But, suppose we'd come out in the other end, two feet higher. What do we fall? Which would you rather do? Take a chance on a broken leg or stay here? Okay, okay. Now, why don't we build a platform out of it? There you are, Wes. All right. Chuck, come to the next stone.

16:18Wait a minute, Wes. Hey, look out. You want a whole pile of cumbano? I'm sorry. Okay, Wes, hand it up. Yeah. That's about 12 feet, isn't it? Well, a lot of feet took this 10 days to pile it up. Look out, I'm coming down. All right, don't start an avalanche. Wow. But he soon will be able to start all of this. I'm going to go to the next stone. Wow. But he soon will be able to start all over again. Mm-hmm. If the unit works. Yeah, that is an all. We don't have any proof we've been back here. We'll be stone broke. Another helicopter costs $30,000. Can't walk into a bank and borrow $30 grand if I could short-trip to the stone age. Wes, where do you figure we are? I mean on a farm. Well, I think we're clear of the barn and the silo. I hope so. Well, I figured we're a straddle, that barbed wire fence at the south end of the orchard. Wow. He might as well give it a try. All right, I'll get the unit. You two climb up on top of the pyramid. Are you ready? I think I'll work, Wes. I don't know.

17:18That pretty well banged up when Buster hits the helicopter. I haven't got the equipment to check the waveforms. All right. Stand around close. Then Janese a little. Mike, you're ready. You ready? Take out a work, Wes. I don't know. That pretty well banged up when Buster hits the helicopter. I haven't got the equipment to check the waveforms. All right. Stand around close. It might be quite a rock. Go ahead. Push the button. Okay. One. Two. Three. Nothing. Doesn't work. Well, that's that. It's stuck. It's stuck. I'm sorry, Wes. There's nothing you can do, Herb. You've been out of government for five years. If there's anything I can do, the Board of Directors instructed me to offer you... No, thank you.

18:18What are you going to do? I mean, now that you're retired. I bought a farm in Wisconsin. You haven't given up, have you? I'm the only one. They closed Project Masterdown down three years ago. And they've been hending ever since that I'd be happier retired. Old Bowers. He's the crackpot from Project Masterdown. I'm sorry, Les, but it has been 20 years. Yes, yes, it has. But think of it. From a military point of view, hidden bases in enemy territory itself, centuries removed in time, yet only seconds away. If we had bases like that in shelters... Relax, Les, it's all over. Sure, sure, it's all over. Ah, missed. You should be more careful.

19:18We've only been stuck a month now. Some day we'll run out of ammo, and then it's bows and arrows. It's cold. I'll be snow-soaked. Coup, I'm worried about Wes. He takes it pretty hard. As long as he's tankin' on that time unit, he's happy. Oh, he isn't gonna repair their units. He hadn't got a chance. Back in the workshop, the tools, maybe. Well, anyway, the hunting's great. And maybe we better start saving bullets for big games. We won't be lords of creation around here long without our guns. If one of us gets sick or breaks a leg... Well, nobody lives forever. Wes is a lucky one. We've got that time unit to take her with. Come on. We better get back to camp. Hey. Hey. Hey, Wes.

20:19Come on. Wes! Wes! There's no sign of him. Wait, there's a note on the door. Wes! Never mind. Listen. Here, guys. I don't want to get your hopes up again and have you disappointed, but I think I may have found the trouble. I'm going to try it out. If it works, I'll be back to get you. Wes. What a fool! Had you and a cat work? He must be off his rocker. Wait a minute. Coup, look, that pyramid. It took us ten days to pile those stones up. It's gone. The pyramid of rocks. It's gone. No. Oh, what the? A wall of a confounded... Oh, what's going on out there? Rocks? Who dumped those rocks? My car. Who's out there? It's all right. Don't you move, Mr. I got a 45 pointed at you. Well, I can explain. Well, you better. There was a brand new car where you don't have to go.

21:21I'm going to try it out. I'm going to try it out. Well, you better. There was a brand new car where you dumped that load of rocks. Who the devil are you? My name is Wesley Adams. Adams. Adams. Adams. Man, where have you been all these years? Well, I don't suppose you believe me, but the fact is... I've been waiting for you for 25 years. The others all gave up. I'm sorry about your car. Never mind, I'll be right down. And now, don't touch your thing. Don't go anywhere. It can't be 25 years. It's only been a few months in Macedonia. Twenty-five years. Man, it's been a long wait. A unit. It's been badly calibrated. You see, it is an accurate for more than 50,000 years at a jump if the setting has moved. Well, we better call Washington. I imagine you'll want the same terms before. Terms? You'll recognize an economic aid from Macedonia, a defense pact.

22:24A listen, Adams. You've got those saps over a barrel. You can get anything you want now. A unit. I'll have to calibrate to the day to go back for them. Oh, don't worry about it. You can have every scientist in the country working on it now. Oh, you've got them right where you want them. Hello? A long distance. This is Major General Leslie Bowers retired. I want to put a call to the President of the United States. White House, Washington. You can tell them I'm placing the call for the President of the Republic of Macedonia. Come on, ox, on a fire. Put another log on. It's cold. It's good call storage for the first. Boy, when West gets back, we'll be millionaires. First, Jin Sang-Rud, Ivory. If he gets back, it's been five years.

23:24They'll come back. I feel it in my bones. Well, he better find it before we get too old to enjoy anything. Unfortunately, there's no social security in Macedonia. Don't you worry. West is working on it right now. I can feel it. Hello, Charlie. Some just came through on a ticker. I want you to get a background story on it. And we just recognize Master Donnie. What? How should I know where it is? Look it up in the encyclopedia. Not. The item says formal recognition was delayed five years until communication could be established. Certain technical difficulties. What? I don't know. Wherever it is, I don't see what difficulties could hold up five years. It stands the reason wherever the place is you could walk there in five years.

24:28Nah, nah, it's not important. You know these postage stamp countries? Monaco, Luxembourg, they're all alike. What's so different about Master Donnie? You have just heard X minus one, presented by the National Broadcasting Company in Cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine, which this month features the Theodore Sturgeon Novelet, the Skills of Zanadou. When a malignant world endangers another, surgery is the usual answer. But perhaps there's another solution to kill it with kindness. Galaxy Magazine on your new stand today. Tonight by transcription, X minus one has brought you Project Master Donne, a story from the pages of Galaxy written by Clifford D. Symmac and adapted for radio by Ernest Kenoy.

25:28Featured in the cast were Floyd Mack, Dick Hamilton, Charles Penman, Raymond Edward Johnson, Frank Maxwell, Robert Hastings, John Larkin, and Joseph Julian. Your answer is Jerry Damon. X minus one was directed by Daniel Sutter and is an NBC radio network production. Listen next week for the Murray-Linester story. If you was a motlin, a tale in which the child liked natives of a strange planet, full a real switch on a red-headed female witch, and everyone doubles in brass. That's next week on X minus one.