Why You Get ADDICTED To The Wrong Person w/ Gabby Bernstein

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3:11What is happening when someone pulls away and we feel ourselves get triggered and all of a sudden this person just becomes the most important person in the world to us. Well, for the result that I am a recovering codependent and anxious attachment style, so I am very, very clear about that behavior. I've lived that experience decades ago, but I've lived it. It is a part of us that's super activated. A young part that's a young exiled part of us that was abandoned didn't feel like we were getting the attention that we deserved didn't have the support from the caregiver that we really needed at that delicate young time. And that's the part that's triggered. But then the protection mechanism is go, fun, cling, make it happen, stay in the relationship, don't lose that connection because if you lose that connection in your mind, it's like death. There aren't versions of this for different people.

4:14So, you know, for some people, they won't even know or they won't have this sense that this trace is back. Right. So something from before, they're just like, no, no, no, this like, I really like this person. I've had an amazing date with this person like, this was the first great connection I've felt in a long time. So where this comes from for me is like, I just had such high hopes for this and all of a sudden those hopes are dashed. And, you know, so for them, it's like, their brain is telling them, no, no, no, it really is this person that I feel like I had an amazing connection with. Does it still go back to something else? I think there's a big difference between disappointment and a childhood trigger. The disappointment is we have experiences where we got really psyched about something. We thought it was going in the right direction. We felt that bond. Maybe you had sex and had all the oxytocin.

5:14Whatever was going on, there was bonding hormones. And then it, it, it doesn't work out and you're super disappointed. That's just life. Then there's the folks that have that core wound of not having the love, not having the attachment, feeling inadequate, unlovable, not safe because they didn't have it. And so what are they seeking in that bond and that connection is safety. So in that relationship ends or is wobbly, it's like, it's full terror. It's a full terror inside. And so then they will do whatever it takes to make that relationship come back. What are the signs when you're looking from the outside that someone has gone beyond being disappointed that someone is pulling away and instead has been like fully triggered by them pulling away? Oh, I can, whether it's something that they outwardly do or something that happens on the inside, but absolute, ruminating thoughts, just ruminating thoughts, constant waking up,

6:18just all day long, obsessive thoughts. You can't get through the day. You can't eat a meal. You can't be present with your friends. You're just all you can think about is how do I get that back or why aren't they calling or just not feeling complete until that text comes through? I live this. I can speak so authentically to this issue in complete terror truly. And it's just all consuming. Of course, behavioral things as well, right? So incessant texting or constantly talking to friends about it and just obsessing over it or maybe even doing strange things to try to get them back. But the behavior is an addictive pattern and it's looking for that relationship to complete an unhealed part. Can you tell us more about what it's trying to achieve? So in the case of the codependent who needs the relationship to feel complete, their core wound has this belief system that if I'm not in that relationship, I'm not safe.

7:25Not just I'm not good enough. I'm not safe. Even if because of course this can happen with people who have just had one great date with someone, right? It can be activated. It can be activated that quickly. It can be activated that quickly. And that person who has that anxious attachment style, they're visualizing in their head on that first date, walking down the aisle. They're packing their bags and ready to move in. That's that's that anxious attachment style. They're ready. They need that relationship. And one relationship ends and pick up the next one. It's that addictive. That relationship addiction is something that I think often people can overlook because it's not necessarily destroying your body or creating so much wreckage around you or sending you off to jail or maybe a can of times. But it's harder to see that as an addiction than it would be to see drug addiction or alcohol ism or something like that. Yeah, I mean, you can pass it off as I'm a romantic. You could, you could have lots of different excuses for it. Yeah. And you can have what feels like an extraordinary connection with someone very quickly.

8:29So I had a woman recently that I coached who was living in Paris. A guy came into town, tourist. They met, had this whirlwind romance for seven days. He left. They never talked about what it was going to be. She was too afraid to bring it up. He didn't mention it. They had very different intentions clearly for what this was. And as I described it, you know, she was looking for a relationship. He was looking for an experience. Yeah, that's right. And he left. And months later, she was really distraught and heartbroken and could not get her mind off of this guy. Now in her mind, her, she had obviously, you know, been through this incredible journey

9:32of what this could have been and what it should have been and why it wasn't it. And how could he have behaved that way if he didn't mean for it to be something more and, but it, it really tore her up. And she wouldn't have labeled that as this is my anxiety. Looking for safety, she would have looked at it as we had an amazing thing for those seven days that showed so much promise and we acted like a couple and we walked down the street holding hands. So what do you say to people who their brain gets stuck on? No, no, no, but you don't understand like, like we had something and that's the looping rumination that they go through. The way to undo the loop is to check in with the part of you that's in the loop. So the part of you that's in the loop isn't your adult self. It's a young part of you. It's a young wounded part of you that's looking for that love to feel complete, to feel

10:34safe, to feel good enough, to feel adequate. This is the part that three months later is still ruminating. It's fine, of course, a week later, you're disappointed, you're upset, but if this is going on and on and on, that's a young part. And so this is about getting into relationship with the part and about checking inside and becoming curious and compassionate and connected to that young part of you that is looking for safety in an external relationship. It's a part that's trying to protect you from the feelings of being in complete feelings of being unlovable or unsafe. So it's looking for that relationship, looking for that relationship. It's it's it's in terror in that moment. And so the work isn't to just try to convince yourself that it's, you know, get over it, move on. You know, these parts are young and they can't just move on. So what is the answer to that moment where you feel fully hijacked?

11:34A person is there, they're in that state. They're like watching this video now, like I cannot stop thinking about this person. I cannot get them off my mind. It is like every waking moment I'm just thinking about whether they're going to text me, whether it's going to pick up again. I want to help that person right now. I can help them right now. They're watching the press play. They're hijacked. There is a moment right now where they can check inside and focus their attention inward and notice that part of themselves is hijacked. And become curious about it and just ask some questions and notice where it is it live in my body and what do I know about it? How old is it? Are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations that might be attached to it? And once they have a little bit of a connection to that part, they can become compassionate

12:35and ask, what do you need? And listen, listen to the part. And then breathe into that space where it's living inside and just give it some presence and check in and see how do you feel. Do you feel a little bit more connected to it? Do you feel more curious? Do you want to know some more about it? Do you feel calmer? Do you feel clearer? Do you feel a little bit more courage? And even a molecule of that calmness or connection or creativity or compassion, even if a molecule is there, self is helping them. That self energy that was done inside is helping them. And so it's rinse and repeat. These are four steps. Choose to check in. So instead of checking out and texting, texting, texting or psycho calling or calling every friend or ruminating, that's checking out. You check in instead. And so you focus your attention inside. That's the first step. Curiosity is the second step.

13:36Becoming curious. Where does it live inside? What do I know about it? What do you want to tell me? And then compassion and connection, it's just asking, what do you need? And then the final step is check for those sea qualities of self. So you check in. Am I calm? Am I a little bit more confident? A little bit more courageous? A little bit more clear? Connected? Do I have some creative energy to have compassion towards this part of me? Any one of those sea qualities, if they show up, you've started healing. And you almost model out either from someone you've worked with or what you, you know, like a typical example, what some of those answers might look like to those questions. Yes, absolutely. So some of the answers, once you ask these parts like how old are you, they're like, well, I'm young, right? How long have you been around forever, right? If you ask for thoughts or images or sensations, you'll get images of, you know, you're dead leaving when you were two or whatever, you know, these moments and time.

14:37Maybe the first time around, you might be a little blocked and guarded. But if you really let yourself go through that journey, you can experience the simplicity of that subtle, we can give it to give it to them as a meditation, either at the end or I can give you an audio of it. And it's just getting yourself in connection and relationship with that young part of yourself. Because you are so, you've been overriding that young, that young, fearful part with the relationship, with the funning and clinging, with the needing, with the trying to feel complete with the, with that partner, that's a protection mechanism. And as soon as that protector part is, is disturbed, you get super triggered. So instead checking in with that young part is the practice. And then when you ask, what do you need, it'll often say like, I need to rest or I need to, to play or I need to just dance or I need to just cry. Needs to let it out.

15:37And you know, often that part needs to know that, that they're not alone, that we have them. Like that. That's the whole practice. So once they feel that calmness or that connection, what it's sending a message to that part, hey, self help is here. Help is here itself. It's your higher self for the capital S. It's here. And once you start to get into relationship that self to part relationship where that young part and side sorts to trust that there's self help, that there's self there, then it can feel less and less triggered. Because you're not looking for that saviour from the outside. Yes. And I'll quote my mentor Dick Schwartz, who founded IFS and he said, you are the one you've been waiting for. And this internal family systems is based on the premise that we have an inner family of young little parts running around freaking out all the time. That that idea of you're the one you've been waiting for is so powerful and so beautiful.

16:38And you know, that is the antidote to so many of these situations where we have nominated this person who we've either had one great date with or, you know, a great year with in the role of our saviour of the person who's going to just take care of things, take care of us, make all of our fears and anxieties go away. And so when it feels like they're going away, it feels like we're just naked in the dark again. That's right. What do you say to people who say, I struggle with that because I really, like one of my great life goals is to find love. Like this is something I've always wanted. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Even if it's alone with a very compassionate self, I still want to meet someone. And therefore when I'm in my dating life and I get another disappointment and someone

17:44pulls away, that's where the, like, almost a freak out comes for me is that I'm worried I'm never going to meet anyone or I'm going to run out of time to have a family or, you know, all of these big goals that people have, some of which have a real clock on them. What could you say to those people who feel like they get triggered for those reasons when someone pulls away? I can say with full conviction that if they make their highest priority, the relationship with that part to the self-energy and create and establish a real inner knowing that there is a presence inside of you that can help you heal, then their relationship will be there. Then you getting into relationship with you creates a frequency inside of safety. It creates a frequency of confidence, encourage and creative energy and calmness and that exact

18:44magnetic energy that is what attracts. As long as you stay out of alignment with that healing, you will keep repeating the same pattern over and over and be, however many decades later, in the same situation. It's black and white. So for people who achieve that level of safety and comfort within themselves, do you firmly believe there's just somebody for everybody? I believe that when we heal the core wounds inside of ourselves, we become a magnet for all of the things that we desire. I really believe that. May not always be the way we expected or when we expected or who we expected, but we create and attract what we believe. If we can update these little people inside of us to believe their own worthiness, to believe their value, to believe their confidence and their creativity, then their entire life will change.

19:46But if we don't, then we will absolutely stay in the same patterns. That version of us is going to be attracted to something different, most likely, than we've been attracted to. Definitely. In the past. Definitely. And the part of the pattern we can find ourselves in is we're attracting people who pull away or we, none of us are immune to finding ourselves in a situation where someone can pull away. Like we could be the most confident person in the world. Anything can happen. Anything can happen. But one of two things is true. I do believe this. You'll either be attracted to and attract a different kind of person who's less likely to pull away. Or when someone does pull away, they will immediately become less interesting to you, not more interesting to you. Absolutely. I think, yes, yes. So number one, when you heal and you change your point of attraction, you're not a match

20:48for the old vibration. So if you're healing that anxious attachment style, you're no longer going to be a match for the person who's going to just say, bye, go overnight, just drop the bag and say, go. You're not going to be a match for you anymore. You're now going to start to be more of a match for the opposite. Also to your point, if you start to sniff that old behavior, it's just not, you're not even interested. It's not even on your radar. But I think even more than that, you're just not going to see it. It's not going to be available for you anymore. In the context of everything you're saying, how does, how does what you're saying relate to situations where maybe people are continuously drawn to people who have certain shiny qualities? They're charismatic or they're wealthy or they're successful or they have a certain amount of status or, you know, cache a popularity in their community or whatever it may be. There's something outwardly impressive and they're focusing on those things and achieve

21:49attaining someone who has those things as a means of feeling worthy. Yeah, I think you just said it. They're trying to attract that type of partner to feel good about themselves, thinking that the person that they're in connection and relationship to is a reflection of who they are. That could happen not just in romantic relationships, but even in friendships, right? You could be looking for friends who have lots of status or whatever it might be. That seeking for that person to define you is another form of trying to feel complete with another person. I believe that whatever our core wounds are, will look for the match to fill that wound. What happens when we start to heal the wound and we will be more likely to find healed humans because we're no longer trying to attract someone to that that's a match for trying to complete us. So the other thing can happen in relationship as well. Let's say you're both together in a relationship and you're both acting out your own wounded parts, but you're both doing the work.

22:52You can find that wholeness together. If one's doing the work, the other one's not, then they're going to be over here and it's not going to work. It's just a matter of connection and what are you doing. But specifically to answer the question around, those of us that might be seeking someone that has a certain status, a certain amount of money, a certain amount of gravitas, it's looking for some sense of value in being in relationship to somebody else. That can be true of looks too, right? Not to use saying to people who say, I'm not looking for this person because it makes me feel worthy. I'm looking for this person because I think they're hot. I think they're super attractive. I'm attracted to attractive people, successful people, sexy people. A very common thing I hear from people is like, yeah, but I don't feel chemistry with

23:53many people. I really feel that chemistry. When I do it, it's with this hot, attractive individual. How can I help that? I think that chemistry is necessary. For some folks, it may just be energetic. Some folks, it might be appearance-based or some folks, it might be intellectual. It's all forms of chemistry. I think that it's okay to be unapologetic about what turns you on. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If there's something that's in the way, if you're like, I can't find anybody because I have to look exactly this way or they have to be this exact status or whatever it might be, then you're actually blocking an opportunity. I agree with that. I also think that when we're so fixated on the story that we need these things in a certain form, we miss the fact that someone can come along who doesn't look how we thought they'd

24:56look and actually when we are present with them, we have a really surprising amount of chemistry. They're impressive qualities come in a more nuanced form or a quieter form than some of the things we've been talking about. You realize, wow, this is a silent rock star. I hadn't given credit to these kinds of people before. But you can't... Don't miss the miracle. You can't find that if you're not quite enough inside to be present with who's in front of you. Yes, and that brings us to people have their list of who do I want to attract into my life. The list is fine, but if it's too rigid and it's not loose and let go, then you could be trying to attract someone who's six foot five and they've got this much money in the bank and all these specific things. The guy that you really were meant to be with is right around the corner and you don't even see him because he's five foot eleven or whatever.

26:00You're just missing the miracle. What do you say to people who are so afraid of rejection that when they look at their past and the way they go into dating, they would describe their response to rejection not as like, out of that hurt, but as I'm genuinely triggered into an emotional tailspin. Yeah, I don't think it's any different than the person who is emotionally triggered when the person leaves or the relationship ends. They're all parts. They're all young little people. That's just another form of a protection mechanism. It's there for a different but similar reason. It's there because they, again, maybe a parent left and maybe they never felt loved. Maybe they didn't get the care that they needed. There's a lot of different reasons why maybe they were rejected at a young age in some way and that feeling of rejection at that very ripe young age and with no one there to

27:07care for them and help them process that, left them in terror. Anytime rejection or the possibility of it gets activated, they're going to run for the hills or they're going to fall apart or they're going to turn to the drink and the drug or whatever they're going to do to anesthetize that fear. When you turn to that part and you say, what do you need, what are some of the common things that you hear in response to that? What might, for people trying to picture themselves doing that exercise, to give an example, what might be a thing that part says in that particular situation? It's always different, Matthew. It's always surprising. It's always different and it's always surprising because it's lots of different little children and they all have different needs. But what do they need? They may still be so blended with the part that they're like, I just need to keep it together, I need to love. But really what they all need, all these young parts of us, they just need love.

28:12They all just need love. And the first energy of love that they really need is our own self-love. So if that's the case, what does the practical articulation of that love look like? For people listening who go, so do I say something? Something to myself? Is it something I do for myself? What does it, if I couldn't intuit or listen to that part and it says some version of, I need love, what can we do? I'm working right now very actively with a young part of myself that's very activated because of some family of origin stuff that got kicked up. And so I'm really aware and mindful of that part and conscious of it. And so one thing I'm doing as a way of extending love to her, and I call it a herb, but some people, their parts may not have a gender, they may be the opposite, gender doesn't matter. I'm not going to gender people's parts, but mine's my own girls. And I feel this young little girl inside and instead of trying to just push past it or

29:16live life or just move on, I'm in communication with her. I'm having dialogue with her. I'm even speaking for her and representing her. So for example, the other night I was really triggered, she was really triggered, and I went on to the kitchen and I was very anxious and I was like, what's wrong? And instead of just being like, I'm fine and fine or just like, blow him off or get mad at him, I was like, my young part is super triggered right now and I'm just going to speak for her and just let you know that I'm just going through this with this stuff with my family and I'm just working through it. And in couples therapy, I would speak like that as well and say, okay, I just want everybody therapist, my husband, I want to speak for the part. She's having a hard time right now and I'm just being patient with her and trying to help her out. That is an extraordinary act of love and self love because it's saying, okay, I recognize that there's a triggered activated young part of me. I'm not going to override her. I'm not going to push past it. I'm not going to dismiss it or deny it.

30:18I'm just going to acknowledge. It's present. We got to get to therapy. I just got a new 12 step sponsor today. I called my old sponsor and because this little girl is activated, right? So I can help her. My adult resource self can get her the help that she needs and that comes in the form of me, self help, checking in and it comes in the form of me, self, my self energy, my adult resource energy, getting that therapy session booked and calling my old 12 step sponsor and saying, hey, I've been thinking about you and I really want you to be my sponsor again. And she was so overjoyed and it makes me really emotional. She was just like, yeah, I'm going to be there for you whenever you need me. And that is just everything to me that I can. And if I wasn't paying attention to her, I wouldn't have called Erica. No, I wouldn't have called her. This beautiful idea of I get to have her back and I get to be her advocate. I get to be her, the expression of her voice in the world because those parts of us don't

31:22have a voice unless we give them a way or the material activation of their world. Their voices are screaming out and really childlike ways, right? So they're super activated at work and they're super activated in the relationship and they're super activated on the street when somebody doesn't smile at them the right way. And they're acting out for those people who they go back in search of what this part is and where it originated. And they're just like, I can't, I don't know. Like some people, some people might be like, I had a good childhood, I had a good family, I was loved. I don't know why I give so much of a shit about rejection. I don't know why I care so much what people think. I don't know. Like, I can't point to you don't need to know. You don't need to know. If you do those four steps, the four step check-in, it's called the self-help check-in because it's accessing these qualities of self-energy to bring those qualities to the part. So curiosity, compassion, calmness.

32:24So the first step check, choose to check-in, second step curiosity, third step compassion and the fourth step check for the self, check for those C qualities. These four steps, they are designed to just give you information and to get you into relationship. But they're not designed to force you to start to try to uncover old wounds or trauma moments or it may come up. But this is a self-help practice. It's not one-on-one therapy. So you really let come up whatever is safe to come up. But if it doesn't feel safe or if you feel blocked or you're dissociated from a memory or you just don't want to go there, don't. And if someone is like, you say to that part, like, how old are you? How long have you been there? If someone's like, I can't even, I don't even know. That's fine. You can just check in with the feeling inside. What's the feeling? What's my breath pattern? Just be curious. And then you still can go to that question of what do you need? Yeah.

33:25And the more you do this, the more is revealed because the more you do it, the more self-energy you begin to access and the more self-energy you begin to access, the more self-trust you have. Let's talk about love addiction. How does someone know that they are a love addict versus someone who just really wants to find a mate? Love was my first drug, so I know a lot about it. I think that when the definition of addiction is, is it unmanageable? Has your life become unmanageable? And are you powerless over in the case of alcohol or drugs, the substance, but are you powerless over the relationship? And so unmanageability looks like you can't get through a family dinner without checking your phone a thousand times to see if they text you back. Or unmanageability looks like you stay up until 3 o'clock in the morning on the app, trying to find that partner and you can't get up the next morning. Unmanageability looks like you ditch all your friends just because that person calls

34:26and she's like, hey, I'm leaving dinner because I got to go to this guy. That's unmanageability. Powerlessness looks like you literally can't. It cannot function without the partner. Powerlessness looks like they call and you're instantly there, no matter how negative they are to you in your life. You just keep going back. So the addiction is always going to represent some form of energy that is super attached, super fear-based and powerless. Do you say to people who feel that their anxiety comes from a genuine rational sense that I am running out of time for my big life goal of having kids? I would say if it's a belief that's not a core wound that doesn't require a huge amount of deep dive inside, I would say really do everything that you can to begin to reprocess

35:30that thought because our thoughts create things. My other mentor, Dr. Wayne Dyer, says, change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. As soon as you start to reprogram that belief to something that you do believe in but is different, then you'll begin to change your point of attraction. So if you're in that story of it's too late, I'm too old, I'm not good enough, they're not going to be there or whatever that story is, you're going to create that period full stop end of story. The second that you start to pivot and you start to reach for the next best feeling thought, oh well I know that Gabby's mom, I can tell you a story right now that person, my mom was in her late 50s when she met her husband on match.com, second marriage, right? These stories happen all the time. Look for evidence of what it is that you desire and you will begin to believe that you can have that too. When you're consistently looking for evidence of what you don't want, you're going to create it.

36:30Are you an advocate for people who are reaching an age where their fertility is no longer going to support having a child in let's say five years or four years? Freeze your eggs. Right away. If you can, hopefully you can, hopefully you can afford to, hopefully you still have eggs to freeze. If you can't, guess what? Your baby has another plan for coming in in a different way. There's, I am a spiritual teacher, I truly believe that our souls choose us and they choose how they want to come in. They might want to come in through a different egg. They might want to come in through a surrogate. They might want to come in as a adopted child. They want to come to us but they may not come in the form that we think. If you feel the call to be apparent then you will be and there's many ways. This is off subject from what we were going to talk about today but I'm just curious on your answer to this.

37:30For people who feel like they are just destined to be apparent, they can't imagine not being apparent in their life and I work with many, many people like this who just cannot imagine a life where they are never apparent. Obviously I work with a lot of women who can't imagine a life where they are never a mother. Are you a big proponent of women doing it by themselves as a single parent? That is a priority for them. Absolutely. What do you say to people who are afraid of what that entails? For the first time in my life coming to month nine of parenthood, I have some sense of how difficult that would be. We make certain choices in life based on our priorities. You're also apparent. What do you say to those people who are afraid of what it will entail and how hard it will

38:34be but they also can't envision a life where they're not that? I have a lot of friends actually who have done that and very successfully. It's just extraordinary. Was it easy? No. Did they need extra support from family, from friends, from siblings that might be really active? Yeah, they did. Hopefully if there's a desire you have, hopefully you have people in your life that can support you. Is it expensive? Yes. These are all true things. These are all truths. If that's a desire, it can be fulfilled. I've seen it time and time again. There's a person out there who can hear them and they're like, I can't afford to buy a sperm or I can't. There's lots of scenario I can't do. IVF or I would just say pray for God to show you where your baby is and how it can come to you. I had a woman recently who had been through many rounds of IVF, hadn't worked.

39:38She had the money to continue, but she didn't know if at a certain point she was not accepting that her body was not able to have a child in that way. She didn't, the question she had for me was, should I give up or should I keep trying? If she's watching, I would say buy an egg. There's donor eggs. Many of my friends have done that and their children are their children. One of my very closest friends has a little boy who, same scenario, tried and tried and tried and tried and her body wasn't going to do it. She was 46 years old. She bought a donor egg and made a baby with her husband's sperm and this child is her dream child. She would never have it any other way, any other way.

40:42She's so grateful every single day that her eggs did not perform because this is her child. This has been an amazing conversation. Where can people find you and what you do? What I'm most excited about right now is this fun thing I'm doing on YouTube. I'm doing a show, my podcast called Dear Gabby, but I've got these new episodes called Dear Guides where I sit with other psychic mediums and together we channel on topics that are personal development topics and we call in spirit while we're in the podcast dialogue. It's really cool. Very cool. So if you're interested in spiritual principles and personal development, obviously, then that would be a cool show for people to check out. What's the show called? Well, the channel's Gabrielle Bernstein, but it's called Dear Guides. And it's on that channel. Okay. Amazing. Gabby, thanks. So appreciate you being here. Thank you so much for listening everybody. Before you go, make sure you go and grab your place on the retreat immersion experience.

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