Whitmer Thomas is Still Cool

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1:00of hearty vites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com. Wave. Or if I feel sad or upset, I don't say anything about it. And somebody be like, are you okay? And I'll be like, what would Jack Nicholson have to say about that? Even though I'm blind in that moment, I'm like, dead-estated. Right. How you doing? I'm doing okay. Yeah? Yeah, I took a nightkill and smoked a weed CBD thing to go to sleep last night. And so I do feel kind of like fucked up. I thought you were going to say before this, just to level out. Right before I walked in here, I took some nightkill and smoked a CBD thing. I used to do it every time I got into an airplane. And then I was like, why do I feel depressed and awful all the time?

2:01It's just like 18 to 21. Yeah. I didn't get into weed at all until I was like 27. And then maybe like a year into that, I started trying to do the edible on a plane thing. It happened to maybe three flights. And that first time that I was highway, I didn't like and trapped in the air. I said, we won't be doing this anymore. Yeah. Because you can't do anything. You're just fucking sitting there like tweaking and it's like, I don't want this. You're stuck and paranoid. Yeah. I was just doing the nightkill on the plane back then and I didn't smoke weed. I smoked weed the first time when I was maybe 25. And it wasn't smoked. It was like, tincture, oil, whatever that shit is. Have you ever seen that? Yeah. And I was on my birthday and a girl that I had a crush on, like squeezed it onto my tongue and I didn't feel anything after one minute. And I was like, I don't think it's working. And then she did it again and I was high for three days. Three days. Whatever happened. And that's Nancy Pelosi. That girl. That girl was Nancy Pelosi.

3:02Best sex in my life. Yeah. Only. That's, are you serious? That's really beautiful. Nancy, only doing, yeah, she said it's the only way she gets off. Yeah. I really love that. I really love that. She does the kneel afterwards. Yeah. Her little famous kneel. She puts on the like, the cultural guard that she's not supposed to be wearing. But it's all different. What people don't know is it's all different kinds of cultural guard that she's not supposed to wear. Like she has a head, Indian head dress, a Native American head dress. Yeah. She's got all the stuff. She'll put a dot right here. She'll do it all. Yeah. That's why she's a fucking freak. It's fun. She's so fun. God, I love that girl. I haven't hooked up with her in years. What? I know. It sucks. She's got so busy with working everything. And Pust just says she grow older. People grow apart. They do grow apart. Do you know what I mean? Like it just sucks. She and I, we used to have so much in common. But then it's like she's in Congress. I'm a comedian. It just said, yeah, sucks. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Last time I saw I was at the wax a hat she show.

4:03And she likes their old stuff. So she was kind of bummed. She's like a big PSLE, if man. And the other only put, she was only playing like Tiger's Blood and Stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And she makes it Nancy like two weeks ago, because they announced they're not going to do Bonarue next year. And I knew she, I was like, she'll be in the dumps because she fucking loves Bonarue. And so I texted her and I was like, hey, I heard about Bonarue. Like, I hope you're okay. She didn't text back, which is fine. But yeah, just sucks because we used to go to Bonarue like every year. Man. And do. What do you think of that? How I just clunked out on the improv towards the end there. You can think of anything. It was completely beautiful. And what the good thing about that bit is it was dead seven seconds into it. And we decided to go ahead and keep her running. That's what it was like whenever I did improv. I tried for like a year and I would just stand on the back line and I would look at all the other improvisers and be like, they probably got something better than me. And then I'd just keep standing back there. Y'all got it, y'all got it.

5:03And then I'd see an opening for me to tell a long story. Yeah. Well, here's where I jump in. I love that. I don't know what was I like as an improviser, Jans. You were very smart and very tactful, but also would you think like randomly get extremely physical. Yeah, that's true. I would start throwing people. Yeah, well that's because a window at one time. Yeah, that was mostly when I'm with straight guys doing improv. I know what you guys like. You guys like to be thrown around a little bit. You like it to be like that. And so I would do that when I was with the girls, of course, I would like to tone it down. But we had an improv team for a while, Chance and I and two of our buddies from college. And it was their all straight guys and me. So I would just, if I got bored with some dialogue they were doing, I would just initiate a fight team. And that was beautiful. And Gabby Boy joined that team eventually. So then Gabby was in there and then Gabby and I would do like, we would do like grounded emotional scenes together. And then the boys would like sweep it and be like, whatever the fuck.

6:07And Gabby and I would sit on the side and say, God, which there was more girls and gay guys here. And then eventually there was right then eventually there were more girls and gay guys. Yeah, in improvisation. I just had we asher, we recorded with Asher Perlman yesterday and we started talking about improv and he was like, everyone just turned the episode off. And I was like, yeah, I met Asher in Chicago in 2015 doing, I was doing stand up up whatever that old comedy club was up up. I think it was what it was called. Above second city. Oh, the up, yeah, yeah, yeah, the up. Is it called the up room? The up comedy club. Yeah. And then I did the story, the monologue at the end, Asher was so funny. Asher's a good kid. It's a good kid. Got a bright future. Good head on his shoulders. But people did just turn the podcast off right? Yeah, for sure. We don't care. Up comedy club. Oh my gosh, what you're in New York right now? How's it been going? It's good. I always say when I'm here that I don't ever know where I am or how to get anywhere. Where am I?

7:09Like in New York, if this was LA, the studio would be like on the corner. I think head gum in LA is like the most convenient, conveniently located podcast. It's like sunset and I period. Yeah, where everybody is. Whereas this is in some weird warehouse and you take an elevator that doesn't really work. There's boxes everywhere. And it's kind of scary. And I think they I shot something here once. See we like that. We think that we think that grit is very charming. It is charming. We like that. It's cool. We think it's nice that our guests are scared and confused when they arrive. It throws them off kilter and allows us to get a more honest interview. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, everything is confusing here. So I just kind of accept the confusion. Do you have a live in New York? Not really. A lot of people think I did or think I started here just because all my friends are from here. Most of the comics that I started with don't do it anymore in LA. It was like peak 2012 nerd comedy. Yeah. Like the meltdown and shit. Yeah, meltdown is great.

8:09But it was like, yeah, everything looked like every poster looked like Nintendo or you know, that time period, like that millennial, like didn't age well. They're like cats with lasers coming out of their house. Oh, shit. Yeah. And I think all those people killed themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, we have to laugh, but it is 100% true. The truly most of being in comedy is just reading memorials. It truly. Just getting online and being someone being like, I know, like when we were in the back room of the chuckle fuckers, yeah, in Indiana, I knew this guy was going to be somebody. Never really panned out, but God rest his soul. It's just, it's like every fucking day you get on Instagram, you're like new memorial, new memorial. Well, the difference between comics and musicians, I've noticed is musicians complain about wanting to kill themselves all the time. And then comics will, you'll have like the best night of your life with them and then they'll go home and kill themselves. Musicians are all talk, comics do it.

9:09Comics commit to the bit. Yeah. Yeah. It's, God, it's, it's so fucking true. You truly will not know a single thing was wrong. And then it'll just be like, oh, yeah, memorial posts. Call from their mom, fuck. Damn. Sorry. It's what it's like. Well, you want me, I admit me, I can talk seriously about it, it wouldn't change it. It's really so, I mean, yeah, I don't think I'll ever do it, but there was a real window. Oh, absolutely. There's a time when I'd be driving to a show going, now they're sold out show, there's a gun next, man. Put it in the mouth. Dreams coming true. Oh, that tree looks like it could hold a noose. It could hold my car at 90 miles an hour and it could go away. Well, that's not a great thing to hear just because before we started recording, you told me you're going through a midlife crisis. So I'm, I'm worried about my friend with a little bit. I am. Yeah, I'm just kind of at this period where I'm like playing out every possible scenario. Like, like where I go, oh, man, I should get a Subaru outback.

10:14That's reliable. Then I go, well, what if I buy it right now and then one year from now, I see a red convertible where the top comes down and then I'm in a financial crisis because, you know, I mean, putting all those stupid little things out. Also, like I've become fully embarrassed of being a skateboarder. Really? Yeah, I'm like completely ashamed of myself. I can't tell you how cool and hot it is that you're a skateboarder. That's the consensus. I think everyone thinks people who ride skateboards are cool and hot. Really? Yeah, 100% get old. Yeah, 100%. I'm head shaking back here. Everyone's fucking bricked up thinking about the idea of it. It's cool and hot. If you saw me in New York City, skating around from show to spot to spot, carolines, the seller, you know, how comics do. Yeah. The way you're always at carolines and the seller. Yeah. Yeah. With a skateboard under my arm. To me, I'm like, that's excruciating. That's embarrassing. But I can't tell you how cool that would be.

11:14We would all like that. I'm and I speak for the general public here. That is very cool. What I worry about you, of course, your bones are getting a little brittle. You're, I mean, you got to be real careful on that thing. Oh, yeah. But I don't think it's uncool. I think it's deeply cool. Maybe I'm just feeling self-conscious because I just did a, my new comedy special. I talk about skateboarding and somebody in the, like I saw a letter box. My dad won't stop sin. My whole family sends me letter box reviews and they don't understand that, like, how it works and a lot of them are bad reviews. Yeah. Or not bad reviews. They'll say something like, I didn't really like it, but I think it's cool that he likes his friends or something like that. And my dad will send it and be like, so nice that they think he, like, they think it's great that you like your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're touching me. They miss the bad part though. Yeah, you miss the part where they paint my work that I love. And one of those reviews says he seems sort of immature and it's weird that he's still skateboarding.

12:15And that's all I've focused on. That's mostly nice stuff on there, but that's all I think about. It's like, damn, I am getting old. You can see it. And I skateboard and, yeah, my bones hurt. And I still, I'm like, I'm doing this thing now where I try not to dress like the kids skating. Yeah. Because I feel like, no, I need to look a little bit more grown up. I can't, because all the kids now are wearing like Von Dutch hats and true religion genes and Ed Hardy shirts. Like that's become popular in the skate world. And I'm just like, I'm not doing that too old for that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny. The two first things that came up in your midlife crisis were both just mood, like modes of transportation. You're like, do I get the Subaru? Do I get the convertible? Am I allowed to skateboard? It seems to be a lot of anxiety about getting around. Well, it's that. And I think it's also about wanting to be wanted, like wanting people to be like, oh, that's a, that's a guy or whatever. And as you get older, it's like, I don't know, man. It's like, I don't fucking know.

13:18I don't know what I'm saying. But yeah, it's you want to be wanted. Do you feel wanted? Because I perceive you as very wanted. You. Yeah. I go, when I see, when you pop up in my phone or when you come around, I go, everyone's excited to see you. People love you. People love your work. Think you're a great artist. Like this is the genuine perception. Perception that I hold of you, what I think of you. I think you're a great artist and somebody that I want around. And then also I, that's generally all that's ever said about you. It's good, nice things. Do you feel that? It's nice. Now I don't feel that. Um, it's because you're reading the fucking letterbox review. I'm not reading. I had to say like, hey, I don't read reviews. I don't look at this stuff. So please stop sending. And now they make fun of me and they keep sending them. And go a little bird told me. You know, like, read and they say. You should have an old Whitmer. That's what I want to see these. Well, too bad. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, I think, you know, I, I, I'm like, I don't know how I'm perceived. This is something I've been talking about in therapy. Where my, I'll like explain everything I just said to you and my therapist would be like,

14:21even like people really like you and I go, oh yeah, I guess I wouldn't have even been invited to do that thing if they didn't like like me or whatever. But maybe it's just like feeling like kind of like a, you know, every time I talk about this, I look back on it and I go, wait, no, they liked me for sure. Like I was such an idiot when I was a kid and couldn't figure out like if a girl liked me. And then as a adult, I was like, man, I always had a, yeah, I've like encountered these women and I'd be like, man, and, and fuck junior year I had such a crush on you. And I just didn't know what to do. And she, the woman to be like, yeah, I remember I would sneak in through your window, take my clothes off and get into your bed and you wouldn't touch me. Yeah, fuck, okay. Yeah, I guess that would have been a sign in some way. Yeah. Damn. It's funny. The thing you were saying about like your family sending you stuff. I had a, I was up late last night really like it was like three in the morning that I was writing this email. I've been putting off forever. I have this movie coming out.

15:21This is about my dad passing and it's extremely fictionalized. There's a lot of things that are not true to what happened or true to my feelings. For different reasons, like it just made sense that the second act needed this conflict moment or well, you know, it's fucking filmmaking. But I've been putting off writing this email to my family to like, to all of them to say, like, hey, this is going to come out soon. People are going to have reviews of it. It's they're going to say things in the reviews that might not feel like what you experienced when dad died. Like basically just like level setting and being like, I'm used to this because it's my job. But you guys are going to experience a level of this that like you might not be used to. And I finally wrote the email last night and sent it. And my aunt was very, very funny and like one of my favorite people in the whole world. My aunt Ashley responded to the email like first thing this morning. And was like, she said a bunch of sweet stuff and like helped me contextualize it for everybody. And then she was like, also, I hope it's not a big deal. I sold a bunch of pictures of you to TMZ. And I was like, it made me feel way better because I was, I'm really anxious about, I think

16:23I didn't maybe do the best job when when I put out my special and I talked a lot about my dad. I don't know that I did the best job of like helping my family process the way that people were going to because they'll see stuff online and get excited and they'll be like, that's Caleb. And then they'll read the comments and it'll be like, I'm talking about, I'll say like, oh, my dad was a nightmare or something. I'm being half serious because he was a very complicated person. But also I'm being like silly and loving in the way that like my dad and I would like rib each other. Like he would think that was funny. And people were in the comments are being like, like, you know, God to have a dad like that would be fucking horrible. The guy sounds like an abuser or something like shit like that. And then my grandma's reading that shit and being like, it just is like really not fair to them because they didn't choose this life. And I did. And so anyway, I was the reviews thing is so interesting because I'm like, I wonder how much of that stuff they see. When they go, the reviews kind of go one way or the other where they'll say like, you're exploring your traumatic relationship with your dad or something or they'll go, he's

17:24able to make light of the passing of his eccentric father or something. And yeah, I would prefer they see that kind of thing. I mean, I'm dealing with the same thing. Like my first special dealt a lot. It was all about my mom and I like really roasted the hell out of my family and in order for me to kind of like feel comfortable doing that. I like involved them in it and I would like to do the interviews with them. But even that, like it's totally me paying homage to my mom and how inspiring and beautiful she was, but she like was also a total problem. And that was like out in Alabama and had some family thing and this lady came up to me and she's like, Hey, do you remember me? We met when you're a preteen and I stayed with you and your mom with my daughter who's your age. And I think like I watched your special and I thought that it was awful to your mom and

18:28that you painted her to be like a real monster. She was like, Oh, fuck, like nobody has ever said that to me. And then she goes, I go, well, that's not how I see it. And she goes, by the way, I thought whenever I brought my daughter to stay with us at your house, when you're a kid that you had a crush on her and you might ask her out, but you didn't. This is fucking insane. And I was like, I was in eighth grade. We were talking about it. And she goes, Are you gay? And I go, I'm coming around on her. I was like, no. And she goes, Okay, well then it's weird you didn't ask my. I was like, what is this? It's almost like she wanted to be mean to me because I didn't ask her daughter out when I was in eighth grade. Yeah. And the first part of it, the stuff about the mom, I'm like, obviously I'm not on her side. But her being like, if you didn't ask my daughter out your gay, of course I'm coming around.

19:29I do, I'm ending up in a place where I think she might be a legend. But that's fucking psychotic. She's insane. But I do love like 20 years later being like 30 years later, being like not asking my daughter out was pretty gay. And looking back, her daughter, I remember her daughter and I thought about her daughter a lot growing up because she had a hole under her pocket in her jeans and I was staring at it all day. Like I was walking behind her going, God, what would be like to just like feel what that skin under her pocket is like. Like I was truly thinking about it non-stop. You had it like in a crush way or like, yeah, okay, yeah, you were really in trouble. I wanted to know. I thought it was very brave and sexy of her to have a hole under her pocket. I told her that too. I was like, listen, lady, in eighth grade I wanted to fuck the hell out of your daughter. I wanted to stick my dick through that little hole and grind her out. I want to fuck your daughter's jeans, okay? Yeah. I was really in her jeans. Yeah. I should have said that looking back. We were at a church, but still. We couldn't do it at church.

20:30Yeah. Dude, that is so fucking funny. I don't, yeah, I don't want to see anything. I think God, my family doesn't send me anything because I don't want to, I don't want to know anything. I don't really want to know any opinions of my work unless it's nice because there's nothing I can do now. I put it out. I liked it. I clearly believed in it. I worked really hard on it. And it's like, it does me, I give like three people in my life permission to read the bad stuff and relay in nicer terms, anything to me that could be constructive. Like, if there's something to learn about my work that they're like, oh, like, he does this a lot and it doesn't help the story or whatever. If there's something constructive, you can take the mean stuff and filter it through the way you love me, filter and then give me the good notes. But other than that, I don't ever want to see something bad about something I made. It does mean no good. Yeah. I try to avoid it totally. Sometimes I agree with it, like you're saying. Totally. Like, oh, he, you know, the first five minutes was not super strong. And I'm like, yep, you're right. Felt that or it, he talks about his childhood too much and it's like, all right, kind of got nothing else, but yeah, you're right. You know, he talks about his childhood too much.

21:32The biggest thing that happens to anybody ever. Yeah. That's, I don't agree with shit like that. I think that's like, it also is like, yeah, a lot of commentary from people who don't make anything. I go, okay, well, what would you talk about for an hour? When someone pays you to talk? Yeah, you make something a little ho. I legitimately feel that way. I don't think. And then there's like professional critics that I'm like, yeah, okay, you kind of nailed that. The second act was whatever or this that. But the idea of like, I shouldn't talk too much about my childhood is like, I'm the artist. I talk about whatever I want to talk about and you either watch it or don't. Yeah, turn it off. Go away. It like, especially with my shit, it's like, okay, I think if you can power through the first five minutes, which has a four minute song that isn't funny. I just like music. Yeah, then you're probably might enjoy the rest of it. And I think I'm so curious to see like the click off rate, like they do on Instagram. You can see like when people skip it or whatever.

22:33I wish they had that on HBO. Maybe they do because I guarantee three minutes in people are just like, I fuck this. No more song. Yeah, get rid of the songs. And I meant to post something saying like, when the songs start, you can look at your phone. That was for me. Songs are just for me. Go ahead and check Instagram. Email your boss back. Yeah. Oh my God. Well, wait, earlier, we didn't really get to the, I did want to ask you about the middle of crisis thing. What do you think is actually going on? Is there a concern that you have right now about life that's like in the forefront? You're like, oh, I'm, I must be my time the right way or I'm worried that things are going to turn out to, is there a thing? I think that my life right now is, is better than it's ever been. Yeah. And that I, because of that, like it's made me a little bit selfish. And like I am like caught up in my own career and all that shit. And I've like started to realize that there's so many other things that I have like, you

23:39know, mental health wise and all that health wise in general that I've sort of been neglecting. And it's stressful for me to think like, oh, it's time for me to tackle those things, you know? And, you know, like I just, I'm 38, both my parents are addicts and alcoholics, mom drinker's up to that. And I just now started going to Alan on meetings and things like I feel like, and I feel like I'm on the other side of all this now where I've had some perspective. But the midlife crisis thing I think comes from finally having like a career and comedy and a little bit in music and like as a filmmaker and actor and, and it's like, okay, I got everything I want. And there's no, I, it's like I used to daydream about the future. And now I think like, oh, all these, some of these dreams have come true.

24:42And now I'm like stuck thinking about the past and things I could have changed or maybe taking care of or acted differently about. And yeah. Yeah, I think that's just kind of it. And so I'm like, and it's also the thing of like wanting to be seen as kind of young and cool and kind of knowing like that's over, but also I don't know if I actually care about that. Like the other night I went to Echo Park Rising and saw a friend's band playing. I was like, what am I doing here? I don't want to fucking be doing this. Give me an L out of here. Yeah. Even when I was like 25, I lived in a big party mansion with 10 roommates and we'd have these crazy parties. And I'd be like, I just want to be in bed watching South Park. Like I've never had that instinct. And so now I think at like 38, I go, oh, I didn't do any, I didn't even start drinking

25:43to us 30. So like I was like, I didn't do any of that. So maybe I need to do that before I turn 40. But then I'll have two margaritas and I'll be like hung over for three weeks. You know, maybe that's not what I need to be doing. Is it the, is it that you want to be perceived as somebody who does those things that you want to be like perceived as the like a cool young guy who drinks margaritas and isn't hung over for three weeks? Yeah, I think I'm desperate to be perceived as cool. And I'll often. Dude, you are. Thank you. I'm just telling you, I've got really good news for you. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that is an illness and we're going to have to fix it. And the good news is it's working. People think you're very cool. Thank you, Caleb. So that's the silver lining in the whole deal. Now we do still have to fix it. But I'm doing the work, man. I believe you. And I think my thoughts are special in my feelings. And then I go to like these meetings and I go, oh, these aren't special thoughts at all. Everybody feels this way. And it's it is cathartic, you know, but I, I, and people think it's so fucking lame.

26:46Like I did this. I have a joke about how badly I want to feel cool. And so I'm like, I like think a little too much about my clothes or how far away my pants are from my shoes, which is like a skateboarder thought. And then I did like this interview and the LA Times and the headline says like, Whitmer Thomas doesn't care about being cool or something like that. And then it's the coolest looking photo of me of all time. And I'm like, this doesn't, it's like selling. Doesn't track. Yeah. And now I understand why like most photos of comics are like them with like the mic in their mouth or like, yeah, going like, or I remember when we were taking the key art for my, for my special, they asked me, I was like being a team player for most of it. Even though I hate that shit, they asked me to wrap myself in the mic and like, yeah. I was like tied up by it. And I was like, I have drawn a line. We're done. The photo shoot is over. Yeah. No, I think it sounds like maybe you've had, I maybe you don't relate to this, but it

27:50sounds like maybe the blinders were on for a little bit. And there was a bunch of stuff out in the periphery that wasn't able to be dealt with because you were focused on, um, yeah, like work and life and other big things. And now they're off because you've had some comfort. Exactly. It's, it's, it's people say money doesn't buy happiness, but I, I've spent until now trying to figure out how to pay my rent my whole life. So that's all I've been thinking about is how do I survive for the next month? And it's good. Like to everybody out there who's like an artist who's struggling, just know that like, that's what you need. And that's so good because it keeps you present. And then as soon as you can pay rent, and it's like you can pay rent for a couple years, you are like forced to reckon with your sadness. Finally, because you can finally think about like your, your own, uh, feelings without having to, like, I don't have time to be depressed. I got to figure out how to get $1,200.

28:51Yeah. And then suddenly you've got all the time in the world and you're just like, oh, I got all these problems. So it does like, it provides, um, comfort, but then in that comfort, you're like, ah, shit, I'm all fucked up. And I didn't know because I didn't have any money. Yeah. I was talking to a friend recently, went to dinner and she, you know, very, very successful, very like has a ton of money. It was Nancy Pelosi. It was Nancy Pelosi. We, I was, uh, well, I don't want to say what we were doing, but let's just say we weren't face to face. No one was talking to this friend and she was, um, she was on Broadway recently for the first time. It was like her life long dream. And she was like telling me like, oh, I'm a little fucked up right now because Broadway didn't fix everything and I legitimately thought it would. And I was like, really? You really, you really like, you genuinely, like, are you saying that because that's a thing to say or are you really telling me you genuinely held a belief that being on

29:51Broadway was going to like make you feel like everything was fixed? And she was like, I really thought that. And I was like, oh, wow. I've, I actually didn't hold any of those beliefs. And I feel grateful for that because I have had a lot of dreams come true. And I feel grateful that I didn't think any of it was going to fix anything with me, but that would be really fucked up. And I think that is part of sometimes people getting their big dreams is going like, well, fuck what now? I think I've got like 60 years left. Yeah. Everything up until now was about this. And now this has happened. What, uh, what, what do I do? Yeah, it makes me feel really bad for people whose dream is to be on SNL and then they get it at 28 and then they get fired in a year. Yeah. It's like shit. Fuck. It is, I am thinking like what now and I, and I also think I'm like in this, this cyclone of, of going like, how do I, uh, make my future perfect to where there's never a problem? Yeah. And it's impossible. But that's like a, you know, that's something.

30:52But I'm working on it. I told my therapist the other day, ideally, I would never experience pain. And she was like, right. So do we need to know? I was like, no, no, I'm just saying, like, ideally, it would not happen. How can we numb yet? Yeah. Yeah. No, that's really real. I mean, it's like the, I don't know. It's a kind of interesting like, I don't want to say it's an American thing. I guess I don't know if that's true. But like so many people spend their whole lives sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing for the idea that they're going to turn 65 and retire and then do whatever they want. I think that's so backwards and so scary to me that I'm like, first of all, you might never get to that age. That's kind of all you do and you're tired and traveling is really fucking hard and you can't walk like as long, like not like 65 year olds can't walk. But like, you have pain in your knees and shit and like, I don't know, the idea of like building this perfect future that might arrive someday and that like all your decisions are playing perfectly into this is like, it's a thing we do and it's also really scary and unrealistic to me.

31:54Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, now it's totally like now I'm, I'm in this mode of going like, okay, there's no way to have a perfect future with no hiccups. But I'm trying now to figure out how to like confront these things whenever they happen in a way that actually is healthy instead of avoiding conflict or apologizing even though I'm the one who just got hit by a car, which is like a problem. And so that's kind of that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. Hopefully it'll, it'll work out. If not, I'm happy to go back to Nancy and see if she'll take me back. You should have me back. Baby girl outside, outside with a big radio outside Congress. Yeah. Playing on a song. This is my fight song. By it's long. Dude, that's on bangs. Fall is the season of doing the most.

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37:05Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Or take off unwind in the Admiral's Club lounge with curated self-serve offerings of party vites and refreshments. In flight stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com. Yeah, I think it is all going to work out. But I also think, you know, like this is like life isn't some far away future where we have figured everything out. Life is actually like what's happening right now and figuring these things out and having these problems. And like, yeah, like our lives are this. Our lives are like being like, how fuck? I think now I think I got to work on my insecurities or now I think I got to work on my relationship. Or there was like a two-year period where I finally got health insurance that like every three months I had to go to the dentist. We were on like a plan to fix my teeth because they were so I had cavities and shit that

38:07I hadn't dealt with. And so there were like two years where my life was like pretty much about going to the dentist. I was a fucking nightmare. It hurts so bad. I hated it. It costs a ton of money even with insurance. And I just had to be like, yeah, life is not about two years from now when the teeth are fixed. Life is about going to the dentist for a little while and that fucking sucks. In some ways, but in other ways, it just has to be funny because there's nothing else to do. Yeah. Well, that's it. It works so hard you finally get health insurance and you just, you get to go to the dentist. Yeah. What a treat. And yeah, I got it. I don't know. Well, when do you think you're happiest? What are your happiest moments? I think right now looking back my happiest moments are when I'm dead broke. Yeah. And I remember when I was a kid or not a kid, I was pretty much a kid. I was 22, I think. I got somehow was ended up in a room with Norm McDonald. I was probably a year into doing stand up and I was sitting in a chair in someone's office.

39:09And it was like a lazy boy and he goes, hey man, he didn't even introduce himself to me or vice versa. And just first thing he said to me, he was like, hey man, you sitting that chair long enough, you'll become one of the funniest people alive. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he says he was like, that's Chris Farley's chair. And I immediately I was like, who? Like trying not to cry. And I introduced myself to him and he's like, are you a comic? And I was like, yeah, he's like, how long? A year and he goes, I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is the best time of your whole life. Why? Why? Because I know you're broke and you don't feel funny. You'll look back and realize that this is the most important time of your life. And just to keep trying. And I do look back and I don't know if it was the best time of my life, but I think the joy that I felt, I wasn't jaded and I was broke and just trying so hard across the

40:17board. And now being able, like we were talking about, being able to pay rent and all that shit, it really does help. But I always think back to that conversation and there's always goals in a career. And I think everybody will feel like unsuccessful in a lot of ways, but just reminding myself to try as hard as I can just because I guess that's what he said. So it's always in my brain and his little voice. But I'd say those are the happiest times for me looking back and just going, oh, I'm dead broke. And but now you have to make other happy times. Is it possible? Do you think that you're not nostalgic for being broke so much as missing being 22? I don't know, man. I think my life started to make sense. Maybe the most joy and happiness I ever felt was when I was like 30 and I kind of figured out who I was a little bit. What kind of comic I wanted to be and had this whole new world of friends and had finally

41:19felt like I belonged in some scene. And I've always felt kind of like an outsider. And that was the first time I didn't. So maybe that's the happiest time of my life. Maybe it was a year ago. I don't know. Yeah. I think with perspective looking back now, there's all kinds of the happiest moments of my life. But there's something so innocent about me. 22. When I was a new comic, people would talk about just for laughs, new faces. And they everybody be talking shit about like that fucker got in there and stuff. And it's like this prestigious, I don't even know it's still around where like if you get picked to be one of the five people, like agents start calling and all that stuff. And I would be like, why are these comics so upset and jealous? Everybody's so bitter and mean. I'm never going to be like that. And then three months later, I'm the most like, cynical like trying to think what's

42:21fucking John early doing in there? Like my friend, like my friend who I also think is one of the funniest people on the planet. What's he got that I don't have? People I love would like jump in front of a train for and I'm suddenly like this fucker. So yeah, try not to be like that anymore. That's interesting. But also like my peers, like I'm so lucky to be a part of this killer scene, you know, like everybody's kind of crushing it. I don't really have any friends or people in my orbit who I think are successful or who are successful who I'm like, they don't deserve that. Nobody? Not one? Let's say that maybe there's something in my orbit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a orbit but not circle. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I just try not to think about anybody. Like I try not to think about anybody career wise too much because I'm like, it doesn't,

43:24it all has so much to, I don't know, it's also up to like choice and fate and chance. Like I feel like, I don't know, I don't even know what to think of it. Like I'm like the point of it really, I'm trying to spend as much time getting back to what you're talking about of like when I was, yeah, just starting out and everything felt new and fun and exciting and big and I'm trying to like, like even like I was feeling embarrassed recently actually because I posted, I had a suspicion. I basically I felt that my movie at TIFF, there's only three screenings of it, the theaters, you know, all those seats are smaller than a room I would play in Toronto normally. So I had a suspicion that they would sell out without me trying. I didn't have to post about it or anything. But I wanted to post because I'm excited and I'm proud and I want to build excitement for in case the movie goes on to go to theaters, right? And in posting about it, I was feeling like embarrassed almost. I was like, what if, what if people in the film industry who know that these always sell out, see me posting about this and think I'm like, I don't know that and I'm like, and

44:27I'm like immature or silly and I was just like, who fucking cares? Like, yeah, this is exciting. The fact that any person would ever spend a dime or an hour wanting to see something that you made is like something that I would have killed for when I started and I couldn't get anyone to watch my stuff or pay for a ticket when I started. And so now I'm like, I don't ever want to take that for granted. I want to be excited about that. I don't, I want to be like excited and proud and like talk about how proud I am that my screenings sold out because it means that people are going to see my thing and I don't want to feel stupid or immature for doing that because those feelings are things that only come with like time and becoming jaded and being in this for too long that you get around to other people who are like, oh yeah, it'll sell however many tickets or whatever. And I'm like, well, no, that's actually not like a throwaway fact. I don't want to, I have felt that way and I don't want to feel that way. I want to be like every single ticket, every single person who sees your thing matters and is like exciting and something to be proud of.

45:28Do you know what I mean? Yeah, man. And people, what's weird, what's tough is like a lot of those people in that audience, you're their favorite comedian. And it's like, it's a weird thing to like realize, you know? And if your favorite comedian came wherever you're from and did a screening and you didn't know about it because they never said anything about it, it'd be a bummer. Or people want to celebrate you and get excited by the thing that you made because it's for them. I mean, it's for you too, but you're making this stuff for other people to laugh at or to enjoy and hopefully find some sort of, especially like the subject matter of your movie, some sort of solace or comfort and watching it. And I, you know, it's one thing if it's like, I don't know, I just think that if you're proud of something, celebrate it. And also when it's something that's a little bit vulnerable, absolutely celebrate it. You're not playing a character.

46:29You're not, you're comedic persona isn't like a character, you know, where maybe then the mystery is okay because you don't really want to let people in. You don't want people to actually know that you have six kids. Yeah, that's for musicians. The mysterious persona thing is for musicians. Some of my musician friends that have one on my, God, that's good. That must be awesome. My job is actually saying everything I've ever thought forever. Yeah, it's way worse. It's like I always wonder that when I release like a new album or something because I'm people know everything about me to where when people listen to a song they go, I already knew about that. Like that, that line, oh yeah, I'm happy he said that out loud. I heard him say that on a podcast one time. Yeah, I just, I mostly mean like I just want to, I want to maintain a new to this, not even maintain because I, there have been times where I've lost it. I will say like a year or two ago, I think I was in a way different place with all this where like I was getting a little jaded and I was getting a little like, I wasn't, I

47:30don't know that I was ungrateful but I wasn't practicing enough gratitude. Do you know what I'm saying? Like ungrateful feels so like actively being like this is stupid to me, but practicing gratitude is like even a different thing than being grateful. Like ungrateful and grateful, I feel like put them in like states of being and practicing gratitude is like this thing that you do. And I'm trying really hard to practice gratitude for things that feel like guaranteed now or like even like, oh, I'm going to pay my rent next month. That is a guarantee now for at least the next couple months, you know what I mean? But I'm trying to like every time the rent comes to you be like, oh my god, I paid my rent this month. Yeah. Or I'm trying to like, when I go pop in on a show and people know who I am even though I wasn't on the bill, I'm trying to be like, we've stayed and be like, holy shit, like people know that I do this. Maintaining that thing from when I was 22 and living it with a bunch of people and starting out, just trying to keep that because I think losing that is so sad. Yeah.

48:30And also the other thing that I can't stand with some people who are jaded is thinking that they're the funniest person on the bill or that they don't even really have to have fun with it to go and do a spot on one of these shows. I think that I'm the kind of the exact same way. I was watching Geese live and they're these younger guys, you know, and they're performing into front of thousands of people and it's new for them, you know, this kind of success. And I just wanted so badly for Cameron Winter and he's like, cool, you know, very cool to go like, well, holy cow, I can't believe you all about tickets to see me. Doesn't really talk in between songs. Just like, what the heck? Please visit the mark truth. I don't ever want to lose that if I ever play in front of that many people. I don't want that to go away. Yeah. And it echoes back to being like 15 years old and my big brother, like coming to see my

49:33band or me opening for his band and going like, hey, pal, really tell him to go buy your EP because I think, you know, people should listen to it. And I was too embarrassed even then. I was like, I got to be cool. I shouldn't tell people that. And then I, you know, I did. And I still tell people to do that. Like go visit the merch booth, even though it's like people are going to go to the merch booth. No, but that's nice. I think that is good. What do you think? I've been thinking a little bit lately about what I think my stuff is about. Like, I'm like, what? Well, I was thinking about it the other day actually. Did you know, did you ever read or know about Windelberry? It seems like somebody you would love. He was a Southern guy. He was a writer, poet. He was an environmentalist. And he passed away the other day. It was like 90 something. I was always sad about it because I love him. And I love his writing. And I love the way he writes about the world. And if I had to sum up a bunch of his work, I would say like he wrote once that maybe I maybe wrote this like the 60s or 70s or something. And he was like, the next great divide will be between people who want to live like

50:35machines and people who want to live like creatures. And that's kind of like what a lot of his work is about is the natural world and how far we are from that and what industrialization is doing to our planet. But I was thinking about what his work is about. And I was like, what's my work about? And I thought about a couple things. But what do you think he was about? I want to change this. I think so much of it is about abandonment and trying to preserve and prepare or I guess prepare myself from being abandoned. Like every joke is kind of protecting that or trying to get people to like me so they don't leave me or finding new specials all about my friends who have sort of protected me over the years when I especially in my childhood. And it's something that I'd like to kind of ditch and move on to the next thing and stop

51:39making that my entire identity. It's especially with my first comedy special where it caused a lot of a big complex when I would after that came out in 2020 and I didn't get to tour for a couple years. But then when I finally did, people come up to me after my show and be like, oh, you're silly. Like I thought this was going to be like a one-man show, like serious. And so I had this whole complex like, I need to prove to people that I'm not just like a kind of a walking husk of like comedic trauma. And then this new one is all about, you know, how lucky I was to have friends during my childhood and who kind of took care of me. But I think a lot of everything I'm kind of going through, maybe my midlife crisis is preventing myself from being abandoned or abandoning someone. I'm like, oh, it's inevitable that that will happen.

52:42And now I'm like, that's not who I am actually. Like I've gone this far and that hasn't happened. So like, I'm kind of trying to move on from that and think about jokes that are present. Like an actual joke about how I feel right now and not looking back at some sort of thing or thinking about the future in some sort of way and just being like, I like sitting on a bidet because it's fucking me in the ass. You know? That good present stuff. Where we're at right now. Never knew about that when I was a kid, but now I know the power of the bidet. Yeah, that makes sense to me. I mean, it's like narrative building the way we feed into our own narratives, the way we take on the narratives that people have given to us about who we should be the way that like a life in like creativity, like inherently lends itself to other people handing you back narratives about yourself. And then if you're lucky at a higher and higher volume, that people are just constantly handing you back the narrative they've built a view.

53:44And you're supposed to like partially take it in but also partially resist it. Yeah, the narratives that we have about ourselves are so like powerful and pervasive. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always kind of trying to think of like a way to stop doing that. You know, and just like, well, why do I feel sad? Or maybe if I did this differently or kind of creating some sort of narrative. And then also, there's a lot of like psychopaths out there who will like construct a narrative that justifies their bad personality. Yeah. And I get worried a lot of times like, oh, I have these problems because this happened to me when I was a kid. Or you know, the way I talked to you earlier, I did that because when I was a kid, you know, whatever happened. I got to tell you, the when I was a kid or my parents XYZ explanation for like very present recent behaviors, I don't know, man. It's one thing to say this informs the way that I see the world.

54:44And like, of course, our childhoods are the biggest thing that happened to us. But there is a certain point where you have to like take responsibility and start working. I've had friends in acquaintances that have behaved so badly and just continuously over and over again be like, wow, I had a really bad childhood and I go, so did a lot of people. Yeah. Grow up. Like get over it. Like, I don't know what to tell you, but at a certain point, you can't just walk around being mean and hurtful to people. I think what I'm really trying to say is like, it's one thing when you're looking at the way it affects you and your feelings in your world. We all should be doing that. But when you're like using it as an excuse to treat other people badly after like, I don't know, 23 years old, it's a certain point where it's just like, I don't know, man, you're going to have to figure that out or get away from me. Yeah. Yeah. There's two other options. Yeah. That's totally right. Yeah. I think it's not necessarily that I mean or anything. I think it's more I'm the opposite where if there is, if somebody's an asshole, I don't say anything. I just kind of like let it happen or if I feel sad or upset, I don't say anything about

55:49it. And somebody be like, are you okay? And I'll be like, what would Jack Nicholson have to say about that? Even though like, I'm in that moment, I'm like devastated. Like something is not okay. Yeah. And so I, there is no, I'm, and so it's not necessarily affecting like my friendships other than people are like, yeah, he's never serious. He won't ever like actually let me know what he thinks is something. And so it, you're right. There's no excuse for that. And obviously it goes back to my childhood or whatever. But it's like, oh, it's be clear, I'm not criticizing you. I'm talking about people who are actively malicious to other people. My read of your situation is that you're more critical of Whitmer than you are to anyone else. And that is ultimately, I don't like that for you, but that is, that's not really harmed to other people. I want you to, I don't want you to do that for you because you're my buddy. But yeah, I think it's the being mean to other people thing that I'm like, you got to get over that. And like, yeah, a lot of those people also will eventually, they're, I mean, my pals

56:54describe those people as like it to, or my, our favorite funny trait with those people is that it takes them three months to realize the same thing, how they affected somebody in the same time it would take a normal person like 14 seconds. You get that text away. Yeah. Where you'll be like, oh, this guy just said this awful thing or did this awful thing and will joke like three months, give him three months. They should have said sorry within five seconds, but give him three months. He'll come back around with a 40 page text message. That also kind of half like absolves their own like, yeah, it's, yeah, well, I'm thinking of specific people and feeling really upset towards them. Should we all say their names? But honestly, there are plenty of times we do that on this show that I'll just, I'll just allow myself, I'll know in the moment that what I'm saying is never going to make it out. And I'll just allow myself to go 10 minutes and then afterwards I'll text chance and be like, cut all of that. Well, in the moment, it felt like I needed to say it, but the larger conversation needed

58:02it. It was taking us to a place we needed to get to, but it can't go out because that was really mean. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, we're not going to say we didn't cut anything out. No, no, we're not going to cut names today. No, not today. Just this is raw and uncut. This is raw uncut unfiltered wit. Yeah. Unfiltered. You should, you know, you should do. You and I both, let's do it at the same time, separate specials. We'll call Nina today and we'll say, hey, wait, now you're going to do two separate specials, same idea. And it's going to be like, are like, fuck you, comic special. Dude, I would fucking love that. We would both do one our own versions of it, put them out at the exact same time. Oh, let's do it. And then there'll be all these articles like comedy is changing. Yeah. You can only, one of those things where you can only watch it for two days and then they take it down because everything is so fucked up that we're saying. And it's like raw. Because we're being censored. Caleb and Whitmer, Ron uncut, slurs welcome. Yeah. Slur-heavy comedy. Yeah. We get involved in that scene. Yeah. Austin, Texas. We get involved in the Austin, Texas comedy scene.

59:03Yeah. Let's go. I could see us doing well in Austin. That's the sad truth is I have had friends like our peers who have gone to the mothership and they're like, it's fucking awesome. Yeah. It was great. No, some of my favorite comics are I get the best place on earth. And I think of course it is. It's run by a comic and almost none of the other places are. Yeah. Well, a comic but yeah, don't get me started. The guy who at least likes to see himself as a comic and that is important unfortunately. Yeah. Oh man. You know what I would love to do someday. Kevin Morbion, I've talked about opening a venue together in Kansas City. I think it'd be so fucking sick. That'd be so fun. lose money immediately and forever. You just hope he got enough money by then to just lose that money. Well that's literally what I'm like. I'm cool with that. I'll lose some. We could even just break even. I'd be fine with that and just be like we make no money off this. But it pays itself. Well, it would it would easily be the best venue in Kansas. I some of these venues and I'm like everything here is great. Yeah. And then you go, but why is there an AI painting of Jimmy Hendrix all behind the stage?

1:00:06Right. Would it have killed you to spend $200 more dollars on the green room furniture? Right. So that any of the pieces were citable. Yeah. What I mean, would it have absolutely killed you? Yeah, I wanted I there's somebody should start like a venue consulting service where they go through and tell them like, hey, obviously a thousand, a thousand people standing remotely is not the move. Right. Put some benches around the edges. Yeah, that's what I always say. Can we put some chairs on the side? Right. I made the mistake of touring for two years to only standing. Yeah. Room. And I swear you should have seen the audiences towards the end just dwindling as people would find out that there's not going to be any seats. Like, people would be like are now in comments whenever I am announced to tour are there chairs? Yeah. 100% are there chairs when Katie and I do our benefit show in Kansas. You know, there's the balcony with a bunch of seats and then it's all standing on the floor. And every year the balcony sells immediately. And then the floor sells really slowly all the way up to the day where people are like,

1:01:08fuck, I guess like they don't want to do it. Guess I'll go fucking stand. I did like a little party here in New York screening and I didn't realize there wasn't going to be chairs and it was a young, cool person in the front row. Just who is clearly like a person people look to for coolness just sat down on the floor and then everybody sat down behind her and I was like, oh, that's all it takes is one influential person to sit on the floor and then you realize like, all right, you've seen that video like on the hill at the they showed this all the time in college on anyone else experience this. It's like at a music festival on a hill and no one's dancing and then like one guy runs and starts dancing. Do you know what I'm talking about? And then the voice over that they were showing college is always like right now he looks crazy. Right now he looks insane dancing alone. And then one person joins him and they're like, now he doesn't look so silly does he?

1:02:10And then a third person joins and they're like, it's officially a movement. And then eventually everyone's dancing and they always show it to be like the first followers the most important like whatever, whatever. But that's what it feels like anytime something like that happens in public where everyone just goes, wait, this is all made up. We don't have to do this. We can actually do something else. Yeah, we can have a little fun here. Yeah, or we can yeah, we can. I was in a coffee shop recently where everyone was waiting in a line that clearly wasn't the line. I was saying like, there was like a line that was obviously getting served and then a line that was like off to the side. And I just went up to the front of that and was like, none of us are in line. We should move to the real line. Everyone was like, oh yeah. And then we just like, I was like, what the fuck is going like no one wants to talk. Everyone's scared to say it. Yeah, we're all robots. None of us are getting coffees if we don't move. And let me tell you right now, I would have stood in the wrong line the whole time and not said anything even if I knew there was a right line. I'm always trying to make a friend in public. You know what happened to me last night? I was going, I wanted to tell you about this. Hold on, allow me to walk in. Last night, my friend and I are biking in Manhattan. We're going from dinner to the park. And what passes us is a 300 cyclists biking together.

1:03:15And I was like, should we join them? I want to know where they're going. And my friend was like, yeah. So we joined them and we biked with them. Whole time we're biking with them. We pride bike with them for like 45 minutes. Whole time we're biking with them. People are like pulling up next to us and being like, you guys new? Hey, what's up? I'm Joe. Literally like so friendly. Everyone was so cool. We learned about at one point this like shirtless guy pulls up next to us and he goes, we're doing a film festival, bicycle film festival. It's all films about bikes. You guys want to fly or? And I was like, yeah. And so, and then we like bike with them all the way to Battery Park. And then this guy like made a little speech that was like, this was awesome. Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. It's all love. It's all joy. It's all bicycles. And make sure to vote for Trump. Yeah, yeah. Third, we were, we immediately were joking like, what if this turned out to be like a pro is real? And it's just pictures of us being like. My friend, that's beautiful by the way. Love that. Oh, I almost cried three times. Yeah. Sounds like a terrible batch of films by the way, just about bikes. I cannot imagine the bicycle film festival is going to be awesome.

1:04:18But guess what? I'll probably be there. Yeah. You should support the scene. I'm going to bike over. And also hand out flyers for your movie while you're there. Yeah, yeah. Hey, we're having a film festival. My dad dying. It's all films about my dad dying. It's one. Come out. My friend wrote this song. This is like 18 years ago when he was like 20 and they were like, hey, commercial wants to license it. It's like, sick. What is it? And he goes, I don't know some sort of walk. And then I was like, okay. And then we saw it and it was a pro life. What? We were going to stop. And I don't think he even knew what that was. That is so far from it. He's also, he's a guy who says he's pro life. Alabama guy. Yeah. And then he, I go, dude, you're not pro life. You've been with a few girls who have had abortions and he goes, well, they can do, it's their choice. They can do whatever they want. But I'm pro life. And I'm like, you described pro choice. We have a phrase for that, actually. You're something else in pro choice. He's like, it's their body.

1:05:19They should be doing it. The government should not interfere with that. I'm very passionate about that. But if I had a baby, I would never get an abortion. I'm like, that is a choice. You are pro choice. And I was thinking the other day about the number of girls that I grew up with that were like hardcore badass, like cool girls that once every six or seven months, I'll get on Instagram and another one of them will pop up with a cross necklace. And I go, all right, that's it. There it is. That's the, the cross necklace is the official end of like, they've been becoming uncool for many years. And then the cross necklace pops up and I go, it's now official. We can close the book. We can sign the deal. It's over. Do you believe it? Or do you think they've just like, when I was a kid, my mom would like, I remember she would wake me up on Sunday and be like, we have to go to church. And I'd be like, mom did something bad. What did she do? And do you think it's like that? I think like, I actually don't have.

1:06:21I would have thought it was so lame. And I would have been so mean and judgmental about it when I was a teenager or I might be like early 20s. But now I just look at it and go, yeah, I think they believe it. I think they're making peace with this whole thing the way that we all are. Yeah. The same way I'm making peace with all this. Like, it's, their version is like, they're going to start going to church because they have kids and they want the kids to be around the grandparents and it makes them feel like the kids are being top values or whatever. So that's their version of like, making sense of how confusing and hard it is to be alive. But the part that I mourn isn't that they're like going to church and wearing cross necklace. I think that's great. Make sense of this however you have to. Life is really fucking hard. The part that I mourn is that I think I was hoping that we would all turn out the same. Do you know what I mean? I was hoping we would all move to big places and travel the world and like make art and I was hoping that we would all be the same forever. And that's not actually possible as a child. That's wild man. I got that same feeling and it hits harder every year.

1:07:22And as my friends find success back in Alabama open in a restaurant, I'm still like, I should have moved LA with me. You'd be a star right now. Yeah. It's crazy. Like I thought, and it's sad to see like, oh, they don't go to shows anymore. And then I'm like, but they have these beautiful families and these careers, you know? And they just found something that brings them joy as like a grown up. And like, I'm still like, but you're miserable, right? They're like, please? No, I love my sons. Today, one of them scored a home run and I'm like, you're lying. You hate that little guy. You wish you were having lunch at all time. You sure having a general meeting with someone who doesn't know anything about you. No, I'm dumb. I'm like, whatever, make peace however you need to make peace. I think it's everything's a compromise and that you decided this was best case for you. I think I'm living my best case. I wouldn't trade my situation for anyone else's. Like I think a lot like if you gave me the option to put all my problems in a bucket with

1:08:27everyone else's and grab a handful at random, I would hope to God that I got mine. But I don't know. Everybody do whatever you want to do. I just do feel a sadness that I'm like, I had these dreams as a kid that we were going to like, turn out the same and go the same places. And now at like 3 p.m. on a Tuesday when I'm like, fuck, I want to ride my bike to the park and see a friend. There is a part of me that's sad that it'll never be those people. It'll never be the people that I am talking about. But it's new people now. It's different people. I get to do that with my buddies now. It's just like, yeah, that's my version of it is not going to be their version of it. And that does make me a little bit sad. And I think that's okay. I don't think that's mean. Not at all. But the cross necklace is the emblem that I go, okay, we have officially, if there was any hope that I was holding out that maybe you were going to... I have a friend from high school who was like huge atheist, hardcore, straight edge, like hardcore kid, just like totally immersed in the hardcore scene. And now he's Catholic. Christian has two kids.

1:09:28He's just a great guy. But I do find when I'm hanging out with his, him and his wife whenever I go back home, I can't tell certain stories and we can't laugh about certain things. When she's around, and I do, that does bump me out a little bit of like, you don't even know this entire life that he had when we were kids and how crazy he was. And that does bump me out. But then I look at him like speaking Spanish to his kids because she's Colombian and I go, but this is like a beautiful life. Like this guy's like learned an entire language. He's also Mexican and like, but when we were kids, I think he like suffered a lot being in Alabama and like cops pulling him over because he had a skateboard but only really fucking with him, you know? And now he's like embraced his culture and like, but look at this man, I can't talk about how we used to catch you jacking off in public all the time.

1:10:30But look at this whole life man. Damn cool that you earned Spanish though. Come on, so do you say congratulations? Come on, so do you say congratulations in every regard to everyone I've ever loved. Still love you, send all my love. Come on, so do you say do you thing girl? Whatever, like I really don't, it really is not a place of judgment. It's just like we're doing different things and I'm noticing. I'm noticing the things are different and I don't know how it happened that way. But yeah, it's not, it doesn't shock me that someone who was a militant atheist could become a militant Catholic. That's militant. Being militant about stuff is, it's very easy to flip the coin. It's very easy to flip the coin. Oh yeah, all the straight edge kids in the hardcore scene started shooting heroin a year later. Right. You know? Well, because what militant, like what militancy does for people is like this really strict type of exercising control. That's their cope. That's their way of dealing with like being alive is they're like, I'm straight edge.

1:11:34I never, I don't have to do that stuff. It's like you're just coping with the same thing that I'm coping with. You're doing it in a different way. And it's very easy to just flip that into like, oh yeah, and I'm addicted to heroin. It's just another type of, it's control. It's lack of control. It's just all coping with like being alive is fucking insane. None of us asked for it. It's going bad in terms of humanity and the planet. It's like, we're not, we're not, you would think we'd be way better at it by now. The planet's kind of like dying rapidly. And so at some point you have to make peace with all that and some people choose straight edge and some people choose heroin. Comos C.D. say do your thing girl. Maybe that's the name of your next comedy special. I think the full name of the comedy special is some people choose straight edge, some people choose heroin, Colin, Comos C.D. say do your thing girl. I love it. Nina? I'm calling, I'm calling HBO. The reason I think I even have this special is because of the guilt trip to HBO to Nina and Aaron who like run the specials over there.

1:12:35I wrote them a letter. Like they came and saw my show and then I wrote them a letter about like, listen, the golden one, my first special was great and it was a great opportunity. But now everybody thinks I'm a sad guy. So I can, this next one's really silly and it would really help my confidence if y'all did this and then it works. So I just wrote a letter to them. I love, I love that so much. And I love Nina and Aaron and probably Christina sitting in a room together reading this and being like, I think we got a green light. We got to do it. Or else he's going to fucking off himself after a great night with friends. Oh shit. I'm happy for a guilt trip. Look, we got to play a game. Oh yeah. It's time to play a game. All right. You ready for this? Do you know what this is? Well, they said there's two questions. Oh, brother, this is true or false. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. And if you get ten or more correct, we're going to give you $50 US dollars.

1:13:37Sick. I'm going to take that to a resorts world casino tomorrow before I go to JFK. That's exactly right. You ready? Mm-hmm. Okay. Monsters in came out in 2004. False. False 2001. The US is one over 1000 gold medals at the Summer Olympics. False? True. The chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide is H202. False? True. The longest playable trumpet ever made was what? The longest playable trumpet ever made was 105 feet long. True. True. Gulf shores, Alabama's town motto is better by the beach. No. False. False. It's small town, big beach. Stupid. Because you know I'm the smallest beach ever. Yeah. It's a sliver. It's a beautiful beach. Sliver of the beach because they built condos directly on the beach, which shorten our beaches and took down all the dunes and seagrass. So now in hurricanes blow through, it's just like, bye bye Gulf shores. Talk. Or another, you know, but anyway, terrible.

1:14:39We saw Gotley Humbert's over there. Yeah, we do. Cucumber's a 95% water. True? True. Trader Joe's operates two stores in the US Virgin Islands. False. False. Longer than the Manhattan Bridge. Fucking. True. False. Paul Wallace from Houston, Texas. False. True. Shakespeare Randy serves milkshakes in the summer. Oh my god. My guy Alex Warner, everybody shout out Alex Warner. I don't fucking know. True. False. The capital of Brazil is Rio de Janeiro. True. It's the big false. False. It's Brazilian. Yeah. Thanks for giving that to me. The Saturn is the sixth planet from the Sun. I don't know. What do you think you're talking to here? True. It's true. Four equals mass times acceleration. True. True. The cube root of 216, Jesus chance. The cube root of 216 is six.

1:15:41False. I don't even know what cube root means. It's true. Blink 182 formed in San Diego, California. Yeah, true. False. Poe, California. Oh, but that's just right outside of San Diego. It's the desert. Poe, California. That's just, okay. Give it to him and how do you do? If we're giving him that one nine. Whoa. That's Ben. No, it's close. I need it was 10. You almost got there, bro. Well, I think the San Diego one is... We gave it to you. Okay, thank you. We gave it to you. That got you to nine. Thank you. You got to deliver that. Have you been to golf shores? I've not been. How do you know about Lambert? They got one where you're from? Lambert. Oh, Whitmer. But when I tell you, when I was at my fattest behavior... I mean, when I was at my fattest both in terms of literally being fat and fattest in terms of behavior, like depression, a chance in eye and our friends. We're going to... There's one, about 25 minutes south of where we went to college in... Branson, like near Branson. And we would go to Lambert's and fuck it up.

1:16:43We'd take 20 people in there. A lot of people don't know. If you ask for a second plate, they'll bring it to you. They don't get a shit. They will bring you... You go to Lambert's. I don't know if they still do this and I want to blow their spot up. You go to Lambert's and you go, I'm still hungry. They'll go, I will bring you another one. Yeah. No charge. I might... Here's a roll. They throw a roll at you. They fucking slap black beans on the table. They give you fucking okra. I would have my favorite order at Lambert's is the fried hog jowl. I would eat a whole plate of it. And then I'd be like, bring her again. And they bring me a 64 ounce mug of Coca-Cola. Like crazy fucking behavior. It's so good. And I loved it and I couldn't... Any time I could get someone to go down there with me, I'd eat there. I went not long ago, almost kind of as a joke because I used to go there all the time as a kid. This place is trash. I've been living in LA now. He's in all these great restaurants. And it was just one of the best meals in my life. There. It over-delivered. And the vibes are sick and just... I bought merch and all that shit. I need some Lambert's merch.

1:17:43I fucking love Lambert's. I want to go again soon. Is there like a line... Oh yeah. Okay. Well, Branson is kind of a tourist town at a time. When I was a kid, the girl who used to sneak into my bed naked at night, she's a beautiful dancer. She got... She quit high school because she got a job dancing at a magic show in Branson. And I remember thinking, he's going to be a star. I'm so jealous. Why didn't they ask me to come out there? Yeah. And in my mind, I would be like, if I could just get to Branson. I could just get to Branson. You could just get to Branson. I'd be the guy. Yeah, I'd be the big guy there. It was like some guy named something rocket his magic show. But... I could just be a bald number. Whatever the fuck the big show was in Branson. Well, thanks so much for doing it. Thank you. You want to tell people where they can find you and you're about your new special? Yeah, you can just look up Whitmer Thomas and all the things and follow them and like them.

1:18:47Yeah, go to Letterbox and put some good review. If you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything. But maybe make some good reviews and mention my family. And I just want to see... Say like, I hope Whitmer's family is reading this. I'm begging you guys, please don't ever write something about me on Letterbox positive. Or otherwise. But go on Letterbox right now and review Whit's latest special and write glowingly about his family. As many of you as possible, please do this and let's just see what happens. Yeah. And watch it on HBO. Terminal crew. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Thanks, dude. Thank you, dude. Fallen never arrives all at once. Verse the air. That in the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall.

1:19:48Find fall your way at Ross. Mr. President, my company formed me of the explosion on my rig along to Per second. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess. And Digger is gonna dig us out. Some of the director of Birdman and the Revenant. What would happen if I stopped doing it? You stole it. You freeze the deck. That's what. With great power. Comes great to nigh ability. I'm not the earth, Nick. Digger. See the tree long line. Only in years until we second rated R. Under 1790 with our parent. Feeling short on smiles? Does your frown need to be turned upside down? We got the perfect dose of comedy. 30 minutes of scrubs. Zach Braff. Donald Faceon. Sarah Chalk and the rest of the gang get secret hard our back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs Wednesdays on ABC.

1:20:48And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of pyfives. Donald Superman.