Wellness: Perfectly Imperfect (a Love Letter to You)

0:00702, we get breakfast. Psychological wellness. Welcome, Dr. Korsi Gianni. So, we're talking about love letters to yourself, not the polished one, not the thinner richer karma, more successful, but better behave version. You keep promising yourself. You'll become you, write that letter to yourself as you are now. The wrinkles, the mistake, the tempers, the temper and the insecurity. Let's bring in our resident clinical psychologist, Dr. Korsi Gianni, a very good morning to you. Hey, Jane, good morning to you. Have you written a letter to yourself? I do all the time. What do you say? Look at you. What's an all? Okay. Love it for you. That's it. And why is that important? Because that's the truth of who I am. Perfectly imperfect all the time, work in progress all the time.

1:02And that's the eye of humility and grace for ourselves and other people. How do we go about that? You know, I suspect that that's our starting point that gets chiseled out of us. It is about going back to the beginning because as I often say to my clients, do you know how many times you fell as a baby when you learn to walk? Yeah. And what did you do? You just got up. You cried because there was pain. And you got up and you walked. What is the difference between then and now? The critical eye of the self was not there. You never judged yourself and said, look at you. You're so stupid. How can you not walk and all of that? That voice was in date. So we were just being ourselves and we just got up and did things. We bumped our heads.

2:02We got up. It hurt. We got up and we did it again until we could walk. But now through socialization, a voice has been kind of implanted in the self. The judging eye of the self, the condemning eye, the critical eye. And therefore we beat on ourselves as not good enough. And then the sense of shame. And where does that take us on to the treadmill? Constantly running to the illusion of perfection, which does not exist. I mean, it seems, I mean, quoting from this article from Psychology today, the article argues that perfect goes against human nature. That accepting our flaws is healthier, more authentic. Yes. It is about embracing who we are. And that's the wholeness, the integration that I am all of that, the what and all.

3:09Because is it realistic actually to to to to amputate that's the word. To amputate those parts of ourselves. And that's what socialization does. And I mean, look at the world we live in now with the curated self that social media, you know, teaches and conditions us to strive for. Whereas our reality is is different. And healing and wholeness is about coming back and embracing all of yourself as work in progress. I mean, that that social media and obviously, you know, we speak about it a lot, but it really is concern. I've got 14 year old twins and I see that they just constantly being compared. And you know, everything they see is marvelous, fabulous bodies look good, hair looks good, eyes look good, life is good.

4:13Everything has to be on point, as they say. Tell us about this Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, the beauty and imperfection. I love it. And you know what's so funny as I thought about it. The thing that came up for me is wasabi. Right. That's the irony, the paradox of wasabi. Like, you know, if you've ever put that thing in your mouth, you know what it is. And it's an unforgettable experience. And yet it is what adds flavor, richness, yumminess to your sushi experience. And I couldn't separate the two. The one wasabi and Wabi Sabi. Wabi Sabi is an homage, right? It's to our imperfection. It simply says it invites us to soften our gaze and to integrating rather than

5:16imitating the self, to integrating and embracing the self through the eye of humility, through the eye of grace, through the eye of gratitude for all that we are in our shadow and our light. I love how you brought up wasabi because I was just thinking while you were talking that I had some last night and there's something quite addictive about that. It's pleasure painting. There you go. It's a cool measure. Indeed, bombs and bouquets and you're quite amazing. That's right. That's right. Okay, so how do we and is it important to dodge shame and judgment? It is important for us to recognize where it comes from.

6:17And it is important to recognize that it is an imposed script. And that script is an unreal script that we sell each other and we buy from each other. We're kind of trading this false narrative of who we are in a manner that forces us to flee from ourselves rather than running towards ourselves and embracing ourselves fully. And it doesn't mean that we resign ourselves and just like some sort of say this, but this is just how I am. That's not what it is. It's not a resigning ourselves and feeling helpless and saying this is all there is to me. It is even as I continued to strive to achieve to be. It is from a place of recognizing that I am perfectly imperfect. And therefore I am working progress all the time and I will build the road as I walk.

7:23I will build the road as I walk. I will take one step forward and in that one step forward, they will also invariably be three steps backwards. And that is part of the design rather than creating this unattainable standards that put us on the stage. All the time it is exhausting, it is unreal and it is unattainable. How do you know it is unattainable? All it does is it diminishes us because it is an unrealistic change. It is just unrealistic. And we have to answer that. Indeed. And I guess you are talking about you have teenagers and it is to recognize that at that stage what is important in the adolescent life, it is the view of others to be seen as.

8:26And it is that is the role of parenting is to bring that sobering lens to things and to constantly temper that perfection with a voice that says it is good enoughness. There is good enoughness and it is a journey. And the journey is a marathon. It is not a 100 meter sprint. That is right. That is not realistic. If anyone has got any thoughts on this and wants to speak to the doctor about your journey, about how you look at yourself in the mirror, please give us a call 0110030702. What is that number? 072721702. Can we have a free treatment for you? Free consultation session. As you were talking, I was just thinking about a couple of weekends ago, I was sitting next to somebody who I didn't know too well at a dinner party.

9:27She was very tempered, much more in control than I had ever seen her before. I have really noticed a difference in you. Much calmer, much more fluid, much more... Just calmer. She looked at herself in the mirror and realized that what she was doing wasn't working. That sometimes in her love she was suppressing. And it was quite a revelation for her. And it literally was as simple as her really calling herself to task by looking into that mirror and just saying, what I see there is not good. I need to change it. And she did all by herself. Indeed. We can. It is recognizing you can't change what you don't see.

10:27And so it is calling us to a moment of presence with ourselves and say, and do the stock take of the self. And very often we talk about fasting as a time that people do it a certain time of year, generally, and there's these periods of fasting. And people put their bodies through a process of. And what I invite people to do is to do a mental fast. To fast from what we would call CCG, criticism, condemnation, enjagement of the self. How do you do that? And to soften the gaze, to recognize the moments, to recognize the moments when you are so critical, either of yourself and others. To recognize those moments of judgment, when we become judgment, judgmental about ourselves, to make judgments and we become judgmental of ourselves and each other. And in that moment, to ask ourselves, what would a soft eye of humility and grace say about this?

11:33And it is to reframe that. To reframe that. It is to adjust that lens, to soften the gaze and come from a perspective of wholeness and truthful recognition of that we are all that. The perfect and imperfect. And we often say this. You know, we look at nature and we look as we say, you know, what is a rose without tones? You can curate a rose without tones and you know, you can, you can. But is that the reality? You know, we've created an artificial version and go espoused that as if it's a natural version, which is not true. And we sell ourselves this false self. When we know that in the absence of that, we know that that's not true. And then we get ourselves on the treadmill chasing the mirage that doesn't exist.

12:33What if I don't like all of me? I really have to embrace all of that or should you slowly work through what you see as your own imperfections, your own flaws? Yes. Yeah. And this is what I was saying. It is not about writing ourselves off or condemning ourselves to helplessness. This is who I am and so on. That's not the point. It's not about resignation. It is about saying, okay, I will recognize parts of myself that do not serve me, do not serve this purpose, do not serve that purpose. How do I move from this to other? It is about recognizing that we are an unfolding possibility. And therefore, how do I move from here to there? What will it take for me to get here today? How do I move? And it is about putting one foot in front of the other, being gracious with ourselves in recognizing that, okay, this does not serve me. What will it, what will serve me and what will it take for me to get there? Even as I make an effort towards that, I do so from a point of grace rather than beating down on myself, judging myself for it.

13:42It is about recognizing it and saying, yes, I come to this point of recognition that I have this part of myself that do not serve me, do not serve my relationships and so on. And what is the other version of me? What is the other self, a possibility that I want to work towards and the self that I want to walk towards and in walking it is one foot in front of the other. I will get it right sometimes and other times I will not get it right. And in doing so, I will recognize, okay, let's cause correct. Let's cause correct as we walk towards the other version of ourselves that we would like to bring to the fore. Let's listen to what Kingsley has to say about working with teens. Good morning, Jane and Dr. Gianni. I remember working with a group of teenagers a while back and the lesson that we did was on them learning to embrace what makes them unique.

14:46And I started off the lesson by pointing out to them that the world we live in today is very much about labeling and categorizing people. You're not fast enough, you're not strong enough, you're not tall enough, you're just too that, you're that. And I pointed out to them that when you're young, all you yearn for is to fit in. But as you get older, you begin to understand the power that you hold in what makes you unique. And so I really appreciate today's discussion and what it's attempting to teach us. It's very good, isn't it? Beautiful, beautiful, you know, it is, it is in moving from that consciousness of I am enough, even right now. In this very moment, I am enough rather than the feeling emptied of criticism and judgment and condemnation.

15:47I am enough and it's the end, not one or the other. And I am work in progress. I am an infinite possibility and there are parts of me that unfold moment by moment. And it is in me turning towards myself rather than running away from an embracing who I am in this moment. And I go back to you know, to our, those beautiful years when we were children. And did we, you know, judge ourselves for, for you know, being on the breast, on breast milk and so on. When we outgrow it, we move to the next, we evolve, we are constantly evolving. And that is exactly how we journey through life, through the unfolding processes and unfolding parts of ourselves. And it is in walking back to that self and inviting that part of ourselves to come forth. And we develop it, you know, moment by moment.

16:49And we can be humble as we walk through life with ourselves and find that grace to give to others as well. And even so that we can also recognize with humility that that's just like me, they are perfectly imperfect and work in progress just like me. You know, I wish we could tell our kids to appreciate what they have and how good what they have is. Because when you're growing up and I don't know how you unlock this, you never realize, right, what is fantastic about you or anything like that. And then you look back, you know, 20 years on, you look back and go, I never realized that about you know, that thing about you is wasted on the youth. On the young, yeah, on the young. Yeah, there's a there's a message from Jose from at Ridgeville, one of the highlights of my reparenting was to realize that our society standards are actually someone else's opinions.

17:51So I also have a right to pin in my life. That's a started to define and implement my own standards. Yeah. And this is the thing, you know, we hear about society. It's not our society or the culture says this that and the other, but who is society? And why does that society's voice matter more than mine? I hear what society says and they're entitled to, as we say, opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody's got one. And so therefore they've got one and so do I. And the question must always be what is mine though? What is mine? And mine can coexist with another. They can hold a different opinion. There's enough room in this world for these opinions to coexist. And I can consider it and always just have to come back to me and say, what is my opinion on this? And can I authentically hold mine while I also recognize that other people can hold theirs too? And there's enough space for it doesn't have to elbow the other out.

18:56There's no need for contestation. It is about the mutually inclusiveness of life. And I can hold both without needing to, you know, just one out of this space. Where does high functioning anxiety sit in all of this? High functioning anxiety is what we end up, you know, kind of wiring ourselves into and that all comes from a society that is constantly putting us on the treadmill and pedestalizing this unreal expectations. And so what do we do? We applaud the people who say, oh, I've been absence, whatever, whatever. And all these exhausting standards and we put them on the pedestal instead of saying, is this a fake expectation and burden of expectation to put on ourselves? And we kind of put that as the standard that everybody should strive for. It does not honor who we are. It does not honor our reality as human beings. And, you know, it just places us in an unattainable and unsustainable sense of expectation. And there's a word I'm looking for.

20:21Oh, God, it's not just me today. Yeah, right. And this is it. This is part of it. This is right now. I'm looking for work and I'm not finding them. Okay, well, what are you looking at? Rodney says the elevation or deterioration of the future of society will be determined by the manners and morals of the youth growing up around us. We should always be good examples as parents. Yeah. And some of the things you know, and I guess, and you perhaps can can can speak from experience here and saying that, you know, parenting is about holding for the child a future that they have not yet walked into and lived into. And so some of the things as the expression goes, you know, we we with hindsight, we get to value and appreciate things. But I think the role of parenting is to keep holding that for the child until they grow into it. Right. As you say to keep holding high watch for them and keep as they live in a world that that that that so script them in certain ways and as spouses all these images of perfection for you as the mother to be that moderating voice that says you are good enough in this.

21:43While there is also these other voices that you cannot silence that continue to be part of the world within which we exist. But parenting is being that sobering voice that comes the storm for the child as they grow into who they become and evolve into who they become aspire to become. We had a lovely moment in the UB yesterday we and me with my two daughters and and the Uber driver was saying, oh, you've got such a nice relationship and I was just saying, I've never spoken down to them and and then I heard my daughter and then I had to be on a call to somebody that I heard her saying to the Uber driver. I mean, the nice thing about mommy is that the only time she gets really angry is when she's looking after us and protecting us and that's how she leads the way. And you realize everything is obviously about how you lead the way because they take it on. Don't they? Absolutely nice to hear it. Absolutely. And sometimes you know, you will they will not always carry you on the pedestal, right?

22:44No, it is it is to continue to do so knowing that you know, it is like planting a seed one day it will it will sprout. All right, let's quickly go back to that lovely somebody for my birthday gave me the most beautiful book. It's it's for five years and there are five blocks in on each page and you write something today, for example, and then the next year you'd be writing under that same thing and I love the idea of that because it shows how we evolve or don't. And I should imagine that I might look back and think I can't believe I use those words. So going to that and love later to ourselves. What should we what should we put in there today? I just yeah, I just that love letter is isn't about is about inviting us to be present with ourselves. And in a kind of even if we do literally embrace ourselves and say, what do I recognize, acknowledge, appreciate and I'm grateful for about myself today.

23:56Dr. Corgiani speaking to all of that of of ourselves. What a lovely topic. Thank you very much. Thank you Jane.