The Secret Lives of Christian Wives

The Dishwasher Dig

Several years ago, a houseguest complimented me on my dishwasher loading. At first, I was flattered: yes, I am very efficient at loading the dishwasher and probably everyone else in this house could take a page from my book!!!

But then he said, “It makes sense [that you’re good at it.] The dishwasher is your domain.”

He meant this as a compliment (I think???) but it was one of those sentences that rattled through my brain with a nefarious clang:

your domain is the dishwasher

your domain is the dishwasher

your domain is the dishwasher

Was the subtext, “stay in the kitchen, that’s where women belong”? I didn’t want to think this person saw me that way, but I wondered. This offhand comment had me spiraling into self-doubt and wondering how others saw me.

Don’t get me wrong; washing dishes is a vital (and often overlooked) task. But I doubt anyone wants to think of it as their life’s work.

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Ladies: Don’t Forget to Live, Laugh, Love!

This memory came back to me as I began reading Kristin Kobes Du Mez’s latest book, Live Laugh Love: The Secret History of White Christian Women and the World They Made. In it, Du Mez traces the evolution of white Evangelical women’s culture, starting in the late 19th century and continuing to the present, up to and including Erica Kirk.

As someone who grew up reading Focus on the Family’s Brio magazine, many figures and movements (such as Rebecca St. James and True Love Waits) were old hat to me, but there were plenty of bombshells in Live Laugh Love, including surprising details behind the creation of some childhood favorites like Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie series and The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.

But the most striking part of Du Mez’s book was the way she was able to trace the pernicious influence of “New Thought” in Christian Fundamentalism.

What is “New Thought”?

Maybe you know it by the name “The Secret,” “The Law of Attraction,” or "the prosperity gospel.” If you were LDS, it was “keep sweet.” Maybe you know it as the reason you were forced to grit your teeth into a smile at church and pretend that everything was fine—it’s the idea that God blesses those who obey authority and think happy thoughts.

Long before your high school classmates started selling Amway, Christian Fundamentalism embedded this pyramid-shaped power structure into its churches and para-church movements. Surrendering to authority was the same as obeying God. Any suffering a person experienced could be traced back to disobedience or doubt.

Women were expected to cede authority and decision-making to men, to never criticize or question. In return, men would protect and provide for us. It’s the 1950s housewife (minus the pill addiction) and the 2020s tradwife (minus the army of paid help).

Du Mez’s history shows how old this song-and-dance is. Female Christian Influencers have been peddling New Thought since Hannah Whitehall Smith’s The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life was first published in January 1883.

The Dark Reality Behind the Fairy Tale

Du Mez effectively demonstrates, again and again, that the women who espoused New Thought as the way to happiness often concealed lives of struggle including broken marriages and disillusionment with Christianity. The story of Elisabeth Elliot, former missionary, was particularly affecting.

White Evangelical women have been sold a bargain: that if we give up our agency and power in order to submit to men, those men will take care of us. New Thought and white femininity combined to form a sort of magical thinking: who needs to fight for equal rights when we can have something almost like equality bestowed upon us by our benevolent husbands?

But proximity to power isn’t power. Obedience and subservience aren’t power. Only power is power. Women forget that at our own peril.

Don’t get it twisted: I’m not saying that marriage is bad or that men can’t be trusted. I am a big proponent of a healthy, interdependent marriage. What I am saying is that it is the height of delusion for women to believe that we can cede our critical thinking and our agency to anyone and come away better for it.

Such dependent relationships are not an equal partnership; they’re more akin to a parent-child relationship. And, indeed, much of the advice Du Mez quotes from marriage manuals such as the infamous Fascinating Womanhood advocate that women adopt childish behavior such as pretending to be afraid of cows and stamping their feet when mad.

By and large, I found this book enlightening and a worthy follow-up to Du Mez’s earlier hit, Jesus and John Wayne. I’d recommend this book to anyone who wants to know why so many white Evangelical women vote against their own interests or get sucked into pyramid schemes.

That being said, I didn’t find this to be an easy read. The book covers a lot of historical ground and keeping track of so many names (particularly the unfamiliar ones) sometimes left me flipping pages back-and-forth trying to remember who was who. In addition, some material may be triggering to women who have religious trauma related to their gender—particularly those who’ve been abused in a church setting.

Still, Du Mez’s analysis of the common threads in this history and their connection to our current political climate is enlightening. Just her insight on how 90s Purity Culture was basically the Prosperity Gospel for sex was worth the cover price.

As for me, I’ve delegated dish duties to my 14-year-old son. While his methods of loading dishes sometimes defy logic, I’m glad to know this future man will leave my home with plenty of experience handling this important chore.

Though I won’t be referring to it as his “domain.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I received a free Advanced Reader Copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The book links above are affiliate links that I can earn commission on.

Have you read JESUS AND JOHN WAYNE? Do you own any household items adorned with the phrase “Live Laugh Love”? Ever been in an MLM? As always, I love to hear your comments, complaints, and ideas in the comments section!

A NOTE ABOUT COMMENTING: It’s always gratifying to have readers leave comments on my work. Last week’s post reached a wider-than-typical audience, including some folks who aren’t used to the way we do things around here. As such, I’ve set up some rules for the comments section. Hope that helps keep the conversation civil and engaging!

BONUS MATERIALS:

* JUST WATCH THIS, TRUST ME

* saw this at Target, feels appropriate:

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