The Episode of Unfathomable Healing *UNLOCKED FROM PATREON*

0:00Welcome to Binch Topia. We hope you enjoy your stay. Namaste everyone. Welcome to Sandy's Promise. Welcome to Sandy's Dream. Hi everybody. Welcome back to Binch Topia bonus episode. I can say with full confidence that I've never recorded a podcast episode in such a beautiful location. I don't know that I've ever recorded an episode outside. We are at the most beautiful Airbnb in Joshua Tree. Nick and I found a gorgeous place and it overlooks this gorgeous canyon and the sun is setting right now. We're on like a yoga deck that's overlooking a sort of valley in front of us. It's like a gulch. It's really hard to decide even where to look because everything is so beautiful, so peaceful.

1:06I am so at peace and we sound so relaxed. I am so relaxed. I needed this. We needed this. We needed this and we had an incredible Shroom Trip yesterday. Just life changing. I had the time of my life. I think the most fun and life changing experience I've had in my entire life. It was incredible. We're calling it Sandy's promise because this is what was promised to us. This is what was promised to us. This was our destiny. You guys, we finally got it. We finally got it. Everything that we wished. Except we were left to our own defices. No, we orchestrated a Shroom Trip of our lives. We organized a Shroom Trip of our lives. This got us through many months of the winter despair. We really look forward to this. Oh my God, I cannot believe that this is where we're podcasting from right now. I know.

2:07It's a good idea. The fact that it's not a video episode. We should do this all the time. We literally should do this all the time. I mean, the sun is setting in the what direction does the sun set? In the south. But it doesn't set in west to south. I don't know what I always say this. The sun is setting in the south and. I said this on a date once. I think it's because I associate the south with like heat and sun. So it's setting up for that. But you know, when I think critically, I'm like, well, obviously it sets in the west. The sun is just beaming down on us right now. I do feel like there is something about New York that is very hard on my well-being. I'm a human body. I'm a human body. It takes a toll. It takes a toll. The body keeps a score of New York. And the winter has been so brutal. I've like not experienced the sun for months. This trip has just we did a healing like on a serious note. We did a major healing for not just us, but other people will get to that later. We healed for others. We healed for others. We healed for others. People's pain, which we'll get to, but I don't even know where to start with like this

3:11whole experience that we're having to start. So I flew all the way to LA and I met Nick here and we got in the car. We got in the old pre is the pre pre. The heirloom pre is. The heirloom pre is. And Nick does not own an ox cord nor a Bluetooth because the 2008 Toyota Prius doesn't have it. I don't play the radio. I was the radio master. And the radio thing was fine up until we got to the middle of the desert and then it was only Jesus music and white noise. And you were really irritated because I kept trying to play music. So we got in on Monday night and we had to go to the grocery store because there's nothing in this Airbnb. Obviously Nick was fiending for weeds. He was like, snap. Let's get him moving. Get him back to God's country. I was ready for the vacation to begin because I just got off work. But I had read the Airbnb home guide and obviously it says no smoking which completely

4:12understand but no smoking on the patio either. And I'm like, we have a problem. What are we going to do? So Nick and I were hot boxing the Prius, the heirloom Prius. And we got in. You guys like pull up to this gorgeous Airbnb where like, wow, like I can't believe it. We immediately have to go outside before unpacking. In the Prius for longer. In front of the ring cam. It just be like, I don't have a problem. Look, this was before our room strap. It was before we're changing people. You guys, we were damaged. Like we done a damage. We were damaged. Life did a damage. Like did a damaging on us. So, yeah, then I cooked dinner and we made cookies. Ooh, this was our like chill night. We were settling into it. But we couldn't see anything because the desert is completely dark at night and it's so beautiful and there's no light pollution. So you can see all the stars in the sky. And so we could see it was beautiful but we couldn't really see the view. We woke up.

5:13Wow. It was so beautiful, so peaceful. So Nick and I had heard of this desert restaurant called Papi and Harry X, which is like a really famous place in Pioneer Town, California, which is very close to where we are right now in Joshua Tree. So we got our asses up, gotten our wagon and took it to Pioneer Town. And Pioneer Town is actually a former movie set that was built in the desert and now they call it the Williamsburg of the Yucca Valley. I don't know. That's what they're all saying. It's about to pop off. It's basically like a fun old Disneyland kind of movie set. But then there's all these like little stores in there that have a lot of millennial chew. Yeah, we noticed a big problem out here. A lot of socks that say like, I'm so fucking tired or like fuck this damn job or like coffee a clock. Don't talk to me before my coffee. But like worse than that because it's like really expensive. Yeah, each bumper sticker is like $35.

6:13Yeah. The same screen printed t-shirts. There was a beautiful pottery studio that had handmade pottery and I love that. I got some pottery there. So that was fun. And we took some gorge picks. Pioneer Town was fun. Yeah, it was really, really fun. And then we went to Papi and Harriet's where we, first of all, this is like a very popular restaurant. They're like an hour 45 minutes per table, which I got to say generous. New York sometimes is like, you'll have an hour with this table. Our 45 is not bad. Granted, it was the middle of the day on a Tuesday. It was, but can we just say we ordered, explain how quickly the food hit the table. We ordered the salad to be like, oh, we'll share this like for the table, whatever. By the time we had put the menus down and like picked up our phones, the salad was on the table. It was literally on the table. I have never, like I think she sprinted back there. I have no idea how they got. It like, I've been literally materialized in front of us. And the rest of the meal came so fast too.

7:14Yeah, incredible. Everything was delicious. Thank you, Papi. Thank you, Papi and Harriet. Thank you, good old Papi. And they have, so the, the gag about this restaurant is that they have a little like dingy stage where like sometimes like big stars come to play. Yeah. So it's always sold out. Yeah, so that was so fun. And then we came home. I will say earlier on Tuesday while you were working, I did book a horse excursion. Right. And they were asking me like on the phone, they were like, we only have one slot left, like for Friday, like one booking for two people. And I was like, great. And she was like, what? Stop. Is your partner's horse experience? Like, she has like a lot of horse experience like all her life. She's like, why did you say that? I don't know what came of me like. Why did you say that? They're going to, they pair you with the horse named Buck Wild. They're like, we need to know her experience so we can pair up with the right horse. I can't remember the last time I rode a horse. It was probably like 2017.

8:17Well we're about to find out tomorrow because I cannot cancel the booking. I did not grow up riding horses. So I feel like there's something about you wearing like you probably did. I don't know what that means about. Not a bad way. I just thought like you had more horse experience. What he was. Or would I have had a horse experience? I don't know like wearing you the one that brought up going to ride horses. Yeah, because I thought that would be like a fun thing to do in the desert. Yeah, no, it totally is. I just, I'm like, I thought I was coming from a place of horse, like a past horse. But I had a lot of horse experience. Let me just say like we booked this before we had done the shrooms. We did the shrooms. Our bodies are so exhausted. We woke up like bruised and battered. And just we fought demons yesterday. We fought demons. And we're going to be on horses tomorrow morning at 9.50 a.m. So don't know how that's going to happen.

9:17I'm scared. Like physically I can't even imagine how the horse. I think it's going to be like a tame one. I'm sure there's only like really chill ones. That are employed there. They bring out big old buckwild. Stop. The old rodeo clown. Old rodeo. It's written him in 25 years. No one contains them. Julius here. In that case, I would make you take the horse. I really would. I really would. I feel like I would form some form of like soul bond. Which so another thing that we've been doing is looking for land for Nick. Yes. Nick, I don't know if you want to kind of update people on where your land journey is going. My land journey is that I put a really low offer in on a barn. Obviously. Are you thinking I'm the one with horse experience? You just put an off. I'm going to tell the horse riding experience. I'm going to be like, oh yeah, no, Nick just put an offer in on a barn. They're just give them buckwild.

10:17He has stables. He could take buckwild. Anyway, so you lost out on the barn. Yeah. I have this dream to build a commune. I lost out on the barn because someone who had more money beat me. Didn't you say you sent them an offensively low offer? Yeah, of course. I have offensively low funds. It's like it's what it's going to be. It's what it's going to be. But yeah, so that fell through. I've been sort of like beat down in that situation. Got to get back up on the saddle. Oh, can I just say for a second, the sun is setting to the south and to the other side. There's just a beautiful golden glow over the mountains and the sky is just turning a technical. We're looking at mountains that are probably like 50 miles away. Yeah. And they're just like just so you know, right in our like field of view. Like we are in big sky country. Yeah, the sky is huge. Anyway, I'm sorry. So you lost out on the land. I lost out on the land.

11:17This podcast coming from 1860. We're like, oh yeah, we're out here in big sky country. Wow. Lost out on the land. She had extreme horse experience. She took book wild down on by the pass. Lost out on the barn down there. Extreme horse experience. And so we're back to square one where we're sort of like dreaming about another property to make it all. I love you keep saying we as if I'm going in on the property. The old ball and chain. So we randomly have been sort of like, I don't even know, but it's almost like we're playing these characters that like are going to tour houses in these neighborhoods. Well, we're touring dilapidated houses to be clear. Yeah, these are all abandoned. We're not like touring like fancy homes. You guys there like sinking into the sand. Like these are all like dilapidated old houses. Yeah. First one was sold. We toured another one that was a tear down. We saw beautiful like 70s geodesic dome house that really captivated. It needs to be fully insulated.

12:18Yeah. So I'm sort of looking for another project. So that's been one of our things. Yeah, and we had to hang out with this weird real estate agent today. Paul. Paul. Paul. Yeah, we were like, what if we just were like, oh, hi, ball. Nice to meet you. And he's like, my name is Paul. And we're like, oh, yeah, ball totally. It was great to meet you, ball. So ball today met Nick and I. And he was really confused about like who we were and what we were doing. And like, well, because Nick does his straight act like when he's with strangers. So he would sometimes it's like we're my daughter's actual couple. I have to drop a few octaves. Yeah, you drop off the over there. That's why you that's why me that's the old ball. And so and I feel like Nick really is in his divine masculine. So I've really been in my divine feminine. I've been cooking a lot. We've been in homestead mode, basically. Yeah, I drive you do the groceries. You go.

13:19You go. You look for lion. I sit on my couch and look for lion. You really slipped into something. I slipped in it so funny because at home, like my boyfriend does all the cooking. Like I never really cook. We have a tiny kitchen in New York that doesn't even have a dishwasher. So it's like, you're making mask or phone. And now I'm making me so marscapone shells, which I had about enough of those. We've been eating them for a few days. So yeah, we were prospecting land. But driving around has been so beautiful. Driving around has been really beautiful. We are on dirt road. So it's a little bouncy. But it's so it's such a different environment than what we're used to. Totally. I don't know, it really shakes you out of your car. It really shakes you. It really traps you. What's been some of the like your favorite part? Because I've been here before a lot. And so have you, but I think it's been a while. But what were some of your like, I really like going to Pioneer Town. That was really fun because you know I love an old West moment. I love.

14:19I'm doing a beautiful, milk made in dress. I was. I've just enjoyed. We've both been reading that book Desert Oracle about like interesting desert phenomena. It's called Desert Oracle by Ken Lane. If anyone wants to check it out. It's like all about the deserts in America. And I guess that the Mojave Desert is the second biggest protected desert in the world, which is crazy. And it goes into like the kookiness and the magic. The kookiness, the aliens, the magic. It's a good disappearing people. Yeah. It's a very sort of it's a magical place. I mean, I will say the American Southwest and the American desert regions like America is a crazy country. There are so many different terrains in just one country. It's so vast like we're looking out. It's so vast. We're looking out at nothing right now. I mean, yeah, it's incredible. We've seen lizards. We've seen Jack Roberts. Yeah, we saw a road runner. When did we see a road runner?

15:20It appeared right here like during our trip. You remember? Oh, yeah. I didn't realize that was a road runner. We saw Tumbleweed. We saw Tumbleweed. Like we're having a real ask desert experience. I was kind of gagged by the Tumbleweed. Yeah. Because I'm like, that's such a smart evolutionary adaptation. What do you mean? Because they're able to physically move by expending zero energy. Wow. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm going to push around by the wind and they can unlock new geographic places to put their seeds. Like it's going to be just shout out to Tumbleweed. Shout out to Tumbleweed. And I just love cacti. I just feel I apparently people used to go out to the desert for the desert air as like a cure. And I truly feel that I get it. I get it. But I also feel like this trip would not have been nearly as healing if we had not done the shrooms that we did. Right. The near lethal dose. It was extremely high, which I will say were people of shrooms experiencing some of

16:20my experience. Were people of shrooms experienced? Were people of shrooms experienced? Were people of shrooms experienced? They worked our way up there. I would not recommend not to somebody who has never done them. We got shrooms in a chocolate bar and from a man at the park. Who's the man? I don't know. Who I have a very close relationship with. I love that. Well, not actually, but he's just my guy from the park. Thank you, man, from the park. Thank you, man. We both ate like a shrooms chocolate bar. And so at first I felt very agitated. I was just like, none of the songs I'm playing sound right. Something about me that you should know is there's always like one or two songs that I hyper fixate on severely during a shrooms trip, which last one was Joe Harri by Sufian Stevens. It's in the past been American teenager by Ethel Cain. There was another time where sunshine and rain by Kelly Uchis. It's just like, I really rack up those streams. So I didn't know what was going to land upon me because sometimes you play the same things and it's not. I will say we threw in a lot of the classics, but we mixed in some new. We mixed in some new, but what I'm really saying is that I do feel like the song that

17:23I need to listen to on a loop on shrooms kind of calls to me. It speaks to me and you usually have to work something out to the song. So we were sitting and you were starting to come up and I was like starting to come up. And I was like, I don't know what it talks to you. I don't know what I ask you if you're okay. That's all I got stuck in my head. And then you were like stop singing that. It just got a little bit stuck in my head, but I was like, that's weird. I don't know why that's stuck in my head. So then we went back inside because we wanted to change. So we went inside and Nick, you can. I come into your room. Stuff everywhere. There's clothes everywhere. I come in. There's stuff everywhere. And the bathroom right just here. I don't know how to talk to you. It's like playing so loud. I'll be speaker. Suddenly we're rolling around on the floor. Like the best way to describe it. Because you caught me. I felt like that I need a song hadn't been calling to me until that moment and I felt I needed to listen to that song. And then like what proceeded after was I can only describe as like a tantrum.

18:27Like we were on the floor. A tantrum. We were on the floor like rolling around. We were screaming. It was good though. I don't want it to sound like it was bad. Anyway, we were in the living room. We fell to the ground and we were rolling around. And I was like, I need to listen to too good. I need to listen to too good by Drake. And I was trying to play. I was like, is it Drake generally? Is it other Drake songs? It was kind of just specifically that song. But then we were listening to it and it was like. We were delving into a Steve change. Last night I got high as the expectations. And I was like, whoa Nick, we really do get high as the expectations. I guess it's high as your expectations. But like that really moved me in that moment. I was like, whoa, like sometimes we get as high as our expectations. We expect so much. We expect so much. So that's how high we have to get. I was really needing to work something out. And I was like, I cannot believe like my songs in previous room strip. I'm not even a Drake fan you guys. Like I don't even like Drake. Like that.

19:28Like my previous songs I'd listen to air, the air soundtrack from the Virgin Suicides. I'd listen to American Teenager. I'd listen to Kelly Uchus. Like I've listened to like me flying all the way to California to take it to a place of Toronto. The shrooms were demanding that I go mentally to a place of Toronto. They were trapping you in Toronto. They were trapping me in Toronto. But then we were listening to lyrics and I was like, I don't know that like I even relate to these lyrics that much. I feel like I am processing Drake's pain right now. Like I feel like I was just realizing that Drake was in a lot of pain. And I was carrying like a lot of his pain. And like then we started playing American Teenager, which we wept and we cried and we saw that I had a battle in the mirror. Oh, we think no other like my face. I was like my face is wet. And I didn't realize that I was crying and then I was crying. I was weeping. We were laughing. But as I was working out all this stuff in myself, I do also feel I was working something through for Drake. Yeah, absolutely. I thought about DMing him afterwards. I thought about saying Drake. Well, we were saying like we as a society like carry so much of Drake's pain.

20:30We carry so much of Drake's pain. And like I don't think that we realize how much of Drake's pain we carry on it on a day to day basis. Yeah. And like he's in a lot of pain. It was a major theme of our trip you guys. It was like a roommate like working it out. Like we are going to get those demons out. Oh, yeah, that was the other thing as well. We were in the tantrum room and I was freaking out. I was like, I have a lot of demons inside of me and you were like, we're going to get them out. We're going to get them out. I was do like you were do like I just felt like things were like coming from me. I was processing. I was screaming. I was crying. I genuinely felt like I was giving birth and Nick was my doula. And then Nick was giving birth and I was his doula. We were both working through something but we were also working through something for Drake. Like I feel like a major spiritual shift for Drake occurred last night. And I don't know if he knows what work we did for him. I think his melancholy is so relatable. Like it really touched us. It really touched us. There was something like he called out to us in our altered state.

21:31And also we said, Drake, if you wake up tomorrow and you're feeling a few pounds. It was lighter. You're welcome. I know I was like, I'm going to DM him like Drake, you might notice. You will begin to cough in four days. Things have changed for you in ways you cannot understand. A swarm of locus. A swarm of locus. I just feel like I do like I feel like Drake should maybe compensate me for the healing I did for him because I did a healing for myself too. But I wasn't expecting to be called to Drake. We were rolling on the floor of the living room like, oh, oh, Drake. Drake, Drake. Like we were like, we were like, because what was happening is I was trying to understand if the lyrics applied to me, but then I was like, he's just in a lot of pain. It's just, it's just. It's not my pain. It's not my pain. It's not my pain. It's a waste. Oh, at least. And like you said, how much of us have been unknowingly carrying Drake's pain for years? That was more of a like, it was a different pain than Ethel's pain. It was a, well, Ethel was the conduit for our pain. Ethel actually was transforming me.

22:33It was my pain. I felt like that was all Drake's pain. That was like, I don't think any of it. You guys, if you want to understand like a fraction of what was going on, like play American teenager and just on a loop 10 times, just imagine the things that would come up for you. Picture like you're literally laying in the dirt, like spread out, watching the sunset over a hillside. That's in front of like sobbing. Oh my God. The sobbing felt so good. I feel like I learned so much. I felt so connected with my grandfather who passed several years ago. I felt like I felt him so much like around me. I felt so much love. I felt so much peace. I felt so much acceptance. I felt so much beauty and joy alongside the things I was feeling for Drake, but for myself, it was just like, it was so much promise. It was everything that we were promised. I felt so much love for myself that I literally have never felt before. Yeah, I felt so much love in myself. What I was noticing is that the inner narrator is just gone.

23:36You're just cracked open to feeling and you just feel everything and it feels so good to feel. It feels so beautiful to feel everything and to just feel so connected to the world. And we were really noting like a really special part was that inner narrator going completely silent. It was so changed from that trip. Nick and I were kind of like, if that's what we got to experience in our lives, like that's a life like well lived to get to experience that like just once because I do feel like I've felt that way before like so connected to the world. You felt that way too, right? In my past, definitely. I will say this is the most different. It's the most profound. I think I think the natural environment. Not only due to like the higher amount that we took, I think it's the most for both of us, but I also think like when they say set and setting. It's so real. Last time I did hallucinations, I was with mega and she like stepped on a piece of glass and was like dragging her foot all over. I was like, I was like, your foot is bleeding. She was like, now it's not.

24:37I was like, yes, it is. Imagine that happening while you're on track. So you just sat in the setting. I'm so glad that we like took a vacation and that we like took a place, a special place for us and we planned it out. And like, I just feel like I learned so much. I felt so connected to everything. And I felt connected to like, there's this questionnaire that we use like in some psychology experiments called the mystical experiences questionnaire. And it basically, if you've ever taken hallucinogens before I recommend looking at it or if you're just interested in what the experiences of hallucinogens are, like all the questions in there kind of ask you what of the things you've experienced. And it's like a sense of oneness with all being a sense of true reality, a sense of acceptance and peace. It's like every single one of the things on the mystical experiences questionnaire we experienced like to an extreme degree. I've never had a trip like that. It was. We were out of time. We were in time. Right when we were coming up, like how I felt like I was being blown off a cliff. Like I was like, we're on a cliff side.

25:38Don't come up was really hard. I was digging my hands into the dirt because I was like, I'm going to get blown away into this like melted puddle of mountains. It's so beautiful right now, you guys. It is unreal. I just want you to know that we are transmitting you so much love and peace from this. I mean, now I understand why I don't podcast outside because it's so distracting, but it's like this is just so beautiful. And I feel so connected to things. I do think that it was just an absolutely wonderful experience, but there is kind of a sadness afterwards of being like, ah, my inner narrator is back. And like that's the part of me that worries so much and criticizes so much. And like is not in the present moment. And I feel like the part of you that you experience on hallucinogens is just the you that experiences exactly what is in the present moment. And that part of myself, I was like journaling about this and I'm like, I kind of feel like I've been dragging that part around with me like dragging it through the mud and being

26:39like, come on, we got to do this thing next. We got to and it's like, I'm not letting that part of me feel anything. I'm not letting that part of me like experience and like take a moment to be in the moment. And I'm always dragging her to the next thing that like needs to happen next or the future or the pain. I'm like, oh my god, I'm literally like skinning myself alive, like dragging myself around and not letting myself like sit in the moment and feel anything because yeah, we don't look at where we are and granted like we are in an especially beautiful surrounding right now. So it's really easy to pay attention to how beautiful it is. But like we get so bored with our surroundings, even when we first got here, I wasn't looking at it the way I'm looking at it now. I was still on my phone. We were still on our phones. I was like, I need to read this book on my Kindle. We weren't present. I think it's because we are thinking about so much like other stuff that's not that very important. Well, we're not letting ourselves be in that moment and feel we're already discrediting the moment. We're devaluing it. We're like, damn, but I want to be and it's like, but that's the thing. I feel like life sometimes is so mundane and so it is.

27:42It is. I do need to fill the space with like narration, which maybe better that. It's much easier when you're here somewhere beautiful, but like we timed it beautifully so that we could watch the whole sunset. This guy got dark. The stars came out. Oh my God, you guys. We were like bundled up lying on the yoga deck under the stars looking up, being like, I feel so at peace with like the universe. Like all our lives we spend looking at our phone trying to get and I understand that we sound like if stupid hippies and like if you got it, you got it, you don't, you don't know what to tell you. You don't need to be so stupid. It's true. It's true. And we were just like, oh my God, we are searching on our phones for something that's just like a minuscule amount of this experience of just looking up at this guy and how many human beings throughout human history have just looked up in the sky and felt such a sense of peace. And like that is the cure that we're all looking for. Like we're looking down at our phones and I understand that I sound like we looked down at our phones and not up at the sky.

28:43And like that's the problem with society, but like it is true. But it's true. And like the sky is like the most interesting Instagram reel in the world. Like no Instagram reel. I was like this is the Instagram reel. Like we're searching for something on our phones that we will never find. Imaging of the sky. There's always something to look at. And even if there's light pollution and you can't see the stars, which I do think like the light pollution is so bad for us because how many generations of human beings just looked up at the stars and felt such a sense of peace and calm and serenity and like comfort and connectedness to the world. And now we're like AP and T cell phone tower needs to be blasting 85 billion watts of light at all times. But there's always something that you could look at and going outside, genuinely touching grass, touching dirt. We talk about touching grass, but we don't talk about touching dirt. Exactly. So much wonder outside and connecting with it makes you feel so much better than anything

29:43on your phone ever could. And I think what hallucinogens do is they just force you into that moment in a way that's like nothing. I don't even know where my phone is. Nick woke up and he found his phone like buried in the dirt. Like it was outside face down like in a random corner. And that's what they don't want us to have. They don't want our phones to be face down in the dirt. I didn't even think about it one single time. No, I didn't think about it one single time. I think the thing is like shrooms, especially on the come up like forces you back into such a state of like I need to survive. Like your mom back to your most base like it's like your spike mat. I don't know if we've talked about this, but Nick has a spike mat basically that's a bed of nails that he loves lying on. It's back to you pressure therapy. And we've been talking about it because it's so painful and it's like what state and society have we gotten to that now we need to lie on a bed of nails to feel grounded and to work to my soul because we don't we're not in our bodies. We're dragging our bodies behind us. Like they're like a petalent child dragging the kid or it's like a dog that wants to

30:45sniff and we're like get over here. We need to get home and like worry more like let her sniff and let ourselves sniff. And yeah, I just feel like this spike mat is one of those things that forces you into the present moment. Shrooms is one of those things. But it's also like you see how much hidden beauty there is in the present moment that you're in at that very second and you're missing it. We're literally missing it all the time. I was solving looking at a bush like and why wouldn't you like it is you know seriously. I was sobbing and I do think phones like the purpose of contacting the people I love like I was thinking a lot about the people I love and how I'm glad that I can contact them later and like that I do think is a good purpose of technology. I was feeling grateful for shoes. I was feeling grateful for for tissues so that I could blow my nose and cry. There were some expelling the demons and when you said we're going to get them out I was like we got them. We got them. We got them. We got them. We got them. We got them. We got them.

31:45Literally. I felt very content. Like everything was wrapped up perfectly. I was like I didn't want to be on my and I'm like here's the thing is that I there's dogs barking but you know what it's the desert and sometimes dogs bark so we'll let those I haven't heard a coyote howl I have to say. I haven't either. I have heard some like interesting chirps and like seen a lot of cool. Totally. And we saw some beautiful ecosystems on the cacti. When I was coming up on the cacti and I was like this is their whole world. To be clear we were looking at a cactus which was like budding and like a like sprouting a beautiful flower and some of the nectar was like beating out of it and coming up and the ants were drinking the nectar and then there were spiders waiting in the shade that would eat the ants. Like how much of them is like wow this is their twin towers. This is their whole world like this is all they know like why the fuck are we on our

32:46phone all the time and they just live on a cactus like I know and that's okay they have no existential inside. We need to be content like why do we have so much existence why do we have so much existential anxiety and it's because we're not in the moment. We're always thinking and worrying and doing anything but being in the moment and I was thinking I think my worrying will protect me. I think I worrying will protect me too and I feel a little bit dismayed that once I'm off the shrooms that inner narrator comes back but I do feel like it's less severe because I feel like it's less severe and I feel like I know that there's this other part of me that embodies everything about like I won't lose myself if I lose that worrying part. Like so much about me is not that part that worries and I think just feeling open to everything and not feeling scared of feeling anything allowed me to not worry so much about the future because so often when we're thinking about the future we're trying to imagine how we're going to feel and how to tamp down on it so that we don't feel overwhelmed and it's like so I'm just feeling overwhelmed with emotion is like the best thing in the world. Yeah. Every time I started crying I felt so happy to cry. I was trying to run from that and like feeling it yesterday was just amazing.

33:51It feels like a portal was open. It felt and I was like yes I want to cry more it feels so good to cry. It feels so good to cry. I just feel so grateful to be here in this moment with you Nikki. I also think when my worries would pop into my head the solution was always very clear. Did you have worries when you were tripping? No but I think about you know like a bit more toward the end when it wasn't as like oh my god survive. I would think about like yeah current things in my life that I'm worried about and like the solution was immediately clear or I was very quickly able to rationalize like what was actually an issue and what was not. I mean I do think it shows you there's so many things that we spend so much time worrying about that don't matter at all and it's so important to see what fades away when you're tripping because when you see what fades away you see that you're so happy here like this is what that questionnaire is getting at like this is true reality. I remember the first time I ever took shrooms and I was like I feel like I've been living in a false reality all this time and misses the real reality and all it is and I understand

34:54that like there's all these chemicals that are like whatever like yes you are taking a drug but what it shows you is that like you can experience so much pure joy by just being radically in the moment and it's easier with drugs but that's what people are getting out with like meditation and with like prayer and with yoga and like things that connect you to the world it's just like it's a shortcut to doing that but you have to keep it up you have to keep reminding yourself of what you learned you have to keep practicing I do feel like I want to go back to meditating because we're looking for the solution and we think the solution is in something external if I just do this if I just do that and it's like yeah you're missing your whole world you're missing your whole life like dragging around the feeling part of you like behind you through the mud through the nails. I think it was so special to like share this with you and it was so wonderful for me it's so hard and you said this also but to not feel shame about crying oh my god yeah front of people and I remember like at one point like I was laying on my side on the ground and

35:59you were to and like we were just looking at each other like crying and not judging yourself for that I mean the shame around crying is so strong that I it even broke through a little bit even in my shrooms day but then I was like who fucking cares like and then we were having this like moment where we were like laughing and crying are so close to each other like we would be laughing a moment and crying a moment we're like maybe we laugh so much so that we don't cry and we were like everybody like yeah it was like a razor's edge of like oh I could cry or I could laugh like I'm right there and these things are so connect like why are we so worried about crying it's so not a weakness it takes so much strength to be able to just let yourself feel and I notice like the waves of emotion like sometimes I would feel a little bit less good and then I would feel you for it and yeah and like I didn't feel bad but it was like things ebb and flow and you ride the waves and I looked forward to riding those waves of emotion I was like oh my god in the next replay of American teenager I'm going to

36:59go through a whole new experience and every single time we replayed I was like thank god I have a different journey with this replay can I say also when we were then coming down and we went outside to like look at the stars and we were playing this basically like desert music playlist and I had forgotten that I had queued another strike song and so we're out here listening to like cowboy guitar and we hear passion it from miles away that's it with the things you say and it literally sounded like one of those tiktok videos where it's like passion fruit played at a house party through the door like muffled through the bathroom door it was exactly that it was beautiful it was beautiful honestly after that it went back to the playlist so it was just it was a moment from drape and that's when I to be passionate from from my from Toronto me flying all the way to California to get taken to Toronto you being a person of Toronto's passing up on my old ways I can't blame you now

38:01let me look at what else I wrote down I also there was a really cute time in the house the other day where I heard you going because we got here obviously we're like wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow and then there was a moment where I was in my room taking a nap and I just hear Nick going to himself wow wow wow wow but yesterday it's so beautiful like I am so beautiful so many times just walking around I'm like wow wow but anyway we were down on the yoga mats and the yoga deck looking up at the stars literally seeing shooting stars literally seeing like exploding galaxies like it's indescribable like more stars showing up by the second doing it justice but it's like that's another thing I'm sure like it was almost like a firework show that like wasn't going on and like it was a firework show but you can't tell what was nearly wasn't like it was not a plane in the sky not a cloud in the sky we were looking up at the stars we were thinking about the galaxies and Nick goes like very sweetly he's just like I always used to wish that the aliens would take me like as a child I would just beg and I would beg take me take me I was like that's really sad and you were

39:08like well though I don't and I was like were things bad at home and you were like well yeah why were you begging that the aliens you were like I would beg and beg and you were so serious you were like I would I would beg and I'd beg I'd say take me take me literally I think that was my first journey with like trying to manifest trying to dissociate I remember I would close my eyes and be like like if you're out there like come come come come come come take me take me I don't think I like clocked it as so sad at the time because it felt more adventurous but now looking back knowing what was going on at home and I'm like okay that was bad so that was so that was bad you were like I just wanted them to take me I wanted to do a different anywhere but here I was like Nick that is like such a repressed memory like I hadn't even thought of that in you yeah but like I really used to lie awake at night like in my head being like I really hope they come tonight I just like I feel so connected to it all like I know I sound corny

40:12as fuck right now you guys but like just be happy for me it's it's just like it just is exactly what I hoped would happen and I feel like you very rarely get it was Sandy's promise to feel is like who we are if we don't feel we aren't even existing but we're so scared to feel anything bad and I think that all pieces of technology all things that were being sold are just to get us to not feel like you know when you feel bad about yourself you're like oh my skin looks bad and then you're like well now I need to buy this product and it's like great now you don't have to feel anymore you don't have to feel like bad about yourself or oh I feel really tired right now oh buy this like thing that you need and then you won't feel so to it's like or just like I feel so sad oh here by this like bag of candy been there for myself and then you won't have to feel it anymore and it's like but to feel is like all that is good like to feel makes you who you are and you're not even living if you're not feeling it almost takes so much to keep you going it takes so much yet like

41:16look how much work is that yeah think about how much work you're putting in every day not to feel things and I think about it with myself oh my god all day I'm fighting for my life not to feel things and all that I came to as a conclusion on this room trip is like to feel is the most important thing there is and that's all there is and it's like it feels so good to feel and be connected to sadness happiness joy it all feels so good to feel and why am I spending like hours and hours and hours dedicated of my day trying not to feel things and if you don't let yourself feel than other people have to feel for you and that's what Drake did to us and so we did work for him because he can't feel and look where we are now so from the future when we were like which of Drake's teachings which of Drake's many teachings can I apply to this current moment always think to yourself which of Drake's teachings could I apply to this current moment we were like disciples of Drake we were disciples of Drake we were walking around last night like in our robes like covered in blankets I was like we look like disciples of Drake we're disciples of

42:19Drake last night I think I lost my patience last night I got how is your expectations last night this is the first time that's been sung in this canyon yeah I feel like that is the first time the animals have ever heard too good by Drake sung in this canyon I am really gonna miss this place I am gonna miss this place so much we need to remember to connect with nature where we can and to those binges that live near nature please take advantage of the beautiful nature it's so important it's all we got it's all we got and California is just I'm so special and the desert is just so special I understand that like I'm not gonna feel this way when I'm like sitting on the subway of course in Brooklyn but I don't ever realize how stressed and overworked and overburdened and disconnected from my body I am until I take a moment that I have to force myself to breathe and like connect and even when I'm there I'm still trying to be on my phone like it takes so much energy

43:21to break that because it feels like if I let myself feel for a moment and this is the constant entertainment it's like I'm always playing a podcast while I'm doing anything I'm always listening to music I always have a YouTube video on when I eat it's like oh I'm constantly distracted so we say that it were bored and it is that we're bored but it's also that we're uncomfortable and that we don't want to feel anything negative but like as we've learned from your spike mat sometimes the only way to connect back with yourself in the world is to feel an emotion that is hard to feel yeah or a physical sensation that is hard to feel it almost feels like it just is the only thing that matters and I'm sorry if we sound really annoying on this podcast episode but I also feel like it's okay to be annoying and corny and chooky style it's okay to have a profound experience it's okay to have a profound experience and feel good for a second and not quite have the words to describe it but doing your best but doing your best and it's okay if your podcast listeners think you sound a little corny because I had a beautiful life changing experience and you

44:22also doing the thing that I did which is apologizing in the same episode for the state of the episode no I just I know that when I've been in a place where I don't want to feel hearing something like this would piss me the fuck off I'd be like shut the hell you're not going as big you don't know my life you don't and it's like I don't but all I can say is like I want you to have an experience where you feel connected and at peace and joy and if you think I'm annoying that's okay I'm sending you love and know that we were in a place of extreme torment we were in a place of extreme torment we might have not even known I was definitely tortured like every time I emerged from a shrooms trip I compare the two versions of myself and it just it really feels like a weight is off my shoulders like I think I'm not to process well because when you let that part of yourself that you're dragging behind you just walk at her own pace you don't feel the heaviness of dragging something it doesn't feel so forced doesn't feel so forced oh you guys the mountains are dark now the clouds

45:26are purple the stars are starting to come out Nick look above us I think we're going to do some stargazing tonight I think we're going to do some stargazing tonight I feel so lucky to be able to get to do this I feel so lucky and thank you guys for letting us do stuff like this and for listening and for hearing us out even if we sound horny and jude I hope there's something to be like gleaned from this I hope one person feels a little bit better after listening to this episode that's all that matters it's just so weird to think about like the experience we had versus like how it translates on a podcast episode right because also people don't like to hear from people usually when they're like happy like people usually like to hear like when they're miserable and when we're laughing about our misfortunes and it isn't going to be as funny of an episode as trauma get in because we actually had a good experience so so this episode is an episode of unfathomable wonder and we're taking an unfathomable Toronto remarkable Toronto and we hope it inspires you to maybe

46:29have your own trauma get in or your own healing your own heal your own heal your look at him just take a breath right now I want like I honestly am like leading a meditation session right now but I'm like just take a breath through your nose and if you have the moment to go outside right now while you're listening to this podcast episode or you're driving and I'm like just open your window just take a breath through your nose out through your mouth they had a point when they were like you need to go outside feel the air on your skin like what do you smell I smell the beautiful desert air I smell wood a slight fire and just notice where you are right now and notice what you feel and where you feel it there's somewhere in your body you might be like I don't feel anything somewhere in your body there's a feeling a sensation and we're gonna work it out

47:29and we're gonna work it out we're gonna get it out but you gotta let it you gotta let it move you gotta I can't trap it and tamp it down because it needs to move where in your body is the source of Drake's pain you're think about yourself right now tell me on tell me on your body your dripping you show me where Drake pained you show me where Drake's pain came to you yeah last name when we were out here and I had a horrible cramp in my calf and I was like I'll Drake Drake the pain you've sent me I received it my temple calls to you Drake good rising's Drake my Pharaoh calls to you oh my gosh Nicky look at the stars it's unimaginable there have been so many people that have looked up at the sky and seen these stars and felt felt connected to something and so do I and I feel connected to them I love it we don't even have to pretend that airplanes are like

48:33shooting stars in the night sky because they are shooting stars yeah and I don't feel like I don't feel like I need a wish right now I feel like my wish came true last night oh Sandy's promise Sandy's promise hey everybody we're here for an addendum to the episode we're lying in Nick's battery now back in LA we finally made it home we finally made it home we're literally lying here like the grandparents from Charlie and the chocolate factory we came back on the pod today we felt like we did kind of wrap up everything we needed to say yesterday but we spoke too early because we spoke before we went horseback riding and I knew horses unlocked something for us they unlocked something so different and knew and and I have to say I knew or at horseback riding there I was gonna change things but I wanted to record an episode in that beautiful location and we were or we went horseback riding this morning after we left the Airbnb so we couldn't like go back and record like teased our future horse we teased our future horse ride experience that you

49:35had much horse experience that we had a lot of horse experience but the reason why we have to follow up on this is because horse riding change things I told Nick I wanted to go horseback riding he assumed that meant that I had haunts experience it turns out they didn't think I had any haunts experience because the woman was so annoying to me the whole time she literally was acting like I was the dumbest bitch on the planet she took one look at you and was like oh this bitch has no haunts experience I know so anyway we both got so sunburned we were not properly dressed for the haunts saying I have the most insane like farmers tan this is definitely the it's the longest I've ever been on a horse and it also was the craziest terrain I've ever been on with a horse so for context we did a two hour ride right and I thought that we were doing a one hour ride yeah but we went into Joshua Tree National Park like on the haunts on horseback it was so cool literally on horseback I have to say it was amazing I was riding a brown and white horse named Cody I was riding an

50:37all white stallion named forest forest but he was old he was quite old and then there was this guy behind me who was riding a Clydesdale which was crazy there was just a huge rain in Joshua Tree and so there's all these new flowers and it's apparently greener than anybody's ever seen it which was amazing to see but the haunts is kept like dipping down to eat the grass and stuff and the guy behind me with his Clydesdale he kept being like no no stop he was trying to like Caesar Milan like the dog whisper yeah and it was like the horse I don't respect you and the horse doesn't respect you like no one on this trip even respects you so clock that clock that but basically the ride was going really well but then at the end Nick and my horse started beefing our horses started beefing severely they had a bit of a battle like they approach each other I don't know what happened one of them nipped the other got a bit too close it happened several times it culminated

51:40in our crazy clashing where your horse like reared up on a timed legs like mine was like bucking forward it was so scary I knew I sensed in my mind that like something might happen with the horse and that's why when they were like do you guys want helmets I'm like first of all what do you mean do we want helmets like aren't you guys supposed to make sure that we wear helmets I wish I could have switched my now for like a really cool cowboy hat same but I was really glad I was wearing the helmet when my horse literally bucked up on it and I was like what if my horse does something like that our horses were beefing my horse got too close to your horse your horse retaliated but the woman was she was like hold on sweetie like you're good I was like you're fine sweetie you're fine I'm like we were joking we were joking about buck wild earlier and I literally did get buck wild it came like it came true I also failed to mention that I had like a hip surgery a year ago so I think I like my she came up to and she was like what's going on with this lag like

52:41anything here you're like I don't know what she was like yeah one of my legs is longer than the other so that's probably it and you're like yeah maybe I'm like hello what you know I remember the massive surgery well I just like didn't think it would impact things that much because I'm not used to riding a horse but it totally did when we got off the horses after our near death experience we were bolegged it kind of was like a sandy experience where afterwards I was like I need to because we weren't talking the whole time so I was like I need to check in with Nick and like see how this was and so I was like I got to maintain a certain way to maintain a certain decorum around the haunts people but to be clear like we both were in a green of it being too long of a ride it was it was too long and too hot but I was really glad that we did it and I did feel that it was healing in some way but I knew when a profound silence emerged I was like I know exactly where we're at it's too long it's too long it's too hot we're both burnt and toasted and crisped but anyway so I

53:44was a little bit shaken by my experience with the horse we get off I revealed to Nick that's why cowboys walk that way because we were both so sore yeah like I can't even imagine how we're gonna feel when we wake up tomorrow and I'm gonna have to get on a plane and sit for six hours because he's facing the world like seriously walking crazy I was like pigeon toad in a way but I did afterward say to Nick I was like I felt like that was so relaxing like I felt so connected to nature and it was was funny because I said that the last time I was on a horse was when my situation ship and I were having a horrible breakup in 2017 and I ended up on a horse yeah it was literally that mean that's like the activity your family has you doing while you're fighting for your life with your situation but I so this time I had a really nice experience and I was just like wow I feel really connected to nature I really appreciated I was like yes I did pay for this horse experience but oh my god I'm out on a horse and nobody's trying to sell me anything yeah and I was thinking about it because I was like this is way better than like Disneyland because nobody's trying to sell

54:46me anything there's no temptation to buy no I'm just enjoying but anyway so I wanted to check in with Nick and I was like Nick like how was that for you like obviously we had some moments our horses were beefing but like how did you feel and Nick was like so I was thinking about my ex pretty much the entire time and I was like hello hello there was something about like being out there on a horse alone I was like I'm like a lost cowboy that like misses my lover like but can I say I've heard Nick mention periodically that he misses his ex or that he's like oh should I text my ex but like we had just been together for like five days I had not heard a single thing about your ex like he was not like this came up like I was like what do you mean you were like thinking about it was like you got literally struck I got struck by buck wild and you got struck by the horse that makes you think about your ex like the horse of unfathomable breaking no contact so this escalated very quickly Nick was like clearly very like shaken by the fact that you that you I don't know what you're

55:48at the whole two hour horse ride I will say like I have been like torturing myself and tormenting myself over this situation for the past year of like what do I do about this oh I don't want to like hurt this person by like starting this up again like this very like you were struck by a powerful energy from the horse that made you miss your ex yeah and so the horse of missing your the horse of missing your ex so I was trying to therapist you and figure out like what it was that you actually wanted to do because I was like which it was so helpful like thank you thank god you really helped me work through a lot I do feel like it's a helpful skill that I learn as a therapist that's like as a therapist you're not supposed to be like well I think you should do xyz it's really about figuring out what does that person actually want for themselves and the more questions I asked you the more I was like you really want to text your ex so we we were leaving the horse like I'm getting the sled feeling that you might want to like it felt like it's been a

56:49long time it's not like a you guys just broke up and you're like I need it actually it's not an urgent thing like it has been years I'm not kidding like it was the wrong time for me when we broke up like that was sort of the reason for the breakup and like it has been years and like officially haven't spoken in like more than a year you know what I mean yeah exactly it's a slow burn and like I've said before I do feel like something that speaks to a decision is like do you feel an urgency of like I need to do this right now or something really bad or like has it kind of settled over me and it was very much you were like I just think like I miss him and like I maybe want to it wasn't like I need to text him right now so we were thinking about it we went to lunch and then we were like shopping at some vintage stores where I got into another beef with another woman and I got another beef because we were in this thrift store and as this whole time we're like drafting this text if we're drafting this text this whole time we're like what are we gonna say can you explain the beef that I got into with the woman at the store the fabric lady the fabric lady

57:49so Julia's pointing out that like oh wow these dresses are so gorgeous but I wish they weren't made in like a very uncomfortable material polyester to be fair I didn't just say that out of nowhere the woman was very chatty she was part of a larger conversation she was like oh that one is silk that one is this and then I was like oh this one's so cute but I hate that so many of the clothes in the seventies were made out of this like thick uncomfortable polyester personally offended you guys she was like well if it was made of organic material I wouldn't be here what it it wouldn't be so well preserved and we were like oh okay it's just like a little bit like itchy on my skin like and she was like if you watch the movie Saturday night fever every single one of them was wearing polyester it's a future fabric it's a future fabric that's why it's still here and you were like damn they were probably sweating so much like it was probably stankin and but I did say they were probably sweating so much in the seventies and she was like well that was the vibe they were doing a lot of drugs at the time that was the vibe I was like they were like okay and then she came over to me and she was like I'm not trying to sell you something but do you see this fabric like this is a very good fabric if you get the stuff from China nowadays the cheap

58:52stuff like the polyester they're using is not of high quality and I'm like girl polyester is a shit fabric like it traps wet it feels terrible like and then I ended up buying this shirt that was like more silky and she was like okay I see this is from the 90s yeah okay that's a self one I'm like yeah she was like personally feeling victimized she was personally feeling very victimized and like guys we all agree there are so many dresses from the seventies that would be so adorable if they weren't made out of thick unbreedable polyester anyway after we leave Nick is like I'm gonna send the tax and I was like you need to send the tax so you send the tax it's a very kind text you opened your heart I open my heart I don't know how much detail you want to give about the tax I do want to give more detail about like on the specific ride I'm like specifically the Joshua trees and like how they were blooming right right that really reminded me of like the time I had there with my axe because he was really into that and then we sent the text after the polyester lady polyester debacle and Nick was like okay I sent it like I'm glad I sent it because I have this

59:58theory and I think my friend Sarah talked to me about this at some point but it's like sometimes energy just needs to move and it doesn't really matter about the result it doesn't matter if he's like fuck off or like sure I want to see you again this isn't really good but like you saying this really helped me like I just need to move regardless of yeah whether it's a yes or a no or like whatever happens like I need to move that energy because there's some stagnant energy that needs to be moved and you need this is what shaking up your life can be in like a beautiful sense is like he doesn't have to be like an earthquake it can just be moves somewhere like my god move some energy so Nick felt good about that and then he was like he's probably not gonna respond for a while because like Loki that was a crazy text it was a crazy text it was a year you were just like basically it's just right after noon I've really been thinking about you a lot and like I would love to see you and I understand if not but like I just wanted to read it was like a very nice text it would you open your heart in the text I did you were vulnerable which was an issue in the relationship yeah totally which is it's really hard for me but yeah I was like yeah I just miss

1:01:00you like I'd love to see you yeah I was getting so anxious about this though I was like I was getting secondhand I was getting secondhand stuff like it might have been your ex it might have literally could have been my ex like that's how it's like I was so chill about it like I locked my phone and I was just driving I was like do not disturb you were like no I don't think so I was like how are you gonna turn the phone off he's gonna text and we're gonna see it I got so you were so brave I was so inspired by how brave you were because I was literally I was like and this I always feel sending an email literally it's like girl chill out and so then we're driving and we see that Nick gots a text from his acts like 20 minutes after we sent it and Nick's like it's over because what it tells me when you get a text that quickly in response to something so major I'm like it was a gut reaction whatever was sent was a gut reaction because that's too little yeah so he was like he was like okay I knew it was gonna be a no it's gonna be a no like whatever like I'll just like fuck off like he's I had already made peace with it in my mind I was

1:02:02like great like we were like what's the worst because I was too anxious for you to open it you were like I really want to look at it and I was like I'm you were like will you read it to me because you were driving I was like no I don't think it's meant for my eyes I was like really scared but we had fully accepted we were like you know like you were like no like and you know what at least I tried whatever then you like suddenly got an urge to check it we pulled over to a gas station and you I literally like had my hands like over my eyes I was like it was like a horror movie to me I was so so so so so so so we pulled over pulled into the then and then I hear you go like oh my god and I was like what happened what happened Nick and he was like yeah I would absolutely love to grab coffee like 20 minutes later like no contact after you it just was absolutely not what I thought would happen like I was obviously overjoyed we screamed we did scream but we also were like there was a spirit of both the horse and of Drake that possessed you that was like I need to contact

1:03:05like maybe that's what the Drake message was about of Drake of like being lonely of missing your acts of missing the connection you have and then the horse really helped bring it to fruition the horse that makes you text your acts exactly the horse that makes you get back together with your acts maybe we all get on that horse may we all get on that no may we all fall off that horse I will say yeah I'm like specifically in my I'm not advertising just as a blanket statement to text your I'm like a lot of you listening to this should absolutely not text your acts and let me say in which contact your sign this is not your sign this is my story okay I feel the need to say that because if I was listening to this this would have been it for me well it did work out for you so we'll see but I think let me just speak to the people who are gearing up to text their acts is right now that really shouldn't listen up this does not apply to you if your acts was mean or abusive to you console your friend console your friends and your you know three trusted unit this

1:04:08this does not apply if there was cheating or you broke up because there was like a major rift like what happened was Nick broke up with this person because he couldn't emotionally handle being in a relationship right I am afraid in right yeah I'm working on it he is working on it so he wasn't like don't text the person who like literally killed your soul and made you want to die yes do not attack that case this is someone I had a genuine connection with and nothing bad happened nothing not happened if you can keep listening and take that into consideration if your ex was an a piece of shit yes if your ex was a piece of shit cut it right there delete those texts like don't want to see you typing out a text message right now like to be clear this is like a great guy so if that's not the case like please don't start drafting that text but anyway I do think that this was it was like my horse literally shook me up and then your horse metaphorically shook up your life I don't know what came over me like it was so powerful I was like it's like another I

1:05:09wondered I think it just was like I feel so much more emotionally open like post art trip yeah that I was able to like sort of recontactualize this situation it's so beautiful about it so we're getting coffee tomorrow and and you know what stay tuned it also like could be nothing it's okay if it doesn't work out but I'm glad that I acted on it and I feel like I'm eager to like stay in that place where I'm like my emotions are like up top and available you got seriously rewarded by the universe for your vulnerability and sometimes the universe will reward you for your vulnerability but also I think this situation applies not just to texting your ex because a lot of times that doesn't apply but just like putting yourself out there and being okay like you really inspired me with how okay you were with the fact that it might not have worked out and that you might have gotten rejected like you were like that's just as much of an answer for me and I am obsessed it is because it it's a direction to go in regardless of right and I'm obsessed with those people who

1:06:10like do rejection exposure therapy and they apply to a hundred things and like like you never know biggest believer in exposure therapy that's what's helped me so but you never know what people are gonna say yes to you never know how other people feel like sometimes you do you never know if you're gonna get that job like anything could happen yeah you got to be open to it that's the thing like if you don't want to spend your life guessing like about what somebody else feels or like what some and you would spend so much time guessing yeah you can torment yourself I did for over a year until the horse of testing your eyes just out into it yeah into action break in the horse work together to solve this problem because it's like there were only two outcomes either I shut the hell up or I move on right and at this point it's been a year so you need to move the energy is stagnant if I'm not going to move on then there's only one choice left which is to text but I was just inspired by your bravery in that because it is a really really

1:07:12hard thing to do and you have to not only trust that you can handle anything that happens to you emotionally but also like know that whatever happens to you emotionally like it will be a stepping stone and like at least you'll know like what you're trying to do by like thinking it through and not taking action is trying to protect yourself from feeling pain but you also might be preventing yourself from feeling joy yeah like you literally felt an unfathomable joy after the horse of unfathomable text near acts and like you wouldn't have felt that joy if you had just continued ruminating about it I think that I can logic and ruminate my way out of anything and you just can't I've always loved I don't know who said this to me but it's like you cannot solve an emotional problem with a thinking solution like there's no cognitive solution to an emotional problem and you have to remember that because sometimes you just need to move some energy and if you feel bad sometimes that's better that like feeling hurt and sad is sometimes better than being caught in a thinking loop where you're not feeling anything at all exactly and this is just like a

1:08:12beautiful case of when being vulnerable works out we just wanted to share this story of inspiration and hope for you all because it felt very important to our journey this trip has really been a journey containing so many multitudes so many multitudes what a beautiful and however it may end however it may end up I feel like I really learned something we learned a lot and yeah we're sending love we're sending necessary shakes and what an unexpected when unexpected beautiful shake get in touch with a horse get in touch with a local horse or Drake or either one and just see what unfolds yeah all right bye oh