Squaring Up: The Moth Podcast

0:00Welcome to the Moth. I'm Chloe Sammon. When the going gets tough, when things look their darkest, when you feel like it's now or never, there are two avenues available. One, you can give up, honestly, a classic for a reason. Or, two, you can dig deep and square up. In this episode, we've got two stories of planting your feet and facing your fears. First up is a story from Maya Molina Schaefer, who told this at a New York City Story slam where the theme was splurged. Here's Maya, live with the moth. The Marine Corps taught me a lot of survival skills. They taught me how to shoot, how to navigate, how to lead. But what the Marine Corps didn't teach me was that sometimes survival comes down to a toothbrush in Beyoncé. You see why others packed extra ammo for war, I packed Queen Bey.

1:04It was 2006 and it was a brand new secondly tenant in the United States Marine Corps. I just checked into my unit and my first conversation with my commanding officer when something like this. Lieutenant, welcome to the unit. We're deploying in two weeks for a 15 month long deployment to Iraq. Here's your packing list, get your shit together and get ready. Roger that sir. So before I had time to understand and comprehend the gravity of going off to war for my first time at the height of the Iraq war, I focused on what I could do. I focused on the mission to get myself and my Marines prepared for this deployment. And I looked at that packing list that was very long and read kind of like this dystopian shopping spree. On one side, I had all the gear that I usually bring to the field, my uniform, my boots, socks, undershirts. But then on the other side, it had this weird domestic stuff.

2:04Sheets for my cot, shower shoes, shower caddy. All the domestic stuff that reminded me that I was going to be living there and not just fighting there. And as I was preparing my gear, I had a really good friend who had also deployed and she gave me some great advice. She's like, make sure you buy something that just brings you complete joy and happiness. It may not be useful, but at least it'll make you smile and laugh. So my best friend and I, who was also Marine, about a week before I deployed, we went on this super special shopping mission. We were looking for those items that were going to make us just be happy and combat. My best friend, she decided to buy sheets with SpongeBob because nothing says I'm a tough Marine like saving on sheets with a sponge wearing square pants. And I followed suit. The first thing I bought was a kid's towel, was a finding Nemo towel, I had a hood with a fin and a tail because nothing says I'm a prepared Marine like bringing appropriate aquatic gear to the desert.

3:07And then I decided to splurge on this really fancy toothbrush. You know, instead of bringing the free one that my dentist gave me a week before, I was like, nope, I am going to spend a significant amount of money on this really cool toothbrush that played, I'm a survivor by destiny's child when you brush your teeth. And I saw it and I thought, that's going to come in handy and combat. So fast forward, I'm in Iraq. In between just bursts of intense action, there's these long mundane routine days. Every morning I'd wake up and I'd tread all the way to the shower trailer and the scorching heat. And I'd take my two minute regulation shower and I'd prepare for what the day was about to throw at me. I put on my uniform, I'd lace up my boots, put on my body armor, my cavler helmet, I strap my pistol to my waist, strap my rifle over my shoulder, and I was ready to go, rinse and repeat every single day. But one morning when homesickness was hitting me particularly hard, I remember standing

4:12in that shower trailer, standing in the mirror, getting ready. And I started to think about my family and how much I missed them. And then I started thinking about my friends and wondering what they were doing and how much fun they were having without me. And then I went down this dark hole and I was queshing all my life choices up into that moment. When all of a sudden my thoughts were interrupted, did by that powerful Beyonce voice, singing I'm a survivor, I'm not going to give up. And then we next to each started laughing, she immediately started singing with me, like belting at the top of her lungs. And then I'm rearing from a shower cell joined in and then another marine, another marine and all of a sudden there was six female powerful voices just belting out I'm a survivor, was steaming, rising all around us like this surreal music video. And it was in that moment I learned something so profound. I learned that sometimes survival is not about the gear that you wear or the armor. And survival is about finding those perfectly beautiful moments of joy and happiness in

5:17the most unexpected places. Even if that place isn't a shower trailer and the middle of the Iraqi desert, thousands of miles away from home surrounded by marine singing along to a singing toothbrush. Now fortunately my unit made it home safely and why can't give all the credit to Beyonce? I can tell you this. That splurge on that singing toothbrush gave me more of a tactical advantage than any of the gear the Marine Corps had issued me. Thank you. That was Maya Molina Schaefer. She's a proud military veteran, gender equity advocate, passionate storyteller and mom. After 20 years of military service, she now calls New York City home where she dedicates her voice to gender equity, racial justice and finding joy in unexpected places. We asked Maya what happened to the toothbrush and she said unfortunately it didn't make it

6:21pass that first deployment. But the lesson it taught her about finding joy in unexpected places and one very specific Beyonce soundtrack carried her through three deployments in 20 years of dedicated service. I've met Maya and I can confirm to all listening that she is very brave and very cool to boot. I, on the other hand, am famously a bit of a scary cat. When I was a kid, my mom had to threaten to ban Nancy Drew books from our house because I'd read them and then be too scared to sleep. As an adult, I'm constantly misinterpreting very normal creeks in my apartment as a masked killer creeping toward my bedroom door. As such, I've always assumed that I'd be more flight than fight if it ever came to it. I was tested one night a few years ago when I was out dancing with a friend. We were having a grand time when a drunken man approached and started to bother us, following us around the room when we moved to different parts of the dance floor to avoid him. Finally, I turned around and told him to leave us alone.

7:21Wrong move. He immediately got in my face and started yelling. I waited for the flight but was wildly surprised when, instead, fight came roaring in. I planted my feet, refused to give the ground. He was trying to take by looming over me, looked him right in the eye and told him again, leave us alone. He was mad, but I was mad and I was not moving. Shockingly, my scaredy cat ass was ready to throw down. My friend jumped into support and in the face of the two of us, he turned tail and left. I think Nancy Drew would have been proud. After the break, a story about facing fears around a right of passage, back in a moment. Welcome back. Our next story is from David Smith, who told it at an Ann Arbor Grand Slam, or the theme was blessings and disguise. Here's David, live at the mall.

8:22I should not have been surprised by my first communion, but I was. The nuns at my school told me about it, my parents told me about it, and we had practiced at church, but somehow it was the week of my first communion and I really had no idea what was going on. I couldn't talk to any of the adults about it, so I turned to the only other reliable source who was the girls in my class because I knew they were paying attention. Me, I was singing about Batman and Robin, not my eternal soul. Anyway, so I went to Mary Pat, I said, Mary Pat, you got to help me out with this communion thing, and I'm sure she told me a lot of really good stuff, but what I remember is this. She said, whatever you do, David, don't touch the communion wafer with your hands because it'll turn to blood. She said, and also, don't let the communion wafer fall to the ground because if you do, it'll fall to blood. And most importantly, she said, you got to have a good confession and make sure your soul is clean because otherwise when they give you the first communion, it'll turn to blood. And I'm like, I mean, even at a young kid, I was a little squeamish.

9:25And so just the thought of there was going to be blood in my mouth, I was just about guarantee that I was going to be puking at my first communion. So I had to get this confession thing down. So I went to the other really reliable source of Catholicism that was the Perine Brothers. And the one of the Perine Brothers was a little older and I said, you got to help me out with this confession thing. He says, look, no problem. You just go in and you tell the priest your sins. And he gives you his clean slate. And I'm eight years old. I don't have any sins. And he says, no, this is how this is what I do. You got to sound legit when you go in. So I go in and I say, I lied three times and I took the Lord's name and vain four times and dissipated my parents three times. That gets you through. I said, okay, I can do this. So Friday comes this time for a confession. The whole class goes in and I'm lining up and I'm thinking about it. And if you haven't been, so the confessional looks kind of like a photo booth. And you go in and you pull the curtain closed and you kneel down. And the priest is in the next compartment, right? And he's got this little door and he slides it open and there's a little screen there

10:26for everybody's anonymous. But I know who he is. It's Father O'Malley. I just had him in basketball practice. And he knows who I am because he was yelling at me because I can't dribble to my left. You know what I said? Bless me, Father. I say, bless me, Father Frives. And my last confession was, well, never. I never had one before. This is my first time. And you know, I took the Lurz name and vein three times and I disobeyed my parents twice and Father O'Malley says, OK, and he gives me my penance. And I go out. And as soon as I get out of the way, I forgot to say the thing about the line, about the swearing. And so I go back in line. And I go, get line, and I go back in. And he goes, bless me, Father Frives. And my last confession was like five minutes ago when I was telling, I forgot about the swearing. And he gives me another Hail Mary. And he sends me, I'm away. And I think I'm OK. But I'm still like a nervous wreck all day Friday and Saturday. So now Sunday morning comes and my mom, you know, she gets me all dressed in the white shirt and the bow tie and, you know, I'm looking good. But I'm pretty sure that there's going to be blood on that white shirt before the

11:27end of the day. So I get the church with all my, you know, people from my class. We line up at the communion realm. And the Father, the priest who's giving us communion is Father God's will. And he's this really mean, scary priest. I mean, when he gives communion, he says like, he's like, he's mad at Jesus. He says, the body of Christ. And so the other thing that he's famous for is that if you don't open your mouth large enough, then he yells at you like right in communion. He's open your mouth. And it's humiliating, you know, and I'm, my whole family is in my grandparents are here and I don't want to be humiliated. So I'm kneeling and watching them out of the corner of my eye, coming down at me. I got my mouth opened, my tongue sticking out, waiting for him. I, and it's taken forever. So my mouth is like drying up. But he finally shows up and he goes, he gives me the communion way for it. And I'm so worried about it falling on the ground that I snapped my teeth shut and catch just tips of his fingers and he's like, hold his hand back.

12:30And he didn't say this, but the look in his eyes was you're going to hell. And so I get up and I go back to, you know, to sit with my parents and my mouth is so dry that the communion way for it's stuck to the roof of my mouth. And I'm trying to get out loose with my tongue, but I can't do it. I know I can't touch it with my hand. And I don't know what the rules are. I don't know if you're supposed to swallow it before you leave or something bad will happen and all through all this. I'm just thinking to myself, oh my gosh, I got to go through this every week for the rest of my life. But like, listen, like a lot of other things that I worried about when I was a little kid, that never really happened because eventually I left the Catholic Church. So, but that experience stayed with me all my life. I mean, it's very vivid to me and I'm grateful because what it led to was really this great

13:33understanding. And I'm beginning with, I'm pretty sure that the creator of the whole universe didn't want that little eight-year-old boy to be terrified. And I also figured out that human beings are at their best when they're not afraid. They're at their best when they are laughing and they're happy and they're loving each other and being kind to each other. And I have figured out that it's probably better for me to keep track of that stuff instead of just counting my sins. That's the gift that I got from that little eight-year-old boy. And it served me pretty well. I mean, I feel like I've been on a pretty good path. But I will say there's probably one thing that has helped, and that's this. I'm pretty sure that that communion wafer is still stuck to the roof of my mind. That was David Smith. He's a writer, a dedicated storyteller at the Moth, and a three-time winner at the

14:33Grand Slam competition. In 2024, he started a storytelling event in Flint, Michigan called Passage's Storytelling. That brings us to the end of our episode. We hope that the next time the going gets tough, you're ready to square up. Chloe Sammon is a director at the Moth. Her favorite Moth moments come on show days when the cardio is done, the house lights go down, and the magic settles in. David Smith's story was coached by Jennifer Hickson. This episode of the Moth podcast was produced by Sarah Austin-Jones, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Salinger. The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Gina Duncan, Marina Cluchae, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinale, Caledonia Cairns, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, and Patricia Urania. The Moth podcast is presented by Odyssey. We'll thanks to their executive producer, Leah Restennis. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else,

15:36go to our website, themoth.org.