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1:01And as you age, for a limited time try one skin with 15% off using the code risk at 1skin.co slash risk. That's 15% off 1skin.co with the code risk. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support risk and tell them we sent you. You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. I'm done. No hassle, no negotiation, no guy from an online listing lowballing you. Which means by the time I'm done explaining this, you could have basically done it. So I haven't started. Hey, better late than ever. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply. Welcome back, frickin' freck. Welcome to the jungle. ABC Wednesdays.

2:02Abbott is back. It's gonna be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. You don't think you run this school, but you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle. Freck, guys. All new Wednesdays on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this episode, you'll hear Brian Sermon. I know it's really debauchous for a lot of people, but it was what we had. It's all we had to do. We went out looking, you know? It was like either starve or go hunt. So we went hunting. Now here's the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey folks, this is Kevin in 2026 here to let you know that this episode you're about to hear was first released in June of 2014. Enjoy. Hey. Hello, kids.

3:04This is Risk. The show where people tell true stories, they never thought they dared a share. I'm Kevin Allyson. This is Lee Roosevelt behind me now and we're calling today's episode CD. That's right. These are stories of scumbags and low lives. Oh, people on today's show are very, very nice, but these are stories of being out there in the concrete jungle. They're goons and thugs are packin' me unless they land in the can. In just a bit, we're gonna hear from Jake Hart, a prominent storyteller on the New York City scene these past several years. But before that, we're going to go back in our archives to a show we did in Albany,

4:07a couple years back. And now that I think of it, wasn't that movie Ironweed? With Jack Nicholson and Merrill Streep playing a couple of homeless folks, that was set right up there around in that Albany and Utica part of New York. And so here to tick us back there now is Brian Cermo with a story we call The Blob Mob. My story takes place in the late 90s in downtown Utica, which was my hometown. It was the day before the eve I left for college. So it was my last day in town and all my friends want to take me out for a night on the town.

5:08For anyone that's never been to downtown Utica during the late 90s, it was a pretty dismal place. It was filled with vacant buildings, I think maybe one or two little eateries that weren't great, couple dive bars. And the rest of downtown was filled with either thrift stores, like antique shops, or strip joints. We actually had this great museum, but no one even knew it existed. It's like this great museum in downtown Utica, but no one really went there. I always like to say that if you're in the market for a lap dance and an antique table lamp, that's the place to go, like downtown Utica in the late 90s. So around this time, my friends that are going to pick me up and go downtown, these are friends I grew up with, I'll grow up on the same block. That kind of friends that you have, most people have that, they are the friends that provide the stories that you will tell for the rest of your life whenever you meet new friends.

6:08Needless to say, they're pretty special guys to me, and we're still very close. We all grew up on the same block. We spent all our time together. We did the typical kid things. We played street hockey, played basketball, we played cards. All summer long, we used to have these camp outs and each other's backyard. We would talk about cars and sports. Everyone would talk about, as we started getting older, the conversation obviously started to change, and it moved to girls and sex, which is pretty normal. This is where the big pothole in the road comes along, because we were not the most attractive looking group of guys. Not one of us was under 225 pounds. We were really rough around the edges. We were known, affectionately known, as the blob mob, amongst other groups of friends.

7:10This is just the way it was. Needless to say, we weren't getting much action in high school. I would actually like to thank all the women in the audience right now who gave the fat guy or the nerdy guy or the quiet guy, a little action in high school. That really makes all the difference. They should really put your picture on money. That's how important it is. So where do you go? You're learning everything about yourself at this stage in your life. How do you know where you politically stand? Well you have to have these political experiences. You have to talk to people and meet people. How do you know spiritually where you stand? Well you have to talk to people and meet people and try different things. Well the same thing sexually. You need these experiences. If you're not getting them, you have to go and find them. Our junior and senior year of high school, we discovered or rediscovered downtown Unica.

8:15I'm sorry to say we didn't discover the art museum yet. We discovered the strip joints. If anyone's never been to a strip club, it's like a carnival. I remember when you were a kid and you would go to the carnival and you were just like, wow, there's lights and there's a lot of sparkling things. There's some costumes. It's like this black catwalk and it's got stools around it and you sit down. The only difference is it's like a lot more money for the rides. That's the only difference with the strip joints. This is it man. This is what we're going to do. We've been doing this. This is where we go. Friends are picking me up at nine o'clock. I'm leaving for college tomorrow. We're going to the strip club. They pick me up. We go to the strip club, get in there and we sit at the little chairs that are at the stage and you have to kind of lean forward because the dancers come and they squat down

9:17and they'll put their boobs in your face. If you're too far from the stage, then they can't reach you. So you really got to lean forward. So the problem with this is the inner me, which is totally a rouse because there's a naked woman with her boobs in your face. And it's like the greatest thing. But then there's that other part of your brain. I call it my I was raised Catholic part of my brain. No. And my I raised Catholic part of my brain doesn't just work in emotions like shame and guilt, but it also works in images. And the image I have is unfortunately my mother and grandmother's face. So you can understand my situation here. You have boobs in your face and your mother and your grandmother's face image in your brain.

10:19It's a scary thing. So you have to go back time and time again to the strip club to get used to fighting off that side of your brain. Eventually you can enjoy it. And this was our education. This is how we're going to figure out what it's like to touch a woman, to smell a woman, to see what it's like. And you always got that one friend, my one friend. I'm not going to say his name because I don't want to, he's got kids now, you know, you don't do that. But he's the delusional friend that everyone has. He like he totally forgot that we're paying women to put their boobs in our face. He's like they are in love with me, dude. Mandy wants me, dude. She wants me. No, a Dana wants you, man. She wants me so bad. And you have to remind them that you just paid them $50 to touch your penis. He doesn't, he doesn't understand it. So that's another thing we discovered. The deeper you dug into your pocket for the larger bills, the strippers would follow

11:21and the whole game changed. It was no longer sitting at the catwalk leaning forward. It was like they bring you into the VIP room. Whole different world. And you know, I know it's really debauchress for a lot of people, but it was, it was what we had. It's all we had to do. It was like either starve or go hunt. So we went hunting. So this is it. This is my last night of town at the strip club. All there all night having a great time. It's two o'clock in the morning. We leave the strip club and we're all pumped. We got to testosterone's going. We were women all night. It doesn't matter that we paid them. We were with women. You know, and this night's just beginning. Our plan is now to leave the strip club and go to an after hours breakfast place called Little Louise. And anyone that's listening to this in Newtica, if you were in high school around the late 90s, you know Little Louise. It is the biggest, shittiest hole in the wall. And the best thing he had were home fries with cheddar cheese.

12:25And he would literally take the bucket of cheddar cheese. It was just a can actually. And he would open up the top and he put the can on the grill. So it really liquefied. And then he'd give you a shitload of home fries and he'd pour this plastic-looking yellow cheese on top. And that's what you ate. And it was great. This is how we got to be the blob mob in many ways. So this is our plan. Really even the strip club. We're going to go get something to eat. The night is still young. We had this little game we used to play with each other. And the game was, if there was five of us, four people were in on it and one person was the butt of the joke. I'm leaving for college. It's my turn to be the butt of the joke. So this is what would happen. These guys would like talk about it beforehand. We leave the club. Four guys take off running as fast as the blob mob can run, which isn't very fast. But if you're running away from another blob mob, you're okay. You're okay. You got a good head lead. So four guys run off. They jump in the car and they take off.

13:27And they leave you there stranded on the south road. It doesn't matter where you leave me. It can be leaving the mall or restaurant. Anywhere. It's my turn. But they left me in downtown Utica at like two o'clock in the morning, two thirty in the morning. But I'm not worried because what we do is we just ride around the block. And we beep the horn. And we yell up sendin' these at each other. And I'm like, hey loser, hey asshole. You know, this is what we do for fun. So they'll do it like three or four times. And then eventually they pick you up and they'll say, all right, so I'll just stand on the corner, away from the calm, scream at me, and I'll get my home fries with cheese. Okay, let's do this. You know, but this time they didn't come back. And I'm just standing there and ten minutes goes by and twenty minutes goes by, half hour goes by. I'm like, now this is before cell phones. We didn't have cell phones. We're like 90s with pages, you know, and they're all pages in the hand, you know. And it's funny because you're in a really creepy place. You're kind of worried about your friends. Like what happened to my friends? You know, like they wouldn't just leave me.

14:28All these emotions that I thought I was going to have in the morning when I'm leaving for college for first time, I'm having them the night before with my friends. Like I feel like I've abandoned everyone. Like they've left me and I'm like, I'm on my own and I have to figure this thing out. So I start walking. It's like a two and a half mile walk. You know, blah, blah doesn't walk two and a half miles. It's crazy. You know? So I start walking. And you start thinking, you know, what's going on? Are they all right? All the menhood I had coming out of the strip drive is gone. I'm like a little girl in the street and I lost my mom and I don't know what's going on. And so, you know, I'm physically and emotionally drained by time I get home, you know. I'm really concerned about my friends. I don't know where they are. But I'm just drained and I just kind of crawl in the bed. I fall asleep, you know, next morning I wake up and I'm still concerned. I don't know where these guys are. But at the same time, I'm leaving for college. And I'm really nervous about leaving for college and I'm trying to pack things up and my mother knocks on my door.

15:28And she's like, Brian, I'm like, yeah, she said, did you go out with your friends last night? I'm like, yeah, I think I know the way they are. I'm going to tell I went to the strip club, you know, although she was there in my thoughts. She said, well, did you happen to find out what happened to them? I said, no, I said, I'm kind of concerned and like, a little pissed off to be honest with you. I said, they kind of left me in downtown. I said, I got a walk home last night. Oh, she said, that's because they're in jail. I was like, they're in jail. What happened? This is what happened. They as they left me on the side of the curb to play their joke and go around the block. They took a detour and a road that is known in Utica for where all the prostitutes hang out. They stand out in the corner. This is another thing that males growing up in Utica know. This is where the prostitutes hang out. We made sure that we drove by there quite a bit as teenagers and talked to them, waved to them and harassed them and whatever way we could.

16:31Well they had gone around the corner and my friend driving saw one of these prostitutes and they're not, you know, the prostitutes or Utica prostitutes, you know. And he saw this prostitute and he's like, oh, this is the story I get from them. We don't really know what happened. It's the story they tell everyone. Well, my one friend driving, he pulls over to the side of the road and he starts talking to her. And from all accounts, this is what happened. He leans forward to the window and he asks the woman, how much for three blow jobs, like he's ordering cheeseburgers at McDonald's. And some more talking went on, some more debating went on and all of a sudden these guys tell me, police jumped out of cars. They jumped out of alleyways out of bushes. You know, they got them repelling off roofs, you know, like it's a Bruce Willis movie for them now. And they take them all out of the car.

17:31They arrest all of them. They throw them in the paddy wagon, you know, with all the other johns, like all the really kind of dirty guys that are like down there. I think our mayor was in the back there too. But so they're all in the paddy wagon. They get brought downtown, the car gets impounded and they're all in jail. So I'm just like, my mother's telling me this story and I'm like, what's he got me kidding him, he was going on. And of course, what do I have? I have this total relief. I'm like, this is great. I wasn't in the car because I guarantee you I would have been in that car harassing those prostitutes right along with them. So you know, next morning I pack up the car and I'm going to I'm planning on calling them when I get home later, but they weren't even out of jail yet. They were still in jail. So you know, I'm driving to Albany. And I remember this great relief. I'm on my first day to college, the rest of my life is ahead of me and my friends are being bailed out in jail by their parents first prostitution soliciting, you know, it's

18:32like this crazy like we're like a Tom Wait song, you know. So you know, so it's just this total relief. And this is a great story that we tell each other when we get together still. Like these are still my brothers. These are closest people in my life in many ways. And we always tell the story and it gets better over year of course because it's like 15, 16 years old. But I always remember feeling that tremendous joy of not being with them. But now I feel like I've actually missed out on something. Like I feel like I wasn't there for the whole adventure and I missed out on something great. And so it's hard, but yes, I feel like I missed out on something great in life by not being arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Thank you. Dear listener, have you ever given risk a five star review on Apple Podcasts Spotify

19:42or pod chaser? It makes a big difference. You'll be helping to bring new people to the show. And it's free. Thank you so much. I would say from the age of 19 to about my late 20s that Charles Bukowski was a little little voice in my head. When I was 19 and I was living in Athens, Georgia, I picked up a copy of Charles Bukowski's the most beautiful woman in the world. Everything I read just had an impact of like a fist and the funniest joke I'd ever heard from the saddest man on the planet who again, it was just like, might be horrible, might be funny, but whatever happens, I'm going to get drunk. And that's a philosophy I was like, I will get behind that so much.

20:47Cut to a few years later when I moved to New York in 2005 and I slept in my car for four days. I found a place and then I found a job and then I found a better job a couple months after that. I met some people at this job that needed somebody to live in their sublet their apartment. So I did because I was tired of living in the apartment that I had because bed bugs lose their charm pretty quick. I live with them for a few months until I get fired from the job I had. Then a couple weeks later my roommates go on vacation and then I come for so I eat some of their food and drink some of their bourbon, hoping to pay them back when they get back. But they only go for two days so when I'm not home I come back, I find that they've kicked me out of my apartment and now I'm suddenly homeless. I've got no resources, I sold that car while back and not really any money. I haven't made any kind of friends to speak of that would let me crash their place because I'm the kind of guy who gets kicked out of an apartment over bourbon and pasta-roaning.

21:47So this is kind of terrifying. But then the voice of Mikowsky comes into my head and he's like, well yeah, kind of a set back. But this is also a chance for you to shine. Shine. Yeah, this is, you know what? This is just an adventure. This is going to be a bit. This is going to be a story. It's something. I don't know anybody who's been homeless in New York. This is going to be awesome. This is fun right here. Let's fucking do this. And so when you think like that there's going to be no end to the low points in stupid shit you're going to get into. Case in point first night I walked from my apartment in East Harlem to Siberia bar in Hell's Kitchen where I was hoping to crash at a bartender friends. Siberia bar was just like one of the nastiest bars in New York City at the time. It's not there now. I loved it so much. So many filthy things went on there. That's another story. So I get to Siberia bar and it's not my friend but it's another bartender.

22:48He says, after he hears my story, uh, Jake, that's terrible. Let me, let me buy you drinks. You figured this out the morning. It's like, thanks man. And he does and it's just me drinking for a little while. This dude walks in 26 at the time. He looks about like 10, 15 years older than me. I don't like if Howdy Duty was a serial killer and he sits next to me and I got a vent. So I tell him my story and he says to me, well, you know, kind of looking at me up and down. He's like, that's a terrible story. You know, I live around the corner. Would you like to go back to my place in Smoke and Bowl? And you know, it's obviously, I tell this guy's gay and I'm not, but indoors is indoors. So I just kind of like, not say anything but just give a, sure, you know, kind of vibe to him and we get back to his place. We smoke a bowl. He pulls out of his kitchen cabinet in a corn cob pipe because of course, after we smoke the bowl and bowl shit for a while, he puts it back and he just kind of offhandedly says,

23:48oh man, all those lines I did earlier made me real fucking horny. I know I've let this guy on and I'm trying to be nice about it so I just go, ha ha ha. You know, that's funny dude. I have been eating nothing but ramen for the last two weeks. It's totally killed my sex drive. Without missing a beat, he just says, hmm, you need to eat some protein. Okay. He wanders over to his room. It's got like a railroad apartment and he just sits on the bed and he starts flipping with a TV remote. Now I realize how great this weed is. I am so high and I'm having trouble walking just like saying, hey dude, so you think I could crash in your couch and like I'll figure out my shit in the morning. Oh no, not looking at me just patting the bed. You can sleep right here. I'm like, ha, still trying to be nice. Ha ha, man, it's okay. I can't even sleep next to a woman after I've done having sex with her. I'm weird, right? And by that time I haven't realized that I've walked into his bedroom, into the left. I suddenly see that on the TV is a two naked dudes jerking each other off on a patio couch.

24:49And I'm like, whoa, hey man, this is my thing. I'm kind of uncomfortable with this and he's not looking at me still. He's just like, well, what kind of porn do you like? I'm like, dude, I don't want to watch any porn. I'm not up for sex right now. He's just still not looking. Oh, this is the good stuff right here. What? That's still two dudes fucking. The only difference is there's a woman rubbing herself out next to them and then he just gets up and just kind of comes towards me. He's like, come on, come to bed with me. I was like, I don't want to do it. I'm seriously not gay. Guess he didn't hear me because he just goes, come on, I want a nut. Yo, what? I want a nut. But I'm still feeling bad even though this is scary as shit. So I just go, dude, I'm sorry, I'm not gay. I cannot help you with this. He's like, so you're really not gay? Really not gay? But you never even let a guy suck your dick? Not let another guy suck my dick. I don't believe that. Yo, why is that so hard to believe? Oh, well then you have to go. Oh, okay. And then I leave and I go around the corner and the bartender Steve is closing up shop.

25:50I go, hey Steve, that guy, what? Yeah, he tried to fuck me. Steve's not looking at me, he just pulls down the iron gate and says, yeah, I figured that. The whole month and a half of being homeless was just a series of little things. You'd know Betty who's not homeless thinks about. Like, I'm walking next to the fanciest McDonald's I've ever seen on the Upper East Side one day and a look in the trash can outside. And inside is a unwrapped cheeseburger. I've never seen anything glow so much in my life. I basically kind of just like hold it up like Indiana Jones artifact. Just I'm so happy. I'm literally skipping down the rest of the block with my trash burger in victory. Also, one of the nights when you're sitting and trying to collect your thoughts, it's always something in this city that will just bombard you out of either your depression or your Nirvana. My thing was one night I was sitting on a boulder in Central Park and wondering what my next move was. I hear a shuffling behind me and I turn around. Apparently this is a couple of strangers trying to figure out a blow job exchange that

26:55apparently isn't going too well because dude sees me, turns to me and asks me if I have changed for a five. I don't so I leave and I go find my friend who works at Siberia Bar and he lets me crash at the flat above him. It's a dilapidated kind of abandoned squatters flat that he shares with a couple of heroin addicts and that's why when I entered his flat, I was like, Jesus Christ dude, why is it smell like death in here? And he explained to me that the heroin addicts were doing something called the Irish cure which apparently is the, you boil a bunch of water in a gasoline drum and you stick your abscess arms in the water to pop and cauterize the source. Now did I leave after hearing that? No of course not. Endors is indoors so I lay on this filthy mattress on the floor and I think about everything that's lit up to this point and I also remember what day it is and that's when I can only just chuckle and say to myself, right, happy Easter.

28:03I didn't have a regular bed to sleep in. My sleeping plan for the most part was like either hang out in a bar that I knew they were fine with me just not drinking and sitting in until about 4 a.m. And then wander around for a few hours a night, usually the white castle on eighth avenue. And then when it was daylight out, I'd walk to Bryant Park and I'd sleep in one of those desk chairs they have there for a few hours and then start all over again. Once I slept in a cardboard box and he'll kitchen a couple times so people would let me crash at their place here and there but I'm somebody's homeless friend so they're not going to let me stay any longer than that. And the thing about the people who shout at sidewalks and nothing like their people are there, I discovered the thing is, you know, after staying awake a few nights in a row and just walking around and being completely destitute, you'd think about the people and the things that brought you to that point and you can't yell at them because they're usually not there. You have no other resource but you have to vent so when you see some guys point at the

29:05sidewalk and say, you're 100% crazy. It's somebody else who feels responsible for putting him there. There were points where just like, dude, you've, I think you're close to burning all your bridges. There was, you know, points where I thought, yeah, I'm going to have to break down and maybe call home. You know, my dad, he was kind of against me going up there just because I had no plan to speak up. I had no job lined up. I had no place to really stay. I only had some money saved up and that was it. I didn't even know how to lease an apartment or anything. I still don't. And the idea of like him being right about me failing at living in New York was not an option I was going to deal with. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, I will either die on the sidewalk or I will make it. I will not go back home. New York was just such an amazing city. I was like, I refuse to fucking leave this city. This city is better while I'm homeless than Georgia is when I'm indoors and employed.

30:10I was just like, no, no, no, you will get through this. This is just another story. You just got to ride through it. But that's not even the low point. Lowest point is one day when I had finally scored a job and I was waiting to be put on the schedule. I had gone to my old job, the first job I got in New York, Dallas, BBQ, at 23rd and eighth. And I had heard somewhere that they were opening up the restaurant in Times Square. I just kept going back to my old manager, hey man, you know, if you guys need people over there, I'm your man. Let me know. And so I just kept howling and howling until I finally got hired again. It was a nice day. I was in Midtown by like seventh and 21st Street. And I'm just standing on the corner. I've got no money. It's like, what is my move for today? I look around the corner and I see that there is this giant cardboard box full of styrofoam peanuts. And I get an idea. And I take the box around the corner where everybody's walking around and past. And I tear off the back flap and I take a couple of sharpies I have on me because anything

31:12that I can claim as property at this point is mine and will never leave my sight. That's why homeless people have bags of shit around them all the time. You wonder, what do you have that for? That's why. So I take the sharpies and I scroll something on the flap and then I get a paper cup from a vendor and then I get in the cardboard box. I squat down on my knees and I put the paper cup in front of the other front flap and I hold a sign above my head and the sign says, stupid guy needs change. I sit there for about two hours and make 12 bucks. That's almost minimum wage in 2006. It was great. I was proud of myself. Even at one point there was this middle-aged, long island dude, all clad in denim just comes up to me, stares for a second and says, you're so stupid. Look at you, you're so fucking stupid. And he walks away for like 30 seconds. But then I see him come back and he hands me a dollar and he just tells me, I don't know who's fucking stupid. I'm me, are you? I say thanks, but I just think to myself, well, I got your dollar and stupider is not

32:14a word. So again, I do this for two hours. I would have done it longer except a police van suddenly pulls up in front of me. He walks up to me, it doesn't really say anything. He just folds his arms disapprovingly, looks down, a little confused and just asks me, so what, you'll lose a bet? And I didn't let go of the sign at all or raise up. I just go, no, I just got kicked out of my apartment. And he's like, well, you can't stay here. So take your box and take your sign and go across the street. So what, it's legal across the street? He says, no, it's just a different precinct. No, fuck it. I take the box across the street, but I've already got 12 bucks. That's a good day's wages and homeless idiot land. So I decide, now I'm going to get a couple dollar cheeseburgers and then treat myself. That's how I end up with a fosters can in my hand, my second, inside and eighth avenue jack-off booth. For the uninitiated, a jack-off booth is booths inside adult entertainment stores that you can go into.

33:16There's a TV screen, put a couple dollars in a slot, watch some porn, rub one out, and then leave. I discovered these when I was living in hell's kitchen because I didn't have a computer and I'm a huge porn addict. I started watching these, but I have this really repressive kind of serial killer nature brain. So like, I would go in the booth, but I wouldn't jack off because I thought that was wrong. My brain was like, I like the naughty thing, but the naughty thing's naughty mother, mother. So, you know, the thing I did was I would go to the booths, I'd watch the porn, maybe kind of rub myself a little through my pants. And then I just immediately, because I lived around the corner, go back to my place and just jerk off there. You know, I'm just like, don't forget, don't forget. So like, cut back to where I am now drunk in the eighth avenue jack-off booth. And I'm just like sitting there, kind of just like, well, yeah, this is kind of low, but you know what? I'm already here and I'm going to treat myself. But I'm trying to like salvage some kind of dignity in this situation. So I'm just like, I'm still not going to jerk off in the booth, but I'm just really going

34:18to rub myself through my jeans. Yeah, that'll do the trick. But the thing is, I haven't been, you know, jerking off like I normally have through this entire month and a half, because, you know, again, you know, I live outdoors and you can only go to Barnes & Noble so many times. So it's been building up and building up inside me. So apparently it only takes a few rubs against my chains before, oh shit, oh god, oh god, oh god, I'm going to come. Oh, this is going to happen. And like, I try to think fast. I stand up and I try to like loosen, you know, pull my pant leg away from my leg because they're pretty loose because I'm walking around in this whole time. I think that I could just like make a load splash on the floor through the leg. But unfortunately my socks are really loose too at this point and my aim is off. So the load goes straight down into my sock. I believe I'm the only guy I know who's ever jerked off into a sock that's still on his foot. And you know, it's going down my foot and it's getting inside my show. And the voice, you know, comes back in my head and he asks me, you having fun?

35:26And I had to say no, I wasn't. Ultimately it was worth it because you know, it's one of my regular stories to tell and I got so many glimpses into different parts of life that you'd never normally see. Lot of empathy for some arenas and less patience with others. I went back to my old landlord when I first got to New York because he was like this slum lord named Tony. He was a total cartoon. He's like fat Italian and a wife beater actually beat his wife when he wasn't banging his other teenage girlfriend and doing heroin. Yeah, it was the kind of apartments that Bikowski used to live in in his riding. So I was like equally proud that I got through that. And I was like, all right, well, I guess it's back to the bed bugs. But hey, indoors is indoors.

36:39I was here in the world, the world that you gave me time. You could say it's your honor that I can go back on a street. This is risk. This is the war on drugs behind me now. Music intern Jason Josephs introduced me to this song and we just heard from Jake

37:41Hart. Our final story today comes from our recent trip to Washington, DC. Got a lot of wonderful stories that night also. So here now is Kathy Smith with a story we call grave danger. I am exactly who you think I am when you look at me. But I used to be really into drugs.

38:47So all of my friends now, they spent their 20s like getting their PhDs and going to work for the feds and now they're retiring with pensions and second homes and I did not and I am not. Because when I was in my 20s, which was in the early 70s, I was admitted, I hung out with a group that was just really interrecreational drugs. I mean, we weren't addicted to anything. We didn't shoot up, cracked it and even exist yet. Who knew there would be something called ecstasy. But we just really like to smoke a lot of pot. And if we really wanted to have full mind body experience, we would drop acid. So if you've never dropped acid, there are like two kinds of acid trips. There are good acid trips and there are bad acid trips. Now a good acid trip is so awesome, so psychedelic.

39:51Like I remember this one time dropping acid and I laid on my bed and I looked at the headboard of my bed and I was watching the wood grain just like undulate and I thought, wow, you know, it does this all the time. I'm just not aware enough of it to notice. You know, this is awesome. Everything was just so intense and I went to the beach one time and I'm standing on the shore and just watching the waves come in and go out. And like for hours, I am staring at the surf and thinking that there's a message in the bubbles. You know, just like looking for the message, you know. So that's what like a fun acid trip is like. It was just so much fun. Bad acid trip, not so much fun. So when you have a bad acid trip, it's not because the acid is bad.

40:52It's because you're in a situation that suddenly has gone bad. So for instance, this one time I'm with my two friends, Greg and David and we drop acid and we're in this house and they were friends with benefits before there was ever the term friends with benefits. So they're kind of noodling, you know, on the couch and stuff and neck and stuff and I'm starting to feel really like the third wheel and like I really don't belong here and I start to get really sad. Finally, it becomes obvious to them that I'm like really sad and David says to me, you know, we've been looking forward to this for a long time. And if you are going to be a downer, I really think you should go somewhere else. So I call my friend Sandra and I'm like, you know what, I'm having a bad trip. I'm like crying, you know, I'm like hysterical. I'm like, you know, when you have a bad trip, it's I mean, people would throw themselves out windows when they were having a bad acid trip. I mean, that's what happened and I did not want that to happen to me.

41:53So she came and she took me away and she talked me down. So I tell you all this so that you will know the utter stupidity inherent in the story I'm about to tell you. So I'm a senior at Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh and I hate school. I am so sick of school. I just can't stand it. So I say to my housemate, why don't we hitchhike out to my friend Cherry's farm and we'll just hang out there for the day. And she says, well, I don't know. I have all the schoolwork to do. And I say, yeah, but I have a tab of acid and like we could share it and it'll be really fun. She says, well, okay. So I take this little tiny square of construction paper that's got the little dot of LSD in the middle of it and I cut it in half and we each put it on our tongues. It's not a lot of acid. So it's not going to last like 10 hours or anything. But by the time we've put on like our boots and our coats and our scarves and our gloves

43:03and everything. It's so cold in Pittsburgh on a March day. You know, and finally we walk outside and it's like sky is brilliant blue and the trees are these black silhouettes against the sky. And we are just like, oh my god, we're walking down the street. We're like smiling at people. You know, and they're like looking at scans at us. And we finally get down to the street where I think we're going to be able to get picked up and nobody's picking us up because it's like 11 o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. So finally we walk about six blocks. We go down to this intersection. That's really big. It's like five streets that come together. And we put out our thumbs. And just a little while, there's this white van that comes down from the other direction and makes a U-turn and pulls right in front of us. Now if we hadn't been altered, it might have occurred to us that it's probably a little

44:05strange. If somebody was not going in your direction, decides to turn around and pick you up. But we were altered. You know, so the van pulls up and I'm already cold, right? I don't like to be cold. And there are these two young black men in the front of the van. They're like our age. You know, they look like the guys in my neighborhood. And so the side door opens and I jump in. My friend Cindy, who is Jewish and from Long Island, hesitates. But then she sees that I'm already in. So she gets in. And the side door closes. And right away we realize all is not well here. First of all, there are no seats in the back of this van. We are sitting on overturned milk crates. All of the windows in the van are painted black. And there's a piece of plywood that's been erected behind the front seat of the van. So that the only light coming into the van is on either side of this plywood like about an inch and a half of light.

45:07It is really dark in there. And I'm starting to like feel a little freaked out. But then right beside, you know what, it's up to me. You know, it's up to me to just make sure this is going to be really fine. So I'm looking through this little crack, you know, on the side where this bright sunshine is coming in. And I say to the driver, you know, it would be really great if you could just take us to the entrance to the Highland Park Bridge. Because I'm sure you don't want to go over the river and we'll just take it from there. And he says, okay. And then I try to chat him up. I'm like, hey, you know, I went to Peabody High School. Where did you go? He says, Homewood Brushton. Oh my God, you guys used to kick our asses all the time in football. Yeah, I know. So, you know, I'm trying to be like friendly with them. And they're not being like real talkative, but I don't really get like a hostile vibe either, you know. And then I hear Cindy say, I really don't appreciate that. And I certainly hope you will not say anything like that again.

46:08And I'm like, these guys haven't said anything. And so I turn around and I realize there are three more guys in the back of the van. Now, it's really closing in on me, you know. But I'm determined like this is not going to go downhill, right? I am going to have the situation in hand. So I'm looking out through my little crack there, you know, at the front window and he's going exactly where I asked him to go. He's going down the Gleavenews through Highland Park. He gets to the Highland Park Bridge and he passes it by. And I say, listen, it would be really great if you would just let us off right here, you know, that would be just great. And he says, I need to make a U-turn. And I say, okay. So he goes down to the next traffic light and he turns left. But instead of making a U-turn, he makes a left up this really steep hill. And I know that at the top of this hill is a cemetery and a VA hospital. And I don't want to be at either of these places with these guys.

47:12So he's going up the hill and he makes a left turn and ends up on this one block long dead end street. And he is pissed. This is not where he wants to be. So he's like, got to do a three point turn in this really long white van, right? So he's like pulling back and pulling up and pulling back and the back doors of the van like pop open. And we are so shocked. We do not get out. So you know, the guys in the back pull the door shut and he like pulls up and he backs up again really hard and the doors fly open again and we jump out. And we're standing out in the sunshine and we're like, oh my God, that was so weird. I go, holy cow, I'm so glad we're out of there and we're hugging one another. We're laughing really nervously, you know? And then we realize the van has not gone anywhere. The van is still right in front of us. There's no other way off the street like to the left of us is this hill which is like

48:14alt dirt. And to the right of us is this little row of townhouses which is like down about six steps so that they're actually lower than the street and there's no sidewalk. So sending an Irish standing there and we're waiting for the van to go and the van doesn't go. Finally, the side door opens and one of these guys leans out and holds out my gloves and he says, you forgot your gloves and I say, keep them. I don't need the gloves. It's fine. He says, no, it's really. I'll just put them right here on the floor and you can just come up and get them. I look at Cindy and she's like, no. And I say, you know what, they're my only gloves, you know, like I'm cold. And she says, okay, we'll go up there together. So we walk up to the van and I bend down to pick up my gloves. And when I look up, there is a gun right in my face and he says, get back in the van

49:18and I go, I throw myself back and I knocks into the ground and I turn around and I start to run and I am like jumping over hedges and I'm jumping over real wings and I all I can think of as this thing a friend of mine once said, if somebody comes at you with a knife if you should run because chances are they don't know how to throw it. But if somebody comes at you with a gun, you should attack because they can get you coming or going and I'm running, I'm thinking, come in or going, you can get me coming or going and you can come in or going, I'm jumping over these hedges and I'm running down these steps to this tile houses and I start banging on the storm doors like I'm banging and banging and banging. Finally, I completely bust the glass in the storm door. And the inside door opens and there is a slightly older black man who looks like he has been sitting in his like bark allowns you are watching TV. He has got a t-shirt on, pants with like no belt, no shoes and socks and he goes, what the hell? I say there are these guys, they are up in the van, they have got a gun, they have got my

50:20friends, Cindy, Cindy, Cindy. And he looks up, he leans his head out and I see him make eye contact with this young man in the van like up the hill. He goes, get the hell out of my neighborhood and they do. The van door closes and they take off, I don't know where Cindy is. I can hear her voice. Kathy, Kathy and it sounds like it's receding and I'm screaming, I'm like screaming her name and all of a sudden she comes running around from the back of these townhouses. And again it's like we are crying, we are hugging, oh my god that was so scary, holy cow. And our hero is like who is going to fix my window? So I wish I could tell you that I never hit tight again but we hit tight right off that hill right over to the farm. And I wish I could tell you that had never done another drug again but I was stupid for

51:21way longer than I needed to be. But I'm really happy to be able to tell you that who you think you see when you look at me right now is exactly who I am. Thank you. You better go, Bill. You better know my dress is torn, you have a black eye, you got from a given kind. But your coat is big and I am worn by a mask if I can walk you on. I'm like the gravel under a shoe, the sky doesn't clarify, simple as something of a mystery, no good making sense to make. But I don't know how many girls I am, oh like some are sick to hire, you are the reason so I buy a straw.

52:24I'm gonna rescue you, so you can rescue me too, but get on day with me. That's right now, that's right now, that's right now, that's right now. I'm gonna rescue you, so you can rescue me. That is all for this week's episode folks, this is Mr. Little James. Now I'm gonna wrap up this episode here and prepare to go to London, England for our first show overseas. And with that I guess I should just say folks today's the day. Take a risk.

53:35I'm gonna get on day with you. I'm gonna miss your smile, you twilight open, but it's gonna last here. And we ain't over, that's right. I'm gonna rescue you, I'm gonna rescue you too, but get on day with you. That's right now, that's right now. My toes were like cracked and yellow at this point. If you like, puncture them fluid came out. At that point I started narrating what was happening in the bathtub like I was a character from Sin City. Like I was like, I looked at my toe, it was yellow cracked and it was like, I just foot fucked a dead horn in Newark.

54:44So, that was fun. Welcome back, frickin' frack. Welcome to the jungle, ABC Wednesdays. Abbott is back. It's gonna be the best year yet. Thank you, now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. You don't think you run this school, but you got it. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle, right guys? All new Wednesdays on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. Fall never arrives all at once. Verse the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf, because you don't simply step into the season.

55:46You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.