Other people’s problems ( Hilary McBride )

0:00Hey, this is StrongBerryOneClick, Celebrity Anderson. How y'all doing out there today? I hope everybody is doing well. If you're not doing well, let's find a way to get well, look well, and of course you already know it be well. Right now we are going to tune in to other people's problems. Hosts it by Hillary, May bride. I just feel like the way she manages makes me feel like she doesn't respect me, I'm not good at what I do. The way she makes me feel is like she's like policing me on the back. And I hate that. What's the way she makes you feel? Can you tell me just a little bit more about what you're sensing even now as you talk about it? Like a lack of trust. Tell me about you. Um, so that's a story. Yeah. Right, that has an impact for you that she doesn't trust you.

1:00What's it actually like on the inside? In our work together, we're to let go of that perfectionism, but to live from a place of knowing that she is already enough. So today she's coming into therapy, talking about how her manager treats her. Work is so important. We spend so many hours of our day at work, thinking about work. And when people in positions of authority over us do things that don't feel so good, it has a huge impact on our quality of life. But what I'm also suspecting is that there's something going on here that's connected to an underlying dynamic. I always want to remember that the client is telling me something I need to know, something about what's important to them or something that's happened to them in the past, even when they're not saying it like that. I know I'm asking this in lots of different ways,

2:01but can you come into your body in this moment? Just notice what's happening in your body right now as you're talking about that situation over there. Yeah, like I feel this tension right here. Just even talking about it. I'm just like, oh, like, yeah, okay, can we just be with this? This thing you pointed to kind of your solar plexus here. It's just like interweaved into like, okay, yeah. Yeah, I love that interweaved into I'm picturing it going into your organs. Totally like my organs and my like tendons and like it's just like there. Yeah. Okay. Just about a curiosity. What's it like for us to spend this much time paying attention to that sensation of what's happening to it? Hard for me. Yeah. Tell me what's hard about it for you. Just connecting to, yeah, like over our therapy sessions become so where, how I struggle to connect with my body and also how I like shut my emotions off.

3:06Like sometimes I feel completely out of control of my emotions and I'll cry at a time where I'm like, no, I don't want to cry. No, I just want to tell you what I think of that example. And then sometimes I'll feel it. And I'm just like, yeah, maybe we could say it this way. It's been a long time. Maybe decades. Yeah. Since something came up and it was allowed to come up and there was someone there to help you deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. I think about what it's like to be alone as a kid. Oh, I'm noticing. Yeah. Can you stay with that for a moment and tell me what's happening? Yeah, I think in some ways that's relieving because it's like, it's not just this random abnormality. Right. Yeah, it was like a function or an adaptation of like, okay, like just shut it down because there's not anyone. Yeah. Yeah.

4:06When she was really young before her parents got divorced, there was lots of conflict in the home. And that's really distressing for a kid. It shapes the way that our brains and nervous systems develop. But then after the divorce, while it was great that there was no conflict anymore, she was living with her mom and her mom was never around. In fact, there was often no food in the house and sometimes her mom would be gone for days. This is something that we think about as being a kind of major childhood neglect because life can feel unbearable when we're a kid and we don't understand what's going on and where our next meal comes from. These things can overwhelm us and we might need to find a way to manage the pain of all of that. In the present, what we can see in Lacey's life is that she's a really hard time being present, feeling, staying with her feelings. And that kind of presents us a kind of anxiety. At the same time, Lacey found a lot of comfort in the development of an eating disorder. The eating disorder serves a purpose in some way.

5:08A lot of times it comes in to give us agency when life around us feels totally out of control where we feel powerless and like we're lacking voice. And now as a mom of daughters herself, she's determined not to pass on some of the patterns that in her life were so painful for her. The day after I was here last time, I picked up a dance and she was like, why am I so fat? And it broke my heart because I was like, oh my god, how am I? So she was in dance and she was like, my body is so fat. Why am I fatter than everyone? And it was so overwhelming. I think God we're in the car. So I can just drive and be like, I have such fear that my patterns, I'm bringing that to my children. I think a mad that it's part of me and that I'm potentially going to pass that on.

6:11Yeah. So previously there had been this thing, this older plexus, drops down, gets interwoven with organs and tendons. Can you tell me sensation wise what's happening now? Yeah. And a deep breath is hard. I'm definitely breathed really shallow. And I just from my perspective, I'm just the lighting in you and the transformation, even in our time together that I've seen as short as it's been. I think about our second session, it was really hard for you to be in silence and be still. That was all sorts of discomfort came up and it felt really like foreign. And then you're just like relaxing into your body. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And deep breaths are still hard, but it's like I'm much more able to just try instead

7:14of overthinking. Yeah. Okay. We're just going to sit back to something for a second. Yeah. I just shared with you that I am the, oh there it is. I'm delighting in you. Can you just tell me about your experience appearing? You say that this morning? It's so hard. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I were to visualize it, it's like putting up like a, and not a wall, but like a shield. Like, it's like I need something for it to bounce off. Yeah. I feel some sadness. Do you have control over the shield? It's such a quick, like it's like there before I even know. Yeah. Is that like, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Can we try an experiment? Yeah. I want you to visualize the shield going up. Okay. So see it there.

8:14Yeah. I like to feel it. Okay. You can feel it. Yeah. Okay. And can you, can you experiment with moving it a little bit with your mind? Like to the side or a little bit down or like maybe you let your, your eyes appear. Like over the top. Yeah. Or maybe sometimes what we need is an experience of something that we think is scary. To realize that the story we were telling about it isn't what's actually true. And that can help us in the future kind of change our reaction. Okay. Are you ready? Okay. I am delighting in you and the transformation that I've witnessed in you over our time together and your ability to be present and in silence. It's pretty remarkable. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. Tell me a little about your inner process. Um, yeah. Like it's almost like a vomit feeling like it's like right here. Wow. Okay.

9:15Yeah. Can we go into that? Yeah. Is it still there enough that you could get interacted with it? Okay. And can you close your eyes? Yeah. And just stay with that sensation. And I just want you to ask that sensation if it has something to say. It's like you don't deserve that. Okay. Yeah. So let's just stay with you. Not deserve that. And stay with that sensation in your throat. And I want you to see if your body will take us back to when you felt that first to something from a long time ago. And give me a nod when you have something. You might be wondering when you're listening to this audio, what's going on here? And why am I asking her to go back to the earliest memory when we're actually talking about something that's happening in the present? Our nervous system's file and memories according to emotion. Often when these memories are painful, it's because something didn't happen back then for us to know we were safe. So in therapy, we can go back to some of those experiences and drop in something corrective.

10:19We could change, give a part of ourselves something that we didn't have then, something that was missing before. But to figure out where the early psychological injury is, we need to track the connection between the present moment reaction and what it's linking to from a long time ago. Okay. Okay. Can you tell me roughly how old you are? Maybe three. Okay. So with your eyes closed still, can you stay in that memory at three and just tell me a little bit about what's happening where you are? It's like I'm sitting at the top of the stairs with my sister and we're supposed to be in bed. And there's lots of yelling and fighting downstairs between my parents who were together then. Okay. And what happens in your body is you're remembering that. Like fear, so like tension.

11:19Yeah. Okay. Can you tell me how about the memory at four? Yeah. I broke my leg and coming home like in a cast and then my parents having a huge fight about like not calling or how could this have like that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what happens in your body right now? I'm remembering that. Tension from like being the problem. Yeah. Okay. Or being the reason. Okay. Can you hold those memories side by side three and four? Mm-hmm. Just tell me, tell me where your body tells us we need to go this morning. It's almost like there's a ball. Yeah. It's like I feel the ball but it's empty. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to ask you to square yourself in the chair. Okay.

12:20When we have experiences that are overwhelming to us, we don't have someone there to help us integrate the experiences or make sense of it or help us know that the experience is over. It's almost like it becomes locked in a place within us. It's like this, we have this preserved pathway within us that tells us the story that the danger is still happening. And then something happens in our adult lives that's similar enough to the details connected to that original hurt. And all of a sudden we find ourselves reacting. And those reactions don't necessarily just happen in our thinking and what we're saying, but often show up first in our bodies. And we don't feel necessarily like we're adults in that moment. We're kind of back there. We feel in our bodies like we're in that really young neural network. So the brain has plasticity. It can change. Our brains are wired to heal. It's actually written into us that we can heal. We just need some of the right ingredients to know that we're here in the present and

13:21not stuck back there. And that we're actually safe right now. There's a bunch of different ways to do this. The one that I'm using here is called lifespan integration where we go back and connect parts of ourselves. Like we're building a bridge between the stuck neural network and the new adult neural network. We use a timeline that you'll hear in Lacey's story to do this. What's fascinating about doing this kind of therapy and I've had this experience receiving this kind of therapy as well is that people often say things like, I feel my age after doing it or like I feel like an adult. Instead of that feeling that so many of us carry around where we're kind of faking being an adult but we really still feel like we're 14 inside. It seems that after doing this therapy there's a sense of, wow, I've been through some things and I can actually take care of myself because I'm an adult now. I want you to go back to being three. You're at the top of the stairs with your sister and there's all of that fighting happening

14:23downstairs. And right away bring your present-day self into that memory. You go up to that three year old and tell her that you're her but all grown up. And what does she need from you in this moment? For your shirts. Okay, so give her some reassurance. Just see yourself doing that. Yeah, okay, let's go somewhere that feels really safe. Can you tell me where you want to take her? Somewhere outside of time. Like maybe to a really super peaceful place. To keep it going. Yeah, okay. So I want you to see yourself there with her and notice how she's moving in this space. She's curled up next to you. Or if she's running around, but yeah, good. Oh, I can see all that emotion.

15:26And if you can offer her something that she needs, maybe some attention and presence, I see her. Yeah. You mean in a sense where you see her? But she feels safe. That's right. That's good. Yeah. I know what you'd tell her. Tell her some things she needs to hear. Like that must have been so scary to see your parents fighting like that. And just give me a nod when you're done. Yeah, okay. And then I want you to tell her that you're going to show her the story of how she grows up to be you. That that's so important for her. Because she knows she's not stuck there anymore. And it's so important for you to get back some of the parts that got lost when everything was so scary and that you had to shove things down. And you can show her these images in a photo book on a TV screen.

16:35It doesn't matter as long as you're there and she's there. And I'm going to read you a memory queue. I want you to share it with her and then just give me a nod when you're done. Okay. Okay. So with your three year olds, can you share with her your grandparents farmhouse opening the suitcase and grandpa feeding cats? Daycare early drop off. What you're about to hear is me walk through something with Lacey called a memory queue timeline. Dad gets remarried. Before I start doing this kind of therapy, I have my patients create a timeline of their lives with at least one memory from every year of their lives. And period, getting your period at summer camp. And show her taking the abnormal sight glass, sitting in the middle of a 300 section microphone. Ideally, the memories are neutral or positive. And in fact, when they're neutral, they remind the nervous system that everything wasn't always bad,

17:37that there were these glimmers and moments where she felt connected or there was something that actually just felt safe and average. Wedding on that beautiful sunny day. The miscarriage ultrasound on your home. Yeah, and then something from today. And bring your little girl self, your three year old, into your home where you live now. And imagine if you were to walk her through the front door of giving her the tour of your home. I've lost her. You lost her when happened. Oh. So can you find her somewhere? Yeah, okay. Where is she? Back in the field. Ah, good. Let's go get her. Okay. And bring her in through your front door.

18:39And then you can see her. Bring her in through your front door. Yeah. And maybe now if you want to take her into your bed, yeah. And just wrap your arms, your whole body around her. Here as I'm coaching Lacey to connect with her younger self, I'm seeing this while immediately tears come to her eyes, but almost like a painful expression on her face. Her shoulders slump down. But I don't necessarily know yet what's going on. My sense is that there's this mix of relief, of feeling connected to herself, and some sort of release of old pain, of feeling alone. Can you tell her this is where she lives now? And maybe the two of you get really silent together and you notice there's no yelling.

19:45So just pull her really close to you again and tell her, tell her you love her, tell her she's safe now. Tell her you're never going to let her be in an experience like that ever again. Yeah. Just see yourself gazing at her, offering her all of that delight that I was offering you earlier. That's right. Then when you're ready, you can tell her, we're just going to take a little break and you'll be back to visit her. You can take a big breath. And open your eyes. Yeah. Yeah, what's happening? It's just so overwhelming that relief of feeling. Yes. And then the realization when we came to my house of like

20:49the chaos in a good way, like the dog barking, the music play, like the, and realizing how quiet my home was. Like it was like me and my sister. Like that was it. So it's just amazing, like just the noise and then our house is just alive. A life. So to realize, wow, so that that sounds like contrast all over the place, like her being seen. Yeah. Instead of invisible or feeling safe, instead of afraid, her being a part of, part of something is living organism of your family. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think I just, in those moments, when I was a kid, I so wanted the quiet and I didn't want parents there and I prayed, but how much I longed for like a home. Of course. Yeah. Like to realize we had a house that was no home. So when I bring my young self into my home, it's like,

21:49yes, there's people here and it's like a household of love. And yeah. Yeah. But I just picture my dog running to the door when we open the door and like, his whole body is shaking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that sense I'm hearing you say of not realizing until now. Like almost like I didn't want to know what I was missing. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think I really knew that that existed. And that makes me really sad. Yeah. Did I have no idea that you could feel that love? I mean, I knew I love my sister and I knew but to feel loved and like from an adult, I think I only knew and I know, actually, that my mom really does and does. Of course. But it was just so chaotic. Yeah. She did her very best. And I have such a hard time holding that.

22:50Like feeling like I should have empathy for what she was experiencing. So that's the great fit. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That it looks like grief on your face. Like your face looks pained. Yeah. In some way, like there's an acknowledgement of everything that was missing. Oh. Oh yeah. That looks like it's so painful. Yeah. It feels really empty. Yes. Yeah. But I didn't know that love. Yeah. It helps me understand so much, I think. I've just my lack of capacity for things like school. And like I struggled in school so hard. And I couldn't think I could really focus because I was like, I think I felt really empty. Yeah. Wow. You said something just a few moments ago about not realizing in some ways how much you were missing.

23:53And that just reminds me of where we started with us today. The shield goes up to keep out the isolation of the and with yourself and in yourself. As the shield comes down, as we go back and do some of this work. Oh, there's an awareness of what what's been lost in the effort to protect yourself in those ways. Yeah. And just how that's impacted like how I am in my relationships. And I wouldn't choose different in terms of who I'm married to. And like I, but to realize like the the wall that I have up. I know that there are actually more clinical words for it. But for the purpose of working with my patients, I often tell them that this specific experience of feeling seen and having the wall come down is grilief.

24:56It's a word I made up to mix grief and relief. And I think it happens when we get something in the present that we didn't get back then. And our body seems to respond by letting some of our defenses down. We know in those moments we don't have to do it all on our own anymore. But then we can also feel the sadness about how long we had to carry those defenses around and what it cost us. So there's this mix of pain and the relief of letting go. Can you locate the three-year-old inside of yourself? Could you invite her here? Tell me where she... Ah, this you bear? Okay, so if I have a conversation with her? Okay. I am so glad you were here.

25:58I'm so proud of you. I want you to know that you are so loved. You are so loved. You are so good. You are so worth seeing. You matter. All sorts of things that we want to protect you and help you so you don't feel so scared and alone. Because you are so deserving of being loved. What's happening to her? Well, I just don't think anyone ever said that. That's right. Yeah. And so what's she doing hearing me say that? She's not dating with that? She's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

26:59Does that feel like enough for this moment or does she want to hear more? No, I think that's good. It's enough. Okay. Yeah. We all long to be seen and we talk about being seen lots. But a lot of times we don't even understand what that means or why it's so important. When we're young and we're developing neuropsychologically as children, we learn to see ourselves through the gaze of the other. To be seen or sometimes what we call an therapy feeling felt helps us know that we exist and it helps us develop a working model of who we are in the world. It's through the attunement of another person like a parent and they're mirroring back to us what they see in us like I can see how sad you are or wow you're so excited.

28:01It's through that that we learn to notice, feel and name our inner experiences and actually develop a sense of ourselves. Lacey experienced a profound lack of attunement growing up and her parents who were not around, she never got the experience of being deeply attuned to. I want her to experience me experiencing her to help all of the parts of her nervous system that developed in those really lonely and overwhelming times. To know that in this moment she's here with me and she's