More Happier: How Do People Know What To Do? Plus Making Friends at the Gym

0:00Lemonado. Hello! We are here for more Happier A Podcast where we get happier. It is the weekend, so it's observations and reflections with a bit of a loose survive. Hey, Elizabeth! Hi, Grach! Today we'll talk about a question I have about what people do in a certain situation. And look at that gym friends! But first something making us happier. Elizabeth, what's something making you happier? Well, Grach, I'm reading a book called This Vast Enterprise which is a new history of the Lewis and Clark Expedition. And it's interesting because the reason it's making me happier is because I've realized that when I read history books, I feel very connected to Dad.

1:05Oh, I get it. Yeah, because you know, Dad loves reading history books. He had an incredible memory. He would read stuff and remember all the details. He really enjoyed it. And since he's been gone, I've realized that I'm more inclined to read history books now. And I kind of pinpointed, oh, the reason I feel more inclined toward them is because it really does feel like an activity I'm doing with Dad. That is so interesting. I know exactly how you feel. There's a new book out called 1873 and I was reading about it and I just thought, oh my gosh, this is exactly the kind of book. That he would have loved and then he would have read it and then he would have told us all the most interesting bits. That's exactly. So I can completely see reading it as a way to engage with him in your imagination. Now, was there something about Lewis and Clark that drew you to it in a dad way?

2:11You know what? I think he did read a book or was it he and mom both read the book about Audubon? Oh, which was also kind of an exploration book. But why did this one cross your desk? Well, you know, I just, I had read a list of like, you know, whatever 25 nonfiction books to read this year. And it was on it and it appealed to me and I could imagine Dad reading it. And you know, American history is just always so interesting. But one thing I realized is that when I'm actually reading, it almost feels like he's there. It's like a physical feeling of like we're reading it together, which is funny because you never did that while he was alive. I know. So it's just something I never would have seen coming. I didn't set out to be like, oh, a way to connect with Dad would be to read a history book. But it's more like maybe a book appealed to me, maybe for that reason subconsciously.

3:11And then I read it and then I kind of have realized that. And Gretchen started, I guess I read this book, The Rec of the Mentor about a whaling ship that wrecked. And while I was reading that, I had this feeling of Dad's presence and feeling close to him that way. And so that put me on this path of reading history books. Oh, that's so nice. Well, it's funny. It's one of the books that he had been reading recently was The Party's Interest Come First. And he talked about it a lot. And I thought, well, maybe I should read it too so we could talk about it. And then I just never did. But I'm going to try that too. I'm going to pick a history book. And maybe I'll read 1873 because when I read it, I was like, oh, Dad would love this book. Well, maybe I would love that book. And I can read it and kind of hear him in my head telling me what he thinks about it. Or like what would catch his interest. There are always certain things that he would tell you about. Yes. But that's very comforting. You know, reminds me of the thing about the bench.

4:12We didn't realize how much Dad liked benches and how much we associated Dad with benches. But now that's like a big thing for the three of us is this association with the bench. So it's kind of nice to know that our relationship can continue to evolve and we can find new ways to connect over time, things that we didn't expect. Yes. That's very comforting. It is comforting. Oh, that makes me happy too. All right, Grouch, what about you? What is making you happier? Okay. So this is related to Jamie. So we were in Nova Scotia with some good friends on a trip and we were on a rocky beach and I discovered the Jamie can skip rocks. And I had no idea. I was like, how have we been married all these years? I never knew you could skip rocks. He's like, is so easy to skip rocks. Like, why would I mention that? I'm like, well, I can't add skip rocks. And this is something wherever since I was little and I would read about it in a book. It's like a very often mentioned thing. People doing it. People are learning how to do it. It was just, it always felt like writing a unicycle or something.

5:15It's not that it's impossible, but am I going to take the time to learn how to do it? No. Is it cool? Yes, it is. And he just did it so casually. So did you have him try to teach you? Yeah. Well, a few times within we had to go. So it wasn't like I could really sit down. It's, you know, in 20 minutes, could I do it? You have to pick the right rock. Blah, blah, blah. So I did not do it. And also I will say by Jamie, he has many wonderful qualities. He's the kind of guy who's going to sit there and coach you on learning to skip rocks for 20 minutes. Probably not. So I've just decided I'm just going to delight. But just like we were talking about, there's still new things to discover. Here he pulled this out of a hat. I had no idea. I love that. He doesn't think it's a big deal, but I find it very pleasing. Yeah, so that's impressive. Have you ever tried to, have you ever tried to skip rocks? I've tried. I've never managed to do it. That's for sure. See, I thought it was kind of hard to do. I thought it was something that was, yeah, I think not easy because he was sort of like,

6:17oh, no, it's very easy. But I don't know. Well, easy for him, not easy for us. But wait, you know, in other news, something that is not making me happier, but I'm going to work on it is I've kind of fallen out of the habit of being able to whistle. I was trying to whistle. And I'm like, what happened in my whistle? I'm out of practice. I didn't know that it was something that you had to keep up with. I guess I just hadn't tried to whistle in a really long time. And I actually was reading about somebody learning to whistle. So then I started whistling and I'm like, what happened in my whistle? Oh, yeah. It's pretty, oh, yes, pretty good. The thing is it's coming back. Oh, good. So practice makes perfect. But it's perfect. Right, but it's one of these things that don't let your rock skipping skills lag and keep up with your whistling. And you know, there are all these little things. They say you never forget how to ride a bike. And I'm like, is that true? When was I last on a bike? I don't know. It's been a long time. I feel confident that I could ride a bike, but it's been a while since I got on a bike.

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10:27Find the fall pieces you'll reach for most at quince. Download the quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash gretchen. Free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash gretchen. Okay, we are back. There's something you've been meaning to ask me. Okay, so you know how we've been having so much fun with this series of how do people know things? It's like how do people know that you don't need to buy the whole bunch of bananas or how do people know that you can tell what side of the car the gas tank is on because if you look at the indicator in your dashboard, it's got like a little arrow on it. All these things. Okay, so helpful. There's so many things that everybody thinks everybody else knows and people don't know. Okay, so adjacent question, which I was asking myself, which is how do people know what other people do? Like what do people do in this situation? How do people view this situation? For instance, I think a very insignificant but common way this comes up is there seems

11:30to be this debate that fires up every once in a while, which is if you are putting a toilet paper roll, do you make it so that the paper flows over and down or under and then people are like, well, you want to do it over so it doesn't spin itself out or blah, blah, blah. Anyway, whatever. How do people do things? Is there conventional wisdom? Is there a thing that people do? And the thing that occurred to me and so I'm asking you, Elizabeth, what do you do? Because if you have a bowl, like in every day China bowl and it has a chip in it, do you keep it or do you throw it out? Asking for a friend. Yeah, I'll ask you. I recently looked and I was like, you know what? There are a lot of chips in our bowl, but it's not like if you're drinking out of a mug with a chip, it's like, oh, you can cut your lip. But if it's a bowl, we just keep them. What do you do? Well, I have two answers. The answer is I keep them, but I don't think that you should.

12:34I don't recommend keeping them. I think there's something about a chipped bowl or a chip mug that's very depressing because it just seems so inattentive and used up. Yeah, and just, you know, you could cut yourself on it, even a bowl. You could cut yourself, you know, your finger on it, picking it up. It's definitely going to break more easily once it's chipped. We've had that happen where first it is a chip and then the whole thing kind of splits open. Yeah. But what I realized about this question is that the reason I do keep chip bowls and mugs is because getting rid of them, like discarding them seems difficult because they're glass and it's hard to throw like glass. You know what it is? 100%. I know exactly what you mean because you're like, what would happen to this thing? I'll just keep using it because then I don't have to decide what to do with it. Yes. Yeah.

13:34And you think, oh, if it's a chip bowl, we'll just use it for us. We won't give it to company. But again, then that goes back to the whole question of, we have these things in our lives. Why are we using the bad version when we have the nice version? So in that sense, you go, okay, well, we'll use the non-chipped bowls and we'll just keep this chipped one in the cabinet underneath all the other bowls. But then again, why are you keeping it if you have no intention of ever using it? So you're back to the same thing, which is you should get rid of it. See, this is why I would much prefer for something to just split into. Yes. Because then I'm like, okay, you know, I mean, there's just no way to fix that. Whereas with the chip, you get into this, well, I could just use it a few more times, get a little bit more use out of it. And it feels less wasteful for sure. And you're like, I don't want to be wasteful. I don't want to run out and buy a bunch of new bowls. But you're right, like, do we have enough bowls that we could get rid of the couple of chip

14:35ones we have? And then we just use the good ones all the time. I mean, by the way, these bowls are, let's see, we got them when we moved to this apartment. So they are 25 years old. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, that's been sitting on the top shelf and is never seen the light of day. These things get used multiple times a day, probably. Right. But yeah, okay. Well, I would be curious. What do people think of things being just slightly chip, not a huge chip, not a chip where you're like, oh, I could cut my finger on the thing. But just it's not exactly smooth. There is just this piece out of it. Of course, there's also sentimentality, grouch, you know, because you've had the bowls since you moved. Well, there's that too. And then if you get rid of this bowl, it's like getting rid of your daughter's childhood, you know, and that whole thing starts. It's, yeah. You and I are both people who attach personalities to objects. Oh, yes, absolutely. And like, their little feelings are going to get hurt. Yeah. So it's like your discarding piece of history because you no longer have this mug that you

15:39got at the gala in 2010 or whatever. No, I mean, anything that we use a lot, it played an important part of our lives. It feels like part of us. And so that's probably why I'm just hanging on to these things. It just feels easier to just keep using it and just think, well, if a friend comes by and I give them a, and they see that I have a chip bowl. So be it. Let the chips fall where they may. Yes. There you go. Well, but I'll be curious listeners. What do you think of this? How do you view this issue? I can imagine people have thoughts because it's, it is, there's a lot of things coming together in a simple issue. Yes. And if we know nothing else, crutch, we know that everybody has thoughts on everything. So people have thoughts on everything. That is true. And the spotlight on a tool for this week. So I'm very excited to announce a new resource that I created to help us all head into autumn with more energy. The fact is when we have energy, everything feels easier and when we don't have energy, everything feels harder.

16:40Also, I think some people assume that if you exercise, you're going to like feel more tired, but often one of the best ways to give yourself energy is actually to move more. So I created a free seven day email challenge to help each day. I'll send one idea to help you build movement into a habit that fits into your life. So that by the end of the week, you'll have an approach all worked out to movement that actually works for you. There's also a companion worksheet that you can use along the way if you're a worksheet person. And if you are doing move 26 and 26, it's a great way to build on what you're already doing. And you can get that at happiercast.com slash energy. Yeah, crutch. I will say if I am in a bad mood, even though I think going to class, you know, going to learn serious, not going to help 100% of the time it does. It does, right? It really is something that you can count on. I feel like you always feel better after a good night's sleep and you never regret exercising.

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18:44is not available in all 50 states. Wogovi is a registered trademark of no vote nor disk AS to get started and learn more, including important safety information, wogovi clinical study information and restrictions visit for hers dot com. Okay, listen, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. We've talked a lot about orange theory. You are well on your way to your orange theory 100 for 26. But I was thinking about the whole issue of gym friends. Like I have never had a gym friend, but I have friends who have gym friends and you're a very social person. So are you social when you go to orange theory or are you just mostly doing your own thing when you go to class? Well, I would say I do not have gym friends. So I am not social. I think a lot of people are, you know, I see a lot of people meeting up, having the treadmills next to each other and all of that. I think it's partially because I am not a natural exorcizer.

19:44It's not where I'm most comfortable. Sure. So I feel kind of self conscious. I'm very in my head. I'm not in the mode of socializing. Wait, let me just say that's one of the things I write about in Project Compton S. It's interesting. It's like, where do you feel most yourself in a kitchen on a hiking trail, at a gym, in a library, where do you feel most yourself? It's not like you can't go to those other places, but it's good to know. So you're sort of like, this isn't my natural habitat. I can be here and really enjoy it and do it a lot and like it, but it's a little bit of a stretch for you. You're outside of your true comfort zone. And that's good. Yes, that's what I love about it. Yeah, exactly. But for instance, if you hit a milestone a lot of times, you know, they'll bring an assign like so and so is having their 250th class. And it's like everyone cheers and you gather together and take a photo. And like, I dread that. I do not. Someone coming in. I mean, I dread it to the point of like, I thought of, can I tell them like, please

20:46never, can I have a note on my, you know, profile, or dummy knowledge, Liz or Elizabeth C as I am there. You are a woman of many names. But that feels very crumbugently. So I haven't done that. But I do try to avoid going anywhere near my birthday so that I won't have the birthday thing. But you really can't talk at all during class because it's very loud and the teacher's talking and you have to be concentrating. So I think that plays into it as well. Now here's what's interesting though, Gretchen, I do have hiking friends, which one could say are an equivalent of Jim friends, friends that I meet to hike, who I really, I mean, I have my regular friends that I also hike with. But then I also have friends who I only see hiking. So that's kind of like a Jim friend. That is very much like a Jim friend. And it's interesting because in hiking, you can talk. And I think in some gyms and some kind of workout regimens, it's easier to talk.

21:50Now maybe sometimes it's like people in the locker room and stuff that they, they're, they're chatting as they're getting dressed and they sort of strike up a conversation. I can imagine that happening, especially if you always went at the same time of day, like if the two of you worked out, you know, between seven and seven thirty a.m. and you saw the same person for six months getting dressed, that might naturally turn into a friendship, even that you're not doing it while you exercise. And it also might be an age or stage of life thing too. Well, yes, exactly. Are you looking for friends? Are you on the lookout for opportunities to meet new people? And so now do you ever see people that you know there? Yes, I will see people I know. And when I do, I love it and we chat. And then they might introduce me to someone they know at the gym. But no, it's not really where I go for socializing. Although here's what I will say. I still like being around people. So I get something from being around people, whether or not I'm socializing with them. I enjoy their presence.

22:52Yeah, I get that. I get that. It's important to me that they're there. I love a full class. Right. You get energy from that. Well, isn't that what they say is an extrovert and extrovert gets energy from other people? Well, and also as an obliger, there's the accountability. So maybe it's kind of a relief to go there and you're like, I know I'm going to exercise because I'm at this class. Right. And all these people are here. All these people are here. So it's not like going to a gym where you're doing your own workout where it's like, oh, I could just do one thing and walk out. Oh, yes, that would not be good for me. Right. Yeah. Right. So I don't know. Maybe I should now that we're having this conversation, I'm actually thinking I should make a point to be a friendlier and say things, make little comments. Not that I'm trying to make a new best friend at Orange Theory, but it would be nice to have my little connections. Yeah. So maybe I will start doing that. And one of the things is you know you have many things in common with the people because you know that you do Orange Theory, which is one.

23:55So that's like a thing. And you know that you live fairly near each other because it's a very local thing to do. And so that gives you two big things that are in common. Yes. In the meantime, there's probably a lot of differences people who do totally different things for work. Which is nice. Yeah. And have a different perspective and go different places. So it would be valuable. It is. Yeah. Yes, different ages, you know, very into having friends of different ages, which I do. Well, you know, and what the happiness research shows that people are happier when they have friends of different ages. Like that's a really valuable thing to have. Yes. So, okay, you're actually inspiring me with this whole conversation. Because if I make a point of being friendly and talking, I can't do it. You can and you are extremely likeable. Well, thank you. And it is funny. Like if you've ever had that thing where you're just in such a good mood that you're just chatting everybody up and everybody is so eager and friendly. Yes. Everybody likes that. But it takes effort. But sometimes it's nice just to go someplace and do your thing and just be in your own

24:55little world. I don't know. I think there's value to that too sometimes just kind of floating through it. Like at the Met, I love this feeling of. I'm not engaging. I'm not waving to the guards. I'm just like a soap bubble that's just floating through this atmosphere. I kind of enjoy that too. They might tell me to think about it. Side note, Gretchen, I don't my orange theory they have a library, you know, like give a book, take a book. Oh. Which again, it's like a social connection kind of thing. But I will say I was very gratified because I left a book and my book was gone the next day. Oh, good. You know, that's gratifying when somebody wants your book. Yes, exactly. Oh, that's good. I like that. It sounds like it's a very well designed thing and that it's designed to. Extremely well designed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Finally, Gretchen, what is our quotation this week? Okay. This comes from the meditations of Marcus Arelius and I will read two translations of it because I like both of them for different reasons. The first one is it is in our power to have no opinion about a thing and not to be disturbed

25:59in our soul. For things themselves have no natural power to form our judgments. So here's a more colloquial version. You always have the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone. So is that are you feeling happier? Yes, I am feeling happier. Thank you to Chuck. My Grouch, by Elizabeth, the best second charter happiness project is 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Elizabeth, whenever we talk about mugs, I just think about your glorious mug collection. You really bring the mugs. I know. All the more reason though that if one is chipped, I really should get rid of it because I have

26:59too many mugs. I should think of it as like a gift that a mother likes chipped and I have to get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.