Master of None - Neil Goble

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1:16Before starting Ebglus, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Visit Vons and Albertsons! This week, Signature Select Drumsticks or Thighs, Bone In Value Packs are 99 cents per pound with membership where applicable, and Alpharos, Arches on O'Bread, 20 ounces Select Varieties are 299 with Digital Coupon. Plus, get a 3-pound bag of Mandarin for 399 with Digital Coupon! Enjoy fresh and delicious savings every day of the week! Hurry in! These deals won't last! Visit Vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save! Master of Nund by Neil Goble The advantages of specialization are so obvious that today we don't even know how to recognize a competent synchrist. Freddie the Fish glanced at the folded newspaper beside him on the bench.

2:19A little one column headline caught his eye. Mysterious signals from outer space. Probably from Cygnus, he said. Freddie mashed a peanut, popped the meat into his mouth, and tossed the shell to the curb in front of the bench. He munched idly and watched two sparrows arguing over the discarded delicacy. The victor flitted to the head of a statue, let go a triumphant dropping onto the marble nose and hopped to a nearby branch. Serves him right, Freddie said. He yawned and rubbed the stubble on his chin. Not yet long enough for scissors he decided. He pulled his feet up on the bench, twisting in an effort to get comfortable. The song was in his eyes, so he reclaimed the discarded newspaper and spread it over his face. His eyes momentarily focused on mysterious signals from outer space, right over his nose. Sure, Cygnus, he muttered, and closed his eyes and dropped off to sleep.

3:22When he was awakened, it was by an excited hand shaking his shoulder and a panting. Freddie, Freddie, look at the extra just came out. Freddie slowly set up, ascertained the identity of the intruder and the fact that the sun was setting and said. Good evening, Willie. Please stop rattling that paper in my face. But just read it, Freddie, Willie shrieked, waving the paper so frantically that Freddie couldn't make out the big black headline. Positive contact from another planet, the guy was yelling. They put out an extra-sized snitched one from the boy. Read it to me, huh Freddie? I'm die-in-a-curious. So give it here and I'll read it for you. Which shaken it or you'll tear it all up, Freddie snorted. Read it to me, huh Freddie? Willie said, handing over the paper. I don't know no one else that reads so good. Freddie studied the headline in the first paragraph silently, then whistle lightly and lowered the paper.

4:24You know, Willie, he said? The last thing I read before I dropped off a while ago was about these signals, but the funny thing is, I just assumed they were from sickness. What's sickness, Freddie? Willie asked, still pop-eyed? A smoke? A dame? Are you mean like from hunger? Signus, my boy, Freddie explained patronizingly, is a constellation within which there are two colliding galaxies. These colliding galaxies produce the most powerful electromagnetic radiations in the universe, and undecilion watts. Unesynondecilion. An undecilion is ten raised to the thirty-sixth power Freddie sighed, fearing that he wasn't getting through to Willie. No fooling. What's a what? Oh, you're pulling my leg again, Freddie. Talkin' riddles. Where'd you ever learn to talk that way anyhow? Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Georgia Tech, Oklahoma, picked up a little here a little

5:24there, Freddie said, reflecting on his indiscriminate past. Oh, cut it out, Freddie. Come on, read it to me. But you can't. Where'd you say it was from, signus? Not signus, canemed. Freddie cleared his throat and rattled the newspaper authoritatively. Washington, White House sources declared today that intelligent beings on a Jupiter moon have contacted the United States government. While the contents of the message have been made secret, the White House emphasized the message was friendly. Freddie continued, the signals which were intercepted yesterday were decoded this morning by a team of government scientists and cryptographers who had been at the task all night. While officials were non-committal about the nature of the message contained in the signals, they declared, we are authorized to state that the received message was friendly and appears to represent a sincere attempt by another race of intelligent beings to contact

6:25the people of Earth. A reply message is being formulated. Officials further explained that the possibility of the signals being a hoax had been thoroughly investigated and that there is no doubt whatsoever that the message is a genuine interspatial communication from intelligent beings on Ganymede. Ganymede is one of the twelve moons of the planet Jupiter and is larger than the planet Mercury. Freddie stopped. Ain't there any more, Willy wind? The rest of it is about how far away Ganymede is and it's relative density and mass and stuff. You wouldn't be interested, Willy. Oh, I guess not. Willy helped himself to a peanut. What's it mean, Freddie? Nothing much, Willy. Just that there's people somewhere besides here on Earth and they called us on the phone. What do you know about that, Willy Gast? I didn't even know there was other people. He stared with disbelief at the paper.

7:25I don't suppose anyone knew. How do you suppose they knew, Willy asked? I mean, we was here if we didn't know they was there. I've been wondering about that, Willy. You know that last rocket we shot? From Cape Carnival, you mean? Yeah. It was supposed to go into orbit around Jupiter. I wouldn't be surprised if maybe it didn't land on Ganymede. The people there could have examined it, figured out where it came from, and then radioed us on the same frequency the rocket transmitter used. Paper doesn't say that, of course, but it's a reasonable hypothesis. Freddie, I think you must be a genius or something. Freddie smiled and stretched out to sleep again as Willy wandered off, staring blankly at the newspaper. Carlton Jones, America's number one personnel specialist, scowled at the pamphlet on his desk. Secret, it said in big red letters across the top and bottom. Special instructions for Operation Space Case said the smaller letters across the middle

8:29of the top sheet. Now I ask you, Duane Lull Jones said to his clerk or shade, where in this world full of specialists am I going to find someone with a well-rounded education? Much less one will take a chance on a flyer like this. Gosh, Mr. Jones, I wouldn't know, Dwindle blinked. Have you tried looking through your files? Have I tried looking through my files, Joe's side, looking at the ceiling light? Dwindle, my files include every gainfully employed person in the United States of America and its possessions, millions of them. One doesn't just browse through the files, looking for things. Oh, Dwindle said. I'm kind of new at this specialty, he explained. Yes, Dwindle. However, Jones continued, one does make IBM runouts to find things. Hey, that's great, Dwindle said, brightening. Why don't you try making an IBM runout?

9:30I did, Dwindle. Please let me finish. Our instructions call for finding a person with a well-rounded education, more specifically, a person who is capable of intelligently discussing and explaining some two dozen major fields of knowledge. Plus, of course, at least a passing acquaintance with some one or two hundred minor fields of knowledge. So, I set mathematics into the IBM's order. Mathematics is one of the major fields of knowledge, you see? Yeah, Dwindle acknowledged. So, I took the few million mathematicians' cards, which I got. Good mathematicians and bad mathematicians. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have Exama. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let Exama take over when you can talk to your doctor about Epglis? Epglis, Lebrichizmab, LBKZ, a 250-mg per 2-mg-liter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older, who weigh at least 88 pounds

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11:35Hurry in! These deals won't last. Visit vonsouralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. How can you fetch such an amazing deal by calling 8669 Optima or visiting Optima.com to switch? That's 8669 Optima. Speaking of fetch, that's my cue. Terms apply. See Optima.com for details. But at least people who can get their decimals in the right place, I set the IBM Sorter for Biology and ran the Mathematicians' cards through. So I got several thousand Mathematician Biologists. That's pretty sharp. Dwindle exclaimed with a twinkle. Whoever thought of that? Please Dwindle, Jones' moan, pressing his palms to his eyes. Next I started according to geology.

12:36300 cards came through. 300 people in America who know their math, biology and geology. That doesn't sound like so many to me. Dwindle said hesitantly as if wondering what there was to get excited about. One of those 300, do you know how many understand even vaguely electronics? 12. And of those 12, guess how many have an adequate background in history and anthropology? Much less an understanding of 18 other fields? Not very many, Albert. Dwindle replied smartly. None. Not even one. I tried running the cards through in every order imaginable. We've bred a race of specialists and there's not a truly educated man among us. Say, you know what I bet? Even if you did find a guy like what all you said?

13:38Go ahead Dwindle. I bet he wouldn't even go up there to Gannamede. I sure wouldn't. I'd be scared to death, Dwindle chatterd waving his finger. How's he going to get back even if he gets there okay? Couldn't anyone fool me with a bunch of pretty talk? I know the government doesn't have a rocket that could take off again after it got there. Gotta have launching pads and computers and all that stuff. Government ever think about that? Jones held his head in anguish. Dwindle, why don't you be a good boy and run along to the snack bar for a coffee break and bring me some aspirin when you get back? Freddie the fish, Willie and Oscar Frank were occupying the same bench. A comradeship made necessary by the overpopulation of the park on such a glorious day. Oscar was surveying the passing girls and scouting for worthwhile cigarette stubs. Willie was admiring a hovering Beatles power of flight and Freddie was reading a discarded

14:44copy of Scientific American. The Beatles landed on Willie's sleeve and promptly located a gaping tear in the fabric through which Bear Arms showed. Willie raised his other hand menacingly. Don't, Freddie Bart, causing Willie to jump with enough force to dislodge the Beatles. Aw, Freddie, Willie wind. Why didn't you let me kill it? What goods a stupid bug? That would have been a rather unfortunate kill. Willie, by your bare hand on your bear arm, you must learn to be cognizant of our insect friends and insect enemies. So what's he poison or something? Unpleasant at least, Freddie said. That was a blister beetle. Smash it on your arm and you'll grow a nice weld. A member of the Milloy Day family. You mean bugs have families in all, too? Willie asked. All families are groupings of similar species of insects, Freddie explained, not actually

15:45kinful. For instance, this beetle is related to the litovacicatoria of southern Europe, more commonly known as the Freddie glanced out of the corner of his eye at Oscar, hoping to shield the next bit of information from his perverted brain and whispered the name. Willie's eye is widened. Hey, Oscar! He hollered jumping up. You hear what Freddie said? That bug I almost swatted, practically a Spanish fly. Which way do you go, Oscar? Squeaked, allowing his collection of stubs to scatter as he hopped around, looking on and under and behind the bench for the escaping insect. Hold it, hold it, Freddie commanded, trying to restore order. I said it's like it, not is it. It doesn't have what it takes, so skip it, huh? Willie and Oscar sat down again. Freddie, Willie sighed with adoration, how'd you ever get so smart? I mean, be an abomin' all.

16:48I keep telling you guys, I went to nothing but the finest universities. Well, except for the end when I was getting desperate, I guess I wasn't so choosy. Oh, guan, now Freddie! College has cost money, and yours pours the rest of us. Someone for a cup of coffee, and all the time talking about Yale and Oxford and Havad. What would you say, Willie, if I told you that once I belonged to the richest family in Mississippi? I'd say Mississippi was a pretty poor state, Willie said, and Oscar giggled. I was once Frederick Van Smelt, spoiled son of the wealthy shrimp and oyster sion, and there's nothing as bad my father said as spoiled smelt. He disowned me, of course. I owned six Cadillacs, one right after the other, I wrecked them all. I traveled all over the world, and probably counteracted a billion dollars worth of foreign

17:49aid. I was kicked out of the best schools in the world. How kind of you're so smart, you flunked out of all of them schools, Oscar asked. To me, flunked out, I never made less than an A, and any course I took during my eight years at war with college. I was expelled from nine schools and barely escaped the highway patrol when I was bootlegging at Oklahoma University. Freddie, Willie said, you're a lion like a dog, but you make it sound surreal. Jones squirmed uncomfortably in his seat in the briefing room, phrasing and rephrasing his thoughts. It seemed that no matter which arrangement of words he chose, it was still going to be obvious that he'd flopped. He re-examined his fingernails and selected one which was still long enough to chew.

18:52General Marchor concluded his current appraisal of the situation and began calling on the various individuals with whom certain phases of operations space case had been entrusted. Jones groaned as each arose and gave favorable progress reports. The pod is completed and has been tested, sir. It will by no means be a plush, but it will be sufficiently comfortable even for the long voyage to Ganymede. The guidance system is perfected to the extent that we need. There are no further deceleration problems to be solved. The crash program has been approved for the two-way rocket. It is on the drawing board and current estimates are that the envoy can be brought back in three years. Ganymede has replied to our last message, a suitable artificial environment will be available for the envoy. Personnel specialist Jones, Carlton gave his chin a final sweaty rub, and

19:54slowly rose to his feet. General Marchor, sir, he choked, I am experiencing a little difficulty in finding a volunteer so far. Negative perspiration on that count Jones, the project officer, interrupted, the draft has never been abolished. We can grab anyone you put your finger on. Now, who will it be? Sir, it doesn't seem to be that so much as well... Technology made banking easier, travel easier, shopping easier, home insurance is still catching up. Kin is changing that. Smart technology that helps you find coverage fast and real people when you actually need them. Simple tools, faster help, no trade-offs. Home insurance that finally makes sense. Go to kin.com slash podcast. That's kin.com forward slash podcast. Kin refers to Kin Distributor Insurance Services, a licensed California surplus lines broker insurer that is not licensed or regulated by the California Insurance Commissioner. Sir, has any consideration been given to perhaps sending a delegation rather than a single

20:58envoy? The general smiled broadly. Now that is more like it. I take it you mean you have a number of equally qualified persons who have expressed an intense desire to go to Ganymede and there is no way to impartially select one of these men over the others? This is commendable. However, our space limitation clearly precludes sending more than one person. I'm afraid you will just have to make your choice for my hat. Jones turned a trifle redder. That's not exactly the problem either, sir. The general smile wilted and became a frozen frown. Just exactly what are you trying to say, Jones? There's no one who can meet the qualifications, sir. Jones said feeling sick to his stomach. Are you telling me that in the entire United States there is not one person who has a basic understanding of the 24 major fields?

22:00I'm afraid that's right, sir. See me after the briefing, Jones. I'm certain that the foremost personnel specialist in the United States must have some further ideas on this matter. Jones sank slowly back into his seat and covered his face with his hands. I'm a goner. He whispered to himself, Jones, you can be replaced. Dwindle sitting on his left suddenly punched him vigorously in the ribs. Say, Mr. Jones, he rattled. I just thought of a great idea. Tell it to the general, Jones moaned. Maybe then he'll realize what a handicap I've been working under. Hiya, Freddie. Willie said sitting down on the bench, helping himself to some peanuts. Working a crossword puzzle. Freddie pocketed his pencil stub and laid aside the newspaper. No, not this time.

23:00Just playing around with one of those we're looking for bright young men, ads. Freddie, you ain't thinking of getting a job. Nothing like that, Freddie left. Just exercising my mind. Filling out one of those little tests they always have helps keep a fellow sharp, you know. Yeah, I see in the kind. Like what has pictures and you're supposed to find things wrong in the picture like James with beard and dog with six feet. Kind of like that. Only this one's all written and is a little tougher. You're supposed to send the answers in and whoever has good answers gets to take a tougher test and whoever does good on that test gets the job. Probably selling neckties on the corner or something. No kidding, that's what it says. Just says handsome rewards but that's probably close to it. You gonna send it in? Willie asked. No, I just fill them out for fun. Like I said, can you imagine me peddling neckties on the corner?

24:05Then how do you know if you got the right answers? Hell, I know the answers, Freddie bragged. Like I said, this is just exercise. Mental gymnastics. Like this last one, it was pretty tough compared to most of them. Had some questions about things I hadn't even thought about since college. Things I'd forgotten I knew. What goods and education if you forget what things you know? That's why I never bothered Willie agreed. Because I never could remember things so good. No Willie, you've got it all wrong. I still know it. I just didn't know I know it. Ah, Freddie, Willie said unhappy, you're pulling my leg again. Suit yourself, Freddie smiled. Hold down the bench for me, okay? I'll be right back. Willie watched Freddie until he went into the little brick building in the center of the park and then grabbed Freddie's newspaper and scampered over to Oscar's bench. Hey, you know how Freddie's always talking big about how much he knows?

25:07Willie said breathlessly. I got an idea how to call his bluff. He filled out one of these tests and says he knows all the answers. Let's send it in and see if he's as smart as he says. Yeah, that's great, Willie. Then Oscar's face darkened. Wonder where we can steal a stamp. That was a pretty good idea of mine about advertising in the paper. Wasn't it Mr. Jones? Dwindle, America's number one personnel specialist, asked his surly assistant. Yes, Dwindle. Jones stared gloomily out the 14th story window into the park where the local bums were loafing and sleeping and feeding peanuts to the pigeons. He was nauseated with the prospect of having to address his new boss as Mr. Dwindle and was toying with the idea of abandoning his specialty completely to join the ranks of the happy, carefree unemployed.

26:08He watched his two uniformed policemen approach one of the less wholesome appearing characters. Now I don't suppose I could tolerate being in and out of jail every week on a vagrancy charge he told himself. But then he smiled bitterly as he thought of the strange parallel between the policemen arresting the bum and other officials elsewhere in the United States tapping respectable citizens on the shoulder at this very moment. Dwindle, do you really think it was wise to issue warrants to arrest all those persons who scored perfect on the first test? How many did you say there were? Only a hundred or so, Dwindle smiled sweetly, and besides they're not being arrested, General Marcher explained to you that they are being drafted into the service of the government. Honestly, sometimes I think you worry too much. Jones turned back to the window, brooding over Dwindle's transformation. Maybe so, he sighed, watching the newly arrested vagrant pointing an accusing finger toward

27:13one of the other bums. Willie strained and twisted, trying to reclaim his arm from the policeman's grip. Honest you guys, I didn't know it was against the law. I figured it was against the rules maybe to send in somebody else's answers, but we was only making a joke Oscar in me. Oscar's the one who actually put the mailbox and stole the stamp, but he's the one you're after. Now calm down Willie, the beefy policeman coaxed. No one's broken any law, nobody's under arrest, we just want to chat a minute with whoever it was filled out that test. Yeah, Willie, the second policeman broke in, if you didn't do it, and I believe you when you say you didn't, then who did? What's it to you, Willie asked his mouth twitching nervously? The first policeman clandest at the second and then back at Willie. Well it's like this Willie, he said, whoever filled out those answers got everyone

28:15of them right. The people who run the contest want to meet the guy you see and they asked us to help find him because we know you people better than anyone else does see, that's all. Yeah, said the second, that's all. Now who did it? Willie stood with his jaw drooping for a moment. You mean he got ever less one of them right? Yes. Freddie was always bragging about his brains, but me and Oscar figured he was making most of it up. Freddie who, Freddie the fish you mean? Yeah, Freddie. Willie perked up and turned toward Freddie's bench. Hey Freddie, you know that test you took in the newspaper that you didn't know I sent in? You won the contest or something? Hey, that's great. Jones and Dwindle watched the draftees file into the examination room. I still don't see how this is going to solve the problem, Jones frowned. I believe it will, Dwindle contradicted him, specialists in each of the major fields

29:19have been consulted and each provided 50 questions. The hardest questions they could think up I imagine? No, not at all. The purpose is to provide comprehensive coverage of each field and each question is of the type that if the examiner knows the answer, it can reasonably be assumed that he knows quite a bit in that particular phase of the field. For instance, if he knows what enzyme is associated with the stomach, he probably knows what enzyme is associated with the liver. I know one big problem you're going to run into, Jones, so just like the IBM cards, you're going to find one guy who clobbers the electronics part of the test but completely busts out in history and everything else. I don't think so, Dwindle said. The preliminary test will have taken care of that. It was designed so that in order to answer every question right, a person would have to have at least a rudimentary knowledge of all 24 major fields.

30:23As Jones was considering whether it would be better to slit his own throat or Dwindles, General Marcher entered the room and approached. Excellent, excellent, the general declared, a very distinguished looking group you've assembled here, Dwindle. Hello, Jones. Yes, sir, Dwindle said, with a possible exception of the CD-chap in the rear. Jones looked to the rear of the room and his eyes bugged. Freddie the fish, clean-shape and but-tattered, was alternately wetting the pencil, lead in his mouth, and eating peanuts. That's the Bahu-Feed Sparrows in the part, Jones gaffed. Why did he get out of jail so quick? I saw a couple of policemen hauling him off just a day or so ago. This is where they hauled him to, General Marcher said. It just so happens that he answered every question right on the preliminary examination. He says his name's Freddie Smith, although I doubt that he could prove it. He says he never had a father, Dwindle added.

31:25Says his family was too poor. Jones stared at General Marcher, then stared at Dwindle, then turned and stared at Freddie the fish, who had just left his seat and was ambling toward the trio. Looks like he's throwing in the towel, Jones said happily. He's bringing his paper with him. Maybe he just wants clarification on a question, Dwindle said. I'm all done, Freddie said. Who gets this? So I had Dwindle, Carlton, Jones, smirked, grade the man's paper. He's all done. Dwindle smiled, uncertainly. You're allowed all the time you need, Mr. Smith. Oh, that's okay, I'm done. Dwindle produced his bread pencil and the answer sheet, which had 1,200 small circles punched in it. He sat down, placed the key over the test paper, and began searching for white spaces showing through. That's the last one, sir.

32:26Dwindle said six hours later as he added the 112th graded test to the neat stack at the left of his desk. He stared through the thousand-plus holes into the answer key as if expecting the holes to shift. And still no change in the standings, General Marcher asked again. Mr. Smith still has the best grade, Dwindle answered. The percentages again, the general asked. Overall 96% for Mr. Smith, Dwindle said for the fourth time. His lowest percentage in any one category was 80%. The next highest score was by Dr. Schmeling, who had 78%, but he failed in six categories. The third highest score was by Dr. Ranson, 76% failing in seven categories. The fourth highest score was enough, general Marcher interrupted. I think we've found our man, don't you, Dwindle?

33:27I hope we don't have to use pressure, sir, Dwindle replied. Jones turned from the window, from which he was observing the bombs in the park. How can you possibly consider such a thing, he blurted, as to send a penniless, unemployed, authority, ragged, tramp, to Ganymede as the United States number one emissary? Jones, perhaps I best clarify a point or two for you, General Marcher said in measured tones. We've been searching the nation over, seeking a man who can fulfill our exacting requirements. We have found that man. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Smith possesses the greatest single store of knowledge about this planet and its people. So far as I'm concerned, which is considerable, it doesn't matter that this man has chosen the way of a philosopher instead of seeking an occupation. It doesn't matter that he lacks the necessary status to be listed on your IBM cards.

34:32It doesn't matter that you failed to find this man, because Dwindle succeeded. And it doesn't matter whether I ever see you again. Yes, sir, Jones said and picked up his hat and left. Now, back to the business at hand, Dwindle, you say these prospects don't know the reasons behind the test. That is correct, sir. I feared there might be some temptation for the prospects not to do their best if they knew that success might result in there being removed from the face of the earth. Otherwise, then I suggest we approach Mr. Smith on the idea cautiously to determine his sentiments. If he doesn't want to go, of course, we've got to draft him. Freddie cracked the peanut, put half in his mouth, and tossed the other half to the sparrows. I might be going away for a while, Willie, he said, ending a rather long silence.

35:36He's getting a job, are you, Freddie? Watch your language, Oscar scolded. No, not really a job, at least not the kind you think of. Sort of an all-expense paid vacation with a change of scenery. He ain't had to run in with the bulls, have you? The stricken Willie asked. Me? You know better, Willie. Nothing like that. I'm not even sure the thing will pan out, but you know all those newspaper stories about the message from another planet. Yeah, yeah, you read it to me, Willie Jabbert excitedly. And that test I took that you sent in and the fellows talked to me about? Yeah, say, I hope that didn't make you trouble, Freddie, because me and Oscar was just kind of joking, seeing. It's okay, Wellie. Well one of the fellows I talked to was General Marcher, who's been mentioned in the newspaper stories in connection with, here, Willie, take these.

36:37He interrupted himself when he saw the two men approaching. See that new guy at the bench over Yandr? Give him these peanuts. I think he'd like to feed my sparrows while I'm gone. Names Jones, and he'll probably be around for a spell. Freddie stood up to greet the two arrivals. Hello, General, he said tipping his battered cap. It's about the trip to Ganymede, I suppose. End of Master of None by Lloyd Neil Gabel.