Man Therapy - Make Better Decisions

0:00This episode of the sportsman's empire is brought to you by Interstate Batteries. Since 1952 Interstate Batteries has been evoking compassion and a trustworthy spirit into the surrounding communities. Interstate Batteries is a mission driven company fueled by purpose and guided by their values. If you need help locating a specific battery, stop into your local Interstate Batteries retail store and speak with a battery specialist. They even offer cell phone repairs. Interstate Batteries. Outragiously dependable. Flip is your home to win this football season. Think your QB is drawing for 300 yards? Flip right he is. Running back, finding the end zone? Flip yeah. Pick two or more players and go over under on their stats. Passing yards, rushing yards, catches, touchdowns. However, you football, there's a way to flip it. New customers get a deposit match up to $250 plus bonus catch on every flip and deposit. Damn low flip, use promo code steel. Must be 18 plus, no purchase necessary void where prohibited, restrictions applied, play responsibly, see GetFlift.com for eligibility terms and full promotion rules.

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2:03Enjoy big savings with Red Hot deals at Vons and Albertsons. This week, Signature select drumsticks or thighs, bone-in value packs are 99 cents per pound with membership where applicable. And Alpharos, Artsisano Bread, 20 ounces select varieties are $299 with digital coupon. Plus, get a 3-pound bag of Mandarin for $399 with digital coupon. Enjoy fresh and delicious savings every day of the week. Hurry in, these deals won't last. Visit vonsouralbertons.com for more deals and ways to save. His name is Kyle. My name is Dan and this is the Man Therapy podcast. Hopefully everybody's had a good week since the last time that we chatted. For those of you people out there who are actually listening to us on a weekly basis, thank you. I think that's important. I don't know how many episodes of this that we've done. I think we're probably knocking on at least 50, almost close to a whole year if I had to guess. You know what? I am interested enough right now to find this out.

3:06So bear with me for about 30 seconds. I want to see how many episodes we've done. I bet it's in the 30s. 30s? Okay, let's check it out. You think close to 50? I don't know. This will be our 47th episode. Well, believe it or not. So, thank you. If you guys could do us a huge favor, go to Spotify, go to iTunes, wherever you download, like, subscribe, do all that stuff. That helps this podcast gain a little bit more traction. It gets the feelers out there for more people to listen to us. In fact, if you do like this, two knuckleheads talking about life, really is what this is. So we appreciate it. I appreciate you, Kyle. Thank you very much for your time. And putting in your knowledge into this because I think that's very important. Right back at you. I look forward to it every week. Fun. It's a bright spot for me. Yeah, for sure.

4:09It's not every day you get to have these conversations that stimulate the brain a little bit. It's instead of yelling at someone to, hey, uh, put, pick up your socks, pick up these Legos, pick, do this, do this. And it's like, okay, well, I actually have to think a little bit about what a question will be and what my response will be. So I really do look forward to these every week. Same. Okay. You still on the routine, the workout routine. Yeah, I was hoping you're going to ask me, oh, dude, it's awesome. It's, it's week two in the books every day. I'll probably go to this afternoon again. I love it, man. I'm already feeling better. Just, just two weeks in and I'm feeling better. Um, I feel sore in a good way. Like I've always, I've always liked feeling sore. Like I don't, I don't want to be ridiculously sore, but like, feeling a little bit sore reminds you you did something. Yep. You know, and it's like feeling sore all day is, is a little bit of motivation to like,

5:09eat better. Like if I'm about to reach for something sugary, I'm like, oh, dude, uh, well, sore, that's right. I worked out. Oh, I don't want to eat that shit. Yeah. You know, so I, I actually eat way better when I'm working out. When I'm not working out, I'm like, whatever, fuck it. Yeah. Out piece of shit. But when I'm working out, I'm like, no, dude, I'm, I'm working out. I'm a guy, I'm a healthy guy. Yeah. So yeah, I've been working out for two weeks. That's awesome. Yeah. I worked out not yesterday, but the day before. And dude, I did like, I'm starting, you know, after the knee surgery, I'm starting to get back into the, um, like the legs and the leg curls and leg extensions and the leg press and like some other exercises that we do some back stuff. And dude, I felt like I got the shit kicked out of me yesterday. Like I woke up and I was just like, oh my god, I just want to go back to bed. Like just, oh, dude, gnarly. And now I feel a little bit better today. And I noticed like the,

6:10especially with my knee having to go through that, I felt like there were days, there was weeks where I would gain. Now I feel like those noticeable gains are becoming smaller. So I'm not noticing the gains in the knee at all. But I will say that the, it's still trending upward. So that's really good. So I'm, I'm glad that the both of us are in the, you know, on the healthy trajectory again. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's great. How's your knee feeling? There's days it feels like shit, right? So like when I stand up and walk the first two steps are just my muscles, intend and stretching out. It feels like dude. And here's the issue. I know, I know I need to get up more throughout the day and maybe move around, but I work in front of a computer all day. Right? So it's very hard to like stop what I'm doing and stand up and go walk on a walk or stand up and do something. So like usually what I do is I try anyway. If I, if I start to feel tight,

7:15I'll start to move around the house, you know, rotate some laundry empty the dishwasher, do things like that. Get some steps in. I guess you would call it and then get back at it. But you know, it's just still the, the strength isn't there compared to what it was. So I don't know. It's, it's getting better. Yeah. Yeah. So it's good enough that you're, you're getting back into the gym and you're, you are able to, to use it, lifting legs. Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely. You did. That's real. I'm happy for that. Yeah. So now, same with you, it's the diet, right? I got it. I know, here's what I do. It's just like last night, I went in for, we had this grand opening at Mission Athletics where my daughter goes to wrestle, right? And so they had a ribbon cutting ceremony and they had, for the most part, the food there was healthy. They had some cookies there and I had a cookie and then I went back and I was like, I'm going to maybe

8:17get another cookie. And then I went in for my third cookie and I was like, this is ridiculous. All the calories that I burned have just been consumed, right? So I need to get back on track with, and for the most part throughout the day, like, but it's when I go to events or I go to a family gathering, it's like, I'm going to, I'm going to have like 15,000 calories today, which just ruins everything I did for the whole week. Yeah. So yeah, I know it, it's rough. It can just be decimated so fast. It's, it's one of the benefits of tracking calories is so that you have a sense of what you're actually doing to yourself. Right. Yeah, absolutely. All right. I kind of want to change topics and talk a little bit about decision making. Okay. And I want to, I want to start this off. And the reason I say a decision making is because some decisions don't need, don't need to

9:19be overthought. Right. It's like, what kind of trash liners do I need for my trash can? And if you're sitting there worrying about it, well, you've wasted too much time, right? You've wasted way too much time thinking about that. However, other decisions that you may make, like who you get in relationships with, who you marry may need a little bit more thought, hey, should I do this drug? I don't know. Like, maybe you should think about that a little bit. And I'm going to start off, start this conversation off with a story. I believe it was somewhere around eighth grade, maybe seventh grade. I went to or I got invited to go on a camping trip with at one of my friends' house. He was a really good kid. He was in like a band and he was in like with the theater kids and things like that. And I grew up with him. I played sports with him. Good kid, right. And he invited us, me and three other guys over for a sleepover with that. His older brother was

10:24also going to attend. Well, my mom had a gut instinct to say no to that. And two of my other friends had gut instincts to go to that. But I had like two or three other friends that still went to that to that camp that camp out. And that is where drugs were introduced because the older brother brought in himself who he struggled with drugs and like throughout his whole life, I think. And then and then his buddies showed up to this campsite. And there was like mushroom and mushrooms in marijuana. There might have even been some other stuff there. But I know that drugs were consumed by kids. And that one campsite altered the couple of these kids entire life, right. They went from being good at sports, you know, all this stuff to boom federal prison. Dude, I'm not joking.

11:27Like within the next 10 years, some of them were in federal prison. One of them is now dead because he did so many drugs that I think he has he got MS from that. Have you ever heard of like guys consuming a lot of drugs and then getting multiple sclerosis? I mean, I've just I've heard of really bad long-term consequences. Yeah. And so everybody except my buddy who invited us struggled with drugs at this one party. And I don't mean just for a little bit. I mean for their entire life, one of the kids was like really good at football. I mean, he could have if he put in effort, he could have went to a D1 school just from his size and his agility alone. But he didn't put in any effort into any of that. He chose drugs and alcohol over everything else. And that ruined that ruined him, right. And so how often in your line of work, do you run into a scenario like that

12:29where one of two things, one, people are overthinking small decisions and underthinking big decisions that could impact the entire life, impact your entire life. Yeah. Man, that's a great question. Yeah. I run into a lot of people that I wish would be putting more thought into decisions. It's so funny because some people's problems when they come to counseling is that their life's a mess and they keep making the obvious wrong decisions, right. And then other people's lives are a mess because they can't stop overthinking. So there's two ends of the spectrum. So I'd say I get it from both sides. There are some people that I just want to shake. I just want to shake them. I wish I could just stand up and walk across the room and just grab them by the shoulders and just shake them and be like, do you even hear yourself? Yeah. Like how could you how could you think what you're

13:33about to do is a good idea? Yeah. You know, and I get it on some level, especially with like relationships, people, well, it's hard to walk away from someone you love, even once a toxic relationship. Like the two most common ones are there's a toxic romantic relationship and there's a shitty work environment. So people will stay in a shitty toxic relationship and people will stay in a shitty work environment and they'll tell me up and down about how absolutely fucking horrible it is either one and then they'll just go right back to it. And these are people that have options too. Right. And it's like, I just want to be like, look at the world in front of you. You can see all the options and they're just so many people are afraid of they're afraid of the unknown and so they're too scared to like make a change. Yeah. But yeah, to your to your point of like a poignant a poignant moment in life, man, like you you had no way of knowing that was going to happen at that party. That's just how that happened to shake out. And then and then all those guys that

14:36went to that party, I'm not shitting on them, but just making an observation like they made a choice to try that stuff because they could have easily have gone to that party and that stuff could have been there and been introduced and they could have said no. Yeah. You know, so it's not you know, that's also the power of like the group that you hang out with. Like I wonder if if that party or camp out or whatever, if one person would have been like, no dude, I'm not doing that shit. That's fucking stupid. Yeah. What are you thinking? If the other guys were like, yeah, dude, that's fucking dumb. Yeah. But dead. And I don't know. Obviously, I wasn't there, but I know how it can go that the cool older guy, older brothers, a year or two or three older and like introduce something and you're the younger guy and you don't want to look like a pussy and you want to impress the older guys. Yeah, I'll try that. I'm not scared or maybe you aren't scared at first in the older kid older kids like razz you and make fun of you and kind of like pressure you into it. Like I know that happens. Yeah. I think like I work really hard with my clients to focus on like

15:41knowing who you are and knowing what you stand for and knowing who you're not and what you don't stand for. And I've seen people get out of shitty situations by by working through all of that in their minds like who the fuck am I? And what do I stand for? It's like, are you cool? Are you cool doing drugs? Are you cool blowing off your family? Are you cool taking this shit from this abusive partner? Like is that really who you are? Yeah. Like who you want to be? And I've seen people walk away from shitty situations. Well, yeah, I think the peer pressure can be so fucking strong though. And I'm so afraid like as a dad now knowing what I went now granted times are changed right? Alcohol consumption is way down among schools. I think I think drug use is also down in schools as well. But still it takes one part. And I'm going to try to say this respectfully

16:42because I want my kid. If he hears this as an adult to take what I'm going to say out of love, right? My daughter. I'm not worried about her decision making skills at all, right? Like dude, she is a she's a good kid. She makes good decisions. I've raised her, you know, we have raised her, the same way we raise all these kids. And it's worked out. Now my oldest kid, man, I've already had it. He's 11, right? He's 11. And I have already had a conversation with him about like, dude, I just don't think you should be drinking alcohol ever in your life. Like just the way he acts, how he gets consumed with certain things. I don't know anything about addiction per se, like in what the what the characteristics of someone who might be an addict that some way, shape, or form.

17:46I just know that like my gut as a father's intuition tells me that this kid should not be consuming any mood altering drugs, any type of like alcohol at all. And I hope that I hope that he makes those right decisions. And I will treat alcohol differently around him than I do my other kids. You know, like it's just not worth it for that him. So yeah. What was the environment like when you got introduced to alcohol and sex? And I don't know how much drugs you did when you were younger, but like, was it like parents weren't around and like it was trickled down from older kids to you, to your group or was your group like all about getting into whatever you could get into? Yeah. So for me in my house, my dad would buy a six pack of beer and it would be in his fridge for a week. Like he didn't drink a lot of alcohol. My mom didn't drink a ton of alcohol either,

18:49maybe an occasional glass of wine, but alcohol just wasn't in her house. A lot of that had to do with the way she was raised as a tea toteller because her grandpa was a severe alcoholic. And I mean like drinking chemicals alcoholic. They couldn't keep any type of rubbing alcohol, believe it or not, rubbing alcohol, medicine, dimetap, any cough medicine in the house. He would chug it, like drink it. He would go out to the barn and he would drink farming chemicals that had alcohol in them, right? And just get all types of fucked up. And so he was and he was also aggressive and he was like kind of kind of a kind of sounds like he was kind of a shit bag to his family, right? But I always say in his defense, he had 10 daughters. He did. He lived in a house at one point with 11 women. So that's kind of a family joke, you know. So with that said, alcohol has kind of been like

19:53a not like my other grandparents, they didn't drink. My grandpa would drink one old Milwaukee light after he bailed hay every every year. And that was it. Like he'd bail hay twice and I was the only time he would ever drink alcohol, right? And then he'd have like a 12 pack of beer sitting in his breezeway for I don't know, like two months, three months, right? And then maybe a guy would come over and visit him and have a beer. But my grandpa only drank like two beers a year. It seemed like but as far as me getting introduced to alcohol, I think it was through other families and being friends with kids who were maybe the middle kids that they all had older siblings, right? And so or it just seemed like some of my Catholic friends had more events and at those events, it was just like Catholic strength more. You know what I mean? For some reason. And so all the other events,

20:54all their church events that we would go to and I'd tag along there was alcohol there. And so in other families, it was quite a lot of drinking. And I think what happened is that I got introduced to it from there, from there, younger. But dude, the first time, the first time I ever drank alcohol, I was in seventh grade, right? And my daughter is an eighth grader. I don't think she's drunk alcohol. I hope not anyway. Because I've, you know, we've laid it out for her about, hey, look, this is what happens if you, if you just start drinking alcohol, all your goals just kind of go to shit, right? Especially if you're abusing it. And so drugs, I don't even think I didn't do any type of marijuana until I was in high school. The first time I ever got drunk was probably, I got a little bit of a buzz in eighth grade drinking Mountain Dew and Jim Beam, believe it or not.

21:55Yeah. Yep. And then my freshman year in high school's first time I ever got drunk. And then from there, I got drunk a lot throughout high school. Like not a lot of marijuana, which I think my mom was like, don't you ever drink, do marijuana. It's a gateway drug. It'll lead to crystal math. The next thing you know, you think you got spiders on your skin or whatever, you know, whatever her warning was. But now I look at that all complete, completely different. I haven't drank a drop. Well, I've tasted a wine, right? But I haven't, I haven't drank a full alcoholic beverage in over a year. Right? I've tasted something recently, right? And so, maybe a year and a half now. But I do occasionally take some THC gummies. Like last night, I actually had one quarter of a gummy right before bed. And it does help me sleep a little better, I think. So, I'm not 100% T total or sober. But I, my mind on THC has changed over how I think about it, how it's taught about it,

23:04and how there, there might be some benefits versus, you know, like if you're a compare alcohol and compare it like, if I had the choice to do some THC or drink alcohol, I'm choosing THC at this point in my life. So, yeah, I don't know. That's, that's high level. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I know a lot of people that have made that shift too, they don't really care for drinking all that much. But would use THC because when you drink, first of all, I feel like at our age, it just like makes people, makes us tired. Oh, instantly. A lot of people have made that shift. I used to be like super energetic in life of the party when I drank and the older I get, the more I, like if I have a beer, it's like, well, I'm gonna just settle into this couch for a while. Yeah, I'm gonna leave. I go home. I'm going to bed. Yeah, I'm just gonna do an iris goodbye. And then if you, and then if you use THC, it's like you have the effects for however long you have the effects and then they wear off and you're back to normal. Like with alcohol, you, you're basically ruining the rest of your day. And then I'm starting to drink. I'm starting to drink an alcohol, like, cool and have a bunch of fun while you do it. But you know that like once you, like, either there

24:08is no sobering up or when you do sober up, you're, you feel like shit or you're so tired to just done. But like if you, if you take a quarter or half a gummy or something, feel whatever you feel for a little while and it wears off, like, you're just back to square one. There's like no hangover. Exactly. Exactly. And so I don't know. I, uh, what about you? Because you didn't start drinking till later, right? Right. I, I didn't drink or have sex or smoke anything at all until after I was 22 years old. Yeah. I think I was just afraid of all of it. I, um, I think it was two, it's two things. Um, the whole concept of all of it made me really nervous. Like I felt like those things were important. And also, um, I was pretty wild completely sober. Yeah. And I thought, oh my god, like, what if I'm even wilder when I drink? Like I would already just do dumb shit sober. You know, oh, jump off of this and, you know, fucking go too fast doing that.

25:13All the, like, I just did dumb shit completely sober. So I thought, fuck, I drink. Like who knows what I would do? And that, that scared me because I already kind of did some things that were scary to me when I was sober. Yeah. And then, uh, then another part of that was, um, seeing other people drink and seeing their angry side come out. Like dude, I saw people be completely different people. Yeah. When they were drunk. And like people that I thought were awesome. And I like, really liked them, really respected them when they were sober. And then when they were drunk, they're like total fucking assholes, wanted to fight, angry, treated their girlfriends like shit. And I thought, whoa, like, I like that guy. That guy's awesome. He's got like a, uh, uh, alter ego. Yeah. You know, and some people have an alter ego, basically, when they, when they drink. And I thought, holy shit, like what if I, like I was, I was happy. I was always a happy person, basically. Yeah. I thought, wow, what if I have like a mean alter ego? I don't want,

26:15I don't want that. I don't want that side to come out. So I was afraid to, uh, afraid to drink. So I just didn't. And I went to all the parties and saw everybody drink in and saw all the drugs and I'd be at parties with this cocaine all over the table and all, all sorts of shit like that. And everything was offered to me and I said, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I just don't, and then everybody knew that I didn't. Yeah. You know, if you say no for long enough, everybody just knows that you're not going to. Yeah. And I also wasn't pre-cheats to anybody else. I, I never looked down to my nose at anybody that did, um, drink or do drugs or anything like that. I just chose not to. And I think people ended up thinking that was cool. Yeah. Especially if I wasn't like riding them for, all right. All you white tail nut jobs. It's hunting season. And that means football is finally back. College kickoff is here. NFL is right around the corner. And my bookie is where I'm placing my action this season, whether you're in between hunts or just checking lines from the tree stand, my bookie makes it stupid, simple to lock in your place. Plus, new users get the bet back bonus. Sign up with promo code SE, opt in and your first

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28:24sons dot com and check out why underbrush remineralizing gum is right for you. Right now, you can get 30% off your first order when you subscribe. Visit NathanandSunds.com today. Right. It was absolutely nuts. Like, here's the kind of person I was. Okay. So I ran with a crew who for a short period of time started doing cocaine. Okay. Not me. I never I've never done cocaine. But I would sit there and I would drink an entire bottle of of something, whatever was available. Right. And then I would talk shit to them about doing cocaine. Now, if you want to sit there and like way, you know, I'd rather have you drink alcohol than do below, whatever, they're both horrible things in mass amounts of quantity that were being done, right? And I can remember, I was just like, sit there and you know, be like, you piece of shit, you know, you're you're doing

29:24coke. Like what a piece of shit you guys are. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there with a bottle of Jack Daniel's just going to town on it, right? Like, who am I to say that? I did. Here's a funny story. I came back from the bars and I was like, I don't know. I was hammered and I walk into this my buddy's apartment and there's a group of guys doing cocaine in their kitchen. And I walked there was like cocaine on this cutting board, like a cooking cutting board. And I went over and I put my hand on the cutting board and I just swiped it all into the sink, right? And I'm like, not today, motherfuckers or whatever. And they dude, I thought I was going to get shot. Like the guy's like, that was 600 fucking dollars. You know, just blowing up at me. And I'm like, I don't want to be around that shit, right? Like I don't want to be around it. Because I mean, you get caught with cocaine back in the early 2000s. You're going to jail,

30:27right? I could be drunk. I'm going to get a ticket and you're drunk in public, right? Whatever. Nothing was going to happen to me. I was 21 or whatever. And so I can remember some scenarios like that. I just didn't I didn't I for some reason was like, dude, not cool to do the hardcore drugs and yeah, kind of I just glad because I was a complete well, not completely different. The volume of who I was got turned up dramatically when I would drink, right? So funnier, louder, I'd take more risks. I mean, I you know, that bridge in Iowa City that runs from the old capital across to where all the fraternities are at. We would we'd climb up after the bars would get out. It's like two or three in the morning. We'd go to that bridge, jump off of it into the river. Like, and then when you go by sober on that bridge, there's a list of all the people who have died jumping off the bridge in memory of all these people. And I'm just like, Jesus, like just stupid

31:28stupid decisions, man. Yep. Yep. I have a story. It's it's it's not my story. It's a story that my dad told me about some guys that he went to high school with. And we don't have to get it deep into just like telling crazy stories, but it's this one's wild. It's on my mind. It's local. You know, you know, six street in Cedar Rapids. It's it's the road that our kids school is just off of. 1965 turns into six street. Yep. So, you know, that all used to be farmland and smaller residential stuff. Now it's all built up, but my dad went to high school in the area. And a guy that he went to high school with got into trouble with his with his drug dealer. So, he got hooked on drugs and then ended up getting a lot of drugs from him and not not paying him. So they they're there are two brothers and one one brother was the drug addict that that owed the drug dealers a lot of money. The other brother wasn't in trouble with them, but just kind

32:32of guilty by association, right? Yeah. So the the drug dealers caught up caught the guy's brother. So not not the addict, but the addict's brother caught him. And because the his brother had been like avoiding them for months. And so they were pissed. So they took this guy into their garage and they'd beat all of his joints with the ball. Pain hammer. So turned all of his joints to mush with the ball pain hammer. They strapped him in the chair and just beat him. And then they took him to a barn that that at the time this if it was like out felt like it was out in the country took him into this barn and they injected battery acid into his veins. They hooked him up with an IV and they just pumped battery acid through his veins and they just left him there. And obviously he died and please found him and and you know I it's funny because like growing up I drove by all those places a million times and just it was it was I was probably in my late 20s early 30s when my dad told me the story.

33:34We were sitting at a diner and he's like oh see that garage that's like right on the other side of the fence from this diner. I'm like yeah he's like yeah my buddy's brother. Don't start. He's drug dealers a whole lot of money and they caught his brother and tie it strapped him to a chair in that garage and beat all of his joints to a pulp with the ball. Pain hammer. And then you know that barn that that just down the street I was like yeah they he said yep then they took him down there and they they hooked up an IV and pumped his veins full of battery acid I was like oh my god like a thing that I took away from that was like there's a fucking underside. Oh yeah. Every community has like an underbelly an underside where it's like dude bat like bad shit like that happened in Cedar Rapids in the 70s. Yeah you know like this crazy fucking shit everywhere. That's gangster. Yeah yeah super gangster and you know what's then to tie it back to like present day it's like you don't know which little shit bag kid it is at your kids

34:41school that's gonna be the piece of shit. Yeah you don't know which kids gonna take a hard left in life and and you just don't want your kid attached to them. Yeah and I don't wish that on any kid but like you know it's gonna happen. Yeah you know it's gonna happen. So we've got to we've got to train our kids right and we've got to we've got to tell them like hey you're gonna get exposed to this stuff and yeah people are gonna ask you to do this stuff and people are gonna offer you to do this stuff and people are gonna pressure you to do this stuff and you have to say no to it. Yeah have to say no to it because it can go really bad. Absolutely. Um that's that's an obvious decision right like hey man if someone offers you crystal meth it would be in your best interest to say no right right although here's what I will say if they gave me like doctor goes hey dude you're you got something terminal you got a month I'm probably gonna try some crazy shit one time just to see

35:44just to see what it's like right yeah you know um so I interviewed a guy on my other podcast who um he found hunting and that was his way out of the drug game found you know a little bit of faith a little bit of hunting and that kept him out of he went to like jail for eight years for crystal meth distribution and I'm like what's it like to do crystal meth he's like it's like turning into the incredible hawk right just imagine like feeling that type of power like and so he was less like dude it is so awesome it is so awesome and then you're like oh that's cool and now you know why people get addicted to that stuff it's because it makes you just but then it's like must have it and you turn into golem from Lord of the Rings and then you're like I gotta get it you know and then yeah next thing you know you're stripping copper out of abandoned buildings yeah dude

36:46oh my god yep yeah for real another important decision that I think so divorces right they are up dramatically than what they were right it doesn't seem like anybody wants to put into any effort we've seen this we've talked about the happiness scale and in our our age group right now in 40s to 50s is the lowest point in the happiness scale and I'm gonna be completely honest man I get it I understand why okay but a lot of people hit that point in their marriage and they just say fuck it I'm out right somebody says it there's no like there's no working through it because the older couples that you talk to that have made it through it seems it seems that it rebounds and the happiness goes up and you find your partner again in all these things

37:50meanwhile you know like I'll just be completely honest I feel like my wife probably feels that she's not appreciated and I feel like I'm not appreciated because we're not spending enough time on each other and we are spending more time on everything else in life right and so that's a trend that I kind of see I mean and I dude I just feel like I'm hearing about every other month now I'm hearing about a friend going through divorce or someone that I know I'm like man that sucks yeah and so I'm trying I always have this because like how do you pick the right person knowing that in you know after you have a couple kids your life is gonna change not everybody stays the same people evolve into different opinions and things like that yeah yeah yeah man I think that's I think that's such a powerful thing I also I think there's no guarantees if you got to pick somebody you have to pick a quality person from the beginning yeah and you need to have high

38:52standards and you need to be picky if you marry somebody that has like a lot of obvious problems like you're I think you're starting off at a deficit but then I think I think there's like a fallacy that that we fall into which is thinking that good relationships just happen and like oh the people that end up staying married forever like oh they just got lucky I have not done a good job of this but it puts it on my radar to do a good job of this with my kids to explain to them the importance of keeping a relationship good and and to continue to enjoy your partner and to have fun with them and keep things lighthearted and and so so many people talk about the trap of making your kids your biggest priority instead of your spouse and that if you if you make your kids your biggest priority then your spouse gets alienated and you to your you guys lose your connection and you drift apart and then maybe you can salvage it and maybe you can't but but you know at least the

39:55kids got the attention but if you can keep the the relationship primary then you'll have a good relationship with your partner forever you know you'll have your ups and downs but you'll have a good relationship with your partner forever and then your kids will just reap the benefits of having happy parents right so I think it's so hard to not fall into putting your kids first like your kids are obviously important but it seems like it stands to reason that your spouse would be the most important relationship for you to to tend to and then then have like a really really good relationship with your kids after that but man you're you and your spouse are the anchor for your kids and if you guys aren't good then how good are your kids really that's fact dude that's a fact man it's just it's so hard right like I know I know I should be maybe taking my wife out for some more date nights

40:59but what we have decided as a family is to stack our our week every night with some kind of kid activity right three kids some some nights I can't even take one of us can't even take our kid we have to rely on another parent who's going to that to pick up and drop off like that's crazy to me okay and so so now at the end of the day it's just like who is this person like I I guess that's been a while since I've truly got to know them and then you hit this distance and you're and you're you're away from each other and you may be in the same room but you're away from each other so long you're like man why isn't this person doing this for me or why am I not doing this for this person and then you just kind of open your eyes one day and you realize like this person's changed right like maybe I've changed too I hope I hope I'm not drastically different but I don't know it's just yeah and then you're so busy that all these decisions that you've

42:04been making have led to a chaotic life instead of it being slowed down and relaxed and being able to enjoy moments like I feel like since my life has been picked up from an activity schedule and a speed of it that I'm having trouble even remembering a certain period of life like do you remember when your boy was this age and he did this thing I was like I need pictures to remind me right that stuff you know what I mean I can't think about the soccer games or the flag football games or the t-ball games anymore so far away yeah right right no that's a really good point and and also to point it is really fun to look at pictures because it's like oh yeah that's right oh my god look how little they are like that's all really fun you know a thing that I've been interested in and interested in and I think I'm probably just going to pull the trigger on this is have you ever seen any advertisements for like those like decks of cards that have questions on them I have yes those look pretty cool yeah I've seen those on my Instagram flip is your home to win

43:09this football season think your cubies throwing for 300 yards flip right he is running back finding the end zone flip yeah pick two or more players and go over under on their stats passing yards rushing yards catches touchdowns however you football there's a way to flip it new customers get a deposit match up to $250 plus bonus catch on every flip and deposit damn low flip use promo code steal must be 18 plus no purchase necessary void were prohibited restrictions applied play responsibly see get flipped on calm for eligibility terms and full promotion rules this podcast is supported by your southern California key of dealers living in southern California your SUV needs to do a little bit of everything from the daily commute to weekends at the beach road trips to Palm Springs and family adventures in Big Bear that's why having the right SUV matters Kia has an SUV built to fit just about every lifestyle with traditional gas hybrid and all electric models across the lineup you'll find sophisticated design rugged capability generous cargo space available seating for up to seven and on select models driving range of more than 600 miles

44:11one model that really stands out is the all new 2027 Kia Celto's it's a small SUV with big SUV capability featuring class leading interior space unavailable turbocharged engine and available multi terrain all-wheel drive whether you're navigating city streets or heading out for a weekend in the mountains or along the coast it's ready for wherever life takes you whatever your lifestyle has an SUV designed to fit your needs learn more at kea dot com or visit your southern California key a dealer commercials yeah yeah same and i've always been like yeah that'd be super cool um i think i'm just gonna pull the trigger on that and then i think i'm gonna find a time for us to get together because i thought like that would be super fun then i thought well when the hell would we do that yeah because we're the same same as you made probably to a lesser degree but still pretty fucking busy that we know we have we have something for the kids man five or six days a week every week yeah and so we're just tired and we're busy and then then we each just

45:12get the tired version of ourselves because we are playing just tired um but i think i'm gonna get i'll get a deck of those cards and i'm gonna i'm gonna go through them with my wife and then maybe after that i'll just give them to you maybe those can do just like a traveling i'll get them all you some i'll give them to you you use them you give them to somebody else they use them so on so forth yeah thanks yeah i'm down with that i'm a hundred percent down with something like that okay i'm gonna order something today okay so yes decision-making very important right like and this is where like i i feel like i've i've had some really good advice from people over the years about what you should be looking for in a partner and not from my parents right not from my parents from other people and that's kind of like dude i'm gonna tell you something this is gonna sound crazy but when i was dating people right uh going through the you know the

46:16age of sowing my seed so to speak i had this crazy rule that i would give myself and it was if a girl let me have sex with her before we were officially dating i wouldn't date her right because that's for some reason a a deal breaker now how sexist does that sound that sounds pretty sexist right but at the same time i'm looking for a potential mom of my children a wife like that who needs to have some kind of standards right and maybe that's completely unfair it might be unfair but that's just how and how i'll be completely honest with you my wife shut me down right like when we before we were even dating she shut me down and i i looked at that and i went holy shit i like that about her i actually liked getting blue balls for that moment right like i was just like

47:19okay all right all right started dating her right then some things happened but she didn't like commit to sex right away and i was just like okay cool i like that that's a good trait because i want my daughter to have that kind of trait too right and so and so i uh that's i don't know why i i brought that up but it's just a decision like when i went looking for my wife i didn't you know they what they say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife like the rapper say so i don't know man i don't know if that's fair or not but that's just how i did it yeah yeah no i think i think it's i think it's worth talking about and i do think that makes sense that it's like you when you bump into somebody that has higher standards then that's that's impressive you find more value there yeah i think that makes a lot of sense yeah i always told myself that i i want to marry the person that everybody that knows them says oh my god she's the nicest person i know yeah like i always

48:20in my in my head thought that would be really cool if i could find that person that would be awesome and i'll tell you what a lot of girls that i dated were not that person no and so i knew like oh this isn't this isn't it this isn't right and and when i met when i met my current wife um did she was just nice as fuck and then anybody i ever met that knew her was like holy shit she's the nicest person i have ever met right and i'm like yep that's right this is good so it comes to decision making like i had that in my head like i want to marry a really really nice person and i wanted to hold out for that and um and then then i met Laura and she's just like crazy nice yeah everybody loves her she's never done anybody wrong she can't lie to save her own life like she's just just a total sweetheart and i was like all right this is a quality person but i i had to have standards for that to happen though yeah you know like if you don't know who you are and what you stand for and if you don't know what you want then like we'll just go with anything right right

49:24and that's probably like it's crazy how i don't know like when it comes to sex right i think there's something to like not having a ton of sex as a youngster and getting married without a ton of sexual partners you know some people would would disagree with me right but i feel like the more sexual partners that you have then the the less realistic expectations you have for marriage after that is and then you're always comparing that part of whatever it is you're doing against the your your past line up you know what i mean oh well this person did this and made me feel this way and yeah you can't do that you know like yeah and so i don't know it off the top of my head i could look it up but i do think there is some research on um how the number of partners affects happiness in uh uh long-term relationship or a marriage and i do think that they're that the

50:29the more partners you've had the less the less quality your your marriage ends up being yeah generally speaking like there's there's a threshold it might be like two or three if you've had sex two or three or four people before you got married like you stay under that then cool but if you go over that then it gets worse and worse and worse yeah absolutely absolutely and so it's just like i get into this thing and i'm just like maybe it is worth this virginity like being a uh a virgin because i'll tell you what sex is fun right doing some crazy shit is fun however that doesn't translate into a great relationship uh as far as parenting is concerned and then if you never tasted any other fruit so to speak right and you've only you and your husband are the only people you have ever been with or you and your your wife then you don't have anybody to compare it to and so now you you're you're living the best version of yourself by default you know what i mean pretend you know

51:32if you're actually i don't know no no actually i mean that line of thinking makes a lot of sense and i do think it can go that way i i will also say i've actually had a handful of clients over the course of my career that that were virgins before they got married and their partner is the only person that they've ever been with and and they they when when they're when difficulty comes up in their relationship the thought creeps in like holy shit i don't know i maybe i didn't have enough experience i wonder what else there is out there for me like why is that you know i shoot like i'm i'm i'm i've only ever been with this person like i don't even know what i really like i didn't get to experiment like i i i i'm not i don't feel fulfilled and i don't know if i don't know why i don't know if it's because i'm not getting enough or because um or you know me like is the sex fine is it not fine like do i have a good connection with them or not it's hard hard for me to say because i don't have anything to compare it to or somebody that's more experienced in dating might

52:35be like oh no this is fine like these are just small little ripples this is no big deal i've i've had some shitty relationships this person i'm with is quality but a person that's never been in a relationship like that how can they tell between a ripple and a wave yeah you're 100% you're 100% right so this mostly to look at it yeah it's almost like uh you know the mid-life crisis that guys are aged go through it's just like done with my life like in my living a fulfilled life right now like i wish i could go do this i wish i could go do this right whatever um and that's where i have found out that and this is uh how maybe you call i don't want it's probably in in a dick it could be consumed as an addiction but um uh how it can mess up expectations ornography yeah dude and dude you know all the research that i've done and when i say research

53:38it's me like reading up on certain things like oh dude i'm a man right men consume more porn than women by far right however what i will say is i've consumed it before i have done the thing you know like i've consumed pornography before and it might be one of the hardest things that i've ever had to stop doing okay especially when you get into this type of lol in the unhappiness scale you think that pornography is going to give you happiness or increase your level and it does the exact opposite so you need more of it to try to feel a certain way at just like any drug and the next thing you know you're like holy shit i'm just fucking everything up right why you know for a man it's like well why does it my wife do these things what you fucking kidding me right yeah like right did she never do that shit right and so and those women don't really even either those women are

54:40only doing it because they're getting paid and it's on camera yeah exactly exactly so with all that said we have now we haven't again an unrealistic set of expectations that you're holding on someone who has not agreed to those expectations and you're just you're degrading yourself from a like because it's not like you just feel really good about yourself after consuming porn you're like and i'm kind of a piece of shit right and then what happens is you get into a cycle where maybe you approach your wife or your girlfriend and they reject you and then you're like hmm this sucks because i'm in the mood they're not and how do you deal with the rejection you're on the pornography and then you you just get into a cycle where it's just bad all around you and so that's one thing that i've stopped doing and it's uh it for a while it was really hard to walk away from that

55:42it was not it was not a cold turkey thing it was something that i walked away from so back into it yeah walked away from and now i'm happy to say like the it's been a long time since i've consumed pornography what tips what tips what advice would you give to the guys that are like if there's a guy listening to this and he's going oh shit i'm glad they're talking about this because i haven't talked about this with anybody but it's something that i'm going through like what tips are advice would you give for trying to break that cycle i would you want you want to know one thing i would be like what would happen if sounds fucking nuts all right i'll say it like as i've started with this journey of faith and believing that god is around me at all times like would you jack off in front of god nope okay well that answers that and that might sound that might sound real creepy or like you're consuming porn and your mom walks in or your your dad walks in and i think about things like that

56:46or what happens if my kids walking do i want my kids to do this or be in this no i don't want that and so i'm holding myself responsible for like other people right and as a leader i can't say don't drink alcohol don't consume pornography don't do drugs and then do all of those things yeah i don't want to be a hypocrite you know what i mean so i don't know and the scary thing kyle is this phone has access to everything you want all the bad things in life right here on the phone i'm sure on in like i'm sure even on instagram kyle you're scrolling through some instagram and all of a sudden out of nowhere there is something that should not be on instagram pop up and you're like wait a second how did this even get on here right and you're then you're like okay well scroll and then you stop for a moment but even if you're just in shock you're like

57:49okay and then you scroll it's already changed your algorithm yeah right so that more of that shit pops up and then you have to like then i got to go search in big bucks or fishing and like start scrolling through fishing pictures to change my algorithm or something like that yeah it's gnarly and and kids see that oh yeah kids see that yeah so right you know another thing is that like this January bear knuckle fighting championship takes over the ocean the inaugural Bruce crew sells for Miami to the Bahamas aboard the Norwegian Jewel three straight days with pool deck bear knuckle fights in the Caribbean massive parties beach events DJs cigars to kill the tastings and non stop action the light up reveals coming soon cabins are disappearing fast and the prices won't stay this low reserve your spot with just $200 down at bkf sea.com premier hosts on verbo deliver quality vacation rental stays with fast responses and clear

58:50instructions so you don't have to worry about surprises i asked our host a question about the house last night and he got back to me super quick see that's the premier host move right there i wish i had a premier group chat i asked them where we should have dinner last night and they left me on red i know you saw it it says it classic group chat move don't walk into a surprise book a top rated verbo stay with a premier host if you know you verbo all of your history is recorded like what if what if something happened and you you were sitting in court and they started reading off your search history oh yeah you know and you're just sitting there like oh god yeah not that oh they said it oh my god i'm ruined my reputation will never come back from this like good good there there is shame there and the thing about pornography was how early on i remember seeing it because of a friend's older

59:55brother or something like i was just out there house like playing legos or some shit like that and an older brother would walk up throw it down on the on the floor and we're like hey look at this and then you look at it and you're like okay and then you get a little older and then the testosterone starts to hit the man's body and now that's doing something to you like you can look at a woman's curves yeah and you're like oh oh like yeah math book time whatever and so you you you add that stage in the life with and it's so hard to beat because it's like you're every every ounce of you wants to reproduce you know what i mean it's it's nature right it's crazy man it's crazy oh yeah no i totally agree i think it'd be a person to be foolish to not a person to be foolish to downplay the power that that has um i i think uh

1:00:55the earlier somebody gets exposed to pornographic images the worst and also the manner in which they get exposed is is important as well so if you can if you can shelter your kids for as long as you possibly can that's really good yeah um you know it's tricky because i feel like times have changed a lot in terms of like kids having sleepovers and kids being unattended and stuff and and i get it um i had i had lots of sleepovers when i was a kid um so my r-sons are in third grade um did some of my fondest memories were like on a weekend i'd get to ride the bus home to my friend's house and then i could just spend the night there and dead on just luckily all of my friends were healthy right and and awesome but that easily could have gone the other way and and being a counselor for the past 15 years um i've certainly heard stories of how those innocent innocent sleepovers turned really bad for some kid where yeah like it might not

1:01:59have even been the other kid there might have been an older brother that perked on the younger kids friend um i've had clients who's they spent the night at a friend's house and they were all asleep and they woke up to the friend's dad doing something to them get out of here oh yeah dude it's it's more common than you think i've had i've actually had multiple clients with that with that story yeah man yeah that there that you know it'd be a little girl sleeping on a couch at a friend's house or even sleeping in her friend's room with with her friend and you know just wakes up to the friend's dad doing something to her and it's like fuck dude i don't you know i don't want any of that for my kids and like i actually i actually think and you you would probably feel the same way i would guess like every family does my my kids friends families are awesome like i actually really like all of my kids friends families and and still were my kids haven't had a sleepover anywhere yet yeah you know and that's that's not a judgment on any of my kids friends

1:03:04families because like i said i actually freaking really respectful i i think we're blessed and lucky to have such quality people in our lives right and also you know the one way to make sure that that never happens to your kid yeah just don't let them ever be in a situation like that yeah you know and stay over camps and sleepover camps and stuff is another place that like i've heard some it's it's not it's not like it's likely to happen it's just that where where might there be the opportunity for something to happen it's a sleepaway camp it's a it's a friend's house where like oh you really like the family but like they have an older the the family the your little kids friend has an older sibling and their older sibling is awesome but they had a friend over and you didn't know that friend was going to be over and then that friend did something so it wasn't even your your kids friends family like you just never know you don't know what happens outside of your own house yeah for sure that is that's nuts yeah one of the one of the last things i want to talk to you about

1:04:07is how decisions impact other people from from this standpoint okay let's say me and you we've been through life together we're both drug addicts or alcoholics um i clean up right you you decide not to in this scenario right i am starting to see all the benefits from living a so there's a sober healthier lifestyle and then i kind of realize like now i'm casting judgment on you for living your life even though i lived the same exact life that you have but i've changed now and now like i don't want to cast judgment on you but i also don't want to live that lifestyle anymore right and so i feel like how do you you how do you have that that that conversation with someone who is who is in therapy that has

1:05:14done that and how they not necessarily walk away because sometimes those people can be your husband or your wife and as you change and but they don't have to change right right there's nothing that says they have to yeah and whether that's a thought whether it's an action things like that how do you have that conversation with people yeah man uh protect your own castle and pray for the other person you it is 100% your responsibility to protect your own castle and everybody in it that's you and your family so you can be your own castle like it's just you you have to protect yourself you have to do what's right for you so in a sense you are your own castle then in another sense your you and your family are your your castle right your family is inside your castle and it's your fucking job to protect them right and so that is your highest priority and like being nice and nice with somebody or not hurting somebody else's feelings is not worth putting your own family members at risk and so you protect your own castle and then you pray for for other people

1:06:19that you care about yeah man i've cleaned up i'm not doing that anymore i can't hang out with you i still love you i still care about you i only hope the best for you i really i really hope that you clean up i really hope do you get on a better path right now i'm trying really hard to be the best version of me i can be trying really hard to be here for my family so i'm going to have to like pull away from this relationship and focus on my family but i i really hope the best for you yeah yeah that's how i see it and that becomes harder the closer you are to that person right like percent or whether whether it's a mom or a brother or like a husband wife scenario right where one of one of them wants to do like grows the different direction and stuff like that and then now there's this resentment towards that person who's just like man like i've tried real hard and now you're not doing that yeah right you're not you're not

1:07:20you're not going down this path you know and that could be anything from like drugs and alcohol to like political views right like i almost think like let's say to two people who agreed on everything and one guy was like oh my god i just don't know if i feel that way anymore i almost feel like that did you hear about that Lindsey Clancy yeah uh you know that Lindsey Clancy case we talked about oh yeah there was a guy who called off his wedding yeah because she she sided with her or whatever thing was yeah and he's like i cannot in good judgment marry you because of that one thought right and so luckily that guy i don't know luckily whatever that guy got out of it before he got married and had kids with this lady when other people have those same type of riffs from a thought standpoint or alcohol standpoint belief system standpoint in the smack dab middle of their marriage yeah right right so

1:08:28hard oh i totally agree with you and some some differences can be managed in some camp right you know um you know if if if my wife got addicted to drugs i would still love her i would still care about her i would still do whatever i could for her and also it's my job to protect my kids right so like you know me loving and caring about my wife wouldn't mean that i would have to let her be around my kids in a fucked up state and and just to be transparent with all the listeners at home like that's not an issue my wife's never done drugs she thought she was allergic to alcohol for like 10 years because she took a drink and like her nose itched so she didn't drink for like 10 years so no she's that's not an issue but um so one more thing i know that we need to wrap up pretty soon but yeah when it comes to like decision making generally speaking if you don't know what to do um i at least encourage people to just just don't do the wrong thing if there's if there's a

1:09:28thing that you know isn't the good thing to do just don't do that just don't do that if something's telling you to not do it or if you already know that it's not good not a good thing just don't do it if you're dating somebody and you're like gosh i'm just not sure about this don't marry him if you're at a party and your friends are like encouraging you to drink or try it try any drug and there's and you're going like oh i don't think so i shouldn't i shouldn't just don't do it like you don't always have to do the right thing because you might not always know you're you can't predict the future you don't know what the best decision is all the time but man the wrong decisions are often pretty fucking obvious yeah just don't just don't do the wrong thing don't do what you know is obviously bad yeah even though sometimes the wrong thing is the path of least resistance oh totally like like going with what your friend group is doing yeah yeah exactly exactly well another great conversation you know i don't i hope we covered something there that was helpful to somebody i know just saying some of these things out loud it gives me perspective and

1:10:33and allows me to think a little bit outside of the box on the relationships that i have or with the vices that many of us struggle with you know so um kyle man as always i love the insight that you bring and um uh to everybody do us a huge favor go to spotify go to itunes or apple podcast wherever you download and listen subscribe five star review all that stuff and uh everybody have a great week and we'll talk to you next time if you put your name on a vehicle you're signing off on its quality and your southern california four dealers don't take that lightly for this number one for jd powers new vehicle quality among mainstream brands with a build for top truck you instantly get more capable especially with a quality of four f one fifty and super new that's more jd power initial quality awards for trucks than any other brand two years in a row see the award winning lineup yourself visit your local southern california four dealer and take a test ride today summer's full of reasons to look your best

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