#786 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + SAM TALLENT

0:00Flowing ad-bunch it on metrics that look great, till the CFO sees them, that's Bullspend. And marketers are calling it out in dashboard confessions. I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand when leads were slow. Yeah, it wasn't. Cut the Bullspend. LinkedIn lets you target by company, job title, and more. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a $250 credit go to LinkedIn.com slash campaign Terms the conditions apply. Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the GoldenPony TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony.

1:00Hey, this is RedBan and coming to you live from the Comedy Mother's Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony. Get up right Tony and go! Who's ready for the best bucket? Night of their lives. Yeah, and that is indeed the best standband in the land, ladies and gentlemen. The great Michael Gonzales on the drums. The human butt plug mat muleing on the electric guitar.

2:02The great John Bees on the keys. And believe it or not, live in the flesh. That is de-madness on the bass guitar. Oh shit, what a crowd we have here tonight. You guys ready for some fucking fun or what? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. Hey listeners, here's a little riddle for you. What a gear heads, news junkies, biohackers, comedy nerds, and true crime obsessed wine moms all have in common. They've heard a hell of a lot of zipper cruder ads. Let's face it, zipper cruder is everywhere. Why are they everywhere? Because great candidates for all your different roles are everywhere, just like you. These people listen to business shows, sports shows, and yes, even this show. And when these candidates hear all these ads, it increases the chances of them going to zipper cruder and responding to your job posts. So ultimately, you meet the very best sooner.

3:04That's where we found Heidi on zipper cruder, believe it or not, RedBam. Of course, you can't meet them unless you go to zippercruder.com slash kill a Tony to try it out for free. Then once you post your job, zipper cruders, powerful matching technology, finds the top talent quickly. And zipper cruder has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates fast. So you meet them faster. No wonder four out of five employees, employers who post on zipper cruder, get a qualified candidate first, like the first day. That's right. And I'm looking for someone to read as a cohost right now. But if you go to zippercruder.com slash kill a Tony to post your job for free, once again, that's zippercruder.com slash kill a Tony. Oh, and if you forgot where to go, don't worry. You'll hear another zippercruder ad real soon. If you need to hire fast, post your job on zipper cruder in minutes. And we'll quickly find the best people for your job. We'll even show you the most interested candidates first. So you can start talking to the right people faster. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus.

4:05Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode, add free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff extra bits. You're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters. Go to killtonysupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I booked this thing, I'm going to be honest with you. Some weeks are better than others. How many of you have been fans of the show for what you would consider a long time?

5:06Well, then you're in for a real treat. I mean, talk about an interesting mixture of two different types of all-time great guests. One of them known for absolute chaos. Known for absolutely running off sometimes. Known for leaving the show randomly. The only person to walk off. Multiple times. Known for his accidental love of trans comedians. The other guests highly considered one of the greatest guests in the show's history. Everybody loves them. We love both of them. They are indeed two of the best stand-up comedians in the world. I present to you one of the greatest mixtures I've ever booked in my entire life. Make some fucking noise for the great Sam Talant and Don't Know Rowling.

6:07The great Sam Talant. Sam's new novel, Brute, is out September 22nd available for pre-order now. It's about a marine hitman in Paris killing a lot of people. So please, it's a violent sexual thriller. The great Donnell Rawlings. I am so happy to be ranked the worst guest in the history of the Killtony Universe. I'll work years to get this title. And please, Juanita, if you're watching, I'm not going to fuck you. Save the fuck out of my deal, Juanita.

7:09We will not fuck you. You have single-handedly made me allergic to everything white, Tony. White chocolate. I was watching JAWS the other day. I turned it because it was a great white shark. White is dead in my life. It was very easy to tell who you were introducing when you gave the intro. What we looked to say, one dog version and one white version, which wins. And hey, it's a hole in the dark. You know what I mean? I absolutely love it. What the hell did I just miss? I don't know. Latinos bonding. They do that. These guys are both at hilarities in Cleveland separately. One, uh... Why not his black knife? Yeah, you guys listening in a Northeast Northern Ohio know which one is for you.

8:12We're both urban acts. People buy their tickets day of Tommasho as well. People don't show up Tommasho. I'll black you, nigga! Donnell is also at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Of course he has the Donnell Rawlings show. SamTalent.com for tickets for him. DonnellRawlings.com for tickets for him. That's how you know I have two great guests because it's their name and dot com. That's how you know nowadays. Some people are like, go to my Instagram and click on my bio to get tickets. But you guys are two of the most legendary guests in the show's history. You guys know how the show works. People in name out of this magical buck in which about 300 human beings signed up for tonight. They get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts their set. And then we talk about their set. We find out more about them.

9:12They go from being a stand-up comedian doing a minute to a guest on the largest live podcast in the world. Number one on YouTube right now. My goodness gracious. Number one on YouTube. I believe the second biggest video out is conspiracy videos about our podcast. So I'm pretty sure that we are just pretty much. Yeah. We are in the graveyard if you know what I mean. I really, really crazy times. I'm not. I never show up in those and it hurts my feelings. It's amazing. You need to swing by more. You have to get some of that sweet, sweet, peter teal money that we're all getting. I love any money from anyone right now. There are two holes in my roof. Please come to Holarities and Cleveland. All you have to do is Joe Rogan's podcast. We're all in the Illuminati. I've done it twice. Holarities, Cleveland this weekend. Plenty of tickets available. I'm going to let in the next week I'll be the official. That's right.

10:12Hell yeah. If the roof is left on. I'm going to let this defensive coordinator who took a massive loss this weekend. Pick the first name. And while we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night, we have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain. The return of one of our favorite golden ticket winners of all time. It's been a while since he's been on this show. He just moved to Austin, Texas this week. Originally from Japan. He used to live last week. He lived in Toronto. And he is the newest resident of Austin, Texas. This is the long awaited return of Kansaiya Suda. Hello. Hi. I am Japanese. Japanese. I just moved here. Trying to get culture.

11:13Trying to get used to the cultures here. One of them is a bro culture. You got some of the bros. They're confusing. I've been studying them. And I found out the bros, they are so afraid to be seen as a gay person. But they also like to do some really gay stuff. The other day, he texted me a picture of his ball sack. And I was afraid. What's his intention? I thought about it. He just texted me if I can take a ball sack as a human. So I was like respect. I got to do the same thing. I was like, I'm not going to say anything. Nothing. Like a Hiroshima.

12:14Picture. Picture of my balls. Also, ink or penis. For surprise attack. For a harbor. And I sent it to him. He told me for like two days. And I was like, bro, what did I do wrong? And this bro told me I'm valuable. Listen, he told me balls is bro. Penish. Super gay. What's the difference? It's the same company. That's my time. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. You sued up. Thank you. I spent some more time here in Austin. That accent gets thicker somehow every week. Check in with the crew here. You sound like me doing an impression of a Japanese guy. I'm racist as hell when you were in the back in the green room.

13:14I saw you had sushi back there and he was siddh beside me. Yeah, he brought it. I just assumed he made this shit. I was like, good job. There was some time. Sleeping on couches. Yeah. You used to sleep on bamboo mats. We sleep in a floor. I'm used to anything. I'm good. Were you talking about couches or were you saying culture? Culture. Culture. Oh, that's what I wrote it down. I wrote down culture. And then I was going to ask him. I wrote down culture because I'm like, what does that mean to culture? Maybe since he's crashing on couches. I realized halfway through, you're trying to say the word culture. Culture. Yeah, culture. Culture. So which one of us was racist then? Who's in trouble for this? Let me apologize in your language. Go min nesai. Oh. Oh. Arigato. Arigato gizamas.

14:14Okay. So, a con site. You moved to Austin, Texas this week. I purposefully didn't talk with you in the green room about it. Tell us about this whole thing. Oh, yeah. So I got the, I got the bea here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you got the bea? Yeah. Get the bea there. I'm free. Oh, my goodness. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Look at that. Thank you, man. Yeah. It took so much time. That's what happens. Yeah. Do it legally. Incredible. Haven't seen James McCannon a while. I'll have questions. I'll have questions. I'll have questions. I'll have questions. I'll have questions. I'll have questions. A lot of the paper work. And no one's better at paper work. That's right. He fell out their forms. It's part of their culture. What do you think he was saying? I want it. This is a crazy question. But our slanted women's vagina sideways. I mean, our Asian women's vagina slanted and said way.

15:15Yeah. I've heard that rumor. You've never been with an Asian woman before, Donald. Ah. You've been with an Asian person? Fuck you and one, Nina. It's so abusive at this motherfucking table. So, Kansai, here you are in Austin, Texas. What's your living situation? I'm crushing my friends' culture right now. So you are a culture. You're a culture with culture. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. So, is your girlfriend still working at the ramen place in Toronto? She moved to Australia. Oh. Long distance. Oh boy. That's counterculture. It's a... Okay. So, how long has she been in Australia?

16:15She just moved there. When? It's like, same time as me two days ago. Okay. This is incredible. Do you think it's going to work for you guys? Her being in Australia around a bunch of crazy off-spring of former prisoners? I know. And you here in Austin, Texas, where even the threes are hot for some reason? So hot. It is incredible. So, Austin, Texas. There's something in the barbecue here. Yes. You're touching yourself right now, just thinking. Yeah. Got a little... Someone's got a little ramen in their hand, huh? You know what? Show them. Show them. Show them. Oh my goodness. You're going to Terry, your yucky, you keep pulling like that. Two fish balls. Two fish balls. Oh. Ro, ro, ro, your boat. All right. Sir,vation. Masturbation. Very good. Masturbation. You've been practicing. Yes.

17:15I do that all the time. Yeah. So, how do you think this is going to work? You guys are just going to FaceTime all the time? Yeah, FaceTime. Maybe like, hopefully later on we can just, you know, have a BDO 6. Why... A little sex? Yeah. Why you're Australia, though? Yeah, why did she go to Australia? She doesn't have a visa here. Oh. So, she's going to work there to save money. I don't know what she's going to do. She's going to be horrible and brave for a visa to just go to another country. Another... Another... See you, RayRar! I love this, sir. Yeah. I love this, sir. Are you going to open things up maybe while you're long distance? Try and get some flesh pleasure? I don't know the translation in Japanese. Fresh... Yeah, it's a fresh, fresh... Yeah, just the same. Yeah. I did... I did went to Mexico, Tijuana. Ooh. Yeah. $20. Saki-saki. Yeah.

18:15Wow! Look at that! We went from... We went from shy and secretive to very revealing. That's the prices after the war. Wow. Yeah. Hanzai Yusuda. Are you going to miss your famous ramen place in Toronto? Look at the camera and say, what is the name of that ramen place again? Yukushimen, Tondo Ramen. Very good. I understood that as well as I understood half your sentence. So this is incredible, Kansai. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Thank you. We are excited to see you more often. Welcome. Yes. Thank you. The newest resident to Austin, Texas. Can I try one thing? You can try whatever you want, my friend. Thank you. Alright, ahead. I want to do it with a Tokyo Kampai boys. Tokyo Kampai boys. It's a tour. You know, with the three Japanese people. He came here, you're discare, remember? Yeah, okay. What are you saying? Tokyo, what?

19:15Tokyo Kampai boys. Kampai. Kampai? No, Kampai. No, Kampai. Especially not for you. She cannot Australian. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's that. You guys are getting me in trouble, man. Look at me in trouble. I already said $20. It's like it's like, I'm going to be in a big trouble. I'm just $6.4. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, right. Yeah. How do you just have that sound good? Oh, he has the wackiest sound board of all time. It's crazy over here. Yeah, I want to Tokyo Kampai boys to do it with the three Japanese guys. How do people find tickets instead of saying punch? Punch up live. Live. Slash. Tokyo Kampai boys. Good fucking luck finding that everybody. Punch up. Tokyo Kampai boys. Look it up. Come on. Yeah. There you go. Thank you, guys. Come on. Yes, Sue, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. Now, that is the golden ticker winner.

20:15Believe it or not, even though I didn't understand half of what he said tonight, that is one of our elite comedians. So, imagine what this bucket's going to be like. That could be great. It could be great. It could be great. This is what we find all of our fucking legends is right out of this bucket. So, it could be the next great genius. It could be a psycho that didn't prepare anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview for your first bucket pull of the night. His name is Chad Ross. Everybody, here we go. Hello. Hello. Hey, guys. So, excited about the Texas Longorns win this weekend? Can I get it? Okay. Get it? Number one team in the country. Hell yeah. All right. So, I think that everybody has went way too far with the whole health craze. How many people are in support of that? Like, for example, there's organic everything. There's freaking organic pop tarts now. Like, what the hell?

21:16It's ridiculous. So, I'm at SAMS. I go to SAMS and I'm looking to buy a giant thing of honey. Okay? I'm looking at these two things of honey. I'm like, they have organic honey. I'm looking at it. And I'm trying to sigh. Like, is it worth extra $3 to go organic? Freakin' idiot. What the hell is organic honey? Like, it's bees. It's freaking bees. Like, what? We have free range bees now. We play in-yum music for some bees. Like, what the fuck? What is-what are they doing? How do we have organic honey? Like, it's just liberal-ass marketers trying to sell us crab we don't need. All right, Chad Ross ladies and gentlemen. Here we are, Chad. Welcome. How are you, buddy? I like your style. I think that was a rough minute, but I could tell there's something hilarious in there.

22:18Oh, man. Really? Was it rough? I feel like if Mayor Donnell said that word for word, it would have killed. I think- That is true. I feel like somebody finally beat me for the worst guess on Killton. No. I was waiting for the host to catch a predator walking. He just got that in. Do you want some cookies? I'll be right back. This would be a great place to escape to if you were being chased by predator catchers. But, welcome, Chad. This is your first time on this show, correct? Definitely first time. First time ever performing in front of any audience, oh, it's whoever. Wow. How old are you, Chad? I am 46. What made you want to start comedy here today? Wife died? Well? No. Wait, wait, Wife died and got away with it. She's- Yeah. She's very much alive. She has no idea I'm here, though. Where did she think you are right now? I am playing in the World Series of Poker Event here in Austin, Texas. Wow. So I'm here for that.

23:19You get eliminated today? No. Well, yesterday, but yeah. But- So was it planned were you ever going to sign up for this? Yes. If you were still in it, if you were still in the tournament, you wouldn't even be here, right? Right. Right. Yeah. I found out about Killtony because of Doug Polk's little thing. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And so, Poker Players in the World, the number one ranked heads-up player. Yeah. So he did a bit on this and that got me into Killtony. And I'm like, I've been writing material for years to have. I love it. I love it. It's tough to know what works and what doesn't when you haven't tried it before. You added somewhat of an angle. A lot better than a lot of people's first times. I could tell you that. At least you had an angle on it. I have a lot of questions. One, why did you hit yourself so hard in the head? It was incredible how hard you hit yourself. You don't need to do it that hard. I think it's more funny. I mean, people were like genuinely concerned. I mean, it was a very hard hit.

24:21It wasn't like even a slap. It was like a true thought. Do you feel okay? Are you okay after that? Yeah, no. It's like in Cushion, but I'm fine. Your ears are bleeding. Yeah. Well, that was the only one to give a fuck. I was like, do it again. Do it again. And after that said, you're, I'm still not going to know you was here. Chad, what the hell? Here's my next question. What the hell is a Sam's? Oh my God. You don't know what a Sam's Club is? Oh, Sam's Club. You just said Sam's. Sam's Club is a Sam's Club. I mean, who sells, who says the whole world? We don't believe in Sam's Club here. This is your... H.E.B. country, ladies and gentlemen. You got to learn the way. You come out pandering other Texas long horns. Big win. Anyway, it was a Sam's this week. And I was trying to buy some cooking honey. And these liberals, give me organic honey. By the way, have you seen the honey supplied they have at H.E.B.? They have round rock honey. Wow. Wow, absolutely incredible.

25:21Have you ever seen someone pander and it didn't work? That was kind of brutal. But he's figuring it out. You're figuring it out here. So tell us, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point? You're a poker player. What are you an engineer, mathematician type? No, I own a construction remodeling company. Grandet and more in Frisco, Texas. Frisco, Texas. Yeah. I live in Richardson, Texas. But yeah, that's where my company is. Frisco, what's the name of the company? Granite and more. Granite and more. Let's look up some Yelp reviews for Granite and more. This is a little segment on this show we call Bad Yelp Reviews, everybody. We'll see if you got it. You better hope you got all five stars. Everything you've got. You're very lucky because Redban has no idea how to spell Granite. It's ITE. Oh my god. With an E after the T. And we do amazing work. I know what this says, but we do awesome work. So everything on there is probably before I ever bought the company.

26:24By the way, Redban spells more with two O's, everybody. No, I thought it was like a lawyer. Like Granite and more. Very good, Redban. Yeah. What a retard. It's unbelievable. Every week you shock me. This is incredible. He thought it was a paint company for Granite. Okay, remind us, where is this company? Richardson, Texas. Frisco, Texas. Frisco, Texas. We're Nick Tennis, right? I can't believe you can't find it. It should be like, right? Oh, we're going to find it, buddy. Don't you worry. Again, he literally does no idea how to spell any of this. He had to pull up his VPN. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. He kicked his way over. I live around his head between me and Don L. Oh, shit. Here we go. Find the reviews there, Redban. Tap me when you're ready. I can see that one. It says, okay, here we go. Are you guys ready? This is one of our favorite segments. It's bad, you'll be on Killtony. Now, you are the business owner, correct?

27:25Yes. Here we go, buddy. Patty Y says, one star. I am astounded by the utter lack of professionalism. And organization at this so-called business. My husband and I moved to Texas a few weeks ago. I am seven months pregnant, and we are trying to start our family. Todd, the owner of Grand Asch, you've got your name wrong. I'll do it. It's a previous owner. That's why I'm saying. Oh. Yeah, yeah. How long ago did you sell the company? I got the company. I bought it the company in 2020. 2020. Yeah. I got news for you. This review is from five years ago. So here we go. All right. Well, he seemed very nice. He told me that my husband has been the best project manager. That's before my time. I'm telling you. Okay, that's a review. You'll know they're his when they say the owner really hates organic honey. Oh, it does say over five years ago. You know what? You're right.

28:25Oh, the guy before you. Oh, five stars. That's you. Woo! You know what? It all turned around when you got it. He wrote his own goddamn review. His name is on it. I just wasted three goddamn minutes trying to find a bad review. Look how excited he is. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for you. He's never done stand up or celebrated publicly before. What the hell was that, man? It's incredible. You might be one of the whitest humans ever on this show. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Whoa. Take it easy. Take it easy, Chad. Take it easy. But too many Asians on this episode, if that's the case. So Chad, tell us about your life. Other than poker, do you have any special skills or talents or anything? You seem like the kind of guy that like cuts things out of magazines and like makes a different person out of the different eyebrows and eyes and things. You don't look like that to me. Here's a doll. It's like a gamma-hon is wrapped up like, aww.

29:25I mean, you were famously on the cover of every episode of Mad Magazine for years. Now, here you are. For being on the comics to being a comic, here he is. I am one of those guys that for their whole life, everyone's like, Chad, God both broke the mold with you. Like, they always... Somehow, I thought Yasuda was easier to understand than you. Broke the mold? Yeah, bro. Oh, broke the mold. Broke the mold. Got it. Yeah, I need some water. I have some water. There's some jokes inside that can't do. It's like, probably all the way in. No, no, he's allergic. Okay. So... That's white trust right there. Yeah, absolutely. I'm pretty sure Chad's only... Many people would have never done anything. Why'd you say, yeah! I could tell from looking at him, Chad's only been with one woman his whole life without a doubt. He's not having reckless sex. Yeah, so... You want me to know, where are you? So you said broke the mold.

30:26Yeah, so I'm like a really unique guy. So people always... We do that, motherfucker. People always tell me that they should have a TV show walk me around. You know, follow me around. But why tell us the details? Now's your time to say it. You're on this show right now. Chill out, let me talk. Chill out, let me talk. Donnell's on this episode of Anselton. You don't have real friends. You don't have real friends. You don't have real friends. You don't have real friends. You don't have real friends. You don't have real friends. Come on, tell us some fun facts about you. Okay, I'm like a kind of crazy person. I love fun people. I need details. I'm trying to think of some details. I mean, what is... You were like, kill the hooker? Okay. What's crazy about you, Chad? Let me give you an example. Okay, so I'm sitting at the poker table playing poker with these guys. And one of the dealers like knows me and thinks I'm kind of weird or what. Yes, sir. So keep going, Chad, for the love of fucking goddess.

31:29So she goes, Chad, I don't know why, but you remind me of smegel. Smegel. Smegel, right? Smegel. From Lord of the Rings, that makes sense. No, no, no. No, you have the ears of smegel. She is correct. She is not the character. Not the character. The what? The historical figure? No, like, like, dick cheese. You know what I mean? Smegma. Smegma. Smegma. Yeah. Smegma. Sam, can you translate this for me, please? Smegma, sorry, I forgot the name. Smegma, incorrect me, you're the expert, but... No, I never heard the word before. Smegma is the... It's like the body, like, stink cheese, the collection for skin. Yeah, the... Ah, got it. Got it. I guess I should have gone to Red Band for the disgusting... I mean, you eat the boy. Our cheap, disgusting, core spider. I never heard the word. I'm like, what the hell is Smegma? Like, I never heard of it. Of course. And then...

32:29And then, so... I'm like, trying to figure out what the hell it is. And then, no one will tell me at the table. They all, like, won't tell me... Because you don't have friends! No, because it was, you know, it was funny to, like, chat. Yeah, you ate a 46-year-old. Guys, let me just take this. Third... Guys, I just need the floor for 20 seconds. Sure. I'm gonna tell you something. You're 46 years old. I just asked you the craziest thing about you, your entire life, your history to drop from. And you told me that a fucking poker deal or two days ago told you that you remind them of Smegma. Kind of... Or whatever the fuck. This is crazy right now. This is nuts. I've set you up with the biggest, uh, easiest... I'm trying to get to a longer story. Well, don't. Don't get to a longer story. Keep it short. Don't know. The funny thing is, he's a real poker player because everybody's looking at you with a poker face. Like, what the fuck are you... Give us one fun fact about your life. Are you good at something? Yeah, I'm like... What?

33:29Really good at a lot of things. That's not an answer. You have to name a thing. I know. If you're clearly not that good at fucking poker, you drove seven hours from fucking nowhere land. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Don't talk about Frisco like that. We have a Sam's Club. You son of a bitch. And this weekend Cleveland has a Sam's Club. Hoority. I played saxophone. I was a finance major, saxophone major, graduated from Rice at the top of my class. You graduated from Rice? Go play it. Wow. What is that? And here. I drank the water. Are you gonna let him play? Oh shit. That was close. That would have been great. You guys like spitting the thing, right? There's spits has something to do with this. I have a finance background. I worked in finance for a long time.

34:30And I... You good. Alright guys, I got it. Thank you. But I'm very creative. I do a lot of writing. Okay, alright, that's it. There you go. Here's the medium joke book. There you go. Next time, think of these things before you come out. There goes Chad Ross, everybody. I could tell he's coming back. I know a comeback story when I see one. Don El just asked, where is Heidi? And there she is. The loveliest of them all. I'm gonna solve fucking hydrated on a hot Texas day. The lovely Heidi. This is one off juice from me, Tony. Look at that. Hello there. You know, anywhere worth going this summer is better in comfortable boots. And for me, that means Tacovas. Whenever I pull on my Tacovas, there's an instant boost of confidence. They really just look sharp and feel incredibly premium,

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36:30C-side for details. Tacovas point your toes west. Listen, people. They're great boots. Sign up for their emails. Get 10% off. It's a no-brainer. Come visit Austin, Texas. You'll be part of the family. Get your cool boots. We'll see you here. Bye-bye. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket poll goes by the name 60 seconds uninterrupted. The opportunity of a lifetime for Luella Chavez. Everybody, Luella Chavez. Thank you. So I need to update the contacts in my phone because Meta keeps suggesting I add people that have fired me. I'm a serial employee. This time last year, I got fired from my house keeping job. And like any good serial employee, I hit the ground running, started applying to tons of places. And on the in and out application, it asked how many employers I've had in the last three years. I would have rather have given them my body count.

37:31So I love Netflix documentaries, don't we all? I really, really, I usually watch True Crime, but I really love the Arnold Schwarzenegger one. You know? Yeah, yeah. And I didn't realize how compatible we were. You know, he loves cigars. I love cigars. He loves working out. I love working out. Boy did I get into housekeeping at the wrong time in place. And then sometimes I'll see his adorable Guatemalan son on Instagram and I'm like, oh, me whole. Thank you, that's my time. Luella Chavez. Welcome to the show. It's your first time here, correct? How long have you been on stand up? Often on, more often on it, six years. I have to check in with Don Elroy. It's gotta raise my hand. Did you hear her accent? Yeah. I have an accent? Yeah, Arnold Schwarzenegger, she said. It wasn't Nager. It was she stuck to ER, son. I have to say it did help me like memorize how to spell his name

38:33because the end, N-E-G-G-E-R. What ethnicity are you exactly, Luella? I'm Mexican. 100% Mexican? Yeah. Wow, okay. Okay, I'm surprised you're having trouble getting a job then. Have you tried zipper-cruiter? It's the promo code Killtony. You can get a job very easily. I'll try that next time. You said that you've had a lot of employers. Correct. What are we talking about? What is the number? I don't... Why is it like... Over 30. Why is it hard? Well, what's your body count? Okay. What type of job are you looking for? Something that I am good at. Like what? I have no idea. I am currently working. What are you doing? I am a cocktail server inside the Coliseum at Caesar's Palace. Okay. So I worked during the concerts. That's in Vegas? Yeah, correct. Wow, we're going to be in Vegas.

39:33We're actually doing a two-night residency at the MGM Grand. Absolutely incredible. By the way, Donnell will be at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Look at us. Absolutely incredible. So Luella Chavez, you live in Vegas? Yes. What brought you to Austin, Texas this week? To try comedy. How long have you been doing comedy? Often on six years. Six years. And so... Okay. More often on. We can tell. Thanks. So Luella, what made you pick that minute? Six years of trying this. Is that your best material, you think? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'll take that as you go. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, I could see why you're unemployable. So Luella, are you born and raised in Vegas? No. How did you end up there? Well, I moved there in 1999. What? San Jose, California. What made you move there in 1999?

40:34Because I was couch surfing. So in San Jose, California, and I moved out with family. Why were you couch surfing in San Jose where you're born and raised? I feel like Pornow is involved with this stuff. So it's just your first time. Okay, Luella, let's talk about it. Because maybe we could find you a job here today. Maybe it's humanly possible. Are you good at granite? Can you spell the word more? Seriously, that's been an issue up here. More? Yeah, yeah. Do you have any special skills or talents at all? Is there something you're good at? There must be something. Come on. You'd like darts? Oh, no. Yo, yo. I don't like those kinds of things. I don't like cornhole and pickle ball and shit like that. Okay, what do you like? Oh, I like dancing and singing. I'm not very good at either. I have a couple of parodies on YouTube, actually. Sounds terrible.

41:34I did it. Sounds horrendous. I can't even imagine. But what are you good at? You just said singing and dancing, but I'm not good at those. That's what you said. I'm trying to find out what you might be good at. There must be something that you're good at. Oh. Do you know how to code? Definitely not. Anything? Nothing at all. This is a tough one. She's primed to get sex traffic. I can fill in her future. I think that's how it. I can get fluid out. I can fill it. Flued out. She might get fluid out. She might be traffic like a beating story. I'm telling you. She's a bad boy. Oh my God. That's actually got to Vegas from San Jose. That's trying to put this together here. So what do you do for fun in Las Vegas? That's an easy question. You don't even have to be good at anything. What do you do for fun? That's much easier. Yes, yes, yes. I love dancing and singing and smoking.

42:35Oh, God. All right. Here you go. Here's the guy. There you go. Here's, I found a smaller one. Here's a little joke. There you go. Luella Chavez, everybody. On to the next one we go. My goodness gracious. Absolutely incredible. I like singing and dancing. I got my eyebrows at Costco. I like dancing and singing and I like singing and dancing. I like dancing. I'm not good at that. I'm broaching. I'm not good at that. She could have said that. Yeah. I just said that. That would have been hilarious if I'm like, are you good at anything? She's like brushing my teeth. That would have crushed. I think that's all the English she knew. On to the next one we go. You see, the bucket can be rough. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds. Uninterrupted from Mike Hallaway, everybody. You ever notice that peanut allergies and abortions became popular? I think that peanut allergies are circumstantial evidence that God is cool with abortions.

43:38Somebody dying from a peanut allergy. It's a lot like God saying, hey, you know those abortions you like so much. Mist one. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. There's a certain segment of the LGBTQ CIA community that wants to accept petafiles, and they don't want people calling them petafiles anymore. They want to rebrand them as maps, minor attracted persons. If you ask me, it's going to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase Google Maps. Google's going to have to rebrand as Google No Chomo.

44:38All right. All right. Mike Hallaway. Welcome back. Been a while. Yes. How long has it been? About a year. Okay. You've been signing up continuously. How come you haven't been on? Because I haven't got pulled. There you go. So, yes. Got it. What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I work at NADC burger. Oh, nice. Heck yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About eight years, seven, eight years. On the outside. I started right before COVID, and then COVID hit. And so I had to take a year off, and then got it. Anything crazy happened in your life since the last time you've been on? It's been a year. Anything interesting at all. Not since the last time I've been on, but we didn't talk about it the last time. Okay. Go ahead. I did get arrested. Ooh. Was it for wearing that shirt at a middle school?

45:38Oh my god. Damn, it would be a missed call, man. Damn. We walked out that shirt, but like, yaaah. It's all penis star war. What did you get arrested for, Mike? Assault with a deadly weapon? Whoa. It's not as bad as it sounds. Tell us about it. Okay, so I was... I'd been here about two weeks, and in Austin, and I was door dashing, and staying on a friend's couch. And I had like no money. I had $3 to my name. You spent the last three on that shirt, right? Yeah. This was a gift. I believe it. From who you're worst enemy? Yeah. From the Grinch? No. From my brother. Oh. Do you have Down syndrome? I got you the greatest shirt I've ever seen.

46:40This is my favorite. I bought me one, too. I got a matching shirt. You got my favorite brother. You got my only brother, too. Okay. Go ahead. You had $3 of your name. You were telling a story. You're on a live show. Go ahead. So I was door dashing, and I got my first dash for the day I pulled up to... It was a restaurant next to a Texaco. I park in the Texaco. And... Here we go. Here comes the story, everybody. And so I walk up to the door of the restaurant, and somebody says, Hey, somebody's putting a boot on your car. This is like literally... I know what I do when I find out someone's putting a boot on my car. I go get my deadly weapon. What did you do?

47:41This was like... That's the 10 seconds drive part. So I go back, and the dude looks like he's a homeless guy, right? He's all dirty. He's dressed like you. Okay. So I'm like, hey, come on, man. I'm door dashing. I just pulled up. Let me move the car. I'll move the car. And he's like, no, $100. Wow. You don't accept it. Yeah. So, what was that? Was that Russian? Middle Eastern accent. Okay. All right. Maybe it was Choda. Okay, Sam. Not everybody can see the exact neon green details of that shit shirt you're pointing out. It was a Yoda reference, though. That is correct. Yoda but a penis. All right. Keep going with the story, Mike. I'm trying to punch up the story. I know. It's very hard. He makes it impossible. The only thing harder is Shubaka. So a wookie over here.

48:44Continue with your story. So I immediately start thinking that this is a scam. Right. Because it's also not even a real boot. It's like a team-o-cheap version of a boot. Right. And so, but I was, that's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Good job, Brad-Ban. We are looking for the deadly weapon part of the story, Mike. I'll tell you, that's the bread and butter. That's the exciting part. At least we know he's getting hurt. He's getting hurt. He's getting hurt. He's getting hurt. Yeah. I'm getting there. R2? D2? All right. Another share. We're just roasting your shirt now. Yeah. The story's a little fat. That's a little bamba fat. Go ahead. So I tried to appeal to his human decency again. I was like, come on, man. I don't have $100. I could even get you $100 is with this car. And he was still like, no, $100. So I panicked. OK, OK. Brad-Ban, very good. That's a callback to something that barely worked before. Go ahead.

49:44And I pulled a knife out of my car that I started putting in there after I got Carjack to a gunpoint. Oh, you bullshit, man. Now, $0 shit didn't happen to you. Yeah, why would anybody use a gun to Carjack you? Think of just pull you right out. Just take it. OK, go ahead. So you got the fucking knife. You got the fucking knife in there. Yeah. So I'm pointing the knife at the boot and going, take the fucking boot off. Oh, you mean the boot that the guy is next to? That's on my car. No, he's like 10 feet away at this point. So why would you have a knife at a boot? Why would you point at the boot? I was pointing at the boot saying, take the fucking boot off. Get this boot off. You're like, get this boot off, my car. That's assault with a deadly weapon. No, that check sign. You can take it off, or I'll kill the boot. Yeah. He's like a white soldier boy right now. I don't believe none of this shit. I got the reference. Thank you, Simon. My nigga. Oh, fuck. You did it wrong, motherfucker. Daph, motherfucker.

50:44You changed the up. You can't be like, all right, good job. You practiced his backstage. You're like, I want a daph of motherfucker. No, my wrist hurts. Let's do it right, white version. You don't hurt. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you're pointing the knife at the boot. You can't pass the daph. Sorry, man. It's not for everybody. Sorry. He didn't pass the daph. I didn't. I gave him the finger, sir. Don't worry. I'm going to try, even though... Staps are us. I can feel people turning off this episode in real time. I want to... I'm just curious. You have the knife to the boot, and then what happens? Can you get to the bread and butter of this sword? I quickly realized that... He's not taking the boot off, and I'm not willing to use the knife on him. So... Oh, my God. I put the knife away. You're so serious as bitchy as that fucking shirt you got on, man. The fuck do you have a knife for if you're not going to stab a motherfucker? What do you think would happen when you pulled out the knife?

51:46You thought he would be scared and take the boot off? Yeah. That's assault with a deadly weapon. Obviously. Okay, well there you go. You're the one brandishing a knife at a boot. In hindsight, Tony. Yes. He pulled a knife out and pointed at a fucking tire. Yeah. Who the fuck does that? I mean, I honestly... I thought you were a good year tire since you came out here. I started to pull mine out at one point. I got a little extra. Alright, that's a gap. That's a gap. I'm going to pass it off to Red Band here. There you go. You're going to want to wash your fist. Okay. Mike, uh... Here's a little joke, book, my friend. It happens. It happens. It happens to you tonight. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Keep signing up. Peanut Elly. What do you mean? I don't get how you can't tell a fucking story sometimes. It's crazy. It's crazy. It hurts me. It's not bad. He was a white dude trying to tell a gangster story. Right. That's different. That's like, yeah, did we pull him in his motherfuckers?

52:46And then we took him to court. We sued shit out from bitches. Mother fuck. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to those marks. Yeah, motherfuckers. Esquire bitch. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking back at that story. And he says that I'm pulling into this. It's next to a Texaco. Like, there's so much unnecessary information. You remember when he said Texaco? Of course. That's all I remember. That never came back to anything. There was no reason. He told us everything except for the actual. You should tell him, like, hey, pretend you're on the biggest podcast in the world. And you're trying to entertain millions. It's crazy. Chatteros. Up here, I'm like, I'll tell you something about it. No, there's a lot of crazy stuff, Donnie. That's an actual quote from Chatteros. Well, there's a lot of crazy stuff. People have said that they should follow me around with a camera. I'm like, well, there's cameras on you now. What do you got? Well, it's crazy. Yeah. I'm going to say it maybe any second, but I'm not. I'm not. But I could, but I'm not going to. This is my one opportunity to, like, go back to Frisco. Population by the sounds of things, 15,000 people.

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54:49Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage, and as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com slashkeltony. Application times may vary, rates may vary. Trust pilot rating as of 8-1-20-26. Look at Joe White here. I mean, I'm going to get rich so fast. This is incredible. Joe, how old are you? 184-tony. 184-years-old. Makes some money. Go to ethos today. Well, anything can happen. Who knows this next bucket pool could be a fucking superstar. Make some noise for young spence. Young spence. Young spence. She was good, people. God damn, I made it. I was good straight to her. I've been on paper since 08. I don't know if you're all right. I'm not going to be all right. I ain't having a wife, folks. Papers me, probation. Shit. Probation, yes. Probation, yeah. I mean, I have to go drop piss and shit. Like every 3-4 months, I have to hire a hacker.

55:50But it's just crazy. Because the first 3-4-years is a little bit dangerous. It was a little bit too bad. Like, the cops are getting the same dude. I was getting the same. Same, but I do. It's too kind of fun. Because it's how I started. When I first started going to a job, he was like, watch your hands. I'm like, all right. Watch your hands. I live for sure. I'm like, all right, did it. I'm so, I feel like, okay, yeah. That was the day he's like, turn this side and start peeing. I'm like, huh? All right, whatever. This is going for like 3 fucking years. That was the end between my time being probation. Three years going with the shit. So finally, he go. And I got a new dude. I'm like, so when dude's like, all right, watch out. Like, yeah, I know that shit is going on. I know shit is going on. And this is all right. I got you. You know, also, he's like, I was like, I start to do the thing. He's like, you ain't got to do all that. I said, hi. I thought the last. I thought, oh, you dirty son of a bitch. Look at my motherfucking. Okay, young spence. That is your time indeed. Oh my god. Young spence. From what I gathered, hold on a second.

56:51From what I gathered there, you were taking us through your adventures with different probation officers. Am I correct? Yeah. Okay, talking to that microphone right there. Holy shit. Yes, I was. I got to, so just truce it. I mean, that's kind of the gay shit I got for you Tony. I had to show it with like, all right, that's only gay shit I can treat. That's not how it works at all. Hold on. Young spence. But that's how I happened to. Stick with me here. Stick with me here. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up. I've been writing jokes since high school. So I say, oh, five, up by 15. I didn't start telling like on stage like this shit. So I got our prison. So for my probation. So when was that? Uh, 2017. So I say about nine years. Wow, where have you done it for nine years at? Uh, Houston. Am I in Houston right now at the moment? I should have guessed that. I don't know why I didn't guess you were from Houston. I can't believe it. No, I'm bridging not for me. I'll fully trade mission. I would have guessed that too. I mean, I would have been my next guest. I swear to God.

57:52Who's she? I mean, Detroit and Houston all checks out. Jay, yeah, oh, I checked out. No doubt about it. So let's get into it young spence. What were you on probation for? Oh shit, I would see shit robbery. You know what I'm saying? So I was like, okay, what were you robbing? Oh shit, but budget stores. But it's funny thing, buddy. Like, I love it. See, that's how you get to it. Bring Mike Holloway back in here. I'm kidding. It's a funny thing, but it wasn't bad. But like, oh, when Texas say, uh, don't mess with Texas, they really mean that shit. Don't come from like, why are there were aggravated? I'm like, okay, aggravated. But then when I have a goodness and aggravated robbery. And like, oh, uh, 30 years. I know. Why are you saying that for that shit? Don't know. Can you translate that for? Okay. What he was saying is like, I pulled the gun out. He wanted to fight me down to go to jail. I fucked up. Okay. What do you just say to him? He said, I'm on papers with me. I got a probation office. Third. Yeah. All right. Here's another one. You wipe it with my not know. All right. What's your government? Spins, or spins or is it?

58:52What the fuck is this? What just happened? I got the white blue. I got the white blue. I got the white blue. You help me. That was my way of asking what's your real name? Welcome to Breakfast Club with Tony Hinch Club, ladies and gentlemen. Joe. I thought Spike Lee was doing jokes for the first five minutes. No. This is incredible. Holy shit. The fact that he got turned up like the other jokes he was with. Kind of. But once he started talking about his criminal pants, he started getting excited. He was like, I don't know where I could tell. And then I robbed that motherfucker. Ha! Ha! All right. No. I won't go worse than that. Like I said, it's clean. I can do it. I would be worse than that. What do you mean? You have a partner hitting comedies? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Like what? I was trying to be nice front of like, I'm sorry, white folks. The white folks like it. The rough. Oh. Yeah. We do. This is kill stuff. Yeah. That's probably why I should be here. Yeah. You thought doing gay shit was going to be wildly successful here? It only works for me, my friend.

59:52I'm like, you got one of the gay jokes and shit on. Why don't you do the hard-hitting stuff? Do you give us a minute of that? Starting. You ready for it? Yeah. You got it up there? Yeah. All right. Do it. Shit, my girlfriend left for a midget. Oh, y'all fuck, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm really fine. That shit fucking learns. The really fucking midget. It would be so bad. It's like, wait. It just sucks when you're in line. I break in trying to get the 9-9 said chicken nuggets. I said chicken nuggets. So I'm saying like, oh shit, chicken is 10 cents. Oh, sign me up. You know what I mean? Line like you're chicken, nugget, chicken, nugget. Line like that. 9-9 said, that was something bad. And then y'all said, bro, I spent some leaving you. Uh-huh bitch. You leaving me. What? Yeah, I'm leaving. Oh, I don't do this shit bitch. I'm in the bitch. Fucking bitch. I don't do this shit. Not right now. I'm not right. Look at a little kid behind me. Like, goddamn, man. I should've put the fuck out. I got a grown-fuck problem's going on right now. I forgot what you. Yo, I just got to say, yeah.

1:00:52They got a different type of weed here at all. I don't know what they smoking out here. I don't see here because I was gonna ask you to translate that. Yeah. I was like, this little bitch or something. I think I couldn't afford to pay her. So I was like, whatever. I got left for a ninja. Then I got left for a ninja, bro. But what did the chicken nuggets have to do with it? They're back at birth. I was like, how's that? I was having a good time thinking I'm getting a deal. Well, I already got fucked the day. Best way to do it. But so, I'm sitting in search of for the ninja. I'm saying, like, goddamn, man. He got me fucked up. I knew I shouldn't have let this bitch drive my car. You think bitch is too strong? I knew it was a problem. I knew it was a problem. I found a phone. Okay. Three phones. Hold on. Hold on, young spence. We got to breathe everyone. You got me fucked up means there's a misunderstanding. I'm translating. Do more. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on, young spence. Let's get it. Hold on. I need to understand. So, me too. So, your girl really left you for a ninja?

1:01:55That's just a joke. Yes, I'll be a part of it. I've been left for, but I know how to like, obviously, for the crowd. I see. I need to laugh. Oh shit. But I. Right. So, you've been left before, but never for a ninja. I'm sorry. Any midgets in here? Or a little people? Youngspence. Hold on, young spence over here. How does it, I got lost at some point. I think Don L. did too. Let me, let me understand. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Please, for the love of God. Hold on a second here. How did the chicken nuggets apply to you being here? Look, girl, leaving you for a midget. I have to know before I ask you about how the, the, the, the robberies. Because I have a good day. When I have a good day, it's always some bullshit. It's gonna fuck your day up. You were having it. So you were having a bad day. Your girl left you for a midget. And then the chicken nuggets, there was a deal. No, no, no, no. I was trying to get the chicken nuggets. When I was in the middle getting chicken, that's when I got that phone call. I'm like, oh, fucking it up. Shit. Chicken nuggets, they made 99 cents this year. Oh my God. Shit. You are impossible to understand. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

1:02:55God, dude. Don't worry about this, Tony. Why people like, he's the same. Like, guy, they were the same. Hold on, youngspence. Hold on. What was part of this is why people like, I told you that he likes chicken. Look. You say salad or brisket or nothing, you have to say the fried chicken nuggets with extra crispy with limit pepper sauce or the goddamn it. Oh, damn it, bro. Yeah, damn. Detroit Houston. Yes, that's basically, yeah. Faleiman, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that way up the world. Young fence. So let me ask you, you got off a probation, what, about six, seven years ago, is that what you said? I'm still on it. Oh, how are you still on it? You haven't, you haven't, you haven't, you haven't ankle monitor on? No, I don't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are the terms of your probation? Basically, shit, man. I got some of the deferreds and shit like that, but I've been on foot, I'm reading now supposed to be, you're not supposed to leave county, but. Ah. Get super on the jet. Yeah. Get super on the jet tonight. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, the real joke, the fight I assume I get out,

1:03:56some of my girl out the gray house bus. And like, you just, I'm like, man, ain't shit, bro. I don't kill 20 fucky, you know what I'm saying? But fuck it, bro. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm man, I'm good for, ah. I'm man. Fuck it. I know I'm hit, but hit thing about time, so I'm talking about, but I've been on for, since 2017, and I had 10 years for what I did. So I'll be off in January, but I still owe the money, because I ain't paid on what they money. So how much money do you owe them? I don't $5,000. $5,000. I just looked at this shit a few days ago when I finally paid them again. I ain't paid them, I'm like, you ain't have. I'm finally paying. You have that on you, right? Damn. I said a brungie. I said a brungie receipt. You know what I'm saying? You didn't have it all. You didn't have all the money? No, I don't. So you were short like the dude that took your girlfriend. Oh my, oh my goodness. You know what? I got, I got, I got, yeah, I got to, yeah. But yeah, I'm out of here, bro. Yeah, I'm just a fence. You owe $5,000. Let me ask you this question before I get you out of here. Those are, how much were you able to successfully steal

1:04:59in your robbery career? Oh, this is the worst joke. I said, so I arrived. So I arrived, let's see. Youngspence. A dini? Youngspence. No, youngspence. Like take a like a, take like a breath and like say it like word for word. Don't I have never heard of anybody say this joke is even worse. Yeah. So, but it's real life shit though. So, do you need water or something? No, I'm good. That's how you, that's how you sound at your best? Yes, I'm not in my best, but yes, I'm doing well. I would be drunk, but I'm good. You had some drinks today? Yeah, but I actually didn't. I did nights, bro. Are you allowed to drink on probation? Uh. No, I show like smoke weed. So it's all, but like I had like to me, then my POs, so it was all good, but uh. Right now, I've been doing a lot better. PO is a probation officer, for the wife. Yeah, I thought he was talking about the post office. God damn. What's your zip code?

1:05:59Yeah. Do you still have to pee? Yeah. Yeah. When I used to have to pee when I was drunk. I don't smoke weed, so I don't do drug drugs. I call it the drug drugs. People, yeah, yeah, drug drugs. I know what that means. Okay. Yeah, burst, bro. Oh, that shit. I don't do drugs, so I'm good. Like, all my best friends, they don't drink it. Like I drink, so they all smoke, so it's like, I don't have to. Black people can smoke weed and talk about. Old to drug drugs. Yeah, burst. Wait, you know what? White people do that as well. But I'm dead serious. I don't do drug drugs, so I spent my whole life in shit crying. Shit, I need to fuck out of here with that shit, so I'm good. That's why I've been a making for. You sound like your mouth's dry. Let's get you a can of water real quick. Can we bring him a can of water real quick? Oh. There we are. Here we go. Just for a hand. Just for a hand. That's for a hand. Are you going to take me? No, I'm not. She's just giving you a water. That's a lovely hidey right there. That's just...

1:06:59He's ready to say, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. He's ready to say, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh, like a freak out of here. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I know. I got somebody, you're more at the way, but the gray house. We got you. I'm like, I know. I'm not talking to you. Not right now. No. That was so scary. I'm like, no. We got you. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. That weed was kicking in extra heavy there for a second, huh? Hidey just came out and handed you water. You got a damn burn. No. But hey, let's be respectful about that police officer. Wood smash. That is the hot police officer. Right. Fuck that. Let me hit my phone, mercenaries. I'm gonna hand for the great Austin police department. I was keeping this safe. She had a fatty. Young sense. She had a fatty tone. Okay, all right, don't know. That's enough for China. You have the right to remain. When will you people finally respect the police? Oh, Jesus. I can't read.

1:08:00If Donnell gets arrested after this, that's a perfect episode. You say I can't read? I thought this would be way too awful. I thought this would be way too awful. Fuck that. When I say walk, you're gonna say, oh, walk. Oh, walk. All right. This is crazy. No one's free to her all free. What the hell was the stop it? What? Stop it. What? Stop what you're honest with. What's the snigger jokes? I'm way what you're talking. I'm here. I'm here. I love it when people call me Mr. Tony. It's my favorite thing. Okay, so young spence, I think my final question was, was what? Oh, yeah. How did you earn more than the 5,000 that you owe? In all your robberies, did you get more than $5,000? You owe them $5,000. What do you think if you had to guess your total take and all of your robberies back in the day? Because we know you would never do that again.

1:09:02What do you think you owe? I won't. I'm gonna see. All right. So basically, the whole robbery, what I got, like I said, it was a subway, family dollar. Family dollar. People all have it in the Midwest. Family dollar. I think it's a game sense. Wait, it's a game is involved in this. Was this on Jefferson? No, I hear really out in Houston. Okay. Then we shot him up. Okay, all right. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. They're like threatened to boo with a knife. So basically, all that came out to, it was like $2,000 and some shit like that. I'm so mad. I don't have the timeout. Young spence, I have to cut you off. I'm so mad. I don't have the timeout. Young spence, I have to cut you off. This interview's going on way too long, but I have to ask you all the young spence over here. What the fuck made you rob a family dollar? Yes. It is both for family and everything is a fucking dollar. Tell me, before you go in for this great loot-taking that you were expecting,

1:10:06what the fuck were you thinking? What's that fucking place called? Dollar General. Yeah. $8. Well, you just went rob dollar general because that's stolen valor. Yeah. What were you thinking robbing a family dollar where everything is a dollar? Yes. Dollar General. Well, it was just the first pit stop. First pit stop? Yeah. What does that mean? You owe the you were on a run that day. Right. Oh, down the first one, I am. Let me ask you this, did you change the skyces after each robbery or anything? What were you wearing? Black hoodie, black hat. Nah, I was being myself. I'm stupid, so. You were what? Me, my home, me, my home. We was on some Bonnie and Clyde shit. Some Bonnie and Clyde shit? Yeah, that's great. What was you wearing? What does that mean? I asked what you were wearing. No, shit. Not no mask. So fuck. Yeah, if I say this joke for later on, before I get my office to tell them now, let's just... Unbelievable. Yeah, this, this my up, the dude, my lawyer said.

1:11:08He was like, one of our olds that I have to be able to say, hey, man, uh... I want to talk to you for me and everything about your kitchen and things. You went in the four places and this and this and that. I was like, alright, cool. If my lawyer said whatever he just said, I would shoot myself in that head, man. When you been saying, sitting sad, sitting sad, who said him? Come on, I got... I got blessed. No, he's not sad. I got blessed, though. I got blessed. So it's like, I see you next month. And we are going to talk about the same thing. That's alright. So he's like, uh, this is like you said next month's song. He was like, oh, uh, you went there ever in a mask and I said, yeah, he's like, uh... Wow. And the life... And he's like, oh, it was born day like... I was like, yeah, he's like, uh... This feels like the person, the person that calls top dog law. Yeah, and then he was like, they got the gun too. I was like, I was like, yeah, he was like, uh... You had a gun. True shit. And then he was like, well, you're looking at 30 years, buddy. Oh, man, what the fuck? And it's walked off. I'll see you next month. But you know that 30 years. So I'm like, what the fuck? No, you're not going to give me 30 years.

1:12:08Fuck that. I'll see. That's how it works. Like, months, they're sitting there waiting like 30 years. Hold on, young spence. I got to stop you. I'm like, fuck that. Because you're skipping like a CD right now. 30 years. 30 years. I said 30 years. Fuck that. 30 years. 30 years. Remember CDs used to skip. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, young spence. Young spence. I'm with you. I'm with you, Tom. Okay. So, when's the last time you spoke to your lawyer? I've been home for a minute, so I don't want to speak to him. I've been free. You've been home in Houston. You're supposed to be in Houston right now. Yeah. And you're not supposed to drink. No, I'm good. I'm fine with drinking. I said, my PO group is dead. How much longer are you on probation for? To January. Till January. I been on since 2017. I was really, why I said, oh wait, I was really a judge rating, but it's really 2017. Okay. Yeah, I've been on probation since 2017. Over 10 years. 20 years. Instead of 20 years of prison, I got 10 years probation.

1:13:10I stayed out of trouble and I really have to do my comment career. I'm in good shape. All right. I don't still, I don't trust no weapons. I don't like the people I do behind like, oh, y'all, drugs, you get away from me. So people, if I'm going to start, you can't go on a stoke. You still still. So you feel me? So I don't be around people like you still just to let you know if any law officials are watching this, we are in Houston, Texas right now in his backyard. We're shooting this in young, but I know we decorated it like it's the mothership. Yeah, we are in young, spence's backyard. I probably that's a secret group. You know, I see the secret group. Yeah, I've been a secret group all the time. Bulldogs, I used to go improv. Okay. All right. I got to, I got to keep it moving because this is the longest interview, perhaps in the show. Here's the best one. Oh, here's a big joke book. Yep, young spence. There he is. Hell yeah. Thank you. Absolutely legendary performance by young spence.

1:14:11I mean, the set, okay. The interview, absolutely epic. That is what you want in an interview. Heidi, back out of the police uniform. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, it's, it's good to be here. I just, I'm one of the short midgets of fuck that guys girlfriend. I'm glad I can't believe we made it to the same place. This is exciting. It's good to be here. What's up? You guys, you guys racist or? All right. Nice. Good. A lot of nervous laughter. But no one said no. That's exciting. That's cool. Here's what I think. I think racism is never going to end in America. Unfortunately, no matter how many times they spray paint end racism in the end zone of an NFL

1:15:13field, it's never going to end. That was their solution. They put end racism in the end zone. Like that was going to change something and nothing ever changed. They didn't even say, please. That might help. It's the wrong demographic too. They miss it. It's the wrong place. I think we had to put end racism in other places. Then we can make a difference. You know, let's put end racism on a pickleball court. That's something we'll change, right? Let's put end racism on a NASCAR track. Those are people that need to hear it, okay? And you would have to put it on the track. You couldn't put it on the cars. The cars moved too fast. Those people read too slow. Okay. Ender. Ender. I think it's yours. Absolutely hilarious. A miracle out of the bucket tonight. Great joke. Ronaldo, Mercado. Welcome back. It's been a while, Ronaldo. Yeah, good to be back. I think you're having me, man. Amazing stuff.

1:16:13Guys, a good 60 seconds. Thank God. What a relief. Amazing. Tell you. What a hero. I'm offended. You're offended? Yeah, because I love pickleball. You do. When you said that, I felt like it was an attack on me, man. But it was, like you said, like, I know this platform is an opportunity for people to do it for the first and second time. But it is kind of refreshing to see somebody that's waiting for the opportunity to do it, just polished and went straight to it. Exactly. Just on that. Amazing. And, like, that's not an easy, like, that was one minute of jokes. But it was a bunch of jokes. It was all one topic. I mean, it was just a little bit of a body. Yeah, yeah, you weren't, you know. You didn't say you have a tiger. Yeah. Thanks. You did. How long have you been doing Santa Pernaldo? Eight years. Eight years. Yeah. Amazing. How's life going for you? Oh, it's great. Back from St. Louis, did a show in the basement of Chuck Berry's restaurant. Oh, Blueberry Hill. Blueberry Hill, yeah. In the basement, just trying to go on the road, do comedy.

1:17:15Things have been going good. Still with my girlfriend, where we pay rent. That's not gonna last. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of look like me and Red Band had a child. Yeah. Interesting. I actually, I work at Red Band's club and people all the time they go, you know he looks just like you, right? They do tell me that. That's amazing. That's not a compliment. I would have gotten you a pendant. Sorry, so. That's all right. Renaldo, what does your girlfriend do? She works box office at the comedy mothership. Wow. Look at her. Not a comic. We've been together a long time, ten years together. Wow. Do you just do describe her pussy as the box office? Come on now. That's right. I got VIP tickets. Hell yeah. That's right. Very important penis. To her. There's D-Mattness, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, the whole time the last guy I was out here, D-Mattness was roasting his ass in the back.

1:18:15It's hard time. Incredible. D-S brutal. Incredible. Yeah, we've been together ten years. It's been great. We live here in Austin for two years now. I think we're gonna make it. We're high school sweethearts. People say we're not gonna make it. I think we're gonna make it. I think you guys are definitely gonna make it. Oh, you're not gonna make it. Ten years. We were... D-What were you saying about the last guy that was up here? We didn't get to hear any of it. You weren't supporting your fellow culture. You would say, nah man, put my ass up there. I'm funny to you. Is that what you were saying, D? Is that true? D? Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Has a matter of fact. Yeah. I don't know when I look at him, I just wanna go happy, baby. They're friends. They're in Steve U. Oh, shit. Or were friends. They met at the eye doctor. How do you roast somebody when you blind? You like to say, yeah, he's got dirty underwear on right now.

1:19:18Okay. Run all the great stuff. Amazing. Hey, Run all the way. If you're around Thursday, I'd love to have you on the show. Thanks, man. Here you go, Run all the Mercado ladies and gentlemen. Hey, let's talk to the small business owners out there listening right now. You know, running a business is tough. But you know what's actually painful? Trying to get a loan from a traditional dinosaur bank. They treat you like you're asking for a personal favor. Drown you in endless paperwork and make you wait weeks just to say no. It's absolutely ridiculous. I know how the banks have worked forever. It's terrible. Joe White, come on up here and tell them what it used to be like. Red Band. Haswear Cardiff comes in to save the day. They are America's favorite small business lender because they actually understand entrepreneurs. No red tape, no corporate headache, just simple fast access to the capital you need to grow, upgrade equipment, or hire more help. That's right. If you've been in business for at least one year and make at least $20,000 a month in revenue,

1:20:19you can apply right now for up to 500,000 in same day business funding at cardiff.co slash kill Tony. That's cardiff.co slash kill Tony. The application just takes just three minutes and has zero impact on your personal credit score to apply. So stop begging big banks for your own growth approval in minutes funding same day. Go check them out today real growth fast funding cardiff borrow better. Let me tell you how bad banks used to be. Joe Joe, what year did you ask for your first loan? 1892. See what I'm talking about people and Joe knows. That's why he signed up a cardiff without a doubt. That's cardiff.co slash kill Tony today. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular on this show that has the unbelievable beauty of having to write and perform a new minute every single week. This is a brand new minute from him. You know him. Formerly the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from DeGrick Flynn, everybody. Shout out Lauren Clancy.

1:21:22Postpartum is real. And I understand it not just because a bunch of my homegirls had babies, but men go through that too. I call it post hard on depression. Some people call it post-nut clarity, but I call it post hard on depression because at the end all of my kids die on somebody's face or back. I don't fuck with AI. I was in the Denver airport and I was coming to get on my flight and then I walked over and they had like a little aisle where you could buy the snacks and shit. And normally they have somebody there like to ring it up, but you just put them on this like little table and automatically like gather how much you got and they give you a price. And I clicked to pay and then it had a screen that popped up and it said suggested tip.

1:22:24I'm not tipping AI. That was the blackest I felt in a long time. And the first option was 25%. You didn't do anything at all. But I still felt America so I wanted to give them a chance. Maybe the person who stocked it was near. I said, hey, if you're the nigga that stocked this shit, you got two seconds to come over here. Nobody came so I stole it. I said fuck different. But I don't fuck with AI. I was like, Texas just passed a wee band. And at first I was with it because I thought they was just trying to go against like Delta A and like THCA right because I don't believe in AI. We, you know what I'm saying? I don't believe in that shit. That shit is wrong. But then I found it was also THC in there. And the reason why I don't fuck with Delta A because the nigga gonna try to sell it to you like it's supposed to be weed. He's like, yo, it's just one molecule off from being weed.

1:23:27And I want to let you know that one molecule is full of nanobytes. Right. It's full of nanobytes because you ever met somebody who ate a wee edible. That nigga still smart and giggling and having a good time. But anybody with a Delta A edible is the stupidest nigga that you've ever met. Right because the nanobytes get to your brain and them niggas up there deleting shit. You know what I'm saying? They deleting shit and shredding files. Right. You ever been a hi. You have your Delta A and you look at your phone and they give you an ad for the thing you was thinking about. It's because of the Wi-Fi hidden. Right. You know what I'm saying? If a nigga is hi, he probably just eaten. But if he eats Delta A, that nigga is drooling and you walk up to him. You like, how is your day gone? He's like, uh, uh, uh, uh. There was a fire earlier. That's my time, my love, y'all. Thank y'all. Degic Flynn. I don't know the difference between the Delta A and the other adibles.

1:24:29I don't know if I don't ever do adibles, so I don't recognize any difference. Well, they make regularly a wee too, Tony. But you too rich to understand. I was poor people probably. They don't want to affect the rich and they want to affect the poor because there's more of us. Oh my goodness. The poor of us, your chain is worth like $6,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your chain could get, uh, young spence off of probation. Stop. This chain was on Amazon. I make it look good because I'm cute, nigga. Calm down. Calm down. All right. Either way, as I be selling tickets like you, Sam, talent, shut the fuck up. Your last name is talent, bitch. I'm done with you. Somehow. I'm a fan. Fizzball, nigga. No, I am a fan of yours. I saw, I think, I don't know when the first time I saw you, but it's so hard to hear people that got original voices that different and then like me knowing your backstory. Like when you went to jail, I had a free desert shirt. You dick.

1:25:30But it's so refreshing to see you come here, see your growth and what you're doing. And I'm really calming on people's pages too much, but I was like this authentic, original, and just refreshing. And then as I follow your career, even when you're in a green room, I got excited for a second. I had to calm down because I'm on papers, right? I was like this. Oh, that's kind of, uh, you're not paused, whatever, but I'm a fan. Then why you ain't tag my plug, consaig when he come up here? You know, that's how I got arrested, consaig. And consaig got them got me arrested. He said, yo, bring me some molly to sell when you get to Japan. So now I ain't understand, shit, you just, yeah. I don't know who's going to translate that. You just want to story, I want to love you, these idiots. We already did this before. We can't just keep bonding. These white people don't understand what we talking about. When I'm going to say, hey, nigga, I love you. I watch you on these, what's your government? Government got them what? What? You fed it? You didn't know it. You didn't do the thing you did before. I told you. How did you do that?

1:26:30No, no, no, no. Show me how to do that. How'd you do that? Hold on, first of all. First of all, I don't give a fuck if they don't understand. What did you mean? What's my government? Tony says I'm doing a federal fucking thing. Well, I'm from, nigga. What's my government? What name? Tony. Yeah, that's what it is. He bailed out. He just tried to get... Dedric Hale Nahl dark storm. Yeah, that's it. I don't want these niggas knowing nothing about me. I don't give a fuck. I love it. I love it. Now I get it. It's the government name, but you ask, what's your government? And they give you your name. I think it's better coming from me. I think so too. I learn that in the heart. You said it. So I used to say you have a right to remain silent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your government? Get on the fucking ground. What's your government? I plead the fifth. No, no, no. I know my rights. This is... I don't answer government questions from a ball. Niggah, he ain't got none to lose. Dedric always, always, always, slightly mean to the panel for no reason whatsoever. I mean, everybody's so nice.

1:27:30What is one of us were you talking about? Both y'all ball niggas. The niggas are still yet holding on to Niggah to gave up. What's up, white dad? I love you, bro. You're here. Look good sometimes. I love you, white dad. I just love it. I love the new set, Dedric. You have the support from Donnell, the culture, the culture. And I love that he supported you when you were in jail. And I hope that you return the favor and support him when he goes to jail very soon. Perhaps arrested after the show first. What's your government, Ashley Larry? Martin Lawrence. Dedric, we love you. What? The great Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one, we go. Back to the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Uninterrupted going to Zach Myers, everybody. Zach Myers.

1:28:33What's going on? A good thing pedophiles could say to get into the LGBTQ is something like, hey, we got pride too. Just ask a little Timmy. We pride his butt cheeks open last week. It's true. I recently thought of this candy nobody's made before. Oh my god. It's a candy that would start off lemony and tart. And then it would turn sweet and then it would turn tart again. And you'd call it the retard. Another thing I think is funny is when fat chicks get their hair done.

1:29:36Keep going. Thank you. They'll be like, hey, does this look good? And it's like, well, no, there's still 300 pounds under it. Thank you. Zach Myers has arrived to the Kill Ploney Universe. Wow. Where did you come from? Wichita. How long you been on sand up? About three years. Wow. All of it in Wichita? Most of it in San Antonio. Is that where you live now? I live here now. San Antonio to Wichita to Austin. What are you following the money? I wish you luck. How long have you been in Austin? Three weeks. Wow. And you moved here obviously for the ridiculously booming comedy scene.

1:30:40I mean, it is booming. Do you do anything else for a living? Aerospace Engineer. Wow. You're a current aerospace engineer? Well, actually one of my coworkers sent my set in to my boss. So, oh my goodness. I'm going to get back in the game. I think you're going to be okay. I'm going to get back in the game now. I just got one question for you. What's your government? Zach Remires? Yeah, exactly. White people just repeat their actual name. Yeah. Yeah. When I say walk, you all say off, walk. It's going to happen. Wow. Zach, tell us more about your life. Your shoes are so hilarious. Thank you, man. My girlfriend is in Michigan. I am looking for a job. And I am looking for a new girlfriend.

1:31:40Yeah, looking for a job and a second girlfriend. Yeah. Why is she in Michigan? That is where I lived before I moved to San Antonio. And you left her in Michigan? Yeah, and she is hot. So, I don't know what I'm doing. Right. She's going to be with that black basketball team. That is fucked up, man. Yeah, young spent. That is the biggest fear, sir. Don't say fuck. Government, man. Bad news. Young spent is on his way back to Michigan right now. The good news is he's just going to rob a dollar general. So, what is your girlfriend do in Michigan? Is she a family there? Family in a job. What's the job? Like manager for marketing. You don't really listen or watch. You don't care at all. No more than anyone else. Only fairs. That is fucked up, Daniel. Daniel. He put the white in the shirt.

1:32:41He knows your government name. He's putting the R in your name and at the end of the work. He's no good. That is fucked up, Sam. He speaks Schwarzenegger. Zach, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. What else? Man, it's mostly this and the gym. I wish there was more fun. Is the gym your boyfriend's name? That is fucked up against him. Zach, that's... D-Man has loved it. Yeah, he does. Zach. So what's your living situation now? You don't have an aerospace engineering job. You've handled on yourself. Moved Austin, Texas, three weeks ago. Do you get your own little apartment? What's the deal? You couch surf and what's going on? I'm rooming with my buddy, Slit in a place. You're just blitting a place with your buddy. Did he move down here with you? No, he was already here. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator right now waiting for you at home?

1:33:44Six full size cucumbers. Whoa! I'm glad I asked. Pulse. Yes. Once I come over, there will only be five. And I am allergic to eating cucumber. They're going in his butt. Okay, thank you. Now I've pieced it. Yeah. Zach, I have a big follow up question here. Why do you have six cucumbers? I like eating them whole. Oh my God. You just eat them skin and all? Well, yeah, but not how you eat them. All you don't eat them all in one bite? Oh. Well, look at yourself in the mirror. Backwards? It's a series of mirrors. Count down for the walkoff. Amazing. How many cucumbers do you go through a day? Just one. Stack them for the week. You dip in them or just raw them?

1:34:45Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, bro. You are Michigan. Yeah. How about you, right? I'm the big cucumbers already, the Persian cucumbers. I have not seen a Persian cucumber. They call them Israeli cucumbers now. They are the big cucumbers. Holy shit. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What, I noticed this crazy. What ethnicity are you? I'm a rap. Yeah, yeah. I swear when you came out here, I was hope you didn't count backwards. There is a... In 1978. Three to the one. Donnell, you forgot five and four. You fucked up, Donnell. I can't read. I'm not as a fucking nut. Sorry, sir.

1:35:45We bonded back safe. I know. Remember this? I know. Remember that? Yes. Let's get back to it. No, no. Okay. Are you, are you Caldeon? No, Serian. Oh. Not for long. No, Serian. Are you parents still in Seria or what's going on there? No, my mom's mom immigrated here. Dearborn Michigan. You are right. Wow. Look at that. Wallahabeebebe. My wife's from there. Yeah, you know about it. Yeah, I know about it, man. Alievin. Customer service is a bit touchy during Ramadan, but... Otherwise, it's lovely. Yeah, we get crappied. They're so cranky. Yeah. Give them a fig. Have a fig. They do like figs. Yeah, you got the fig pick. Yeah, okay. Y'all singing a different language now. I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Oh, it's air. How do you think we felt when you and young Spence were talking?

1:36:47You got the... New? Please. Oh, Zach, give us another fun fact about your life. I don't eat pushy. Whoa. Tell us more. Yeah, you said you're Serian. I didn't say that. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know if you know the Killtoni fan base, but there's two things that they love that is eating pushy and HB. Am I right, Payton? That's right. I'll hold away. You're looking at a white sacked of Ayn for that and everything. What? I mean, I know this is a crazy question, especially for a black guy. It's like a fascist that you can't eat pushy like they're going up or it's not hello. Yeah. It is not hello. It wasn't blessed. They didn't believe it clean.

1:37:47That is fucked up, Sam. Hey. So tell us... What is your reason? Yeah, tell us more. You just got to earn it. I mean, as soon as I get married... Oh, look at all this. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on a second here. Hold on. Give me one second. Thank you. So you put your penis inside of your girlfriend, correct? Yeah, that's what I do. But you're saving it, eating out for marriage. Well, if she earns that, right? Yeah. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. I just shared it. Not cheating on you and Michigan. That is true. This is very simple. Absolutely incredible. Does she perform oral sex on you sometimes? Does she... Yes, that is the thing she does. Wow. Oh, the ladies in the room are going... This is the worst. Poker hand ever. My goodness. So, when's the last time you ate a pussy, Zach Myers? I was probably about 15.

1:38:48Okay, so take us through that process of realizing that eating pussy is not for you. Weird. What did you notice? You eat a pussy until I was like 28 years old. Well, that's fucked up. Wait, yeah. Damn, so you don't eat pork or pussy your life is fucked up? No, I'll eat pork. Wow, you'll eat pork but not pussy. Yeah, what the fuck is going on right now? Okay, what was the pussy that you ate when you were 15 a little off or something like that? It was fine. I was just doing it. I was like, you know, this is kind of gay. It's the opposite of gay. Take it from me. It is the opposite of gay. Okay, yeah, I'll take it from you. Have you tried dipping a cucumber in it or something? It is? It is a pickle. I've never heard anybody say eating pussy was gay. But I heard dick is gay. You're confused in the shit. I don't do either. So, I've been trying to eating out a dick yet.

1:39:48Like, you might have liked it. I've read some boards right there. My friend. So, can you tell us what it was about the process of eating pussy in which it made you feel gay? Can you just describe what, just take us through your own feelings here? Yeah, I was down there. I was doing the deed. I was like, you know, I am getting everything out of this already. What do you mean you're getting everything out of this target? Wrong deed. That is not the asshole. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What do you mean? What do you mean? We got to know. We got to know. What do I know by what? You're down there. You're 15. You're going down on a girl. Yeah. What was it about it that made it feel gay to you? Well, it was just like, I had just watched the sopranos. You've seen the sopranos. I fucking love the sopranos. When I was 15, I was watching the sopranos and eating pussy. Doing both. Sometimes at the same time. Okay, yeah.

1:40:48Kind of gay. Again, definitely not gay. That's crazy that you think it's gay. I do a lot of gay shit. I like candles right before bed. Yeah. I don't. I know. That's what they tell me. That's what they tell me. His microphone. Because it makes me feel good. They smell good. It feels good. You wake up. You're like, I'm still alive. They didn't burn the play stuff. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yep. So again, I still haven't gotten an answer. What about it made you feel gay? I was just thinking, you know, I could be doing anything else. You know, I could be getting out of here. And what are you doing? Hold on. Hold on. Guys, hold on. I was saying, wow. Your first encounter with pussy is not the most pleasant thing, Tony. You go ahead. You got to describe what you mean, darling. Okay. You're saying the younger the better. No, I remember when I was. When I was.

1:41:48When I was jumping, this girl was like this. You want to see my pussy? You want to touch my pussy? Yeah, right. And I thought she was talking about a cat. This is a real story. You thought she was talking about a what? A cat. A pussy. Oh my god. And she put my hand on her face. And I was like this. Ah! I ran, but I had to fight back. Right. That is gay. That is kind of gay. To be fair, her pussy teeth. Believe it or not, I've never touched a pussy. And she never touched a pussy and screamed. I was like, right. It was a pleasant, but I had to do it for my culture. Right. So this girlfriend, how long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? Three years. Three years, and you've never once gone down there and given it a little smooch. Hasn't earned it. What do you mean earned it? This is... You're finding a hidey with double thumbs down over there. Okay. I'm like that. You got to earn. You want me to eat your pussy? Because you got to earn it. Thank you. What are your taxes? What are your taxes?

1:42:48Level one, level two. Ha! Final, final question, Zach. You got it, man. Take us through the process of earning your pussy eating. What exactly does a woman have to do? Well, just be there. Well, that's not what. Listen a bit. Listen a bit. The Syrian is coming through everybody. I don't know if you've ever met it. It's a Syrian guy before. Don't be a shatterfuck up. He's just listening. Yeah. How much? This is absolute. Well, so let's say she does earn it. Yeah. How will you bless her when that day comes? He will let her do it again. Yeah, that's it. All right. Right? What? Let her do what again. No, you don't know. That's how you earn the trust? Hold on. What? I don't know what. This is my second drink. Hold on. How Sam's that? Ask that question again, Donald. Are you going to lay down in a rose bed?

1:43:50How are you going to make it worth or while for waiting out your tongue? Well, you're going to fucking shave before you go down there? Yeah. Probably not. How do you think you will know how to do it effectively if you've only done it once? You got to quit practicing on cue converse. Yeah. Well, that's step one. I'm going to quit practicing on cue converse. Let me ask you this. You watch porn every once in a great while, right? Yeah, once in a great while. And you skip past all pussy eating things, right? Immediately. Exactly. Do you skip past blow jobs? No, I check out what's going on. And you'll watch insertion. You'll watch insertion, right? That is not gay. Hold on. Over here. Okay. You'll watch blow jobs and you'll watch actual sex, right? No. Now I don't watch blow jobs. You don't watch blow jobs. No, I do. You just changed it right then. You realize that there was a dick involved in both of the things that you bought.

1:44:51I thought that through. I have not thought that. You were about to go, I only watched things with a dick in it. Not gay. That's what you were about to do. Kind of, yeah. Zach, I'm going to tell you this. I can't believe it. If I find out, you eat pussy. I'll have you back on immediately. As soon as you eat pussy, you let the producers here know and you're doing another minute on Kiltoni. It is a, it is a, it is as close as it gets. Your set was unbelievable. I'm giving you a big joke book and I'm also sending you up to the little boy right now to get seen by Adam Ega and your set was so fun. Thank you guys. Thank you. So send him up to Adam Ega. You're a fantastic comedian. Do not let Adam find out that you don't eat pussy for the love of God. Thanks guys. You're close to having a career. Don't ever tell anybody you don't eat pussy again. I was going to have him on the secret show and everything but now I'm like fuck that.

1:45:53You got to eat pussy. You got to eat pussy. That's crazy. You have to eat pussy. Unless you're gay. If you're gay, that's cool. We have gay, right? We've had gay golden sick of winners before. Tony, he was so comfortable. You got to earn that. I respected that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Why do you just eat pussy off the rip? How you doing? My name is, ah! Oh, he's stranger's pussy and massage parlor. You know, like I don't give a fuck. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! There goes red, man, everybody. A lot of people walk off after a big laugh. He goes, I'll eat a stranger's pussy and I'm a massage parlor. There is my time! All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lucas Duaynez, everybody. 60 seconds left, and I'm gonna wrap it for Lucas Duaynez.

1:46:54Appreciate that. I'm really excited to be here, but I got to admit I'm really nervous. A lot of people have suggested that I drink, but if you couldn't tell, I have a problem with my pronunciation, and when I drink, I tend to slur. Blacks, Asians, Jews. So I'm really into the 69-ing. Yeah, there's nothing better than a bitch dropping her fat dumper on your face while you're in the caron. But, you know, like everyone, I get, you know, it gets hot, you know, so what I like to, what I started doing, I guess, is I started blowing air into their asses.

1:47:54So when it comes back out, you know, I get a nice breeze. I think that's my time, right? Appreciate it. Lucas Duaynez. All right, Lucas. Good work. Thank you. I appreciate that. My favorite part of this set was when you said you love 69-ing, nothing better than a dumper on your face, and then you said for some reason, reading the caron. Why? Why would you be reading that? The tongue movements, I don't know what the fuck they do. You know what I mean? They. Like the, whatever, you know, whatever they have. Muslims and shit. Turns out Middle Eastern guy is hate eating. I know, yeah. I know this set. I'd already planned that prior to this fucking... Ha ha ha ha. Oh. Amazing. Lucas, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in January. Wow, Junior. You were very congratulations. Goody solid. All of it here in Austin, Texas. No, I live south of San Antonio. That's where I've been performing in San Antonio. South of San Antonio. So Mexico.

1:48:54That's awesome. Yeah. Lucas, what do you do for work? What type of landscaping do you do for work? Home depot. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. What do you do, Lucas? Right now, I am unemployed. I do door dash and like, um, favor. Okay. You have any, uh, assault and batteries? Are there anything on door dash? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. How old are you? I just turned 34. 34. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. No, I do not. How long you been single for? About two years? No. Okay. Two years. Um, do you go on dates? Uh, every now and then. Yeah. Last date you went on. How did that go for you? I mean, I did a breeding the caron. Really? How did that happen? Take us through the process of this happening. What was this on 9-11? Oh, let's see. It was a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be a little bit more honest. I was going to be a little bit more honest. I was going to be a little bit more honest. I was going to be a little bit more honest. It was a couple of weeks ago. We actually came down to like the river walk. Oh, I don't know why I thought I was in San Antonio.

1:49:54Jesus. Um, women to the river walk and, um, just went back to my place. Yeah. You didn't really read the caron. I did. How did you end up reading the caron? Well, I meant like, like she sat on my face and I read the caron. Got it. Got it. God is just making sure. Yeah. So, uh, so that was the first time date? Yeah. Yeah. San Antonio girls are easy first date. 69. Yeah. She was also Latino, correct? No, no. Who's a white girl? Yes, sir. Wow. Look at you, absolutely nailing it. 69ing with a white girl in San Antonio. Trust that a white bitch to read the caron is dangerous. Uh, she's been radicalized. So, where'd you take this girl? Teach these people. There's so many people that struggle with dating and with finding true love. Tell them your secret to going on a first date and having a white girl set on your face afterwards. Uh, what did you do that night? Like I said, we just went to the rear walk.

1:50:54You know, I was, we'd already kind of been talking like, um, several weeks prior. And so I guess I'm like a dating app or something. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And what did you tell her about yourself? That I do comedy. I guess. I don't know. You didn't tell her door dash or anything like that. Uh, well, at the time I had a job. I had a job like when we met and then like a couple weeks later, I, you know, I walked up. What was the job? I was at a water burger. You worked at a water burger. Yes, I did. Fuck yeah, you know what? I'm about to sit on your face, dude. I fucking love water burger. Why women will rescue anything? They rescued you. That's awesome. That's fucking funny. How did you, you walked off at water burger? I did. Was it during a shift? It was. Oh, tell us about this. Please, for the love of God. I love that. It's, it's really not interesting. I wish it was interesting. It is interesting. You just don't think it's interesting. But trust me, it's very interesting to us. I don't know. The manager got mad because I said that like one of the, like, he has a, I guess there's a rule now where like not supposed to call out like numbers like for like the order.

1:51:55And I'm like, why do we give him the number then, you know? Uh-huh. But they don't want us to call like the names or the numbers. How, how did they communicate when the order is done? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. They go to the, I'm going to my cheap fast food course, Spon and Brian or Ed Bann here. Waterburger gives you a big number thing. They just go out and give it to you by like looking at the number. They don't want to yell it out. So, it's a, and so I got in trouble for yelling it out. That makes sense. You didn't want to walk it out to them. You wanted them to come up to you. Well, it's the counter at least. I mean, well, I mean, right. Because like, there's times you know you take it out to them and then they're like, oh, I want, you know, catch up or whatever. And it's like, now I got to walk all the way back. You didn't want to do the job that entails your job at a waterburger. Sam talent. Essentially. Oh, no, no, I was just, oh, okay. I think he was right though. The story's not interesting. I'm sorry. I love it. There's a little bit of waterburger culture there. It's very interesting. In and out calls the numbers. Correct, Ed Bann? It's annoying as fuck, too.

1:52:55That's the one I need to go to. I was like, yeah, I'm baking a calculated night. It's like, motherfucker, I'm looking at you. You got to hit the computer. Like, why can't you communicate with them on fuck? I want to be like this. But extra mayonnaise is a catch up on my shit. And then you make us go and hit the fucking thing. Why do you do that? No one knows what you're talking about, Donald. Let's check in with the Red Band or Senior Fast Food Correspondent. Which fast food place has the best delivery system, Red Band? I mean, what you're talking about is more of a McDonald's things, where you have a computer or a radio. Thank you. Yeah. Waterburger, guys. Or an old MacRib over here. You want to know what I was saying, Red Band? I think Chick-fil-A has an excellent system. They make me feel welcome. My plan. You're out on a Sunday. Lucas, what's the most interesting thing about your life? What's a fun fact? Do you have any special skills or talents, any near-death experiences, anything crazy? Shit, talent. No. I hydroplane one time in my car.

1:53:58You are indeed 100% Mexican congratulations. What do you do for fun, Lucas? Aside from this, I hate to use the joke, but read the Quran. Wait, why are you reading the Quran? I mean, is this just your way of saying having white girls sit on your face? Yes. Okay, 100%. It's an interesting way of saying it. Back to the well, it's not dry yet. Thank you. Okay, Lucas. Very good set, especially for starting in January. Here's a big joke, book my friend. Thank you. There you go. I really appreciate it. We're going to keep it moving along. Now, my interviews are running too long. We have to fly through some more bucket holes. Now, I think the stories are terrible. That's all. It's not on you, man. It happens. It happens. Sometimes it doesn't happen, Tony. A white woman reading the Quran and sitting on faces. That's not a real story. He was using the word Quran as an indicator that white men... You don't have to do your hand like arrogant white men when you sit it. He was explaining something that's non-governmental, Donnell.

1:55:01Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Man, we do not make women come. It's a scientific fact that 90% of women do not come from penetration. Trust me, I do my research. I read cosmopolitan. I'm going to tell you what you do, though. If you hear what a woman tonight goes to her side of the bed, she keeps it junk over there for a reason. She don't want to mess with her stuff. Reach up under the bed. It's going to be a box up under there. Pull that box out. When you open up that box, you're going to light up like the Holy Grail. You'll be like, what the fuck is this? Inside that box, it's going to be a rose that didn't come from the garden. A wall and no wizard. But it's that don't go in guns. That's what's making her come. I've been my wife 15 years married to a teen. Playing the time we've had sex, I fell asleep in the real good about myself. Like, yeah, I did that. I woke up, I heard.

1:56:01I just hold a hand for more support. Like, do your thing, girl. Do your thing. Thank you. Wow, Alvin Perry. Amazing. Easy breezy. You make it look so easy. We've had some rough fucking pulls today. Thank you. You have a great time and great delivery system. Great fucking everything. Anunciation, fucking. I mean, absolutely fucking everything. No, I'm serious. I get it. I've been hanging out with Donnell and young Benson all night. That's my uncle right there. We look just alike. I mean, I didn't want to say it. To me you do. What I realized was on his whole show. Nobody's even pussy. I am. Okay, that looks it. You say eat pussy? Oh, yeah. Everybody's eating pussy. I'm definitely a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. The whole band eats pussy. Look at Carlos Soso over there. I mean, Jesus Christ. You eat a pussy.

1:57:01You eat a pussy. Everybody eats a pussy. Everybody. Everybody. Dude, can you imagine having your pussy eaten by a saxophone player? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. What's my guy's name right here? Demandist. Hellopusses. Imagine you eat some pussy and you're actually looking at him for it. Oh, my God. No way, Jose. No way. He would never in a million years. Demandist loves eating pussy. Am I right, D? Yes. Absolutely. You could tell because he looks the other direction when he said yes. Okay. Red band. Alvin, I love your style, man. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about 14 years, but I've been a comedian for about four years. I love it. So explain to me how you've been doing stand-up for 14, but a comedian for four years. Confusingly. Yeah. Because someone ate a Delta A, that double before he said. Because prior to four years ago, I was just getting up saying anything. I didn't really have no structure to what I was doing.

1:58:02Wow, I love that. Look at that. That's the first time anybody's ever answered super honestly on this show. That is incredible. Thank you. Very smart. I grew up in church. Hey, he was on papers. He was on paper. So Alvin Perry, what do you do for work? Two years ago, I quit my job at a pursuit comedy full of time, which was foolish. So I started a handyman business. I'll hold junk and I have fixed stuff. Okay. Professional robber. Okay. Is that your work gear? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I came from work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I saw that shirt, I was like, that's construction company. I thought young spends got away from the car. Yeah. Yeah. Not in that shirt. You can't. Well, it's like a jumpsuit for jail. So Alvin. This is your own business that you started two years ago.

1:59:02Well, I mean, it's not, you know, I ain't paying no taxes. So, yes. Shut the fuck up. That's supposed to note that. Alvin, are you based out of Austin? No, San Antonio. Okay, San Antonio. Big night for San Antonio. Ain't anybody for San Antonio here? Yeah. Three black people. It's only an hour away. Is that where you're born and raised San Antonio? Yes, sir. I love it. I love it, Alvin. What job did you quit two years ago to start this own business? I was working at a church. What were you doing at the church? I was a maintenance man. I was a maintenance lover. And a center, too. You do what? A center. You were a center. I said, I said jack off in the bathroom. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Hmm. You like his look at God. What is going on? Yes, he will. My God is a good God. A jacket open a bathroom.

2:00:03A jacket open a keel tone here. I'm never going to eat pussy. Won't he do it? Yes, he will. Amazing. Al, he said it was the bathroom. Yeah. And God was watching. He said something. He shouldn't have seen it. Why me? What else could he see? You put a finger up your butter or something? You get into your girl's box, bring a little sun to the church with you. No, I just watched porn and just jack off. That's all. What kind of porn do you like to watch, Al? What do you put in that search bar when you're looking for something good? Ha. That's my way of avoiding the question. I'm going to ask it again. Red band here is implying that you might like bigger women. Or B. She-El. No, I'm like all type of porn. But I just, I'm mostly only watch like black men having sex with anybody.

2:01:06Okay. Anybody is what? This way you can put yourself in the position of the black man. When you say anybody. Any woman. Yeah, right. I know any woman. But like you must have some type of preference. But no, I particularly like lesbian porn also. That's like my main thing. Okay. I mean, can you imagine what fucking Zach Myers would do with lesbian porn? Let's just think about that for a second. Just two women eating each other's pussies. I mean, that is, that must be health for that. Yeah. Can you imagine? That's the first question. This is so gay. This is the gayest thing I've ever seen. Now, lesbian porn is dope though. No, no, we agree with you, my dear friend. You should have seen this other guy though. He would have hated it. Yeah. He would have to watch it like the end of clockwork orange with a trucker. Yeah. And then they have like a seismograph hooked up to his dick to see if it gets hard at all. He was the only other comedian that did good out of the really good out of the bucket tonight. Oh, I appreciate it.

2:02:06And his inner, appreciate it. No, you and the other guy, I'm saying, he had a great interview and then we found out he absolutely refuses to eat pussies. What are your thoughts about this? That is crazy. That's what I was saying. You know, you want to know what he said, Alvin? You want to know what he said? What is that? He said that eating pussies, get ready for this. Yeah, he's gay. Homosexual. Yeah. He must know that that's like reverse likeology. That's right. I'm the eating pussie and ass for a long time. I love that. Alvin and ass. That's the next level. Pussie and ass. Tell us more about your pussie and ass eating. Even if you taste some pussies and it tastes like a non-vote battery, you still keep going. No, no, no. Tony, can you do that? I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. Tony, can I say something? He's not the pussie. Let me say something. He's a pussie. When did you start doing this shit with a pussie? He's like, well, you eat and pussie and ass. Wow. You have Italian for a minute.

2:03:07The first time I ate some ass, like I had been hearing about it, and I was like, fuck it, let me try it. Yeah. So I called my girlfriend and she was like, I got out the shower. And I was like, perfect. Because you don't want to eat her ass. The first time it was ass, correct. Yeah. So once I tasted that ass, it was cool. I was like, yeah. I like this. It's like blue cheese. I like this. This is the shittiest story I heard this old show. This is incredible. It doesn't taste like a battery because your teeth taste that way. No. You know what I'm saying? And D-Madness, you can lick a hemorrhoid like a glit. It's the same thing. I don't know why you keep taking shots at D-Madness over here. You're doing so well. D-Show, when you love. I love it. Alvin Perry. You eat pussy, you eat ass. I mean, all the boxes are checked here. You're absolutely amazing. This is a new level of black man. I've never heard a black man go public. Is it a E-Pussy and S? It's incredible. First you guys had a president of the United States. And now you're eating pussy and ass.

2:04:08Who knows what's next? It looks like things are looking up for the black man. Healing. That's right. I'm not talking on the secret show third. Whoa! Look at that. Absolutely. Alvin, you're an instant legend on this show. We hope you keep signing up. Come back for more, all right? I appreciate it. That goes the great. Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds on interrupted. Going to Joel Cash, everybody. Joel Cash. If you like penis collages, that's it. That's just that's the song my sister sings. So my name's Joel Cash. I'm from Indiana. It's better to be from it than in it. I grew up with a dad who says stuff that I can't tell if it's really idioms or if it's just shit my dad says. Like if he's hungry, he'll say I'm so hungry I could fall through my mouth. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry.

2:05:08I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I'm going to say I'm hungry. I could fall through my butt hole and eat myself. And if you tell him you're hungry, he'll say find a corner and bite the wall. People used to come to my mom for advice because their lives were falling apart. I say used to because my mom is not alive anymore. That well you know, I don't know if you know that's how this works. You don't stay alive forever. But I'm getting all about that. But no, but she used to get a lot of people coming to her when their lives are falling apart. And you know, you can't call my mom to talk about my mom dying. But I can talk to my dad about his 102-year-old mother who still lives with him. So Cash, using all of his time, I heard a actual empty can drop during your set. That's how you know things aren't going so good. I like when you're having a tough set.

2:06:09And then you do the classic showbiz bailout of reminding everyone they're going to die. That's classic vibe. I didn't expect an awe about that. It happens. It happens. Welcome to Kill Tony. This is your first time on Correct. How long have you been on standup? Four weeks. Four weeks. What made you want to howl to you? 44. What made you want to start four weeks going to a place where I can do that? OK. We're going to take it easy. Austin, Texas. Yeah, we just moved here. Who's we? My family. My wife and three kids. Oh, nice. Congratulations. What do you do for work? I'm a dog trainer. Wow, a dog trainer. Really? Are you good at it? I'm better at it than I am with this. Well, you can still really suck at it. Hey. I really could. No, no. As a dog trainer, have you ever said, don't worry. I'm going to put this bitch in its place. No, you're not supposed to say bitches anymore about dogs, I guess. God, the woke left. I know. Really something else. Joel, you're able to make a full-time living training dogs.

2:07:10Yeah. And where were you before, Austin, Texas? We were in Indiana. What part of Indiana? The part you don't want to be in. So, Gary? Indiana. No. That's part nobody wants to be in. Yeah. No, I'm from West Lafayette. Do you have any pussy in West Lafayette? They do. How long have you been with your wife? Long, long time. 26 years. 26 years. Holy fucking shit. Wow. 44. Is that the only woman you've ever been with? OK. All right. Ah. Oh shit. Dog training is wild out there. Yeah. But here's my point that I'm getting out. This is a pussy eating heavy episode. We had a... I heard that, yeah. They told they warned you? I think, well, I mean, I live in Austin. I've been going to the mics. And that's all a lot of these dudes talk about is how they're scared of eating pussy, which is just a... That's a thing that's happening. You hear a lot of these dudes say that. It's kind of funny because it's a... That's just a way of telling everybody that you're gay. Yeah. Absolutely. You know what? Joel, you...

2:08:11Maybe I need to earn it. Well, oh, earn it. You can't just go out eating pussy. Earn it. Yeah. So, 20 years... 26 years, you're with the same woman. Obviously you're a pussy eater. Give us some more advice on how to keep things fresh in the bedroom for 26 years with the same human being. How do you do it? You listen. Whoa. Fucking listen. You ask questions. Wait, what did you say? Fucking listen. And you ask questions. And that's the gayest shit I've ever heard in my life. That's a tool woman dare. Wow. Old Donald No Comerollins over here. I got yelled at recently for calling a woman a woman. What happened there, exactly? I went to an open mic where I, you know, wasn't just like 12 dudes named Bracen. And I was like, you know, what? Thank you for doing this. I'm really excited about it. It's nice to get my material up in front of a room full of women. And she just goes, don't call us women. I didn't know that was a thing you couldn't say.

2:09:13What the fuck? I called my sister and I asked her about it. And she said, I don't know about that. But I mean, female is one that bothers me because it makes you feel like you're less than male. But you like that because you're a dog guy. Yeah. I just don't think it makes sense that female is less than because if anything, you're adding iron, which is a coagulant. Coagulants sound like some sticky calm. I just got well coagulant. Coagulant, wasn't that one of the emperors of romance, some shit? I knew Donnell was going to have some coagulant. Wasn't that the emperor that lit the city on fire, some shit? That's the guy. I got coagulant. Collegula. Collegula. Collegula, collegula lady. That's right. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know what it's like to get my period, but I mean, I know my period. I did. I know my periodic table. That's all I'm saying. Jolling on right now. Speaking of periods, you're getting a little red joke book, my friend. If you, this is something you want to do, keep practicing.

2:10:14Sign up again sometime. I will. The bucket works in mysterious ways. There's your first Kiltoni appearance by Joel Cash, four weeks into his career. Now I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I had this one, Sataside for me, this name. Sataside for me, the entire episode, because I'm so excited to bring up this comedian. Make some noise for the long awaited return of Juanita. Yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo, yo. You fucking set me up, say. Yo, you set me up, say. You set me up, say. Ladies and gentlemen, wait for the interview. 60 seconds uninterrupted. One more time for Juanita, everybody.

2:11:19I am a transgender woman. I am brave. Buying $13 dresses at Ross is brave. How many of you in here have a vagina makes noise? Lucky. Dude, I want one so bad. I want to piss you so bad. There's women getting a surgery called Vagioplasty. They're trimming their lips off. I'm over here like, you're going to finish that? I'm trying to get a little ticobox. Donnell, box is a euphemism for vagina.

2:12:25Juanita ladies and gentlemen, for those to be the might not know. You go from eat pussy to Juanita. You're Donnell, I don't want a cock block. You want my share? You're not good. You are an asshole. I was this. No, you was doing something. You was like this. That's the fucking body. Eat pussy. Let's get to the dig. Those of you that don't know, the last time Juanita and Donnell were on stage. Juanita talked about how nobody wants to fuck me, basically, kind of set up. What was it? We were called on. No, it was. It was something kind of like that, right? Juanita said. I thought I was talking about how I dropped out of high school and I joined a touring Catholic ministry. Right.

2:13:26And then the joke was, what was it? You say it. Oh, I said, you don't have to sing it. Don't sing it because YouTube sets it up. We will praise you and then he said, we will fuck you from block. Right. Yes, it is. Yes, that was the fuck I said. No, hold on, Donnell. Shut the fuck up. Donnell, Donnell. We're on the receipts. I got it. The set up was basically no one wants to fuck me, blah, blah, blah. And then she did the song and then you said on behalf of black men, we will, we will fuck you. Because I said, and then I go, Donnell, she has a penis. And Donnell was in shock because Donnell realized that four million people were about to see him say that he will fuck Juanita who he thought was a woman because she didn't mention anything about being trans. And all, Donnell got tricked like a motherfucker. I was using my peripheral vision.

2:14:28I said, I live in the Midwest and I know some bitches from dollar general that look like Juanita. That's what I said. And then I was like this. And then I was like, I didn't talk to you. You was so happy, son. And I was like, because I was like, because I'm gonna tell you, I did say that. Oh, the whole real was. And then I was like, we will. And I was like, this I have white veins coming out of the skin. He was ready. I was like, we will fuck you. Yeah. Tony sit back like this. Oh, hard. You get a load of that. Didn't next thing you know, Juanita was in my DM for three motherfucking weeks. Talking about we can go on a road together. I was like, I can't. I can't. So I was like, you're moving too fast Juanita. And he was like this, don't they all. I'm gonna open for you one day. He had a dress on with his dick, I was like, no, Juanita, no. Oh my God.

2:15:29For your fans that want to try to be like, yeah, you were talking to Juanita. What I did, I respect where you came from, where you going or whatever. And it was fucking the shit you said was funny. I didn't take it personal. Oh, what? I did block you for the first two weeks. I did block you for the first two weeks. Meiji, turn your right. Yeah, that all of a sudden you're curiosity got the best thing. No, shut the fuck up. I'm a pussy eater. I'm from exam, Edison, era, a pussy eater. Well, you be careful. She does it. She's one go fund me away from having you eat her pussy. You're gonna be practicing the Korean. What fucking happened to our bond? I'm not sure. Just like why do you switch to me that quick? Oh, remember these days? My goodness. Let's do it. Remember those days? Juanita, let me start off by saying this.

2:16:31We've had you on this show obviously out of the bucket numerous times. Tonight was a special occasion. I don't even think. Rian, I ain't here. Hold on. Don't do that. I messes up the YouTube. We have a book. I don't want to have to pay the fucking Supremes for this episode or whoever's saying that fucking song. The jokes were very good too. I was just going to say Juanita, I mean, it's incredible. It's almost a night and day difference. You've always been very interesting during the interviews obviously. But tonight's set was fucking rock solid. It shows that you've been practicing. Thank you. It was fucking hilarious. That's my favorite transmitted. I think we've ever had. Look at me like this. Do you want me to say something special? She's really funny, Donnell. And you do have a lot of road dates coming up including a hilarious DMGM grand. I mean Vegas. Vegas. I will say this. They tried this, not this, but they've tried to use things against me like, yeah, we heard what you were, you were one eating it.

2:17:34That's my impression of your fans. Yeah. No, that's the fucking breakfast clone. That's those people hate not. I know your fans be like this. They're mean to me. You know, they're hilarious. They are, they're mean to me. No. They're mean to everybody. They call me Dave Sopel's butt plug for three years. That's a nice pony. Dave Sopel's butt plug. Like, I just pop out of Dave's ass like, I mean to be an, they are mean to me. You fucking know it. We said the same thing about Matt Muleing today. It's a new nickname every episode. We called him the human butt plug. Oh, we don't eat shit. They are mean to me. I need to clearly you've been practicing a lot. You've been doing a lot of work. Tell Donnell which city you want to go to. I'll put you on the show. I want to go to LA. Nah, I need it. Ha ha. We going to Ohio, nigga. We going to San Francisco, nigga.

2:18:36We going to Ohio, nigga. Not today, devil. Not today, devil. Oh, dad, nigga. We ain't doing that, nigga. Not today. My God is a good God. I can't take what needed to LA. I can take it to San Francisco. I can take it to the West Village. I can't take it to the West Village. I can't take it to the West Village. I can't take it to the West Village. Oh, nigga, we need to see wheel. Not today, devil. Not today. Even a blind man can see that's not a good idea. That's like, you should do that. Don't do that. I see what needed to help more in the upper week. You offered.

2:19:41She moved. Oh, my God. She said Los Angeles. Oh, my God. You couldn't say to any other city on here. Oh, my God. You know what, Donnell? I have bad news, Donnell. You are no longer the worst guest in the show's history. That was absolutely incredible. That no n-word on LA. Can I sit? I understand why that's hilarious, right? It's a city of beautiful people and the industry of show business. You can't really be walking around with the lovely one. Can I have a moment? Yes, absolutely. I want to have a moment that I tried to rob Schneider, ruined it the last time we were

2:20:43here. I was trying to tell you how much I love you. Listen, and I'm telling you, I shouldn't. I should not give a fuck about these people. But I do. For four years, every time I've done this show, I... OK, I'm going to get emotional for five years. Five years from the pandemic with nobody wanting to do this fucking show. Nobody wanted to do it back then. I stood up for you. You. That is true. You. That is true. And I showed up for you and nobody wanted to show up. It was only William Montgomery. That is true. And the... Why you paid me back? You told all these assholes and assholes and assholes that... Listen, up motherfuckers. I was the walk-off king.

2:21:45Walk-off. You told people I crashed out. Crashed out legendary. You went on Joe... You went on Joe Rogas' podcast and you fucking doubled down. And all these white people believed you. White people believe you, Tony. They disconnected with me fucking, Tony. And I said, I just want to be here. I said, and for four fucking years. For a fucking year. I've been trying so much to get this fucking killed, Tony, audience to like me. I killed Tony, audience. Appreciate me. And when I did. When I did, I tried to appease these crackers. A piece, the crackers. And I do know what appease me. And I could use it in a sentence. A piece, they said, fuck you. They went on a fucking Instagram post. A core moment with my fucking son.

2:22:50I never told you this, Tony, but... Oh. Oh. I was teaching my son how to ride a bike. And I thought I was safe from a criticism from your fucking audience. The audience had you built for 15, five years. And they went on the page with my son at a core moment. And they said, well, I'm glad his son found me learn how to ride a bike. Because when his dad walks out of his life. Oh. Oh. Oh. And the last memory your fucking audience has with me is me said, we will, we will fuck you. They know it. Thank you.

2:23:51That wasn't for you. Shut the fuck up, nigga. I'm still the real nigga what need us shut up. Oh my god, you're fucking literally killing me tonight. Oh my god, this chemistry that you and what need to have is... There's no chemistry. There's no fucking chemistry. You guys are really all right. No shit, that's really incredible. What the fuck is going on? Oh my god, no, it's not now put it down. If you want a gun, Juanita's got one between her legs. Got a little nine millimeter there waiting for it.

2:24:55Smash and grab it. We're in Texas. The lovely Juanita, congratulations. Here's a big joke. Check out Juanita has a podcast called The Whiskey Hole, right? You have a podcast. You have a podcast, a live show. What are you gonna be, that's enough. That's not all she has. Heidi, you did this to me. That's what was put there for now. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm surprised that's not loaded. Well, doubt it has been so far. If I would have came on killed Tony. It would have been crazy. Like the Bruce Lee ship. Many people dream of such a situation. Juanita, congratulations. Thank you so much. The lovely Juanita, everybody. Thank you.

2:25:57Believe it or not, we have one last comedian that just comes in and absolutely crushes. We are his biggest fans. You are his biggest fans. I mean, he's a freak of nature. He is, you know, he has to write in for fun. I don't trust you anymore, bro. Yeah, who's next? Juana, man. And you was all night. You was like, la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Our next guest coming up. You are evil friends. Our final comedian of the night is truly one of the best in the world right now. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. We get to all just sit our mics down and enjoy the anomaly. The real deal. This is Pat O'Neil, ladies and gentlemen. This is Pat O'Neil. This is Pat O'Neil.

2:27:00Folks! Hey! Folks, I'm an old school kind of guy, you know? So the first time a gal told me to slide in her DMs, I was like, I'd prefer your cunt. Ooh, what's the M stand for? I'm an American sweet art. Only things I slide into are home played and posted. You know what I'm saying? You were like, you were like... And it up taking her out on a date.

2:28:02She told me she was looking to settle down. I was like, good, you haven't stopped talking. Fucking... Take a Zanax bitch from sick of this shit. And you know, some people are starting to have a guy chatbot girlfriend now. And in 2024, a young man in Florida was convinced to kill himself by one. Just like a real woman. The technology is getting there. Slowly but surely. Okay, thank you! Holy shit. Wow. Pat, I'm an enormous fan. I love that you tell funny jokes. Thanks, Pat. Good man. It is absolutely incredible, Pat. That is, I can say with, basically, I don't think any hesitation,

2:29:02I do believe that is the loudest pop. And the longest, loudest pop. What the hell? From the crowd, I've ever heard. To watch it grow, every single week is absolutely incredible. What's happening with the industry and how things are, the fact that we have a weekly show and you come out and slaughter to watch your growth is incredible, to watch you be able to follow those expectations and have us all cracking up when I thought I was unable to laugh after Donnell told Juanita, your girlfriend's looking good. You know what? No homo, I'm still thinking about Juanita right now. But I will say the last time I was here, I don't really, I watched the show, but I don't see that like every week. And like the way these people received you, even the last time I was here, you cracked a joke on me and it was fucking funny. And now I'm seeing you like,

2:30:02you got bitches now, so. Thank you, sir. Do you have bitches? Do you have bitches? You were bitches is confusing this shit. I'm standing like, you're like, how do he ever do that? But I see your growth. You doing well for yourself. I mean, I can't say anything. There's nothing that I could say after the Juanita shit. I believe it. But I will say you're funny by the fucking. Thank you, Donnell. Straight out top dog law too. I fucking, I got the references. Thank you, buddy. Patrick, going on the road? Are you doing road dates? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to start next week in Tulsa. Have you done it? Got most of them sold. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Tulsa, oh my god. One person is going to jail with you tonight. Yeah, fuck you, Tulsa. Pat, you are the absolute fucking man. You have a pot. Yeah, you in Tulsa. Thank you, buddy. Yeah, yeah. His podcast. I was going to look this way. The podcast is Ray G. Tards.

2:31:02He's on tour. He's on the killers of the coming late this year. And throughout next year coming up for sure. I know that for a fact. Pat O'Neill is taking over everything. So, say something, Tony? Yes, absolutely. Pat, you take this so seriously. You're not blowing the opportunity. I just really admire that you're using this platform to be funny and tell jokes. Thank you, sir. You're so nice. The other episode, you're on, fucking. It's very hard. It's very hard. Don, Don, I was on when I got the Golden Ticket. And Sam was on when I got regular. Wow. Fucking cool, yeah. That's crazy. Wow. That's unbelievable. I had no idea what a wild coincidence. And Pat, I mean, it is unbelievable to see what's happening here. And with the expectations, like I said, it's hard to stay number one. It's hard, whether it's UFC boxing, stand up. Obviously, as we saw this weekend, football, the number one team, the Ohio State Buck guys lost to the Texas Longhorns.

2:32:04It's hard to stay number one. And in my mind, and I think in the, anybody with fucking common sense watching a weekly show, the fact that you're not chilling and like, you know, kind of phoning it in or anything, you're riding the wave, being competitive with yourself. I think you see you're only competing with yourself, which is what everybody's doing in art. No, he's, he's competing with Juanita tonight. But you are the absolute man. I can't say it enough. The great Pat O'Neill ladies and gentlemen. I vote, I vote so much. I vote. I vote. I vote. I vote. Ever since Juanita asked to go to LA and you told her no, my nose has been leaking. Like, I have a slow nose leak from, I, I think I blew a blood vessel in my brain from laughing. And I saw Troy over my shoulder. You have pictures of that, don't you? I went that way for some reason. When shickets crazy, I go that way. How about a hand for Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen? DonnellRawlings.com.

2:33:04GM Grant, thanks for giving me a weekend. Cleveland, hilarities, October 16th and 17th. The Donnell Rawlings show available everywhere. You are unbelievable. I've always loved you. I fucking love you more than ever. You are just a freak of nature. I appreciate our friendship and I appreciate what you do for comedy, giving people the platform to fucking shine. Hell yeah. I appreciate it. One more time for The Great and Powerful. One of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Sam Tallin, everybody. That is Tallin with 2Ls. His website is samtallin.com. Brew is an unbelievable novel. I'm positive of this. He is a fucking brilliant mind. He is a genius. If you ever enjoyed a book in your life, pre-order brew right now. It's available on sale everywhere, September 22nd. But pre-order now. Show your love. He's made you laugh. Tens and tens of times as a guest on this show. He's also at hilarities on. Wait, do I have your dates, Mike? I've been hilarious this week.

2:34:04Oh, this week. You heard it here. I made him laugh. Tens of tens of times. No, you've been on the show. Tens and tens of times. That's what I was saying. One more time for The Great Sam Tallin. That's Tallin with 2Ls. He is the man. We have a Dallas. Oh shit. Next Saturday. That is Saturday, September 26th. In Dallas, we are in Houston, October 17th. We are in Vegas. At the MGM Grand November 13th and 14th. Those are huge shows. And of course, New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. Doing an arena in our hometown for the fourth year in a row. Red Band. And check out the Sunset Strip right next door. SunsetStripATX.com. Secret Show every Thursday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all sitting around laughing. Whoa, so Rogan. Oh my goodness. Our dear cult leader. Our dear cult leader, Joe Rogan.

2:35:05We bend the knee. We sacrifice babies for Joe. We love you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you. We stand. Let's go.

2:36:57We stand. We stand.