How to Break Your Relationship Patterns with Sabrina Zohar

0:00Chemistry will get you great sex. You'll have a nice night, you'll have a good time, but that doesn't mean that you're actually going to be able to get through the hard times. We think that love is enough, and I learned the hard way that love will never be enough, because you need a lot more, you need bandwidth and capacity, you need comprehension, you need compatibility, people that you date, or a direct reflection of how much you love yourself. Sabrina Zohar is a relationship coach who helps people understand the patterns they keep repeating in relationships. Why we chase, overthink, people please, stay too long, or keep choosing the wrong people, and what it actually takes to change them. We actually do have neuroplasticity. You can change the way you think, you can change your default thought processes, but it takes repetition and it takes consistency. So what are the healthiest ways to get into a relationship? Taking stock of what it is that you actually need in a relationship first of all, and so if you're not comfortable off the bat, being able to take up space, grieving the end of things, choosing yourself, you're probably not going to be able to be in a healthy and secure relationship. And so I think the best place to start is to... Why can we know something isn't good for us yet still want it so badly?

1:03Oh, the million dollar question. This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. Whether you're training for a marathon or building a business, your time and energy are already being pulled in a million direction. The last thing you want is payroll, benefits, and HR admin adding worry to the miles ahead. Just works helps take that weight off, combining intuitive software with real human support to help keep your business moving forward. So you can spend less time sweating the back office and more time chasing what's next. Run your business without running on worry because you don't have to worry when it just works. Has it justworks.com to learn more? Are you tired of the confusing bait and switch pricing on GLP ones? Then visit happyGLP.com where it's always $99 a month. At happyGLP, whether you're brand new or renewing, it's $99 every time. No teaser price, no switch up. Getting started is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a license provider. Check it out, happyGLP.com. Compounded medications are not FDA approved. Eligibility required and determined by a

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3:08I mean, this is the stuff you're already buying. Snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long. Head over to your local CVS or open the CVS app. Look for extra big deals and start saving today. Sabrina, I want to start an episode off with a little scenario that I think almost everybody who's dated has had this experience. So say someone you're dating is giving you very little. They're inconsistent. They take forever to text you back. You're getting all the signs that this is probably not going anywhere. And you can clearly see that, right? Yet you're still checking your phone. You're waiting for their name to pop up. Why can we know something isn't good for us yet still want it so badly? Oh, the million dollar question. 99.9% of the time, we usually obsess over things that don't people and things that don't make us feel safe. And so we have to remember how our brain or nervous system, like all the different variables are working. So think about like a Labubu. Those little dolls terrify me. But think about that, right? When you had, when Labubu came out at one time,

4:09it was really difficult to get. And so what happens when you have something that you perceive as valuable, right? Like not the high value man and woman stuff. I'm not talking about that. Actual value. But there's inconsistency at creates novelty. Then when you have novelty, you want it even more. And so Labubu is the great example because then when they mass produce them, nobody wanted them. Because when it's easy, our brain perceives it as, oh, it's not valuable. So I would say for a good portion of people, when you're a secure person, and I'm not saying shady in that way, like when you're actually really secure in who you are, you're okay to lose people. Like you understand that grief is the process, right? That like not everyone's going to like you. That that that that that that that. When somebody is showing you those signs and you love yourself more than they need to be loved by somebody else, you're quickly going to be like, no thanks, I'm out. But when there's an insecurity, a core belief, something from childhood, right? Maybe that you learned love has to be earned. It's not given to you freely. Then somebody that's playing those kinds of games is going to create a dopamine reward loop because every single time you're wondering, could this be it? Will this be the time? Are they going to pick me? And so of course, we can intellectually know it's not good for us, but yet our body and our brain still craves it.

5:11All right, I know sugar is not good for me. And here I am with a cupcake tattoo, going to every bakery on every, I swear, I wish I was lying to you on every street corner because just us knowing doesn't mean that we're actually implementing or integrating because our nervous system's like, no, no, that doesn't feel safe. The person that's giving me bread crumbs feels safe because that could be like my mom or dad. I love the analogy. And it's also like sugar can sometimes be good for us because it's good to indulge in a little bit of sugar from time to time because we have to treat ourselves. But we can't be treating ourselves to people that are treating us poorly. I spent my entire 20s sleeping my way through Manhattan trying to get someone to choose me. I swear, I wish I was lying to you. I lived in these village, Laurie's side, Brooklyn. I, if you said jump, I said on who? Because I saw it as if you like me then that means I'm valuable. That means I have a worth. Until I realized I was just waiting for someone else to give me that instead of seeing it intrinsically in myself. And so I think once you start to do the work, which has a lot of terminate, right? We hear that term do the work all over. When you actually start to choose yourself, which means saying no.

6:11And then going against maybe the grains, for a lot of women I know specifically, we are taught to be a good girl, right? Don't ruffle feathers, don't make an issue, just play nice. So telling somebody no can feel really, really overwhelming. But when you actually do that and you choose yourself, one, you're not gonna waste your time in all these losers. And two, you'll actually start to see your life change because then you get somebody that actually deserves who you are, not who you're trying to pretend to be. I'm curious when you were dating, because now you're married, right? Did you, how were you in the dating world? Like what was your? I feel like I was exactly as you just described, you know? Like it's, I've lived in New York for over 10 years now I went to college here. So like sex and the city that show is people love it for a reason. It's so brutally realistic about what dating is like in the city, you know, you date around, you meet new people. I think when you're younger, you kind of hold on to the idea that every single person could be the one. Right, I remember like having the mind instead of going out in my 20s, right? With my girlfriends and being like, I want to meet a guy and like that, I'm gonna date for years and then get married to you, right? And then you realize pretty quickly as you get older,

7:12like going out with your girlfriend should be going out with your girlfriends. It shouldn't be about meeting somebody, right? So there's so many things that you learn in your 20s, but I don't know, I feel like dating is also just such a coming of age thing, right? Like we have to go through these experiences to figure out who we are and what we want, especially if you actually learn from it, right? If you actually implement it, because that's the thing, a lot of us like, why I even wrote this book. I wrote this entire thing, I wrote why am I like this? Because I would ask myself that all the time, like what is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Now I wish all it took was us to know it. Because then you go, right, you go to therapy, you start to do this work, you date the, the, the schmose, you date the people that aren't treating you right, whether it be man or woman, right? It's not just men, it's also women that can do this. Once you start to go through these experiences, you either learn from it and say, okay, moving forward, I'm gonna implement differently, you can get really jaded from it, right? We all have the friends. I have my girlfriend who was with last night, fuck men, I'm done, dating is a waste of my time. I don't wanna do it. And I understand, right, my heart goes out to that because I have said that before.

8:12But when we kinda just concede and say, oh, well, I guess that's just what everybody is, they actually, what scientifically that is, of a part of our brain called the Sanleon network. So if I told you right now, go outside and look for five things that are yellow, or like look for a yellow car in New York, that'd be easy. You would probably start to notice and be like, well, there's a lot more cabs out than I thought there was because when we tell our brain to look for something very specific, that's all it's gonna do, is it's gonna constantly look for that. So if we have in our head dating sucks, I'm never gonna meet anybody, all people do this, well, then what do we think we're gonna keep saying? So your relationship expert, right? When did you get into this business? And like, when did you become a relationship dating expert? Like, what is your background in like, give us the, give us the spiel. The spiel, the TLDRs, the kids say. I mean, what is TLDR being? Does like the long TL, whatever it is, the long, too long didn't read. That's it, too long didn't read. Okay, give us the TLDR. The TLDR is, I moved, I'm from Florida, I moved to New York when I was 19, fresh, like just had gotten out of high school,

9:13I had turned 19 a month prior, came to New York thinking, I was just gonna visit my sister, got a job at a little lemon, never left. Oh my God, we both worked at little lemon. You did a little too? Yes, which one? Okay, so I worked at the Garden State Plaza in New Jersey, and then when I was in college, I picked up shifts at the Brookfield, what's the Plaza Down Town? Down Town Town, what is that called? Brookfield Place? I think so. That's so funny. So I did Union Square, and the one it was actually in Union Square, where Vams is now. I didn't was, but it taught me so much. As for forgiveness, never permission, right? Really to take ownership of like, as much as it might have some cult like aspects to it, too. Back in 2009, I learned a lot about myself, I got into meditation and yoga and all these different practices. Now I wish I could be like, that was it, right? I just became this whole year that I didn't. I was still a hot mess. But I really was just, I was trying to find myself. So I moved to New York to be an actor, realized I'm not very good at being another person, and got into fashion when to FIT, started working in wholesale. My mom got sick, she went to the doctor of the headache, they found six brain aneurysms, and I started my clothing company software.

10:13And so I started that in 2017, thinking like, okay, this is it, I'm gonna be the next, James Perst, big company. And that's when I met my ex. And when I met my ex was when I started like working out, I chised quit smoking, I was on medication, I was a mess. I was just a shell of myself, met him, started working out, doing all the fitness things, and then realized I was dating my father. But like didn't know that until after, after that it was a total nightmare, and that was my rock bottom, that's when I started therapy. After the relationship ended, he moved out, I was just like, I got to do something with my life, I can't keep doing this, really focused on my business. Again, wish that was the Kumbaya story. I struggled for another few years. 2021 comes around, I'm like, I'm done with New York, it's been 12 years, it's time for me to move, we were manufacturing everything in LA anyways, it was stupid to bring it to New York, moved to California, and hated it. I was really miserable, the business started to struggle, and so I was supposed to do Shark Tank. And so 2022, I am on set. Like this is my moment, there are the sharks, right? I'm like, what were you selling also clothing wise?

11:14Like what kind of... Affleasure. Oh okay, okay, I love that the Lou Eman to start a year in brand. But she goes, my mom when she was in the hospital, she kept saying like, is there nothing comfortable to wear? She was like, I'm not 10, I don't want stars and stripes. I just want a black joker. So I created the best basics you could ever find, sustainable, all of the things. And I really thought like that was my life. But as I was doing the company, you do podcasts and panels, you know, you're talking about your business, I kept relating it to dating. And so I started to understand that, and being in therapy and understanding myself, and doing journeys, and all of the self-help stuff that I could possibly do, I started to understand myself better and other people better. And so fast forward to Shark Tank, this is it to me. I am not thinking anything else in my life. And I'm on set, and my area's ready. They're like, you're up next, are you ready? I'm like, this is it, let's go. And they put me in the room, and after about 30 minutes, you know, you're like, something's up. I'm supposed to be the last person. They come and say, I'm so sorry, we can't fit you on today. I'll try again next time. And I completely crumbled. Like I went home and I didn't want to live.

12:16Like I was just done. I couldn't handle it. And this guy that I'd one day with called me to see I went, because he was an entrepreneur. And he legitimately talked me off the ledge. And it was just, it was one of those moments where like all the stars align, where I was like, huh, I didn't need to be any more than this. Some people come into your life because they're just meant to be there for that reason, but it doesn't mean that they have to be in there forever. And a couple months later, they did it again to me. They told me they had a spot, couldn't fit me. And my girlfriend was over and she said, you should create content on TikTok. She was like, you have a lot to say about dating. You're constantly talking about it. I did like life. I had like 15,000 followers on a screen. I was nothing to call home about. And my first thought was who's going to listen to me. And I remember I made a video and I was just talking about my dating life and things I'd learned at therapy and all of this and I got like 30,000 plays. And she was like, man, if you continue with this rate, you'll have like 900 followers at the end of the month and I had like 10,000. And that just, I then got certified, started my podcast. I just really wanted to immerse myself into understanding other people and myself.

13:17Because if I can understand myself and I had met my partner at the time. And so when I met my partner, he was super healthy. I wasn't used to that. I wasn't used to someone who just liked me and wasn't playing games. And so then I really started to understand like all of the clickbait of like if he wanted to, he would. And they if not are not texting you every day, they don't like you. And I think it just created this understanding for me of like, where did we learn this from? How old do I feel? And then what am I doing in these moments that don't feel like they're authentic to who I want to become? And so then I started to help people to be able to break that pattern. What are the patterns that you most commonly have seen when it comes to people in relationships? Like what are things that people do? There's two sides of the spectrum, right? If you think of the more avoidant leaning people, it's the not ruffling feathers. I'd take that back, I'd say my anxious focus well. Not wanting to say anything to, I don't want to annoy them. I don't want to upset them. Like playing small self abandoning. Not, I think for a lot of people, they get into dating thinking, I just need a partner without realizing that they need the right partner, right? They need somebody that has bandwidth and capacity

14:19and hold space, right? Like you have a husband and you have a child. You understand now, if they don't text you for a day, that doesn't mean anything compared to where is your partner when you need them, right? When your daughter's got forbid sick, who's by your side when you're taking her? Who's there when you need a nap and you're like, I haven't slept in three days, who's gonna go, you know what, go relax, I'll take care of you. Who's really gonna have your back? And I think a lot of people, we think that love is enough. And I learned the hard way that love will never be enough. It doesn't matter if it's a verb, if it's an action, if it's a feeling, because you need a lot more, you need bandwidth and capacity, you need comprehension, you need compatibility. And I think a lot of people think that's shared movies and music. But most people, I think in relationship, self abandon, trying so hard to keep the relationship together, instead of really acknowledging, either you accept your partner for who they are and you live with that, or you don't and you move on. But I think there's a lot of fear of, I don't know what's out there, and I'm scared of being alone forever. Yeah, and I feel like in our young 20s, and tell me if I'm wrong, but I think a lot of people spend too much time worrying about is chemistry enough

15:20without actually understanding what it means to have a connection with somebody. Like a true, this is marriage, material connection. Chemistry will get you great sex, right? You'll have a nice night, you'll have a good time, but that doesn't mean that you're actually going to be able to get through the hard times. Because I want us to see, do we have, like when I say conflict, I don't mean like big blowouts, but disagreements, do we have things where I get to say, and I feel safe enough to go, I don't like the way you said that to me, that really hurt my feelings and moving forward, could you please not say that out in public? And to have my partner go, I'm so sorry, that was never my intention, could you share with me how you felt, right? To just have a normal dialogue, and I think for so long, I have a present company included, I was so focused on are they choosing me, I didn't think about, did I choose them? Does that work for me? Because oftentimes when we have to make a choice for ourselves, right, like I grew up in a childhood for that wasn't an option, personally. And not everybody has big tea trauma, right? Like that's the thing. I think when we start to do this work when you date, and people say, well, I don't wanna date my mom or dad, and then you end up dating people that make you feel like they are,

16:20or you're in relationships with people that make you feel like you're with your parents again. It's not conscious, but then we have to look and say, is the devil you know safer for you than the hell you, or the heaven that you don't? Anything most a lot of people, we go after this subconscious, because it takes a lot of capacity for us to stop, challenge things, show up differently, because that means we have to grieve things, and maybe have things end, that feels really scary. How much of the patterns that show up in our relationships are stemmed from our childhood? A good portion of them, because we have to remember from zero to 18 months, you're nonverbal, right? Even your daughter, she's picking up on every cue. Every time you look at her, she knows mom's there. Every time a voice is raised in the house, she understands, oh, there's conflict, right? Like that's not a bad thing, but it's even facial expressions, right? Like because children are nonverbal, they're picking up on every cue, how your husband touches you, how he welcomes you, things like that, teach her, oh, this is what love is, this feels safe, this doesn't. It's okay to have a disagreement, it's not okay, what's gonna happen in the house. Then we go into society, disney lied to us,

17:22we go into school, friendships, right? It starts to kind of morph and mushroom from there, but a good portion of the things, like the sad part is, there's a part of a brain called the amygdala, and that's like your fear center, and then you've your prefrontal cortex, that's why, when you're 23, and you're a hot mess dating in New York, you're not functioning, right? You're not a fully formed adult. You know as well as I do, right? You think back and then you're like, I didn't even think about this. So when we go into our fear center, and we kind of transfer back to being like, feeling like we're a kid again, we're going to do whatever kept us safe then, because that's what all we know, that's what our nervous system knows and how it's kept us safe all this time. It's not about blaming your parents or your caregivers or whatever, wherever you learn this, but that's why I asked two main questions, how old do I feel when the situation happened? Right, so an example could be, I give this example a time, my partner once said no to me, it was not anything major, I said can we go to home goods? Oh, oh, I don't know what woman doesn't, but I said can we go to home goods? And he just was like, nah, and he walked off. I started going, I got so dysregulated. I started getting this wave of heat. I wanted to jump across the table and strangle him

18:25and I was like, this doesn't make any sense. Now, if I were in my old unaware days, I would have started screaming and yelling, you know, going into the things that I always did, but instead I stopped and I said, how old do I feel? I was like, I feel like a seven year old. Okay, why do I feel like I'm seven? I'm like, I feel like I'm talking to my dad. There it is. Right, then I already knew this is nothing to do with my partner. So then, okay, well, where did I learn this from? Where did I learn this behavior? Well, when I was a kid, my dad would go and walk off. So I felt really dismissed. Okay, so when my partner came back in the room, I said, hey, can I share something with you? I was like, you know, I don't want you to think that my triggers are your problem, but when you said that, it really reminded me of my dad moving forward, it would be so helpful. Could you tell me why you don't want to so I don't create a story? And he was like, oh my God, that makes so much sense of course. We've never had the issue again. But if I didn't get curious, you can imagine how that situation would have gone. And so we want to understand where you learn this behavior from and it's not to blame them because maybe they did do the best they could with the information they knew was so that you could support yourself and validate the experience so that you can actually grow from it. It's like taking yourself through the thought process

19:28of what a therapist would do in therapy for you, right? Like take me back to where this is stemming from and let's talk about why and the good therapist, yeah. A good therapist, yeah. Exactly. And I think the other side of the coin is we're so used to thinking, right? If we think our way out of it, right? That's why overthinking we think like, oh, it's helping us. Really all that's doing is it's avoiding feeling because when we stay so intellectual, so even think about children, they're very much in their body, right? They feel a lot, they're going through this experience but they're not understanding what's going on. Children are bottom up. So they feel this intensely and if they don't have the support to be able to process the emotions, then they start to create these narratives, these stories, these core beliefs, maybe I'm too much, maybe my parents hate me, right? It doesn't have to be, make sense. As adults, we're top down. So we think, think, think, think, think, because we want to avoid feeling as much as we can. So my, anytime I'm going through it, the what saved my life was putting 60 seconds between my stimulus and my reaction so that I could respond because then you can start to understand, where do I feel this?

20:28Oh, most of the time it's in our chest or in our stomach, right? You start to realize it's where our vagus nerve is. Oh, anxiety, anxiety, right? It's right across here. Okay, can I sit with it? Instead of avoiding it, can I sit with it? And then once I do that, 90 seconds to, it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course. So jubal, tailors, and neuroscientists. If you sat, let's say right now you were feeling something. If I had you sit for 90 seconds, close your eyes and feel it, I would put 100% certainty by the end of the 90 seconds, you would tell me it feels less. But what happens are thoughts restart the clock, restart the clock, restart the clock. So an example would be like, they didn't text you. That was my thing. I don't know about you. If they didn't text me, I would lose my heart. Yeah, I feel like so many girls have that. Yeah. Oh my god. So if they didn't text me, then what happened? I would start to get dysregulated. I would go right to. I knew they didn't like me. I knew they didn't want me. So then what I could do, I could either make a different choice and explore that or text them or call my friends or do spiral go on social media, try to see when they were on last. Look at their last text, analyze everything. Where did I lose them?

21:29And then 99.9% of the time they end up texting you, everything's fine. Or, but then it's also like, I feel like as you get older, you start realizing like, is everything fine? Because they texted me and that made me feel good in that moment. Or do I need to have a conversation with this person because our communication style is off? Exactly. The dopamine reward loops, right? Because then it's, okay, because then I look to and say, what else is the problem? So if I'm focusing so heavily on, they didn't send me a good morning text. But wait a minute, if I zoom out and you go, yeah, they haven't made plans with you, they are not introducing your friends and family. They are emotional, they won't have conversations of depth. Then you're like, the texting is the least of your problems. Like you said, is there more here? Or are you looking at like my partner? He just hates texting. And it's like, but made consistent plans every single week. Always knew when I was gonna see him, never shyed away from a conversation, was very blunt and direct. We just didn't like to text. So that's where you have to be able to discern and say, is there actually a threat here? Or is this just me wanting validation to say, now I feel safe because this person's contacting me? It's usually what texting is.

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25:35So sign up now if you're already shopping there. It's a no-brainer. And if you're not, well, you need to do something about that. Signing up couldn't be easier. And once you've joined, the exclusive member discounts instantly appear. You don't have to do anything. No coupons. You'll enjoy savings on the items you buy most. We're talking about savings on essentials like household items, snacks, and health and personal care products. Plus travel and seasonal stuff too. All right, they are in-store. It couldn't be easier. Deals refresh every two weeks. So there's always something new. But they don't last long. Extra big deals with extra care. Instant savings made simple. Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app. And look for extra big deals and start saving today. So your new book, Why Am I Like This? Break your relationship patterns and create the life you want. How did you decide to write this book? Tell us what it's about and what people can learn from reading it. I knew there was something more to me than it just being like, you know,

26:37that you're just crazy. Because I refused to accept that. There was no such thing as somebody being crazy. We all have learned this from somewhere. And so the book really stemmed from me wanting to get curious about why was I doing the same thing over and over again? Why did I keep dating the same people? My mom jokes and says, you know, the chalk outlines for body. She's like, just put a different body in. She's like, you just could find one that all fit in the same mold. So I knew that I was the common denominator. But I wanted to release the shame and blame around that. Because I think a lot of us see that as, oh, then there's something wrong with me. Really what it was was, what was I allowing? How was they showing up? What was, you know, we talked about earlier. And my 20s when a guy ignored me or dismissed me or floored it to the another girl in front of me, I thought, oh, I have to get him to like me until I realized, wait, wait, wait. But I'm allowing that behavior. I'm playing a part in this dynamics. Why need to take accountability and ownership? And so the book was my entire journey mixing neuroscience psychology and personal experience for the reader to be able to understand that there's nothing wrong with them. They're not broken. There's nothing to fix.

27:37But here you have a bullshit blueprint that you were given when you were a kid. It's like getting a map that's half the streets are missing and somebody telling you to find your way home. Now it gives you a full spectrum so that you can understand yourself, so that you can actually break your patterns. And not even just get the love you want, the life that you want and deserve, because there's no one that doesn't deserve to be, I'm not even going to say happy, fulfilled, and complete and full and feeling like they can authentically be themselves without having to hide parts of themselves. And that's really what I wanted to do because there are some stories in there. I was scared to share and I was worried of, I was really a mess, right? The men I would sleep with, I could do better. I'll just say that. But I really hope that whoever reads it knows that there's nothing ever been wrong with them. They just have to get curious about where they learned this from. What was the story that you were scared to share? Well, what about my dad? By the time this comes out, I've already been disowned. Like he has done with me because I was not willing to hide the secrets anymore about my family and I wasn't willing to normalize the abuse that we went through and the dynamics that I went through. And the total waste of time of guy that I dated that was just so transactional with me.

28:43And every time he wanted to come over and sleep with me, I never said anything. And I just, I felt so empty and hollow when he would leave. But then all I could think about was, how do I get him to commit to me? How do I get him to like me? How do I get him to choose me? And I know so many of us are embarrassed to admit these stories. But if I don't admit it, then I'm going to just make everyone else feel alone. Right? Because the killing is not linear. You're going to go through ups and downs. One step forward, six steps back. There are days I wake up crying and still go, I thought I did this work. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That just means that maybe there's a different part of you that needs you right now. I was just watching Noah Khan's documentary and he was saying that he and his lot of his songs and lyrics are about his parents' divorce. And it was really hard for his family obviously to hear those songs and for them to be so major now when he's selling out arenas. Right. People are listening to these lyrics that share like his deepest personal experiences. But they connect so many people. Especially when you're just here, I don't know about you. I know. I don't really resonate with people that haven't struggled.

29:43Right? Somebody that's just like, yeah, I just, I don't know, I've always had, I've always had money. And I've always had this. And I've always had this. And I've always had this. You're like, oh so you don't know what it feels like to have your heart broken or to be on the floor crying or to wonder how you're going to get through the day. And so I find it really empowering to be able to take the stories that we've been through and the messes and to create beauty around it. Everyone else in my family, like my immediate family, my sister, my brother and my mom, all the night they know about the book, they have read some of the stories. They're really proud of me because they're like, hey, it's time for you to speak your truth. If my father is not okay with that, then that doesn't mean it's something I have to own. That just means it's something I have to accept. And that's the price that you pay for having an authentic truth. Is that you're going to lose people? And that was hard for me when I was dating because saying notice somebody meant that they could walk away. And that's the DEF CON1, right? What do you mean you're going to leave me? But then I had to realize I'm not a six-year-old child, I don't need these people, I'm an adult. And if it's not you, don't worry, it'll be somebody else. So I like that, use the word blueprint. Where does the blueprint start for people? Like, you know, if you're reading this book

30:44and you're trying to apply your own personal experience to it, where are we starting, where are we getting to, and where are we ending? I think what's important is to just even notice and notate what are your patterns, right? So for me, I had to be painfully honest like I take too much accountability, right? When my ex and I broke up, it was all my fault. So okay, so I don't hold any accountability to them. I let people do whatever they want. It's just important to start to say, what are the things I'm seeing? If you're in a relationship marriage single, it does not matter. You can do this work anyplace. And maybe even your own, you're like, wow, me and my husband have this dynamic. We keep falling into the same thing over and over again. Then we remove ourselves and start to get curious of, okay, what's my part? Because I know even my, we had a couple of therapists and she said, I want you to remember that when you and your partner are talking to your two children. So don't forget that. Because it's true. We go back to being those kids that like, I don't know about you, but like me and my partner don't want to fight, right? Like you don't want to be, you're a team. You're not against each other. And we have to remember that there's no ill intent when we're doing that. And so I think it's important to understand what are your patterns.

31:44Then start to get curious about how they act out in your day to day life. Then we start to take accountability and ownership. How old do I feel and where did I learn this behavior from? And then what are my choices? Because I think there's this common misconception that regulating your nervous system means that it just goes away. That's it. Oh, by regulated. I went for a walk. So now I feel good. All that means is that you can access choice. When we regulate, we're allowing our body to know there's no tiger. There's no threat. I'm here and I've got my back. Then I can decide now how do I want to show up? That's different than maybe how I used to. And so the bullshit blueprint that we dove is the one that you were handed. And then now you get to write a new one. How would the adults subruna handle this? How would the adult Kate handle this? How would the version of who I want to become respond and not react? That's what we now get to choose. What are your tips for somebody that would say, well, I don't know what my patterns are. What are your tips for becoming more self-aware? A great place to start is what did I use to accept in relationships and dynamics that I'm no longer willing to? That's what started with me because I understand people are up there.

32:44We're all over the spectrum, right? Some people have been in therapy for 15 years and don't know anything about themselves. And then other people have really good friends that they don't even need that. And they are painfully self-aware. I think it's even stopping to ask what is my impact on other people. Right, I had to look and go, huh, I have a lot of anxiety that's in my body. And I didn't know what to do with it. And so I started to realize other people were really struggling with that. And so I started to look and say, okay, I used to accept low effort. I used to accept men that treated me like an option, not the choice. I used to accept people that used my body and had no problem getting rid of me the next day. So then I'm no longer willing to, that's my pattern. My pattern is a self-abandoned to get chosen. And to be fair, sometimes it really is about going to a good therapist. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes it really is fine. I don't know, but we're having a really honest friend. Get the blue, brutally honest friend. Have you ever done, are you familiar with IFS? Internal family systems. IFS, what I love about it is he made it concise. It's not like it's not these profound things like you're never going to hear this before.

33:44But essentially it's a modality of therapy. You have cognitive behavioral therapy, DBTC, all those different things. IFS is one of them. And what Dick Schwartz has really said is that we have a bunch of different parts of us. And they're all driving the car, but we need to be the adult. So did you see the movie inside out? Yes. That's, that's parts work. Knowing that you can't always be happy. You can't always be sad, right? There's going to be all these. So when you start to really understand the parts of you, it's a beautiful place to start to go, oh, the seven-year-old at me is really scared right now because I just got a huge bill and I don't know how the fuck I'm going to pay for it. Right? Or this person just ghosted me and yeah, a seven-year-old, you're right. She would have no idea how to handle this because that was never her job too. But she thinks she has to keep you safe because subconscious comes. I think it, my knowledge, it's 97% is subconscious, 3% is conscious. So it's our job now to say, oh, that's the little that needs me. She gets to learn that like, that's not, that's not it. And I'll tell you this. I work with people every single day.

34:45I take about 10 to 15 clients a week and I work one-on-one. And I would say almost like almost all of them. When I say, okay, if you're a little over here, right, if a little Kate were here. And she were saying, I'm struggling or I'm sad or whatever, right? Whatever she's experiencing. What do you think she needs to hear? Almost everyone says, you're fine, everything's okay. We're going to be okay and we'll be fine. And it's like, okay, shove shove the emotions into it. Dismiss, right? If I came, if you told me you were hurt and I went, you're going to be fine. You'd look at me and be like, oh, all right. Thank you for that. You would feel dismissed. You'd feel like I didn't hear you. And a good portion of the time what they need to hear is, I'm so sorry if I've done to you what other people have done to me. And I'm so sorry if I haven't shown up for you in the ways that you need. And made you think that you had to take care of me, but I'm here to let you know that I got you. Even something as subtle as that or like, makes total sense that you would feel this, of course you would. All of a sudden you can feel like you can breathe again, you know? So I don't know, I love it.

35:46I love it in our child work. Have you ever done it? No, I haven't. But it's so funny that you bring up inside out because my husband's family, there's his mom's a therapist, his aunt's therapist, his uncles' therapist, like they're what we call them. They always joke they're like we're a family of shrinks. And her favorite movie is Inside Out. She just loves talking about it and how it's, I don't know, she loves it. I would have to have her give her perspective on it. I love it because it's so true. And I think she's 100% right because I love that it made it digestible for children and for adults to understand that you can't just get rid of specific emotions because when you try to get rid of them, they're going to rear their ugly head. But that's why I think, and that's I think what I love in dating, especially when people are hung up on an X or I can't get over them a situation ship they don't want because a good portion of the time when you actually stop to ask these people, what are you hung up on? The idea of them, who they could have... Yes, it's like falling for potential. And I wrote down like another pattern I think so many people recognize is knowing who someone is today but staying because of who they'll hope they become.

36:47And I remember having an XA to me like, you know, we're trying to fit a square into a circle with this relationship, you know? It's just... and anyways, and he was older than me and I was young and immature at the time and I was like, what do you mean? And like, we're great. Yeah, love is enough. I can change. And I hear the like, if they just do this, right? If they just opened up more and you're like, I mean, if they just opened up more, as if it's just... Is this who they are? People show you who they are. Yeah, as if it's just like a switch. I think we can all evolve. But I think fundamentally character is destiny. Like, my partner's more avoidant. I'm more anxious. And that's okay, right? There doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of us. That means that shirt. Can we start to like, I can learn to remove myself. I can learn, okay, when he asks for space, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. You know, like, there are basics of growth and evolution. But I'm not going to expect that he's going to walk in the room and be the center of attention and though... Though gregarious big one. It's like, let's just know who he is. The same that I'm not going to be the one that just sits in a corner in his quiet. I don't shut up. So knowing and fundamentally, it also like capacity, right?

37:47Yeah. That if I have somebody that dismisses my feelings, that's why I hate like red flags. I hate the conversation of red flags. No, I love it. But I hate what TikTok has done to it. Because we see red flags as if every little thing is that, right? Like, they didn't open the door for me. They had a Velcro wallet. They asked me to split the bill. Red flags are a pattern of behavior. You can have a preference, right? But a red flag is, did they acknowledge your feelings when you spoke to them or did they dismiss you? Are they rude to people outside and public like wait staff or dormant? Like, I don't have patience for things like that. Do they allow me to be myself? Those are the red flags I'm going to look for. Are they taking accountability and ownership? Do they know how to say I'm sorry? Do they say I'm sorry just so that you'll stop talking or do they actually want to understand? Are they curious about you? These are all the things that I think for so long we've been taught, like you said earlier, chemistry. Right? Oh, do I feel like the spark? And it's like the spark is just the trauma tingles. The spark is just blood rushing to your philangie so that you'll run. But the thing is they're hot. So you think run towards them.

38:48But the last time I chased the spark I was in therapy for like seven years. So I don't know if that's necessarily the best idea. And I'm not saying to do charity work. But if you feel these enormous emotions when you're with them and then a wreck when they're not there, the pinch doesn't match the edge. When you met your husband, how did you feel immediately? Was it immediate like you knew or did you need to get to know him a little bit? Jeremy and I started out as friends and like we ended up somehow starting to date. And now we're married and we have a kid. But I do have to say though, like I do remember when I first met him and there was a spark there. And I said to one of my friends, I was like, this is going to sound crazy. But like I think I'm going to marry that guy. And we didn't start dating for like five years after that. But we did eventually end up dating and getting married and thrust his history. And sometimes that happens. Yeah. Like the sister met her husband at 19. They've been together 21 years. Right. And the same thing she told her, she's like, I'm marrying this guy. And she did. Of course, I slept with my partner on the first date. Like I would never say, I don't believe that there's a black and white. I think that it. But to your point, you didn't rush and you weren't staring at your phone every day.

39:51You allowed nature to take its course. And you were like, okay, if it's going to happen, great. But you built a solid relationship of trust to where then you started to date and it just progressed. I personally think that's the most beautiful way. I find that like you said, when we try to fit a square through a circle hole of like the spark means it has to work. It doesn't always. You can have play. I can have a great connection with people. But then realize that maybe they want someone who's more submissive. Or maybe they want someone more dominant, right? And that maybe they just, my flavor is not theirs. And that's okay. But I do love that you guys had a baseline of a friendship and like a dynamic. I agree. How long have you been doing it? We've been together for, oh gosh, well, I mean we started dating I guess three to four years ago. And then we've been married now for a little over a year. Yeah. That's awesome. It works. I feel like it's, I believe in the gray when it comes to relationships. You really got to believe in the gray. I was talking to someone the other day who's a therapist and they were dating their husband. Or for maybe like two years broke up for another two years and then found their way back together.

40:52So you really never know. There's no one blueprint. It's the same with like, yeah, I rise up with my partner leaving going. I'm never going to see this guy again. And it's like here we are three and a half years later, right? It nothing, I don't believe in black and white. But what I do think is if you start to see a pattern of behavior, right? Like they're consistently breadcrombing you. They're consistently deflecting. There are certain things that you just shouldn't overlook for the sake of saying, but they're the one. It's like, yeah, the one that's going to keep you in therapy. Right? So like there are certain, I think there is a balance between is the reciprocity and is this person treating me with respect? And do they have the capacity to hold me? And I think it's also recognizing where you're at in life. And I think sometimes this is hard for people to understand when they're 23-22. Like for example, I met my husband when I was, I guess, 22 years old at 22-23. And what I have loved to date him back then maybe, like maybe I would have loved if he was interested in me in that way. But if we had dated then we wouldn't be married now. You know, and I think it's important for people to understand, like maybe you're just not at the point in life yet where you are ready to have a serious relationship. You know, 100%.

41:52I was just thinking about this the other day, but a lot of my college friends are now getting married. And obviously you've been going all these weddings and it's like such a beautiful thing to see all these girls and boys. And they're, you know, 28, 29, 30. They're, you know, later 20s, early 30s getting married. And I'm like, it's so funny because when we were 22-23, we would talk about like, who are we going to marry? And it's not that long of a period of time that we're now at the point where people are getting married. They're in serious partnerships, like serious relationships. So anyways, I think for any like young people out there listening, my point is that you just have to take your time because it happens quicker than you think that you do find your person. But you really have to do the inner work, figure yourself out to get to that point. I don't know. Like you have to become whole on your own too. Especially now too, right? Like I think about one of my clenches 21. And she had a college boyfriend and I said, baby, I'm so sorry to say this. Like you're going to have many more of these, you know what? Like I understand it's we're in a different time. You're not getting married to 20 anymore. You're not having 17 kids and you know, life expectancy isn't 40.

42:53But I met my partner at 32. I started my business at 32. There is no, I've met one of my friends, Tam's, and she met her husband at 50. Like it doesn't mean that just because you're on a different timeline, that it's the wrong timeline or a different timeline than our parents were on right? Cause they got married so much younger. Well, my mom talks me out. She's like, by your age, I had, she's like, we bought and sold at least four homes by then. She had with three kids, you're like, your father worked. I didn't tell completely different time. And she was like, it was now it's unattainable. You're like, I'm sorry, five million sorry, I don't have that for a house. So I guess I'll just keep renting. But that's okay. I just, I hope that everybody knows that you are perfectly imperfect and that's okay. It doesn't, you don't need to be anything. And I, I will find myself comparing myself to other people's timeline. And after I'm mine myself, that's there's not mine. Comparison is truly the root of all evil, right? That's the quote. It's so true. It's specially in dating. It's so, it's, I mean, especially in New York City, it's hard. It's hard out here. And don't believe everything you see. Because you could see how many times you hear of the amazing couple and then you find out that he cheated on her. They're getting a divorce and everyone shocked and it's like, you don't know what happened.

43:56You don't know their communication is you don't know what their conversations are. You don't know what their agreements are. It might work for them. It doesn't have to work for you. But know who you are and know what it is that you need not just necessarily want. And my mama always used to say, you focus so hard on what if, but if you focused on what is, you would be in a completely different place. Because when I used to say, oh, well, if, you know, if he just was, let me in more and she would go, but then if he did that, you wouldn't be here, Sabrina. And so she was like, stop trying to make this. Take the shine off of them. Make them a real person and acknowledge that they're not that special. They just trigger a pretty deep core wound where you feel like you have to earn somebody's love and they're probably more familiar than they are safe. Every runner knows the feeling when you finally hit your stride. You stop thinking about every step and start focusing on the journey ahead. Running a small business should feel a little more like that. But when you're juggling payroll benefits, hiring and HR compliance on top of everything else, it's hard to find your rhythm. That's where just works comes in. Just works handles the back office admins small business owners can afford to get wrong.

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47:0996% of pay later shoppers are repeat users. Paypal open, built for all business, get started at PaypalOpen.com. Paypal pay later data eight markets March 2025 to February 2026. Repeat users defined as more than one pay later purchase in the past year. Who out there shops at CVS? Most of you, right? Well, if you are not signed up for extra care, you need to fix it because when you are, you get extra big deals. These are limited time offers you can find in store or in the app. And it's where being an extra care member pays off. So sign up now if you are already shopping there, it's a no-brainer. And if you are not, well, you need to do something about that. Signing up couldn't be easier and once you've joined, the exclusive member discounts instantly appear. You don't have to do anything, no coupons, you'll enjoy savings on the items you buy most. We're talking about savings on essentials like household items, snacks and health and personal care products, plus travel and seasonal stuff too. All right there in store. It couldn't be easier. Deals refresh every two weeks, so there's always something new, but they don't last long. Extra big deals with extra care, instant savings made simple.

48:15Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today. How does people pleasing show up in a relationship, whether it's a romantic partner or a friendship? People pleasing could be saying, yes, when you want to say no, being, oh, I don't want to bother them. I'll take care of it. I'll do it. You put other people first before you think of your own needs. Now, it's not a conscious manipulative. This is not because you're like, oh, I'm going to get this. But oftentimes the people that people please is because we want to avoid conflict or hurting somebody or disappointing somebody. But then once we realize, once you start to do the work, you realize that's part of it. And we end up hurting ourselves a lot, 99.9% of the time. I mean, how many communication issues come out of being a people pleaser, right? Where you say yes to doing something and then in the back of your mind, you're like, wait, no, no, no, no. I said, God, I said, yes, when I was young and naive and now here I am. And I have learned that no is my favorite word now, because I used to it. When I first started my career, I would just give free advice.

49:18And I remember one of my friends, she came to me and she goes, you cut that. And I was like, no, but what if they get mad at me? She's like, let them leave then. And it struggled with me because I was like, but they're going to leave me. And that's when you realize, oh, those are the people that benefit it from the fact that you didn't have boundaries. Because the people that love you and care for you, when you say, I'm so sorry, I can't make it. When we think about people pleasing, we want to think about it might be hurtful or harmful. If I'm being hurtful, right? So let's say your friend called you and today and said, I'm only in town tonight. Can I see you tonight? You can hurt their feelings by saying, oh, no, I'm sorry, I can't make it. It's too last minute. Let me know next time when you have an advanced notice. Versus harmful might be, my daughter needs to go to a doctor's appointment. You know what? Forget it. Okay, final come. You're literally harming your child, your friend, right, whatever by making this decision because you don't want to hurt somebody else's feelings. And so when we're thinking about the same dating, right, I used to go out, you said, jump again. I said, I don't know. If you told me at 11 o'clock at night, come out. Even if I knew I didn't want to, I would do it because I didn't want you to be mad at me. I didn't want you to not like me. I wanted you to choose me.

50:22Until I started saying, well, why am I doing that? No, sorry, I don't go out past seven. Nothing good happens after nine anyways, especially on a date. And I am going to do something earlier. Or for me, I love a coffee date. I do. I think a coffee date is my favorite for a first date. First date coffee date because if I don't like you, I was here for 30 minutes. I had a match on I can get out of here. If I like you, great. We'll go to dinner. We'll do, like we'll do our thing. That's totally fine. But it was the thing with people pleasing and the reason that a lot of people struggle with it is because you have to learn to grieve. You have to learn to grieve the parts of you that allowed us, the parts of you that think that this is how you get people to like you. You have to grieve the parts that never got to say no because for some of us, it wasn't safe. At least for me, it wasn't. I couldn't go to my dad and be like, hey, I don't love the way you're talking to me. I would get hit. I thought it would just be the end of it. And then we also have to grieve the people that are going to leave. Because if there's somebody when you say no and they get upset with you, that tells you a lot about how you fit into their life and realistically how they perceive you into fit into their life.

51:22Because you might just be a commodity to them as opposed to an actual person that has needs. I even find myself doing it sometime with like sometimes with texting, right, where I get sucked into like a group chat or a conversation one off with somebody where I feel bad, like just being like, I'm sorry, like I'm busy, I really can't talk to you and send paragraphs to you back and forth all day about whatever we're talking about, you know, I did that with a friend breakup. And she was it was one after it was every single day just it was so much anxiety. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. And I finally just said, hey, I can't be there for you in this capacity. If you're not willing to get help, I can't support you in this any further. Because it was like eight months of the same thing. And to me, I think we're not helping people. You're enabling. Right even with my content, I could say what you want to hear. But I don't think that's actually helping you. I said, what you need to hear. And that's okay if it hurts you. I'm not here to cuddle. I'm not chat you be tea. But for people pleasing like my sister will do that. Somebody like my mom came to town and I will talk to her prior and I'm like, okay, this is a safe space. You don't want to have mom like that's okay. Like if you don't want mom to stay with you or whatever, like if you get overwhelmed or you have the kid, she's like, kid in the husband, I'm like, I get it, I get it.

52:27We got to communicate and she'll say, no, no, it's fine. And then I go over her house and I'm going to see my mom and all of a sudden she's like, so she can go back to your house. And I said, no, Jamie, we had this time. I'm sorry. I'm like, we made this agreement. You said you were going to have her for three days. You're going to have to take her for three days. And now she's gone to the point where she'll come to me and say, I don't feel comfortable. Like, I can't make it to this. Or if I do this, I have to do this. And it's now a safe space because I go, okay, thank you for letting me know. I appreciate the honesty. It helps me. I wish people knew that when someone loves and respects you, they want to hear what it is that you need because that helps us help you. Otherwise, I'm shooting in the dark. Oh, you said it's okay. It's okay. Resentment starts to breed. We start to keep things in. We fester, we fester, we fester, eventually will come out. And it'll come out in a lot mess here of a way. People pleasing is dangerous. So if you find that you are a people pleaser, they're really our tools that you have to start. You have to cut it because people pleasing can be really bad. And then it ends up making you look like the bad guy. Even all of your intentions are to be the good guy, right? That's why it's unconsciously manipulative.

53:31You're not doing that. But we're trying to avoid dealing with things because we're like, okay, if I should say this, they'll be happy. They'll do. But then we're controlling the outcome. Instead of, I'm only can control myself. If you're mad at me, I can't control that. And I, sorry, if I hurt your feelings, that wasn't my intention. But I do need to say no because I can't come get you. Right. If I have a 6 a.m. meeting, I'm not going out at 10 o'clock at night. That doesn't work for me. If that's in someone running, I remember when I first set a boundary, my first move to LA, I match with this guy. And we were texting for like four days. And I French, I was like, cool. I don't really want to do this. I'm not looking for a penpal. And I said, okay, well, I think we've gotten to know each other enough via text. Want to meet up? Like I don't really want to be on my phone anymore. Like here's my number. His response was, whoa, what's the rush to the altar? And I remember my brother being there. He goes, put your phone down. It's never going to work. I never met that guy. And because I was like, huh, so me setting a boundary saying, I don't feel comfortable doing this. I don't want to engage in this. You then make it about me being too much. Feel free to go find less. Because if that's that person, that's how they're going to handle me just simply saying I don't like that and not trying to even understand it.

54:39And that's not the right person for me. But it comes with grief. It's interesting because the boundaries that you set for yourself with other people can really show you who those people are meant to be in your life, right? 100%. If I say no to you and you give me an attitude, right? We think of narcissists. A lot of narcissists hate. They hate the word no. Narcissists, the reason that it works like I was guilty of that right. My father is one I dated them many, many, many, many moons over is because what they're doing is they're consistently testing your boundaries to see how much that they can become the center of your universe. Because then they start to devalue you and then eventually they will discard you. But that's why with love bombing and coming on strong and doing all of that, it can be very dangerous because one, your nervous system isn't actually having time to adjust to this. But then also you're giving them a lot of power before they've actually earned that place in your life. Right. If I'm going to, if you're going to come and show me flowers and gifts and take me on all these trips, I'm going to be lost in the sauce because then when you start to pull that away, I'm constantly feeding for it.

55:41And I'm starting to panic and worry. They know they have you hook a lion's sinker and then it expedites intimacy. Okay. So what are the signs that you are being love bomb? How can we identify a love bomber? It's an inorganic amount of love, attention, infection in the time that they've known you. So I love Matthew Hussey's friend and he always says, imagine if you walked by someone's house and went, that was nice. He's like, they don't just throw you the keys. You're not just like, yeah, come on in. It's like, no, you would just, okay, thanks. Love bombing the reason people do it and it's not always narcissism. That's not like I don't want to throw the terminology around and make it sound. Some people love bomb because they're really insecure and they just want to get to safety and it's okay. I have all of this to give. So let me give it all. Then the people that are receiving it are like, finally, someone sees me, right. They understand it. Love bombing can look like within a month. Let's say you just met. They want to become exclusive after the first date. They want you to meet friends and family. They're showering you with gifts and attention and affection and they're calling you every single day multiple times a day and they're texting you and it feels so it feels like you're expediting those steps of the relationship quicker than they need to be.

56:42That's why I think if you go slow, you'll actually get into a relationship faster. You did that in a tone way. Yeah. With its own in your own journey, but my partner and I we went very slow. It didn't that's not intimacy is a side, right. I was an adult. I made a choice for myself. But meaning that we didn't I didn't rush to meet his friends and family took us like four months to meet friends and family. I didn't we went on our first vacation to me biggest thing. Go on a vacation with somebody. Within like once you're comfortable to do that to go away with them. Please feel safe. You'll really see how they are in a different environment. You start to notice like how are they when they get inconvenienced. How are they when someone cuts them off. How are they when they're triggered. But love bombing especially in New York. I used to get a hook line sinker the good looking guy everybody. I feel like everybody because I also feel like relationships happen almost kind of like things happen quickly in the city right because it's like by that everybody says like I mean I mean I don't know not everybody. There's people that are a lot probably more prudent when it comes to stuff but it used to be like on the second day like you can hook up with a guy right like that was kind of or third day. I forgot. I knew whatever you want.

57:43I remember like but I don't remember but like that's like what people used to say right but like three dates is kind of like a short period of time when you really think about it right like if you're following that whatever that rule is which by by the way did not follow that rule but I do not know. Yeah I don't know I just think things happen really quickly in the city so I also feel like it's easier to get love bomb right because especially when it's like the options of doing things it's like I mean my personal favorite dates are like yours. I'm like I want to go to a coffee shop. I want to go on a run of the park a bike ride. But in New York it's very common to like go to fancy dinners so I feel like it's easy to get love bombed here. It's so easy. I know I oh 100% like when there's the glitz the glamour I remember I had dated one guy and I call him the conventionally handsome guy because he was very conventionally handsome. He's a very wealthy good looking charming to a tea but my my instincts I had been I dated too many of those it was screaming its bloody head off because he would take me to $500 dinners and everything was so grandiose and what are you doing right now texting me multiple times a day. I'm going to come and see it just felt so well rehearsed that then when I started to scratch the surface and say no that doesn't work for me. Here's what I need all I started to get the attitude then he's definitely admitted I'm emotionally available.

58:56People that are really secure who they are understand that it takes time for trust to be built so they're not just going to give you everything off the bat. A lot of the times people that love mom are usually very insecure and the reason they do it is because one they want to get your attention they like the chase they want to earn it from you because maybe somewhere along the way they learned that you have to earn it. That's talking about the non-norsicism. Narcissists do that because that's how they figure out if you're bait because when they love bomb you in your hook line sinker just going right and doing all of it they know that they have you for other people when they're really insecure it's because that's how they get their value and that's why usually once they get you they don't want you. I hear that every day they love mommy they came on really strong and then that was it they said they're not ready for a relationship they fizzled it's like because it was never about you it was how it made them feel. It was about how it made them put their perception and then once they got you remember when we talked about the novelty thing it's oh that was easy I don't want anymore but you can't run that because then it's playing hard to get how long you play hard to get. Are you Tom and Jerry eventually the cat will catch the mouse well then what are you going to do then I'm not looking for big emotions because when those go away what you left with your left with two people I'm looking for slow and steady because you want your nervous system right so an example would be if it's New Year's Eve that's when your resolutions don't work if I've never run and you're telling me let's go for a 15 mile run it's never going to happen right I'm no but if I if you said let's go for 15 mile run what I would say is for a week I'm just going to put my shoes by the door.

1:00:23Then maybe I'll put my socks then maybe I'll go for a walk on my floor then maybe I'll go for a block because when I'm teaching my nervous system is this feel safe and it's not overwhelming that's the problem with love bombing is it comes in so quick you feel like you've met your night and churning arm of course they see my value I think it dropped like a bad habit and that reaffirms every core belief that you went into this thinking that maybe they finally saw you for who you are and then you realize it was just about them. Every runner knows the feeling when you finally hit your stride you stop thinking about every step and start focusing on the journey ahead running a small business should feel a little more like that but when you're juggling payroll benefits hiring and HR compliance on top of everything else it's hard to find your rhythm that's where just works comes in just works handles the back office admins small business owners can afford to get wrong combining intuitive software with real human support they help keep your business moving forward think of just works as a run buddy for your business the support system that's there to help lighten the load so you can focus on the road ahead building something great takes endurance and the right support can make every step feel a little lighter chase your dream not the paper work because you don't have to worry when it just works had to just works calm to learn more are you tired of the confusing bait and switch pricing on GLP ones then visit happy GLP dot com where it's always ninety nine dollars a month at happy GLP whether you're brand new or renewing it's ninety nine dollars

1:01:49every time no teaser price no switch up getting started is fast convenient and happens virtually with a license provider check it out happy GLP dot com compounded medications are not FDA approved eligibility required and determined by a license provider individual results may vary see website for details I had a huge body flare up again was itchy from head to toe and I applied to topical steroids like I normally do when I'm in moments of crisis like this you know I normally wait about thirty minutes and I'm like okay so this is not working and so I applied again and waited another thirty minutes and I'm like this is not going down what is what is going on here and that's when the anxiety kind of kicked in because I was like yeah what is happening my my entire world and I idea of what it was to manage my ex-map at that time completely crashed that's when I started doing research for the first time and then I realized wow I think I think the medicine stopped working for me and my body was just going through maybe a withdrawal process

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1:05:04willing to to great jumping off point to start to say oh yeah I used to accept breadcrumbs no longer willing to so then I would look and say what are the behaviors that I used to exhibit in so for me I like I don't think I'm at my partner in hinge I don't think dating apps are inherently the worst things in the world but I also know that the casino always wins right like their job is to keep people on there let's not forget the people that use them are also responsible right there's a lot of people that use them because they have a lot of options and it's fun and right so I would say it's taking stock of what is that you actually need in a relationship first want we all think I hear this all the time I'm ready for a relationship and then you see how they act you're like you're not actually ready you don't have you don't have the hard conversations to me a relationship is one giant conversation that's it it's just a long conversation because the minute you stop communicating with somebody is the minute the relationship will start to tarnish and so if you're not comfortable off the bat being able to take up space grieving the end of things choosing yourself you're probably not going to be able to be in a healthy and secure relationship and so I think the best place to start is to take stock of your own shit what's in your control and then what am I allowing because if I keep

1:06:10seeing if I keep dating the same type of person over and over again I would then odds on chance you've met healthy people that probably want to give you love you just don't know how to receive it and you may not be ready for it 100% I think that's a thing to is like especially as a woman and from my own perspective it's like I feel like I was always so concerned about timelines that I never really had the self awareness to be like you're not ready for a relationship yet right you want something so bad but have you become it you want this amazing partner that's going to do all these but have you become that and I'll go further you're like are you the amazing partner exactly it's like we're so quick to place blame on other people right it's like you know you can probably listen to be in a beginning of this conversation it's like everybody's like oh I'm the good guy but what if you're not what if you're not and something to that I think age taught me age to just a lot but age taught me you want all of these things but then do you know what comes with it right what are the what are the sacrifices that you're willing to make so an example would be it's like you know you meet these women that's like I want the wealthy guy that's going to take me on all the trips and it's going to do all this okay well with that or the the one he and he wakes up at 5 a.m.

1:07:13and he goes into the gym and he has a six pack and he to that's going to come with someone very disciplined potentially very rigid so you have to understand you might have to fit into his life as well because that's what we forget right you're not going to get the person that's like wealthy in this but then they never have to work and they can do it on you 24 seven and you get all the attention it's like that person doesn't exist you're going to have to make sacrifices and so you're with my partner when we first met he's like I love a strong woman I love a business right like somebody who's go get her and doing that but you know what that comes with that that's always my priority that my relationship is very very important to me but if I don't have my career I don't have safety I don't have money I don't have finances I can't take care of me and my mom and so my partner had to know yeah the relationship is up there but it will not be my number one priority because it's just not right for you if having kids is amazing but if that's not a priority you got to be okay with that and that's I think a disconnect I see a lot is we want all of these things but then do you know what you're going to get when you get that

1:08:13when you get the release successful good looking all of this my mom always said when they're so attractive will never be yours right because then there women are constantly looking are you going to be okay with that are you secure enough to know that there's going to be women looking at your partner you are great enjoy it but if you're painfully insecure I would not go and date a fashion photographer you know like I would date somebody that's around beautiful women all the time because you're constantly going to question yourself so be careful what you wish for because when you get it are you going to be ready the conversation about like the super rigid guy I'm curious like what comes with that like even vice versa like say your dating girl that's like very regiment like wakes up in the morning has theater you know there's no people that I know in the city that have these like crazy routines and like while I respect the hell out of them it could simply never be me and I could never date somebody like that some curious like you talk to people every day that are in relationships with different types of people like when you're dating somebody that's super rigid what are the things that come with that also my own partner is that and I've had to be okay with that yeah he knows something new my partners in the room partner to the

1:09:15my partner is very rigid and that's just that's his thing what that's come with is me going okay I have to let some things go and being okay with going okay right now right it yesterday at dinner it he really wanted to eat did not want to walk and you're like okay I can let this go and then other times you're like I am going to Bart Simpson your neck and I want to strangle you choosing your battles but if I were very like it's my way the highway we would never work and that's okay I see a lot of the pendulum swings I have a lot of high achievers but with high achievers come priorities right and I have like one client that comes to mind he's in his 50s he's an incredibly successful like public speaker he was a former athlete he has three kids and he'll date women that don't understand his priorities and so he explains to them like I have three kids that I am full custody of I have a full robust career I am traveling a lot and then he'll get the women that upset why didn't you text me and why didn't you call me and what and he's like what are you not getting you want this idea of me but then you

1:10:17don't want what it comes with yeah I was just talking to actually an Olympic Olympic Olympic athlete the other day and we were talking about dating and you know I was like yeah I just had like my first baby whatever and he was like oh like I I want to get there but like I'm just not there yet because like I'm you know training for the Olympics and he was like in every girl that I did I try to explain to them like this is my schedule this is my part number one priority and they say I understand and they don't get it so it is interesting like you do have to in the same with the like the people tell you something you got to listen right believe them yeah and it's the same because a lot of chances they're telling you that like they're not trying if somebody knows that you might leave for that they're not going to do that if they don't want you to leave you know what I mean it's the same with the like cool girl right oh I want the aloof no drama but you know what it also comes with her she might not know how to say no she might not know how to say boundary she might have a lot of resentment she might not be the strong wild person that you actually need maybe versus want that's okay it doesn't mean anyone's bad but I also think it's being realistic because I used to think I wanted something until I realized what I needed

1:11:22and what I needed is very different than I what I wanted because what I wanted was a fairy tale I wanted the prince charming who's going to come save me until I really had to save myself and then I got to be an adult and grow a relationship with someone because there's no such thing as perfection and your partner's going to piss you off whoever told you that your partner husband wife whatever it's never you're never going to have a fight and you're always going to love them has been lying to you for a long time or has not been in a relationship and dated because you're going to have you're going to get triggered a trigger is a neutral action or inaction it doesn't mean that they're a bad part if they consistently trigger you and they know that that hurts you that's a very different story but your partner's going to do things that he they they'd have no idea bother you that doesn't make them wrong for you and I see that I see that all the time on tiktok a partner that gives you anxiety is wrong for you well look at the verbiage there gives you anxiety but look there's no accountability on maybe the stories that we create the narratives the stuff the filling in the blanks that maybe they're actually not doing anything wrong but look what we're perceiving it to be or maybe they are how discerning are you being I think that's what's missing is a discernment between what is actually and what you're fantasizing

1:12:23it to be I feel like one of the things that we're also circling on is it's so common in our early twenties and relationships to constantly pick the same type of person over and over again right so if our past shapes what feels familiar to us does it also shape what we're attracted to 100% if your past we have to remember our nervous system is designed to help keep you safe not to help you grow your nervous system has no idea how old you are it doesn't know that you've credit cards it doesn't know that you have this beautiful how it has no idea it will when you go back to being a six-year-old it thinks that you're back there so when we go for patterns right literally like that's in the book I talk about a lot of my experiences and you start to see you're like oh I see the pattern here you're going for people you had to self abandoned for that you had to say yes when you wanted to say no that you slept with just to get them to like you quickly that's what shapes what it is that we're willing to allow that's why you could bring the most healthy secure person I hear healthy equals boring all the time because it's not activating you and then we think there's something wrong we see it as oh well if I feel all of this then that must be the

1:13:27right person that's just familiar and for a lot of us home wasn't really safe so it's like do you want to feel does this person feel like home is that a good thing or a bad thing is that is this the type of partner that you've always dreamed of because if the answer is no I think we start need to start to reassess and actually say do you do you believe that you're actually deserving of more and everybody sells me yes and it's like then show me who you date and I'll tell you I'll show show me who you show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are because the people that you date or a direct reflection of how much you love yourself and so if you're embarrassed by that then you just start to look at how you perceive yourself so true yeah and it's better to date when you're much older than date date the wrong person I would so much rather be single in my thirties than be married at 25 and being like now what and because I just took what I could get and I used to I used to date people and just be like oh well I just have a partner until I realized like but I don't feel fulfilled with this person I don't feel good with them that's very different how I feel with you is a lot more important than how I feel about you because I can think that you're

1:14:29the bee's knees but if I feel like I do with I'm with my mom or dad I don't think that's right partner for me okay so we talked about a lot today I feel like this conversation just should you should come out of it if you're listening just feeling a lot more self-aware do some self-reflection so you know what does progress look like saber like taking all these things to account what you're saying like what do you want progress to look and feel like progress can look like something as simple as you spent you took one minute before responding right it could be as simple as this morning I woke up and I meditated for a minute wow I'm so proud of myself progress could be I would normally text back and you know what I'm not going to we're looking for progress not perfection it's a what is one step closer to the version of who I believe I am and I see it like a mountain right if there's this massive mountain that I'm trying to climb if I don't have any tools or clothes and I'm completely naked trying to climb that's going to be really difficult doing this work and having progress doesn't mean that the climb is easier but you have the right equipment that you need in order to climb or run right if you have the wrong sneakers a run is going to be a lot more difficult than the right shoes outfit and gear that you need to get

1:15:32to your goal and so I want anybody that's listening if you do one thing small movement right one foot in front of the other is the only way forward that is progress and that is your nervous system actually starting to recalibrate because we actually do have neuroplasticity you can change the way you think you can change your default thought processes but it takes repetition and it takes consistency that is progress so if you could do something for 40 days forget 40 days you do something for seven days that right there shows that you happen within you because one or two and it's not enough but start to show up differently every single day and you will see your life change in ways that you never thought you would imagine okay well everybody listening make sure you go out and grab a copy of Sabrina's book why am I like this break your relationship patterns and create the life that you want if you're listening to some you live in New York City or LA or Dallas whatever major city you are in or you're just someone that you know is a high achiever I know you're somebody that wants to create the life they want so check out Sabrina's book oh I hope you guys love it and thank you for having me and I think the conversation is important for people to hear like again you're

1:16:33not broken there's nothing to fix you just probably need to heal where you'll learn this from and that's it that's it thank you thank you are you tired of the confusing bait and switch pricing on GLP ones then visit happy GLP dot com where it's always ninety nine dollars a month at happy GLP whether you're brand new or renewing it's ninety nine dollars every time no teaser price no switch up getting started is fast convenient and happens virtually with a license provider check it out happy GLP dot com compounded medications are not FDA approved eligibility required and determined by a license provider individual results may vary see website for details Granger knows if you're a procurement manager at an industrial manufacturing facility you're balancing inventory and budget while sourcing critical supplies across the operation too much inventory cost climb too little production slows Granger's two billion dollars and on hand inventory helps you get what you need when you need it so you can help keep budgets balanced in lines moving call 1-800-GRanger click ranger.com or just stop by

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