Gentle Grafter-O. Henry

0:00Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why Trade Pros trust Fiber cement, Party Backer Board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture. Chosen over 40 million Kitchen's in bathrooms, Party Backer Board, what the best build on. Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores. For more information, visit JamesHearty.com slash HeartyBacker. Chapter 2 of the Gentle Grafter. This Librevox recording is in the public domain. The Gentle Grafter by O. Henry. Chapter 2, Jeff Peters as a personal magnet. Jeff Peters has been engaged in as many schemes for making money, as there are recipes for cooking rice in Charleston, South Carolina. Best of all, I like to hear him tell of his earlier days when he sold linoments and cough curers on street corners, living hand-to-mouth, heart-to-heart with the people, throwing heads or tails

1:05with fortune for his last coin. Astrock Fisher Hill Arkansas said he, in a buck's skin suit, moccasins, long hair, and a 30-karat diamond ring that I got from an actor in Texarkana. I don't know what he ever did with a pocket knife I swapped him for it. I was Dr. Wahoo, the celebrated Indian medicine man. I carried only one best bet just then, and that was Resurrection Bitters. He was made of life-giving plants and herbs accidentally discovered by Takwala, the beautiful wife of the chief of the Choctaw Nation, while gathering truck to garnish a platter of boiled dog for the annual corn dance. Business hadn't been good in the last town, so I only had five dollars. I went to the Fisher Hill drugest, and he credited me for half a gross of eight ounce bottles and corks. I had the labels and ingredients in my police left over from the last town. Life began to look rosy again after I got in my hotel room with the water running

2:09from the tap and the Resurrection Bitters lining up on the table by the dozen. Fake? No sir, there was two dollars worth of fluid extract of Sinchona and a dime's worth of aneline in that half-gross of Bitters. I've gone through town's years afterwards, and had folks ask me for them again. I hired a wagon that night and commenced selling the Bitters on Main Street. Fisher Hill was a low-malarial town, and the compound hypothetical newmo cardiac anti-scorbitonic was just what I diagnosed the crowd as needing. The Bitters started off like sweet breads on toast at a vegetarian dinner. I had sold two dozen at fifty cents a piece, when I felt somebody pooled my coat-tail. I knew what that meant, so I climbed down and sneaked a five-dollar bill into the hand of a man with a German silver star on his lapel. Constable says I. It's a fine night. Have you got a city license, he asks, to sell this illegitimate essence of Spu-Ju that you flatter

3:13by the name of medicine? I have not, says I. I didn't know you had a city. If I can find it tomorrow, I'll take out one if it's necessary. No, I'll have to close you up till you do, says the constable. I quit selling and went back to the hotel. I was talking to the landlord about it. You won't stand no show in Fisher Hill, says he. Dr. Hoskins, the only doctor here, is a brother-in-law of the mayor, and they won't allow no fake doctor to practice in town. I don't practice medicine, says I. I've got a state peddler's license, and I take out a city whenever they demand it. I went to the mayor's office the next morning, and they told me he hadn't showed up yet. They didn't know when he'd be down, so Doc Wahoo hunches down again in a hotel chair, and lights a Gymson-Weed regalia and waits. Bye and bye, a young man and a blue necktie slips into the chair next to me, and asks the time. Half-past ten, says I, and you are Andy Tucker.

4:19I've seen you work. Wasn't it you that put up the great cupid combination package on the southern states? Let's see, it was a Chilean diamond engagement ring, a wedding ring, a potato masher, a bottle of soothing syrup, and Dorothy Vernon, all for fifty cents. And he was pleased to hear that I remembered him. He was a good street man, and he was more than that. He respected his profession, and he was satisfied with three hundred percent profit. He had plenty of offers to go into the illegitimate drug and garden seed business, but he was never to be tempted off the straight path. I wanted a partner, so Andy and me agreed to go out together. I told him about the situation in Fisher Hill, and how finances was low on the account of the local mixture of politics and cell-up. Andy had just got in on the train that morning. He was pretty low of himself, and was going to Canvas the whole town for a few dollars to build a new battleship by popular subscription

5:21at Ureca Springs. So we went out and sat on the porch and talked it over. The next morning at eleven o'clock, when I was sitting there alone, an Uncle Tom shuffles into the hotel and ask for the doctor to come and see Judge Banks, who it seems was the mayor and a mighty sick man. I have no doctor, says I. Why don't you go and get the doctor? Boss says he. Doc Hoskins, I am gone twenty miles into country to see some sick persons. He is the only doctor in town, and massive banks and powerful bed off. He sent me to act you, please sir. Come. As man demands as I, I'll go and look him over. So I put a bottle of resurrection bitters in my pocket, goes up the hill to the mayor's mansion, the finest house in town, with a man'sard roof and two cast iron dogs on the lawn. This mayor Banks was in bed, all but his whiskers in feet. He was making internal noises that would have had everybody in San Francisco hiking for the parks. A young man

6:26was standing by the bed, holding a cup of water. Doc says the mayor. I'm awful sick. I'm about to die. Can't you do nothing for me? Mr. Mayor says I. I'm not a regular pre-ordained disciple of S.Q. Lapillus. I never took a course in medical college, says I. I've just come as a fellow man to see if I could be of assistance. I'm deeply obliged, says he. Doc Wahoo, this is my nephew, Mr. Biddle. He has tried to alleviate my distress, but without success. Oh, oh, Lordy. Oh, oh, he sings out. I nods at Mr. Biddle and sets down by the bed, and feels the mayor's pulse. Let me see your liver, your tongue, I mean, says I. Then I turns up the lids of his eyes and looks close at the pupils of him. How long have you been sick, I asked? I was taken down. Oh, owch, last night, says the mayor. Give me something for it, Doc, won't you? Mr. Fiddle says I raised the window-shade a bit, will you?

7:32Biddle says the young man. Do you feel like you could eat some ham and eggs, Uncle James? Mr. Mayor says I, after laying my ear to his right shoulder blade and listening. You've got a bad attack of super-inflammation of the right clavicle of the harpsichord. Good Lord says he with a groan. Can't you rub something on it or set it or anything? Ah, picks up my hat and starts for the door. You ain't going, Doc, says the mayor with a haul. You ain't going away and leave me to die with this super-fluity of the clavicle of the clavicle, are you? Common humanity, Dr. Wilha, says Mr. Biddle, ought to prevent you deserting a fellow human in distress. Dr. Wahoo, when you get through plowing, says I, and then I walk back to the bed and throws back my long hair. Mr. Mayor says I, there is only one hope for you. Drugs will do you no good, but there is another power higher yet, although drugs are high enough, says I. And what is that, says he?

8:36Scientific demonstrations, says I, the triumph of mind over sasparilla. The belief that there is no pain and sickness except what is produced when we ain't feeling well. Declar yourself in a rears, demonstrate. What is this paraphernalia you speak of, Doc, says the mayor? You ain't a socialist, are you? I am speaking, says I, of the great doctrine of psychic financeeering, of the enlightened school of long-distance, sub-conscientious treatment of fallacies and meningitis, that wonderful indoor sport known as personal magnetism. Can you work it, Doc? asks the mayor. I am one of the soul-sanhedrons and ostensible hooplauses of the interpulp it, says I, the lame talk, and the blind rubber whenever I make a pass at them. I am a medium, a colorature, a hypnotist, and a spirit was control. It was only through me at the recent sayances at Ann Arbor that the late president of the

9:37Vinegar-Bitter's Company could revisit the earth to communicate with his sister Jane. You see me peddling medicine on the street, says I, to the poor. I don't practice personal magnetism on them. I do not drag it in the dust, says I, because they haven't got the dust. Will you treat my case? ask the mayor. Listen, says I. I've had a good deal of trouble with medical societies everywhere I've been. I don't practice medicine, but to save your life I'll give you the psychic treatment if you'll agree as mayor not to push the license question. Of course I will, says he. Now get to work, Doc, for them pains are coming on again. My fee will be $250, cure guaranteed, and two treatments, says I. All right, says the mayor. I'll pay it. I guess my life's worth that much. I sat down by the bed and looked him straight in the eye. Now says I, get your mind off the disease. You ain't sick.

10:40You haven't got a heart or a clavicle or a funny bone or brains or anything. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust fiber cement, party backerboard to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms, party backerboard, what the best build on. Shop now at participating home depot, lows, and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. You haven't got any pain. Declare error. Now you feel that pain that you didn't have leaving, don't you? I do feel some better, doc. Says the mayor. Darn if I don't. Now state a few lies about my not having a swelling on my left side, and I think I could be propped up and have some sausage and buckwheat gigs. I made a few passes with my hands. Now says I, the inflammation's gone.

11:42The right lobe of the perihelion has subsided. You're getting sleepy. You can't hold your eyes open any longer. For the present, the disease is checked. Now you are asleep. The mayor shut his eyes slowly and began to snore. You observe Mr. Tittle, says I, the wonders of modern science. Biddle says he. When will you give Uncle the rest of the treatment, Dr. Poupou? Wahoo says I. I'll come back at eleven tomorrow. When he wakes up give him eight drops of turpentine and three pounds of steak. Good morning. The next morning I was back on time. Well, Mr. Riddle says I, when he opened the bedroom door, and how his uncle this morning. He seems much better, says the young man. The mayor's color and pulse was fine. I gave him another treatment, and he said the last of the pain left him. Now says I, you'd

12:43better stay in bed for a day or two, and you'll be all right. It's a good thing I happen to be in Fisher Hill, Mr. Mayor, says I, for all the remedies in the cornucopia that regular schools of medicine use couldn't have saved you. And now that error has flew and pain proved a perjurer, let's allude to a cheerful or subject, say the fee of $250. No checks, please. I hate to write my name on the back of a check almost as bad as I do on the front. I've got cash here, says the mayor, pulling a pocket book from under his pillow. He counts out $5.50 notes and holds him in his hand. Bring the receipt, he says to Biddle. I sign the receipt, and the mayor handed me the money. I put it in my inside pocket, careful. Now do your duty, officer. Says the mayor, grinning much unlike a sick man. Mr. Biddle lays his hand on my arm. Your under arrest, Dr. Wahoo, Elias Peters, says he, for practicing medicine without authority under the state law.

13:48Who are you, I ask? I'll tell you who he is, said Mr. Mayor, sitting up in bed. He's a detective employed by the state medical society. He's been following you over five counties. He came to me yesterday and we fixed up this scheme to catch you. I guess we won't do any more doctrine around these parts, Mr. Faker. What was it you said I had, Doc? The mayor laughs. Compound? Well, it wasn't softening up the brain, I guess, anyway. A detective, says I. Correct, says Biddle. I'll have to turn you over to the sheriff. Let's see you do it, says I, and I grabs Biddle by the throat and half throws him out the window. But he pulls the gun and sticks it under my chin and I stand still. Then he puts handcuffs on me, and I witness, says he, that they're the same bank builds that you and I marked, Judge Banks. I'll turn them over to the sheriff when we get to his office, and he'll send you a receipt. They'll have to be used as evidence in the case.

14:50All right, Mr. Biddle, says the mayor. And now, Doc Wahoo, he goes on. Why don't you demonstrate? Can't you pull the cork out of your magnetism with your teeth and focus, focus them handcuffs off? Come on, officer, says I, dignified. I may as well make the best of it, and I turns to old banks and rattles my chains. Mr. Mayor, says I, the time will come soon when you'll believe that personal magnetism is a success, and you'll be sure that it succeeded in this case too. And I guess it did. When we got nearly to the gate, I says, we might meet somebody now, Andy. I reckon you better take them off, and hey, well, of course, it was Andy Tucker. That was his scheme, and that's how we got the capital to go into business together. End of chapter two. Chapter 7 of the Gentle Grafter by O. Henry

15:57This Liebervox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Leslie Walden. Chapter 7 amid summer masquerade. Satan, said Jeff Peters, is a hard boss to work for. When other people are having their vacation is when he keeps you the busiest. As old Doc Watts, or St. Paul, or some other diagnostician says, he always finds somebody for idle hands to do. I remember one summer when me and my partner, Andy Tucker, tried to take a layoff from our professional and business duties. But it seems that our work followed us wherever we went. Now with a preacher, it's different. He can throw off his responsibilities and enjoy himself. On the 31st of May, he wraps mosquito netting and tinfoil around the pulpit, grabs his nibbley, abbreviary, and fishing pole, and hikes for Lake Comal, or Atlantic City, according to the size of the loudness with which he

17:03has been called by his congregation. And sir, for three months, he don't have to think about business, except a hunt around in Deuteronomy and Proverbs and Timothy to find texts to cover and excopate such little mid-summer penances as dropping a couple of Louis door on Rouge, or teaching a Presbyterian widow to swim. But I was going to tell you about mine and Andy's summer vacation that wasn't one. We was tired of finance and all the branches of unsanctified ingenuity. Even Andy, whose brain rarely ever stopped working, began to make noises like a tennis cabinet. I, whole, says Andy, I'm tired. I've got that steam up the yacht course air and whole for the ruviera feeling. I want to loaf and indict my soul. As Walt Whittier says, I want to play pinacole with Mary DeVal, or give a newting to the tenants on my Terry Townestates, or do a monologue at a

18:04Shatokwa picnic in Kills or something summary, and outside the line of routine and sandbagging. Patience says I, you'll have to climb higher in the profession before you can taste the laurels that crown the footprints of the great captains of industry. Now what I'd like Andy says I, would be a summer or so journey in a mountain village far from the scenes of Larson Ead Labor and over-capitalization. I'm tired too, and a month or so of sinlessness ought to leave us in good shape to begin to take away the white man's burdens in the fall. Andy fell in with the rest cure at once, so we struck the general passenger agents of all the railroads for summer resort literature, and took a week to study out where we should go. I reckon the first passenger agent in the world was that man Genesis. But there wasn't much competition in his day, and when he said the Lord made the earth in six days, and all very good, he hadn't any idea to what extent

19:05the press agents of summer hotels would plagiarize him later on. When we finished the booklets we perceived easy, that the United States from Pasadum kicked Maine to El Paso, and from Skagway to Key West, was a paradise of glorious mountain peaks, crystal lakes, new laid eggs, golf, girls, garages, cooling breezes, straw rides, open plumbing and tennis, all within two hours ride. So me and Andy dumps the books out the back window, and packs our trunk and takes the six o'clock tortoise flyer for Crow knob, a kind of Dernier resort in the mountains on the line of Tennessee and North Carolina. We was directed to a kind of private hotel called Woodchuck Inn, and there me and Andy bent and almost broke our footsteps over the rocks and stumps. The inn set back from the road and a big grove of trees, and it looked fine with its broad porches and a lot of women

20:06and white dresses rocking in the shade. The rest of Crow knob was a post office and some scenery set at an angle of 45 degrees and a welcome. Well, sir, when we got to the gate, who do you suppose comes down the walk to greet us? Old smoke-em-out smithers, who used to be the best open-air painless dentist and electric liver padfaker in the southwest. Old smoke-em-out is dressed clerical rural, and has the mingled air of a landlord and a claim jumper, which aspect he corroborates by telling us that he is the host and perpetrator of Woodchuck Inn. I introduce Andy, and we talk about a few volatile topics such as we'll go around at meetings of boards of directors and all associates like us three were. Old smoke-em-out leads us to a kind of summer house in the yard near the gate and took up the harp of life and smoked on all the cords with his mighty right.

21:06Jens says he, I'm glad to see you. Maybe you could help me out of a scrape. I'm getting a bit old for street work so at least this dog day is important so the good things would come to me. Two weeks before the season opened I get a letter signed Lieutenant Perry and one from the Duke of Marlboro. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust fiber cement party backer board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking and help block moisture. Chosen over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms party backer board what the best build on. Shop now at participating home depot, lows and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. Each wanting to engage board for part of the summer. Well sir you Jens know what a big thing for an obscure hustleery it would be to have for guests two gentlemen whose names are famous

22:09from long association with icebergs and the co-bugs so I prints a lot of hand builds announcing that wood chuck in would shelter these distinguished borders during the summer except in places where it leaked and I sends them out to towns around as far as moxful and charlotte and fish dam and bowling green. And now look up there on the porch Jens says smoke them out at them disconsolate specimens of their fair sex waiting for the arrival of the Duke and the lieutenant. The house is packed from rafters to sellered with hero worshippers. There is four normal school teachers and two abnormal. There's three high school graduates between thirty seven and forty two. There's two literary old maids and one that can write. There's a couple of society women and a lady from Haar River. Two yellow cussionists are bunking in the corn crib and I've put cots in the hay loft for the cook and the society editris of the Chattanooga opera glass.

23:10You see how names draw Jens. Whale says I. How is it that you seem to be biting your thumbs at good luck? You didn't used to be that way? I ain't through, says smoke them out. Yesterday was the day for the advent of the auspicious personages. I goes down to the depot to welcome them. Two apparently animate substances get off the train, both carrying bags full of croquet mallets and these magic lanterns with push buttons. I compare these integers with the original signatures to the letters and well-gents I reckon the mistake was due to my poor eyesight. Instead of being the lieutenant, the daisy chain and wild verbena explorer was none other than Levi T. P. P. A soda water clurt from ashville and the duke of Marlboro turned out to be Theo Drake of Murphy's Burl, a bookkeeper in a grocery. What did I do? I kicked him both back on the train

24:10and watched him depart for the lowlands, the low. Now you see the fix I'm in Jens, goes on smoke him out smithers. I told the ladies that the notorious visitors had been detained on the road by some unavoidable circumstances that made a noise like an ice jam and an ares, but they would arrive a day or two later. When they find that they've been deceived, says smoke him out. Every yard of cross-bired muslin and natural waves switch in the house will pack up and leave. It's a hard deal, says old smoke him out. Friend says Andy touching the old man on the esophagus. Why this Jeremiah when the polar regions and the portraits of Blenheim are conspiring to hand you prosperity on a hallmarked silver salver. We have arrived. A light breaks out and on smoke him out's face. Can you do it Jens? He asks. Could you do it? Could you play the polar man and the little duke for the nice ladies? Would you do it? I see that Andy is superimposed with his old hankering for the oral and polyglot

25:16system of bunkoing. That man had a vocabulary of about 10,000 words and synonyms, which arrayed themselves into contraband sophistries and parables when they came out. Listen, says Andy, to old smoke him out. Can we do it? You behold before you, Mr. Smithers, two of the finest equipped men on earth for invagling the proletariat, whether by word of mouth, slight of hand or swiftness of foot. Duke's come and go, explore his go and get lost, but me and Jeff Peters, says Andy, go after the commands forever. If you say so, we are the two illustrious guests you were expecting, and you will find, says Andy, that we will give you the true local color of the tidal roles of the Aurora Borealis and the Dukele Port Colis. All smoke him out is delighted. He takes me and Andy up to the end by an arm of peace, telling us on the way that the finest truths of the can and luxuries of the fast-rates should be hours without price as

26:20long as we would stay. On the porch, smoke him out, says, ladies, I have the honor to introduce his gracefulness, the Duke of Marlboro, and the famous inventor of the North Pole, Lieutenant Perry. The skirts are all a flutter and the rocking chair's squeak as me and Andy bows and then goes on in with old smoke him out to register, and then we washed up and turned our cuffs, and the land lord took us to the rooms he had been saving for us and got out a dimmy John of North Carolina, real mountain dew. I expected trouble when Andy began to drink. He has the artistic metampsychosis, which is half drunk when sober and looks down on airships when stimulated. After lingering with the dimmy John, me and Andy goes out on the porch, where the ladies are beginning to earn our keep. We sit in two special rockers, and then the school marms and litter-rotters hunched up their rockers close around us. One lady says to me, how did that last venture of yours turn out, sir?

27:23Now I'd clean forgot to have an understanding with Andy which I was to be, the Duke or the lieutenant. And I couldn't tell from her question whether she was referring to Arctic or matrimonial expeditions, so I gave an answer that would cover both cases. Well, ma'am says I, it was a freeze-out, right smart of a freeze-out, ma'am. And then the floodgates of Andy's pararations was open, and I knew which one of the renowned ostensible guests I was supposed to be. I wasn't either, Andy was both. And still furthermore, it seemed that he was trying to be the mouthpiece of the whole British nobility and of Arctic exploration from Surjon Franklin down. It was the union of Corn Whiskey and the conscientious fictional form that Mr. W. D. Howlett's admire so much. Ladies says Andy, smiling some eye circularly? I am truly glad to visit America.

28:24I do not consider the Magna Carta, says he, or gas balloons or snowshoes in any way a detriment to the beauty and charm of your American women, skyscrapers, or the architecture of your icebergs. The next time, says Andy, that I go after the North Pole, all the Vanderbilt's in Greenland won't be able to turn me out in the cold. I mean make it hot for me. Tell us about one of your trips, Lieutenant, says one of the normals. Sure, says Andy, getting the decision over a hiccup. It was in the spring of last year that I sailed the castle of Blenheim up to latitude 87 degrees Fahrenheit and beat the record. Ladies, says Andy, it was a sad sight to see a duke allied by a civil and liturgical channel mortgage to one of your first families lost in a region of semi-annual days. And then he goes on. At four bells we cited Westminster Abbey, but there was not a drop

29:30to eat. At noon we threw out five sandbags and the ship rose fifteen knots higher. At midnight, continued as Andy, the restaurants closed, sitting on a cake of ice we ate seven hot dogs. All around us was snow and ice. Six times a night the boason rose up and tore leaf off the calendar so we could keep time with the barometer. At twelve, says Andy, with a lot of anguish on his face. Three huge polar bears sprang down the hatch way into the cabin and then... What then, Lieutenant, says the school-marm excitedly? Andy gives a loud sob. The duchess shook me, he cries out, and slides out of the chair and weeps on the porch. Well, of course, that fixed the scheme. The women-borders all left the next morning. The landlord wouldn't speak to us for two days. But when he found out we had money to pay our way,

30:32he loosened up. So Andy and me had a quiet restful summer after all, coming away from Crow knob with eleven hundred dollars that we enticed out of old smoke-em-out, playing seven up. End of chapter seven Chapter eight of the gentle grafter by O'Henry. This Liebervox recording is in the public domain, recording by Leslie Walden. Chapter eight, shearing the wolf. Jeff Peters was always eloquent when the ethics of his profession was under discussion. The only times, said he, that me and Andy Tucker ever had any high atuses in our cordial intents, was when we differed on the moral aspects of grafting. Andy had his standards and I had mine.

31:32I didn't approve of all of Andy's schemes for levying contributions from the public, and he thought I allowed my conscience to interfere too often for the financial good of the firm. We had high arguments sometimes. One word led to another till he said I reminded him of Rockefeller. I don't know how you mean that, Andy, says I, but we have been friends too long for me to take offense at a taunt that you will regret when you cool off. I have yet, says I, to shake hands with the subpoena server. One summer, me and Andy decided to rest up a spell in a fine little town in the mountains of Kentucky called Grassdale. We were supposed to be horse-drovers, and good decent citizens besides, taking his summer vacation. The Grassdale people liked us, and me and Andy declared a cessation of hostilities, never so much as floating the fly leaf of a rubber concessioned prospectus, or flashing a Brazilian diamond while we was there. One day, the leading hardware merchant of

32:38Grassdale drops around to the hotel where me and Andy stopped and smokes with us, sociable, on the side porch. We knew him pretty well from pitching coits in the afternoons in the courthouse yard. He was a loud red man breathing hard, but fat and respectable beyond all reason. After we talk on all the notorious themes of the day, this mercusen, for such was his entitlements, takes a letter out of his coat pocket in a careful, careless way, and hands it to us to read. Now what do you think of that, says he, laughing? A letter like that to me. Me and Andy see the glance what it is, but we pretend to read it through. It was one of them old-time, type-written green goods letters, explaining how for $1,000 you could get $5,000 in bills that an expert couldn't tell from the genuine, and going on to tell how they were made from plates stolen by an employee of the Treasury at Washington. Think of them sending a letter like that to me,

33:44says Mercusen again. There's lots of good-man get him, says Andy. If you don't answer the first letter, they let you drop. If you answer it, they write again, asking you to come on with your money and do business. But think of them writing to me, says Mercusen. A few days later, he drops around again. Boys, says he, I know you're all right, or I wouldn't confide in you. I wrote to them rascals again just for fun. They answered and told me to come on to Chicago. They said telegraph to Jay Smith when I would start. When I get there I'm to wait on a certain street corner till a man in a grey suit comes along and drops a newspaper in front of me. Then I am to ask him how the water is, and he knows it's me and I know it's him. Ah, yes, says Andy, gaping? It's the same old game. I've often read about it in the papers. Then he conducts you to the private abattoir in the hotel,

34:48where Mr. Jones is already waiting. They show you brand new real money and sell you all you want at five for one. You see him put in a satchel for you, and you know it's there. Of course, it's brown paper when you come to look at it afterward. Oh, they couldn't switch it on me, says Merkisson. I haven't built up the best paying business in Grasdale without having some woodicisms about me. You say it's real money they show you, Mr. Tucker? I've always I see by the papers that it always is, says Andy. Boys, says Merkisson, I've got it in my mind that them fellows can't fool me. I think I'll put a couple of thousand in my jeans and go up there and put it all over them. If Bill Merkisson gets his eyes once on them bills they show him he'll never take them off of them. They offer five dollars for one and they'll have to stick to the bargain if I tackle them. That's the kind of trader Bill Merkisson is. Yes, I just believe I'll drop up Chicago

35:53away and take a five to one shot on Jay Smith. I guess the water will be fine enough. Me and Andy tries to get this financial misquotation out of Merkisson's head, but we might as well have tried to keep the man who rolls peanuts with a toothpick from betting on Brian's election. No, sir. He was going to perform a public duty, catching these green goods swindlers at their own game. Maybe it would teach him a lesson. After Merkisson left us, me and Andy sat for a while pondering over our silent meditations and heracies of reason. In our idle hours we always improve our higher selves by Ratio'sination and mental thought. Jeff says, Andy, after a long time, quite unselled him, I have seen fit to impune your mullers when you have been chewing the rag with me about your conscientious way of doing business. I may have been wrong, but here is a case where I think we can agree. I think it would be wrong for us to allow Mr. Merkisson to go along to meet

36:56those Chicago green goods men. There is but one way it can end. Don't you think we would both feel better if we were to intervene in some way and prevent the doing of this deed? I got up and shook Andy Tucker's hand hard and long. Andy says, I, I may have had one or two hard thoughts about the heartlessness of your corporation, but I retract them now. You have a kind nucleus at the interior of your exterior after all. It does you credit. I was just thinking the same thing that you have expressed. It would not be honorable or praiseworthy, says I, for us to let Merkisson go on with this project he has taken up. If he is determined to go, let us go with him and prevent this swindle from coming off. Andy agreed with me, and I was glad to see that he was in earnest about breaking up this green goods scheme. I don't call myself a religious man, says I, or a fanatic and moral bigotry,

37:58but I can't stand still and see a man who has built up his business by his own efforts and brains and risk, be robbed by an unscrupulous trickster who is a menace to the public good. Right, Jeff, says Andy, we'll stick right along with Merkisson if he insists on going and block this funny business. I'd hate to see any money dropped in it as bad as you would. Well, we went to see Merkisson. No, boys, says he. I can't consent to let the song of this Chicago siren wafed by me on the summer breeze. I'll fry some fat out of this ignus fratuous or burn a hole in the skillet, but I'd be plum-deverted to death to have you go along with me. Maybe you could help some when it comes to cashing in the ticket to that five to one shot. Yes, I'd really take it as a pastime and regalement if you boys would go along too. Merkisson gives out in grass-dale that he is going for a few days with Mr. Peters and Mr. Tucker

39:00to look over some iron ore property in West Virginia. He wires, Jay Smith, that he will set foot in the spider web on a given date, and the three of us lights out for Chicago. On the way, Merkisson amuses himself with premonitions and advanced pleasant recollections. In a gray suit, says he, on the southwest corner of Wabash Avenue and Lake Street. He drops the paper, and I ask him how the water is. Oh, my, my, my! And then he laughs all over for five minutes. Sometimes Merkisson was serious and tried to talk himself out of his cogitations, whatever they was. Boys, says he, I wouldn't have this get out in grass-dale for ten times a thousand dollars. It would ruin me there. But I know you are all right. I think it is the duty of every citizen, says he, to try to do up these robbers that prey upon the public. I'll show them whether the water is fine. Five dollars

40:04for one. That's what Jay Smith offers, and he'll have to keep his contract if he does business with Bill Merkisson. We got to Chicago about seven pm. Merkisson was to meet the gray man at half past nine. We had dinner at a hotel, and then we went up to Merkisson's room to wait for the time to come. Now boys, says Merkisson, let's get our gumption together and inoculate a plan for defeating the enemy. Suppose while I am exchanging airy bandage with the gray capper, new gents come along by accident, you know, and holler, hey, Merk, and shake hands with symptoms of surprise and familiarity. Then I take the capper aside and tell him you all are Jenkins and Brown of grass-dale. Good men, and may be willing to take a chance while away from home. Bring them along, he'll say, of course, if they care to invest. Now how does that scheme strike you? What do you say, Jeff? Ask Sandy, looking at me.

41:09Why, I tell you what I say, says I. I say, let's settle this thing right here now. I don't see any use of wasting any more time. I took a nickel-plated 38 out of my pocket, and clicked the cylinder around a few times. You undevout, insidious hog, says I, to Merkisson. Get out that 2000 and lay it on the table. Obey with velocity, says I, for otherwise all turnratives are impending. I am preferably a man of mildness, but now and then I find myself in the middle of extremities. Such man as you, I went on after he laid the money out, is what keeps the jails and courthouses going. You come up here to rob these men of their money. Does it excuse you, I ask, that they were trying to skin you? No, sir, you was going to rob Peter to stand off Paul. You were ten times worse, says I, than that green-goods man. You go to church at home and pretend to be a decent

42:10citizen, but you'll come to Chicago and commit larceny for men, that have built up a sound and profitable business by dealing with such contemptible scoundrels as you have tried to be today. How do you know, says I, that that green-goods man has in the large family dependent upon his extortions? It's you, supposedly respectable citizens, who are always on the lookout to get something for nothing, says I, that support the lotteries and wildcat minds and stock exchangeers and wiretappers of this country. If it wasn't for you, they'd go out of business. The green-goods man you was going to rob, says I, studied maybe for years to learn his trade. Every turn he takes, he risks his money and liberty and maybe his life. You come up here all sanctified and vano-plied with respectability, and a pleasing post office address to swindle him. If he gets the money, you can squeal to the police. If you get it, he hocks the grey suit to buy supper and

43:13says nothing. And over the money, says I, you grass-fed hypocrite. I put the 2000, which was all in twenty-dollar bills, in my inside pocket. Now get out your watch, says I, to Mercasin. No, I don't want it, says I, lay it on the table and you sit in that chair till it ticks off an hour. Then you can go. If you make any noise or leave any sooner, we'll hand-build you all over Grassdale. I guess your high position there is worth more than two thousand dollars to you. Then me and Andy left. On the train, Andy was a long time silent. Then he says, Jeff, do you mind my asking you a question? Two, says I, or forty. Was that the idea you had, says he, when we started out with Mercasin? Why certainly, says I? What else could it have been?

44:15Wasn't it yours, too? In about half an hour, Andy spoke again. I think there are times when Andy don't exactly understand my system of ethics and moral hygiene. Jeff says he, sometime when you have the leisure, I wish you'd draw off a diagram and footnotes of that conscience of yours. I'd like to have it to refer to occasionally. End of chapter 8