FEELING THINGS: Ways You’re Training People To Disrespect You & Why Amy Can Never Drink a White Russian Again

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3:21This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to Feeling Things. I'm Amy and I'm Kat and my feeling the day is excited. That's one of my feelings. It is? Oh. What? They're definitely for two different reasons because does yours have to do with leading a health and wellness talk on a cruise? No. Okay. I'm in charge of a talk on our cruise that we're doing, the Bobby Bone shows on a cruise. And I got an email from a people who are company that are like, do you have like the theme of the topic? And I don't even know really how I got signed up to lead this talk, but it's on my agenda or my itinerary doing a sunrise walk, line dancing, walk on the cruise boat. Don't know yet. Okay. I don't know if we're like walking the deck or like if we've dodged somewhere, then we

4:23do that. Okay. So I decided the title of my talk, more whimsy, less worry, and I like there's whimsy and worry. Yeah. Are you going to have some garlic? Aliteration there. Well, I am doing a pizza class, a pizza making class. So maybe you're participating or you're hosting it. I'm there, go make a pizza with Amy or something like that. I'm not like the cook or the chef, I've never known you to make a pizza. I'm going to be doing a pizza making class. Okay. So perhaps I will be able to undress the garlic, take its coat off, you made it a little more dirty. Yeah. Get a little cozy, comfy, kick your shoes off, stay awhile. So I just thought of that. So it got me excited that now I have a title and then I'll know where to go and like what my theme is going to be, because I think with all the craziness in the world, the whimsy needs to come from all of us.

5:24And if collectively, collectively, I feel like you're just going to just glitch collectively. If we all contribute more whimsy, then there will just be more whimsy and then you were going to say, then everybody, it needs to be arrested from the Epstein files, no, that's probably not going to happen. But I think that the easier it will be to create more whimsy, because there will be so much momentum from everybody's whimsy, that the whimsy is just going to flow because sometimes you're like, I don't know, I just can't tap in my whimsy, it's just too much. But then take some of mine. Like if we just get it going, like let's, and less worry would be like, there's also a lot of worry about things that are very much out of our control. So we say a lot on here, wait to worry, obviously you need to worry when necessary.

6:24But if you could wait to worry, anyway, more whimsy, less worry. I like it. That's my. So you have to come up with that all by yourself. I sure did. I sure did. I meant like they're not giving you like, we want you to do this, they're like, you can do whatever you want. I guess I almost replied, I replied back to the, well, I thought about, I replied back to the email just with that title. But before I gave the title, I was going to reply back with, well, do you have any direction or what would you all like or what are the parameters or can y'all give me? And then I was like, no, it sounds like that they just want me to take control of this. And I personally need more whimsy, less worry in my life. So yeah, why not? It's one of those things we're like, as I'm talking, like I'm going to be talking to myself. Yeah. So the talk that I'm leading isn't me talking at anybody. It's talking with. Yeah. But it's just the best. It's going to cruise and get talked at. Well, I guess if it's you and they're like a fan, I'd be talked at by the people that I look up to.

7:25Maybe. So why are you excited? Well, I just added that in because I have another feeling, but I'm excited because I learned today that paradise season two is back. Oh, yeah. I was worried that was going to be a show that was just a one and done because it was so good. So good. So good. One of my favorite shows, except there was one episode. Don't spoil it. I'm not going to. Okay. Sorry. This is coming from. I'm projecting. I'm projecting. Because I spoil things on the Bobby On Show often. Over the years, I just, it's, I, it's almost like become one of my things, like I'm known for. I'm not proud of it, but so that yeah, I'm projecting on you like, oh, no, I think she's about to spoil. And you're not. No, I won't spoil because the show is so good. If you haven't seen it, I don't want you to know anything about it. But I was just going to say there was one episode that gave me so much anxiety. I couldn't even watch it. I had to listen to it.

8:25It was playing on the TV. Patrick. I'm not kidding. It was playing on the TV. Patrick was watching it. And then I was doing art on my kitchen table. I was listening to it. And every so often, I'd be like, what's, what happened? Because I couldn't watch it. I, that show, I guess it's the acting, I don't know, Sterling Cape Brown is like so amazing. Also James Marzen is so beautiful. I have a God. He was in it. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. He's 50. He might be at this point. 51. That's crazy. He doesn't, he doesn't look. He does not look. 50. Like that. But also talk about underrated hottie. He doesn't get talked about as much as like, you know, Brad Pitt over the years or something, which he's probably fit. I'm talking about other men his age. What else is in their 50s? Is he in exactly? That's my point. Yeah. I can't believe it. I know he's in other stuff. But worry, duty. Oh yeah. I didn't watch that. Okay.

9:26He was in that though. But I mean his career certainly began well before that. So I don't know exactly, but that's my point is is like, is that James Marsen's not, I don't know why. I mean, maybe for some people, he's always been at the top of the list, but what do you call him? I think of like underrated hottie. Maybe for some people, he's always been underrated. Maybe, maybe, maybe he's just me, maybe I'm late to the party, but he is hairy. Yeah. Sounds like hairy. I try to. I do. I think. Okay. Okay. Well, that's, I'm excited because of that because it comes back out on. So every, yeah, every month, this was really hard for me to understand. So just bear with me. Comes out Mondays at 12 a.m., which means it comes out Sunday night, but you'd have to stay up. Right. So it's like the Hulu's love story every week, Thursday at 11 p.m. So really it's out. So it's really midnight, Eastern time, same thing here. Okay. So you could watch it Mondays.

10:27Week to week. They release the first three episodes. This is what I do like when they do this. They give you three episodes to start with. And then they do week to week, but I'm pumped. I am also pumped. And now I'll have two shows that are releasing weekly to look forward to. So I've got love story and paradise. And you're going to watch Love Is Blind Season 10. No. I'm probably not. Although I know that that's a hot topic, like after we talked about love is blind, it was all, that's all my, thankfully my algorithm was giving me some of that so I could take a break from some of the heavier stuff in the world and I was like, oh man, Katz, Katz was on to something with this. So you have a different perspective. So last week we talked about this. You have a different perspective now that you've seen it. Yeah, like every time, yeah, I totally get it now. Like this guy, what in the world? Who does he think he is? Did you see that his ex-girlfriend was like playing a voicemail that he left her? The hope. And he's deeper in the back. He's talking about how he spent like $900 on dinner and, first of all, why and what?

11:34I don't know. Apparently he's in a lot of debt. Well, and he's short, which is, if he was a good person in short, nobody would be saying anything about this. It's just that he was so rude to her, anyway, I haven't written, we'll move on. I have a little game you get to pick. Okay. We're going to talk about both, but it's which one we're going to do first, okay? Do you want four ways you're accidentally training people to disrespect you? Or the five levels of listening, which one do you want first? Is this the game? Yeah. Okay. It's really just pick which one we're going to talk about first. We can do the first one. It's kind of waiting for you to one of them be a game. Wait, so, no, neither one is like a game. Okay. It's just, it's like pick your, pick your topic.

12:35Okay. The first one. Okay. We'll just go in order. That's the one I have first, anyway, so thank you. And I'm curious, you take on it as a therapist, like, how we train people to treat us, you know? Some quotes I love, like, that this makes me think of is like, yeah, you train people how to treat you. And then also, the other one just escaped to me. I'm going to show you. Oh, shoot. No. Come on. Come back. No. It was right there. Okay. The quote that I wanted to remember. It was what other people think about you as on your business? Not that. No. Oh. Now, even more. Okay. Okay. Okay. You train people how to treat you. And then how? My veil, my free time is not your availability. No. I'm just thinking of saying my treat, my treat, treat you treat me how you treat me. I treat myself as though you would like to be treated love your neighbor.

13:36No. Okay. It'll come to me, it'll come to me, but these are ways we're accidentally training people to disrespect us. Okay. Okay. And again, give us your thoughts as a therapist. Okay. Okay. Okay. Because we train people how to treat. Yeah. I was seeing if I said that line again, because that's where I lost it when I said, I'm curious, your thoughts as a therapist, okay, it'll come back to me. The first way is the availability trap. You drop everything for people. You know, like you're the one they call, they need you to drop home. You're teaching them, my time has no value. So you could try this instead. I can help you with this on Thursday after 2 p.m. Yeah. I like that. Like you give something that works for you. I do think that is a training people how to treat you thing. I do think that though, if someone is dropping stuff, well, when necessary, obviously, if it's like someone has a flat tire, sorry, I'm watching love is blind.

14:37Yeah. I can go through the after two. Okay. So obviously within reason, but I do think why some people drop things is they think they're being helpful. And they are. But they don't. Yeah. Also, I think people, there are people that need to be needed. And so that's like they get a high off of that. Like, oh, you need me. I'll be there. But then that ends up backfiring because you become so rundown, you don't take time for yourself. You're always fulfilling others. And then people end up not doing that same thing for you and you can come resentful. Yeah. It's a big old trap. Trap. Yeah. But yeah, fine line. Help people. Yes. So you can have boundaries around it within reason. Okay. The second way is the permission slip. You laugh off their disrespectful comments. So what you're thinking in doing that is like, oh, I just, I don't want to be dramatic. I want to keep things drama free. What you're teaching someone when you do that over and over is that disrespect is acceptable

15:43and even entertaining. Oh, yeah. This one's hard because I feel like a lot of women do that because we've been taught that like, people will just disrespect us and people will talk like that. I think this happens more with women than with men, but also can feel like self preservation because if I say something is there going to be some kind of punishment or consequence for me sticking up for myself, especially in the workplace, they're like, what's the backlash? Yeah. So, but yeah, that's tough. But also what I try to remind myself is because oftentimes I will laugh something up because I don't want to make them uncomfortable, especially if I feel like I'm not sure if they meant to be rude or not, but then I'm like, wait a second. I'm uncomfortable. So why am I swallowing the discomfort? Like there are a lot of be uncomfortable too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And one way to handle that is just, that's not funny and then move on instead of laughing at it. But like you don't have to make it dramatic and this whole thing, I'm like, why do you

16:44think that's funny? Like don't, just like a statement. I'm like, oh, that's not funny. Yeah. And move on. Yeah. You, there were some, there were some lists at some point you read, I honestly don't know what it was for, but I liked one of the statements where it was like, well, that's a weird comment to make. Mm-hmm. Like just being like, yeah. Huh. It really saw it. It really saw it. Yeah. That one will really throw people off to odd thing to say out loud. Like, oh, yeah. Interesting thing to say. I love. Oh, okay. Awkward. Uh, the third way is the approval seeker. So you explain yourself when you do not need to. Yeah. I do that. Yeah. I explain a lot. Over-explain, over-explain. You've helped me a lot with over-explaining. Oh my gosh. If we could, I wish we could show like a case study of your progress. So you've noticed? Well, I just remember back in the day working on some things with you like texts you would

17:45send people or stuff like that. And I'd be like, this is too much information. And now I feel like you've become good at it. I think it's because you have your scripts now sometimes. Oh, I love the scripts. Yeah. But I just remember you used to give so much information. I think you wanting people to understand you, but sometimes people aren't. They're not, they're just going to choose to not understand you. So this doesn't matter. Clear is caring to something I think you've adopted too. Uh-huh. What we think when we do this is I'm being polite and considerate in giving all the details, right? You relate to that. And what you're teaching people when you do that is my decisions need their approval to be valid. When really a simple response could be, that doesn't work for me. Full stop. Would you send a message like that? Yes. I have done it. That doesn't work for me. You know that. Yeah. I told you that exact line. This doesn't work for me. I think it's how I said it. Do you relate to the part that says I'm being polite and considerate or is there a

18:51difference in general why a lot of people do it? But I'm doing it to make sure that they don't think negatively of me or that they understand the full picture so they don't. It doesn't reflect poorly on me because I feel like the more information I give, it will be helpful. I also feel like there might be a part of it that doesn't want to come off as me and you want them to understand that like, that, yeah, they think positive about me. Yeah, I think we're saying the same thing, right? Yes. Or does this not work for you? Well, I think it's both a, them not taking it personally is also going to help them think positively of you. Yes. Exactly. Okay. The fourth way. The enabler. Are you any of these by the way? Are you just so healthy? I do the laugh at disrespectful comments. That's when I struggle with it. I'm actively working on, I definitely don't fall on the availability trap. You're not. Oh, you need something.

19:54Do you even offer Thursday at 2 p.m.? No, I will offer a time, but I don't think I'm anybody. When I think of my friends, I don't think any of them think of me as the person that like, they go to call catchers always available. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah. I'm not a recipe. They'll come to me for like, support or advice or questions, but they're, okay. If something happened, I'm painting myself as a bad friend. If something happened, people know that I'll be there, but I'm not always available. It sounds like you're being in a proof of secret at the moment. You don't need to over explain. We know who you are. I'm just kidding. The enabler. You give second chances to everyone. And what you think is, well, everybody makes mistakes or something that just came to mind for this one a lot is like their childhood or what is that called? Like a excuse, like you, you excuse their trauma, like you feel bad because their behavior

20:55is a result of something that they went through. But it's got a word, like, apologist, I mean, I can't even think of the quote I wanted to say earlier that I thought was so good. So don't ask my brain right now, but you know, like a, never mind. You're a defect. A pulp. Justify. Justify you. Justify you. I feel like there is a exact thing. Maybe it'll come to me. Maybe not. What you're teaching them when you enable that way is actions don't have consequences. And what you could try instead is, I've already addressed this with you moving forward. Yeah. I think I used to do this, especially with men, I would excuse them, but I think that was more because I'd like, I wanted to squeeze the lemon out of a relationship when it was really over. Yeah. That one last drop. Yeah. Can't be left the other day because we were talking about just breakups in general, like in life. And cat was like, I don't, I don't know, like I've never been the one to break up.

22:00Like I've only been broken up with. And do you want to admit? Is this true? Are you going to admit what you say that you do now as a married woman? Yeah. It's funny. Okay. It made me laugh. So I've never, I mean, I've ended something with somebody that was like a fling, but not like a serious. I've never had to break up with somebody that I think somebody like cried over me, you know? Whereas I've been broken up with multiple sides. And I felt that like sadness, whatever. So sometimes, and I would do it. I mean, sometimes I still think about it, but I would do it more when we were dating. I would just picture what it would be like to break up with Patrick just to see his reaction, to see what he would do and how he would feel because I think this comes from like, I want people to like long for me the way that I have longed for other people. And so I'm like, I want something to be heartbroken over losing me. But then guys, I would never do it. Yeah. You just think about breaking up with them to see how sad he'd be. Yes.

23:00And like, would he cry when he like, I try to hang out with his friends, you know, would go to the bar and he would just cry. So do you have to go home? And then his friends would be like, Patrick, come on out. There's girls here. And he'd be like, I don't want to see any other girls. I love cat. And then he'd like call me every night, beg for me to come back. Yeah. You just thought about it a little bit. Just once or twice. Once or twice. See everyone I'd say I would never ever do it after you said that you're like, also, this isn't healthy. I was like, I'm crazy. But I love that you admit that sort of stuff. And it's, I feel like it's a thought that just the kind of daydreams I have, yeah. And I don't know that I've, I mean, I had two serious boyfriends before I got married. And I'm pretty sure they both, I mean, one ended because it needed to end. I think I probably would have stayed with him. I would have been an enabler. He did a lot of like, not great things. But I was like, oh, that's just a mistake that you held up with your ex girlfriend.

24:03I know you feel bad. And I came to your house to pick up my cell phone because I forgot it and I call you all. Just a mistake. You know? Can you stay with them? Well, I'm pretty sure we kind of broke up that night. And then that's when I drank too many white russians. And I cannot, to this day, to this day, I cannot have a sip of a white Russian. Where were you going? Were you ordering a white Russian? Health insurance should make getting care easier, but sometimes it can feel like the opposite. That's why United Health Care is committed to putting care at the heart of health insurance with empathy, transparency, and real human connection. I mean, doesn't care feel different when it's personal, when you can tell that the person on the other end of the phone, the screen, and the service genuinely cares, United Health Care is working to make that happen every day. They're also helping people make health care decisions with confidence, giving them the information that they need to better understand their benefits, costs, and claims.

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29:11And one was 18 and up. That was Carnies and across the street was Tarmigan and it was 21 and up. And I must have been 21. That's the only reason why I know, well, I mean, it's not like I didn't get in sometimes before. I'm 21, but I'm pretty sure at the time that this relationship ended or when this would have happened, I would have been 21 at Tarmigan, having white Russians and I got so sick. Was that your drink of choice? It was that night. I'll have a white Russian. I mean, and I was like crying. It was like not good. I'll take another. I don't recall that ever really being my drink of choice to answer your question. I just know that night. I must have really wanted to turn into someone and they taste like milkshakes, so it gets out of control. Is it like a Bushwacker? I don't know. I would have to. Okay. So a classic white Russian cocktail requires, according to Shannon, three main ingredients, vodka, coffee and liqueur, like Caloua, and cream, heavy cream, half and half, or like

30:16whole milk, served over ice in an old-fashioned glass. Okay. So that is. What's a Bushwacker? Bushwacker, I don't think it's coffee. I think it's like chocolatey, but it might be, I actually don't know. It's in a Bushwacker, but they're frozen. They're actually like milkshakes, but they're like more icy than... Yeah. But okay. Well, this... Go girl. Uh... I enabled his behavior a little bit, so then I'm sure I think we dated a little bit more after that at some point. Is this the egg boyfriend? Egg. We cried off the eggs. Oh no, that was the one after him. Okay. And he definitely broke up with me. There is no confusion on who ended it. The thing about the one before, actually, I think meeting him is what helped me not go back to the other. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like the enabler, I probably would have gone back to multiple times because I always did. And he was the way that he was.

31:17A lady's man, if you will. There was one time... Have I ever told you a story where I was... We were in college, but I was... We were back in Austin. I was home visiting for the weekend. He was from Austin too, but he was in our driveway and just had left. And so we still phones and house phones still coexisted together. This isn't like cell phone time. So he called the landline and said, is... I won't say her name now. I think I used to tell the story and say her name, but that feels weird now that I've matured. But he was like... Let's say it was Katherine. It is Katherine there. And I was like... What? You're... What? This is Amy. Look, you're in my driveway. But Katherine was another one of his ex-girlfriends. And my mom just looked at me and she was like, Amy, you know what he's doing? He's literally leaving here and calling her because he's going to meet up with her. He's going over to her house.

32:18That's what he's doing. And you did break up with him? No. Okay. Because he had some excuse. Oh, well... But like... I could see his tail lights in my driveway. He hadn't even fully left. And from his car was calling what he thought was her landline because it's not like... He probably didn't have those numbers saved. And he probably just went to like the recent... You know what I mean? Yeah. So anyway. Same guy. So the girl that when I left my cell phone at his house in college station, now that we're back in college, that was a different ex-girlfriend. And so who knows? He just was a mess. But then I met the other guy and then that helped me not go back to him. And then I acted like a psycho. And he made me eggs one day and I was like, you know I don't eat that y'all could... I was like a crazy person. Yeah. That's good. You were doing the best you could.

33:20Yeah. At the time. I just ordered eating was so out of control. It was almost like, do you not even know me? Yeah. I can't have the y'all. Yeah. But also that was what? 2002? Yeah. Like what did we... Where was... Were we eating y'all could then? Or was I just not eating y'all? Because you know we've had a lovely relationship with the y'all. I just can't get past the way you say it. You know I was going to say that. You kept saying it. Hey, say it your way. Yoke. Yoke. Yoke. I don't say it in the British accent. Well, that's how... When you say y'all, it kind of sounds gross. Well, that doesn't work for me. That's not funny. We try all the ways. Like, I feel disrespected right now and I'm like, I'm never helping you. No. I've already addressed this with you. Those are all the...

34:20The things. Okay. I think it was just the amount of times you said it. Yoke. And you just said it once. Okay, fine. Yoke. Okay. You can say it however you want. It was just you said it like six times. Okay, here's things I can't say. Yoke. Dwar. Crown. These... Those are three words. I'm never going to say how everyone wants me to say them. No, I say almond. I only say... I only say... Okay, fine. Okay, four words. Poim. Poim. Poim. Those are words I'm going to say... That's okay. It's okay. So I have four words that I struggle with. You're right. Poim. Dwar. Crown. Yoke. And why do I say it? Why do I not say it correctly? You're asking me. Well, I don't know. I don't know, but either. But I think it's okay for you to say them that way. I've got to work on not calling them that. Okay. I don't care if you call it out. Everybody calls it out. I was talking about these color sticks. Crayons. I grew up saying crown, too.

35:21I think a lot of people say crown. So what is it? What's the correct way? It's spelled crayon, but they are crayons. So what am I saying wrong? I don't know. Crayons. Why did we ever start saying crayons? They are crayons. Crayons. You'd kind of say a mixture of crayon and crayon. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon. I don't know why it was crayon hard for people to say as a kid. So we just all started saying crown. Okay. That's it. And then you just get used to it. I say beggle instead of beggle. Yeah, you should not be talking. Beggle. Beggle. A beggle. A beggle. A beggle. Beggle. Do you see grocery? Do you say like Shannon's in here. So I'll say use her as an example. Like she'll say I'm going to the grocery. I say grocery store. Yeah. Some people just say grocery. Yeah. I think that's like a where you grew up. Because also my friend that is from Boston

36:21says she's going food shopping. Food shopping. And so grocery shopping. Okay. Shannon used to say that. Where did you grow up? Okay. So Philly. So I think in the northern parts they say food shopping instead of grocery shopping. Okay. So because I always grew up saying we're going to go to the store or the grocery store and then some people just leave it as, oh, I'm headed to the grocery. And then I'm always fulfilling the blank. Well, it's just that's what it's to then that's the store. Yeah. I'm going to the grocery like I'm going to the mall. Right. Okay. Yeah. Well speaking of words and listening and hearing and talking. Yeah. We can move on to the next category. The second part of the game. The second part of the game. Class, did you know there are five levels of listening? This is going to be a little test. You and I both are like the number one. The number one type of listening. We're the way to talk. Well, can I give a caveat? Yeah.

37:21I feel like in my personal life, I listen differently than my professional life. Oh, yeah, for sure. Because I don't want anybody to listen to this and be like, oh, she's probably terrible at her job. Oh, no. I think that you can definitely prioritize. Yeah. But like what I'm not working on, I'm like, oh, I just want to be myself. Absolutely. And also, yeah, your primary job when you're listening, because the number one thing is waiting to talk. Like when you're a therapist, you are listening most of the time. You can't be like waiting to... Like I'm trying to imagine if I went to a therapist and then they talked the entire time. I feel like... Especially if you had stuff to say. Some clients like it. Sometimes don't have a lot to say. No, no, no, no, no. I would... No. I'm just saying like if you had stuff to say, that would really bother you. It would bother me too. There are some clients that like don't speak much. So... So you help facilitate them to come out. Yeah. You like to prompt. Massage the conversation. I don't like that.

38:22Okay, waiting to talk. You're quiet, but only because you're thinking about what you'll say next. And I'm pitching to do it. Yeah. I do that a lot. Waiting to talk. Waiting to talk. Waiting to talk. It's called... Also called self-focused. Oh, what? That doesn't sound very good. I just... One of the reasons I do that is I get really excited. Mm-hmm. And also we've talked about this. We for... Which clearly you can see how easily you forget things that you want to say. I forget stuff if I don't say it. Sometimes... That means... It wasn't that important. It might not need to be said. Don't worry. In this entire conversation, I've been trying to think of that quote. In the back of my mind. And I'm like, stay focused, stay focused. But think of the quote. What is the quote? Can't think of the quote. Still haven't thought of it. My goal is to think of it by the end of the episode, but also if I don't, it just wasn't that important. Yeah. But it meant to be. Mm-hmm. But it feels so good to think of it. You still probably have a little bit of time.

39:23You can be hearing the words. So this is a distracted listener. You catch parts of the conversation, but you're attention drifts. I don't think I relate to that. Unless... I do sometimes. Unless I'm really preoccupied with something going on. Yeah. I don't know what that would be right now, but... Well, I can give you an example. Like, when I'm at the grocery store, because I've done this to you before, if I'm at the grocery store and I'm on the phone and you're talking, and I'm also actively at the grocery. Yeah. When I'm food shopping. Food shopping. And I'm on the phone with somebody, and they're talking, and I'm looking for something, and I'm trying to... And I have... Yeah. I'm oversimulated. I will be like, oh shoot. Like, I just missed a part, and I need to like admit. Like... Do you admit it, or do you just act like you know? Well, I'll try to... I feel like I know. Try to survive. But sometimes you're just like, yeah. And I'm like, did she? Maybe. Which I feel like I know. Yeah. You'll never know. Maybe it was a yeah, or maybe it was a...

40:23Yeah. I really hope I can pick up on what she's saying. But it wasn't intentional. Yeah. And I care about what you're saying. I know there's been a time, where I have like, had to say like, I'm sorry. I don't remember what you're talking about. I'm sorry. I don't remember what you're talking about. You're actually shopping, and having a serious conversation is really hard. I can't even... I used to try to... Well, let's look at the audio. Books while I grocery shopped, and I would not end up hearing what it was said, because I'm so focused on finding my broccoli. Yeah. So that's tough. Yeah. So easy. Yeah. Yeah. So easy on yourself. Okay. Thank you. There's the understanding the message type of listener. This is the focus. This is who you want to be. This is who you want to be. This is who you want to be. To all you focusers out there, you're tuned in. You hear not just the words, but what they mean. You're listening to understand, not reply. How to be this person, who just listens, no reply. But what if you want to reply?

41:25Like, what if I want you to reply to me? You wait. I imagine that you wait as a listener, and then you say, probably the question we've talked about, even a listener reminds us about it. Do you want me to just listen, or do you want me to give my thoughts? Do you want my feedback? Yeah. Okay. Next up is the listener that recognizes emotions. This is the empathetic person. Feels like they're getting better as we go. You go deeper. You sense their emotional state and recognize how they feel, not just what they say. Yeah. Okay. I just have to say this. I think you do, and I'm talking to myself in this category, we do all of these. It's not like, you always are the waiting to talk. It's just, that's true. And I can feel, you know what? I really feel the most as a sort of unrelated. But like, Stevenson and I were watching like,

42:25funniest home videos the other day. And I, I have a really hard time watching the videos where people fall or hit their groin or like, they slide. Like, I don't, Stevenson's like, dying laughing, and he's like, and I'm uncomfortable. I don't like it. I feel it in my body. Like, my body feels it. It's painful. I do love a slipping video. There's some funny videos of people falling into it. I don't like when people are embarrassed. I, I do not find that funny and I get very uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to embarrass somebody else and if somebody else feels embarrassed, I want to rescue them. But I can watch somebody fall. Unless it's like they broke a bone. Then that's like, a lot of times when it's submitted to the America's funny, some videos, like it's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A tragic event. It's, they're even laughing. Yeah. But my body feels it.

43:26Like I, I don't like it. Yeah. Okay. You're feeling, you've been emotional. No. You're connected. And then finally, someone who hears what's unsaid. So they're fully present. Like, you can pick up up on the, the deeper meaning, like the things that someone might be struggling to express, but what they need you to hear. Hmm. So you know the unsaid. Yeah. I don't know that I have that gift. I, I need more like, so tell me. You know? Yeah. Okay. I'm not a mind reader. Yeah, I don't know that anybody is fully this. Picking up on, yeah, we can pick up on the deeper meaning, but like, yeah, we're not, that's, I can't read people's minds and I listen to people for a living. Mm-hmm. Because when you assume things often, then we're just planting that in their head, and we don't know if that's really actually what they need or not. You know what assuming does. It makes a bad word of you and me. So do you think that falls into the category of bad word?

44:29Yeah. You, I don't know. According to the FCC, Shannon, look that up. I mean, podcasting, you can cuss. Not that we, we're not a podcasting cuss. The FCC. For the federal, the regulate, they regulate what's allowed on airwaves like the radio and TV. Oh, cool. But podcasting doesn't have the same regulations. But that's like, would you want your six-year-old saying that word? No, but I don't, I do think I on radio and TV, we might be able to say, I just don't like that word. The word. Oh, really? Yeah, that's one of the other curse words, no, wily nilly. I just don't really like that one. I know that you don't like, when I say pisses me off, you don't like that. I don't like that word. Okay. Okay. According to the FCC's website, Federal Communications Commission to be exact, they do consider that word. You can say it.

45:30Yes. Yeah. Like we're children. A vulgar, indecent or profane term that is inappropriate for broadcasts between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. Wow. So 10 a.m. Let it rip. Yeah. But what is that saying for real? I'm trying to think of it because I can't, my brain does not, but you know what assumptions, we know what assuming does makes that ass out of me. You and me. You and me. Okay. You and me. That's all. Sorry. I didn't mean to throw you off. No, I get it now. I know the saying, but I also call you that quote. I just almost want to sit here and stare at you until I think of the quote, like, you train people how to treat you. That's where, and then I had another quote that's similar. What if we just sit here until I figured out, um, let's just like, we just sit here. Let's just say some quotes.

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50:45And he asked me, maybe it was girlfriend and then we didn't talk because you know, when you're in fifth grade and you have a boyfriend, then you get scared of them. And then so I had my friend break up with him because I wasn't talking to him obviously. And he was really upset and he sent me an email that night. Well, first he called me and asked me to get on AIM so we could talk. So we could talk on the phone. And I said, no. So then he sent me an email and he said that the only two things he wants out of life are for me to go back out with him again and to go to heaven. So did you? I think I just was so anxious about having a boyfriend because then I wouldn't speak to it. I got nervous when I would see him. But like before we were friends, where is he now? Oh, he's like a professional baseball coach. Shut up. Yeah. And I said that with, I mean, I don't think they're happy. So it's fine. You're dating or you're married. I've been married for a couple of years now.

51:46I don't think as, because we continue to go to school together, I don't think as we both go into the people that we are, we, it wouldn't have worked. No. I mean, there's nothing, I don't, there's nothing wrong with him. I feel like baseball players are a unique breed. Yeah. Fact. Yeah. There's just something they, what is their breed of my day? I don't know. I live you in like five. I mean, not fifth grade. But since he went up to be a professional baseball coach, I assume he played in like, I didn't college, I think. High school college. Yeah. I don't know. They just, I can't speak to the ones now, but in my day growing up, they all had the same aesthetic and vibe, yes, very nervous. And you know, there's a little hint necklace. So I was thinking of there's a titanium, for a while, they were wearing like titanium necklaces. Yeah. They just have a vibe. Yeah. And I, thinking about this now, baseball would be like, if I had a Marion athlete.

52:48Like what, what athlete would you marry? Because baseball, I feel like, would be hard. There's so many games. Yeah. Like I would want the shortest season that makes the most money that has the smallest risk of energy. Uh, injury, injury, or golf, uh, golf, they're gone a lot. Yeah, but they're not going to really get that hurt. But like, if you had to watch them, don't you think like a tennis match would be? Yeah, tennis would be cool. A little more fun. And I think golf, also, I would get really anxious because you never, like, feel like people are more consistent in tennis than, yeah, I don't know, I think I take either, though, I, I'm choosing tennis. I'd rather have tennis because then they could teach me. I'd more interested in also playing tennis with my husband than playing golf. Yeah. When you said that your fifth grade boyfriend was like, there's only two things I want in life. It made me think of something unrelated, but two things, like two, not the quote, not the quote, not the quote, another quote.

53:48Okay. This is from, this is the unknown. I think, okay, I don't know. I don't think there's a person for me to credit, but it's that quote of, there's only two people you should be living for. And it's your eight year old self and your eight year old self. Ooh. And if you can make both those two people happy, then you're doing good. Then most likely your present self will also be. Yeah. So like that's who you should refer to, like when you're thinking through, like what you, what would eight year old me think of this? Or is eight year old me going to think this is the right thing to do? Yeah. Like eight year old me is thinking a lot about alcohol lately. And white Russians? No, just like not drinking alcohol. Eight year old me is, I hope what I'm 80, I'm still having a margarita ever now. And then yeah, that would be great. And all I guess I'm just like, I, I, yes, I just think my algorithm right now is showing me toxic things.

54:50And maybe I need to get off that and just live in La La land and be like, oh, alcohol is totally fine in moderation. Yeah, they say that. But then those that are adamantly against it, they, and they're doctors and they're building a case and they're like, there's no way to spend this. People like to do these studies and tell you, oh, well, this could be good for your heart and a glass of wine a day. And they're like, no, no. But then you hear people that live until they're a hundred and it's like, what's your secret? And they're like bacon and beer. Right. And so in Italy, they drink water. I mean, wine like it's water like in there, that's relatively healthy. They're, they're food and wine, I think is very different than America's drinking wine from Italy when I'm 80. Well, there you go. That's true. I think your lifestyle probably has more to do with it. I don't want to fear monger people until like you're not allowed to. I guess I'm just, I'm not. Okay. I still am drinking a lot.

55:50I'm just going to prove it. Right. I still drink. Yeah. I'm going right now. Just not, just not a white Russian ever, ever, ever again. Isn't that crazy to think like I have not had a white, I don't know exactly what why would you? Well, because it's just like that's a very definitive moment of a time where I remember having something and then never had it again. Well, maybe you got sick off of it and then say you can never. I did. And I don't also just the memories from that night are so bad. Yeah. That would everything about that was so bad. Where did you wake up so bad? I'm telling you it's so bad. Okay. Everything we could talk about it later. It's so bad. Like I'm not ever having. Okay. Oh, I Russian again. But yeah, I don't, you're right. I don't want to fear monger either. I guess it's just when I think of eight years. Like I went to a stretch class for the first time ever. Like like a week ago, like a, like a, a potty stretch or chest. Oh, oh, where they stretch.

56:51Yeah. I've been wanting to do that for an hour. And I ended up getting a little three month membership because I want to stretch on my own. And I know that I'm capable. But this is sort of like my kickstart. Yeah. Like they're going to like kickstart me. And I'm doing that for eight year old me. Eight year old me will probably be like, why are you spending money on that? This is silly. Um, yeah. But eight year old me is like, thank you. Yeah. Um, didn't hurt because I've been wanting to know. Okay, you're probably more flexible than me though. I'm actually not that flexible. I'm pretty, it's pretty bad. My hamstrings are so tight. And I learned too that my Achilles who knew are so tight. They have this video like camera that will take video of you squatting and you're kind of mimicking this cartoon person. And then it looks at like how you're like your range of motion. And she was like, ooh, what's going on with your ankles? Like, I don't know. I've never really thought about it. But my, when she was stretching my calves, my Achilles and my feet,

57:54like I was like, oh my gosh, this is so painful. And she's like, yeah, I think this is what was being picked up on the screen when you were doing the squats. But I just never pay attention to that part of my body. So I didn't know that it was little, needed a little attention. Yeah. I'm a little scared to see what they say about me. Yeah. So I'll say they give you a range of like if you feel one to 10 and they're like, we want you to feel, we don't want you to feel a 10. Like if it's anything passing, yeah, like don't speak up. Cause that's not the goal is to be in pain and power through. It's to be still comfortable, but like making. And then you like push against them and then release. And that'll hopefully allow you to push a little bit further. So you have to be active. Like I kind of thought like sometimes when she kept asking me to push, I'm like, you're supposed to stretch me. This is work. Like I just want to lay here and you do it. But it did feel really good. I enjoyed it so much so that I'm letting you know, like I got all let you know after the three months, how I feel.

58:55I love that you just did three months and you didn't sign it for a whole year. Oh, why would I do that? Well, you sign up for the whole year of Pilates. Well, yeah, that was a really good deal. Yeah. That was a really good deal. Best decision. And so far, the amount of classes that I've done, if you divided by the amount of months, I've been going like saving money. Yeah, yeah, making money over here. That is girl, man. You're making money by going to Pilates making money. Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe you've motivated me to go do something like that or I could show you some of the stretches. I'm not, this is my thing. I'm not going to do them. I have stretches that I should be doing right now that a physical therapist has given me. I'm not going to do them unless I did them when I went to the physical therapist, but I can't know how you said that sometimes you'll lay on the floor and say you're going to stretch with them, you'll just lay on the floor. I won't even get on the floor. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, after all that, I still don't know the quote. Well, you know what? Maybe you'll think of it over the next week and we'll keep everybody on their

59:56toes and then you'll have it to start the next episode out. If I think of it, I'm going to have to call you or text you. So we have it in writing and I know what it is. Text me them. Because right now I've romanticized it that it was like, oh, going to be such a good quote, those me life changing to the episode. People probably stopped listening after she said, no, the quote, I don't want to listen. Oh, I could have been so helpful. I just know it. Multibody, but a quote that we do know that it is very helpful. Before we say it, I do want to give our email in our phone number. Do you know the phone number? 207, 207, 207, 777. No, that's close. 877, 207, 207, 777. Yeah. Okay. That was basically it. Student call and leave us a voicemail. 877, 207, 207, 207, 777, 6, and then you can email us. You can email us as podcasts. Hey there.

1:01:00Hey there at Feeling Things podcast. I created the email. I know. And then Kat also does our newsletters too, which we have one going out next week, next week. Every other week, we don't spam you. Yeah. They're easy to digest. Oh, if I think of the quote, we could throw it in the name of it. Yes, yes, yes. That's great. That's, yes, totally. So many people are going to sign up now. They're going to be like, we know, we know how to put clickbait out there. You're going to want to know the quote that I may or may not come up with. It will change your life. It will change even though we don't know what it is. Life. Let's end on this before I share our ending quote that we say every episode. This also may or may not be life changing for some people, but do you ever sanitize your pillow that you sleep on in any way, shape or form? I wash it. Not your pillowcase, your pillow. Oh, oh, no. Yeah. You're just trying to find the other ways. No, not not. Is it you? No, have you always sanitized?

1:02:00No, I'm telling you something I saw a little tip, a little tipy tip. Okay. And it makes sense. So at the orphanage where my kids lived, anytime you like once a week, they would rotate all the mattresses and put them out in the sun. And they would just lay there all day in the sun and then be time to go to bed. They they didn't have to really make the beds because the kids just slept on pretty much bare mattresses. So it wasn't that big of a deal to move all the mattresses outside. And then they would let the sun sanitize it. So I saw similarly, we should be every so often, maybe every couple of weeks or once a month, whatever's doable for you, like throw your pillows outside in the sun and let the sun sanitize them. I what I wonder what that does sanitize. Because there's all kinds of little like mites. Well, I'm wondering what this like I'm just wanting to know the science of the sun sanitizing, like baking off the mites. Ooh, gross.

1:03:00So you can't put it in the dark. Oh, we have it in the dark. Well, let me look it up. I close my dark. I did too, but it's okay. I know my password is zero, zero, zero, zero. I don't like that. You said there's mites in my pillow. Now I'm going to be grossed out. Well, I'm not trying to gross you out. Okay. Placing pillows in sunlight once a week naturally sterilizes them with UV rays. Research shows that ultraviolet radiation kills dust, mines, bacteria, and mold bonus that get this gives you cleaner sleep and clear skin. Crazy. Okay. That's easy. Oh, Shannon also put maybe some quotes in here that she thinks might be the quote that I was trying to say. Okay. We trained people how to treat us. Okay. We talked about that one. You, you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce. It definitely was not that many words. What you reap is what you sow. No, it wasn't that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Nope. The way you believe about and treat yourself sets the standard for others on how

1:04:01you demand to be treated. Dang. One day you are what you eat. Yeah. Then I'm a thin man right about your ration. I'm not a white Russian anymore because gosh, how many years has that been? I'm an orange. I cannot stop eating oranges right now. You definitely are an orange. Yeah. And I'm a thin man. I don't. Wait, you're what was the hack you had the other day? You put the Yasuo in the thin man. Is that you? Yes. I had. I'm out for I say had. I had some Yasuo mint chocolate chip. Which is my favorite one? What are they? Greek yogurt popsicles or what ice cream pops? So it was a popsicle. So what I did was I opened it up. I didn't eat the whole popsicle. I kind of cut it in half and put it in the freezer for next time. And then from that I made I got thin mints and I made miniature little ice cream sandwiches. Thin mint with mint ice cream in the middle. That was probably I don't even like thin mints.

1:05:03That probably was really good. It was because I love mint ice cream. What does Bethany Frankel say? Devoon. Devoon? No. I'm not the biggest. I'm not I'm not I don't know that I am either. But she does say Devoon. Why don't that mean like divine? Oh, Devoon. Does that like just her fun way of saying it or is that different language? Or is that like her crown? It blame. She thinks she's saying it right. I don't know. Okay. Well, we hope wherever you are, you are having the day. You need to have. Bye, bye. We spend so much of our lives switched on, scrolling, multitasking, reacting. Miravall resorts is an invitation to unplug and be present. For over 30 years, Miravall has been a global leader in mindfulness and well-being, helping people reconnect to what matters, body, mind and spirit through meditation,

1:06:05yoga, time in nature, equine experiences and moments designed for true presence. Miravall offers practical tools you can carry into everyday life. Miravall meets you where you are and supports wellness that actually lasts. Discover more by visiting miravallresorts.com. This podcast is brought to you by Kleenex, lotion tissues. You know how life has those moments that just sneak up on you. The ones that make you feel a lot sometimes all at once. Well, cold season can be one of those moments too. It likes to take an entrance when you least expect it. But when it does being prepared with a little comfort can make a big difference. Kleenex lotion tissues help protect, soothe and moisturize your skin so that you can take care of yourself and those around you. My nose has been randomly running so much the last couple of months. So I've been keeping Kleenex lotion tissues nearby and they have come in clutch. They're made with coconut oil and aloe. They give you that just right mix of moisturizing care and strength that we all

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