Episode 173 - Geoffrey Twatt-Face

0:00Eerwash, the Palette Cleansing Podcast. Welcome to Eerwash, the podcast that washes out your ears. Today we're joined by a new guest. Why don't you introduce yourself, new guest? Hello, my name is Geoffrey Twatface and I am a professional raconter. Okay, and what does that actually mean? It means that I make living from appearing on panel shows, after-dinners speeches, before-dinners speeches, during-dinners speeches, podcasts and so on, where I tell amusing anecdotes. For example, give me a celebrity and I'll have an anecdote about them. Alright, I'm Ed Sheeran. Ah yes, Eddie. I met him once on the great British celebrity shave. His publicist talked him into it on the basis of the headlines alone. Sheeran gets shorn. That sort of thing. And so he had a lovely chat while he was getting his luscious red hair shaved off. Unfortunately, he has a very peculiarly shaved head, which had been hidden by his mop of red hair. And so his publicist sought an injunction so the program could not be shown.

1:02And Ed Sheeran went with a wig for the next few months. Or the hair that was shaving off did go to a good cause. It was given to a young Scottish lad called Lewis Capaldi. Oh, so that's why Lewis Capaldi's hair looks so weird. Yes, it's Ed Sheeran's off-cuts. Oh, I see. So you tell those sort of celebrity anecdotes or interesting stories about your life in one of a forum you happen to be in. Yes, exactly. And what's brought you to this particular forum? We've seen I got a wind of a podcast that I hadn't been on. And it's part of my media strategy to be unavoidable, available in every format, in every screen, in every speaker at any given moment. And so I made a b-line to be here. And I must say I'm quite enjoying it. It's nice and brief and breezy and fresh. You know, I tried to convince Joe Rogan to go into short form. You did? Yes, I told him Joe, no one's got the attention span for a two or three hour podcast. This was just when he was starting out, of course. I told him, keep it short. Keep it snappy. He didn't listen to me and I feel that although he's been a great success, if only he'd listened to me, he would have even been a greater success. You really do have a name drop for every occasion. Thank you Douglas. I certainly do.

2:02Now what should the listeners know about you? Well the twat faces are a family that go back a long way. I'm from the barkshier twat faces, not to be confused with the kentish twat faces. The family line originates with Sir Arthur Twat, who was knighted for services to the crown after acting as a sort of pimped for the Prince Regent. He married Lady Fanny Facing 1801. A form of regency wags did say that he loved her Fanny but not her face. They did have 17 children but he always made her wear a veil. Seventeen kids, even by the staves of the time, that's a lot. Yes, 17 little twat faces and from them eventually comes me, one of a long line of twat faces. Alright, so that's your family, but what about you? Well, as a well-spoken posh white man in the 1970s, I knocked around a bit writing, pifling little books about pifling little subjects, writing amusing little newspaper columns, appearing on radio panel games. It was pointed out to me however, in the 80s, that as a posh sounding young man from a good family, politics was the obvious career and move. I stood for the lower north, upper south, hampton constituency and won it, and after several particularly obsequious performances in the House of Commons, I was made parliamentary secretary

3:06for Perseph large and obfuscation by Margaret Thatcher, and after her downfall I was elevated to the post of junior minister for posterior osculation by John Major. Wow, I did not realise you were so close to the seat of power. I was right up in the seat of power, I could smell which way the wind was blowing. But in 1997 we lost government and I lost my seat, but I reinvented myself into what you've seen before you now. Someone whose entire job is just to be himself on as many different platforms as possible. Television, radio, podcasts, quiz shows, panel shows, breakfast television. If it's as light and fluffy as one of my cardigans I'll be there. And now you're here, in a very lovely cardigan. A cardigan as light and fluffy as this podcast Douglas, although not as brief. Hmm, yeah, some brief cardigan sounds more like something you'd wear in private. Well that does remind me and it does involve another staggering name drop. My great great great great grandfather, I think I've got the right number of greats, Sir Justin Twatface, actually gave Lord Cardigan the idea for the cardigan. What really? Yes you see it was rather chilly at the Crimean War and Sir Justin Twatface would wander

4:06around the camp in a rather nanny bit of knitwear with buttons down the front. And Lord Cardigan said, oh that looks quite smashing, I'll have one of those. Unfortunately for my family, Lord Cardigan had the greater wealth than name recognition and so the garment that we know today was named after him. I do sometimes wonder though Douglas, what a different world would be if instead of wearing a cardigan we were wearing a Twatface. Hmm, that would be a very different world indeed. Well anyway, I think we've covered your introduction about as well as that cardigan's covering you. So let's leave it there for now. Thank you for coming Jeffrey and I'm sure we'll hear from you again soon. Thank you Douglas, I look forward to returning. Hello again listeners, I'm just here to tell you who should like and subscribe to this podcast and recommend to everybody you know. I mean I was saying to Dolly Parton only the other week, have you heard of this new

5:06podcast here? She is rather good, you should listen to it and she said, oh no Jeffrey I don't think I have time for podcasts. And now she's dead, let that be a lesson to you, this is why you should recommend this podcast to save you from the same sad fate as Dolly Parton.