Ep 29. The Loudest Boundaries are Unspoken

0:00Hello, and welcome back to the Clear, not louder podcast. My name is Beatrice, and I'm your whimsically serious host. Yes, I am both. And maybe you're both too, and maybe that's why you're listening to the Clear and not louder podcast. First things first, I have to share something. I recently discovered this is so embarrassing. I think I'm years out of the loop. I recently discovered that for all of you who are listening on Spotify, that there's a place where you have been you and co you and co have been gathering and commenting, sharing your thoughts about the podcast. Here I am weekly, feeling like I'm speaking into the void. Like, please leave a review who under Apple or on Apple or what's the other one called? It's not me forgetting the name. Oh, on, on Audible. And I'm like, where are the girls? Where are the girls like every now and again? Someone will say something in the reviews, and I'm like, are they gone? Especially after changing this podcast used to be the self-love, fixed podcast.

1:03And I'm like, where are the girls? Only to find. Y'all have been gathering in Spotify. So I did not know about this until now. And I have been seeing all these years-long comments, and some recent ones too. I've been responding to some of them, bear with me. I want to jump in there and respond. I know some, I'm late. I'm late to the game. It's the way I was literally responding to comments from three and four months ago. Like, wow. But I appreciate this so much. I love seeing what you're saying. And I encourage you if you're listening on Spotify, wherever this feature is, by the way, I don't know. I simply saw it in the Spotify for creators hub that I recently learned about, by the way, embarrassing. Recently learned about it where I can see the comments, but I don't even know how to access it on Spotify also embarrassing. Like on the actual app. But if you're listening, please do chime in.

2:07And I will be jumping in there weekly. That's going to be my thing. Because what I've been missing out, I feel like Kiki Palmer when she was in the interview and she was like, sorry to that man. I want to know that man. If I saw him on the street or whatever she said, I feel like I feel like that about this alleged Spotify community commenting section. Again, I need to go in this Spotify app front facing and see where this is. Because this is crazy. Sorry, sorry to y'all, sorry to y'all. And Kiki Palmer fashion, sorry to y'all. Just an unserious girl. Okay, that is side. This week I really wanted to speak to boundaries. I've gotten some of you in the DMs talking about boundaries. I saw some in the backlog comments, Spotify comments talking about boundaries. I have two past episodes on boundaries, episode 26 and episode five. So you can check those out. But this week is different. Most of the boundaries. And I think I touched on this on episode 26.

3:07Most of the time when we think about boundaries, we think about vocal boundaries. Something that we say. And oftentimes it feels, it can feel very robotic. If you're trying it out for the first time, it feels like you're reading off some kind of script. It feels a little like you're trying on a coat three size bigger, three sizes bigger than what your size is. It just feels awkward and weird and you're using language you don't typically use or you're trying to figure out the language to use and or you're adopting it from someone else. And maybe your tone, you're trying to regulate your tone because you're like, okay, well, I'm serious about this and I want to tell this person, no, you know, please don't raise your voice at me. I can complete this by Friday, but I cannot take on both assignments. Please ask before borrowing things. These sort of phrases where we are shifting the language we might normally use. We're probably being more succinct. We're using more declaratives than usual. And we're using language that's enforcing.

4:09So if you're not used to that, especially again, if you're someone who's playful, warm, whimsical, it can feel strange. And so we talked about that in episode 26, but I don't want to talk about boundaries that are vocal or what I call instructional. You're telling someone, you're either telling someone what to do or telling someone what you won't do. And that's instructional and this is great. We need that. And there are already millions of conversations around this and tons of books about this, tons of podcasts, episodes. I'm sure. And YouTube videos about this, I want to speak to what I would call unspoken boundaries. And someone left a review a couple months ago. And I don't know if I said this on episode 26. It stuck with me for a long time. So if you're listening, I saw this review and I thought it was so insightful. She called it invisible boundaries. I can't even take, I can't claim it because she put it in the in the review. And I love that. I love that she called it invisible boundaries.

5:10And I'm going to speak to what that means in a second. And I would call them unspoken. I don't want to take her words. I call them unspoken boundaries. And what do I mean by this? It's boundaries that are felt. People feel from the way that you present yourself. It's everything, by the way. It's not one isolated thing. The way you carry yourself, your posture. Literally, even your posture, I'm not even joking. The way you walk. The way you speak. As people speak, like they're unsure, kind of like this, a little like that. From those indicators, people are picking up on all these indicators without realizing it. And the things you say, the things you don't say. And so people are picking up on, how can I, you know, can I play her in short? Can I play her? Can this fly with her? People? Not, I don't think it's intentional. Sometimes. It could be intentional, but people are picking up on, how can I act around this individual?

6:12And the way that you present yourself, and I don't mean in a performative way. Please don't do that. Please don't start performing presents. Please don't start performing agency. You don't want to do that because people pick up on that too because it's quite artificial when people try to manufacture a certain tone or a certain pace when they walk or a certain posture. It is, I mean, I think we all can pick up on that when, when someone is trying to come across as quotations, that girl, we're like a better word. I don't know, that girl or come across as being very confident. We can pick up on these things. I feel like I went on, I went in three different directions on the way to my point, but we're going somewhere. So the, the crux of this conversation around unspoken boundaries is the way that you present has an effect on people such that people can tell themselves how to act around you.

7:17I think we ought to take responsibility for the way we move through the world. We ought to take responsibility and I don't think it's something unless you were taught, I'm telling you right now for a fact. I did not consciously start thinking about the way I move through the world, meaning how do I come across not in a way, not from the angle of I want people to see me or perceive me a certain way, been there, done that very ghetto. Don't want to do that because now you're being ruled by people. Or you're not moving authentically. Now you're just reacting to people. I'm not talking about that. I'm more so talking about how do I want to move through the world? How do I want people to experience me when I speak? And I just started asking myself questions like that, not even that long ago. I want to say maybe around 29. I started really thinking about it. And I remember having a thought to myself that went a little like, I don't want to move

8:22through the world in such a way that people get the idea that they can play with me, that they can play around that I'm like a little toy. Just here for, you know, just press and play. Press and play. You can treat me and talk to me any kind of way. This is different to, I want to say maybe when I was in college. I thought about these kinds of things, but my angle looked a little bit more like, how do I get people to take me seriously? How do I get people to stop or when I was dating? How do I get the men to see me as girl, find my material? Quite literally. That was my thought process. I'd probably 2021. How do I get them to see me as someone they want to, which, oh my god, that makes me kind of want to throw up at my mouth a little bit, but how do I get them to see me as someone they want to date, not someone they want? Again, to play, just play.

9:23Here for vibes, here for fun. You see how different these questions are, and I want you to pause me if you need to, or even now that we know about this Spotify comments, Jowl. Go ahead and tell me your reflections in the comments because I really want to hear them, but I'd be curious, which questions, if at all, do you have you found yourself asking, especially if you feel like the way people are treating you is out of sync with how you wish to be treated? Do you find yourself asking, how do I get people to, you know, X, Y, and Z? How do I get them to see me like X, Y, and Z? Or do you ask yourself, how do I, or not even ask yourself how, but rather making a decision? I think that's what changed around year 29 is I made a decision. I said, I don't want to give people the idea that I'm one to play with, that I'm tickling me Elmo. That he tickling me Elmo, you know what I mean? And notice the difference, the first one is really about control, isn't it?

10:28It's about controlling perception. That is what I was trying to do when I was younger. It's I would observe other people and see how they would get treated. And I would look at them like, well, why do some women get treated like this, but I get treated like that? And so I thought to myself, let me take matters into my own hands, I am going to control the narrative. It doesn't work that way. You really have no control over perception, people's perception of you. And also to be honest over how people treat you, you actually don't. And all those years ago, I thought that you could. I thought that there's some special sauce, something you could do where it would guarantee, I guess, some sort of treatment. I was focused on the wrong things, but notice how my question, actually, it's not even a question anymore. It's switched to, and I even said it earlier, I had a thought that went a little like, I don't want to give people the idea that I'm one to play with.

11:29That sounds I like to think. That sounds like I'm taking responsibility for how I move through the world. It's totally different, isn't it? And so I want you to think to yourself, and think about the different roles you occupy in your life. Maybe you're a mother, maybe you're a manager, maybe you're a VP director. I don't know. Maybe you're a business owner, you have employees. Have you ever thought to yourself, I need to assert myself in this way, or because I have this role, I need to start acting like this, I need to shift my tone. I need to be like this, so they can take me more seriously. So they can treat me like x, y, and z. And how successful was that? Probably not very successful. And I can attest to that too. And this is why I like unspoken boundaries so much, is because you're not announcing how someone should treat you. You're not doing a lot of heavy lifting with your voice. You're using your voice in a more effective, unique way, which is to let it be expressed, like I said earlier, through the way that you carry yourself, the way that you manage

12:33your attention, and how available you make yourself to certain conversations, to certain people. I know the girls everywhere are talking about acts, the girls and the guys, to be honest, the girls and the boys about access. I cringe at the word access. If you like it, you know what, don't let me yuck your yum. I just really hate the word access. I think it's because it's being said everywhere. I usually get the ick when a word travels a lot, except for the word whimsical. That is my one exception, but that's because it's so, that word is actually so meaningful to me. And I, it was meaningful to me before it started traveling. But anyway, I want to say those three points again. So people will learn on their own, they will self instruct themselves on how to handle you, how to approach you, how to treat you, by the way that you carry yourself, how you manage your attention, meaning are you always fully engaged, like your eyes are locked in,

13:37your entire body posture is showing you're fully engaged to anything that anyone says to you, even if you don't care for the conversation, even if someone is talking ad nauseam without coming up for air, you desperately want to escape. But every indication, your body posture, your eye contact, everything is showing that you are fully engaged. So those kinds of things, and then lastly, how available you are to a conversation or to certain people. Most notably, if someone tries to cheer at you, you know, they want to insult you. Are you available? And sometimes we demonstrate, so now we're getting into the examples, girl. So sometimes we demonstrate availability to someone, oh, I'm feeling, I'm feeling a British accent coming. I can't stop it. To someone take in the piss, okay?

14:42And maybe you demonstrate your availability by giggling, giggling to diffuse tension. Or to rescue the awkwardness because yeah, you, it registers, I don't like this. This is uncomfortable. And you don't know what to do with that moment. So maybe giggle by default or doing one of those stuff. Oh my gosh, one of those. Again, also diffusing the tension, but it is actually demonstrating availability. Notice you're not vocally saying. I am okay with you insulting me. Please insult me more. You're not saying that. And this is an interesting use of the voice to giggle to diffuse tension. You're indirectly with your voice. It's a use of a voice indirectly saying, this is okay by me. I'm okay with this. You probably think you're making the moment less awkward or you genuinely didn't know

15:46what to do with it. So you're just doing the best that you can, but it is actually communicating permission. This is why they keep doing it. You'll notice they continue doing it more and more after that. It's like some sort of positive feedback loop, honestly. But here's the thing, if you're anything like me and you're a warm gal, a whimsical gal, playful, your default mode is warmth and being bright in conversation in communication. Like you're not typically a ultra direct ultra blunt gal, which by the way, that's not a bad thing. It just might not be you. It's definitely not me. That's not my temperament. That's not my nature. And so there's this dilemma, isn't there in your mind where you're like, well, I don't want to tell, give the person an instructional, what we were calling instructional boundaries earlier where you might, it would look like you saying naming the thing, first of all, naming the thing and basically being like, I don't like that.

16:47I'm not comfortable with that. Don't ever speak to me like that again. Maybe for you, that's feeling like boundaries on 100,000. Maybe that's feeling like that doesn't, I wouldn't actually do it. It would disregulate me. It would, it would make me feel crazy and I actually won't follow through with it because there's too much friction in my mind. My mind will be thinking about, I don't want to hurt their feelings. Maybe maybe you're that type of person. Or if you're like me, something that is huge to me, and I spoke about this, I think in episode 26 is preserving people's dignity. Even if they are acting like idiots, even if they are actually pissing me off, I have just this thing. It's just a strong value of protecting dignity. I like to think it comes from, you know, and the Bible talks about that all, all human beings are created in the image of God. And for me, I feel that. I feel that heavy. And does that mean anybody can talk to me any kind of way just because you bear the image

17:49of God like you, me, everybody does? No, it doesn't mean that. It just means I'm careful and thoughtful about how I deliver information. That is how I choose to move in the world. That doesn't mean the blunt girl is wrong about her delivery. It's just, it's just not my temperament. And if you read a boundary book, you know, it might tell you something like, when you say blank, it makes me feel blank. And I love that by the way, in certain situations, maybe in a relationship, in a friendship, someone that you have closeness to and intimacy with, it makes sense to have those sort of vulnerable conversations with, right? But when someone is insulting you and poking at you, trying to make fun of you, it isn't really, wisdom would say, it doesn't make sense to sit here and have this ultra-vulnerable conversation with someone who is actually okay with, potentially okay with exploiting you in some manner because they're trying to poke fun at you. It doesn't make sense to say, well, when you say, I don't know, something like, let's

18:54say someone says, she barely eats and they're talking about you. She barely eats anything at lunchtime. Maybe this is at work. Common occurrence, by the way. She can barely eat anything. That's why she's so skinny. When you say that, it really hurts my feelings. I would prefer if you, you see how that just doesn't make sense in the moment. And so what do we want to do? This is where we want to exercise unspoken boundaries because being instructional in these kinds of cases is very futile because if they're willing to, potentially humiliate and embarrass you, why would they be willing to listen to your vulnerable feelings and emotions? It's just not likely to land with them. So what do we do instead? Unspoken boundaries. So here's what I would do in that situation. I'd probably clasp my lips together, kind of like if you're making a confused face and look around. Until my face too while doing it.

19:57I'm not going to be punitive towards them. I'm not going to give it any fuel. I am not going to even use my words, which sometimes the most powerful way you can use your voice is restraint, restraint of the voice. And so I would just let my posture do the talking, you know, with my, my head being tilted, my mouth, my lips clasped, me just looking confused. Like I'm registering what you said. See, because most people when they insult you, they are relying on you, not registering things quickly. And they're relying on you just being in kind of vibing and writing off whatever energy that they're giving really. James 119 says, let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. I love this. I love this so much. And this is quite literally what I apply when it comes to this, this concept of unspoken

21:02boundaries, quick to listen. So again, people writing off of or hoping you're just going to not even notice how insulting whatever it is that they're saying is they're hoping you're not really listening that you're hearing, but not listening. No, but you're about to become somebody who listens. Hallelujah. You're about to become someone who listens and doesn't just hear that is very key when it comes to unspoken boundaries, by the way, start doing the listening, meaning chew on what it is that people are telling you, meaning being okay with taking a beat before responding to something people tell you, meaning being okay with slowing down the tempo of a conversation, you can actually do that. Nobody will die, by the way. I can confirm. Can confirm. No one will die. There will be no casualties. If you take a beat before responding, you can, and if you're uncomfortable and it feels

22:03awkward, you know, use my little technique as well of looking around and tilting your head and thinking. I do that a lot, even not even just if somebody's insulting me, but also in conversation, if I really want to think about for a second what I want to say, I might just look up, tilt my head and genuinely think, I'm going to slow down the moment. I don't want to just be in reactivity. And so yeah, going back to my example of the unspoken boundaries, if somebody were to make an insulting joke towards you, I would do that looking around thing for a beat and then I would just walk away. Yes, I would walk away. That's a powerful use of the voice. It's just walking away. You don't even need to say anything. Now if it's someone that you, let's say you're in a relationship with this person, your friends, like you have an actual relationship with this individual walking away might be a little awkward if you don't say something. So if it is somebody you are in some sort of relationship with or a family member, something

23:07like that, you might want to say, I'm going to take a walk or you might say something like, I've got some emails to catch up on. I'm going to go tend to that. See how the tone you can do so much with tone. Notice the tone is not punitive, but it is a little bit serious. It's different. There is a gap between, I love how we're examining this with extreme precision, but I love precision. I mean, this podcast is called it clear. Not louder, but because they could have just been laughing at you and here you are, you're looking around, you're slowing down the tempo and all of a sudden you're like, you're not punitive, you're not shaming, you're just like, I'm going to take a walk or I've got some emails to catch up on. I'm going to go tend to that. It's just I'm telling you a lot is going to happen, especially because here's the thing, when you remove yourself physically, when you remove yourself physically from someone's presence, they have no other option but to be with their thoughts.

24:10Now this is not you being like, I'm going to teach you a lesson, that's not the purpose of it. The purpose of it is you're like we were talking about earlier, you're sort of regulating what kind of availability you give to certain things. And so when they're left with their thoughts, they, some people will reflect, a lot of people, most people will reflect like, dang, ooh, that didn't land the way that I thought it was going to land, not everybody will, but it gives space. And when people don't get the positive reinforcement that they're hoping for from something, there's not really much of an incentive to do it again. If they're not getting the giggle vibes, if they're not getting the, oh stop it, like, why do you always play? If they're not getting that, there's no incentive. So and now if it makes sense, right, if this is someone you're close to, you might, when you speak to them again, if they don't already bring it up on their own, because most people

25:10will, I guarantee you, most people would say, I messed up with what I said, I messed up with what I said and apologize, most will actually catch themselves, they'll catch it, not everybody will. And if they don't lead with it on their own, that's where you might say, you know, and this is later, this is later after you've separated yourself from the conversation and from the individual for a moment, you just tell them, I didn't, I didn't appreciate that. What you said, I didn't appreciate that. And if they hit you with the, I was just joking, or they might even do it in real time. I was just joking, why you take everything so serious. I would just say with a very, you know, not giving much, I would really just say, well, I don't play about myself. That is all I would get, well, I don't play about myself. I wouldn't do the, oh, well, I know it was a joke. I guess I was, yeah, I know I took it kind of serious, or sometimes I take things serious, why are you playing the game? Don't play the game.

26:11You have a different perspective than they do. And I want you to stick with it. Well, I don't play about myself. Unspoken boundaries, sometimes when you do speak them, that's another indirect boundary, right? Wow, I, I low you need a masterclass for this. And I haven't done one in so long. But anyways, sometimes vocal boundaries can be unspoken boundaries. What do I mean by that? With what I just said, well, I don't play about myself. That is a declarative statement. And you know, it's not, I'm not telling you, stop playing with me. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you about me. I'm telling you about me. And that can also be a form of an unspoken boundary as well. Because it's indirect. The whole point of unspoken boundaries in, in my opinion, this concept, I guess I came up with, at least the words anyway. It is, it's not direct. It's not instructional, but it is wildly impactful and wildly instructive. It's, it's a paradox.

27:12And it's largely effective because it's disruptive. It is disruptive to the scripts. We are used to following socially. We are used to being giggle monsters about everything. We are used to throwing ourselves under the bus, low key humiliating ourselves to, to save other people from embarrassment. We are used to performing. We are, all of us, all of us are used to performing. And so when you break up the script, it does something. People start paying attention by the way. Because most people follow the script. And when you don't, again, they're not getting the reward they're seeking. So most people end up self-adjusting. Not everyone, not everyone. Some people want to try you until they, until they hit the grave. Basically. But most people will self-adjust.

28:14Why? Because we don't like how it feels to not be rewarded for something. We don't like to throw a line, a fish pole line out and, you know, hope to get a fish and get nothing. It defeats the purpose. So people are always throwing out lines in conversations. It's human behavior. That's what we all do. We, when we want to make people laugh, we do that. When we, a lot of it is innocent. And sometimes people want to see what they can get away with with you. They want to see what are your bounds, what are your edges. And I don't think that it's always malicious. I really, I think most of the time people aren't even thinking about what they're doing. It's not, I think it's such a small percentage of people who are malicious with this. Most people I, I should like to believe. Most people are just trying to learn how to navigate you. And what are your edges? What's okay here? What's not in the same way that if you go to a new city, you start observing and figuring

29:15out how to orient yourself, you know, you go to New York City and never been, by the way, you want to go. But I would imagine going to New York City, you, you're really, you're looking around seeing how do other people navigate things? What do we, you know, and you're orienting yourself? So I, I think it's just that what we all do, we all try and orient ourselves around other people. And unspoken boundaries helps people do this. You are helping people. So I've just realized we've spent all of this episode on the third point of unspoken boundaries, which is regulating availability or how available you are for certain conversations or certain people or two certain people. And the other two were how you carry yourself and how you manage attention. We didn't hit these today. But part two, part two, maybe drop into, if you're listening on Spotify, drop into the

30:15comments. Now that I can see them, let me know or you can DM me at clear, not louder over on Instagram. Tell me if you want a part two, if you want me to go into the carrying yourself, how you carry yourself and how you manage your attention. And by the way, the conversation I want to have around carrying yourself is not about you becoming an alien version of yourself and trying on all these different mannerisms that don't actually belong to you. It's not about that. This is more of pulling out and pulling forward things that are already within you. But maybe you've been suppressing or muting or not walking in confidently. So this isn't about you becoming a different person at all. I think it'd be an interesting conversation. So if you do want part two, please drop in the comments if you're on Spotify or DM me at clear, not louder over on Instagram. Otherwise, if you enjoyed this episode, please do drop a review over on Apple or Audible.

31:18Otherwise, I will catch you next week.