Do All Animals Hold Grudges? | Pt 3

0:00Hey, it's Tony from Tony told me. On a Yann La the Insight Fix, a podcast from own, Yann La Vanzan revisits the stories, teachings and insights that made her show fix my life a must-watch for millions. With fresh eyes, she re-examines those lessons with greater clarity and shares new wisdom for the challenges we face today. Personal growth evolves over time and there's always room to find new meaning in old lessons. Listen to Yann La the Insight Fix wherever you get your podcasts. Guessing is for game shows, not your business. Workday is the enterprise AI platform for HR, finance and IT. With AI grounded in your context to get work done and done right. It's a new work day. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down, instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt

1:02someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like and that's exactly what growth therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments, you just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the US, offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity or availability, and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash startnow. That's growtherapy.com slash startnow. Growtherapy.com slash startnow. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

2:06Hi everyone, welcome back to part three. We're asking is revenge ever good for you? And we've got some quite varied misfact and it's complicated today. Including some blind ones where you should say. Yeah, there's some that I've hidden from Alex. I didn't see you. And surprise reaction. Yeah, surprise reaction. Okay, let's start. So only human seek revenge. That's the first one. Is it a myth? It's a myth. There's some really crazy examples of a revenge in different animals. So, kuts and more hens, they will pick up and shake hatchlings from a different nest who's stolen food. Also, elephant seal mothers will bite and kill unrelated pups if they try to steal milk. So, it's like an angry retaliation. And never upset a crow because it can remember

3:09your face and it can tell its friends about what you look like. Hold a grudge and the evidence for the longest one so far is nearly 17 years. Oh my god. Do you want to hear the story of how we know? How did you know that? So, there was an environmental scientist, Professor John Marslough. He conducted an experiment in 2006 where he wore a scary mask and he temporarily trapped seven crows on a university campus. And then he gave each of them a tag so he could identify them and then he set them free. Him and his assistants would then sporadically walk around campus wearing this scary mask. And he was found like, well, he found that he was scolded on campus and like harassed by crows 80% of the time that someone was wearing this mask. And it was over 50 different crows that he encountered, which means that those seven were like telling their offspring, telling their friends somehow, communicating it. And it wasn't until 17 years later that wearing the mask crows like left

4:11them alone. That's insane. But how did they harass him like pecking him and stuff? Yeah, like swooping and like trying to like kind of attack him. So never upset a crow. The saying around elephants, there should be crows. Or don't they say like London will fall if the crows isn't the crows of lead? Crows leave the tarot. I think it's the crows. I think it's was the Ravens. No, I think it's the Ravens isn't that it's not crow. Can you check that? There's Ravens. It's like at the Ravens of the Crow if they leave the tarot London and London force. But why? I don't know, but it does. But politically it does. It protects the trees. What is it? Check it out. The tarot is the bridge going to fall down. Legend. Ravens. The fortress in the British kingdom or fort. There you go. Nothing to do with crows, but there you go. So basically, do you know what rollo actually takes revenge? Doesn't he? Do you know how he takes revenge, apps? Think about what rollo does to take revenge. If I know on me, if I leave them for

5:17he can, if I go away, what does he do? Yeah, he goes silent to give me the silent treatment. Rollo does for like 24, 40 hours. He'll be really like, he's really excited when he sees me and then he like, he like just won't cuddle or talk to me. Yeah, he's like, no, you left. So it's a myth that only human seek revenge. There you go. Okay, this one is for you. Time heals all wounds. Yeah, I mean, it is a complicated one. I think that's fair to say. Because pain, you know, pain does fade and studies show, you know, grief, for example, that the intensity of symptoms and severity reduces over time, which, which of course makes sense because you get greater distance from the event, from the person from the moment. But I don't think it is the same thing as saying heals. We know looking at the human brain that when someone's subjected to a traumatic or a big life event, you know, it leaves its mark on the human brain. It changes, right? You know, the

6:18idea of neuroplasticity works in both directions, right? You know, it means that you leave scars, I guess, from that event, or, you know, we can see the brain and people experience trauma. It lights up differently. And no matter how much therapy and how much thing you do, you can never get it to go back to what it was. It's never going to go back to that brain will never return to the identical state it was in before. You know, it changes. It might improve. It might evolve further, but it'll evolve. It can't go backwards. You know, you'll never go back to what it was. And I think that your experiences like that as well, you know, if you lose someone that you love, you're never going to go back to the feeling of when they were alive before they've gotten you're always going to feel something about that. It's more about are you able over time to live with that feeling and to manage that feeling rather than not caring or being able to get over it? So I think that time time does heal to an extent, but I don't think I think certainly on its own, it won't

7:18deal with it. I think you have to know there's people out there who have suppressed, you know, they've lost a loved one and they've never spoken about them since they died or they suppressed it for 30 years. Have they healed? They're suppressing it, right? You have to do something about it. You have to be active, but I think even with all the work in the world, you still feel feel something. And I guess, you know, this and the idea with forgiveness, time and distance. This is one study show the time and distance from someone is also associated with being more willing to forgive, that makes sense, having space for it all. But time doesn't produce forgiveness. It's exactly as we said, it's about an active process acknowledging it, deciding that you want to forgive and then working through that over time. But yeah, I don't I don't think you could say that time heals all wounds, I don't think that's true. Thinking about memory as well from a couple of episodes ago, and how we're more like clear to remember, like emotionally charged things. And then also our memory is like

8:19easily manipulated. And we don't always remember the thing that actually happened, but the thing that someone told us, I imagine the same thing can happen in terms of like forgiveness and healing wounds. You might be holding on to something and ruminating like on some and making it into worse than it was. Because as the time passes, you probably remember it less clearly, but you're holding on to the pain, so you remember the painful part of it. So it can there can be unhealthy habits with time as well. Like I can definitely like think of times that I've done that and you kind of have to have a word with yourself to be like it's not actually helpful to be continue to think about this. Also, I do think we oddly, the opposite almost to all you say that, I do think we often overestimate the space which we take up in other minds. Like most times you do something. No, it cares. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off

9:23that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what growth therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the US offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends. You can search by what matters. Like insurance, specialty, identity or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash start now. That's growtherapy.com slash start now. Growtherapy.com slash

10:26start now. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. Guessing is for game shows, not your business. Workday is the enterprise AI platform for HR, finance and IT, with AI grounded in your context to get work done and done right. It's a new work day. About most things, most of the time people don't care as much as you do. If you ask them that care is a lot, probably means that if you care and you worry about it, probably means you're empathetic and it means that you probably are caring about it at a higher level and that person probably will not because they're not empathetic because you are spending so much time with it. Many people go about their honesty. It's funny. I often think like how easy would it be to be someone who just went through life and just thought, well, do your best, but you just don't really worry about things at all. Okay, that much. Yeah, I mean, as long as you're kind. Yeah. But if you're kind and you could let things go,

11:28that would be quite nice. I'd like to be able to let things go a bit more easier. Well, now I've learned I have to actively let things go, which I think is actually quite helpful. You have to choose. You have to choose. Okay, come on. Hit me with some of the, you've got some light on. Yeah, so basically, yeah, this has been quite a heavy composition, I think. Speaking of range, there's a lot going on. So I wanted to end on some quick fire, myths and facts about kindness. Yeah. Kindness counteract stress. Definitely. Yeah. Definitely. Kindness definitely counteract stress. Kindness is the antidotes to stress and suffering. When you're kind to other people, you really serotonin, you really stope a mean, you release endorphins, you really you lower cortisol, you lower your blood pressure. It is an incredible thing. Kindness is a cure for much of human suffering. Yeah, but very well put, I've got it dampened stress response. And that was like way more eloquently. New soap for it. No, I think I have a huge advocate for kindness. It's unfortunately largely missing in modern society, but yeah, kindness slows aging.

12:31I'm going to say that's true. Well, it's complicated. It's a little bit of a leap. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. But it does reduce inflammation and blood pressure. So you're improving like it can improve your health, which could slow aging. But in a classic, me answer to a question when we're not going to go either way. This isn't directly slow. Potentially. Yeah. We prefer an attractive person over a kind person. I actually think that's not true. I think the people are happier with someone that's kind, someone's attractive because someone that's kind becomes attractive. Yeah. So there's actually evidence on this. Someone tested this in a study. A new study with nearly 3,000 university students found kindness was their top priority in a partner. But men did prioritize attractiveness. More highly than women did in the study. What's the conclusion there? Abbey O's rise. Is that a shock? Shock. But it is a myth. We do prefer, well, the evidence suggests that we do prefer kindness over a kind of activity. I love the added that in. That was nothing to do.

13:34It was nothing to do with the thing. But it was just slipped in. It was just slipped in there. I love that. Right. To summarize, is there anything anything I actually want to add? No, I think. Well, I guess what I would say is just like it's hard sometimes to, do you know the hardest person to forgive in life? You're self. And I think a lot of the time I think what all people watching this might struggle to forgive others. But I think that many people who are truly suffering or struggling are struggling to forgive themselves. So, you know, yeah, just remember you deserve forgiveness as well. We all get things wrong in life. No one's perfect. Every human is makes mistakes and you've got to forgive yourself. It's so important. You must allow yourself to move on. Life is short. We're on floating on this rock, orbiting the sun. We're around for a blink of an eye. There are billions and trillions of

14:38stars out there, you know, and we'll be here for a moment. We're gone. So just a line of time. It's kind of like that saying and RuPaul saying that's like how I can't remember exactly. If you can't love yourself, how are you going to love anybody else's same thing? If you can't forgive yourself, how are you going to forgive other people? Absolutely. So, we've learned a lot about revenge and forgiveness. Revenge feels compelling because we do feel reward when we're retaliating. But research has consistently shown that you feel worse in the long run and also holding on to resentment can actually damage your mental health and your health as well. And feeling wronged comes from the intent and the betrayal rather than the actual harm itself, which is why it's so much easier to forgive a natural event compared to a person. And forgiveness is not just forgetting. It's not necessarily something you do for the other person either. You have to do it for yourself. It's an active process and it can even be associated with a longer life. There we go. Thank you so much. Guys, there's been a brilliant episode again. I'm loving it. I'm

15:41really enjoying it. It's so much fun. This podcast. I learned so much from creating it. Well, I hope it's helpful to me. And I generally think I said this when I was making the stomped cast. If I walk away from episodes and feel that I've learned something that I feel inspired, that I feel motivated, or I feel seen, then I feel that is a sure sign that people watching and listening feeling the same. So I hope you agree. Please do leave a review, wherever you watch or listen to the podcast, because that helps us please do subscribe, of course. And a reminder as well to people, if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, you can subscribe to the BTS of this show. You can try on a free trial. It basically gives you all three parts in one long episode without adverts and you get it early as well. And it's also a great way to support the show for a couple of pounds a month to help support us with the production that goes along with creating it. Thank you so much. And of course, we'll see you in the next episode. If you're going to leave a question, you're going to do it. I could tell you so many times, guys, that you have to leave a question. You're going to email. Hello at figuringoutpod.com. And also you can

16:44DM us on Instagram at the figuring out podcast. I'll often post a story to let you know what I'm going to be producing an episode on. And then you can send me your questions, which is how we get most of them, which is really nice. And a reminder, if you are a man watching this, you want to build your mental fitness, you want to work on improving your mental health and check out metal, METTLE on any app store. It is an app that helps you build exactly that your mental health. So check it out. Thanks guys. We'll see you in the next episode. Good boy. Hey, it's Tony from Tony told me on a Yann La the inside fix a podcast from own Yann La Van San revisits the stories, teachings and insights that made her show fix my life a must watch for millions. With fresh eyes, she reexamines those lessons with greater clarity and shares new wisdom for the challenges we face today. Personal growth evolves over time and there's always room to find new meaning in old lessons. Listen to Yann La the inside fix wherever you get your podcasts.

17:48Hey y'all Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. You know my favorite compliment during the holidays? Your house feels so cozy. That's when I know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes, grab more dessert and stay a little longer. Wayfair makes it easy with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials all in one place. So whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend, everyone feels right at home. Get holiday guests ready at Wayfair.com or on the Wayfair app today. Wayfair every style every home. Guessing is for game shows, not your business. Workday is the enterprise AI platform for HR, finance and IT. With AI grounded in your context to get work done and done right. It's a new work day.