Caller: “My Husband Blames Me for Getting Pregnant”

0:00How do I move forward when my husband still blames me for our fourth baby? I knew he wouldn't be thrilled, but instead he was actually very angry. He ended up saying that it was all my fault. I could have known myself better. I should have been tracking myself better. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Coming to you, Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your families, your marriages, your kids. Whatever you got going on in your life, pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. Real people with real challenges, click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. I'm so grateful that you're spending your time with us. Let's go to Washington, DC and talk to Anne.

1:00Hey, Anne, what's going on? My question is, how do I move forward when my husband still blames me for our fourth baby? Tell me about that. So, before we got married for like over 10 years and before we got married, we talked about kids. We played the back and forth game between three and six and four and five. We kind of settled on four and every time we were ready to have another kid, we were actually ready for ready for our first, our second, our third. First, you were pretty easy. The third took a good long while. And then when our third was over a year, I guess he said, I think we should wait on the course. We hadn't had an actual conversation about having another one at that time. But I was like, okay, that's fine. There's no conversation about not having any more or anything like that. And then a couple months after that, low in the hold, pregnant with the course.

2:04And I knew he wouldn't be thrilled. I knew that there'd be shock and probably some initial disappointment and all that. He'd kind of have to work through that together. We felt that I was hoping for, but instead he was actually very angry. He initially had the shock, but obviously it wasn't happy shock. And then he started to get sarcastic and kind of mean. And he initially accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. And that made me mad. And I obviously denied that. And then he ended up just turning around and saying that it was all my, this is all my fault. I could have known myself better. I should have been tracking myself better. Okay, so bring me to right now.

3:06Is the baby been born yet? Yes, he's almost here. He is lovely. And I brought it up to him like maybe the beginning of the summer. And I had told him that we've had other issues before this, but that like I, when I want to tell him something that's bothering me or that I feel he said no, like that blame now physically sit there and I can physically feel it and it makes me pull back. What does that mean? You can physically feel it. It sits in my chest. Okay. Like I physically feel that heaviness and it actually makes me go. And then I don't tell him anything. Okay. What are some other things besides finding out about the fourth baby who of course now she's personified, right? She's just amazing person. Yeah. And it's hard. It's easy.

4:07It's easy to see the joy and amazing human being in front of you bouncing on your knee that you're holding at night, whatever. And to begin to reverse engineer things that were said in a really heated moment over a year and a half ago now. Like and through that lens of who would say this about this little you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And I mean when I brought that up, he kind of got me and he's like first off like I love first so much. He is amazing. I mean, he obviously takes care of her so well. He is a great dad. But also the way that he ended up kind of treating me through the pregnancy. He very much hold back and let me alone. Okay. So let's deal with that challenge. Okay. The underneath. So here's what I'm going to say. What he said was wrong, stupid, dumb, whatever. Okay. And this is an uncomfortable land, right?

5:09I have a for I have a lifetime, but especially a professional lifetime of giving people grace in huge emotional moments when they say stupid things. What I want to see and you can't unsay them and they it's not that they go away. But I have said things in big heated emotional situations that I didn't mean. I didn't want to just I mean, just my body. I view it as my body exploded in mature. Yes, wrong, hurtful. Yes. Did I mean it now? Right. And so it's it's not that there's any past whatsoever. What matters to me is who are you after you say that thing? Right? And do you do the work so that never happens again ever? And like I said, like putting in the work for 10 years now, like I have almost none of those. I'm pretty controlled. I'm pretty controlled most of the time. Like wherever happened to be what? You have four kids.

6:10You'll have you see him being a good dad. But underneath that, you'll have this thing called y'all are married. Where's the fracture there? Is it that this thing has been festering for 18 months for for two years and you'll just haven't had it out yet. You haven't cleared the deck because you're because it's still it's still in your spirit and you wanted to say, I want to work through this thing. You weren't here for me. You left me alone. Is it that you realize, oh, that guy can do that now? Is it this realization that you might be married to somebody different than you? Not that who's going to say something stupid, but he'll go nine months and leave me all alone if he gets in enough of a timber tantrum. Like what is the thing? What's underneath it? Where's that fracture? Yeah. Well, because when I brought it up to him at the beginning of the summer, just in like I feel like I can't actually talk to him. You know, when he said he loves her and everything, he did say he seems like I still think it's your fault. Okay. So, I mean, we've had, I think, partially for him, just based on the fact that our three

7:12other kids, we were okay with having them. There's that loss of control. I mean, I don't know so many of our friends have had this happen, but we hadn't. So for him to suddenly feel like I didn't have a stay in this, which I mean, I was more okay with it. Like a baby's a baby to me, you know? Right, right. Right. But I don't want to dismiss his, like you're at your nonchalance. I don't want to dismiss. It's a big deal for him. But what the challenge is that you don't have a structure. You don't have a place. You don't have a safe place that's just y'all's where y'all can say things and even disagree on things. And that's okay. Without it being blame, one loss, I'm over you. You're over me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because there's been, there's this hovering. You did this to us. And it feels like there's been 24 months of trying to reclaim your power position.

8:17And however that's worked, that exchange of, no, this is all you, this is all you, somebody has to say, I'm not against you. How do we heal this thing? You hurt me. Right? Yeah. Otherwise, it will just go like, it will just go back and forth and back and forth forever. Yeah, we've tried to heal other things and it definitely becomes more of a, like he broke it, but then he expects me to fix it. And he doesn't really want to participate in the fixing of it. So let me ask you this. What are you going to do, Ann? Are you going to leave? Are you thinking about leaving? Well, no. Okay. But I don't really, don't be just based on past things.

9:21He doesn't really get involved. It doesn't really want to, I guess, because he doesn't, in trying to actually heal and move on from something. And I don't know, like, how I'm supposed to move on from it if it's just kind of always going to sit there. And then I do wonder the next thing that happens that he doesn't like is that going to turn into my fault, although, of course. So the, I guess I'll, I'll say, I'm going to go back and do that. I guess I'll, I'll say a few things here. The first one is this is an uncomfortable, frustrating, vulnerable position to find yourself when everybody in any sort of relationship work in like boss employee, romantic relationship, kid and parent, any relationship at the end of the day.

10:25When all of the smoke is cleared away, all you can control is you. And so if you're married to a guy who are a few who said something pretty awful 24 months ago, and then all but abandoned you during the pregnancy, whatever that means, and you and I could spend a couple hours digging into what that means. But just, just went radio silent on you for the duration of a fourth pregnancy. Well, also, like, as you said, he's a great dad. So we showed up for the other three kids and he's been good with this new baby who's come, but you felt left on the sidelines. If you, if you're saying yourself, I'm never going to leave him. I'm in this thing. Then the, and I know that he is probably, and I want to hang onto that word, not going to dot, dot, dot, dot, whatever. Ever come back and say, you know what I screwed that up? You know what? It wasn't your fault. It just happened and we were both having unprotected sex and this thing, it happened

11:29and thank God it did because she's amazing, right? If you think that's never going to happen, then every day you wake up, scratching and clawing and fighting for that thing to happen is a, is a strange choice for you to be miserable in your own skin. Because you can't make it happen and you even said, I don't think it's ever going to happen. So the question becomes, what must be true for you to show up and become the person you want to be? Joyful, full of laughter, full of whatever. Yeah, that's hard. It's very hard because that's all you can control. Now what I, what I, what I do want to challenge you on is, and not just you challenge him, challenge all Mary couples, is almost always these conversations start with a goal in mind. I want to feel better about a thing you did to me or I want you to do something different.

12:30And anytime conversations are approached with those two mindsets from the outset, it can only be a one or loss situation. The real solution, I'm, the solution to bad word, the real healing here is you looking at him saying, I want to be married to you and I'm going to stay married to you unless you leave me. And since I'm doing that, I want us to build the greatest marriage in the world. What do we want that to look like? And part of that conversation will be practical. Part of that conversation will be existential. I want this place to feel a certain way. And some of that will be, I want to be able to have something happen and you not blame me for it. You know what I'm saying? That is a us doing a thing together, not a me versus you. Does that make sense?

13:32Yeah, that's, yeah, it does. And there's real, real vulnerability there because he might look at you and say, no, I like things the way they are. I don't want to have one another one of your long conversations. And then he goes to the next room and turns TV on. That could happen. But my guess is when we had conversations like that, it doesn't, you know, it ends up being like me talking. And then nothing changes. But I guess it's him. The rhythm is, I kind of like my life. I've got a weather and storms every once in a while, all weather them and then we'll go back to the way things are. And if the storms get bigger, they get louder, it doesn't matter. I got to weather these storms. And then both of you over time settle for what I think is the worst sentence, not the worst, but one of the worst sentences in the English language, which is, this is just the way things

14:33are. I've got to go back. Yeah, it starts to feel that way. Yeah. And I've got a great, a great buddy, Justin McGrabber, he's a brilliant thinker and writer. And he says like, no, that's almost never the case. It's the way things are the way all decide they're going to be. Which should be hopefully is the most empowering thing I could tell anybody, but here I'm talking to you. And so you've already decided, he would want to build something new with me. Being curious about, like, what is it about us? What is it about me that makes it, what about you that makes it so hard for you to accept that sometimes things just happen and we're going to roll with it? What is it, what's so hard about looking at your wife and saying, I'm sorry, I was wrong?

15:35See the difference? There's a curiosity to that that's different than you never say. You never, like, one of those is judgment, one of those is curiosity. Yeah. You can get off this phone, feel like super defeated. Like, oh, he's not going to change, right? Or you could get off saying, a, I can only be responsible for me. So what must be true? Friends, coffee dates, exercise, I'm going to run a marathon, I'm going to run a novel, like whatever, I'm going to start a garden in the backyard, like whatever you be honest with you about what must be true for you to show up as the person you want to be. I want to be a person of joy. So when you start, I'm just going to back away and walk out of the room. I'm not going to engage in the fight because it's just you're going to weather my storm and then I'm going to feel a little bit better but then worse and then tomorrow will be the exact same. I'm going to break that cycle. Yeah, except that Jack here, I'll go. Exactly. So the only person we can change is you. So when it starts, just stop it.

16:40And take radical ownership. I'm about to start one of my and diatribes. I'm not doing that. I'm going to go for a walk and leave off the, because you don't listen to me anyway, leave that part off. Go right down what you want to say and then tear it out and throw in the track, like get it out of your body. You get what I'm saying? Like, yeah. Yeah. When you start to over time become the person you want to be, which is calm, loving, laughter, filled, fun, adventurous, what? I don't know what words that you want to describe you, right? I'm giving you all the words I like for me, but my wife's words would be totally different. But everyone's got their own things. But how do you want to enter the world and have you and your husband backed up and said, hey, we have a family of six now. The marriage we had does not exist. It is over. And we get to do whatever we want next. Because I promise you, he's not super happy either, is he? Maybe he is. No.

17:40Okay. No, I finally got him to admit that. Okay. So, instead of saying, like, why can't you and what, have you all had that conversation? Like, what do you want? What do you want the house to feel like? How do we get there? How can I love you? I mean, I've tried, I've tried often on through the years. We'll kind of talk about things that we can eat through the things. They're like, what I'm looking for, what you're looking for, what we can do to actually follow through on that chain. And it just doesn't change. Like, he doesn't actually do it. He doesn't do what he says he's going to do. So then we end up just literally stuck where we've been. Okay. So, what's the scenario, who can you control there? Oh, just me. Yeah. And if you're only doing your part of what you committed to because he said he would do his part, then yeah, always, it always just stopped. One of y'all stops, the other person stops.

18:42Yeah. But if you say, like, no, I made this commitment, I'm going to be a person who keeps my promises to myself. That's really hard to do. It's so hard to do. It's really hard to do. It's so hard to do, especially when it could be so different. When that guy could wake up every day and open his eyes and think all of my day is about how can I make her life a little bit better or a lot better so that we can both have the house that we want. And he crosses his fingers that you open your eyes with the same exact thought, except towards him. But when you get in a standoff of what about me and what about this? When you did this a long time ago and you never do this in the present, it just gets in that big loop, de-loop, de-loop, de-loop, and it never ends. It takes a marriage as made up of two people. It takes one person to change a relationship, one person to change changes the relationship. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back. A woman asks how to help her husband see the reality of his struggling business.

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22:49All right, it's got to Detroit, Michigan and talk to Deer Marie. What's up Marie? Hi, how are you? Awesome, how are you? I'm here. I'm living. There we go. There we go. I'm glad you're on this side of the dirt. It's awesome to talk to you. Yeah. How are you? I was going on. I just asked you that question. What's going on? Yeah. So I, my husband is a through and through entrepreneur and his business is struggling and it is affecting so much of our marriage. And I don't know where to go and what to say or what to do. When you say struggling, tell me about that word. Was that mean? Paint me a picture. So he's been in business for himself for different categories of business for the last,

23:55ten years has been the same company that he's been doing. And in ten years, the last six months, he has not paid himself. Any living wage is just enough to get by. Like I don't count on his income to come home. Everything goes back to the business. It's invasive. It's so invasive. It's just daily life for me and my son and him and our son. Yeah. It's just, it's a struggle. Has it always been a struggle with all of his different businesses or you're just in a rough patch? No, he has kind of struggled with them from the get go. So he's not what I would call a true entrepreneur.

24:56He's somebody who desperately wants to wear that identity. Yes. Right. Yes. Like I've known, I've known law enforcement agents of all different, all different, different agencies who they walk in and they've got nothing. They've got no badge out or nothing. And you know, oh, that guy means business. And I can buy a blue and yellow FBI jacket off Amazon today. Right. Like so, like I'm going to put that on and walk around. That doesn't make me that thing. Right. Right. So how long have you all been together? How have you been married? So we've been friends for, I can't even tell you how long we've been friends for. We've been married for, this is almost 11 years coming up soon. We were dating for about two years, two, three years before we got married. So have you all sat down and had the, not the business fight or the money fight, but the.

25:57I'm losing my husband and I feel like I'm losing my family discussion. Yes. Have that go. Yes. It did not go well. I tell him, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm feeling like this is very, you know, just becoming so invasive that I disconnect. What does invasive mean that he's always on the phone? He's always got his laptop up. He's always stressed. Always on the phone. Always stressed. Always like the only conversation that he has is work. Work business, work people like, like his, you know, his life, I don't even know where his life is anymore. It's just work life. And when you said, hey, I miss my husband. What did he say? He thinks that he's making like these big improvements and there are, there are a few impugement improvements in the past 10 years.

27:01Where maybe he can adjust his schedule a little bit more to, you know, go get our son from school or, you know, do a couple things here and there, but it's. I think the picture that he sees is, is a much bigger picture than what I feel. And I think I think what would help him out and would help you out tremendously would get some would be you getting some true clarity on what do you want. If you were to give him a map that said this is the path towards the home I want us to have what would be on that path quit your job. I'm saying this jokingly because I'm a 100% commission in my job like go get a real job like with salary and benefits and vacation. I want you off your phone the moment you walk in the house.

28:01And if your business can't survive you having dinner with your family then it's not much of a business. I want the business to be in service to the life that we're building together not the other way around. And by the way, there's going to be always seasons in every business whether you're a like 1099 employee or a W2 employee or you're just a straight up entrepreneur you if you don't if you don't make a sale you don't eat right. Every business has seasons where it's just wild and it's busy, but it's not life right it's part of it's just winter I put the codes on and then springs coming. But that but what would what if you are clear because I'm my fear for you is what you're looking for is you want to feel a certain way. And that feeling that you're looking for if you try to get it first through feeling it will continue to move the finish line on you. And you'll say you never pick the kids up from school and we like got it I'm going to pick the kids up from school to our son up twice a week.

29:04He'll do it he'll do it he'll figure it out he'll do it and he'll get home. And he might be on the phone the hallway in the line the whole way out the line with the kid in the car like whatever and really you have to then go oh that's not really what I actually want you engaged I want you off your phone I want to be more important than the next deal you think you're going to make. I'm worried about our bills. I want us to bring home X amount of dollars every month. So that I can breathe. But if you're always like I want to just feel like he likes me I want to feel like he's a part of this family that will always be a and it will be a target that you can never nail down because it's always going to move on you. Right. So if I if I was just to like call call you right now what do you want like be specific what would you ride off the top of your head without thinking too much about it. I want to feel important. Okay tell me what does that look like pay me a picture of what he would do to make you feel important.

30:07Just to turn off the phone. Okay there you go. Right. That is that's the biggest thing. Okay. To have a conversation that's not involved with work. Okay what would you like to talk to him about? Anything anything like he is going through therapy finally in the last six months that's been helpful. He's ADHD anxiety depression. All of those things he's got going on and he's realizing that he doesn't have any hobbies. He doesn't have any. He doesn't know what his interests are. It is what I want to know. I want to know who he is. Like to rediscover who he is. Would he invite you to therapy with him if you I mean if you asked would he let you go with him.

31:09His therapist did offer and he said he wasn't ready yet. So I said that was okay. So I would circle back to that and say I'm really proud of you for going. I would love to go with you one day. And if you told him what you told me that's just what you just had softened me up. I want to rediscover this amazing man I married. Because listen he could be a total jerk, a total business first family second. I know those guys I speak to those guys all over the country. Those guys come to my house as their marriages are blowing up and stay at my house. I get it and I talked away, way, way more men who feel completely trapped. They feel like a failure at home. They feel like a failure with their kids. They feel like a failure at their job and their job as a metric which is how many dollars are you making. And it's never enough for them for their employees for their people for their for taxes for like right.

32:11And so they live in a failure factory. And the only I'll say for me the only tool I knew was a gas pedal hit it harder. Get more jobs more deals more things more business more this. And I that's the only thing I knew to do to help my family. And then it becomes a very tight. I think it's a race track that I'm zooming around but it's actually a spiral down at the bottom right. Yeah, I feel like that's where he is. From from my perspective. Do you think he does this man love you? I think so. No, you think he does or do you know this man loves me? He loves me. Does he love your son? No more than anything. Okay.

33:11I heard this. I think it was Alex Hermose the other day said this and it really like was a light bulb moment for me so much other I texted my own wife. And man this is can can get over dramatic and overplayed but man it was really powerful to me. He said. A man's capacity is his wife's belief in him. You believe in him. And if you believe in him as a lover as a husband as a best friend that you're desperate to get to know all over again. Who you know is hurting from a bunch of different angles and his only solution that he thinks he's protecting you by walling you off and keeping you out. And you want to know him. But you don't believe in him in his business acumen those are two different things right a lot of a lot of folks get those mixed up. I got a lot of friends that are the best guys right or die and they are awful at business.

34:11I wouldn't hire them. So that's hard but like if you're honest about here's the places I believe in him and I can look him in the eye and hold his face and say I believe in you. I believe you're a good husband. And I want you to know that like I'm you know what I'm saying I'm just I'm I'm I'm wondering if the path forward here and I can be way off base is from the inside out from his spirit out to the business not all the business problems back inside the middle of his chest where you really want to be. But all that I think starts with you being as honest with him as you were just were with me because what you said to me was really powerful when you put your phone away. I just want to talk to you because we're friends. I want to get to know you and I want you to want to get to know me I'm your wife or God say. Yeah right. And like making no mistake. This is really a scary vulnerable exchange because he might look at you and say I don't want to get to know you.

35:18Right. Yeah. My challenge before you before him before anybody who's in a romantic relationship is. That's the greatest risk a person could take you want to be like Arthur Brooks talks about this you want to be an entrepreneur open your heart up that's the biggest risk. With the biggest return on it possible. But when it coming you can I've sat with business owners and said like here's the numbers you don't have a business you have a hobby and this hobby is killing you. I've sat with talk to God I can't count the number of business owners I've talked to who always have a scheme a deal of this if this if this next thing next thing just hits then we'll all get to. And it's tough to get people out of that mindset especially when they've identified themselves by the by the badge they put on their chest that says entrepreneur this is who I am. I would challenge him if he was to call me and say no no no your your husband.

36:18And your dad. In the job you have taken on that supports those two main roles is when we're in business for yourself how's that working out for you. That's really hard to hear from a wife who's heartbroken and sad. Path forward for for you right now is be very clear about what you want specific tactical things you'd want him to do and be very clear about being open to how can I love you well. What are some specific things I could do for you. And with those things in mind then what must be true about work and then what must be true about our finances who do we want to be. And I think it's great that he's going to counseling I think it would be even greater if you continue to say hey I'm really interested in getting to know you because I love you I want to get to re know you you're different man in the guy married a decade ago I want to get to know this guy.

37:18And I would love to come to your counseling session if you would have me. And I hate this for both of y'all because I can hear him struggling I can hear you struggling. Just ask don't give up on him and don't give up on you. Thanks for the call. We come back a man asks how he can forgive his wife after her affair so they can co-parent well after the divorce will be right back. Here's something I've learned over the years sitting with young men who are struggling with trauma addiction mental health challenges or other destructive behaviors. One 50 minute session a week might not be enough to turn things around and to help facilitate major change. This is where capstone wellness can help to make real progress and practice actually living differently sometimes young men need a totally new environment. Capstone Treatment Center is a long term residential program for struggling young men ages 14 to 28.

38:21It's a structured environment with trained license clinicians and healing at capstone isn't something that just happens in a room. It's woven into every part of every day. And it's not what you would call a traditional sit-around and talk program. It's action oriented. They let young men practice the weight of responsibility and care. One way they do this and I love this every young man is paired with the Labrador retriever puppy being responsible for something that needs you and loves you unconditionally every day is healing as a daily practice. And when the young man graduates the dog goes home with him and his family. Listen, I trust capstone. If my own son needed this level of care capstone would be my first call. Learn more at capstonewellness.com slash dr. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Brady. Hey, Brady, what's up, man? How's it going? Doing all right, man. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. Excellent. What's going on?

39:21So you talked to my wife Emily a couple weeks ago about an affair that she had and how I wanted to force and stuff. But the divorce proceedings and everything, you know, they take time. Okay, so hey, slow down, slow down, slow down. So I've talked to your wife before. Yes, okay. Two or three weeks ago. Okay, when you first said you talked to my wife, I was like my first thought was, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't. No, no, no, no, no, not like that. She called, she called into the show. Yep. Okay. And what was the call about? She had an affair? Oh, yeah. She had an affair and everything. Okay. And what was in that? I was over the road trucking came home and there was a guy here. Wow. Okay. And so what was the consensus of the call? Basically to allow me to get a divorce and some about three months, but I really wasn't listening to her. I mean, I can barely stand to look at her. I'm going to be real. Okay. I it's coming back to me slowly. You were an over the road road trucker. You were gone a lot providing for your family and she hooked up with the neighbors.

40:24That right? No, one of her high school friends. There you go. Okay. Okay. And you wanted, you said I'm out. Yeah. And she wanted to work on it. Is that right? Yep. Okay. So now I'm up to speed. How can I help you, brother? All right. You ready for this one? Bring it. How do you forgive your spouse when you have kids together? I mean, on all honesty, like she took the kids down to, she took my estate. She's down there as I want to somewhere. I might as well wear. But it's just hard because now it's like we don't have the court orders or anything with custody time. And I mean, I'm not really I'm getting denied access. So my question is, how do I forgive her? So I can be cordial with her. So I can have that relationship with my kids. Because first and foremost, I'm always a dad. Yeah. Several, several big issue, big ticket issues here. Big ticket issue number one, if she has taken your kids from you, then that could be kidnapping.

41:30I not seeing that's where so both actors, you can't just take kids out of the state. She's a state home mom. Okay. And she had nowhere to go here. So I know me allowing her to move down to Arizona to be with her parents. Okay. Was the best place for my kids other than with me and the way that we were communicating after the affair was not healthy for anyone. Okay. And so you have signed off on her taking the kids into a more stable situation. You're over the road trucker. So you're gone a lot and local know. Okay, look, because my first thought would have been, well, she needs to go get a job, three jobs and get a one bedroom apartment for everybody. Right. But you signed off said, okay, you can go halfway across the country to stay with her parents. That's going to be a better situation for them in the short term. Right. And then we're all going to take however long your state takes to navigate the divorce proceedings.

42:30So you filed and you're going through with it? Yep. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's a red line. You're like, oh, yeah. All right. So here's a crazy concept. I want to throw it to you. Okay. Forgiveness is for you. Not for her. Forgiveness. Think of think of what she did as handing you an oil drum of cement. She blew your life up, brother. Oh, yeah. She probably she probably she probably well, I'll just leave it at that. And so, so and so doing she handed you a big oil drum of cement and said, you carry this now. Forgiveness is you setting that down and saying, I'm not carrying you what you did to me anymore. I got to deal with it.

43:30But if every day I open my eyes and all I feel is rage and anger and every time I walk by my kids empty bedrooms, I want to punch holes in the sheet rock. Then what you're you might as well be waking up every morning and looking at a picture of her and saying, you know what? I'm going to let you ruin my day today. Yeah. Forgiveness says, I'm not carrying your stuff anymore. I'm setting it down. And I've got to go do the work to clean up my household to clean up my mental and emotional health to clean up my emotional maturity. Like I got to do go do work a bunch of work because you blew this thing up. But the last thing I'm going to do while I'm re like trying to go through all the rubble that was of my former house is have you stand in the street and tell me I'm doing it wrong. You don't get to speak into the cleanup here. Yeah. It's that old ai saying you wake up every morning and you drink a glass of tall glass of poison hoping that she gets sick.

44:33No, I do want the best work. I know that she drives and the boys drive that makes sense. Yes. And I also know that when you when you say that out loud, that's the right thing to say. It is. And it also makes you feel weak in your chest. Fair. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A masculine response here is holding that tension without going over the edge. Yeah. It is. I feel like I wake up and you walk by the rooms and they're empty. Yes. And it's the house that's just quiet. Yes. And it should not be that way. No. It shouldn't. For now. And so the question before you is when you wake up, what are you going to do with that? When you walk by the room. No, I'm saying when you walk by their room, I'm bringing this really practical man, when you walk by the room.

45:34Do you go right to I can't believe and you go back to imagining her with this other guy all that. Do you do that or can you just put your forehead on their door frame and whisper a quick prayer for them hope you have a great day today. I'm going to try that. You know, I walk by the room and it just flashes everything back. Yeah. Words that are inappropriate. Of course. Of course. And that you just taking shot like a shot after shot after shot of poison. Because the other greatest gift your kids could have is a regulated dad. Who picks up the shovel and starts cleaning up the mess that mom made. And then when it comes to court, I'm going to fight like buddy hell for my children. Absolutely, bud. You know what I mean? But they're they're trying to think of a non-dorky way to say it.

46:34There's something that feels amasculating about just being freaking sad for a bit. Oh yeah, I was on Father's Day when I found out. And you should be sad on any given Tuesday when you walk by and you kind of have forgotten. And you open the door and their house is silent. Let yourself weep, brother. Your kids aren't at your house, man. Your marriage is over. No grief is not amasculating grief is right. And on the other side of that as you travel that harrowing hell that is grief that is the family you had, the picture you had of what this thing was going to look like in five years and 10 years and 20 years. It's gone. It's over. As you travel through that, you begin to say, okay, what's the thing I can do right now? I can go for a jog. Yeah, that was the hard part. Like me deciding to move forward with the divorce.

47:37Yeah, it wasn't like not forgetting what she did. It was I had to grieve the life that we built, the life that we talked about in everything. And that was like the hardest process. I was like, I'm not gonna lie. The first like two weeks. I was back and forth like, yes, mentally like I was like, I woke up and I was like, you know what? We're going to divorce today. And then the next day, like I go to bad. I go to bad. I was mad. I'd go to bed, pissed off, hating the world. One the light and on fire. Yes. And I'd wake up and it'd be like, all right, maybe we can make this work. That's right. And it was just that's grief. It was just it's not going to work. It's grief. Even after I caught her, she continued. So here's the thing. Grief, you're not in the past tense yet, brother. You got a ways to go. Oh, yeah. And so not rushing it, not trying to flex through it, but also not laying down before it. It's attention. What are three or four things you can say? I'm Brady. I will keep my promises to myself. When I think of my kids, I'm going to write them a quick postcard and just drop it in the mail.

48:44I'm going to go buy 50 postcards off of Amazon or that's too much money. I'm going to go buy a spiral notebook and draw one silly stick figure, put it in the mail mail to him. Every time I think about it. Actually did that at office max the other day, but amazing. Good. So I'm going to give myself a routine. And if you will stick to this thing for 30 days for 60 days, what you'll do over time is you change your default setting to every time you think about your kids, you don't think about the big hole in your chest right now, you smile, your shoulders drop. Because your body's got an action that it takes after it has that thought. It doesn't go back to. I can't believe she did and what did it look like and who's this guy? I'm just, that's forgiveness is I'm going to set that oil drum of concrete down because I'm the one that it's my back that hurts. It's my shoulders that hurt. And of course she's got her own, but she picked hers up, right? Yeah. But forgiveness is I'm not carrying it anymore.

49:45And I'm going to treat you a dignity respect because you not because not because you technically dessert. Well, I think every human deserves it, but because you're the mother of my kids. And I'm going to treat the mother of my children with dignity respect because that's the kind of man I want to show up in the world as. And that doesn't mean you don't get in the car and bang on the steering wheel and turn the music up too loud and get angry like that's life. But it is I will who do I want to be I want to show up in the world as who. The provider and it's the ability freedom. There you go. And that's hard. I don't envy you man. No offense, but I wouldn't try to play. This is brutal. It's round two. It won't that won't be a third. Yeah. And grief will continue for a season.

50:47Oh, yeah. And by the way, I do appreciate you taking my call. If you ever meet somebody and you'll go out, your every alarm will go off. Every alarm you have. And so being honest about I'm a little overzealous with phones. I'm a little overzealous with connection checking in because somebody blew my life up once. Yeah, right. It's just I am this is this is my new world for a season. Yeah. But that's for future you right now, man. We're getting it. I wish I had a different word, but you're in the grind season. It hurts. It's a bummer. You changed your shift so you could be at home just in time for your kids to leave the state. Right? Like the whole thing. Yeah, I changed my shift before I even found out. And the day that I called the teller was basically the day I found out was just like, damn. Well, and so what are you going to do in the evenings with that time off? You're going to sit on the couch and scroll TikTok. Are you going to go doing a softball?

51:48What are you doing? Holy kickboxing. Done. It's much more great. Get a sign up for a local competition. Get out there. Keep having fun. Right? Go out with the guys. Right. Go out with the guys. Y'all go be silly. Go be ridiculous. Go laugh. Go to an arcade. Like I'm just thinking of stupid stuff to do. But like begin to ask yourself, okay, this is my new life. What do I, since I'm the only driver now? Because my wife got out of the car. What do I want this one life I got? What do I want to look like right now? Not forever, never amen, but for right now. In this season, what do I want it to look like? Because I'm driving. I'm going to go to kickboxing. I'm going to go to MMA. I'm going to go to Jiu-Jitsu. And I'm going to burn off that energy. I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to feel good about myself. I'm going to meet brand new people. I'm going to make friends. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be awesome. But man, it's a slow day by day grind. To not give in to rage. To not give in to anger.

52:49And to forgive. Forgiveness is for you. Give yourself that gift, man. Thanks for calling homey. We'll be right back. The advancement of AI has made it easier than ever for scammers to get a hold of your personal information. And with technology like voice matching, scammers can now use what they know about you in ways that are almost impossible to detect. The scammers already have your home address, your kids' names, your past jobs. And listen, AI is helping them get better at using that information against you. That's where delete me comes in. Delete me goes to hundreds of data broker sites that exist just to buy your personal information and sell it for profit without your consent. And they remove your information. And then they keep removing it month after month. They've already removed my information from thousands of sites and they keep monitoring so my personal information isn't floating around out there everywhere for scammers to continue to grab.

53:50Listen, AI is changing the game. Delete me, make sure you're not an easy target. Click the link in the description or go to joindeleteme.com slash tiloni to get 20% off an annual plan. That's J-O-I-N. Joindeleteme.com slash tiloni. All right, we're back, Kelly. Let's talk. How are you? Good. How are you? Awesome. Can I tell you something? I haven't feeling you're going to. Last night, I feel like the new segment at the end of the show is Deloni's concert reviews. Social distortion came to town. Oh, that's why last night was the show. They're my number one of all time ever. And I was like, I don't know what you're going to say. Have you had a great time. That was something that I remember the day as we had a really long day yesterday. It was a lot of each other a lot. We had a brainstorm meeting for the show that was four hours and we went straight into a three and a half hour audio book recording. It was a very long like taxing, mentally taxing day.

54:50It was awesome. At the end of the day we happened to walk by chilling the hall. You just didn't speak. Don't say. I'm not going to hear your voice. concert. So tell me about it. It was they just showed up to Nashville man and they're in their 60s and I tell you what they ripped. It was incredible. It was incredible. And my favorite thing was in a roundabout way. I'm not happy that this happened, but he was the lead singer who's literally the coolest guy. I don't know. Did you, I don't think you said this was social distortion? Yeah, I did. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And they're my number one of all time favorite band ever. But Mike nest is like if you just look up cool anywhere that's that guy. He's just cool. I can't describe. He came out of white pants in like a black shirt with the deep V like you usually have gold chains tattooed is all over. He's 60 something and he just ripped. Now you know where I get my style. I know, I know. I had a white pants yesterday. You're rocking them. I own zero pair of white pants and we should probably keep it that way. Yeah. Um, but he said after the first song, I just

55:51woke up at seven. I've been really sick. But old punk's don't cancel shows at seven o'clock so I'm going to need jealous thing with me Nashville. And it was a choir service last night. So next time you tell me you're sick and canceling a show, I'm using that. Well, you just get to answer the calls. Awesome. But dude, it crushed. How are the descendants? Do what? How were the descendants? Descendants were also incredible. They played 45 minutes and probably played 98 songs because their songs are like 16 seconds and there's a few songs that are long. I will say a couple of times I was joking with the guy. I went with Pete Young and my bunny. He's a local comic carnival. Our son. We all win. It was a blast. Pete is still my we're too old to be in the mosh pit, but we're here, buddy. And Pete keeps getting, I mean, Pete is constantly getting hurt. It seems so he's the best. He's the best. But he's the one guy can come on. You know, get wild. He's like, let's get wild. Um, but oh, I kept my streak. I have a hundred percent streak, by the way. You did your mile today?

56:54I do my I've kept that going. That's great. Oh, God. What streak. My more important streak. 100 percent since I started this job, every mosh pit I've been in in national Tennessee, somebody has been like, are you the guy on that show? And I'm like, yes, I am. And they're like, you're for real. And I guess they're like people, the, the innerettes are so inauthentic that people think this is like a stick like that we got in a room and planned like, hey, have this vibe. And it's like, nope, I'm way too old to be a mosh pit. That's where we are. But it, it, it happened. It made me smile last night. The descendants though, they crushed. They are wild because every time I've seen them in the last few years, I've seen them a few times. They turn all the house lights on. They have no backdrop. They have no cool laser lights or whatever. They just turn the lights on. And it's like watching a high school band in a cafeteria. It's super awkward. But they just get up and rip. And they're the. That's the joy of like a concert is like, you just get to dance and be stupid because you're crashing into people and not it's not dark. And

57:58you're like, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, I was just ramming into each other and you're like, my bad ouch. Oh, that hurt. Like when it's in the dark, it's awesome. But not them, but do that. They they were great. Also, so it's good night all the way around. I am way too old for this man. But I'm going to keep going till the old beauty wise says no more. We're getting close. We're not getting on the door. I'm just going to be one of those old guys in the back that nods a lot, but not yet, not yet. So there you go. There's the loyalty concert review. Yeah, I'm glad you had fun because I know you were really, really, really looking forward to this one. I needed it. I didn't realize I needed it, but I needed it. And I got to stay this. I needed to spend time with my friends. Just spit too much time with me. Yes. Yes. And I love my wife more than life itself. But we've spent a lot of time together recently. And with my kids, like, there was fun just to meet dudes and say, how's your family? We talked about gardening. All three of us like to garden. I mean, stuff that 18 year old me would have fought me over. It's cool just to hang out with dude. Pete has an amazing garden. It's unbelievable. Yeah. And Conor's got it as sounding garden too.

59:02It's just cool to go hang out with me. Oh, dude, I'm the lamest. Yeah. Let me run that one back to 19 year old me. So we're going to go get burgers at an upscale restaurant. And then, we're going to pay $30 for a burger and talk about gardening. Talk about gardening. And then we're going to go kick ass. I'm stupid. We're idiots. But dude, it was awesome. It was awesome. Listen, if you're listening to this, wherever you find yourself, go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the comedy set. Go to the movie. Go hang out with your friends. Go do fun stuff with your life. That's what I got. We talked about this weekly rundown. If you want to, I don't think anybody's listening anymore though. They're not. Let's stay with for the next show. Sounds good. Awesome. Love you guys. Bye.