RelationshipsSep 30, 202640:44failed

Balanced, Not Equal: How Two Wives Share the Mental Load | Julia Markish & Krissa Lagos

The ManFlu | Exploring Gender Dynamics, Partnerships & Raising Boys Who Care

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About this episode

Julia Markish sat at a dinner party while the women around her swapped stories about burnout and the mental load. She has a wife, so she couldn't relate. Still her first thought was a guilty one: Am I the man in this story?

Host Lucy McAfee talks with Julia, an executive coach, and her wife Krissa Lagos, a book editor, in the first couple's interview on The ManFlu. When Lucy asked if Krissa would've had her own complaint at that dinner party, the answer was no. They both have their roles, and balance was one of the seven touchstones they built their wedding ceremony and marriage around. Krissa cooks and Julia cleans. Julia schedules the checkups and Krissa keeps each day on track. When Krissa realized she kept landing in the kitchen prepping food while Julia got the fun part with their son, they talked about it and found a fairer way to divide the morning.

Gratitude in relationships runs through all of it. Julia and Krissa thank each other for small things and have learned to ask when the thanks doesn't come. They also talk about raising boys with room to feel, and how the trans men in their San Francisco community can show their son a different kind of masculinity.

Press play for a model of how same-sex couples divide household labor that any couple can borrow, plus one small shift you can try at home this week.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Welcome And Meeting Julia and Krissa

02:35 The Dinner Party Where Julia Couldn't Relate

05:49 The Breakfast Prep Fix That Restored Fairness

08:40 Building A Marriage Around Seven Touchstones

12:43 Why Being With A Woman Can Feel Easier

18:13 Raising The Flag When You Need Thanks

20:41 Raising Their Son In A Queer Community

28:46 How Their Careers Shape Life At Home

32:41 What Straight Couples Can Borrow From Them

38:01 The One Small Shift: Ask For The Thanks