Author Louise O'Neill On Her Quest For A Bigger Life

0:00The Last Word With life pharmacy Over 100 local pharmacies nationwide that are always here to help life pharmacy live better together Now we're joined by the author Louis O'Neal who haven't written so many excellent novels Young adult, adult crime has written a memoir A bigger life Louis O'Neal is great to have you with us Thank you so much I feel like I'm just like making my way through every genre I'm like what else can I do now Next will be a cookbook There you are You're publisher of Hollywood listening to you and that What do you mean by a bigger life? Oh that's a really good question Well I mean the title of the book is actually derived from something that my dad said to me Where you know I went through this very devastation break up at the start of 2023 Where you know we just bought our house together Six months previously We had a rescue dog together And overnight I saw everything

1:00That I thought was going to happen The future that I had envisioned for myself Just completely vanished And I think there's You know there's no good time to go through a devastation Break up like that But particularly I think as a woman in your late 30s I was about to turn 38 I think it does feel A lot more like catastrophic really And I embarked upon this journey of healing Which I'm sure we'll get to And at the end of that year I told a friend of mine I said you know that I had heard about this new online course I thought I think I might do it It was another south-held thing And she said I Cannot take anymore of the healing And the south-held she's like you have to just Get a grip and you have to go back on the dating apps And I went to my dad And I told him what she had said And I said to him I said I don't want to go back on the dating apps And I think what I meant by that was I was afraid

2:00Because I was afraid that if I got hurt again I wouldn't be able to survive it the second time And my dad who is the wisest man that I've ever met He said to me Lou if you want a bigger life You have to take bigger risks And I think when you talk about the term a bigger life I think that's going to look different for everybody But I suppose the real tenant of the central tenant of the memoir is Figuring out what it is that you actually want Not what So I actually tell you you should want you should want Or what your friends think you should want Or what your parents want for you But what you actually want What your bigger life looks like for you Because I think until you figure that out You have very little chance of actually achieving it Given what you just said about your father And the praise you've given him And it's quite clear that you love your parents very deeply And admire them Are you looking for a man to measure up to your father

3:01Oh my god we're really getting into the therapy Maybe that's why I've been single for so long Because no man can Well you know it's funny because like I think that I had really bought into a lot of the rasteric around Like you know men are trash And there's no good men out there And all the good men are taken But as soon as I was single again Like that felt so depressing Because it just made me think Well if there's no good men left out there Then like what's the point in even trying And my gran uncle He died this year We were very close and he was a Catholic priest And he said to me He said you know Louise Like what you seek You shall find And so what I decided to do was to start seeking good men And what I did was I looked around And I looked at my life And I looked at people like my dad And who is as I said one of the best men I know And my sister's husband And you know my friends They're partners and they're husbands And I was like okay There are good men out there And you too much What you mean by a good man

4:01What you mean by a good man My dad and then at the end I went and mad Cooper What do you mean by a good man? I think I mean the same way That I would say a good woman Like I mean a decent human being And actually I think that I find that I think it's really important To believe in the goodness of people Because I think that once you lose that I think we lose a little bit of our humanity And I do think these days it's really easy To be like The people are evil Or people are out to You know for what they can get Or you know And actually I think that if we can keep coming back to it The most people are good Most people are decent And most people just want to connect And I think that is really what I found In when I was writing the memoir So the individual that you had been sharing your life with And that you had bought a house with And you had the rescue dog with In retrospect you think He wasn't a good man Had you misjudged him Were you beating yourself up

5:02For having perhaps judged him incorrectly Or was it other things that you started blaming yourself In relation to the breakup Doubling yourself What were these sort of What was the thing thinking that was going on I think the thing is that relationships are really complicated And I don't know if it's as binary as like You're good and I'm bad or I'm bad and you're good I think it's just like To Flood human beings Like in any relationship I think it's to flood human beings Doing their best to connect with each other And sometimes if you're not right for each other That's not going to work out And you mentioned your parents were very young When they got together, weren't they Were you looking perhaps for a little bit For the sort of security In your own life In your own relationship That you perceived as them having From a very early stage I don't I mean it's funny Because my parents got together Like I think when they were 17 And then they got married to 21 And You know it's been really interesting

6:03I think watching them sort of grow together And learn to love each kind of new Isheration of the other And there's something really beautiful in that And But I suppose I will say is that like My mother made a very good choice At the age of 21 I don't think that I would have made a Simility good choice perhaps When I was that age like I And like if you when you're asking me I did I want their security I'm not sure I mean again I think that the life that I Want to lead or the life that I was hoping to lead I think was always going to look different To what they had And I definitely think that actually A mistake that I've made in the past Has been trying to create a life That looked perfect on paper That looked good from the outside Where I was kind of ticking off The markers of adulthood You know here's the house Here's the dog Here's the man But actually it didn't feel Right for me And I think a lot of women in particular listening I think that will really resonate with them

7:04And I think they'll find that in the pages of A bigger life Have you always been very hard in yourself Yes Very hard in myself Do you know I remember when I was a kid My dad you know Was you know he played Gaelic football And was like really involved in both playing and training And he really thought it was very important That both my sister and I were involved in team sports And you know he thought that was a really You know I just think that he thought it was a really invaluable Kind of life lesson for children to learn And I hated playing team sports Because I was always so afraid that I would make a mistake And I would let everybody else down And my dad would try and explain He'd say that's not how teamwork works Like it's not it's never down to just one player It's like everyone playing their part But I think it was this like real fear of failure And I've always been I think a bit of a perfectionist as well I mean you know I've talked about this before Like I had a nation's order for a very long time Perfectionism would be a very common trait That would kind of tie in with that

8:04And I suppose you know if you were asking me Like what did my bigger life look like A lot of that was like the journey to kind of I think Be easier on myself be a little bit more gentle with myself And I don't know kind of learn to Like lean into what it was that I wanted And what I wanted was fun and adventure and excitement And that it was okay for me to want those things You see the reason I asked you about being hard in yourself I was laughing even reading about you Using Botox and using story of Connie Minogue In the her famous hot pants in the video Yeah, she was 32 at the time Oh my god And that this was oh my god How could she do that at the age of 32 Okay, when you're at my age you think that's incredibly young But it is young And women women are judged After age much much earlier than men are Yeah, I mean I think so I mean I like I wonder is that shifting a little bit Yeah, now we're gonna make you feel bad about yourselves as well Under capitalism no one's no one escapes

9:04We all have to feel bad about our bodies Um yeah, I mean I wanted to write that section in the book You know which deals with I think the fear of aging And the I was the lengths that I went to to try and I'm reverse some of that at least visibly Because I felt like if I didn't talk about it It wouldn't be honest And really I think it's interesting because I'm 41 now And I feel less afraid of aging And less concerned about like my age than I did at 38 Because as I said it felt like I you know I just got through this breakup And all of a sudden I was like well maybe I won't get married Maybe I won't have children Like you know it just felt like there was like this huge time pressure That was being placed on my shoulders And all of a sudden And so I says that is why I had to write about that in the book as well The central part of the book is going dating again And you had many many dates I had many many many many many dates Okay, what were you looking for out of them?

10:05Um okay so when it's when I started with the dates And so I think it started in Ireland and I went and I think it was six dates in a week And then I continued that across Paris And London and New York and Rome And it was pretty much a date every day with a different man Now there was a couple of days where I went on two dates I think there was one day where I went on three dates and one day And and you know a lot like listen I was having so much fun and I was meeting really interesting people And as a- Did they restore your faith and man? Did you meet mainly good men? I did I did I did actually meet like a lot of really as I said Funny cool interesting people like you know a few of whom I have kind of maintained as friends just because I like them so much But I suppose the thing is is that it was a thing Dating was the thing that I was the most afraid of And the more that I did it the more dates that I went on The and the more I kind of challenged that fear I suppose the more powerful I felt And I do think that anyone who has come out of a long-term relationship

11:08Or has been through a break up particularly if you are the one being broken up with You tend to feel really powerless So I think with every date that I went on I was reclaiming some of that But I was also remembering who I was I think I had forgotten I think I felt so small and so broken by the end of it That I forgot that I was fun and I was interested in people And I was caring and I was loving And I deserved to be treated well and with kindness and with respect And I think with with every date that I went on It was more about remembering who I was And what I was learning about myself As well as all the fun and the heart men That was the immediate objective What was a longer-term objective? And anyway, I was starting to try and find a replacement for your previous one No, and I think the reason for that was because at the beginning I definitely felt like oh my god And my about to turn 38 I have to freeze my eggs And I have to be engaged and pregnant within a year

12:11And then I just stopped and I went okay But is that actually what I want? And I think when I did that again What came to me was I have been very miserable now for a couple of years Actually all I want to do is have fun And as soon as I took that pressure off As soon as I went into every date and my only Like, prerogative was I want to have fun I want to enjoy myself I want to learn about this person I want to connect in some way Like as I said, it took a huge amount of pressure off But also it I don't know It like it made me kind of widen my net And I think that when you're looking for a lot of women who are dating Or a lot of men as well I'm sure That like if you're looking for like your life partner You tend to have a very strict list of criteria Like they have to be this age, they have to live here They have to have this job Was because I didn't have any of that I was kind of willing to be surprised And like I think my age range I was 39 at the time so my age range was like 37 to 56 or 57 Though my mother didn't say to me

13:12She was like she was 64 at the time I will add this That's even too old for me Lewis I mean you don't want to be some old man's nursemate So I was like okay And also like it just meant that often I was really I think pleasantly surprised that like the dates That I was the least excited about Like often they turn out to be the ones that were the most fun Or the most interesting And yeah I just think you can never predict Like who you're going to connect with And who you're going to have chemistry with And that was part of like the excitement of us Did you meet many creeps? I honestly I'm trying to I think there was one guy who frightened me And we were walking in Central Park And I said something I said no he said something And I didn't quite hear him And he turned me around And he grabbed me by the face And he said like really hard Like my jaw he went I was talking to you And I instantly like It was really interesting I think anyone who's had experience Of sexual violence in the past Will know that you kind of Well you either go into a fight or flight

14:12But I actually went into phone So I was like oh I'm so sorry You know I didn't I just didn't hear you And like trying to kind of placate him And then as soon as I got out of that situation I deleted his number and you know I blocked him But then I really thought to myself I was like I don't want To allow that one situation To cast a shadow over like The joy that I'm experiencing And I suppose you know Again anyone who has ever experienced Sexual violence You are you kind of felt like I've had enough taken from me I've had things taken from me That I will never get back I am not going to allow this person Take away my trust And my belief That most people I meet Will be good people As I come just not going to So I went another day that night And he was lovely And we had such a great time So I think Anderson I'm not saying that easy Because it's that easy But I says that was my way of Like coping with it

15:13How are you now? I know I am feeling I'm feeling kind of tired I'm not going to be honest But because the publication Cycle has been a little intense But I feel enormously proud of this book Already just I think the responses That I've been getting And the way it's been resonating With readers has been Like really remarkable I don't think I've had that kind of response Since probably asking for it I feel like women Just really want something that has Hope and joy And it is a fun you know That it's fun to read And so that has been like really Just delightful It was really It's from Grace seeing you again Thank you very much for having come in A bigger life is the name of this compelling memoir The last word With life pharmacy Over 100 local pharmacies nationwide That are always here to help Life pharmacy Live better together