Are You Gentle Parenting or Conscious Parenting?

0:00This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. This summer I've got a lot of family coming into town at the same time. So we have booked them such a sweet house on Airbnb that's close to everything from Broadway to the bars to the local tourist attractions. Not only are they going to be close to all that, they'll be close to their grandkids as well. And if you're planning any upcoming trips, consider listing your space on Airbnb while you're away. You could give travelers like me a place to land while they visit somewhere new and earn some extra cash at the same time.

1:00And with the Co-host Network, you can hire a local co-host to help manage reservations, guess communication, and even style your space. Find a co-host at Airbnb.com slash host. You know, I talk a lot on the show about showing up for people, even when life is messy or you can't physically be there. And recently, someone sent me a spoonful of comfort package and it honestly stopped me in my tracks. The soup, the rolls, the cookies, but also the way it was packed. The little ladle tied with the bow, the personal note, it felt like someone was giving me a hug from afar. And since then, I've actually sent one to one of my closest friends because I know Kristen, you guys all know and love her too. She loves some good soup and some good comfort food. And she said it was exactly what she needed. It was a thoughtful way to show love when you don't know what to say or you can't be there in person. Spoonful of comfort, a warm reminder that love can travel any distance. Send one today at send a spoonful.com. That's send a spoonful.com. This message is sponsored by Regeneron and Santa Fe.

2:02Janik Kramer does not have direct experience with the product advertised. As the mother of a child who has eczema, I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle. It's frustrating trying everything from home remedies to topical prescription creams. But when you're a mom, you never stop trying. If you feel like your child's moderate to severe eczema is an under control with topical prescription therapies, it could be time to ask their doctor about duPixant duPilliumab. DuPixant works inside the body helping to block a key source of inflammation that can cause eczema flare-ups on the outside. DuPixant helps your child stay ahead of their eczema symptoms with clear skin and less itch. And it's not a steroid or immunosuppressant. DuPixant can be used for children as young as six months. Severe allergic reactions, including skin reactions, can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue, or throat swelling, weezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, skin symptoms, joint aches,

3:02and pain, or a parasitic infection. Don't change or stop other treatments without talking to your doctor. Visit duPixant.com to learn more. Whether you're calling the wise women in your life, video calling your girlfriends across the country, or checking in on someone who always knows how to make you smile, staying connected matters. Those small conversations shared laughs and quick halos are what keep relationships strong. Even when life gets busy, some of the most life-giving conversations start with just a phone call. That's why AT&T guarantees a network you can rely on. So you can focus on the moments and people that matter most. That's the AT&T guarantee. AT&T. Connecting changes everything. Terms and conditions apply. Visit AT&T.com slash guarantee for details. Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio Podcast. Alright, Kaby, we've got a very special guest raising conscious daughters and raising conscious sons. The author, Dr. Sheffali, is coming on.

4:04And I just cannot wait to chat with her. So many questions. Hello. Hey, Dr. We are so happy to have you on. Oh, thank you. You're timing. The timing of this is very universe driven. Really? Tell me. Well, I want everything you have in your brain, transplanted into my life, and then implemented into my parenting. So no pressure. Welcome aboard. I'm Janet. This is Kristen. Thank you for coming on. And we are both. We'll just jump right into it. We're both mom of three. So she's got... Same ages. Same, I mean, pretty much same ages, 11, 8, and 3. Almost, you know. And we're just really in it. And it's hard because we're both from Michigan. So we both had, you know, we're 80s babies. And we both grew up in a generation where, you know, we're still trying to instill what we... How we were raised. And we're not being on technology. We don't... They don't have the pads and all the things.

5:04And, you know, listen, my daughter's in fifth grade too. So we just have a million questions. I don't even know where to start, but I'll let you... Well, one thing that you actually, and I left this out because the Pyramid and Pause does destroy the brain. But there's something that you... Two books that you have come out with that are rooted in the belief that healing ourselves and raising whole children are not separate journeys. And I think that might be where the beginning of my love affair with you started. Because we both also obviously are regularly in therapy and just kind of like working through all of the gaps and childhood too. And I do notice recently, because my daughter's 10, I think that a lot of the things I start to really remember and resonate with are when I was 10. And so a lot is coming up recently in raising her that I am... I feel like I'm being overly cautious because I just don't want to ruin her. And I want to make sure I'm supporting

6:05and I'm asking questions, but then I'm also not leading with my questions. So how... I guess we start with... We'll start with daughters. Let's... Because I'll say this, so my daughter... Yes, fifth grade. And you know, there was a little altercation that her and her friends are having, because I feel like, you know, she's starting to... That's where the friend... She feels left out a lot. And it's hard because I know she's the sweetest, kindest girl ever. She just got asked to be a little counselor for their school. And she's so loving. But there was a little altercation at school. Her and her friend had a little fight. And then she just... Well, I just feel left out a lot. And I don't know if I said... What I said to her was good, because I'm also like, well, are you also trying to be... in conversation with people too? Because if you're just sitting there too, babe, I'm like, oh gosh, is that make... Does that make... Did I just say that wrong? So, how do kids handle...

7:06What should I do to help her in those situations where she's feeling left out? Or, like, please help. Well, thank you for having me. I wrote this book, Raising Conscious Daughters. And one for boys, Raising Conscious Sons, out this week. In my book, Raising Conscious Daughters, I kind of answer your concerns. Each of you has a concern that your daughter will be... well-adjusted, have a sense of belonging, feel empowered. And also, you're trying to be the best parent, but sometimes you don't know how. And that is absolutely natural. And maybe there's a little bit of an expectation from yourself that you're going to say the right thing. Where, instead, you need to replace that with... It's a mess. It's a constant toggle. It's a hit and miss. And we will figure out what this is. And it's a long game. It's not a short game. Nothing you can say, unless you're terribly abusive, is going to completely, irretrievably, shatter your child. So just come at this with a little bit of ease and confidence.

8:10So for Janna, you said that, you know, you're conscious that you have some past trauma that happened to you at this age. So that is the first step of conscious parenting is becoming aware that something is coming up for you never before. You didn't even know it was still there. And now this kid is triggering you because it's the same age. So you have to be careful now that you don't overreact in a way that you would have wanted your parents to have been when you were 10 years old, because she is not the same animal, not in the same era, not even remotely. But inadvertently, you may pass down some anxiety now. And she's like, hey, what's going on? Why are you doing this to me? I'm like a normal person. Like I'm from India. I can't tell you how many times I tell my daughter, well, in India, well, in India, you know, if I was you and she keeps saying, you're not me, we're not in India, come back to the present mom, we're not 30 years ago in some rinky, dinky town.

9:12So it's very hard, but it's like this intense mirror that our children provide to wake us up. So that's what you're experiencing. And then you said you want your child to feel like she belongs in the friend group and you're wondering what is the right thing to say. In moments of emotional sharing and vulnerability, it's very hard to do, but I have an acronym that I go to when I remember. And the acronym is vent, V-E-N-T. So the first thing is V for validation, E for empathy, N for normalized, T for transform. You went straight to T. Well, why don't you change your behavior? So that comes after V-E-N. So V is, wow, I hear you, that sounds very difficult. You know, you're validating her difficulty. What are you feeling? Oh, I'm feeling left out. Feeling left out is not easy. So you just stay with whatever she's saying is hard. You are validating. It's her experience.

10:12It's hard. Empathy goes a little bit deeper to go, wow, you know. I can remember when I used to feel like that. And let's see if that resonates with you. Now you're going a little deeper, you're bonding. N is normal, you know, girls at this age, from my time, from grandma's time, time eternal, are very difficult, difficult. We're normalizing her experience. You're not weird. It's a weird time. Everybody's weird. From now on till you're 60 years old, right? And then T is, would you like me to give you some strategies? Why don't I be the mean girls? I mean, not the mean, sorry. Why don't I be the other girls? And you be you, and then I'll be you, and let's problem solve together. And then you can give a preachy advice. You know, well, what about you? Are you doing something to exacerbate this? But this is the process. And if you can just follow this, you're not going to go wrong. Mm-hmm.

11:12Okay. This summer we've got a lot of family coming into town. And I just booked the cutest home on Airbnb in Nashville because let's be honest, it's also fun to have a little vacation when family comes in to see the kiddos. And what I love about the home that we booked on Airbnb is there's so much to do around the area. They can be tourists when they come in, not just grandparents. They're close to Broadway, all the bars, all the touristy attractions. And they can even have a little rest and relaxation in the sweet backdoor living space. Now, if you're planning any upcoming trips, do you ever think about how your home will just be sitting empty while you're gone? Why not consider listing your space on Airbnb? You could be giving travelers like me a place to land while they visit somewhere new and earn some extra cash at the same time.

12:12And with the Co-host Network, you don't even need to stress the little details while you're enjoying your own trip. You can hire a local Co-host to handle everything, like creating your listing, managing reservations, guest communication, onsite support, and even styling your space. So while you're making your own memories, your home can be helping another family make theirs. Find a Co-host at Airbnb.com slash host. Zolaire, Omalizamab, is proven to significantly reduce allergic reactions if a food allergy accident happens. Zolaire, 150 milligrams, is a prescription medication used to treat food allergy in people one year of age and older to reduce allergic reactions due to accidental exposure to one or more foods. While taking Zolaire, you should continue to avoid all foods to which you are allergic. Don't use if you're allergic to Zolaire. Zolaire may cause a severe life threatening allergic reaction called anaphylaxis. Tell your doctor if you ever had anaphylaxis. It'll help right away if you have trouble breathing or if you have swelling of your throat or tongue. Zolaire should not be used for the emergency treatment

13:14of allergic reactions including anaphylaxis. Zolaire is for maintenance use to reduce allergic reactions including anaphylaxis while avoiding food allergens. Serious side effects such as cancer, fever, muscle aches, and rash, parasitic infection, or heart and circulation problems have been reported. Please see zolaire.com for full prescribing information. Ask an allergist about zolaire. This is an advertisement for zolaire paid for by Genintac. And no vardis. You know the voice in your head that talks you out of therapy? I'll just deal with it later. It's probably too expensive. Well, what if it doesn't even work or even where would I even start? That's where Rula comes in. They make finding quality mental health care a whole lot easier. With Rula sessions costs an average of $15 with insurance and they show you your estimated cost upfront. So there are no surprise bill. They also vet their providers and monitor outcomes and 93% of patients report symptom improvements. And finding the right therapist doesn't have to be overwhelming. Rula can match you with a therapist based on your specific needs

14:15with providers specializing in more than 90 conditions in life's major stressors. You can sign up in as little as five minutes, get matched, see your cost, and even book an appointment as soon as the next day. So instead of talking yourself out of getting help, you can actually take the first step. If you're ready to stop talking yourself out of finding care and making progress, then head to Rula.com. That's rul.a.com and take the first step. Our mission is 24-7 access to fresh food for all. Hey, I'm Jana Kramer from WINDOWN with Jana Kramer. And that was Julia Hemings. She and her husband created Nourish and Blue Market, an AI-powered grocery store. When we decided to open this 24-7 AI grocery store, people thought we were crazy, but our first store was completely community-funded. And when your family and your friends bet on you, it hits a little differently. Scan a QR code to enter, pick what you need and walk out, or as Julia puts it. But the city actually put dollars behind that change. And so if the big box stores won't come, we'll build our own.

15:16It became their mission to develop a store that could open within three months, even without any infrastructure. We won the AT&T Small Business Contest grant. And that was what we needed to open the first AI-powered shipping container, a grocery store in the country. Having a powerhouse like AT&T stand behind you, takes it to a whole new level. Connecting changes everything. AT&T This message is sponsored by Regeneron and Santa Fe. Jana Kramer does not have direct experience with the product advertised. As the mother of a child who has eczema, I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle. It's frustrating trying everything from home remedies to topical prescription creams. But when you're a mom, you never stop trying. If you feel like your child's moderate to severe eczema is an under control with topical prescription therapies, it could be time to ask their doctor about duPixen duPilliumab. DuPixen works inside the body, helping to block a key source of inflammation that can cause eczema flare-ups on the outside.

16:16DuPixen helps your child stay ahead of their eczema symptoms with clear skin and less itch. And it's not a steroid or immunosuppressant. DuPixen can be used for children as young as six months. Severe allergic reactions, including skin reactions, can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue, or throat swelling, weezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, skin symptoms, joint aches, and pain, or a parasitic infection. Don't change or stop other treatments without talking to your doctor. Visit duPixen.com to learn more. I really just am fascinated by your whole brain. And I guess I do want to know this. For you, where did this all start? Like, why did you pick and think about your hair? But why did you, what about childhood and the growing up and all of these pieces? I mean, being from India, vast difference culturally,

17:17all of your experience are so different. Why do you choose to do this lane and this to become your expertise? Well, you know, in 2003, I became a mother. And within the first four years, I saw what I had seen as a clinical psychologist and blamed others for. I saw those traits in myself as a mother. So I used to work as a clinical psychologist, as a therapist, as a coach. And I used to see a Delta after a Delta in the thick of the swamps of despair and anxiety. And it all could be traced back to childhood patterns. And before I became a mother, I used to blame their parents like what kind of parents did you have? And then when I became a mother, I saw myself doing in real time. All those parents were doing to their children who I was now treating. And I was just awake and alert to it because of my meditation practice. And it just hit me. Wow, the thing that we don't talk about is the parents' ego.

18:18And how the parent, quote unquote, uses the child to fulfill unmet needs, unfulfilled expectations, desires, wishes, dreams, and no one is calling the parent on it. Like, I saw myself in my monstrous ego and no one was checking me. No one. If I was checking, if I was an egoic person to my partner, to my friend, they would check me. I'd be scared. But the way I saw my ego being unchecked, like, oh, I want her to play basketball. She's going to go play basketball. I wanted to play the piano when I was young. Boom. I'm going to enroll her in piano lessons. And the child defenseless and clustering and vulnerable was just being swayed by the whims of my ego. My meditation practice allowed me to wake up to that. And it's an unpleasant thing to wake up to. And no one wants to really see their ego. But because of my intense spiritual work and inner work, I confronted my ego and then I realized, well, if I have this ego, why isn't everyone else talking about their ego?

19:19And then I wrote my first book, The Conscious Parent, because I refused to be the only crazy one. I was like, come on, let's all expose our egos. And I got the book out there and then, or, or picked it up and recognized its power. And since then, it's become the movement that your generation, I'm so grateful, has taken under its wings. And now there's so many of you conscious parents out there trying to do it better. But in my generation, it was truly a revolutionary thing. Yeah. I have a question and I guess it applies to both daughter and son. But so we have very limited technology over here. So so much so that my, I had found out that my daughter was taking one of my podcast phones. And but I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so tired. Like, why was she just like, you know, I'm talking to my ex-husband. I'm like, you know, she's tired. I was like, yeah, I'm like, what is going on? Like, is she not getting like sleep? So one of the nights I always kiss them before, you know, I go to bed,

20:19obviously, and then when they're sleeping. So I, I won upstairs and she like, through her covers up over her. And I was like, what were you doing? And she's like, nothing. And I was like, Julie, you know the punishment's always going to be worse if you lie. And I have a thing, and maybe we can talk about that too. Like I just like to try to get your kids to, you know, I just like, yes, I know there's learning all the things, but like don't lie to me because your punishment's going to be worse if you lie. And that's you're probably going to talk me through that and say, I just said that terrible. And that's totally cool. But I, she was like, mom, I'm sorry, like I grabbed the phone. She's like, all my friends have a phone and like, you know, or all my friends are getting phones. And they have row blocks and like, I just feel left out. And I'm like, there's a reason why I don't let you have like row blocks is not a safe place babe. And even if you do that, I was like, and I know they've got the parental controls, but also like she becomes so fixated. And I've seen how different. That's why I took the iPads away from them was because she gets so entranced by it.

21:19That I'm like, it's like taking her like, yeah, childhood away from her. Like we're being like entranced as a thing. And so, but I'm like, I know I need to find a balance at some point. Like she's going to be in middle school next year, but I don't know what the balance is or like how to do it. Yeah, I would recommend you, you know, gathering her parents, friends as much as possible. Read Jonathan hates book together, read my books together. I would definitely caution you against feeling the pressure. She is going to say how miserable she is. She's going to say she feels left out. But as you know now, the the abduction to her soul is not worth this price. You can hear her whine, but keep her protected. Like she makes me feel like I'm a bad mom or like she hates me because I'm not letting her have these things. Correct. Like you've got an Apple watch, you can text me on that. You know, if you need to text me. Correct, but is it true that she truly makes you feel like a bad mom because you know you're being the best mom by protecting her? So it's some insecurity in you that you're afraid that she'll see you like that.

22:19But when we know that our job as parents is to be the bad guy and sometimes and you have to just stand firmly in that and act like it's alcohol or act like it's marijuana. There would be such clarity around that. Correct. This is this is worse. Okay, this is worse. So you're being the best mom and you just need to be reminded of that. And honestly, the reason I wrote these two books is because parents feel unsure. They're not confident enough. They're shaky. And my books offer this refreshing permission to step into your confidence. You know in your gut what you need to do, but you're feeling like what if I'm setting my kid up for failure? Everybody else is giving it. Why shouldn't I give it, right? And don't get swayed. It is the same rationale for marijuana. It's going to happen down the line for maybe unprotected sex. Like who knows what they're going to say. So you're being tested right now. And I'm just here to give you the confidence that it's okay on this issue.

23:19You should be the meanest mom in the country. And then what do you thank you for that? I really appreciate that. Like so refreshing. Yeah. So refreshing. Yeah. And so thank you. Because the older they get, the more it's all coming. Like, yeah. What do you do with the lies and the truths? Because how do I, how do I step that? Because it triggers me. And it's like, I don't know if it's because of my past when I've been lied to so many times. It is a huge trigger. It is because of your past. So we don't have to say I don't know. It is 100% because it's your trigger. And you have a narrative. I can almost tell you what it is. It's like you think I'm dumb. You think you're going to get away with it. You think I'm going to be fooled. Who do you think you are? I'll never let you be like that. And don't you dare be like that. You would not be like those people. I mean, it's like an avalanche inside you. Well, it's like they're dad too. Like their dad was the one that lied. So it's like, unfortunately, they are. Like we're afraid genetically we're predispositioned to. Correct. So lying is not inherited.

24:19So don't worry. No, I know. Yeah, yeah. Great. But then we think worst things. I know. I'll just say them. I don't think you're thinking them. But I know we think that like, oh my god, is my kid an narcissistic personality disorder. Is my kid anti-socialist. When we criminal drug dealer pregnant by 13. I mean, we just have like, she is like a domino effect of thoughts that come so fast. And all that people that we've met in our lives collapse into that moment. And we're like, oh my god, my kid is turning into that person. Let me just make it very simple. Kids lie all the time just like us. And the reason they lie just like us is because they're trying to avoid the pain of disapproval of now being liked and not being loved. They don't feel safe. And I can tell you, if you want your kid to come to you, you have to really fake it till you make it like make it safe. And even though your stomach is turning and you may vomit later, you got to create a safe environment. If you want them to stay with you and tell you because I'm telling you they will lie.

25:20It is an instinct to protect yourself. It is healthy in an unhealthy way. But it's the ego. So she's not the liar. She's a normal kid, a normal human just like you would be if you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. You can instead of having punishment as your default, shift it to even more compassion because you're like a sharp zinger. Like I sense that about you like sharp. Like nobody gets away with anything in your house until they do. And then you're like, this is never happening again. You're always in protection mode. And I would just convert that to great compassion, great empathy. And I know this, what I'm about to say, you're not going to like, but even your ex, right? I'm not condoning him. But that was learned behavior. I'm just saying. Oh, for sure. Yes. And yes. And lying is learned. And the reason people lie is because they're afraid of hurting the other person and not being loved back.

26:24Yeah. At the most basic level. And we've had multiple conversations about that too because he would get in trouble if he told the truth. So he learned to lie. 100%. That's where like when the kids do, we're like, listen, we're not going to get mad at you. Like we want you to like, feel like you can tell us even if you didn't brush your teeth. When we asked you if you brush your teeth, you know? Yeah. But also when we scare them that you'll be punished if you lie, you just have to understand lying is the instinct to protect. And why are they protecting because we are coming with our fangs out. Sure. So take off punishment for lying always. Like just take it off if you want to have connection. And you can tell her how normal lying is. We should try not to do it. But the reason people do it is because they get scared. So that's normal. Let's find another way. Maybe you can write a keeper, a truth jar. And you can just put all the things you lied about in the jar. And I'll read it at night with soft music and you're safe. If whatever you put in the jar, you're going to be safe about.

27:24So you give her a way to confess but not having to confront you, you know? Zolaire Omelismab is proven to significantly reduce allergic reactions if a food allergy accident happens. Zolaire 150 milligrams is a prescription medication used to treat food allergy in people one year of age and older to reduce allergic reactions due to accidental exposure to one or more foods. While taking Zolaire, you should continue to avoid all foods to which you are allergic. Don't use if you're allergic to Zolaire. Zolaire may cause a severe life threatening allergic reaction called anaphylaxis. Tell your doctor if you ever had anaphylaxis. It help right away if you have trouble breathing or if you have swelling of your throat or tongue. Zolaire should not be used for the emergency treatment of allergic reactions including anaphylaxis. Zolaire is for maintenance used to reduce allergic reactions including anaphylaxis while avoiding food allergens.

28:24Serious side effects such as cancer, fever, muscle aches and rash, parasitic, infection or heart and circulation problems have been reported. Please see Zolaire.com for full prescribing information. Ask an allergist about Zolaire. This is an advertisement for Zolaire paid for by Genintac and Novartis. You know the voice in your head that talks you out of therapy? I'll just deal with it later. It's probably too expensive. Well, what if it doesn't even work or even where would I even start? That's where Rula comes in. They make finding quality mental health care a whole lot easier. With Rula sessions costs an average of $15 with insurance and they show you your estimated cost upfront. So there are no surprise bill. They also vet their providers and monitor outcomes and 93% of patients report symptom improvements. And finding the right therapist doesn't have to be overwhelming. Rula can match you with a therapist based on your specific needs with providers specializing in more than 90 conditions in life's major stressors. You can sign up in as little as five minutes, get matched, see your cost and even book an appointment as soon as the next day.

29:28So instead of talking yourself out of getting help, you can actually take the first step. If you're ready to stop talking yourself out of finding care and making progress, then head to Rula.com. That's r-u-l-a.com and take the first step. So excited because we've booked our Rosemary Beach home on Airbnb this year again for fall break. One of the things that I love to do and it's so convenient with where we're staying is we all bike together and then go to our favorite ice cream shops and restaurants. Now, if you're planning any upcoming trips, why not consider listing your space on Airbnb? You could be giving travelers like me a place to land while they visit somewhere new and earn some extra cash at the same time. And with the co-host network, you can hire local co-hosts to handle everything like creating your listing, managing reservations, and even styling your space. So while you're making your own memories, your home can be helping another family make theirs. Find a co-host at Airbnb.com slash host. This message is sponsored by Regeneron and Santa Fe. Janik Kramer does not have direct experience with the product advertised.

30:28As the mother of a child who has eczema, I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle. It's frustrating trying everything from home remedies to topical prescription creams. But when you're a mom, you never stop trying. If you feel like your child's moderate to severe eczema is an under control with topical prescription therapies, it could be time to ask their doctor about duPixen duPilliumab. DuPixen works inside the body helping to block a key source of inflammation that can cause eczema flare-ups on the outside. DuPixen helps your child stay ahead of their eczema symptoms with clear skin and less itch, and it's not a steroid or immunosuppressant. DuPixen can be used for children as young as six months. Severe allergic reactions, including skin reactions can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue, or throat swelling, weezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, skin symptoms, joint aches, and pain, or a parasitic infection. Don't change or stop other treatments without talking to your doctor.

31:31Visit duPixen.com to learn more. You know, I talk a lot on the show about showing up for people, even when life is messy or you can't physically be there. And recently, someone sent me a spoonful of comfort package, and it honestly stopped me in my tracks. The soup, the rolls, the cookies, but also the weight was packed. The little ladle tied with the bow, the personal note, it felt like someone was giving me a hug from afar. And since then, I've actually sent one to one of my closest friends because I know Kristen, you guys all know in love or two, she loves some good soup. And some good comfort food. And she said it was exactly what she needed. It was a thoughtful way to show love when you don't know what to say or you can't be there in person. Spoonful of comfort, a warm reminder that love can travel any distance. Send one today at send a spoonful dot com that send a spoonful dot com. Okay, I do have a question because I feel like there's a lot of empathy here right now.

32:33So this is a good time for me to ask your view on gentle parenting because I'm, I, I'm just going to be honest before because I, I deeply want you to like, sanction how I parent. I just, I want your approval, but I will say, I don't, we don't deeply believe in gentle parenting in our house. I feel like it creates this atmosphere of people that have an ability to talk their way out of things. And so we try to keep them accountable. We're not. I'm trying to keep it in the middle of the road. Yeah, I don't think I'm a gentle parent. So let me, okay, good. Yeah, I didn't even know about it till like, we like post COVID. I'm like, what is this thing called gentle parenting and people were blaming me like, look what you've done. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, conscious parenting is nothing to do with gentle parenting. It involves sweetness and gentleness and empathy. Sure. But we're not faking something. We're not, we're not cosplaying a persona of this, you know, lovely, soft person.

33:34That's not who the freak we are. So we're going to be authentic. We can curse if we curse, we curse, you know, it's, we just be authentic human beings. And conscious parenting is, is a way bigger philosophy, which is don't dump your crap on your child. Take care of your own emotional baggage. Don't exploit use or dominate your child for your ego. It needs. Mental parenting is just a strategy of tone and, you know, delaying the conflict. And it's lovely if you're gentle about it great, but sometimes it may not be the time or place to be gentle. Maybe you need to be just who you are. And I would rather we be authentic and messed up, but conscious rather than faking an inauthentic gentle persona, you know. I have another question. I have a lot of questions. I just think this will apply both because we both have, she has two sons and I have one. But my son, we are in a season, he's eight, which I think is probably age appropriate for where he's at right now, but there's a lot of back talk, like an excessive amount of like snapping back in his.

34:41And so my strategy recently, like I had to because it triggers me, I was raised in a house with a lot of noise and a lot of chaos and my, my dad was very dominant and abuse drugs and alcohol. So there's all that is stored in me, right. So I can I being disrespected by men, all of that, right. So I'm trying to like deal with that separately. But then I have this little feisty eight year old mini man talking back to me or being loud. And so recently I've tried calm, consistent and clear. That is my new strategy for him. You will not talk to me that way. Try again. Is that going to get me anywhere or I somehow just gentle parenting to because I don't I don't want to I think I am too focused on the end goal of him is a man that I'm not parenting him well as an eight year old child. Beautiful again. So where so you have your answer you have a prototype of a man in your life that you feel was unconscious was kind of scary unpredictable dominating did not allow you to have a voice made you feel small and insignificant.

35:44Okay, I can tell you mother after mother comes to me telling me something like this where their son and they are conscious about it at least you immediately made the the tally to your father. But most mothers are unconscious and they're like I don't like my son like he pisses me off he annoys me I'm just so angry with him. How old is your son four years old. Okay, we have an issue right because we project on to that boy. The the men that we knew we were doing this all the time. So what I want to say to you is that your boy back talking I'm not condoning disrespect. But there's no such thing as back talking he's just talking this idea that he's back talking is you making it disrespectful to kind of fit into your strategy that he's being disrespectful. What if what if you're back talking what if you're talking to right like I'm just saying human to human we're raising humans right and we can't pull the parent card in the adult card in normal on back and forth conversation now now it's got back talk and if you liked it it's called forward talk what what is it so back talk is a distraction of fishing by parents who don't want to allow the kid to experience to experiment there.

36:58Own limits and their own voice he is pre-pubescent understand this your eight year old now it used to be pre-pubescent was 10 now pre-pubescent is eight your teenager is on its way he's trying to flex his muscles he's trying to grow spout his wings he's trying to test like you know my voice I know a lot my mom's not so smart he if he's giving you that those vibes that's it yeah you're taking it personally actually he's meant to realize you're not that smart. He's actually very smart he's actually becoming a teenager way faster these days than most kids or era and you're getting feeling undermined and unseen and insignificant and he's making you feel small like your dad made you feel but if you took out your father you could see this as a right of passage it's messy he sometimes messes up sometimes goes too far but he's practicing you know being himself now he's so smart he thinks he knows everything and you can you can have a humor about it and celebrate it and not feel threatened by it and then you decide how much is enough but you're already with the attitude of like I'm going to kill this I'm going to shut this down I'm going to suppress it and I am and then you will shame him and he really is a baby still trying to be a man and he's confused he's in pre-pubescent very confused and you you you can't stand his mouth right now because he's trying it out too much but it's a good thing it's really a good thing.

38:27I this is like such perfect timing for not only my almost three year old and almost eight year old to boy so because it's like there's starting to what do we do though starting to you don't get threatened first you give space listen to me even if he said this is controversial even if he said the worst thing on the time the worst thing you could say to you Jenna. I hate you you're the worst mom ever and you're so done a lot of like yeah there's a lot of like I rolling right now and so it makes you feel dumb stupid small insignificant invisible like hello I'm the parent right yeah if you just got out of that and and went to the periphery and didn't get entangled and set to yourself it has nothing to do with me he's just testing his I roll he's testing his voice he's testing his muscle you can just like go okay buddy okay okay buddy very good. Very good you're right you're so smart right you can just roll with it and just let him have his moment without making him feel bad about it you know you can laugh with him you can enjoy his flexing his muscle this has nothing to do with you that I promise you I love that and honestly I wish we could talk for another hour but instead I'm going to buy your books raising conscious daughters and raising conscious son September 15th is out I will be getting both because Lord do I need it no like really cherish you.

39:47You're brain yes thank you so much after we finish and maybe we can do another one just to talk more things but thank you so much for coming on and I am adding to cart as we speak thank you so much. Okay bye bye guys. You know I talk a lot on the show about showing up for people even when life is messy or you can't physically be there and recently someone sent me a spoonful of comfort package and it honestly stopped me in my tracks the soup the rolls the cookies but also the way it was packed the little ladle tied with the bow the personal note it felt like someone was giving me a hug from afar and since then I've actually sent one to one of my closest friends because I know Kristen you guys all know and love her to she loves some good soup and some good comfort food and she said it was exactly what she needed it was a thoughtful way to show love when you don't know what to say or you can't be there in person spoonful of comfort a warm reminder that love can travel any distance

40:52send one today at send a spoonful dot com that send a spoonful dot com. Zolaire Omelismab is proven to significantly reduce allergic reactions if a food allergy accident happens Zolaire 150 milligrams is a prescription medication used to treat food allergy and people one year of age and older to reduce allergic reactions due to accidental exposure to one or more foods. While taking Zolaire you should continue to avoid all foods to which you are allergic don't use if you're allergic to Zolaire Zolaire may cause a severe life threatening allergic reaction called anaphylaxis tell your doctor if you ever had anaphylaxis get help right away if you have trouble breathing or if you have swelling of your throat or tongue. Zolaire should not be used for the emergency treatment of allergic reactions including anaphylaxis Zolaire is for maintenance used to reduce allergic reactions including anaphylaxis while avoiding food allergens serious side effects such as cancer fever muscle aches and rash parasitic infection or heart and circulation problems have been reported.

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