1480 - Mixed Identity, New‑Parent Anxiety, and Emotional Boundaries at Work

0:00There are people walking free right now who believe they've gotten away with murder. That's where island crime comes in. My name is Laura Palmer. I'm a veteran journalist and I investigate unsolved homicides and missing person cases on Vancouver Island. And these aren't just cold cases pulled from the archives. I'm uncovering new leads, tracking down witnesses who've never spoken publicly before, listen to island crime, wherever you get your podcasts. So you're running out of closet space. The good news? You don't need to stop shopping. You just need to start selling, with the real real. The real real is the world's largest and most trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale, whether it's that mini bag that can't even fit your phone or those boots you never fully broke in. The real real handles everything, from photography and copywriting, to shipping and pricing. So you can just sit back, get paid, and make room for things that actually feel like

1:00you. And with 10,000 plus new arrivals every single day from top designers like Prada, Selene, Louis Vuitton, and Louis Vé, all for up to 90% off retail. You're bound to find something perfectly on-brand to fill that extra closet space with. Plus, right now, you can get an extra $100 to shop when you sell for the first time. Make room for what feels like you. Go to therealreal.com to start selling and get your extra $100 to keep shopping at the realreal.com. That's therealreal.com, Terms Apply.

2:22Amica. Hello. It's Rosamoka. You're my boy, friends. What's up, girl? Not too much. Yeah. You sound like you're in a great mood, even though you're on FML. What's going on today? I am. Um, I wanted to know, how do I teach my light skinned kids about their black heritage? Girl, you have kind of the right place. Rosamoka fixed my life. I'm biracial and very light skinned, even though I'm half black. And I'm married to a red-headed man. Our children are also very light, but that doesn't take away from their black heritage. I'd like to advice on how to explain micro-racism to them and how to help them find their place in this world so they don't feel too black to be white or too white to be black, like I did growing up. We give them love and acceptance, but they're constantly exposed to other people's opinions and stereotypes, including from extended family. Thank you guys so much. How old are the kids? Three and six.

3:22Three and six. So still pretty young. What kind of questions have they brought to you? What kind of things have they been exposed to outside of outside of the home? Well, I mean, most recently, my son who has curly hair, my older son, everybody's always like, oh, your curly hair, your curly hair, where does it come from? It's beautiful, yes. But people also will go further and touch his hair. And he asked me, he's like, mom, we have our personal bubbles, right? And I was like, yeah, honey, like no one's allowed in your personal bubble without your permission. And he's like, well, then how come people are allowed to touch my hair? And I was like, they're not. Yeah. I'll say one thing that the hair touching thing is more of a really sort of boundary pushing thing to individuals. I had hair for years that people touched without even like they would just walk up and touch it because it was long. I was a boy that had long hair. And everybody thought it looked like a girl, right?

4:23Like my hair got touched so often. And it is, you just sort of get used to it. And then years later, I was like, man, why was I so used to that? Right? Like I think that part of the thing that you can tell them is that they don't have to get used to things. Like they don't have to be cool with things. Right? Like they can, they can speak up. But I think it's the however you tell them in the way that they're comfortable with speaking up because some kids don't want to speak up at a young age, right? Like you don't, yeah, you don't want to have to tell a young kid to be, you know, confrontational with grownups because they're just starting to learn about authority now. Like teachers and you and family and all this kind of stuff, like they may not have a grasp of dynamics yet. So I would say that you probably are the best example for them and everything that you learned and everything that you went through. I wouldn't try and, you know, change the, the game plan from what got you through life. And at the same time, keeping them kind of safe as well, it's really difficult.

5:27Can I recommend a book? We had this, but we read this book to Cruz when he was younger, written by Tay Diggs, the actor. Oh, yeah. And at what age? What age was his book for? So he's almost nine. So we read this to him between the ages of like, I don't know, four and six. Perfect. Okay. And it's called Mixed Me. And the description says, mom and dad say, I'm a blend of dark and light. We mixed you perfectly and got you just right. That's one of the quotes from the book, right? Mike has awesome hair. He has lots of energy. His parents love him. And Mike is a perfect blend of the two of them. Still, Mike has to answer lots of questions about being mixed. That's a description of the book. I think that would be a great book for you, for you to read to the kids. I wouldn't bring attention to something that they don't have questions about just yet because you don't want to draw attention to something that doesn't need attention being brought to, right? Like this book was perfect for us.

6:27Not that Cruz was being asked or anyone was like questioning, you know, when his parents came to pick him up from school, while you're this color, but your dad looks like this. You look more like, you know, your mom in the winter, but your dad in the summertime, right? Yeah, no, it's kind of like that. Right. So we got this book and it was just to educate and just to get him used to like, I don't know, just like get some of the questions and how to be prepared and just feeling comfortable in his own skin. Yes. That's what I want him to feel all the time. I don't want him to feel this place. If people see your kids, do they think they're white or do they think they're black? They look at them like they're not sure. Okay. Okay. And I think that that's one of the things that you may have to focus on as a mom because if you're a black kid, like you're, like people are always going to know your black, if you're a white kid, people are always going to know your white. I think that one of the things that is going to set your kids apart is that they will forever having to be explaining. Yes. And that's what I've had to do. I have literally had to pull up pictures of my father who's quite dark. Yes. And they're like, yeah, this is my dad and they're like, what?

7:28Like I think that that's, that's where it may become exhausting for them as I'm sure it was exhausting for you. So I would focus on like if, again, your, your, your babies are so little right now. But I would, you know, sort of build the plan because you don't always have to want to be proving. And, and not, and not everybody who asks is going to be doing it in a sort of negative way. But people are curious and it's, it's the kind of thing that your kids are just always going to have to, like they're always going to feel like they have to prove, right? And, and I don't know, and I don't know the way out of that. I don't know what you did. But I would, like I said earlier, you know, you seem to, you know, have got it pretty much together and your story and what you learned and how you came out of it all is probably going to be their best resource. I would just go with your gut and go with your heart. These are your kids. You know best. Exactly. Okay. And go get that book. Mix me. We actually, when we were finished reading it, like after reading it, like hundreds of times, we ended up passing it on to like another mixed family.

8:30Did you know that we know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think you'd really enjoy it. Absolutely. We're avid readers in the house. Aw, amazing. And say again, say again one more time. The book's called Mixed Me by Tay Diggs. That's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I hope that held. I don't have a lot to say about this. But, you know, I know what it's like to be a parent. I don't know what it's like to have those issues. Go with your gut. And you sound like you're a great mom anyway. And you got it all, you know, you got it all figured out. And a lot of this is just going with your instincts and being the, the leader that they, that they will follow. I will do my very best. Okay. You know you will, Tamiqa. You're doing amazing already, okay? Thank you so much. I love you. I love you guys. Bye-bye. We love you too. Bye. Ross and Mokas fix my life. Update. Molly, hello. Welcome back to the Ross and Mokas show. How are you? Hello. I'm good. How are you? Good to see you. She was close to the end of November. And you were 32 weeks pregnant. I remember that. So at the time Molly, I just want to recap what you had said to us at the time. So you wrote us, Hey Ross and Mokas fix my life. I'm 32 weeks pregnant.

9:31And very excited because this pregnancy was wanted in plan. However, I'm struggling with overwhelming feelings, wondering if I'm truly ready. And grieving the loss of the relationship my husband and I had. Well, it was just the two of us. advice on how to cope with these emotions would be greatly appreciated. What do you remember from that phone call, though, the first time we talked? What did we talk about? What was our advice? It was just kind of like go with the flow. Everything's going to change, but nothing's going to change at the same time. And just kind of letting this new chapter be because we're growing and changing. And then it's a dang whirlwind, so I don't remember much. And just recap, because I know that you would put that in the note to us, but just sort of recap for people what you were feeling at that time, like if you can just elaborate on that a bit. Oh yeah, it was like this fear of it's never going to be just the two of us again,

10:31and we have all these memories and we've done all these things of just hanging out the two of us, like from trips or just even hanging out on a Sunday night just being lazy and hanging on the couch and just knowing that we won't necessarily get that same time again. And have we had enough of those times before we're going to have a little person hanging out with us as well. So yeah, it was just kind of a lot to process at that time without having a tiny human to try to process it. So you were 32 weeks pregnant in November. When did you have the kid? She came in hot a week early, so she was born on January 2nd. Hey, congratulations. And what's her name? Lou. Lou? Yeah, I love you. And how's everything going at home? It's been good. It felt like she just got here, but has always been here, which is kind of crazy. I will say everybody talks about the newborn trenches. I found that most blissful time in the world. Nobody talks about the time

11:35that they're learning to poop. I didn't know that was a thing. We don't we don't tell you everything, you know, like you get some of the information. The rest of it, you have to experience it on your home. Yes, you want to talk about being down in the trenches. So how how is your your sort of mood changed? Are you are you still lamenting the just the two of us? It's never going to be like this again, or are you guys both on board for a brand new world brand new life? We're both on board. And it's just it's been this really this huge change, but also seems like nothing has changed at the same time. Like yeah, we're just in the swing of things. Like it's just so cool to see him interacting with her and like just never loved each other more, but also we're so drained. And so it's just cool to see our priorities and our schedule kind of shift. And I think it's important during this time too for you guys to keep talking about things if

12:36something's on your mind, or if you need to de-stress or anything like that, or if you need help more importantly is to keep those lines of communication completely open. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I'll and I'll tell you you're going to build so many new normals now, right? And I know that you guys were like, oh, it was just the two of us. And we had these nights together and it was really, really great. And you fear that you're going to lose those. You're going to have that feeling again and again and again and again and again. Like for me, when my kid, when it was bedtime, right? Because she loved coming in and crashing with me in Catherine. And who cares, right? Let her sleep there. Oh, she wants. It was always get to the stairs. Her room was on the right. Our room was on the left, right? And she would always start to veer left to go to our room. And I'd be like, no, you are going right. And then I'd have to throw in her room and then we would negotiate. And she would come in and sleep with us, right? So that became a thing. And then I started having these conversations with Catherine, like, oh my God, it's going to be devastating when she no longer wants to go left, right? So like all of these things that you get adapted to

13:37and you think are your life, you're always going to have those feelings that you had. Like before you did when when you guys became parents, there's going to be a series of these things where life is going to change. And every time it will change because of course it's going to. And what you had at that time and what it evolves into is just as beautiful, right? So you get used to this because you're going to go through this a lot. And it's wonderful every single time it happens. It's a beautiful time for you guys. Yeah. Like she lost her newborn scrunch, but now she smiles until there's constant. Like you are constantly losing something, but gaining something. Yes. There you go, Molly, well, we're happy. Everything worked out and hope that you, your husband and little Lou is doing doing a okay. Yeah, we're doing great. Thank you guys so much. Amazing. Love you, Molly. Thanks for the update. Love you too. Ross and Mokas fixed my life. What advice do you guys give me? Okay, so my question is my question is. Got a problem. You can't fix. Ross and Mokie got you. Claire, welcome to Ross and Mokas fixed my life. Why are you here today? Let everyone know. I just want to know

14:39how do I know if he's emotionally involved with a coworker? Claire, you're just this. Hey, Ross and Mokas fixed my life. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 10. Overall, we have a good marriage. However, I suspect he may be emotionally invested in a co-worker. I've been dealing with mental health challenges and recognize that I may not have been emotionally available to him. He works with many women and occasionally talks to me about work situations, but nothing beyond that. How can I tell if he has formed an emotional connection with somebody at work? Have you ever asked him? I have. And what does he say? So a few weeks ago, I had this like intense dream and it woke me up in the middle of the night and it startled him. So he woke up and so I used that as my opportunity to share my feelings with him. And when I asked him, he's like, well, what does emotional being emotionally involved mean? So I explained it to him and his response was not really. What does to you

15:43emotional being emotionally involved mean? I would ask the same question. Yeah, so I just feel like it's like having like a deeper connection with someone, especially someone of the opposite sex. And like looking forward to going to work because of that one person and having like deeper conversations with them versus like surface level. I will say one thing off the top here, Claire, and I'm going to give you this pro tip. You can have these feelings. Absolutely. You can have these feelings and you can also have these conversations. One thing I would highly advise against the next time this happens, don't say it was because of a dream. Obviously, it's been on your mind for a long time, which is why you had that dream, but waking up in the middle of the night and then starting to have this conversation because of a dream. No guy deserves or wants to get in trouble for something he did in your dream. That's pretty ridiculous. It was so wicked though. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You've literally dreamt it up. Right? Like you're not going to, you're not going to get anything

16:48out of him. You're not going to even have a remotely serious conversation with him. If you are like I need to talk to you because I had a dream about this thing. No, no, save it and say you've been thinking about other stuff. Don't say I dreamt about this the other night. No guy wants to or deserves to get in trouble for something he did in your dream. That's fast. Has he been acting differently lately? Not really. No, not that I can tell. Has he been hanging out with these female co-workers outside of work? No. So I don't know what you're dealing with when you said that you were dealing with your mental health challenges. I hope you're getting help for that and everything is going well. But I think what you are going through right now is guilt because you know that for whatever reason, like you said, you haven't been there emotionally for your husband. And I think you're realizing this now is giving you anxiety and a way that you are dealing with this anxiety is thinking that if he's not getting it from you, then he's getting it from somebody else. Great. And then you start spiraling and thinking, well, who are these other women that he's

17:48working with and what could they be talking about? Oh, maybe it's this. Maybe it's this. Maybe it's this. And then you start thinking about that even more. And then you just drive yourself crazy thinking about that stuff all day. Things that may not even be happening. Yeah. I mean, he did mention that there's this one coworker that he would consider like close to. But like just having not having those surface level conversations and talking about like each other's spouse or like our child or things other than work. But again, if even if this is happening, your situation is that the reason you're so racked over this is because you understand it because he's not getting that from you. Right. Right. He's actually opening up and telling you, like you're asking him these questions and he's telling you, yes, I am having these conversations with, you know, this other person. Here's what we talk about. He's not hiding anything. I think it would be different if he was having an emotional connection with somebody that he works with. And he wasn't

18:49telling you about it. You found out later. Right. Yeah. So it seems like you guys are having open conversations and he feels quite comfortable telling you everything. I feel like we're having open conversations when I started though. It's not like he's like, oh, like, you know, what is, what is his experience with you if he tries to have start an emotional conversation with you at the wrong time. Yeah. Maybe he gets a little bit of. And how often have you shut down an emotional conversation when you're not ready to have one? Yeah. Right. So why is he going to start now? He knows where he knows where that goes. Right. He knows, he knows, listen, he loves you, he's your husband, but his entire life, your entire household runs on your emotional schedule. And he knows that. You're right. Like, if you, if you want a way out of this where you don't spiral even deeper, the only person that can get out of this is you. Okay. Well, as I opening, thank you. Is that how Claire? Yeah. Like, get always count on you guys. Yes.

19:54Well, thank you for listening. Thank you for reaching out. All right. Stop getting mad at your husband for things that happen in your dreams. Okay. Thanks so much. I love you. Claire. Bye. Love you. Kiss. There are people walking free right now who believe they've gotten away with murder. That's where island crime comes in. My name is Laura Palmer. I'm a veteran journalist and I investigate unsolved homicides and missing person cases on Vancouver Island. And these aren't just cold cases pulled from the archives. I'm uncovering new leads tracking down witnesses who've never spoken publicly before. Listen to island crime wherever you get your podcasts. So you're running out of closet space. The good news? You don't need to stop shopping. You just need to start selling with the real real. The real real is the world's largest and most

20:55trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale. Whether it's that mini bag that can't even fit your phone. Or those boots you never fully broke in. The real real handles everything from photography and copyrighting to shipping and pricing. So you can just sit back, get paid, and make room for things that actually feel like you. And with 10,000 plus new arrivals every single day from top designers like Prada, Selene, Louis Vuitton, and Louis Vé, all for up to 90% off retail. You're bound to find something perfectly on brand to fill that extra closet space with. Plus, right now you can get an extra $100 to shop when you sell for the first time. Make room for what feels like you. Go to the realreal.com to start selling and get your extra $100 to keep shopping at the realreal.com. That's the realreal.com. Terms apply.

21:56Hello, Nicole. It's your boyfriend's Rosamoka. Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? Not bad. I'm Nicole, but you know, why else? Because you're on FML for a reason. What's going on? Okay, so my question is, how do I deal with a brand new rental that's a complete nightmare? Oh, wow. Nicole, you wrote us this. Hey, Rosamoka fixed my life. My husband and I are renting a brand new build and this past month has been held. We had repeated power outages that knock out the heat, including one stretch where it was out for four for two full days. The fire alarm has also been falsely going off and on with a broken PA system that's painfully loud and has even gone off in the middle of the night. Worst of all, our hot water has failed three times in the past two months and every time we report it, management asks if we've checked it, which honestly starts to feel like gas lighting. What are we actually supposed to do? And what would you recommend as next steps? Jesus, so is this like a condo you're renting? Yeah, so it's a new condo build. So we started

22:58renting it. Obviously, I know that there's going to be some issues, but it's just like every month, something different. It's like the hot water. Are you renting it from like an owner who owns the unit or are you renting it from the building? The owner. Okay. So are you in contact with that individual? Yes. And what are they saying about all of this? We haven't really talked to them because we pay the maintenance and we pay the utilities. So we haven't reshowed them because we thought the only thing he's going to do is contact the building manager and the building manager is going to tell him the same thing because I talked to some other owners in the building like they actually own the condo. And so they go and they talk to the building manager, but there's no one to complain to. There's no tenant board. So it's just really confusing of like where do we complain about these issues? Well, who is the builder then? Yeah, we do know that there's a builder, like they have a what do you call it? The builder themselves. Yeah. Anything on to them?

24:00We were complaining to them about some of the heating issues. So that's kind of sped up some of the fixes, but it's just things for getting broken. So you're at the point now where you're out of options as to who to talk to? Yeah, pretty much. Okay. Beyond the builder, could you go and complain to, I don't know, like what would be the, like the, not the business bureau, but like, who would you complain to? Like to 311, I guess, or something like that, like calling this calling the city. I would say, I would say this that what you first need to do, okay, is that every single complaint that you have, yeah, that needs to go in writing to your unit owner. Okay, to our unit owner, right? Because your unit owner right now is saying, oh, you just got to deal with the building? No, you deal with your unit owner and your unit owner deals with the building. Okay, like there are certain things that you can deal with the building for, but as far as

25:02like responsibility, like you can't rent somebody a place that doesn't have heat. It's illegal. Right. Okay. And that is between the lease between you and your landlord, the guy who owns the unit. Okay, that he's the one that you have the agreement with. You don't have the agreement with the building. He has an agreement with the building. And he probably figures because you guys already live in the building right now, he doesn't live there. It's easier for you to go and talk to the building manager or the maintenance folks and sort it all out yourself. So it's right because he is the owner of the building. He should be the one because you know what? If he was the one living in that unit, he would have to go to the building manager or the builder or to whoever to get this figured out. Like you contact the building if you have a noisy neighbor, right? You contact the building if the elevators aren't working. You contact the building if you think that the snow isn't shoveled soon enough out front during a snow storm, right? But no, he didn't know hot water. That's your landlord. That's your landlord. Okay, that's my landlord. And I don't know what the

26:07proper steps are, but everything you have to get everything in writing with stuff like this. Like you have to copy yourself. Everything's got to be in writing. There needs to be a proper paper trail. You need to keep files. You need to do all of this stuff. And I'm no expert on the landlord tenant condo. Like it's a whole thing. But you need to start doing your research on that. But pronto because what's going to happen is that you're going to one day very soon. I suspect we put in a position where something that may have been fixable or might have been easily avoided is now going to be a problem that is going to require a cost. And that cost is most probably going to wind up on you guys. And if it's something that your landlord or in your agreement, where you couldn't even rent a place like the one that you're living in with no heat and no water for two months, that should not be your problem. Yes, it should be his, it should be the landlord's responsibility. Right. But what I'm saying is that something's

27:09going to break and you're going to have to fix it. But you don't want to get to that point, though. Right. Make sense, Nicole? Yes, make sense. All right. Hope, I think maybe I'm wrong. I don't know the rules or the laws. I, you know, I don't know. No, but you are right with contacting the landlord. Yeah. The landlord needs to step in and do and say something. Okay. Thank you so much. All right, girl. All the best. Thank you. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Ross and Mocha Show Podcast. Catch the guys live weekday morning from 6 to 10 on kiss 92 5 kiss 92 5 dot com or download the seeker app. There are people walking free right now who believe they've gotten away with murder. That's where island crime comes in. My name is Laura Palmer. I'm a veteran journalist and I investigate unsolved homicides and missing person cases on Vancouver Island. And these aren't just cold cases pulled from the archives. I'm uncovering new leads,

28:12tracking down witnesses who've never spoken publicly before. Listen to island crime wherever you get your podcasts.