Jack Benny - Christmas Spirit

0:30Remember in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts and L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine tobacco that guarantees a milder, truly finer cigarette for you. Yes, from first pot to last, there's never a rough puff in a lucky. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman, Fort Ed, and yours, Pooley Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Beverly Hills. It's morning and hundreds of people brimming with the Christmas spirit are waiting for the local department store to open its doors.

1:31Oh, Mary, where are you? Here I am, Jack, right behind you. Mary, how'd you like the way I wiggle myself through this crowd right up to the front of the line? Yeah, those rumble lessons you took from Arthur Murray really helped. I'll say. When we started we were way at the end and now there's only one man ahead of me. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mr. Murray. Oh, look, look, Mary, they're getting ready to open the store and let the crowd in. I can see the manager walking over to the floor walker. Jasper, what is it, Mr. Sempkins? It's almost time to open the store. Are all the clerks at their station? Yes, sir. Good, you will open the doors in ten seconds. Are you ready for final inspection? Yes, sir. Hair, comb, chin, out, jacket, quest, carnation, moist, good. It is now nine o'clock. You may open the doors and guide our customers into the store. Yes, sir.

2:34Mew train! Mew train! Mew train! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out! Mew train! Yeah! Yeah! Mew train! Jasper, how could you do a thing like that? To our customers. When I saw those faces, I couldn't control myself. Wait here, Mary. I'll be right back. Jack, don't get into it. Never mind. Say, Mr. are you the manager? Yes, I am. Well, as one of your steady customers, I resent being ushered into the store like a mule. I apologize, sir. I've never been so... I said, I apologize. Put your ears down. Now look, Mr. Sempkins. Jack, I told you not to get into it. Come on.

3:34No, all right. Jack, I'd like to go to a store with you just once, where you don't get into an argument with everybody. Look, Mary, I'll admit that sometimes it may be my fault, but not this time. Imagine driving customers into a store, yelling mule trains. Well, don't stand there complaining. Go have your coat fixed. My coat? His whip tore your sleeve off. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll just pin it in and fix it when I get home. Come on. Mary, what do you think I ought to get from my sister Florence in Chicago? Oh, I don't know. She ought to be something nice. You don't marry. I have no brothers and no other sister. Florence is my only close relative. I ought to get her something really nice. What'd you get her last year? A pencil sharpener. Oh, how sweet, Jack. But then she is your only sister. Yeah. After all, you know. Jack, let's go outside and come in the store again. Why? I want that guy with a whip to get another crack at you. Nothing doing. He had his chance.

4:34Anyway, I can't understand a store like this, bringing customers in just the way they... Hey pardon me, mister. Did you see my wife? Huh? Are you talking to me? Yeah. Did you see my wife? No, I have it. As a matter of fact, I don't even know your wife. And how do you know you didn't see her? Now, mister, how would I know? I can't stand here, drapering. I better go look for her. Glowee! Now come on, Mary. Let's go. Oh, Jack, look. There's Dennis. Where? Oh, yes. Hey, a man, what can I do for you? I don't know what to get for my mother. She goes horseback riding a lot. Maybe she'd like it if I buy something for the horse. Who's saying, mister? Yes? How much is that horse collar? Horse collar? Yes, that white one hanging up there on the wall. Young man, this is the plumbing department. Just what is it you're looking for? I don't know, but I'd like to get something for my mother. I'd like to call the ladies to pop in and save you some time.

5:35Did you have anything in mind? Yes, sir. I think a dress would be nice. Oh, that's an excellent idea. What size dress is your mother wear? 36. 36? Uh-huh. I think I ought to get her a night gown too. Size 58. Now, wait a minute, son. If your mother wears a 36 dress, why would she wear a 58 night gown? She doesn't sleep in her girdle. Young man, I think you're a little confused. However, I will admit there is a little variation in size, but very slight. She, I hope that movie company doesn't find out. Movie company? Yeah, they want my mother to take off her girdle to advertise their new picture. What picture? Lost boundaries. Young man, would you do me a favor and shoplift something so I can have you arrested? Yeah, let it go. Is there anything else I can do for you? Uh-huh. Those men's shirts and that case across the aisle. Are they real silk? Oh, yes, they are. They make a wonderful gift for your father.

6:35Oh, they're not for my father. I'd like to buy them for Jack Benny. Jack Benny? Do you know him? Oh, sure. He's on one of my shows. Dennis. Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. Doing your Christmas shopping? Yeah. She, I was just going to decide on Mr. Benny's gift and he had to walk up and spoil the whole thing. Oh, I'm sorry, kid. I didn't know you wanted to be a secret. Yeah. Now you'll have to close your eyes. Okay. Got him closed? Uh-huh. Okay, Mr. you can wrap it up now. I'm putting it in a shoe box so he won't know it's a shirt. Can I open my eyes now? Yeah. That was a close one. Yeah, yeah. Well, same, Mr. Benny, while my packages are being gift wrapped, would you like to step over to the music counter and hear a record I just made? Oh, sure, kid. Come on. Ole Miss? Yes. Do you have the latest record made by Dennis Day? You mean I must have done something wonderful?

7:35Yeah, that's the one. Would you play it, Miss? I'm sorry, but our record player is broken. Broken? Yeah, all day yesterday every five minutes some curly-headed jerk kept requesting, that's what I like about the sound. I think I know who you mean. Why didn't you tell him that you refused to play it? And get hit with a hand-hawk? Oh, yes, he's never without one. Gee, and I wanted you to hear my record. Well, it'll make you feel better, Dennis, you sing and I'll spin you around. Okay. Okay, come on. I must have done something wonderful to find someone quite good.

8:40I'm sure you do. Somehow, somewhere, I did something sweet. Like helping all lady across the street. I'll never know why you love me so. I only know you do. Darling, I must have done something wonderful to be blessed with someone like you.

9:49I'll never know why you love me so. I only know you do. Darling, I must have done something wonderful. To be blessed with someone like you. Well, that was very good, Dennis.

10:55I bet it's a swell record. Say, Mary, don't you think that song will be a... Mary? Now where did Mary go? Well, she's way over there at the end of the counter. Oh, yeah. May I wait on you, Miss? Yes, I'd like to get something for a gentleman. A gentleman? Y'all, husband? No, my boy. He's been nice to me and I'd like to show my appreciation. Oh. Here's something nice. A gold tie class. A gold tie class? No. How about a gold keychain? No. How about gold cufflinks? Look, mister, I don't want to get him anything. He can melt down. Gee, I wish I could think of something. Well, Miss, perhaps I could help you better if you told me how closely you two are associated. Are you engaged? No, we're not. Is he your boyfriend? No, as a matter of fact, he treats me more like a sister. How about a pencil sharpener?

11:58A pencil sharpener? Yes, we ship on the Chicago every year. It goes to a girl named Flossie. You mean Florence? Well, I feel like I know her. Hey, Mary, let's not keep losing each other. Yeah, I spend more. Hello, Mr. Venny. Oh, hello. It's on the way to Chicago. Wait a minute. This year I was going to get my sister something different. Come on, Mary, let's go. You know what's amazing? I know what's amazing. How everybody knows I'm a comedian. Mary, I'm going to get something else for my sister. Now, is there anything else, sir? Well, I don't know, baby. Let's see what I've bought so far. Well, there's one black negligee. Yeah.

12:58That's for my ever-loving wife. Oh, you're married? Well, I married. Well, I married Alice Faye, the sweetest little galorever. Oh, come on now, baby, stop crying. There ain't enough for me for everybody. Yes, sir. Happens every time. Now, let's see, honey, I've got everybody's present except one for Jackson. Oh, I know. I'll get him a pair of socks. What size? 11 and a half. These? Yeah, now I'll just take off my shoes, put the new ones on, and then I'll be older. For Harris, I thought you were going to give socks to Mr. Benny. I am. Here are my old ones. Give wrap them. Don't you want me to sew up the holes first? No, just throwing a needle in thread. Give the old man something to do when he gets home from his room, the lizard. Yeah, put plenty of ribbon on the box so the kids can play around.

13:59Oh, yeah. Hey, Faye. Well, dear hearts and gentle people. Funny running into you, Faye. Yeah, how's Alice? How's the stopper? Oh, it's a matter with her. Use your thing. She's upset because she found out I'm married. Oh, now that's ridiculous. You cried a little too, Dad. That boy. All right, all right. But that was during the ceremony. I have nothing to do with you. Well, then why'd you cry? Because you wouldn't let him go on the honeymoon. You're very stop. I've seen that, Bill. Hi, Jackson. I've got to finish my shopping, kid. Look, I've got to get some California penance. California penance? Yeah, you see, I'm going to Rose Bowl game, and I want to cheer for California. But all they got in this door are penance from Syracuse. Penance? From Syracuse? Sure. There's a big box up right up there on the counter. See what it says? Syracuse penance. That circus penis. Serracuse penance. Bill, how can you be... She disappeared in the crowd. Good, good. Now, Mary, I wish it helped me decide on something for my sister, Floris. Okay. And what's the reason?

14:59I want to go to her. What are you doing? I'm gonna go home. I'll go home. I'm gonna go home. I'll go home. I'm gonna go home. I'll go home. All right. You see? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well, Jack, I've been trying to think. I'm sure you didn't see my wife. Look, Buddy, I'd like to help you, but I don't know what your wife looks like. Has she got any identifying marks? Well, she's got a birthmark. Never mind. I'll look for her myself. Yes, yes, you better. Chloe. Come on, Mary. Why does everybody have to pick on me? Yes, yes, yes. Well, have you made up your mind, sir? Huh? Oh, oh, I was just looking around. I sure would like to give my girl a ring like that. Well, I don't blame you. That's a beautiful diamond ring. How much is it? $4,000. That doesn't sound so bad. The way I look at my bank book.

16:00Well, or will I turn the page? Well, or will I turn another page? Well, just a minute, I'm on the last page. Well, what's on the last page? Put something in the pot, boy. Well, look, Mr. If you want to buy this ring, you don't have to pay the $4,000 cash. You can pay for it on easy terms. All you have to do is establish credit rating. Credit rating? Yes, I have the forms right here. Your name? Rochester, Vanjoan. Are you employed? Yes, sir. Would you work for it? Jack Benny. Oh. What are your duties? You mean you want to go on? Why? Yes. What are your duties with Mr. Benny? Well, besides being his Roma partner, I'm his personal secretary, legal advisor, attorney-law, and I also select the scripts for the movies he makes. You pick his movies? He has to blame somebody.

17:03Well, I don't agree with you. I think that Mr. Benny is a great entertainer, whether it's stage, screen, or radio. And as far as I'm concerned, his last picture was one of the funniest I've ever seen. You keep talking like that, you'll be in line for a special sharpener. Jack, I think Rochester's over there picking out a gift for you. Yeah, I guess so. I don't want to see me. So let's move on. Jack, Jack! Hey, it's not. Hello, Jack. Well, hello, Barry. Or say, Jack, I just bought you a present, but I felt it was silly to wait until Christmas, so I'm going to give it to you now, here. For me? A mop? But down. What can I do with a mop? This isn't a mop. I just put a handle on it so you wouldn't be embarrassed carrying it home. Oh, I see. I thought the widow's peak was so you could get into the corners. You're so stupid. Dad, Dad, what have you gotten at, little bag?

18:05Oh, Mary, I'm glad to ask me. Here, here, I'll show it to you. The cutest thing you ever saw. What is it, Dad? See, it's a little toy married around. Well, what do you want that for? When I hear, let me show you. First, you wind it up, and then you release the lever, and it spins around and plays music. Really? Let's see how it works, Dad. Okay. Come on, come on. Okay, let's see. Lucky strike is as good as can be. Okay, let's see. Smoke a lucky and you will soon see. There is nothing quite by pumpin' on a lucky spot.

19:09Everybody knows they're round and firm and fully bad. Everybody knows they're free and easy on the dog. There's a free and easy, there's a free and easy. Don't you think it's time you're smart? Now with the card. If you take the time to try one, we sure you'll buy, sir. What's the matter? Here, I better wind it up again. Oh... Let's fly the lucky, and make it in Kentucky... L-S-M-E-T! L-S-M-E-T! Yes. Sir Lucky's, pay more! Make way. No! No, what happened? Oh, what a shame it's broke!

20:25Damn, that's the cutest toy I ever saw. Yeah, that's a shame it's broke. Oh, that's all right. I'll get another one. Well, I've got to run along now. See you kids later. Bye, Don. How long, Don? I'm Mary. I don't want to be here all day. I'm going to get that other present from my sister. Let's go over the perfume counter. Well, Jack, I've got some other shopping to do, so I'll meet you there later. All right, Mary. Go be too long. Yeah, what are we trying to perfume my oughta get? Oh, there you are. What? What are you seeing? Oh, for heaven's sake. Why do you keep asking me about your wife? I told you I don't know what she looks like. Well, here. I'll show you a picture of her. See? This? This is your wife? Yep. Seems silly of me to keep looking for her, don't it? I don't know, anyway, Miss. She must be in the store someplace. So just keep looking and you'll probably find her. I hope not. Hello, I'm Rube. Rube. Hello, Eee.

21:26I'd like to get out of here so I can stop running into such stuff. Oh, here's the perfume, Connor. Must be something nice here for my sister. Oh, Claire. Claire. What can I do for you, sir? Are you the salesman here? Yeah. You're the salesman here in the perfume department? Don't take my word for it. Tell me. I'll take your word for it. Thank you. Yeah. Now, what kind of perfume would you like to buy? Well, what kind of you got? I've got taboo, temptation, shocking white shoulders, surrender, and you should excuse the expression, my sin.

22:29Wait a minute. I think my sister likes taboo, but I don't know whether to get it for her or not. Taboo or not taboo, that is the question. Hmm. I made that up myself. I know. Everybody says I'm another Milton Boyle. Well, you're faced. Your face does look a little like a kinescope. Now, let's see some other perfumes, please. Okay. We have some very nice, imported ones. Evening in Paris. Uh-huh. Midnight in Madrid. Uh-huh.

23:29Here's a domestic one. Morning in the smart. Oh, are they, are they bottling it now? Where am I? We got enough of it. Yes, yes. Oh, there you are, Ted. Yeah, I thought I'd stop here and get some perfume for Florence. Clerk, what's that? Oh, this is a very fashionable odor. It's called Ojudwee. I'm frayin' little onion. Say that does smell nice. Yeah. And it's got tennis villain in it to fight off virus acts. That's not a bad idea, you know, you know. Hey, Jack, here's the perfume your sister Florence might like. L'Odelavé crayon. L'Odelavé crayon. What does that mean? A room of freshly sharpened pencil. Oh, you're no help. Imagine putting a clerk like you behind a perfume counter. Oh, this ain't my regular job. I just sell perfume during the Christmas rush.

24:30I thought so. What is your regular job? I'm a goose girl at Hollywood Park. Oh, come on, Mary. I've had enough of this guy. Hey, what's that? Well, we've been here all day and it's closing time. You mean they're closing the store now? Yes. Jack, look out! You little frayin' a heel! Everybody out! Get out of here! Get out of here! I'll hit you! Get out of here! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, darn it. There goes my other sleeve. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, Care food packages have been improved and increased with more meats and fats that mean health to hungry children and families overseas.

25:30Twenty-two and one-half pounds of life-giving food for $10. Delivery guaranteed. Send your contribution to nonprofit care, Los Angeles or New York. That's C-A-R-E, Care, Los Angeles or New York. Jack will be back in just a moment. But first, vegetable, lamb, lamb, lamb, lamb, and lamb, lamb, lamb, and lamb. Well, Lucky Strike goes to the tobacco markets. They have you in mind. Your deep-down enjoyment of smoking. And that's a big reason why they pay more for fine tobacco. Lamb, lamb, lamb, lamb, and lamb. Is older, mahogany? Yes, friends, at the tobacco auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars, more than official parity prices for fine-liped, naturally mild tobacco. You see, in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts, and LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. You'll know this is true with every lucky you like, or here's smoking at its finest. Smooth, mellow, deeply enjoyable.

26:32There's never a roughfuck in a lucky. And like you, the veteran tobacco men choose Lucky Strike for their own personal enjoyment. In fact, a recent survey reveals that more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers in warehouse men, smoke Lucky Strike regularly, than the next two leading brands combine. So take a tip from the experts, and smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. And here's a Christmas gift suggestion that every friend will welcome, especially wrapped Christmas carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes. Ten packs, 200 cigarettes, 200 wonderfully smooth, deeply enjoyable luckies. Yes, give Lucky Strike Christmas cartons to your friends, and keep a good supply of luckies on hand to add to your enjoyment of the Christmas season. She married this Christmas Russia's awful, isn't it? Yeah. Hey, look how proud of this bus is.

27:33Hey, Roo! Roo! Huh? How are you? How would you? I'm fine, fine. Do you ever find your wife? Who do you think is driving the bus? Oh, well, tell Chloe to let me off of the next corner. Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday, two hours before my own show on the same network, the actors company will present the man who came to dinner with Charles Boyet, Mel Farah, Jean-Rifonda, John Garfield, Jean Kelly, Dorothy McGuire, Gregory Peck, Rosalind Russell, and yours truly Jack Benny. I'm sure you'll enjoy the show. And another thing, ladies and gentlemen, the next time we meet, it will be Christmas Day. So on behalf of my sponsor, my cast, my entire staff, I want to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a happy, and joyous holiday season.

28:38He's sure to have dinner's day and a day in the life of dinner's day. Stay tuned for the innocent man, he's your always follows immediately.