Jack Benny - A Yank At Oxford

0:00J.P.L.L. Ooooo! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harrison is orchestra. The orchestra opens a program with something tells me. This is that restless time of the year when most of us want something new, something different. Well, if you have that urge to discover new things, all you have to do is step into your own kitchen and open a box of Jell-O. Run away you'll think of dozens of delicious new things to eat. Jell-O deserves Jell-O salads, Jell-O relishes. All with attempting springtime freshness that's a treat for any time. For Jell-O brings you that delicious extra rich fruit flavor, deeper, truer, more satisfying. The flavor that rivals the juicy ripe goodness of fresh fruit itself.

1:00The start you offer near a career of new and inspired dishes, you'll find attractive recipes on every package of Jell-O. Strawberry raspberry cherry, orange lemon and lime. So if you want to discover a brand new repertoire of swell things to eat, stock up with Jell-O tomorrow. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. And for something tells me played by the orchestra. And now ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who has just become Beverly Hills latest taxpayer and homeowner Jack Benny. There's a Jell-O again, there's a Jack Benny coming to you through a second mortgage.

2:09And Don, I'm tickler-dead that you brought up the subject of my new home. I've been dying to talk about it. You know it's the first real thing I've ever owned. Well how's the place coming along Jack, is it almost finished? Well it's moving along all right now but at the beginning we had an awful lot of trouble. Oh is that so enough what happened? Well the first month when they were putting up the wooden framework, the termites were way ahead of the carpenter. Oh they were hungry little devils, you know? Yes indeed those termites are vicious while they'll eat the lumber as soon as you put it up. Put it up nothing these babies used to run down the street and meet the truck. Oh they're gold getters. By the way Jack who's your architect? Oh I'll tell about the name of Carlton Burgess, he's very clever Don but a bit stubborn. You see he feels he knows more about building a house than I do. Well that's only natural that's his job.

3:09I know Don but this fellow Burgess is so extravagant. I didn't mind when he hung a crystal chandelier in the garage. But when he put a guest room in the dog house that was going through the house. You know if Fido has friends let him move over. But I guess you have to expect those things you know. Say Jack are you gonna have a swimming pool? What's that feel? I say are you gonna have a swimming pool? Oh sure it's already built. And that's another thing Burgess went overboard on. I asked for a little place where I could wait. You know I wish I wish you could see the size of the swimming pool he built for me. How big is it? How big? Well there's a lighthouse in it. That's how big it is. Now when I go swimming I'll have to put an outboard motor in my trunks. Say Fido. You got a home of your own too haven't you? Oh sure. I built a beautiful ranch house right off of Ventura Boulevard. Oh I have 14 rooms in an 8 car garage.

4:11I might be proud of it. I don't blame you Phil. What do you call your place? Auto cap number 7. Well of course mine is going to be a private home naturally you know. Hello Jack. Oh hello Mary. Say I want to thank you for helping me out. You know doing so much shopping and everything. Did you pick out the wallpaper for my dining room yet? Oh sure Jack. It's beautiful. It's a deep salmon color and has pink fillet gold sleeping over lavender cactus plants. Is that for my dining room? Yes. I've lost my appetite already. What did you get for my bedroom? Well for that I got red gold wallpaper with little red butterflies chasing baby blue gorillas. And there's an American fact spread all over the ceiling. That's fine. I'll have to sleep standing up. What else did you get? Now for the dog house. Mary I don't want wallpaper in the dog house. Pido doesn't need such ritty surroundings.

5:12Well he entertains more than you do. Well he's a good mix of things. Well he's a good mixer. Anyway. I like that. I'm a good mixer. Anyway thanks just the same Mary. Say Jack you know I'd like to drive out to see your place of time. Is this a nice neighborhood? No let's just see what you're doing. I sure am. Certainly I'm in a swell neighborhood and I'm Mary. I'll say listen down you know ginger rod is the movie star don't you? Oh yes Mary. Well her uncle buys fish at the market right next door to Jack house. Uncle it's her brother that's even closer. And done as a special tribute to you I'm going to have a bed of red tulips in front of the house that spell out yellow. J-E-L-L-Dash-O. Well that's a lovely gesture Jack but why don't you also spell out the six delicious flavors?

6:13Oh come now down that would run into tulips. But it's a... But it's a thought anyway. Oh hello Kenny. Hi Jack hello John hello Kenny. Hi you Mary. Hiya Phil. Hello. Well we're all here. Yes we're all here Kenny in fact we've been here since the program started where were you? I was driving in from my place through Beverly Hills. I passed the Bendy Carpenter building a house. Oh boy what a screwy place. Well what do you fellas laughing at or probably wasn't my house? No this is right next to a fish market. That's Jack's place alright. Now wait a minute Phil that doesn't mean it was my house there are a lot of fish markets. Uh say Kenny was there a Turkish bath on the other side? Yes there was. We got out of that Jack. They maybe it was my place. What were the Carpenter doing Kenny were they busy? I'll say they were selling lumber. Selling lumber. I'd worn them time and again.

7:14Mary get me Mr. Burgess down the phone right away. Play Phil I'm going to get a bloodhound so help me.

8:14I'm going to get a bloodhound. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. N somewhere. Come on. Milk. That was... That was...

9:15Say Phil, what was that number you just played? Just a minute, Jack. I'll ask one of my boys. Hey, Frank, what was that number we just finished? All that moon's here again. No, no, that was last week. I mean the one we just got through with. Well, never mind, Phil. No, I want to find out. Hey, Charlie, do you know what that number was? Crap, you 1478. Not for I mean the number we just played. Now Phil, look, you're the leader. You ought to have some idea what it was. Well, how did I know you were going to ask me? You know the heavens, I've got to announce something. Mary, did you recognize the number Phil just played? No, I needed the guy that wrote it. Oh, well, let it go. Anyway, folks, that was something or other from the picture of the same name played by Phil Harrison as artist. And very good, Phil. And all ladies and gentlemen, going from our mystery to our dramatic offering, tonight for our feature attraction, the Benny Cutt-Rate Theater Guild, will present their version of that current Metro Golden Mayor success,

10:19a yank at Oxford. Oh boy, Robert Taylor was in there. Yes, Mary, also Lionel Baramore and Marino Sullivan. Now, on our version, I will actually play the part of Robert Taylor. Why? Why? Well, because Bob and I are very much alike, he's about as tall as I am, and we buy our heckachies in the same drugstore. And we... We do. And we even like the same girl, Barbara Stanwick. Only he goes out with her. Is that so? I could get a date with Barbara Stanwick too, couldn't I, Mary? You couldn't get a date with Barbara Fritchie. Barbara Fritchie, what's to your shoe width? 18th century Fox and Keatsdale. Now, getting back to our drama, I will play the part of that track star and all around athlete Robert Benny, better known as Speedy.

11:20And Mary will be Marino Livingston, my sweetheart. Say, Jack, who's going to play your father, you know Lionel Baramore's part? Well, I'll tell you, Mary, I've been trying to get Lionel Baramore himself to play it. I'm not a sort of fishing around for him, but so far no luck. Why don't you put some money on the hook? Don't tell me I'd run my business. Anyway, I couldn't get Lionel Baramore, but I did get a fellow who I think can handle the role very well. Mr. Lionel Quetz. Is he here yet? Here I am, Mr. Benny, just rare to go. Now, Mr. Quetz, you're sure you can play the part of my father, all right? Well, I played Hamlet, your old man ain't no better than he is. Oh, well then I guess you'll do, huh? But there's just one thing Mr. Benny. What's that? I've been listening to Fred Allen, and according to what he says, I think I better get paid in his veins. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Quetz.

12:22Fred Allen should be the last guy in the world to say that I'm cheap. Why is he there way, too? Now listen, any man that will use the same toothbrush for nine years and then have it re-bristle. Well, he wears, he can't be that bad. He can, eh? Now you may not believe this, Mr. Quetz, but Allen makes his own underwear out of old flowersacks. His shorts have swans down, stamped on him. Is that a fact? Absolutely, I kicked him in the pants one day and started a dust storm. Well, that ought to take care of Mr. Allen for this week. And now that our play at Yankadoczburg is all cast, we will go on with it immediately after Kenny Baker's number.

13:22What are you going to sing, Kenny? Good night, Andrew, from Radio City Reveals. Oh, from Radio City Reveals. Say, Kenny, you're in that picture, aren't you? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. Well, you ought to know whether you made a picture or not. Well, I know I was in the Golden Follies by, gosh. Well, how do you happen to remember that? A lamp fell on me. Oh, well, brush the glass off your head and sing your song with it. OK, sing, Kenny. Now let's call concentrate now and get in the mood of our play. Cheers. Cheers. Good night, Andrew. On till we be quaggan here in heaven. And me or dream features as sweet as you are.

14:28Good night, Andrew. Good night, Andrew. The stars are blinking in the blue. And it's time to say, good night to you. The moon is never in the dark. Moon, the moon is another day for love. Oh, good night, good night, Andrew. Thanks for another evening in heaven. Just one more kiss when this curse is saying,

15:30Be for those flaggerings and fly away. Good night, good night, my angel. On till we be quaggan here in heaven. And me or dream features as sweet as you are. Good night, Andrew. Good night, Andrew.

16:34That was good night, Angel, sung by Kenny Baker. And now ladies and gentlemen, we are going to present our... A minute, Jack. Am I going to be in a play tonight? Oh, sure, Kenny. You're going to be a young Englishman. Why can't I be a professor at Oxford? Well, in the first place, Kenny, you're having any brains. And in the second place... That's enough. I think so. And now folks, we're going to present our dramatic highlight of the evening. Our own little vehicle, a yank at Oxford, or a club in Waukegan. Take it down. The scene opens in the general store of Lionel Benny in the thriving little community of Waukegan, Illinois. His son, Robert, the star athlete of the town, is leaving that night for Oxford. Curtain, music. Hello? Waukegan Emporium.

17:35Yes, Mrs. Smith? Yes? All right, I'll tell him, goodbye. Oh, Dad. What is it, speedy? Mrs. Smith says that the mouse trap is older yesterday is the wrong size. Wrong size? How does she know? She just caught a bear in it. They know bears around here must be her husband. Well, I better tell her she's going to make a rug out of it. Never mind that. Here's some deliver this order of groceries to Mrs. Bunker. She lives at 216 Maple Street. Well, that's only about a mile away, Dad. I can make it no time. You know, I won the 100-yard dash this morning. He did? Where did you run again? See, biscuit. Well, here I go, Pop. Here are your Bittles, Mrs. Bunker. Bye. Goodbye. Well, what's next, Pop?

18:36Well, Dog on speedy, you made that pretty fast. Now take this step ladder and get me that box of crackers off the top shelf. I don't need a ladder, Paul. You know, I hold the record for the high jump. Here I go. Ow! I've gotten that low ceiling. Here are the crackers, Paul. Well, I better run home and pack my dougs. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. Well, I better run home and pack my dougs. You know, I'm leaving for Oxford tonight. That's right, my boy. I hate to see you go, but you've got to get a good education here. Here's your steamship ticket from New York to London. Steamship ticket, keep it, Paul. I'm going to swim over. Now hold on, speedy. Yes, because you swim across Lake Michigan, don't mean you can swim the Atlantic Ocean. That's right, Paul. Maybe I better take it easy. I'll row across. Oh, that's the way to talk, my son. Say, did you tell Maureen, you're leaving? No, Dad, I didn't. I just couldn't bear to tell her. We've been going together for eight years and I'm afraid it'll break her heart.

19:38I know, son. It'll be a great shock to her. And here she comes now. Gosh, she looks pretty. Hello, Maureen. Hello, Seedy. That's Seedy. Gee, you look sweet, Maureen. You're always so classy and stylish. A hot-y-like new dress I'm knitted. Oh, it's beautiful. Turn around. Let me see the bag. Oh, no, it isn't finished yet. Now listen, Maureen. There's something I must tell you. Something that, gee, I don't know how to begin. Well, I do. I want a can of corn, a pound of coffee, three lamb chow. Maureen, I must tell you. I'm leaving tonight for Oxford. A dozen eggs. Catch you understand, honey. I'll be going for long years. Four years, Bob? Yes. That's terrible in a pound of ketchup. I don't take it so hard, gal. After all, it won't be forever.

20:39You'll be true to me while I'm gone, won't you? Yes, Bob. Obvious true has been turban with a bow and arrow. That's the spirit. You're the sweetest, dearest girl I've ever known. Say you'll wait for me. Well, Bob, I'll wait for you to look out, come home. That's wonderful. When are they coming home? Tomorrow. Oh. Well, I've got to run along, now and pack. Goodbye, Maureen. So long, dad. I'll see you both at the station. Goodbye, son. Tonsy. Hey, Maureen, watch me jump over the pickle barrel on the way out. Here I go. Oh, gee, it's the first time I've missed. Now I am all dealt. We're not taking you to the railroad station where the whole town has turned out to see speedy on. Listen to George Pritchard and his Philharmonic orchestra.

21:44Well, friends, if you all know today I am bidding walk, Tegan, a doggie. I may not be the best student at Oxford, but I'll win every athletic event from Ping-Pong to Scrinos. Thanks, friends, and I'll be seeing you in four years. Of course I may come back sooner. What I doubt it. Well, so long, Paul. Goodbye, Maureen. Take good care of yourself. Well, Maureen, aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? I'll say I am. And aren't you going to miss me, honey? I'll say I am. Gee, it looks like Reen. I'll say I am. Oh, stop already. I think I am. Well, goodbye, darling. Goodbye, Bob. I've heard that in four years. I will, dear. Come on, Maureen, let's go to a movie. Okay, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, who is this guy? And my new boyfriend, the call came home early.

22:44Oh, I see. More bored? Reen, lady for Chicago, Cleveland, Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany, and oh, a lot of places. We now take you to the middle of the Atlantic token, where we find speedy betty at a rollboard, headed for Darryl, England. Strobe. Strobe. Strobe. Sixteen days in a rollboard. Gee, I wish that shark would stop following me. What do you want, Shark? A cup of coffee, a sandwich, and you. Strobe. Strobe. Oh, another bowl. And look who's out there. Hello, FD, your fish and kind of far out, ain't ya?

23:47Strobe. Strobe. Strobe. At last our hero arrives in England, and now we pick him up on a road 15 miles out of London. He's lost and trying to find his way to Oxford. Strobe. Oh, Park Me's whole time on land. Gee, Evan, walking around for days and no one seems to know where Oxford is. A Park Me's Sir, is this the right road to Oxford? Oxford old boy, my word, is that in England? Well, gee, where's it supposed to be? Are you looking for Oxford on the Thames or Oxford on the Abon? I want just plain Oxford. What size? Nine and a half feet. Oh, go away! Gee, somebody must know where Oxford is. Oh, I say young fellow. Hello, old thing. Can you tell me how to get to Oxford? Oxford old thing? Yes. Well, old thing. Stop calling the old thing. I do know where Oxford is. I don't even know where I am. Gee, old. Gee, old. He's about as English as a hot dog.

24:50Two weeks later, under our hero is still trying to find the road to Oxford. We're picking up in the little village of Marmalade on the trumpet. He, uh, so lonely and homestick. I wish I was back in war, Keegan. I wonder what Marine is doing right now. Just me, Santa Claus. I'm sorry I asked. Oh, well. Yeah, I hope I find that school pretty soon. Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am. It carry on. Now, how do I get to Oxford University? Well, first you have to go through high school. I've been through high school. Look, all I want to know is what road do I take to get to Oxford? There's an inn right across the Y. Why don't you invite us out? I will. Thank you. Thank you. My, what a quaint little restaurant. You brown darby. I think I'll get something to eat. Well, ho, so help me fish and chips. Another customer. How'd you do? I do. I'd like a hand sandwich, please.

25:50Sorry, I'm a glass of ma'am. What's that? I think, pardon. I said, I'd like a glass of milk. I heard you. I say, we have no dehamma, sir. We have yoks. Putting and stewed, fried, and gooseberry, cheek of hearts. Tick of hearts? I'll have a go at that. And give me a glass of milk. Oh, come now, old boy. You want tea. I want milk. You'll be silly, I'll have tea. I'm not a silly, I'll have and I want milk. Are you giving me milk or I'll tell Anthony Eden on you? Say, Lord, love, duck, give over. How about jello for dessert? Jello? That'll be good. Well, there it comes in six delicious flavors, you know. Strawberry, rosemary, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Well, I'll have a lot of that. Oh, by the way, maybe you can help me. I've been having an awful time trying to find Oxford University. Oxford. Do you spend it with a no? You spend it with an ox? Now, how do I get there? My business is dumb, isn't it? But is it American sitting over to that table?

26:50Perhaps he can guide you. Why don't you ask him? I will. Well, pip pip pip pip pip, and I do mean pip. Pardon me, sir. You're an American, aren't you? Yes, I am. Well, maybe you can help me out. Do you know where Oxford is? Why, certainly. I just came from there. Oh, thanks. Well, how do I get there? Well, you go right down this road until you come to a big stone mill. And then your friend has seen a heart of slavery. They'll rather see the fight to the right. If one of us see for a test as far as I've seen the fight was thinned, then what friend was offered, don't ever misadventure. Oh, you can't miss it. Now, wait, look, I'm still at the old mill. Well, at the old mill, you turn to the right, and you go on the safer forces, friend. Don't you have to place the... Well, it's over time, it's over time. Oh, you may have to. Now, the sin of me and sin of the fact that's brought in seat. Oh, you turn to the... No, no, you just start part of certain bicycle. Oh, I'll never mind. I'll go back to America. Maybe I can find Yale. Wait.

27:58Here's a way to give your family a cheerful springtime dessert tomorrow night. A swell new dessert that's quick and easy and sure to come out perfect. It's called Red Cherry Cup, and it's made with glowing cherry jello and canned red cherries. It's bright with color, it's crammed with fruit goodness, and it takes just next to no time to make. There's all one package of cherry jello and hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Then, fold in two cups of seated canned red cherries, turn into individual-served glasses and chill until firm. Serve as is or topped with whipped cream, either way you've a prize winner. For cherry jello has a lovely crimson color, and such a delicious extra-rich fruit flavor that is hard to tell where the jello stops, and the cherries begin. Just be sure to make your red cherry cup with genuine jello, or jello brings you that tempting extra-rich fruit flavor. Order some jello tomorrow and try this grand dessert.

28:59This is the last number of the 28th program of the new jello series, and we'll leave you again next Sunday night at the same time. I hope you all like our play, a Yankee Doxford. Say, Jack. What, Mary? When I was in your father's store, I forgot to order a potted cheese and a loaf of bread. Look, Mary, that was only in the play. I don't care, I'm hungry. Well, so am I. Good night, folks. Yay! Yankee Doxford! Oh! Let me make my turns on the jello program, to serve as the most modern-loved production. It's an actual block down to cover. Let me make my turn.