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Stand-Up Comedy Broadcasts — Amos 'n' Andy - Sapphire's a Wanted Criminal. Machine-transcribed; use the interactive transcript above to jump the player to any line.
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which is our absolute favorite F word. In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Fantastic. So whether you need to hire four, 40, or 400 people, get ready to meet first rate talent. Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash zip to try Zip Recruiter for free. Don't forget that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Finally, that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. And you know what date is it? Certain aim is it's Tuesday. That's right, and Tuesday means we've got to go to work for Rinsol. Yes, sir, Rinsol, the salt that gets posed, Rinsol's Rinsol wide and Rinsol bright brings you the aim is an Andy show with... I'm Gabby Gibson. Yes, I'm Gabby Gibson. This is Charlie, I guess, that's Charlie the barber. And a McDaniel as Sandy Simpson. Blood Blascon and his orchestra.
And those famous sail-tongued rhythm boys. Now the makers of Rinsol invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the story of Amos and Anthem. It's a well-known fact that husbands take their wives for granted, and are accustomed to seeing them in a daily routine of housework. Tonight, however, the kingfish came home and found no wife, no supper. He's been pacing the floor, imagining everything. And his thoughts have now turned from anger to suspicion. Seven o'clock at night. She ain't never been out disillated. I wonder if she's getting tired of me and could be out with another... Oh, there she comes. I'll give her a third degree.
Oh, George, guess I'm a little bit late. Yes, I would say so. It's seven o'clock. Play, girl. You ain't never been out dead, ladies, since we've been married. I've been shopping. Shopping, huh? I notice your lip bruises, a little faint tonight. Kind of smeared up there. Why, George? What do you mean? Is you been close to another man? Come here a minute. Let me smell them. Sweet. Oh, you smell my perfume. Smells like shaving lotion to me. Now, George, just because I wasn't home one night in the kitchen cookin' when you come home, you get suspicious. Me, suspicious? Ha, ha, ha. What's his name? George, darling, you know better. Now, wait a minute. Now, let me tell you something. I'll find out who rubbed that shaving lotion on you if I got to go round and smell leather man and town.
George, just a new perfume I got. Now, listen, darling, remember our agreement. We must always trust each other. No matter what happens, remember marriages built on faith and trust. I give you my word of honor. I was out shopping at a second hand clothing store. Well, I don't see why you had to go there. You got enough second hand clothes. George, you got to buy me some clothes like other husbands do. Like who, Vincent? Well, look at Ms. Van Poehler. She's got a genuine fox fur. Genuine fur. I thought she was a better fur than that on the back fence. You ain't got nothing. Other men's wives ain't got to beg like I do. They got charge accounts. What'd you mean by that? Well, when Ms. Van Poehler wants to buy something, she just goes in a store and says, charge it to Ms. Van Poehler. I'd like to do the same thing. Well, it's all right with me. It was all right with Ms. Van Poehler. George, you simply got to get me some clothes. Oh, see where it is at the door there, will you? Hello, Sapphire. Hello, Sadie. Come on in. Now, look, George.
I want what I deserve. Well, you ain't gonna get it. Oh, yes, I am. No, you ain't. Huh? You two sound like friends and mother tolls. We're having another argument all right enough. And Sadie, you stay out of this. We don't need no help. All I'm gonna do is to listen to both sides and see which one is right, and then pitch in and help Sapphire. It's the same old thing, Sadie. I want to get a little more out of life than I'm guessing. Some clothes, shoes, a new hat. Some of the little things that makes life worthwhile. Now you're getting smart, Sapphire. You know, life is just like the tunnel of love. While you're going through, you gotta grab what you can get. Well, you just let me and Sapphire fight our own fights. We enjoy it that way. You're listening to me, George Stevens. If you don't give me some money, I'm gonna do something that'll make you feel better. I'm gonna do something that'll make you start. Well, go ahead and do it. All right, I will do it. I'll do it tonight, and you'll be start. Well, see if I'm sorry. I was leaving. Goodbye.
What you gonna do, Sapphire? I'm gonna get a job who go to work. I don't blame it, serve him right. By the way, did you get the money from the charity bizarre at the meeting this afternoon? Got it right here in the pocket booth. $300. You as the traitors, so here's the 300. Well, I'll put it in the bank tomorrow afternoon. In the meantime, I'll hide it somewhere around here. Where you gonna put it? Well, let me see, I... I'll put it between the sheets and the linen closet. You said something about getting a job. Where are you gonna get a job tonight? Oh, over at the newspaper office. See, I know one of the editors over there, and he works at night. I'm going over and see him right now. I don't blame you. Say, what star doll is trouble anyway, Sapphire? Oh, he practically said that some man speared off my lip move. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I didn't know of a nice way of getting old.
You is really down in the dumps this morning, ain't you, Kingsley? Oh, it's my wife again. She got some silly notion in the head but wanting to assess this a life. She talking about shoes and stockings and hangtures and all that stuff. Wants to show off, huh? Yeah. I wish I could invent some way to make some quick money, you know that? Yeah, or invent something that would pay off. Yeah, that inventors a good game, all right? There's all saying in the invention line, you invent something worthwhile and the mice will be the better pair for your door. Yeah, well, what could we invent? Well, what is the shortage of the need of houses? Now, there's one... Well, no, wait a minute. There's the pre-fabulated houses. Them is the ones that you buy, you know, and put together? Oh, no, no. A friend of mine bought one of them, didn't work out. What happened? Well, he ordered a pre-fabulated house. They'd drive up and dump six loads of brick on his lot and say, there, there, there, put it together. Well, the invention's for you, money, to look at that man that invented Fountain Pendant that the deep sea die was you, you know. Yeah, say, you know that pen advertiser wouldn't give me idea
and I'd done Ben Toyne with a Fountain Pendant that's got enough ink in it to write for 10 years without refilling. Say, that don't sound bad, 10 years. Yeah, I even made it wrong on the other thing. According to my figure, the pen would stand about four feet high after writing with both hands. Yeah. Well, I don't know, and I don't like to say no right off the bat, but the thing don't seem too hinder. How can a man carry a pen that's four feet long? In a golf bag. I never thought about that, yeah. Well, we ain't meant to think of something else, though. Yeah. Well, we don't want to come in, anymore. Well, hi, fellas. Well, we had little excitement, man. Now, we last name. What's that? Well, when I was going home around nine o'clock, I see some polies up the street in front of a new store that just opened a woman's dress shop. Yeah, they oughta close them things down. No, no, there was a robbery there. Some woman went into cash register and took around $300 and beat it. Man, they didn't get her, huh? No, they didn't. I wonder why a woman do a thing like that. Well, women needs money to buy clothes with, I guess.
They all want clothes. $300, huh? Yeah. I said a lot of money. Well, boys, I got to go. I got to call with the cab, so I... Well, drop me an hand off at my house with him. So we'll look into icebox, then, and get a bite of lunch. Well, ain't nothing to Kingfisher in the icebox, that Kingfisher? No, unless you want to try a little mustard on one of them ice cubes. Now, look here, even that lights don't work when you open the door. And on top of that, they ain't even no ice cubes in there. Your wife done defrosse of this icebox. Oh, that was done from the main office of the utility company on the 10th of the month. Well, that is the longest defrosse in history. Wait a minute. I tell you what, I look in the linen closet. My wife usually keeps some change in there between the sheets. I'll get a little change and we go ahead and get a hamburger. Yeah, yeah. Look between them sheets. Yeah.
Yeah, she usually keeps it right above the... Uh-oh. If this ain't Confederate money, we'd un-struck oil. Well, bring it out here in the light. Let me see it. Hey, wait a minute, Anna. Is we in my house? Holy mackerel, how much? Look at here. A hundred. There's $200. $300. Yeah, well, that money comes from Kingfisher. Well, uh, uh, wait a minute. Yeah, wait a minute. What's your eyes popping out about? And, uh, my wife. What? She's done it. She told me last night that she was going to do something and I'd be sorry for her. She left the house around 7.30 and she didn't get back to 10. Well, what about it? That store was robbed at 9 o'clock. And Amy said it was robbed of around $300. Oh, yeah. Kingfisher, what is she going to do? Oh, me. What do I do? I'm going to take this money so she can't spend it. Anna, do you realize what this means? What? Sapphire, my own wife is guilty of petty lottery.
Oh, yeah, Kingfisher, your wife has got you in trouble. Why did I ever marry that woman? I ordered, took the advice of my folks to give me years ago. You know Andy. My mama then told me, When I was in knee pain, My mama then told me, That she fun a warm little sweet dog And give you the big eye. But when the sweet talk is done, A warm one's a two-faced. You're so right. Or worse, something who'll leave you to sing the blues. The blues in the night. Right. Now the rains are falling here. The train are calling the weed. Mama then told me, Hear that lonesome whistle blow in, Cross the truss of Louis. Yes, my mama then told me, Ah, who it, ah, who we?
Oh, clicky-dicklacker, Echo in back the blues. The blues in the night. The evening breeze will start, The trees to cry in and the moon are high as fire. When you get the blues in the night. Take my word, the mocking hurdles, Sing the slightest kind of song. He knows things are wrong and he's right. You know he's always right. From not just a mobile, From Memphis to St. Joe, Wherever the four winds blow. I've been in some big towns, And I'd be some big tall. But there is one thing I know. A warm of the two face. Or worse, something who'll leave you to sing the blues.
The blues in the night. Got the blues on my left. The blues on my right. The blues in the day, My mama was right. I've got those blues in the night. Ladies of hard water is your wash day problem. Listen to this. The water's hard as a rock in our town. But all the same, Rinsow gives me heaps of hard working suds. I told nearly every woman in town about Rinsow. Yes, Rinsow is especially good news in hard water communities. Because Rinsow's triple action formula includes a special suds booster That makes mountains of sturdy suds even in hard water. And Rinsow's soapy rich base makes suds that drive deep. Get out stubborn dirt without hard rubbing or scrubbing.
Even extra soil work clothes are no trick with Rinsow. Because Rinsow's grease chaser goes after grease and grime. So remember, Rinsow's triple action suds for a wash that's... Rinsow? Rinsow? For a wash that's bad things it can be. Give Rinsow one, two, three. One, two, three. Oh, I tell you boys, I don't know what to do. My own way for common criminal. Steal in three hundred dollars. Yes, King Fish, it's not only a deplorable situation, but also quite a haul. Yeah, certainly was a surprise of the King Fish. But when you phoned me and told me I just couldn't believe it. Sapphire was at the house for supper just two nights ago. I knew she would, you know nobody would believe it. Why, when I told my wife the news, she took a quick glance at our silverware.
Yeah, King Fish, you know the strange pickle fork around your house. Well, Henry, my wife wouldn't stoop to that. Nah, she wants cash. Uh, why do we, Henry? I don't want this to get out nowhere, so tell your wife not to breathe it to a soul. All right, I'll phone her and tell her. She's only been over at the beauty shop for two or three minutes. Too late now, yeah. I can't believe Sapphire doing a thing like this. You know this whole thing is gonna finish her as far as her friends go. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Oh, I don't know. I'm sure that we would all still like to have our get-togethers. However, I think the social set will insist on fishing or on a way out. Forget everything you had planned for this weekend, because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with SpinQuest, where you could play hundreds of slot games, all of the table games you love, and you could even win real cash prizes. New users, $30 coin packs are on sale for 10 at SpinQuest.com.
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Don't forget that zippercruder.com slash zip. Finally, that zippercruder.com slash zip. Well, I don't know what to do. I got the $300 that you took. I took it out from between the sheets and the linen closet. But it looked like to me as my duty as a citizen to turn it over to the police, but she's my wife. You know, she could get two years and sing sing for this. I would talk to a lawyer and get the legalized picture this case. Yeah, that's a good idea. Come on in and let's go over to see Gabby Gibson. Well, he'll Gabby's office. Yeah, look at that sign he got on the door. By appointment only. Well, let's take a chance. Hello there, Gabby. I like that, boy. Do you see the sign on the door? I was jammed up. I made a jammed up. You got to make an appointment. You got to wait your turn. Yes, indeed. You got to wait your turn. When can I get your first opening that you ain't busy? You got it. Sit down. Gabby, I want you to help me.
I got a big problem. Any problem you guys write in my line? Write it in my line. It revolves in some of $300. Definitely in my line. Definitely in my line. But I can't pay you no fee. That's the end of the line. Yeah. Tell him, King Freys, tell him. Well, tell me, Gabby, if you don't have an experience with women criminals. Oh, yes, indeed, yes, indeed. And I discovered when a woman turns criminal, she's got much more consideration than a man. Much more consideration. What do you mean, consideration? Well, I once had in the case for woman to kill the husband by stabbing him with a hat pin. Stabbing with a hat pin? A hat pin. Why didn't she use a gun? That was the consideration. She didn't want to wake up to children. Now, look at me, Gabby. My wife has done stole $300. You got a nice combination now. You was lightheaded and your wife is light-finger. Oh, this is serious. How would you like it if you was married to a woman like Sapphire or your life? And then she had to be sent away for two years. Love, man. Love, baby.
Yeah, but listen, Gabby, what does the King Freys going to do? Well, somebody's got to pay for that crime. I got an idea if you don't want her to go to the pan. Why don't you take the rap and get somebody else to take it far? That's somebody else's idea. Don't sound bad. Just get somebody else to confess to crime. I don't think you'd have no trouble finding somebody. A lot of people are looking for a one-room apartment. Well, listen, King Freys, you know something. I think short of the barbers are, man. He doesn't been victed out of his room. And he ain't got no place to stay. Well, that's that. Now, come on, get out of here, boys. Get out of here. I'm a businessman. We left him a neck. Let me check my calendar here and see what my next apartment is. Oh, yeah. When is it, Gabby? November 16th. I got to go to the dentist. Let's go. Oh, listen, Anna. You got to sell short on the idea of taking the rap and going up for two years. Yeah, I know it. Well, let's get on in the barbershop here and do it. All right. Hello, Shorty. Well, if we're going to change the... Andy, I'm glad that your book was cut. Hi, fella.
Yeah. Shorty will tell the understand that you can't find a place to live. No, it's terrible going from one place to another. I can't get no rest. That's not the only place I can find the sleepers in one of them, Harlem or Night Burlesque shows. You mean where they got them dancing, girls? Yeah. I didn't close my eyes until six o'clock this morning. Shorty, we are going to do something for you that will make you happy. We're going to raise for something that we know you need. Something that will make your life sweet and pleasant for you again. Oh, seeing face. That's the sweetest thing I hear since Truman's speech last night. You know something? Mr. Truman's show made millions of horses happy. Shorty, how would you like to live in a big place where you ain't got to pay no rent and you get all your food for nothing?
Oh, man, that sounds wonderful, King Grace. I got to live in a place like double the rest of my life. Well, I might have arranged for it for two years. But where is the place? Where is it? Oh, it's a beautiful spot, Shorty, overlooking the Hudson. Yeah, sort of a stone house big, plenty of police protection. Yeah, 24-hour service. What's the name of the place? What's the name? Well, the name... Well, I think they sometimes call it felony acres, yeah. Yeah, or lacony mana. Oh, I like it. That's what I'm looking for. Wait a minute, boys. Did you sound like a penitentiary? What's wrong with living there? I could get you a nice congeal room made. Oh, no. Nothing's doing that. That's final. Well, Anna, I guess the deal is off. I know how self-hide would treat me if things was reversed. She just told me that marriage is built going safe and trust. And I'm going to take the rap for her. And I'm going to say that I've done it myself.
Oh, kids, Grace, do you mean you're going to the penitentiary to your way? Right. You know something. You was a man among men. Yes, it. You was living up to the marriage rouse. You was what I call a first class jump. A first class jump. A second part of your life. Rince, oh, what? Rince, oh, Chris? Or a washed face dazzling zic candy? Give me the rince, oh, one, two, three. One, two, three. It's a fact, Rince, oh, gets out, stubborn dirt, one, two, three. Or Rince, oh, has a triple action formula. Yes, Rinsow gives you all three. One, Rinsow's soapy rich base makes suds that drive deep down. Gets out stubborn dirt without hard rubbing or scrubbing. Two, Rinsow's suds booster means even in hard water. You get heaps of hardworking suds and fast.
Three, Rinsow's grease chaser goes after grease and grime, but it's easy on hands. Helps prevent yellowing of clothes, too. So if you want to wash that the envy of the neighborhood, just remember. Rinsow, what? Well, boys, I went to the police station and give myself up. But try to stop worrying, King Fishin saw to put this thing out of your mind. I can't do it, Henry. There's never would have happened to stuff I hadn't stored at money. Yeah, you're right. If she needed money, why didn't she just give a bad check like most people do? Well, I'll try to take it. This is life, I guess. Well, don't make it worse than it is, King Fish. It ain't life, it's only two years. Yeah, but I ain't a young man no more, Henry. I don't know if I can do two years. Well, do as much over as you can. You know, I once read a book about prison's King Fish.
It's called 20,000 years in Sing Sing. Hmm, that's some rap or eight, 20,000 years. Yeah, rap like that might break a man's birth. Yeah, stand away for two years in a long time. Just think I won't be out till 1948. Well, if you put your name on the waiting list now, you'll be just the time to get a 1946 automobile. Well, boys, I'll be a lonely old man up there. That will try to find out when we can see you there. And we'll meet you in the best room and bring you something to eat. You better make it a hunk of mush, because you're going to have to push it through that screen. Oh, this is a fair trip, boys. Don't forget to write to me now. Yes, grab us a line and let us know you're a permanent number, King Fish. Let's try to get a number of seven minutes, too. There's lucky. Well, Henry, come on, go down with me to the police chief while I confess to crime from a wife. I know if you'd do the same for me. Yeah, I'll go now with you, King Fish. And I'll say goodbye to you now.
Goodbye, Henry. And there's one little favor to the one I ask you. What is it, King Fish, my pal? Well, I was going to be trying to forget what Sapphire has done. Forget that side of her. And promise me that you'll invite her over to your house once in a while. Why, certainly, King Fish. We still have the highest regard for Sapphire. And we've never questioned her integrity. But when she does come over, ask her to bring back that pickle fork. What's one of you two men want to see me? Uh, uh, Mr. Chief, I have one. Oh, yeah, yes. I ain't no secretary to the crime or nothing. Get to the facts. Yes, sir. I just want to ask you one thing, uh, Mr. Chief, uh, do you get any time off if you would turn state evidence against somebody that's very close to you, say like myself? I don't get what you're talking about. Uh, he wants to be his own stool pigeon. There, come on, let's get going. What's on your mind? Well, I know that this is going to mean the penitentiary for me.
I want to confess. I want to confess, uh, uh, I believe I'll come back some other time. Wait a minute there. You might as well come clean right now. Go ahead, Chief. Mr. Chief, uh, I've got a record as clean as a pen. I ain't. Never done nothing wrong that I've ever been caught at my life. Well, what have you done? Well, the other night, you're on a, uh, I, I got up like a woman and I went into the Thompson dress shop. And when it wasn't looking, I grabbed $300 out of the cash register and I run out the place. So you're the one that robbed the Thompson dress shop, huh? Oh, yeah. I listen to you. I don't know what you're up to, but you're in for a little surprise. Here, take the $300. We've already caught the crook. Now get out. Court the crook. Yeah, uh, you don't court myself, uh? Well, I don't know. But if your sapphire is a big, ugly, stupid woman, about six foot, two inches tall, that's who we've caught. Well, that ain't itself, I assume, but five foot one, uh, I know that.
All kingfish, that is good news. Oh, come on in. Let me go home to my way. So here's your $300, sapphire. I thought you stole it and I was just trying to protect you. George, I've been looking high and low for that money that belonged to the woman's auxiliary. How could you think I stole it? How could you think such a thing as the one you was married to? Well, honey, I did. Listen, darling. Remember our agreements. We must always trust each other no matter what happens. Remember, marriage is built on faith and trust. Honey, I knew I was wrong to have a think such a thing about the one I was married to. They ain't no excuse for it, George. How can marriage people ever think that the other one would commit such a terrible crime as robbery? Well, I'll get the door, honey.
George Stevens? Yes, officer. Come along with me. Your wife reported you for stealing $300 from her. Now, ladies, seems to me, if I was you, what I'd want from a wise day of soap would be action. Yeah. The more action the soap has, the less action you've got to have. Now, Rinsol's got him. Triple action, sir. So, let Rinsol do it, eh, boys? Well, ladies, why not let Rinsol save you work next Wednesday? Rinsol's triple action formula is especially devised to get out stubborn dirt fast to save you hard scrubbing. And yet, Rinsol's so safe, it keeps washable colors tops in brightness.
Rinsol bright, gets white things tops in whiteness. Rinsol white, and it's simple as one, two, three. One, two, three. Ask for Rinsol. Good night, folks. See you next Tuesday. Be sure to be with us next Tuesday evening at this same time when the makers of Rinsol will again present the Amos and Andy show. This is Carlton Cadill saying, good night to all of you from all of us. Ladies, without the waste kitchen fat you've been saving, the soap shortage would be worse.
So, please go on saving every drop of waste kitchen fat possible. Then, rush it to your meat dealer. He'll pay you cash. And remember, more fat means more soap. I never guessed why Mary didn't want to see me more often until I overheard that whisper. You know, be all. The way to make sure that people won't whisper about you is to take a daily life boy bath. Yes, the way to get all over protection and lasting protection is to take a bath with life boy. Life boy is the only soap especially made to stop the all. If you don't bathe with life boy, people may whisper. Get life boy today.
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