It Pays To Be Ignorant - What is an Optimist

0:00What is an optimist? A person who does a crossword. I so in ink. Correct. Say that man a dollar. What do they call the inhabitants of Egypt? People. Correct. Say that man a dollar because he calls. It pays to be ignorant. As any half hour with those masters of insanity, Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the nail-up girl Lula McConnell, and featuring Doc Novik's orchestra. But now, here's the man who proves it pays to be ignorant Tom Howard. Well, here it is again, that Chris Progwam, which is making the monkeys think they are pretty smart. With a board of experts who are fast becoming an institution, and that's where they belong. First, we have the celebrated author, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who was just written a book entitled, How to Understand the Einstein Theory, or three easy ways to fall out of a boat.

1:04But here he is. There he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton. I have a poem, Mr. Hart. You'll never fail. Yes, the wealthy young fellow named Paul, who went to a fence to dress bowl, but said to relate, he dressed up as a steak, and was eaten with reddish by all. I hope he was tender. Yeah, another fellow went as a pound of butter, you know. He wanted to spread himself. Oh, come on, come on, play! Next, we have a woman who was so big when she goes out at night, she has to wear headlights. A woman who was so stout, they have to grease her hips to get her through the hollow tunnel. Here she is. Here she is, as much of us we could get in the studio, Mr. Lula McNaughton. Mr. Howard, I'm true of horse racing. Your wife, Mr. McNaughton, running around those tracks, there's two strenuous for a woman of your age. They really took me to the claders yesterday. I see, I thought you looked fresher this evening. You know, I put everything I had on one horse. Mr. McNaughton, you couldn't get everything you had on one horse.

2:08Is that so? One of these nights I'm going to give you a piece of my mind. I see, you better keep it, you can't afford it. Let's be a man who was such a mean kid, his parents ran away from home. A man who spent three days in a revolving door, looking for the door knob, Mr. George Sheldon. Say, you know Mr. Howard, coming up to the studio this evening, I lost my checkbook. Yeah, well, that isn't serious. No, but it would have had better if I hadn't been so smart. You were smart? Yeah, yeah. This, I got a hear. Yeah, yeah, you see? No one else can use them but me. I'll come. I signed every one of the checks with my name. Oh, man. Mr. Sheldon, if you have a brain hit so we're drawn. Well, here's the first question on a dog at the evening. Play attention. The question's about animals. Here is the question. What is the habitat of the Bengal Tagger? Yes.

3:08What is what, Mr. Howard? Now, what is the habitat of the Bengal Tagger? He means one of the habits of the Bengal Tagger. I don't mean habits. I mean habitat. Let me put it this way. Where is the Bengal Tagger's abode? Oh, that's my favorite dish. Hi, alabode. Hi. Mr. Howard, did you say abode? I said abode. That's what I thought you said, you know that? I thought you said that. Uh-huh. Tell me on. Carry on. Chin up, stop, fellas. Cut it out. Give me none of you know where the Bengal Tagger can be found. Who lost him, Mr. Howard? Uh-huh, please. Well, why don't you put an ad in the paper, Mr. Howard? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I wouldn't do any good, you know. Why does it count, please? Taggers can't read. Oh, all right. Play. Hey, how did you come to Los Angeles? I didn't know they were hunting. Well, how do you like that? He didn't know. Well, what do you ask us to look for him if he didn't know? I asked. I asked you what he could be found. Then he must be law. Oh, wait a minute. Hold your please, Mr. Howard.

4:09Mr. Howard, tell me. Doesn't the tiger belong to the cat family? Yes, that's right. The tiger is a member of the cat family. Then why don't you ask Mrs. Catz for a year? Mrs. Catz. Mrs. Catz. Mrs. MacDonald, you have a one-track mind. I have? Yes, and there's always a troop train on it. Look, that's their car. I'm trying to find where the Bengal Tagger is found. Or rather, what part of the world the Bengal Tagger lived? That's three times he's changed the question. Yeah, I would get changed the animal. I don't like tigers. I like kangaroo. Kangaroo. Other much cuter. Oh, yes. I saw a kangaroo up at the zoo yesterday. It was carrying two little baby kangaroos in front of it. Two baby kangaroos. Yes, it opened the second front. Oh, my God. Me! You know, I saw a kangaroo up there. The other day it was crying its eyes out. What was the matter? When you see that baby kangaroo ran away and left mama holding the bag. That's mama.

5:32Oh, my God.

6:32Oh, my God.

7:32And now we come to that part of the program and we ask the studio audience to help us out. We invite the two members of the audience up here in the stage. They can ask the experts a question. If they get an intelligent answer, we give them the controlling interest in the Columbia Broadcasting system. If they don't, we give them the experts if they'll take them. Who is our first guest to see them, Mr. Roberts? Our first guest, Mr. Howard, is technician fourth grade. Jesse Kaplan of the United States Army. Well, that's right. How do you do, sir? Technician fourth grade. Well, we have something in common. Fourth grade, that's as far as I got in school. So, let's get going. Where are you made to grade? Was that? I never made to grade. I'll never mind. Where are you from, Jesse Kaplan? That is your hometown. Would you care to tell us? Oh, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn, New York. Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, Brooklyn. Oh, boy, they're one of our allies. One of our allies. All right. Yeah.

8:32Are you sure what? Are you still working that town? I didn't care about that. That's a farmer at a soda farm. You were a farmer at a soda farm? Yeah, I used to shave the ice. Oh, good day. Well, there's a Kaplan that these jerks are annoying. You have them exterminated. What are you doing here? I suppose you're home on a furlough. Is that right? That's right, sir. That's fine. I hope you're enjoying yourself. Why did you do before you went into service? That was a writer. You were a writer? What kind of a writer? I was the right guy at the radio comedians. You were a cop. So you're one of those guys. I'm one of the neat ones you've always followed. You're all guys. You're ready. What kind of... Say, would you just for an instant? Would you tell us one of your guys for a jay? Well, what?

9:32Have you got one you could tell us? I've got one since the year. Oh, yeah. I got one. Yeah. A friend of mine went to see a doctor about a week back. About a week back? Yeah, and a doctor asked him, when did he get the week back? And he said about a week back. Well, now I know why you're in the form, right? You know, changing the subject's title to Captain, and you know, I was in the last war, yes. Never forget one night, the captain said, you won't have to do God due to the night. So I call up my girl and said, let's go out there and not on God. And what did she say? She said, you may not be on God, but I am. That's my son, I'll thank you not to interrupt when I'm talking to our guest. Are you having a good time? I always have a good time. I'm not talking to you. Thanks for the favor. They know a sense of nowhere, very, very glad to have you with us.

10:34Yeah, what's your first name, honey? Jesse, sweetheart. What? Jesse, sweetheart. What? What? I'm getting a break. Hey, you kiss this house? Yes, he is, too. You're the boy with a man. You're waiting. Yes, well, you're waiting for a long time. You're waiting for a long time. You can just call me Lady Good Eye. Yeah. Yeah, I have such beautiful hair. You have. You look more like a horse than him. Well, Jesse, we've enjoyed having you with us. When you reach into the dumps cap, then pick out a question for us. And when you've got a whole of one, would you kindly read it right into the microphone, if you will? I have it right here. How many instruments are there in a string quartet? How many instruments are there in a string quartet? Well, Mr. Howard, that's a musical question, isn't it? Yeah, that's a musical question. No, I beg the devil with you two gentlemen. I say it is not a musical question. That's right. Well, what kind of a question is it?

11:34On high and impartial authority, I would say there's a mathematical question. I see. And no other exploit can make that state I see. Will you stay away from Ken Roberts? That's right. How's that? Let's get on here. How utterly absurd. Any more on what you know it's a musical question? Just ask Mr. Howard. Right, right. I see. And that's beside the point. I say the question is a mathematical question because it asks how many instruments? Not what kind of instruments. That's right. Well, now wait a minute, Mr. Shelton. Mr. Shelton has a point there. You could call it a mathematical question. That's right. You, uh, do you mind if I call it a musical question? I don't care what you call it. Just try and ask. Well, I'm going to call it a mathematical question. That's right. What? What are you going to call the question, Mr. McConnell? What was the question? Well, that's the question. McConnell, if you ever change your mind, try and get a better one, will you?

12:36Look, do any of you know what a musical instrument is? Do it, why, brother. What do you mean, Mr. Howard? Why, I play musical instruments, especially the mouth organ. All right. I have my mouth organ right here with me. Never mind. See here? Wait, I'll play it for you. Go ahead. Well, you got the mouth organ in your mouth, but I can't hear anything. I'm playing Silent Night. Oh, please. There's going to be plenty of beautiful dance. I'm going to make not in your IQ is lower than the Brooklyn Dodgers. Let's get on. Hey, water. Let's get on, Mr. Zialin. Did you ever hear of Gershwin? No, I did not. Well, did you ever hear of Damrosh? No, I did not. I never heard a Victor Herbert Ethan. Victor Herbert Ethan. Victor Herbert Ethan. That's why I'd like to see you underype. I'll give it off. Hey, you know, Mr. Howard, you know, I'd play a wonderful violin too. In fact, I can play anything on a violin. Yeah, but you can't play a piano on it.

13:36Oh, great. You know, I was quite a musician in my younger days. You are. Yeah. I'm not talking that for you. I have some memory. You're younger days. No, when I was one year old, I played under linoleum. You know, I played the linoleum, but I slipped up on it. Ah, ah, ah! Why don't you two buy the scrap heap some place and lay down on it? Now, look, we have a musical question here. Oh, musical. Yes, I was a musical gathering the other night. The concert five played Beethoven. How was it? Beethoven lost five to two. Now, here is the next question, sir, rather unusual. I have here assured biographical sketch of a very famous person. I will assume the character of this person you are to try and identify here. Abraham Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln. Not so fast. I haven't given you the first clue yet. Just show you how fast I am. Yeah, all right.

14:36See how fast you can get the question. See if you can identify this person by the description I give you. I was a great explorer. I was born in Italy in the year 1436, the son of a wolf homer. You were born in 1436? That's right. I'm Mr. Howard. You don't look that old. Oh, no, no, no. Why? You don't look at day over 70. I see. Well, I worry a lot, Mr. McLaughlin. Thank you. I'm just representing his character. You mean you were his agent? Lots. I'm taking his identity. I was born in Italy in 1436, the son of a wolf homer. The son of a wolf homer? The son of a wolf? The son of a wolf. Wolf homer, after I left school I went to see. Now who am I? Oh, that's easy. You're Tom Howard. I'm Tom Howard. Wait a minute, I know I'm Tom Howard, but right now I'm someone else. Well, I hope the change is an improvement. Who are you now? What's your first name, honey?

15:36Ah, come on out. I'll give you another clue. One day while playing with a nag, I decide to go to the next one. I decide that the world was round. Now who am I? He still doesn't know who he is. Why don't you call up the bureau of missing persons? The boys to use is a tiger now he's lost himself. Well, let's get your second man who goes around playing with a nag. And the price of a nag today. You know what I paid for a nag today? 69 cents a day. All right, all right. 69 cents a day. That's okay, you're patient. Almost, I'm sent to you. Okay. Tonight. Tonight. Well, I mean, I mean, Mr. McConnell, you know, after all, I thought it's so expensive. Not when you consider that a nag is a whole day's worth for a chicken. That's right, that's right. And the superintendent has to eat too. Who's the superintendent? The rooster. When you were a baby, I spent my day of tensionaires. I said before after deciding the world was round, I went to Spain,

16:38and I met Queen Isabella. You did? Tell me, how is the old girl? She is. I told the queen I wanted some chips. I didn't get the chips, but the queen believed in me. So what did she do? She taught you how to swim. She gave me the money to buy chips so I could discover America. Now who am I? All those chips, he still loves. Let me make it simple. Who discovered America? Well, don't look at me. I've been on a town. Let me put it this way. What is the name of the circle at 59th and Broadway? You mean with that big statue in the middle of it? That's right. There's a man on top of the statue. Right. Now who am I? Oh, statue! That's you.

18:39That's you. aindaimmn m clicking m friends Nagel? Or for another damp? Who knows, next guest Mr. Rob containers? erson. Next guest is leading our women Helen Brown of the Royal Canadian Air Force. Canadian Air Force.

19:43What evening, Miss Brown, and thank you for coming up. How do you feel, Miss Brown? Very well. Thank you, Mr. Hall. Well, that's very nice. Your hometown, would you care to tell us, please? Toronto, Ontario? Toronto, Ontario. That's fine. Great talk. In that many times, chased data still air, I guess. Yes, it is. Isn't that great? I bet they're proud of you back home. How long you've been in the service? About 17 months. 17 months. Well, great. I bet you like it, too. Oh, I love it very much. Yes, I imagine it. So you know Mr. Hard, how you still go from Toronto? You did. Yeah. Lovely girl. Okay. And what a character her old man was. Tell us about it. Well, it's quite a story. You see, about 25 years ago, he went up to that town to live. Didn't have a sink. He bought a wheelbarrow on credit, and started in the junk business. And how much do you think he's worth today? But tell me how much is he worth? Not a cent. And not only that, but he still owes for the wheelbarrow. Is that one?

20:44You imagine that's still the way for the wheelbarrow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His credit must be good. Yes, credit must be fine. All right. Well, you stop if these liquids are annoying you, Ms. Brown. Just say so, and I'll throw acid in her face. How do you like New York? I like it very much. Have you met any of the boys down here yet? No. How do you like the boys in New York compared with the boys in Toronto? Oh, are you married? No, I'm not. Well, then you can answer that. How do you compare the boys with New York to the boys in Toronto? Well, I don't know any boys in New York. You don't know any boys. You haven't met any? No, no. Well, listen, do you have anything around mind you? I imagine all you've got to do is walk one block. You know what? I mean, with your appearance. You know, Ms. Brown, I was a doctor in the last war. You were a doctor. I remember a soldier came to me with a weak back, so I asked him how long he'd had a weak back. And he said... What about a weak back?

21:46So, he said about a weak back. He said about a weak back. Yeah. What? What? How long was that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get it. Yes, the next hour is not the important unit for Sergeant. A few minutes ago, told that gang. Oh, so that's where I heard it. Ah, please. I hope they're not annoying you, Ms. Brown. I love your uniform, honey. I bet you'll pick... I bet you'll pick up some lucky soldier. Oh, yeah. I bet she is. Do you think I'd make a good son of a girl? Only in a bowl of knowledge, Ms. Brown. No, I'm sorry, Ms. Brown. I'm sorry, Ms. Brown. And now, I have to go to question 4, please. And would you be kind enough to read the question when you get one? Just take a time and read it.

22:46In which season of the year do people take their summer vacation? Yeah. Okay, good. In most scenes of the year, do people take their summer vacation? Did you hear the question, Mr. McThought? Mr. McThought, now you're over there. No, I'm over here. You're over there. Where the guy is still lost. Look, the question's about summer vacation. I wish I could take a vacation. All this heat has been terrible. Yeah. Well, you don't look so hot. But I'm sleeping better lately. I bought one of those inner spring mattresses. You did? Yep. You didn't have to wear it to the studio tonight, did you? The question is, the question is, what season of the year do people take a summer vacation? My wife and I went to ask for a park for our vacation. You did? Yes, and the clerk at the hotel asked us the silliest questions. How does it be wanted twin beds? Well, what's silly about that? My wife and I aren't twins.

23:46I mean, silly, we don't even look alike. You don't look alike. I imagine you wouldn't look alike. Your wife no doubt has a head, but that's good all I have. But say, there's no plan the hotel's our crowd this year. All right. Well, the only room they gave me at Ocean Grove was a single room with running water. I don't know. I don't like the street for straying. All right, never mind. I said my vacation is Laddy City. I never had any trouble getting a room. I started the Benjamin Franklin hotel. Wait a minute, the Benjamin Franklin hotels and fill it up here. Is it? Yes. Well, no wonder it was such a long walk to the beach.

26:18I don't know. Well, let's get on with the program before someone comes to see you. Now, let's get on with the program before someone starts another monologue. Oh, I just got a new monologue from SIR's robot this morning. You got a new monologue from SIR. Ms. Bakal and you mean Cadlob.

27:18At the book showing the things the store has for sale. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're wrong, Mr. Howard. I think it is. You're referring to a dialogue. Oh, yeah. Yes, Nick Dotton. You're nuts. The dialogue. Yes, yes. I'm not going to talk about this. You're going to talk about this. You're referring to a dialogue. Oh, yeah. Yes, Nick Dotton. You're nuts. The dialogue is a conversation between two people. Then what's a polywag? Against me that what's a polywag? That awful. All right, a polywag is, well, it's a... ...nugly-looking animal makes funny noises and keeps getting bigger all the time. The older it gets, the more it croaks. Now we're back to Mr. McConglick. Oh, what?

29:25This is the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.