Vault: What Happens When Your Therapist Sends You Back Home?

0:00Hey, the birch show. All right, so it feels a little strange to talk about my therapy here on the air, but I will. I've been seeing therapists on and off my whole life, you know, I grew up in a jacked up family where nobody really cared about each other very much. So I think I've sort of been in and out of therapy my whole life because my relationships with people just have never felt right, girlfriends never felt right, my place in the world just a little off. Some didn't feel right, you know, and there's some connection there, so I've sort of dabbled in it for those of you that don't know. My wife was hooked on prescription medication for five years, and she's just come out of that and she's recovering now. But it was a really, really brutal five years in our house. Like my wife just turned into this person that I don't even know, certainly not the woman that I signed up for, and she hasn't been the woman that I fell in love with. The drugs have taken her over, and it has, it's been a rough five years for all of us, for everybody in the house. Without getting too much in depth with it, she's over that now, and she kicked the habit.

1:03But for like five years now, I've sort of been in the house, but not in the house, you know what I mean? Like mentally? Yeah, I've just been putting a lot of distance between Stacy and I because I'm not going anywhere. I've got kids. I made a commitment, so I've always said to myself that if I'm in a marriage that you've got to give it 250% before you walk out the door. And when you have kids, at least in my head, you have to give 450%. So I did what I could do. Stacy was going through this very painful time. I was going through it with her, and then I sort of wasn't going through it with her also, because I was keeping her at arm's length, and we disconnected. You know, I didn't know how to deal with it. Sometimes I was helping out, and other times I just mentally had to check out, you know, because this person was not the person that I fell in love with, and I wasn't liking. Well, I think a lot of times people don't realize the effect on caretakers in any situation, because everybody's affected by anything that's going on, like you said. And so I think that the person going through whatever struggle they're going through has

2:04to get through it because it's there for you who wasn't going through that physically, you had to kind of stand by and endure it and then deal with it. And I think that there's so many people that don't know how to handle that situation. I think not only caretaker, but also addiction in the way that that runs through people's lives and marriages, you know? Yeah. And the people around them aren't really allowed to talk and complain about it, because the focus is on the person that's addicted and the pain that they're going through. So if you're the caretaker or you're in the house also, you sort of repress it and you're like, well, I'm going to put myself on the back burner right now, because this person's going through real pain, and I can't really bitch about it. So you sort of keep it inside. It's like depression, like partners of people who have depression have to deal with the other person's depression. The consistent thing is that the caretaker is not going through it. So you're not addicted to it, but you have to deal with it. So you're feeling fine and you're ready to do whatever, but you can't. And over time, I mean, naturally, somebody's going to disinselse themselves from that. And I did.

3:05And the relationship is deteriorated. So now she's off the pain medications and she kicked it in one weekend and she's just been awesome about it. And she has turned back into a better version of what she was before she was on the pain medication. It like should jumpstart our relationship again. This is, I got her back. In fact, I'm so proud of her too. I'm really proud of her. I mean, to do that in one weekend and stick to it like doctors would say would predict right now, she's not going to stick with it because 99% of people that do it on their own and do it the way Stacy did in one weekend, go back on the pain medication. But I've seen this woman in a lot of pain this week based on her back and her eye and she is not touching it. And I'm only laughing because you close the out problem, right? Not purposely people on accident on accident. So to make a long story short, I've disconnected from my wife and now that she's this new person, I'm having a tough time getting back into that mode. I've kept her at arm's length for so long and disconnected that I just don't feel there. Just don't feel it's there. It's like that mode almost has become more regular.

4:05That's the routine now. That's what I know. I mean, it's five years. We're not talking about five weeks. We're talking about five years. So I decided to go to start therapy for it, you know? How do I get back to this place that I need to be with my wife? I never fell out of love with Stacy. I just fell out of like with her a long time ago. And I'm just having a tough time getting back into it. So I go to see a therapist and we're working on that. And while we're working on that, of course, when you go to see a therapist, you don't just work on one issue. A whole bunch of crap starts coming up. So what I have conveniently done is I sort of repressed how bad my childhood has been. Like my dad and my mom weren't physically abusive. They just didn't care. You know, there was never a priority in the house. There was never a vacation. There was never a birthday celebration. The kids never came first. It was always them, them, them, them, them. And the kids just didn't matter, you know? That's how I grew up all the way until I left the house at 18 years old. So the ramifications of that, I didn't think it was a big deal because I got a lot of friends

5:05that felt like to me we're in a worse situation than I, where I got a lot of friends that used to get beat by their dads every time they came in the house and stuff like that. So I've just sort of blocked it all out. You know, it's painful to talk about. I just didn't think it was as big a deal as others and I didn't really know how big a deal it was. And I have made my therapist cry twice in therapy over the last year. That is hard to do. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. She teared up on me twice and I'm like, really is it that bad? Because when you grow up in that environment, that's all you know. So as I'm relaying the stories to her and I'm sort of doing it in this emotionalist way, she's like, are you kidding me? Really? I'm like, yeah. So that's what you want to hear from your therapist. Are you kidding me? Of all the years and she's been a therapist. She's tearing up. I'm talking to her. She's tearing up. But I literally would stop the session going, are you? Wait a second. I'm paying to cry in here. Not you.

6:05Oh my God. Wow. Oh, part. I mean, you've always said when the rest of us have talked about family in here that's hard for you. Yeah. It is. It's really hard. Well, I said, I didn't think it was that bad. I also wondered when you had kids if that all this had to surface kind of resurface a little bit. Well, part of this is part of my homework assignment this weekend is that I've compartmentalized all of it. Like, what happened to me and my child and how bad it was, I've just sort of like forgotten about, literally forgotten about. I can't remember things that you guys can remember in your childhood. I have zero recollection on. Like, you probably have memories from when you were six, seven, eight years old. Like, first day of school. I've got nothing. Really? I've got nothing. And when you guys probably have pictures that your parents took of you on those days to jog those memories because my parents just didn't care, I got no point of reference, no pictures, no nothing. So I can't remember anything. So I haven't really attacked this problem. My therapist thinks for years and years and years and years. So I'm going to New York City this weekend because my mom's husband is celebrating his birthday.

7:09So we're going to be in Manhattan. So my therapist has suggested that we drive to Long Beach where I grew up and drive around the neighborhood a little bit and knock on the door of my childhood home and go in there and see if I can jog some memories loose. Wow. For what reason? What's the purpose of that? If you do jog those memories and those childhood memories come up, like she feels like that heel. She feels like when I tell the story of my childhood that I tell it like it is, like it's a book and that I don't attach the feelings to it and how painful it is and until I do that and feel it and can jog some of those memories that it's going to be a difficult therapy for me. So she thinks by me cruising around Long Beach and by me knocking on the door and walking through that house a little bit that maybe it will accelerate things a little bit. If your mind is blocking that out, like that's a total protection reason. One of my best friends growing up had abuse in the home and abuse of her in the home. And there were times when we were older that she would ask me questions about what happened

8:11because she had literally blacked out so many parts of her childhood because her emotions and her brain shut it down because she obviously didn't feel she could handle thinking about those things again. But you can't, but you can't process it or heal from it as long as it's blacked out. And I've never talked to people about it before. So I just assumed nobody remembered anything from their childhood. I guess like if you don't talk to people about it, you just assume everybody else is the same way. So while I'm talking to my third business about it, she's like, you can't remember a birthday. I can't remember a birthday, not a birthday party. I barely remember the neighborhood. I don't remember nothing. You had siblings, right? I've got two step brothers. Two step brothers that were older than you? Both older. But how many years? You're asking me questions. I don't even know because everybody's so jacked up in my family and disconnected that I haven't talked to these people in 25 years. My cousin found me on Facebook and started sending me a couple of pictures from when I was a kid. Those are the only pictures I have. Now, your step brothers, were you ever in the same house with them?

9:11I live with my brother Andy for a little while, but my mom's first time I think I've ever heard his name. Oh, really? Yes, in here. Oh, kidding. Andy for a while here, but my mother gave up all three children at one point. She gave up my oldest brother to her first husband. She gave up the middle child to my dad's sister and then she gave me up to my dad. Wow. Sounds jacked up. And remember, this woman is a family therapist in New York City right now. A successful. A very successful family therapist. Good morning, Ryan. You're on cue 100. So bizarre. Yeah. Alright, man, what's going on? I don't mean to be a downer, man. I'm just. Oh, no, no. That's what made me call you. I mean, I'm going through the same exact thing. You just said about your wife. But I mean, my wife works at night. She's a dancer. She's been doing this for a couple of years now. I've got my two little girls. You know that I keep every single night from the time I walk through the door when I get off work till the time they go to bed. And I've been doing this for quite a long time. And she just got hooked on these prescription pills. And like you said, she is not going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to be able to do it. And I've been doing this for quite a long time.

10:12And she just got hooked on these prescription pills. And like you said, she is not the same person I married. I mean, she went from this sweet gorgeous woman to this absolutely hateful woman. You can't ask a question, too. This is the four times she's walked out the door and left me with these two little girls, regardless of how many times I've tried to take her back. And I just cannot figure out what to do about this. I can't question her. I can't ask her anything about it. I mean, if you mention it, bring it up. It's like somebody's going to attack you like a rabid dog. Yeah, I don't know how to, I can't give you any advice on it at all. I really can't because I don't think I handled it very well. So I wish I could say that there was some magic word to get her into therapy. But I don't have one. Stacey just figured out. I mean, I was always sort of hounding her. But the thing about my wife is this is that she's just such a strong person. That when she was telling me and I would bring up my concerns to her, she would tell me that she's not addicted. Like she could give it up in a second. And I just know her personality. When she tells me that, I believe her. And then one day she just decided that's it. No more.

11:12She couldn't actually get her prescription. She was in a different state. So she was forced to go without the pills. And it motivated her just to stop all together. So she went through three or four days of complete detoxing where she was shaking on a couch. And she was miserable. And she got out of it. And she hasn't gone back since the phrase. I can quit anytime I want to. That's the red flag phrase for anybody with any kind of addiction. I would say this that if I had to do it all over again, if I could give any advice to anybody that's going through this with their wife or their husband, I would say get involved immediately. Don't be scared. It's going to be ugly. They're going to argue with you. They're going to fight with you. But if I had to do it all over again, I would have manned up more about it. I would have said, you don't even realize what she... Her doctor's told her. Her mom told her. I told her. She's so damn strong and so damn proud. I thought, look, she's got to handle on everything. And I would have fought more. That's the only thing I would do differently. Hey, Carla, good morning. You're on Q100. My advice to vertus. Don't go. Don't do it. I don't know how bad it was,

12:12but there's a reason why you forgot things that you forgot. Well, it's definitely a fixum though. Yeah. And I'm not one to run away from stuff like that. I mean, I am the way I am right now. And I'm trying to make changes. And I think the only way you can do that is to be courageous about it. And this is something that I actually want to do now. I mean, it's still jog the memories and stuff that's like causing you pain now. Yeah. I want that. You know, I want to go around it. You have to have it. I want to knock on the door. I want to go around it. I'm not scared to go through. I want to go through it now. Just putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. You know, it's like, to me, it's the only thing I can think of because it's not going to heal that wound. And it's always going to be there. You just got to get in there, clean it out, and then it'll finally. And I think the only way to do that. I think the only way to do that. Stop moving. Stop getting infected. Stop getting infected. And I really think the only way to do that is to attack it head on. And if I don't do it, then I'm going to, I think regret the opportunity to do it because I'm just not up there all that often.

13:13So I might as well go through it. And then I'm supposed to go to a birthday party then. Oh, yay. That's the more interesting party though. Part of the whole group. Not that your mom have to go with you or is it just you by yourself? Just Stacy and I are going to go by herself. So I'll let you guys know how it goes on Monday morning. Hey, the bird show.