Train Your Brain, Transform Your Life: Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness & the Power of Choice

0:00Welcome to Living a Life by Design. It's the journey back to you and living 365 days of purpose with your host, Esther Graham. Did you know your accountability and possibility is by design? God designed a phenomenal life for you, gave you the gift of choice. Esther helps empower you to discover and pursue the purpose that is already in you. Are you ready to look at yourself and see your future? Then get back to what is really important in life and get an alignment with your true self. Stay tuned to Living a Life by Design. Journey back to you and start living 365 days of purpose with your host, Esther Graham. It all starts now. Hey everyone and welcome to Living your Life by Design with me, your host, Doctor Esther Graham. I'm so super excited that you made the decision. You made the choice to join us today. We have a very special guest today, a very good friend of mine.

1:02Well I consider him a very good friend of mine. We haven't, we met several years ago on motivating the masses campus. And we've gone through stages of development. I want to say personal development together, spiritual development. And it's just been phenomenal. So I am super excited to introduce to you a phenomenal coach Kevin Goins. And so Kevin, Coach Kevin, I want you to reintroduce yourself and tell us about what you are doing in the world. What's going on with you, Kevin? You know Esther, I'm glad you say we're close friends and we met at NTM because we've sat in some of those same transformation rooms. And I really think one of my assignments is, is how do you take all that information in the room and bring it to the owner Tuesday at 2.15 pm and when the conversation gets hard. So that's one of who I am, that's the work I've been doing. So for people who may not know me, I'm a speaker, transformational coach. I'm an author of emotional intelligence simplified.

2:02And what my work does, it helps people recognize the invisible patterns that may be shaping how we communicate, how we lead, how we make decisions. Especially when the emotions are high in life is just happening in real time. Because I know what it's like to lose your voice. But what I do is help people find theirs trusted and then use it to create a healthier choice when it really matters. Doesn't make sense. Yeah. I'm excited about what our conversation is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm excited because I especially talking about the emotional, you know, how, because in the times that we're living in right now, emotions are so high. Everything is going on. How do we really navigate, you know, how we're feeling emotionally? And I would, yeah, this is going to be a great conversation. Sidebar, y'all. So if you, some of you may think, oh, I recognize Kevin from somewhere, Kevin by trait, by college degree, let's say, is a pharmacist. Hmm. Right. Yeah. I've used like, you're like, oh, yeah, I forgot.

3:02I did. I did that. And at one point, he did a whole commercial that went nationally for Walmart pharmacy. So he's also excellent pharmacist, by the way. And how do I know that? Because I think one time I called him, I said, Kevin, the stock, he said, well, try this little, little bit. And so listening, y'all, it's always good to have people that you can reach out to just like that. And they have time to say, let me get back with you and tell you this. So that was my sidebar. All right, Kevin. Let's talk about it. Well, I call it the untrained brain versus a trained brain. And what happens is we, the way we're made, I'm sure you heard a fight flight of freeze when things happen, correct? Well, when the brain is untrained, that's exactly what it does. So if you're upbringing, you, you notice things happening and you were one that shut down, you may be one that freezes. Well, if you're also one that tends to run, when things happen, you may just take flight. So I mean, there's some people when they see things happen, they're ready to fight.

4:03So you pick your lane, but that's called the untrained brain. It's just the brain knows how to protect itself. And that's kind of what happens. However, what I call the trained brain is, once you recognize one of those three is who you are, that's how we do it automatically. Leadership begins the next step after, because you, you know, if there ever are people say, well, I woke up like this or that's just who I am. Or that way it is what it is. It's all the just the untrained brain speaking because they don't quite have language for how to do the next step of where my work begins. Yeah, does it make sense? Oh, it makes a lot of sense. Makes a lot of sense. I'm going to, I just want to do something real quick, y'all. I keep hearing things and I want to make sure that nothing is disturbed with this conversation. So that is exactly what the untrained brain. But here's the question though, many of us do this, but how do we now train our brain? Well, that's kind of where people work with people like me or different coaches.

5:03Sometimes they do it in therapy. But what happens is this, once you recognize this is how the brain works. So it's not your fault. What I'll tell people, it may not be your fault. That's how you use to sometimes get angry. You sometimes shut down. You sometimes run. That's not your fault, but it is your fight. So this is how we fight. Instead of just, you know, sometimes people, when we go again, a conference room, where we go to church is really good there. But how do you bring that over here? Well, it's a very simple step. The first thing you want to do is when you're in that mode, just take a breath or self-regulate. So either I actually rub off. Rub off your blue jeans or rub off your clothes just so you can repressence yourself. Because there's a little detexture of your clothes that you wear. And it just kind of make the brain begin to remember, oh, yeah, I'm going to present moment. After you recognize your back present, now, then and only then can the brain choose the next response. It's so good. Long as you're in that fight, fight or freeze, or I woke up like this.

6:05And you don't recognize that there is another choice, which is what I teach people. There is a choice. You may think this is how it is and you have no choice. I always want to bring people back. In fact, there's a verse in church, bringing every thought until the beatings of Christ. I teach you how to bring that thought so that you can reclaim the mind, make the next leadership decision. And even when it may not feel good, you know what things you need to do or say. Yeah, that's it. Bring it under subjection. Teach you how to do that. And then when you know what to do, you know what to do and say. One of the things that I do, like when it's like things get, I pose my eyes and I just begin to take deep breaths. Because that just brings me back to be very present and brings me back to just calm. Bring this back to say, okay, let me now think of the, this is the decision I need to make or these are my next steps. And so I, and I guess that's the train brain. I'm just, I'm trained. Well, you know, right. Okay, let me just, let me just, the other thing sometimes I do is just what you said.

7:08Sometimes I'll just, you know, like I'll tap my side. You know, I'll just, yeah, I'll just tap my side. Nothing. Okay. I love that. And I did it. I did it workshop. So again, when it shows up like this, I woke up like this. How does that look at work in your life? How does that look when you're leading teams of people and now you, I woke up like this or it is what it is. No, no, no, no, you just ran out of language and now you need training. So I just did a walk on a wall, a couple of weeks ago and we actually did a lot of work on this. But learning how to go woke up like this and go, oh, no, there's, there are other things you can do. But I want you to know, Esther, sometimes we can repressions ourselves. And that's a really great thing. But what happens when the emotion takes over and is not going to stop is not going to release you. And you're still angry and you don't done all the breasts. You didn't pray to all the prayers and you're still mad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You may have heard this, you know, we work in Motivated Massive Different Rooms.

8:09We heard it by creating safety. Well, sometimes what if you're still not safe and the interaction is still there? You got the customer front of you or you got the teammate going at you. This is why I teach people, if you know you're not safe, it's still okay to back up and allow someone else to have that, that time and let them take over for you. And if that's not available, just let them know. Let me get back with you. Let me just, let me just recenter myself, but you do get an opportunity. If you know you're not safe, when do you engage? And if you can get yourself back, there's great. But when do you at least recognize I cannot, that's still emotional intelligence working when you step back. A lot of somebody else to have that space and you not damaged the person with what you're already carrying. Yeah. So let me ask a question. So if you have this leader, let's say you have this leader, someone that you're working with. And you're talking about these things, but they're just always, they always see the class have empty. It's always negative, but it's not just, well, it's always been like this for me. Well, they're not going to change.

9:10So, you know, how do you begin to work with that? Where it's like, instead of me always seeing the positive or something, but okay, this can do it. It's always negative. And I've got to wrap my brain around this. I've got to do this. I've got to do that. I love this. I love that question. So one of the first things I would do, since you're asking me the first thing, I'm going to say I would first challenge it where it always I just heard it used to it. And so what I like to do is when I'm hearing always never, that's what we call that language that it never gives people another choice. We put them in a bucket with judgment, and it's done. So I like to replace always with curiosity. So there are some frameworks. In fact, I was teaching easy on these frameworks as well, because they deal with people where it's like, I'm tenured. I've been here for 25 years. It's been like this. That's how it's going to be. And those people can scare you or they can make you just so angry you want to turn it on. Get rid of them. Whatever you got to do. But there is a way to finally see someone. And what I want you to consider is this, again, when they're untrained, because like you or not, we may be in person development.

10:13Other leaders that go through courses, they're in person development. What do you do with this person that I don't even know what that is? And even if they did go, but it was a splash in the face because it didn't even get in go in. Yeah. This is what we want to train. We want to trade the words always never have to into words. Yeah. What would it look like if? If I had this word, I have this phrase, I like to work with people. Tell me about that. So tell me about that is a framework that I developed that actually shows curiosity. There's five part framework that goes from the surface. To as you ask in questions, you get a more curious. And now you're finding out where they're coming from because those people, as you know, there may be angry on the outside of very. But what are they protecting? What are they hurting from? What do they feel for? So when you ask how do people go from? I woke up like this to learning how to become emotional intelligent. They're frameworks to get people curious to also recognize when they're in that state, they're in an untrained brain.

11:17And my job is not to get triggered by their trigger. My job is to stay over here and get curious. So you become a mirror. So they see themselves not get judged by us. I love that to get curious. So you become a mirror so they could see themselves and not be judged by us. And so that is just so powerful. We're going to continue this conversation on exactly how because one of the things that we want to do when you guys are finished listening to this podcast, you're going to have some steps that you know what this is what I can begin immediately. So we will be right back with coach Kevin. Welcome back everyone again. We're so super excited that you made the choice to join us today with my very special guest coach Kevin and we are all we're speaking about leadership. We're speaking about emotional intelligence. We're speaking about how do we handle our emotions?

12:17What's going on? What's up for you? What does it feel like? And so get your notepads and your pens and make sure that you're jotting down the nuggets that coach Kevin is sharing. Also make sure that you share this podcast to everyone put it on your social media. Let your friends listen to it. Your loved ones. Okay. Because this is powerful. Good. Life changing transformational conversation that beginning today. It can absolutely change your life. So coach Kevin, let's continue our conversation. Right. So I give an example of the other one. I was actually using it. Tell me about that with someone. And I was not even their leader. I just know how to you heard the phrase manager manager. I just manage all around. And what is the person they were arguing literally going at each other. And I'm going right now. There's just three of us and you two are fighting. I brought one of them over and said I'm noticing that. And I just gave my observation. Tell me about that. And of course, I'm always expecting the surface. Try to go a little bit deeper.

13:17You know, I'm very disappointed because when I look at who you are and I see how powerful I know you can be. But you're choosing to act this way. Tell me about that. All of a sudden the tears came the floodgates. And here's why it's so important. I'm not looking for surface behavior. I know there's a trigger or something deeper is happening. I'm looking for what are you bringing into this place that maybe you didn't know how to leave at the door. And it turns out they were already fighting on a previous shift. They were already fighting on any other. And she started whaling and crying. And I paused for a moment. I just finished got it all out. And I just reminded her it's okay to be emotional. And I want you to feel that come and let me know if that's where you are. But let me remind you as a leader. Your emotion does not have to run the microphone of your life right now. And right now is just you and him going at it. And I can't get a word in edgewise. So you can be emotional before allowing it to choose your next step. Whether it's your face, whether it's your attitude, whether it's how you do whatever you do.

14:20It's okay. But shoot. Recognize the emotion is happening. Let me teach you how to do this without it overcoming you. Because now I don't recognize you. And she lost it. But I at the very end can I get your commitment now that we're here. You go through this. I'm going to invite you to come and see me. Let's talk about before you take a whole house down. Can we do that? Can I get your commitment? So there's a way to be a mirror. Get curious, gain a commitment, but get to the truth. Because then again, you could be emotional, but it doesn't have to have the microphone and tear down the house. Yeah. Yeah. So good. So good. It doesn't have to have to have the microphone to tear down the house. And as you said, the key is to get to that. To get to what's beneath. You said something earlier before we took a break that there's steps that you use. Right? Yeah. Share with us some of those steps that you use. What did you do? It was very conversational, but it's a. Okay.

15:20Good. That's why I'm stating the observation. What am I noticing? See, most times many leaders tend to judge. You always do this. And I'm hearing. And when you hear certain words of. Always never need. Have to. You're no longer stating what you observe. Now you're putting it in. What you used to see. And now just. Am I paying you? Sometimes we throw them away. No, no, no. What I'm noticing is this. You're acting out. You're arguing. Here's some of the words I hear you saying. Your face is distorted. Your eyebrows are like this. Tell me about what I'm seeing. Notice I haven't done anything, but describe the body. And I'm. I'm. Usually they're isolated. I'm a call him. He's. All right, well. I'm awful. He's got a little bit côhn. I'm a call. I've got trouble with him. I don't know whether that's intentional or not. You go by that way. When I get completely. Ed Sheeran, after collecting, you look since you had. I've made the room, I always get it right. You call me when I'm watching you. I girls are not in the. You can play your hockey later. Yeah. You are bad.

16:20I gotta. You know what? Compared to you, but. I know. You're right. I'll. This one area, something has happened is, I'm not sure what you're choosing, but I see you stepping down into something. I don't recognize it. I don't prefer to tell me about it. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm doing down, right now. You don't have to be that mirror so they can see. Ain't it good? Yeah, no, that's great. So then from that point, where do you take them? You know, once they're... Well, because the surface always is gonna come out. This one ain't gonna blame people, they're gonna throw... It's their phone and this happens. I'm expecting that first one, but when I go down a little bit deeper, comparing who I know themselves to be the highest and best version with what I'm seeing right now in the present moment that don't match. I have to be the mirror so they can see the dichotomy of who they are and now they have to describe it to me. Yeah. Now think about it. We go to conferences, what do we wanna do?

17:21I wanna be my husband, best self. Every year we really want to do that when there's no pressure, when there's no stress. That's what we wanna be our husband, best self. But when we show up like at the bottom of the barrel and we wanna be our husband, best self, now there's incongruence and that literally disrupts and discomboblates the brain. Leaders know that so again, that's what my work trains leaders learn to expect this, but when we put them together, yeah, see who they wanna be with who they're becoming in this moment. That's when they short circuit and now you can go a little bit deeper to get what's really going on out of them. So it is a process. Yeah. All of this must be wrapped in compassion. And here's what compassion means in regular words. Do you remember the time when you acted out just like this and maybe you and not this polished leader you are today? Cause I know I do. There were times where my mom would have me do things and I'm just, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Because I didn't know. You got the untrained brain before we learned. And then somewhere along all this person development,

18:21church, whatever the aha moment is, all of a sudden we went from untrained to trained, but just don't forget, you're always dealing with people who may not be where you are. In fact, I love this. I always have my little pencil. We all have a starting line. Some of us are really fast-alone transformation. Some of us are still at the starting line. Some of us may be right here. So don't get so high-minded that you all of a sudden close and turn your back on who you once were. Not them, but who were you when you were over here? That keeps me grounded and compassionate. But also I can still be powerful and authentic when I'm asking questions. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I love it. So we're going from the untrained brain, right? To the trained brain. And what I want to add here is that many times we think, oh, this is so hard to do. When really it's not hard to do, it's very intentional. You do have to be very intentional about it. And it doesn't happen overnight. So let's talk about that just a bit, right? You've got to do the work. I mean, I've got to do, I like to call it,

19:22you've got to do the inner work. Well, you know what I say when the highest version of themselves meeting in place a moment. So one of the things that kept, I call my work is called Kevin O'Wiz. I don't know if you know what OS means. It's the operating system. So you have the iPhone has an iOS while I have Kevin O'Wiz. My operating system. I got what happens is this, every now and then when I meet leaders or people, we tend to need an update. So I want you to see this Esther. When I'm inviting them to see the highest version who you think you want to be versus what you're doing, here's what my work is a little different. I help make the invisible visible. What are those old programming that have you acting like this? So if I can help surface them, you can choose. So here's something very powerful. I want you to get this. I don't care how often you go to church. I don't care how you go to conferences. If you can't see what's running your life, you will still get out there and run to the club or run to the, I'll be the one to go. It's run forever.

20:23And do whatever you go to that thing, it doesn't really matter. So here's what I love about my Kevin O'Wiz work does. I reveal what's running you and say, here's the old programming. You see it now. Is it working for you? Yeah. Change. Yeah. Oftentimes, that's when people are in tears because they didn't even know it was there. Again, that's where bringing every thought into their bringing some first comes in. But how do you do that? There is a process that's where Kevin O'Wiz comes in. And I'll tell you, it's a back in the day, like I didn't wake up. I didn't wake up like this. I had my own operating system of these. Most of my life scriptures. So there are little scriptures I would have. There's one I remember when I was a child. It was probably four and 13. Take fast all the instruction. Let her not go. Keep her pushy is a life. So when people see me typing fast, but they see me, I did something one day. And now, all of a sudden, I may be running it the next day. It's because that proverb is an operating system running my life.

21:24There's another one. So when I'm with the celebrities, I work with Lisa Nichols. But I know how to work with people that are in high positions, but keep myself grounded. I don't remember the past but again, I was at nine years old. We need the proverb over and over again. But there's a proverb, 25, I think in six that says, put not forth yourself in the presence of the king. Don't put yourself on his love on paraphrasing. That means if the king is here, don't put yourself up here. You don't belong there. It's better that the king or queen says, hey, you come here and they call you up. But if you don't do that and you put yourself there, it's better. You don't want to be put down in front of the princes of all the folks who know where you are because they'll be very embarrassing. So I learned long ago that when I'm with people, how do you treat folks who may be in a different position? How do I stay here, still lead myself, but not try to crowd them or put myself there and be invited to the table at the appropriate time. So each one of my little in my Kevin OS, my operating system just got updates on occasion.

22:26Most of the updates will stick every now and then eight, four, but I invite myself on how do I return back to me? Yeah. And since you're talking about Kevin OS and you're talking, I love that Kevin OS, the operating, because we all have our operating system in which we operate that takes the lead. And sometimes we have to discover what that operating system is. But since you spoke about that and we're speaking about the mind now and the things that guided you, scriptures from even a child, one of those, one of the scriptures, and I guess, you know, we're about to take a break, y'all, and then we'll come back and talk about this more. But I'm going to drop it right here is the renewing of the mind. Transformation begins with the renewing of the mind. And that's the scriptures. And this isn't, listen, everyone. This isn't, this is just good practice. Whether you believe like I believe or believe like Kevin believes or you believe like something else, right? This is just good life practice. It is. You know, this is, if you can capture some of this stuff,

23:29it will guide your life to success, to joy, to peace, in the middle of chaotic things many times. You can really revert to your OS. Yes. Or use the Kevin OS or whatever, because it's going to guide you. So let's take a quick break. And we're going to come back and talk about the renewing of the mind, which is something that's continual. It doesn't start and then boom, it stops. And we've got evidence of that, am I right? Yes. So we'll come right back and talk about that. Welcome back, everyone, to live in a light by design. With me, your host, Dr. Estebraa, and my very special guest, Coach, Kevin, so super excited again to have you here. We are talking about Kevin OS, which I really like. I like that, right? Kevin's operating system. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. I'm going to be a great speaker. Kevin's operating system, what he has developed, implemented,

24:32have results on that. Listen, y'all, again, take notes, share the podcast, listen to the podcast over and over again, so you can really get and internalize a lot of this, right? And so, Kevin, you were talking about some of the things that you use in scriptures, that you reminded yourself and what you're doing. I love this conversation because it's very real, it's very practical, it's very doable. One of my favorite scriptures, which is really what I have based my coaching program on overall, is be transformed by the renewing of your mind, because meaning that our mind always have to be renewed to do some things. And so, I want you to talk about that, because part of what you're doing, what you are doing, not part, is that you're saying, you know, Kevin, OS is know you're operating system, but our mind has to be renewed because we're going from untrained brain to the train brain. Which there is a difference. So, let's talk about that a bit. I love that. Well, first of all, I need you to know this. The Kevin operating system, that's my mind

25:33and where it gets in that big. It is built on the scripture and proverbs and all that getting, getting understanding. Yes. The reason why this is important, it allows me to stay compassionate when people are fighting me, they're delining me, or it's really, really going hard. And I'm feeling this energy that I may or may not be able to control, even in those moments, Esther, and all that getting Kevin, first getting understanding before you judge, first getting understanding before you blame, first getting understanding before you project, first getting understanding for you label and throw them away, first getting understanding before you fire them, first getting understanding before you write them up. This is why this is so important. So, my mind is built off of that one verse right there. But what I love is this, in order to renew your mind, sometimes you first have to figure out what's running your mind. You cannot renew what you cannot see, which is why this work is so important. How do I make the invisible visible so you can begin to choose?

26:33So, what I love about this is, I'm not giving people any new words. I'm not giving them any new things they need to do, have to do, should do it, would do. I invite them to first see what's in there and then say, if you don't like the results that it's creating, would you like to reprogram, rechange, reshape, repurpose, redevelop, redeploy? That's the best part. So, it's not giving somebody scripts or frameworks. My work allows people to first see who they are, see what they like. I mean, how do I do this again? I give you an example, what you guys may have made I know is, I'm polytaining, it's their Walmart and some other companies, but they have field research. We did a workshop, it was three hours. But the work begins when a workshop is over. Amen. The workshop, you know, as to we're always in church and conferences and different places. It's academic, we're a slamming spirit, we're all in the transformation, we're crying, that's great. All the things. What do you do at 2, is it at 2.15 PM? That's 2.15. Everybody has a worksheet and here's what they had to do.

27:34All I want you to do is say, five conversations. And your job is to find out where was your emotion flaring and just notice what happened. So the worksheet has different things on it. They have to observe the emotional behavior in there. Observe what did they do? Because we taught them how to see them visible. We gave them different language, gave them frameworks and now they get to write down, did you do it? But they also get to write down, if you didn't do it, could you come back? Meaning that how many times has to do we, have you ever said something that you, oh my God, I wish I would have said that, I needed to. So I built in what's called the 100%. I built in what's called the power of return. And for anybody listening, I want you to listen to see this. We've all seen the movies with the astronaut. We've all seen the spaceship and you always see that they are what's called tethered. They're tied to the spaceship. So if you'll see sometimes on a movie, they're working in space, they're doing whatever and all of a sudden, either get hit by something or there's a motion that pushes them out of her, hurtling in space and then,

28:35she has to go out of the bounds, boom, the terror comes in place and they're coming back to the mothership. Well, the power of the return invites people to know, you are human. I don't care how much we trained you in this workshop. I don't care how great you are, you will mess up. There is no, I'm gonna mess up, I could mess up, it's possible. And no, no, no, no, you're gonna mess up. But I built in what's called the power of return because that's the next time, Timothy, one day this lady was staring at me and I hate being stared at and she was like this. And I'm looking back like, and she's old lady, I'm like older lady, I'm like who is this and what? And I saw myself do this back. And right when I got my old attitude, I said to myself, you coach people, now I'm looking ahead, you coach people, you coach yourself, you build workshops, you're building this whole sea-different campaign and you are staring at this woman. If you don't get a hold of yourself and not a little bit coached myself out of it and went to the counter and said, hey, how are you? What's going on?

29:36She lit up like a Christmas tree, we had a great interaction. So I had to forgive myself in the moment, catch myself, do the return, have a human connection and then we salvage the relationship. So that means there are so many times you're going to mess up but you also get the chance to come back. That's what the president said. So good, so good, so good, so good, that's so good. I'm excited about that. You need more of the mind. Oh yeah, you should be, that's good stuff, that's good stuff. Renewing up the mind. Yes. Let's talk about that. So more, let's go deeper with that. Got it, got it, again, the mind is untrained. So in my opinion, in order to renew the mind, you can learn all the things and that helps to a degree because in safe academic spaces, it works. So if you're constantly saying, you know how we write down our mantras and we say, I'm every day, that's great. I wouldn't say that's cute, but it is very helpful. But that's not the only part of renewing out of mind.

30:37In order to renew the mind, you also have to sometimes deconstruct what's got the mind under arrest. That's fine. We're going to have to go under the hood because you up here with the mantra, I got to go under the hood that may be taking that mantra and throwing you in a ditch, taking that mantra and making you say, to heck with that mantra, I'm about to light her up. So there's some things that the renewing out of mind needs a little, we got to go here and first see the invisible pattern shaped in your life, allow you to recognize them and then, do you like that? Oh, would you like to do different? That's where the see different work comes in. Look at my face. You see different all over the place because I'm inviting them. See yourself a little differently. Yeah, I love that because when you think about exactly what you said, we could always speak about renewing up the mind, but we first need to find out what's the pattern where we are. That's why. And it both worked together. That's why sometimes we go around the same mountain over and over again for 40 years and 30 nights because nobody looked under the sea.

31:38You're a tether to old program that maybe you don't like or prefer, but is there? Does it make sense to me? Let's just show up. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. What does it look like? What does it look like? When I was younger, I was bullied in tees, right? So it was just one of those people. And I didn't fight back. I actually believe what they said. So I grew up shy. I grew up shut down. I grew up quiet. This podcast here, no, ma'am, going into companies and doing workshops. Oh, I knew this stuff, but I would never do this stuff. And let me tell you why. Because in my mind, the old programming said what they said was true. So I held myself back. I let some of the loud mouth wrong people be in charge. And I knew the answer. I wouldn't say anything because I believed them. And for years and decades, I believed them. Let me show you what they look like in leadership. Ask to have you ever, either you or maybe witness it, how many times in leadership, we're supposed to go and have that hard conversation, but we don't.

32:41Let me just keep working and do busy doing stuff like this. Let me pray that it's just going to go away. We're protecting ourselves and not going in and having that hard conversation. Because the old programming here at 9 is now running your leadership at 32. You didn't wake up like that. You're tethered to something. You may not be able to see my jobs and have not been visible. Or, and I actually did this. I was at Metcola. I never forget. I had these three people. I didn't like their attitude because they reminded me of the bullies when I was younger. And I would find myself doing other things. There was no renewing on a mind. I went to church every day, every week. There was no church that could help me. I did all the conferences, all the things, nothing helped because I would not go to find out what I was tethered to. So until I actually went there and said, hold on, I got to see there's something invisible. Hold on me back. And then when I looked at it, I said, hold on for the nine year old is driving the 32 year old. Do you want that to continue? No, because I'm getting a ditch. No, because I can't leave my team. No, because we're not being productive.

33:41Because I let this guy get away with murder. This one say whatever he wants to say. And now this one threatens the team and everything feels dangerous. No, sir. No, sir. So I had to first go and handle me because what was bleeding up, what was hurting me here as a young advance, this is what it says, if you don't heal the past, it will bleed and stain the present moment. It was aint in my leadership and making us unproductive so we could not do what we're supposed to do because Kevin was tethered to something invisible. Yeah, it's so funny. I remember when I did one of my retreats and there was someone that came, beautiful, person, wonderful, but when I was up there doing the work, I mean, they triggered me. They triggered me and I was like, God, this is, I literally had to, at the end of every workshop, first of all, I had to like, here I'm the facilitator. And this person is triggering me

34:42and I really had to go into the tools that I had, but one of the things I had to go back and do is, why is this person triggering me like this? And I mean, they were, their attitude was triggering me. What they said or didn't say was triggering me and what they represented from what I can see or what I can see or what I thought was triggering me. And so finally, I went after like day two, I had to go back and say, you know, go back and do the, why is this triggering me? And I did, I began to do, use my tools, do the work I had, I began to pray, I said, God, what is, and it was like, boom, I knew exactly why it was. And again, I had to, that's when you discover, oh, no, this is why this is triggering me. And when I discovered it, realized it, it's like, oh, I thought I released this. Right, right, right, I loved it. But I did not. And so what I had to do then, the next day, once I, you know,

35:43I went back and I changed some things. And can I tell you, I began that workshop in a totally different way and that same person who was triggering me, broke down in tears. But you did the work first. And even just sharing this, you're making invisible visible, so your listeners can hear it. They can see a strong leader who's facilitating still, and I would say not just ensuring you triggering an old programming that was installed in you at a certain time and life. Come on, come on, come on. The trigger, how do we go back and hit the update to just update the programming? Just like you would do with your phone, where's my phone? We will always go and make sure these phones get updated all the time. But how do we sometimes go back and update this? That's the work I do. I love that. And yeah, and the trigger was from when I was younger. The trigger was, I was like, whoa, you know, it's not your fault, but it is your fight. Does it make sense? It's not your fault, but it's a programming fight. But it's our fight to work through it. Or it will continue to show up in conversations,

36:47it will be avoiding, it will be performance not changing, complex repeating, or leadership not happening to its fullest extent. And we just make up what I woke up like this. No, you did. I woke up, I can't change. Because it's been like this for years. You did not wake up like that. That's what the bottom of the stronghold. I believe that was not true. That's allowed to be dormant. We cover it. We believe it. It becomes more alive. And now it becomes our truth. That's a stronghold. We gotta go get that thing. We gotta go get it. And we gotta pull it up from the root. We have to pull it. But here it is. The first thing, as you said, is making a visible self-awareness. This is what it is. Yes, yes, yes. But it was just amazing. And like I said by day three, she just broke down. And then from that point on, it was great. Transformation was able to take place. But as you said, it happens, you have to work on you first. Exactly. And I love this. So even with the Walmart people, what we're talking about right now, see, this is really great conversation. But here's what happens to you at 2.15 PM. Because they have these workshops and they have to do this for 30 days.

37:48And we're gonna circle back. The biggest thing I'm doing, Esther is making sure that when Kevin walks into a room, they're not dependent on Kevin when I walk out that door. See, the reason why I started working the first place is how many times I spent 14,000, 15,000, 9,000, 75, 100. And when I left, I could not repeat what I just heard. That was a great experience. But I'm like, what is this? So I do know. How do I make the wisdom available when Kevin walks out that door? But it continues, it sustains, it builds, it grows, and it pracks. Because if we can do that, then the organization becomes more efficient, more profitable. But even more importantly, more human. And then we have a way to talk about when things happen, have a way to just, even when you do stuff like this, even some of your best terminations, they will thank you in a termination. Because they are realized, this is something I cannot deal with. You treated me with compassion. I thank you for it. And I think I'm going to leave. I actually had somebody do that before. I had a termination with it really, really hard. But because I had the compassion and this built,

38:48it was your two, 15 p.m. language, they saw themselves. And sometimes you can't commit. There has to be a real choice. If I cannot commit to what's necessary, you see the next step. And that person almost terminated themselves in my termination meeting. Yeah, that's right. It's great of this. It's, oh, it's powerful. So listen everyone, we're about to take a quick break. And we'll be right back. And when we come back, we'll continue our conversation. I'd like to talk a little bit about language. You know, what's the language? Yeah. So we'll be right back. Hey, everyone. Thank you for being with us again today and living your life by design. Listen, I believe that God has created all of us with a life by design. And we have to choose to step into it. And how do we do that? We do by choosing what to do with our brain, how we think, how we feel all of this. And today, that's really what our conversation is about.

39:50It's about training the untrained brain. It's about our emotional intelligence. It's about making the choices that's going to catapult us to success in our life. Something that should be ongoing, because why we were created in the first place to be successful. And so that's what we want to do. So Coach Kevin is here with us. And he's going to talk to us now about maybe some language that we can use. And tell us a little bit about how we can also connect with them. Because guys, y'all know, I'm always sharing. This could be a good fit for you. And if it's a good fit for you, reach out to him and get what exactly what you need. And don't waste any time because your life is worth it. Your worth it. So Coach Kevin, let's continue our conversation. Sure. Well, before we talk about language, we got to first talk about your face. And here's what I mean. I just did a post this week that says, when your face left the meeting. I have to talk about you. I don't know about you. But I mean, and this is what leaders go through. How many times we may have to have a conversation, but your face, your lips, your body language, your hands,

40:52just how you're posturing a tone, you're already left, even though you're seeing the right things, but they're not feeling safe because your face is on the left the meeting. Yeah, that whole post is out this week on social board. I love about that as this. Before we can talk about language, first I have to find out, are you a safe space? If you're not a safe space, again, decide to be your meeting. Yeah, because you're a leader, does not mean it needs to happen at that time, if you don't have control of yourself. Got to say, 100% is a time and a place for everything. And this may not be your time. However, let's say that it is your time. There are times where sometimes it could be a hard conversation. We have to do something we don't want to do, but it must be done. So one of the things I do in this workshop, I'm doing with Walmart is this, it's called a knowledge plus and plus choice. There are times where in their pharmacies and the vision centers, they have these conversations that are not easy. What happens when a prescription is not there? What happens when the glasses don't come in

41:53and they're not delivered when I was promised? What happens when my doctor wrote the prescription, yeah, but cost $3,000 because it's not on your plane. And then I'm trying to hear all of that. They're upset, they're mad, and they're just screaming at you. So when this is conversation when you're on fire, when you got real people, you can't control them, how do I begin to take control and influence where knowledge plus and plus choice is so powerful? Here's what it looks like. You always acknowledge the human. Because if you really listen, stop trying to always, let me get my words right because they're coming at me. Don't do that, don't do that. Again, we got to train a leader how to begin to add this conversation. But when you're in position, right? You know how to acknowledge them. Here's what a knowledge of it looks like. I give an example. You guys probably heard about the Zep Bounds and everybody's losing weight. And there's a lot of those that are not covered on the insurance plan. So you may get $1,300, doctor went to script, but it's not on your plane. Nobody trying to hear all of that. So when they're coming in, they're just upset, they're angry, and sometimes you can just hear the staff going, well, it's not covered or you have to wait. Nobody's trying to, they're just like,

42:54ah, I don't want to get caught. It's how you stop a fight. Acknowledge them. You know what, if I were you, this is acknowledgement. If I were you, I think I'd be upset to your doctor with the prescription, right? Yes. And you know you need it for your body, right? Yes. If I were you, I'd probably be mad too. Stop talking. That's acknowledgement. All you're pulling is parenting back the emotion or feeling you're hearing. That's acknowledgement. And do not ever say but, but contradicts everything you just did. So it was a knowledge. You say, and here's the process. You can have the people of choice, I like them, bear choice in our language. You may happen today. It just may cause you $1300 for one box or $3,300 the way the doctor wrote it for three boxes. Or if you like, you could also wait on the way the doctor negotiated price with the insurance, which would you prefer $3,300 today? Or would you like to wait on the process? Once the person knows you acknowledge their anger, you said, and then you gave them an embedded choice,

43:54all you're doing now is giving a favor. So good. Don't fight you. But if you go, you can't have this, it's too expensive. That's what I hear. You probably can't afford this. And I mean, I'm like, why are you guys fighting and getting in their wallet? Get out of their wallet, acknowledge it, and then give them a choice. Yeah. They were the glasses. We got the optical center. Well, you said the glasses were gonna come in. Acknowledge it. Yes, and I did say that. And if I were you, I'd probably be a little upset too. I can tell you wouldn't come here unless you really need them, right? Well, yeah, there's your knowledge. And may I tell you a truth? Get permission. So I like to embed choice and permission in the last part. And here's where we are. What may happen is this, they're not here. However, here are the options I can do. Which would you prefer? Stop talking. Yeah. That is that's language when you're on fire. If you know how to do it, acknowledge and and choice. Oh my God, people love that. So they're doing a workshop now. We come back in 30 days, and now we have to go back and find out what worked. Where did you sometimes not do it?

44:56What did you turn? And where did you go? You know what, I'm just on fire. Oh, what did you just completely forget? And the whole thing is don't judge yourself. Just observe yourself and write it down. That's how you began to lead the wisdom. So it was no longer with me, but I imparted into them. That makes sense? May, oh, God, I'm just going forward to the language. Yeah, I'm much more sure. Yeah, but is that kind of language? Not script to memorize. I showed them how to deal with humans when they're on fire or show them how to deal with humans when you're not together. Show them how to deal with humans. When you notice something going on, how do I step back? Do I step back? So that leadership must happen so we sustain the relationship. Show how to deal with that Tuesday at 2.15 pm. There you go. I got you. That's it. So go during the conference and bring it at 2.15. So it's hot right? Ready to go. It's right, right to go. So do the girls. So good. Yeah, so so good. I love the conversation. So Kevin, tell us a little bit about how we can connect with you.

45:57How my audience, how they can connect with you. Just and then just share whatever it is that you would like to share. Because as I said earlier, when they're listening to this, these are things that they could listen and implement a SAP. Like you can literally put it into your and that's one of the goals of living a life by design. It's not giving you tools that always sound the future. You know, this is right now very present. What can you do right now to make a change in your life? So my website is brilliantleadershipacademy.com. So there you can go and see everything. But if you're on Facebook or LinkedIn, the way my name is now Kevin El Goins. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, you can find me on Twitter, LinkedIn, and any one of those social channels I'm out there. YouTube is out there as well. But it's a lot of content so you can see what it looked like to the 2.0 to 15 p.m. to take something that you may not know how to do and make it work tomorrow. That's the whole goal. How do I put this right now?

46:59Right now. And so everyone, make sure that you're listening to this podcast that you're listening to over and over again, and that you share. And I also want to put out there that went with his information will also be in the podcast to where you can get it, where you could just pull it up. You could click on the link. Everything will be there to make it just really easy for you. I also want to add because Kevin, he did not say this. And we did mention at the beginning that he is a speaker. He's a transformational speaker. He's an excellent speaker, as you can see. But he also, as he's mentioned, he's done trainings for a corporate but he does leadership training. So if you're entrepreneur or you're a CEO or anything like that and you need some leadership training for your team, then let me just highly recommend Kevin to you. I've seen his work, I've watched him operate. It is phenomenal. And so, and I'm super excited that he would just take the time out of his busy schedule to join us today. So Kevin, thank you, thank you so, so much.

48:00I appreciate you. It's so good to see you again. We'll have to see you again soon. Go ahead. I love this. I love to leave your listeners with just a 30 second Tuesday, a 2 p 15 p.m. advice. Yes. For the listener listening right now, you want to put this in action tomorrow. Even today, here's what I'll leave you with. If you're accounting a conversation that you don't know how to lead, maybe the conversations with your partner, your spouse, your loved one, your child, a work, first, here's what I want you to do. You begin by finding a moment where you protect in yourself. Here's what protection looks like. You're shutting down or you're arguing or you're trying to do whatever you see is that's protection. Where are you protecting yourself? And then just write down, what did you see in you? Nothing. What did you see in you? What did you decide that it meant in that moment? Is it me? How do you judge that moment? And then what do you do next? Once you can see the pattern and make it visible, now you can work with something. That's how you first start with.

49:00Yeah. I love it. I love it. Good advice. Good advice, everyone. Thank you so much for joining us today on Living a Life by Design. I can't wait to see you next time. Take care. And God bless. Bye. Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. I appreciate it. You have been listening to Living a Life by Design, the journey back to you and living 365 days of purpose with host Esther Graham. Listen or watch live every second and fourth Friday at 11 a.m. Pacific on TransformationTalkRadio.com. Discover that what is possible is already in you. God designed a phenomenal life for you. Esther helps you ignite that energy behind your personal journey for a deeper joy and peace, living 365 days of purpose. For more information on Living a Life by Design, visit FDDwomen.com.