The 2026 gray zone of modern romance

0:00Discussion keeps the world turning. This is Round Table. This is Round Table. I'm Steve Hatherley today with Yushan and Yangya. Coming up, in a relationship we used to know what crossed the line. Now it is a hidden text, a dating app you're still on, or a friend your partner has never heard of. A new survey of 2,000 people reveals just how blurry the boundaries have become. If you're not familiar with the term microdating, you will be sued. You can find us at Round Table China on Apple Podcasts and don't forget that we love to hear from you too. So you can send us an email or a voice note. You can share your thoughts on any of the things that we discuss here on the show. Here's how you do that, Round Table Podcast at qq.com. All right, well here we are in 2026 and modern dating has a bit of a new face.

1:00Or does it? I don't even know. But I think Yushan and Yangyang, if you asked someone to define, you know, not being loyal to your partner 20 years ago, it might be a pretty short list of what that actually means. But not today, because today the term micro cheating has appeared in Western culture and in Chinese culture, by the way, it's popped up on social media. And here we are talking about it on Round Table today. So let's find out exactly what micro cheating is and whether we're breaking any rules that we shouldn't be. Well, yeah, well, it's definitely a juicy word, micro cheating and your right Steve. Before smartphone and social media, the boundaries of a relationship is like a physical wall. You're either in silence or you climb overhead. But now with the development of the technology, smartphone, social media, that kind of like physical wall is gradually shifting into a gray zone.

2:01So instead of saying that, oh, you're cheating, you're cheating on me. Or like, oh, you're good, you're a nice guy or girl. We have this new word micro cheating and does not mean that full blown affairs. It kind of actually captured the essence of secretive digital behaviors that can cross the line in romantic relationship. Well, think about private messaging or like social media interactions that a partner never sees. This is what we call micro cheating in a general way. I think that's why we need to talk about this today. Because yeah, social media has definitely changed the game. You're interacting with strangers a lot. If you're very active on social media, you could be interacting with strangers a lot. And what happens within those conversations, if it's a little flirty, that might be considered a micro cheat could happen at the office as well. And these are things that people sometimes take offense to. A little bit universal, I think.

3:03But let's find out. So what exactly is the definition here? What are some good examples of that? Well, some good examples. We can include so many later on. Just for a quick definition, I think Yang Yang has wrapped up pretty well just now. It's just a new vocabulary around relationship that's generally used to describe small, often secretive behaviors that may not amount to a traditional affair, but still can kind of cross the boundary or be in the gray area and cost people to feel uncomfortable about trust issue, especially between intimate relationships. They did a survey in the United States. And take this with a grain of salt. And that grain of salt is American culture. But still, they asked people about flirtatious texting. 41% said maintaining an ongoing flirtatious text conversation with someone other than your partner counts as cheating. 41% said that. Do you agree with that?

4:03Well, definitely agree. This obvious is already flirtatious taxing. So why? It's definitely cheating. I think it's the very interesting labeling here. If you've already defined it as flirting text, flirtatious text, then that counts as cheating. But a lot of the times microcheating appears or emerges when people don't know if they're flirting or not. Or if they think they're just lively, like, you think they're branding you or then I'm not really flirting with you. I'm just laying around. Do you think people don't know when they're flirting or not? Or am I already justifying for this group because I'm not part of that group? Let me ask you a question. The same question. Do you think that people don't know when they're flirting? No. I mean, like, the person doing the flirting themselves, they might not know it. But for the person who find out the test, it's obvious.

5:05So you have to reach agreements whether this behavior is counted as flirting or it's just like a normal saying, hi, or have it be nice. I mean, some people would argue that flirting itself is not even cheating. Oh. Wow. Why? This might be a little bit of a culture difference, but you've seen it in movies, perhaps coming out of Hollywood where maybe the husband or the wife or the boyfriend or girlfriend would have you is like flirting with the waiter or the waitress right in front of their partner. And then the partner would say like, oh, you're such a flirt or something like that. And it's the reason why it's considered okay for some people is because there's no intent. It's just part of their personality. That's what I was trying to say. Yeah, but they know that they're flirting. It's just part of who they are. Okay, how about this one? So that one's a little bit contentious with our group here. How about this one? 40% said talking to someone late into the night while hiding it from your partner crosses the line.

6:12Yeah, pretty obviously. Only 40%. Well, I think it depends on the frequency and content. I mean, if you have like a work in late night and you have to like align with your colleagues or... But if it's for work, why are you hiding it? Yeah, why are you hiding it? Well, that's the... Yeah, yeah. Well, it's explaining work. It's like to complicate it. And sometimes you cannot say too much about your work to your partner as well. So I think it depends on the content also. If you're a secret agent, yes. Well, it's my double life, but it also depends on the frequency. It's like, well, I think it's okay just like for one night or like one time. But it's like constantly talking to a person late at night. And it's like secretive. It's definitely suspicious. What are some other statistics from that survey that stood out to you? Well, also something about the dating app.

7:12Like there's 30% saying that a maintaining a dating app profile simply to look or for validation counts at cheating. What do you guys think? I was the person who after met my current boyfriend via dating app, I deleted everything of my account on that app, like at all. Because I think if you're still up there, it looks like you're not happy with what you've got now and you're looking. Isn't that clear enough? Let's try to think of it from the other point of view though. Me too. I'm surprised that that number is not higher than 37%. That means 63% said keeping a dating app is totally okay. I've seen this. The people who do this keep the dating app. They say, I'm just looking. There's nothing, it's like window shopping. Sometimes you go into a clothing store and you don't buy anything.

8:15I don't know if this is a good analogy or not, but it's the one that came to mind. No harm, no foul. That's the argument. That's the justification. But you can't see that point of view at all. I don't understand. But I definitely do see a lot of people using this words on the profile. I'm already in a relationship, but I'm still looking. I'm still looking and still looking. I also look for friends as well. Oh, come on. I've looked for friends. I've looked for a friend on a dating app. Wait, maybe I should retract. Maybe that maybe people do. Actually, there are dating apps out there who has relationship version and friendship version. Maybe you can switch into. But if you're looking for a friend in a relationship version. Wouldn't there be other apps if you're like friendship apps if you're looking for? Yeah, I would assume so, yeah. How about this? This to me is pretty obvious. 36% said, secretly keeping in touch with an ex without telling your partner is micro cheating.

9:19Agreed. Yes, yes, it's definitely not micro cheating. It's cheating. It's a full blow. It's a full blow cheating. Oh, really? You take that very seriously, huh? Yeah, well, it's your ex and you have broke up and also you found a new one and that's me. I don't want any conversation happening between you and your ex. I think that's all a huge different chieathing. That was a very deep breath you took there. I was trying to figure out the right word in terms of dating vibe between, like, where do you say this is from the US? Yeah, this surveys from America. I watched a lot of American movies where after divorce, the ex-wife and ex-husband can still maintain a good contact and see their kids and be friends with their current spouses. Oh. But it's not really the case here in China. Well, maybe my break up did not end well. So I just like, me and my ex are enemies. Yeah. Sometimes that happened too. We didn't have to admit it.

10:19Yeah, but I can tell you. And it's not just for you. Yeah. You said it's not the case in China. So what is the case in China? I mean, microcheating is a term. There's a Chinese term for microcheating, too, right? Yeah. Well, we tend to call it new types of cheating instead of microcheating. If it goes by microcheating, then yeah, there is a term, but that kind of comes from English too. So today's Chinese people, they worry about the very similar things, like contacting an ex without the other party knowing. There is one very interesting story I read from Sennah or Weibo. That was from just very recent years, not exactly within this year, but apparently people worry about things like that, too. So this lady, I assume it's a lady, she has been in like physical contact, not doing anything particularly, but in contact with her ex, even though she's not telling all that to her current boyfriend or spouse. And she thought, I'm not doing anything wrong.

11:20Why would I need, why would I bother to tell him this and inspire him to think otherwise if this really doesn't matter? And she was in contact with who? With her ex, and like physically in some sort of an activity together. And oh, just like hanging out. Hanging out, but yeah, she said it's nothing. And then when she learned about her current boyfriend is contacting his ex via some late night trip around the lake on the car because she discovered it from the dashboard record on the big road. 60,000 kilometers of network available for those cheaters. So when she was doing it, she didn't feel like, oh, it's not necessary for me to tell him, but when she spotted him doing it, she starts to feel, why are you doing this? Double standard much. Yes, right? Yes, that's one thing. And then the other story questioned, giving gifts to an opposite gender colleague and the

12:23content of the gifts sometimes can trigger microcheating. Like, for example, many, many, many years ago, giving a bunch of flower from the guy to a lady is a clear sign of showing I like you. I want to date with you. I think that would be true in Western culture, too, in a way. So this second story, the lady discovered that her husband gave flower to a female colleague out of perhaps just a birthday celebration or just like some sort of public celebration within their office and she got mad. Like, they were having a fierce fight after the guy returned home. So something like that. Well, how did I want to know the details of this story? Like, is he the only person that gave flowers? Like, was there a birthday celebration? I think it was a celebration indeed. And that female colleague perhaps collected gifts from multiple different colleagues. And this girl's husband happened to be one of those who chose a bunch of flowers.

13:25So you see. What do you think, young young, do you get upset about that one? No. I know it's if I were the guy who know it's only for the set up version, I wouldn't get mad. I don't think objects need to be like associated with a fixed meaning or romantic or not romantic. I think it's just like people, they subjectively associate the meanings with the object itself. So, well, if I know the essence of the acid accident, I wouldn't be mad at all. Yeah. That's my point. I think I'm going to be a bit more intense. Yeah. Then I suppose, do you have any personal deal breakers where you're thinking like, no, this is unacceptable for me. I think for me, I'll go first. For me, it is all about intent. And if one of the survey answers that we didn't cover a few minutes ago was when you delete

14:26a message or when you don't share, like if an x contacts you, if you get a message from them and you don't share that with your current partner. Deliberately hiding it. See, now this is, okay, this is where it's a little bit nuanced, I think, because there's a difference between not sharing information that might be taken the wrong way, because it literally doesn't mean anything and lying. I don't think those two things are the same. Right? Because if you ask someone, did you outright get a text from your x and the answer is no, when you did, well, that's a lie. But if your partner gets a message from your x, well, they didn't do anything to, if they didn't do anything to inspire that message and it just pops up on their phone, and my partner and my wife doesn't tell me about that, I don't care.

15:27I'm okay with that. Now, if it turns into what was the other thing we talked about, late night, you know, 3am long conversations, well, then that's a different conversation to have at home. But if it's just little stuff like that, and there's no intent, I really don't have a problem with some of this stuff. And the flirting thing too, if people just have that very, some people have like a touchy feeling personality, like when they talk with people, like they put their hand on their arm or something like that. If there's no intent, I don't have an issue with that at all. How do you feel about that one? Because some people really don't like that one. I feel peaceful with that one as well. This is just like pad on a shoulder or like, yeah, unintentionally crossing the limbs or something. That's okay. Yeah, it depends on how much I love the person or like trust the person. Do you mean the more you love her, the more you get to be a control freak or something? No, no. I think you mean the opposite. Oh, really? The more that I trust her.

16:29Yeah, so it's like it depends on the relationship itself. And also I want to share something that's also on the list, but I was okay with it. It says that 27% of people serve it, said maintaining an Instagram close friends list that deliberately excludes your partner across the line. But I am okay with that. I think just because I am your partner doesn't mean that I have to get in your like, friend zones or a friend circle. I have to know like everyone around you. I think you have your own social space and also core friend zones and you have met them before you met me. So I'm totally okay. If you like just want the conversation happening in your friend zone, I'm not me. I'm on that too because we've already talked about the health social media. It's really giving extra space for people to do things that can be considered as micro treating. So our phone in some sense is already an extension of our body.

17:31You can't possibly control all where everything your partner is doing in physical life and via phone. So that's something that I've had a little bit of issue with at the very beginning, but now I kind of turned down all of that anxiety that probably would be driven into like real problems that starts a fight or something like that because you can't. As long as the intention is safe between you two and like you said, you love each other enough to trust each other's intention is all healthy and that you like some posts posted by some stranger of the opposite gender, the so what? Yeah. Exactly. I think all of that stuff comes from serious insecurity in your relationship and I totally agree, young young, with what you said, the more the trust is there in the relationship, the less these types of things become issues. Now before we finish up today, let's play a little game. This is called, would you break up with them or would you not?

18:36Because from the same American survey, they found some reasons that people had broken up with people. Now these are not your standard reasons, long distance relationship or what have you. So I'll just go through one by one. I'll pick out a few and you tell me you would break up or you would not break up. How about this one? They broke up because one of them left a one dollar tip after an expensive meal. Would you break up or would you not? Not really because tipping is not a culture here and I don't really get it. Yeah, also I agree with you. It's not, it's not, we don't have a tipping culture and also I want you to save money for me. Exactly. Exactly save them money to give them a person. Okay. All right. Let me try to find another one then. One person said, I want to break up with you because you only eat canned vegetables and you refuse to eat fresh vegetables.

19:39Break up or not? Yeah, maybe. Why? I think eating together and being able to harmoniously eat together and enjoy each other's company when you guys are eating together matters. So I'm not someone who prefers a lot of canned food. So if it's really a big deal for the other person that may be not. Weird, isn't it? You only eat canned vegetables but you refuse to eat fresh vegetables. Yeah, that's something weird. If you love this kind of weirdness, maybe find someone that shares the same. Yeah, but this is totally fine for me if the person can bring her cans into the restaurant with me. Wow. That's not a deal breaker for you. Bringing canned vegetables with you. Let me just get my peas here, my carrots. I'm ready. Okay, yeah. Well, yeah. Well, you're very tolerant. Okay, let's finish with this one.

20:40Are you guys pizza fans? Yeah. Not really. Not so much. Okay. This might not apply to you so much than young young. One ended a relationship over a fight if it's okay to put pineapple on a pizza. Oh, my. Why would I care? It's the least that they've had. Yeah, you're okay with canned vegetables in a fancy restaurant. Yeah, I've tried worse. Pineapple on a pizza is occasionally acceptable as long as you don't eat it every day. It might not really a deal breaker. So what can we do then to make sure that we're not treading into microcheating? I agree with what young young said earlier. It's the trust in the relationship because if you really, really, really, really truly trust that person, you're not going to want to see their phone because you trust them. You're not going to care who they're texting because you trust them. If they get a phone call and they leave the room, you're not going to care because you trust them. For me, and I think we all agreed on this today, it comes from a place of insecurity.

21:44So if you're a person who is worried about these things, then maybe you can work on that a little bit in the latter part of 2026. Now, with that being said, if you're doing these things and you know that it makes your partner upset, well, I wouldn't say that's a very good idea either. So the best solution would be to sit down with your partner, find out what makes you mad or what doesn't make you mad, set some boundaries. And then if you both agree on what those boundaries are, off you go, the wedding bells will be ringing shortly after. All right, that will do it for Round Table for this edition. Thank you very much for being with us. I'm Steve Hatharly for Yushan and Young Young. Please do come join us again next time. Bye-bye.