TFTC - Do You Know Your Partner Pt1

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1:01Whether you're craving a big mac, McNuggets, or sausage egg and cheese McGrittle's, make it a meal, and save. Your favorite is now your wallet's favorite too. Extra-value meals are back. Get a big something extra. With a big mac or 10-piece McNuggets, fries, and a medium Coke all for just $9. Limited time only, promotion pricing may be lower than meal time. This Tuesday, August 18th, man, this month is flying by and I am so grateful for it.

2:01We have so much dope shit happening over the next couple months. August, we have ceremony. September is both of our birthday months, so like we normally do something that we haven't got shit planned yet. And then October, we have a men's and women's retreat and another ceremony. And then November, she's got her women's woo retreat, which I'm probably going to rent an Airbnb in the same town that she's in and go up there and maybe invite some dudes to come and stay and just have like a men's weekend. I'm not really sure how it's going to look yet, but pretty stoked, pretty stoked. So for those of you who are new to what's happening right now, this is a thoughts from the chair episode. This is standalone Chris content. I have decided that I am going to be doing these live, public live pretty much consistently. They will be happening between 8 and 9 a.m. every day, Monday through Friday, while peaches is homeschooling the kids. She's homeschooling from 8 to 11, so I got a whole lot of time to kind of just do whatever I want to do. I am creating themed things. Last week we went over curiosity and how important it is to be curious about your person. And that was the underlying theme of the entire thing this morning when I got back from

3:05the gym, I sat down and picked 10 things that are about how well you know your person, right? The question is, is if you had just met them where if they just met you, how engaged would you be with being with that person? I'm excited about this guys. My goal in this is to really sit down and make you guys think about your life and think about your person and think about what you would do differently and how you can reclaim the relationship that you once had. And the way this works is I'm going to read a section of my document. Each section is going to get a little bit shorter. And then after the section, I'm going to jump into the chat and have conversations with you guys about it. I do recommend that you guys who are listening to this on your own play this with your person later. This episode specifically because I have a challenge for you towards the end of the document that is going to force you to look at your person in a way that you probably haven't

4:06ever looked at your person. So the question is, is would you choose your partner again today? This is part one of a 10 part series. This will be parts one through three today. Not do you love them? Right? That's easy. Do you love them as easy? Of course you do. I actually think that's too easy of a question. Do you love them is really way too easy. But there's a difference between being in love and having love, right? So like, are you in love with your person still? I don't think that a lot of you are. I think a lot of people find themselves in a situation where they have become comfortable and it's easy. And we want comfort. We are creatures of comfort. We want security. We want to know that our finances are going to be okay and that, you know, it's easier to stick with the devil. You know, kind of situation, right? So we can have love because of history, the kids, because of who they used to be and who you've like were and what you guys have survived together, right? Like that's, that's easy. Love matters. But love is not enough.

5:07Love by itself doesn't answer whether we still genuinely like each other. If there's respect, if there's admiration, and even if we want the person that we're with. So remove history for a minute, right? Let's say that you, you don't know this person and they don't know you. If you met your person today as they are right now and they met you as you are right now, would you guys choose each other? Would they choose you? Would you choose them? Why or why not? I want you guys to really think about that because it real shit, that fucking matters. Would you be attracted to the way that they live? Their habits, their level of responsibility, the way that they talk to people and conduct themselves in public, the way that they handle stress, the way that they treat their body, their relationship with money, their relationship with alcohol, with their phone, their ambition, their integrity, their friendships, the way that they parent, the way that they handle conflict, the way that they treat people when they're angry.

6:09Do you think that you would be able to admire them as they are or that they would admire you? Right? That's different than simply loving someone. A lot of people stay connected to the memory of who somebody was when they first met. We remember them being motivated, affectionate, playful, the version that was curious, disciplined, present, sexual, ambitious, then 10 or 15 years past life happens, kids, careers, grief, stress, and both of you have changed. Those catalysts are inevitable. For those of you who are not a part of the church server, a catalyst are things that are put into our lives that force us to evolve. It makes us make a choice. Whether it's a positive or a negative choice, that choice is there and we have to decide where our life is going. That's the free will that we have been given by the infinite creator. Sometimes these things look like a curse, right? So catalysts are the things that are put into our lives that force us to make a choice. It can create growth or fear, opportunities or issues, positive or negative changes.

7:14And those things always stem from catalysts. When catalyst happened, we are forced to make a choice and make no mistake, we do have a fucking choice. There's a difference between watching your partner change and watching your partner stop investing in themselves. Change is expected. You don't need to be the exact person that you married. You are not the same person that they married either. The goal is not to preserve the 25 year old version of yourself. You are going to evolve. Other than the physical stature that you had in your 20s, your physical appearance, being 20s in your 20 sucks. Like real shit, that was one of the worst, 15 to 25 was literally the worst decade of my life. I would love to have the physical prowess that I had. I was strong as fucking my late 20s. Like, I didn't have any aches and pains. I hadn't had my motorcycle yet. There was no broken femur, no reconstructed wrist.

8:14I hadn't blown out any of the discs in my back yet. My neck was still good. Like I was still able to bench 405. Like I was, I was a fucking monster in my mid to late 20s. That shit changed. My body decided that I didn't want to do this anymore, but my mind evolved. Right? So let's say you're in your 40s and all that you've got to offer somebody is that physical prowess in your 20s. Like, that's not something that you should be proud of. Like you should be evolving and growing and becoming more age gap relationships only work when the younger person has a higher maturity level or the older person has an immature level and there is a real compatibility that goes there. Otherwise you see things like inferiority and superiority complexes. You see people that are only there for resources. I'm going to move on because I could do that all day long. The question is whether the person that they've become is somebody that you can still respect. Are you? Would they choose you and can you be honest enough with yourself instead of simply saying

9:15yes from your ego? Because it is ego. If you are, yep, they would choose me and you haven't really truly thought about who you are. They're the person answering from your ego and ego not only kills talent, it kills all of your ambitions, your goals and your dreams. It's very easy to evaluate or break down our partner, right? We can always be like they're doing this. They're doing that. We can make detailed list of everything that they stop doing. They don't flirt anymore. They don't take care of themselves. They're always negative. They're buried in their phone. They don't initiate sex. They don't help enough. They've lost ambition. They don't communicate. If you do that, all of you motherfuckers are keeping score. All of you, you are keeping score of all the things that you believe you do that they're not doing enough. That's also your ego, right? That's a fucking problem. If your partner met you today, would they be impressed by your character? Would they feel safe with your temperament? Would they be attracted to your lifestyle? Would they respect your discipline, admire the way that you parent, trust the way that you handle money?

10:16Would they want to build a life with the person that you are right now? I'm doing this from both sides because it's really easy to throw some shade and blame and ugly on your person without really looking at yourself because change is hard. We want to try to force other people to have to do that change so that we don't have to. It's not fair, but I mean, that's really what it is. It's comfort. It's laziness. This is just who I am. You have to accept that. Why do they have to accept a change? You don't. I don't know where you're going, but I can see them ankles. Hey, at least the red and green look good together. Yeah, and it matches my dry. You kind of are like my little strawberry shortcake. You're not short, but you're my strawberry pound cake. Oh, I like that. Because you're a ginger. Oh, man. Sorry, guys, I'm a fucking pervert when it comes to her. I love you too. Yeah. Damn it. I'll have to try. I'll try to remember it.

11:17I can't. I say things off the top of my head to you because it feels right. And then you expect it. I don't know what to do. Okay, that works. Okay, so back to this. This isn't about judgment. This is about being honest with who you are and what you can control. It isn't about sitting across the table and deciding that whether your partner still qualifies for the relationship, the point is to ask whether we are both still becoming people that are worth choosing. Some of you get caught up in the, they already chose me. And yeah, technically they did. Technically, if you're married, they chose you twice. You guys chose each other when you decided to go from courting to dating and make it official monogamous relationship or maybe non-monogamous, if that's your thing. And then you made the decision again when you said I do in exchange vows, but have you made the decision since then? Right. Though for some of you, those choices may have happened years ago.

12:18Healthy relationships require you to choose your person every day. And you can tell when you see two people who choose them, choose each other every day. Like it's fucking obvious. Real shit guys, love's not always going to feel exciting. It's not, it's not always going to be all sunshine and rainbows. There's going to be hard days. There's going to be days that your partner wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and like, you want to try to be the superhero and there's nothing you can do about it. And it can create tension. It can create grief. It can make you feel sad. It can make you feel disconnected. McDonald's is putting value back on the menu. Whether you're craving a big mac, McNuggets are sausage egg and cheese, McGrittle's, make it a meal and save. Your favorite is now your wallet's favorite too. Extra value meals are back. Done rises, prices fall. Get a sausage McMuffin with egg or sausage egg and cheese, McGrittle's small hot coffee and hash frowns for just $6. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.

13:18Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. Conversations have to happen, right? There's going to be an underlying thing in this document of me telling you repeatedly to do the fucking check-ins. The check-ins, the check-ins, the check-ins. It's free on the website to be better.com, click on the resources to have and download the PDF. If you need help, if the PDF is not enough, there's an entire playlist on our YouTube channel that walks you through how to do it. It includes videos on like, I versus you statements. There's a, I believe there's actually two videos on how to do the check-ins. One of them is like an updated thing. The check-ins are a way that teaches you how to effectively communicate with your person. You guys are going to learn each other's triggers. You're going to learn what makes each other tick. And eventually, you're going to get so good at having these check-ins that you don't have to schedule a time to do it. They're just quick things throughout the day that is going to benefit your life. So attractions may fluctuate, not every season of marriage is going to feel romantic. That's unrealistic, but that doesn't mean that you can't try to live an unrealistic dream.

14:19And guys, through all of that, there should always be reasons as to why you choose each other. It should be respect, trust, friendship matters, each other's character, shared values, effort, growth, affection, reliability, a willingness to repair is huge. You guys have to be able to tell the truth with each other. This is a really big deal. And then a willingness to continue to keep becoming, to keep growing, to keep being more than what you were yesterday. And you have to grow together. Real shit. If one of you, I'm going to use a gardening analogy. If one of you grows too high and you start overshadowing the sun and blocking out the sunlight from what's growing underneath, you may prevent that other person's growth and may eventually kill this living organic relationship that you guys have built together. And it's something to think about. So yes, they chose you. You chose them. Then on the wedding day, you guys chose each other again. You've both made commitments. But how is that commitment working out for you guys right now? Are you happy? Do you have true joy? Are you living in unity in the relationship? Or are you two ships passing in the night?

15:21Is this a relationship out of obligation? Is this about finances, about kids, about safety and comfort? Because it's not the same thing, right? That doesn't sound like a joyous union to me. That sounds like we're together because we can't survive a part. And there's a difference between needing and wanting. And that's important to recognize as well. Commitment means the relationship has enough value that we continue to invest in it even when it's difficult. It doesn't mean that we get to stop being somebody worth being married too simply because that's just how life is. That's accepting less than. There's also an important distinction between temporary struggle and chronic deterioration. That chronic deterioration, there's a difference between... Actually, I think I put this in the document, but I'm going to put it here as well just because I know that this is a good time to insert this. There's a difference between my mom died five months ago and I'm having a hard time because she was the greatest person in my life.

16:23She was my confidant. She was the person that I called when I was struggling the most. That was somebody that I really invested a lot of my love and time and attention to. And now I don't know where to put that and I don't know what to do. And I don't have the same comfort that I have in my marriage that I have with my mom because maybe my mom never betrayed me. Whatever that reason is. That's a very different thing than five years of no job, constant alcoholism, escapism with video games, making your person support you, whatever, whatever, whatever. We are all going to experience hardships. Sometimes there's going to be illnesses, there's going to be loss, there's going to be tragedy, whatever. And you have to be willing to choose to work through these things with your partner. And then there's also the other question of what happens if you do that. And then they experience loss and they separate and distance themselves, right? Like you can't control the what if you just have to be willing to choose your person, right? I'm going to move on. Well, I actually was literally the next thing. If your partner is depressed for six months after losing a parent that doesn't necessarily mean that they've become someone you wouldn't choose, that may be a difficult season requiring

17:26compassion and patience. We all grieve differently and you wouldn't want them to abandon you in your struggles. This is why I write these things out so that I have things to talk about and then free flow my points because those things said the same thing but delivered it very differently. If your partner has spent 10 years refusing responsibility, treating everyone poorly, making it like the relationship and rejecting every attempt to address it, it's a very different conversation. Shout out to the 83 people that are, is that say 83 holy shit? Shout out to 83 people on Facebook that are, or YouTube that are hanging out with me right now. Peaches is doing the homeschool thing for those of you who missed the intro of this. She's homeschooling the kids and I will be going live publicly on YouTube every morning between eight and nine o'clock. And I'll be running through documents that are themed, trying to help you guys work through things after I run through each section of the document, I'll be getting with the chat. So for those of you who are just tuning in, if you have questions, write them down, I will give an open forum in between each part of the document.

18:28This is a three part document. We're still in the first part. So where was I? So context matters. Pay attention to the patterns and what they are and are not willing to do. We shouldn't evaluate somebody at their lowest moment and call that their identity, but we also shouldn't ignore years of behavioral traits because we believe in their potential. Potential is often a myth. It's the great belief that one day if only they can change. I know that they can be so much more, right? It's hope. You guys are living in a state of delusion. You're living in a state of they treated me this way once, 20 years ago. So I know they're capable of it. I just need to love them more or find a way to get them back to me, right? It is, it is a fucking delusion. It's opium. And maybe, maybe all of those things are true.

19:30Maybe they are capable of fucking greatness, but what if they don't want it? What if, what if they don't want any of those things? What if the relationship has gone the way the relationship has gone and you, they just are existing now, right? Maybe, maybe they're happy and you're not. We talked about that yesterday. So I'm not going to get into that. What happens if your person is doing all of the things that they should? And for some reason, you don't think you would choose them again. That's a real thing. We see people on, on social media all the time talking about how they had the perfect marriage and gotten divorced because they were bored or the excitement was gone. Sometimes that choice is because you have changed. More values have shifted. Your priorities have changed. Your standards have changed. Maybe you used to be attracted to chaos and now you want stability. Guys, is that, is that a bad thing? Like, to go from that to that, that's, I think that's peace. Having stability is fucking massive. Being able to go put gas in your truck or go to the grocery store and I have to look at

20:31your bank account because you're financially stable or, you know, versus going to the bar over the weekend and spending 400 bucks on shots and then struggling for the rest of the weekend and wondering how you're going to feed your kids like chaos to stability. That's a great fucking change. Maybe you used to confuse jealousy with passion, right? We all, we all have some toxic traits that probably ain't the best. And maybe that's one of those things that you are with somebody that was fucking hyper jealous and crazy, psychotic when it came to you. And you viewed that as how much they loved you instead of their insecurity, right? That's also a toxic trait. And a great thing you can work through. Maybe we wanted somebody who needed us and now we recognize that codependency is not intimacy. Maybe we built a relationship around drinking, partying and now one person grew out of it. They don't want that for their life anymore. That doesn't mean that either person is bad, but it may mean that the relationship was built between two versions of people that no longer exist, right? Or one version that no longer exists.

21:33This happens. So then the question becomes, can these new versions of us build something new together? You can. You absolutely can have a new relationship with the same person, but both people have to want it. And this is where we see a whole lot of people getting stuck. We tell you guys on the podcast all the time that the best thing that can happen is you can change and hope that your person recognizes that change and then wants to step up to meet you there. But you can never force somebody to do some shit that removes their free will. It changes the way that we are meant to live the earthly Earth school existence. Some of you may get that reference. Some of you may not, but that that actually really matters guys. Like the free will aspect of everything is a big thing. How many times have you said, I just wish we could go back to the way things were. You keep trying to resurrect an old version of the relationship instead of trying to build a new foundation, create a new one.

22:35Guys, you can never go back to the thing the way things were ever the way things were no longer exists. The version of you that exists, the version of them that exists is no longer here. You have new life lessons, new hurts, new traumas, new triggers, new versions of things that you never got to experience before that horrific event. Maybe they kicked you out. Maybe they threatened to force. Maybe they put their hands on you. Maybe they spit on you. Maybe they called you a cunt. Maybe you kicked them in the balls. Maybe you put sugar in their gas tank. Maybe you guys gave each other the most ugly fucked up version that you could possibly give to another human being and decided that you still wanted to try to work through things. All of those things is new information about the way that you could potentially conduct yourself in a fucked up thing.

23:42Sun rises, prices fall, get a sausage McMuffin with egg or sausage egg and cheese McGrittles, small hot coffee and hash frowns for just six dollars. Right. So like this matters, right? It's just that matters. There have been volatile moments where you saw someone at their darkest or abandonments, whatever the thing was, you have new information that you didn't have before and that clean slate is gone forever. And it happens in every single relationship. Maybe the old relationship had problems too and maybe what's needed is not a restoration but a reconstruction. Sometimes you have to tear it all the way the fuck down and start over at your foundation all over again. And those questions look like who are we now? What matters most to us? You guys can can write these down or come back to the replay and actually journal this. I would love to see you guys really sit down and think about these. So the questions are who are we now? What matters to us now? What kind of marriage do we actually want?

24:46What do we want the next 10 years to look like? For those of you who are hyper ambitious, I would do three years instead of 10 because a 10 year plan is unrealistic for most driven people. Five years I think is even a stretch. We do one, two and three year goals now. What does being a good husband mean to me? What does being a good wife mean to me? What are we no longer willing to tolerate in ourselves? Like what are our new non-negotiable hard boundaries? And what do we want more of? So when you start asking these questions, the conversation goes from you've changed to of course there's been changed. We are growing. Life is happening. Right now we're having conversations instead of accusations. We're not placing blame or throwing shade in judgment. We're doing the thing. Who's shit? We got a member for 12 months. Thanks to be better, forgiving me the tools to be a better person for my significant other. You're welcome. Love that for you.

25:46Guys, if you want you or if you want to interrupt the podcast, if you want me to stop with the fuck I'm doing and give you my attention send a super chat that I promise you, I will stop everything. I don't care if it's a dollar or a hundred dollars. I will stop everything and I will address what you send. People in the chat may get annoyed by that shit. But guys, this is a job for me. So I will I will sell my time. So have you stayed connected while changing? We have told you over and over again that you can have a new relationship with the same person but it takes a lot of work. The longer you allow things to go unchecked, unresolved and unwavering, the harder it is to change. So how bad do you want it? Because ultimately that's going to matter. Thank you for the jewels. This is a good time to insert the check-ins. Guys, do the fucking check-ins. I know that I know that it's weird to schedule time to have a conversation with your person. If you watch the videos, you download the PDF and you understand what you're doing, it's not fucking weird. Hey, we've been really busy this week.

26:48I know that you've got a lot going on. You've been homeschooling. We've been working. You got tinctures you're trying to do. I'm trying to do these other things over here. We have this thing coming up in two weeks. We have our entire monthbook down October like we are fucking super stressed and I just want to reconnect with you. Can we have two hours where you sit in my lap, no TV, no phone, no radio, no headphones, no nothing? And we just fucking do the thing. I want to talk to you. Let's reconnect. That's a check-in. Pull that paper out and do the thing. Shout out to Chris Denson. Just because you said something about it. Thank you for the super chat, brother. Hey, guys, shout out to that motherfucker right there. Chris Denson makes some really dope leather shit. And he's got a laser engraver that can do like really custom laser engraving on leather. So for all of my nerds that do Renaissance fairs or do D&D, Chris Denson is your fucking guy for leather stuff. On the check-ins, strong couples keep updating their understanding of each other. And that's what the check-ins are. It's an opportunity for you to get a report card from each other, right?

27:48Like how am I performing? I need you to give me a Google review on all of these things. Like I'm not going to get mad about it. I want to understand where we're at and I can't understand where we're at if we don't talk. A super chat from Juliana with no text. It just says 99 cent. Thank you for the super chat. Means a lot. I'll look for your chat. We have over a hundred people watching right now. Fuck yeah, let's go. Thank you, Shay, for the update. Doing the check-ins is going to help you understand what your person's currently worried about. What they're excited about, what they're struggling with, the things that they want next and ultimately who they're becoming. And that's going to be the theme of this, guys. You should be evolving and changing at 20 to 30 to 40. You're going to have a very different version of you over and over and over again. Should you do check-ins during the courtship phase? That was the text that she meant to send with the super chat. You can. So this is more about establishing routine. There's things in the check-in that's not going to apply to the courting phase. We actually have a courting phase questionnaire that I would recommend doing over the check-ins

28:52because it's going to help you understand your compatibility. You can also find that at tobebetter.com, click on the resources tab. It might even be forward slash resources. I don't know. But I would go the courting question air phase over the check-ins. If you guys have been courting for a couple of months and things are starting to get serious, you can download the PDF for the check-ins and just highlight the questions that you think are going to bring the most bang for your time, right? The most valuable parts of this because you're still trying to learn each other. And real shit doing both of these early on is going to help you learn how you communicate because that's ultimately the goal of all of this is to learn how to effectively talk to each other. And then you learn that ebb and flow, right? The check-ins are an invaluable asset, guys. When we first created that shit, we thought about selling it and trying to make like a workbook on all of this shit. We believe that it's so valuable that we will never sell that and we will continue to update it and push it. We want you guys to learn how to effectively talk to each other.

29:55That saves more marriages than anything. Having honest, non-malicious conversation, learning how to have delicate conversations without venom goes a long fucking way. Back to the document, how can you choose someone that you don't know? How can you build resentment towards someone when you are basing your information off of a version of someone that no longer exists? If you've been in a relationship for five, 10, 15 years and you're holding on to what happened three years, five years, 15 years ago, and that's who you believe that person is. All of the resentment that you've carried throughout the entire relationship or marriage is based off of those moments. If you haven't updated the data, you haven't gotten a new firmware update from your partner, how are you supposed to keep up with what's actually going on? At that point, you're living a belief system. And on the same side of that, you can't expect somebody to keep choosing you while you're also refusing to look at who you're becoming. So what do you do now that you've really thought about this? Well, the check-ins obviously need to happen.

30:57You need to ask some, here's some more questions that you can ask. Super chat. Jay said, been watching yours in Peach's content for two to three years, but never got Patreon. I'm so happy to watch live now from South Australia. Shout out to our people on Australia. You guys are the second largest country for our metrics. I don't know how the fuck we ended up popular in Australia, especially with the time difference. But we have people out there. Josh and Haley live out there. They came to Bali with us, established a real friendship with Josh, which is super cool. And we'll be coming out there probably in the next two years. And there will be a huge meet and greet because we got a lot of fucking people out there that fuck with what we do. So shout out to you guys. So some more questions that you can ask. If we met today, what would attract you to me? You both should be writing this down. What would your concerns in being in a relationship with me be? What would we admire about each other? What would we hesitate about with each other? What parts of ourselves have are like our strong points?

32:00What parts do we believe we've neglected? What would we want to work on? And are we relying on the choices we made years ago or are we still giving each other reasons to choose each other now? Guys, marriage is not just two people who once fell in love. That's absolutely where the vows and the idus and the foundation came from, but love is not enough and love is a verb. It's an action. It's something that you have to choose every day and you choose it not just in stain. You choose it in your words and your actions and the way that you conduct yourselves with your person. There's a whole lot of everything is a fucking choice. And whether you want to believe you have a choice or not, even in really fucked up things, you may not like the choices that you have, but there are choices there and you have to make choices that's going to serve you best. Add its best. Two people who keep becoming someone, the other person can respect, trust, admire and willingly

33:05choose and you both have to maintain and you both have to maintain that. So that's the end of part one of this three part document. So I'm going to interact with a chat a little bit. If you guys got some questions, you can ask them. I will try to read a couple of them before moving on to the next part. Some questions I ask her is how you feel in the relationship. Is there anything I need to improve and what is the most interesting part of this week? What has been the saddest or downside of this week? And then I answer as well. That's what the check-ins look like. That those are definitely check-in questions. Our check-ins started off as three questions and now it's like four fucking pages because life has evolved and things have become more complicated and you know what super important, how is your mental health, how am I doing as a husband and how's our sex life? Is a great like three point checklist? You can go a whole lot further if you really do the thing. Do you think you'll do an updated check-ins? I think that we just updated it last year or at the very end of 2024. So probably not for until 2027, but we will be going through and redoing things because

34:12as we gain new insights and information, it's important for us to pass that down. So there will be an update. It just won't be this year. We have a disruption and can't talk at the moment. We said wait to cool down and then we bring the conversation back. It's awesome. Don't miss Kyle Anton Super Chat. Oh, thank you for that. I didn't even see that. Oh, because it came right one by one. Shout out to whoever said that. Who did that? Shay, you're the fucking real MVP of this podcast today. Y'all's podcast has helped me and my wife Amanda learn to stay grounded and choose each other every day. That's it. That's the best you can do, Kyle. It's fucking choose each other every day. Ariana said, if the check-ins are working and strengthening the relationship, what do you recommend for the next step? Scheduled date nights that are themed. No technology. It's a great date night. A history date night. A date night doing something that you don't want to do that you know your partner does. Those can rotate. A date night that is trying something new. Real shit.

35:12I mean, you guys can just go on Google and type in 50 date night ideas and just fucking pick one. Throw it on dartboard and just do that thing. It's not about the quality of the experience of the date. It's about disconnecting from life and reconnecting with your person while on that date. So that would be my answer to you on that. Once you got the check-ins and your communication is great, start running your date nights. And real shit, you guys need to fix your intimacy. Sexy time matters. Sexy time with your person is so fucking important, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about brushing her hair, taking his boots off, making him a sandwich, not complaining even though you know that he's having a bad day and so are you, right? Like there's things that you could do to make your person feel wanted and admired and then sexy time, right? Like, I don't know. When was the last time you guys woke up and fucked in the middle of the night? I know that's an odd question to be asking you all, but like, do you even touch each other

36:12when you sleep, right? Like are you guys trying to stay east and west as far as possible on the bed with some pillows in between you? Are you nuzzled up and that one little movement wakes everything up and now y'all are fucking at three o'clock in the morning before going back to bed? Like, I know y'all did that shit when you were first dating. What's changed is you're sleeping more important than your person? Like, these are questions that actually really matter, guys. I never thought about the themes. Yeah, themes are pretty dope. My husband travels for work and when he's gone, we have our check-ins over FaceTime. That's cool. Jesse said, just wanted to say how thankful, how thankful all you do. I mean, for all you do, he didn't write that, but they didn't write that. He pushed me to evolve into a better me and love listening to start my mornings at work. Fuck yeah, thankful for all you do. He corrected it. Um, he's a little spoon. Like, does it mean that your hand can't reach around that body? My partner and I have been together going on 16 years in the check-ins have been such a huge asset with us as we have changed and evolved through time together. It has been such a huge help. Love that.

37:13When I try to do things for him, he tells me he can do it himself. I serve him dinner first and tried to take off his shoes. Well, it may mean maybe that's not for him. Acts of service. Have you guys done your love languages thing because acts of services may not be high up on his, his love language list. Gratitude may be higher or words of affirmation, physical touch, whatever. Maybe gift giving is so like there are men out there who are not comfortable. Having their women serve them. And I do view that as servitude. Maybe they believe that it's only their duty to do the thing. I think that's a very skewed thing. It's a very skewed outlook, but that might be the way they were raised. And maybe they haven't seen another side of things, you know? I love that I'm at work, but he's at home and we're both watching. Fuck yeah. When I try to do the check-ins, he says the only thing that bothers him is my weight. I mean, that's okay. Have you started doing anything to change that? Why do men care about sex so much? Like why does it matter that you sex with someone or not?

38:14You can't be serious. That can't really be asking that. You're kidding me, right? If you, in a monogamous relationship where you are going to be with one person for the rest of your life, you can't go and get that from other people. Where how are their cups going to get filled? If physical touch is high on their expectations of a marriage and their love language, and you are not willing to do the physical touch and they're not allowed to go to do it with other people, you are depriving them of a base desire of all humanity. It's literally a jaysaid. It's the one thing I can't go and get anywhere else. If I need to have a hard conversation, I can go to anyone and have a hard conversation. If I want to get into an argument, I can pick anyone for an argument. If I want to play video games, get drunk. Do whatever it is that I want to do, I have the freedom to do all of that. My physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy belongs to my wife and hers belongs to me. We have an obligation to fulfill those needs for each other. Thank you for the jewels. I appreciate that.

39:14I still quite don't understand the jewel situation, but I do know that I think that they give us some sort of monetary value, so I appreciate that a lot. The next part of this document is, do you know who your partner is becoming? We spend a lot of time talking about knowing our partner, but most of the time we're talking about who they've been. We know their favorite food, their childhood stories, what makes them mad, what they order at their favorite restaurant, their autistic comfort foods. What side of the bed they're expected to sleep on no matter what bed you're in, and what kind of day they've probably had, probably had, based on the way that they come through the front door. The person you married at 27, I'm sorry, that's familiarity, right? That's not knowing that's routine, and that's not always the same thing as knowing them. The person that you married at 27 isn't supposed to be the same at 47. Life changes us, like I said earlier, parenthood, grief, success, failure, health, age, all run our bodies and our minds through a whole bunch of fucking shit.

40:16It's like running through Earth School boot camp. It's going to force us to evolve. It's all catalyst. The things that we tolerate are going to change the way that we view things is going to change. The things that we want are going to change. Sometimes our values become stronger. Sometimes our ambitions can get smaller. Sometimes our dreams get bigger. Sometimes the version of life that we thought we wanted no longer fits. Sometimes the dream that we once held onto with a death grip has become a living fucking nightmare. This is the evolution of our life experience. The question is, do we notice the changes as they're happening and not just in our person, but in ourselves? A lot of couples don't really grow apart in big, dramatic moments. Those big moments matter because fights are going to happen. It's inevitable. You guys are going to annoy each other from time to time. You're going to get each other skin. There's going to be a whole lot of stupid shit that happens that it's kind of inevitable.

41:19The more you learn to effectively communicate, the less it becomes a big distortion in more of a minor inconvenience, but it will still happen. People drift apart because both people keep evolving, right? You are both changing while assuming that you still know the other person that they still know you and that's not true. More often than not, we're interacting with a memory. I know how they are. I know how they're going to react to this. I know how they feel about this topic. You start hearing things like, I know how she is. I know how he thinks. She never cared about that. He always wanted this. Maybe all of those things are still true, but has other things evolved over top of that. You guys could really be operating from outdated information if you're not checking in. Certainty, like knowing, I know this when it comes to relationships can be very dangerous

42:20because it's an assumption. The more certain we become that we already know our partner, the less curious we become. Guys, if you missed last week's content, that's the whole underlying theme of all of that was curiosity. So we stop asking questions because we assume that we know the answer. We stop checking in because we think that nothing has changed. We start responding to old patterns or reinforced belief systems, even when the person in front of us has been trying to become something different. When you guys think about that, that's really fucking lonely. Right? If you are putting your best foot forward, let's say you are somebody who didn't want to work. Like you are a workless person and now you've got a job. And though you may not be working 60 hours a week, you went from no job to a job and you're not late for work. You're not missing days. You're looking for a second job. You're actively trying to become more than what you were. And your person is still holding on to that resentment from who you were before you started making changes and they refused to see it, refused to see it.

43:22It creates a real loneliness. It's you don't see me. You don't you don't value that I'm actually doing the work, right? It's a shitty place to be. It really fucking is. And like we don't need to be told out of boy for taking the trash out, right? Like that's just normal life shit. Some of y'all don't do enough. And I understand that there's resentment there because of that. But like when things do happen, having a moment of gratitude or appreciation or letting your person know that that you see them matters, if peaches is having a hard day and she's getting ready to melt down because of the kids and I'm able to tell her she's a good mom, like I can watch her go. And if I'm hugging her when I say it, I can feel every muscle in her body just release. There's there's a lot to that, right? That shit fucking matters and it's not just for women. It matters men to men a lot, ladies. You want to see your husband beam and become a fucking lighthouse in a dark room.

44:26Tell him you're proud of him and then tell him why, right? And don't be superficial. I'm proud that you go to work. Yeah, I'm grateful. I am grateful that you work. That's super dope. Like you provide this life for us. You provide safety. You provide a place where I get to raise the children. You provide whatever, whatever, whatever. And I see how fucking much this sacrifice is doing to your mental health and I fucking appreciate you. I'm so proud of you doing the thing. It will change everything about their demeanor. You may see a blue collar man break down in tears like that is that's the dream. Most men want our women to see us in that light. We want to hear these things. So imagine spending years changing internally and realizing the person closest to you hasn't seen it. Shout out to the super chat from Jay. Facts us men deserve it too. And we love it. Absolutely. Thank you for the super chat. Maybe your priorities have shifted and your spouse still treats you like you were that you only care about the same things that you cared about 10 years ago.

45:30Maybe becoming a parent changed you. Maybe it changed what success means to you. For all of you in the chat right now that journal, when was the last time you you actually sat down and thought about what success means? Because we are all going to have our own version of what success looks like. Some of you may be like it's being a millionaire. Some of you may have that version of success in your mind and you will never obtain that. Some of it might be being a person that breaks generational trauma. Your version of success is going to evolve with your mindset. As you get new understandings of life and you get new wins and victories on your belt, your idea of success is going to evolve. So if you haven't really sat down and journaled about what it is that you believe success looks like you are operating from a myth. You're chasing hopes that you are going to obtain this thing and it's going to fulfill something in you that you're completely unaware of because you've never really sat down and thought about what this is.

46:32Maybe you no longer want the career you want chaste. Maybe you've become more confident sexually and you want to explore parts of intimacy that you used to be afraid to talk about. Maybe you've become less social. Maybe your face matters more. Maybe it matters less. Maybe your relationship with your parents has changed. Maybe the death of someone that you love rearranged everything that you thought was important. Maybe you're tired of being the person that everyone depends on. Maybe you've discovered a part of yourself that you suppressed because there wasn't room for that in your earlier life. And none of that means that you're changing for the worse or that your relationship is in trouble. It just means that you now have new data that you have to filter your life through. You can't hold on to these expectations of what you had of what you were going to be in your 20s. And real shit guys, if you're 25 years old and you don't have life figured out, that's fucking normal. 18 to 25 year in adult child. You're learning how to pay bills and be responsible and you're learning that you don't get to

47:34fucking have weekends off like you did in high school, right? Like it's an evolution. So the trouble comes when there's no room for those changes inside of the relationship. We sometimes unintentionally punish our partner for evolving. We say things like you never used to be like this. You used to love doing that. This isn't who you are. And real shit, what do you mean this isn't who I am? Maybe this isn't who I was. Maybe this is who I want to become. Maybe you have failed to see the changes I've made. I think that that's a real conversation that needs to happen. I want to talk about divorce in this for a second because you see this most when people have been married for five, 10, 15, 20 years longer and they, oh, shit, big super chat. Bray and Rios three. My life is dope. Thanks to you, and peaches.

48:34Thank you, Mr. Birkett. Hope I write it right. You did. Thanks for all you do soon. We'll send a love letter. Okay. Appreciate the super chat. That's fucking gangster. 50 bucks. Holy shit. Thank you for that. Thank you. Thank you. Brian, B-R-A-Y-A-N. Brian Rios 3602. Thank you for the super chat. I really, really appreciate that. What was I saying? Let's talk about divorce. So let's say that you've been with somebody for 20 years and during that 20 years, you have done everything in your power to live from a place of unity with your person. You want to live up to expectations. You want to reach certain goals. You have created a foundation based off of who you believe you should be for the marriage. And somewhere along the line, you guys are no longer growing together. You're starting to grow apart, but you're still trying to hold on to this version of what is because you don't want the marriage to end. Something happens, catalyst, divorce.

49:36And now everyone tells you how much you've changed in a very short amount of time. You're smiling again. You're doing hobbies. I didn't know you were into that. Whatever, whatever, whatever. You're just so fucking different now that you've got divorced. That is the perfect example of people trying to change or wanting to do more, but being constructed and confined in a box and living to an expectation of another, another person. Sometimes that lived expectation falls back to somebody not seeing your efforts or seeing your changes and not responding to catalyst at the same time. It comes down to having failed check-ins, failed conversations. There's a lot of, we really fucked each other up by not doing the right thing over the last 20 years. And now that that divorce has happened and people are thriving, the people that were in there feel like they were somehow betrayed or they didn't get the best version of you. Well, they didn't because they were suppressing it. Matt sent us super chat. This is thank you for what you do. Chris got me thinking about a lot again with your documents.

50:38I love that. Did you see the tick talk that I posted about you this morning? Can we do it in their hotness? Documenting things? All right. Can we get a copy of these documents? Nope, they're mine. There's a bullet points. A lot of the shit that I'm saying from these documents is me just spewing shit as I'm thinking about the bullet points I made. And I don't want to put that out there. And I'm not going to sit down and refine this and make this perfect for the world when you guys can just go back and watch the content or download a transcript of the video. So sometimes people change in ways that damage to the relationship. They become more selfish, less engaged, more reckless, bitter. Their values move somewhere that their partner cannot follow, right? This speaks on boundaries. This speaks on wanting different things at different points of the relationship. Growth is not automatically good or bad just because somebody calls it growth, but who gets to decide what's best for you? If you think that these new boundaries, for example, are necessary and it's going to

51:41bring you peace and stability, but those boundaries make it so that you're no longer a doormat for your partner to wipe their feet on. You think this is a good thing. They think this is a bad thing, but who gets to decide what's what, right? Like they don't, nobody gets to make that decision for you. And boundaries are a big fucking deal, guys. So thank you for the, the jewels, guys. I'm seeing them come through. I really appreciate it. This is where discernment matters. This is where you have to make a decision about your existence and you have to, you have to live your own fucking life. If your person's riding with you, that's great. But at some point you have to take control of the steering wheel and like, it's just the way that it goes. So there's also a difference between becoming more fully yourself and abandoning the commitments that you made to another person. If I decided that I value freedom more now, that doesn't automatically erase my responsibilities as a husband, wife, father, mother, et cetera. If I discover some new part of myself, I still have to consider the impact of not only how

52:45I express it, but how I decide to live it and move forward with that thing. Personal development doesn't give us permission to become careless with other people's emotions or mental health or even the life that you've built together. Like you still need to be very conscious of what you're doing. But you should not cultivate a life that becomes a prison for yourself. This is what I was talking about a minute ago about the person who was married for a very long duration and then gets out and they're finally free to live as they view is good for them, right? Like it was, was the marriage a lie if they spent 20 years living unauthentically of themselves. I don't think that the marriage was a lie. I think that there's something very honorable about meeting somebody halfway and trying to live in a proper coexistence. But at some point that coexistence cannot become a prison, you have to be able to ebb and flow. You have to make concessions and they have to do the same thing and there needs to be check-ins. You need to do check-ins. Fuckin' do the check-ins, guys.

53:47Commitment doesn't mean that your partner owes you permanent sameness. Long term relationships are going to be challenging. You're trying to build something stable, right? That contains two people who are constantly changing. You are trying to build something stable with two people who are constantly changing. When you say that and you really think about that statement, that's really fucking hard to do, right? You're now doing a group project that your individuality plays a part in and contributes to but can also destroy the thing if you're not careful. You have different live life experiences, two unique perspectives on life and this is why we preach so much about compatibility. Having compatibility in your marriage matters way more than you guys really truly understand. You can't just be four out of ten on a compatibility and expect to have a dope marriage.

54:47It's not going to work. The relationship needs enough stability that both people feel secure while also having enough flexibility that both people are allowed to grow. And enough compatibility that there's wiggle room as things grow. Too much stability will become rigidity. You know, you guys get to a point where everything has its own flexible spot, but if you bend it too far, it's going to snap. Your relationship, your marriage is no different. Too much individual, too much individualism becomes instability. And then too much compatibility doesn't exist. I don't believe that you can be too compatible with somebody. I do believe if your marriage goes from a 10 out of 10 on compatibility to a six out of 10 on compatibility, you may have some real fucking problems coming. Healthy couples have to find something, they have to find the end between. They say you're changing. You should say, well, help me understand, right? You don't even need to say you're changing. I am changing.

55:48I appreciate you for noticing. But your changing can also be an accusation or an attack. So how you choose to respond and not react to that statement is going to dictate things. If somebody's like you're changing, well, I mean, we're supposed to, right? That's the evolution of life. We're supposed to always be evolving, growing, changing. But can you tell me how I'm changing and how that's affecting you? Let's talk about it. This is a great time to have a check in. You can do an impromptu check in. Sometimes people will say I'm changing and I need you to know what's happening inside of me, right? There could be a catalyst that's happened. Maybe you have a new realization, you have a new understanding of something. Sometimes you may have had, sometimes you may have just had something that come up that kept you up at night for like two weeks. And you thought about it every night. You woke up in the morning. It was the first thing on your brain. It started fucking with your dreams. And it's something that you just simply can't let go of. And maybe you brought it up to your person once or twice, right?

56:48Maybe this has been a quick conversation just because you're trying to process this new profound thing. And let's say those conversations didn't bear fruit, right? Maybe they weren't engaged. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they had their own thing going on or maybe they just didn't understand what you're trying to do. Maybe they weren't picking up what you were putting down. That doesn't mean that you're not still working through all of this. And it doesn't mean that at the end of this that you're going to have some new epiphany or like God shattering moment about your life, that they're not able to understand because those two times that you tried to converse with them, I almost had conversate. That's not a word. Almost the two times that we tried to converse about this, we weren't able to do this thing. Like we just didn't. So now I've got this new earth shattering thing. And I don't even know how to talk to you about it. But I'm going to start living my life based off this new information and hope to God that you see it. Darko Asa said, Chris, this live has been so helpful. It gives a lot of insight to my past relationship. Thank you. You're welcome. I hope that things are going well with you, brother. I'm going to be in North Carolina around, I'll message you.

57:50I'm not going to put that on the podcast. I'll message you later when we're done with this. I lost my place. I don't know where I was. Okay, so it requires vulnerability and trust from both sides because sometimes we don't tell our partner who we're becoming. We expect them to simply notice or hope that they do. In real shit, you can see your person going through things and seeing them change and not understand the depth or the seriousness of those things. That's why the check ends matter. I'm a fucking say that over and over again this episode. In real shit, when they don't notice your change, you will start to resent people for that. You expect so much out of your person that they expect out of you and that you both fail to meet and you do, right? You are going to let your person down from time to time. It's going to happen. I mean that you're a vile, evil creature. It just means that you failed to communicate something effectively.

58:51Thank you for the coins and the jewels, guys. Means a lot. We start having an internal transformation and assume that they should somehow pick it up through simply existing within our world, in our little sphere. We've been thinking about changing careers for eight months, but we've mentioned it twice. We've become unhappy with some part of the marriage, but we never clearly communicated what's going on. We've changed our relationship. We now view things differently with sex, friendship, money, parenting or spirituality, but we never truly sat down with our partner and brought them into our world to really understand what's going on. Then one day we say, you don't even know me anymore. And it's true. And it's because you failed to have the conversations. You stopped bringing things to your person. You expected them to just know, right? But you get mad when they say that shit about you. And when you really think about it, if you haven't brought them to this, have you even are you even giving them a fighting chance to try to make things work?

59:51If you're, if you are repressing your thought patterns for whatever reason, you're not giving them an opportunity to try to fight for the things that you guys are trying to build. You are removing their agency, their choice and all of this and you're effectively choosing for them because they don't know what's going on. So it's a shared responsibility. One person has to remain interested in enough to ask and the other has to remain interested in enough to be curious. Do the fucking check-ins. If you've been married 20 years and you're still navigating your spouse with the same map you made in years three, you're probably going to get lost. I was about to sing Doregly Explorer. I got a map or whatever it was. I'm glad you were standing there because people don't need to see that side of me. Back, back, back, back. I did. Can we all just take a second to appreciate how fucking hot my wife is?

1:00:53Can you come sit down so I can put the camera on you and everybody can just see how great you look? I know that this little, oh, your camera's not even on. Hang on. Okay. That little white shawl thing that you wear that's like the little linen thing that you've got on right now. I know that that's just an overthrow. It is. But it looks so comfortable and amazing. I like it. Yeah. Yep. Is it linen? I think it is. I like linen. Linen's my favorite material. The outside linen, the inside is a absorbent. It's a swim over thing. Okay. But you've adapted it to just be in the house thing. Yeah. I like it. Yep. What was the expression you put me on blast like that? I mean, you look good. Look how good you look. Everybody look how good my wife looks like. Come on. Thank you. What are you doing? I am homeschooling, cleaning the windows. You can see where my height limits me. Yeah. You don't even get that black stool. I'm not. Okay.

1:01:54Carry. Carry. But then again, I don't know if carries tall enough even with a step school. Yeah. I'm going to do a whole window cleaners. Yeah. Got a super chat. This is Hello Peach. Hello. I told them I would interrupt the podcast for super chats and we've been getting super chats. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. Getting a lot of gems too. I don't know what those do yet. I'm going to look into that one. But somebody called us adorable. I agree. I agree. Oh, man. I got nothing. Yes. Okay. You don't have to have anything. I just came on here because you told me to. I like it. I like it when you told me to do that. Yeah. All right. Let me get back to this. Okay. Thank you for indulging me. Thank you for not sticking your booty in front of the camera. That's mine. And that mistake once on page. Yeah. It's they did. It's so funny. I'm flustered. So I need a second, guys. I have no idea where I was at or what I was talking about.

1:02:54So I'm going to look at my document for a second and try to fucking center myself. Feel like I need to do a breath exercise. I'm a fucking heart racing. So here's a thought exercise. This is something that I want you guys to write down, journal, and I want your partner to do the same thing. So this is not just for you. This is an exercise that both of you need to do and then come back and work together to update. So here's a thought exercise. You can journal these things then then take them to your person and say I was thinking about you. I wanted to know how well I know you now, who you are. And then I want you to tell me if I'm right, what needs to be updated and I want you to add something new that I don't know. And those questions you guys got a pen you can pause if you need to. The first one is what stresses your partner out right now. What's the thing that stresses them out? What are they most proud of?

1:03:55What are they most afraid of? What are they reconsidering? Who were they comparing themselves to? And what do they want their life to look like five years from now? I'm going to take a long pause so you guys can get caught up. There's more questions. So I said just checked and you're meant to get extra money from the gifs or gems. Thank you. I don't know that's actually a money thing. How you show off peach is absolutely amazing. I've started doing that myself recently and has not only helped me with my self esteem and my showing my wife affection. I love that. Please post the list so I can write it down. I'm at work and I can't remind me to post that. The questions in discord and I will do that. I will post this the journal prompts in discord. If you guys are not a member of our Patreon, you miss out on so much shit. The discord is one of them. All right. So the next question is what parts of themselves are they currently trying to develop?

1:04:56What are they tired of carrying? What do they miss? What have they recently realized about themselves? Like some sort of introspective thing. What matters to them more now than before and what matters less? So I want you guys to journal about this. I want you to really try to be in your partner's shoes and their skin try to live as they are living and answer these questions. Then once you've answered them, go to them and be like, hey, I was thinking about you. I answered these questions from Chris told me to ask you to be better podcast, however you want to word that. I want to know how right or wrong I am. Then I need you to update what's wrong and then I want something new for every one of these questions and give them the paper. And ask them to do the same thing, right? Like this is not, this is not an unreasonable ask. If you ask this of your person and they tell you no, you have a really fucked up relationship.

1:05:57And I say that with my full chest, if your partner can't give you 15 minutes of their time, that's not your person, guys. It's really not shout out to Renee for getting these into the chat. She's actually posting the questions. Love that. Okay. So guys, we've told you over and over again that you don't necessarily need a new partner to have a new life. You can absolutely have a new relationship with the same person that you've been with. You just have to be willing. You both have to be willing to do the work. Doing the work only happens if both people are willing to do the work and both of you have to stop saying things like, well, this is how we've always done it. It doesn't matter if that's how you've always done it. If how you've always done it has got you in a position where you guys aren't okay, what you've always done doesn't work. Right? You may be together still, but being together and optimally, optimally doing the thing is not the same thing. Renee, did you get the other six questions, seven questions? Do you guys need me to run through the rest of those questions in case you didn't get

1:06:59it? I will post it to Discord. I got to stop saying, um, I hate that about myself. And when I edit my content, I see how much I say it and it drives me up the fucking wall. I also realized that when I open my mouth sometimes, you hear, and I fucking, you know, I'm fucking hate that too. Oh my God. Do I hate that it drives me so nuts? I'm like, I don't even watch myself. And it's not even like I'm smacking my lips. It's literally just me opening my mouth, opening my mouth and I'm parched. So instead of um, so one of the most meaningful things that we can give our partner is permission to keep becoming permission to say, I don't think I want that anymore permission to grow to reconsider to to discover something new about themselves, to say this matters to me now. And in return, we ask them to allow us to go with them on their journey. We are going to evolve together because you are involving me. You are entrusting me and your world and your vulnerability and your safety and security

1:08:00and you want to take me with you. And then you have to be willing to go on a side quest. But Renee, the other questions were, what parts of themselves are they trying to develop? What are they tired of carrying? What do they miss? What have they recently realized about themselves? What matters more to them than it used to and what matters less? So guys, you can't disappear into your growth and expect your person to figure out where you went. You have to say things like talk to me, show me and fight me, help me understand who you're becoming. And in return, I'll try to do the same thing because you can spend 20 years sleeping next to someone and slowly stop knowing them because you stopped being curious. You stopped sharing, you started assuming you got busy, you became parents, provider schedules, problem solvers, roommates, and if you're lucky teammates. But somewhere underneath all of those roles were two people who were constantly changing.

1:09:06And I would bet that it's two people who are wondering how the fuck they got to where they are and what do we do now? How do we fix this? Is this really what I want for the rest of my life? I think that's a question that you guys should be asking during the check-ins. That's something I'm probably going to add to the check-ins. Is this something that we want for the rest of our lives? And it should be asked, there's nothing wrong with asking for certainty. No, certainty is not the right word, clarity. I don't know, security maybe. I don't know what the word I'm looking for, but it does matter. So have the conversations, learn who you were becoming and find you were footing again. That's the end of part two of the three-part document. I got one more part that I'm going to go through this one shorter than the other two, but I'm going to open up for questions if you guys would like to talk to me about this part of the document. If you have any questions, we can run through it. Teigen got the questions some more of them. What parts of themselves are they trying to develop? Yep, that was one of them. What are they tired of carrying? That was one of them.

1:10:07What have they recently realized about themselves? That was one of them. What matters more to them than it used to, what matters less? Those are the questions. Good job. Thank you for doing the chat, guys. Thank you for doing the chat. The next part of this document is called, what does your partner worry about that they rarely tell you? I think that this falls into an insecurity, a fear of being vulnerable, a fear of reactive mind states, like this is a really big problem in relationships. Shout out to the 120 people who's fucking hanging out with me on a Tuesday at 930 in the morning. I'm not even in a relationship and asking myself these questions and you know why? Because you should be asking yourself these questions. It matters. These are important. How, guys, self mastery comes from knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Like that's, that's to be the best version of yourself. You need those three things.

1:11:07You have to be super introspective and like, man, the, the fucking better you are at you, the better version you will be for somebody else. You're going to have a dope fucking marriage. 53 like so far. Two love that shit like like like like like like like like. Share the video, guys. Let's get some foreign people in here. Let's see if we can hit 200 people before I'm done with the document. 630 for me. Damn. I'm glad you guys are finding these videos informative. I am really trying to do life changing shit. Some of it makes sense to me. Some of it, you know, hopefully makes sense to you and in return, hopefully we are making real change affecting real change. All right. So since it doesn't appear to be any questions on the second part of the document, I'm going to go ahead and move into part three. What does your partner worry about that they rarely ever tell you? If you can answer this, then you entirely miss the point of the question. We can know somebody's coffee order, favorite restaurant, morning routine and exactly how

1:12:10much or where they like the thermostat set and still have no idea what keeps them awake at night. Most of the hard things that people struggle with, especially men, ultimately get suppressed, regardless of the reason why, right? Maybe anyways, we bottle things up and we try to work through them on our own. For women, you may over explain or over share every day and men may still miss how this is affecting you because no one sees the world through your lens. How is about to go down this whole rabbit hole about how nobody cares about men's mental health and all that shit? And I know that that's the narrative being pushed on social media, but I don't believe that to be true because my wife asks me all the time how my mental health is doing. You may not have people in your life that genuinely care about these things, but it doesn't mean that people don't. And all the toxic behavioral traits that have been established in our life and I don't say toxic because it's bad for other people. I say toxic because it's poisoning us, bottling things up, holding it in, not having

1:13:14the hard conversations, thinking that we have to be stoic, never show emotion, never cry, suck it to fuck up. The only person that you're hurting in that is you. Your people might be getting splashed with that because you're failing to communicate your needs, but at the end of the day, you're going to die alone. We all are. And the way that you live your life is going to be determined on the way that you're able to talk about your things. So the reality of long term relationships is that familiarity creates an illusion of intimacy. All of those things that I listed are not intimate. That's simply knowing another human being because you live together. Guys, if you are a roommate with somebody for five years, you eventually know their Chinese food order. You know what kind of pizza they like. You know what they get from Taco Bell. You guys are kind of living life together and you do this enough that it gets ingrained in your mindset and you just kind of know what's what. That's not intimate. It's two people existing in the same sphere for a long time. So in your relationship, sure, you know their habits because that's what that is, but

1:14:19do you know their fears? Do you know what they currently love? Do you know what scares them? Do you know what lights them up? What's their current favorite song if they're listening to headphones and you're not in the car with them? How would you know these things? So ladies, what do you think your husband is afraid to tell you because he thinks he's supposed to simply have it handled? And if he thinks that, how much of that have you instilled in that thought process for him? Guys, what is your wife carrying because she doesn't want to sound insecure, needing ungrateful or to come across as nagging? If she does come across as nagging, does that mean that you have failed to hear her when she has brought things to you the first time that she did it? Is this the first time that she did it? Like how much attention are we really paying to each other? So maybe it's, all right, maybe let's give some examples. Maybe it's money, right? Maybe he's doing the math constantly and wondering whether this is actually going to be able to

1:15:21provide the life that he promised to his family. He doesn't tell you because he doesn't want you to worry. So instead he gets quieter, starts working more, becomes more irritable and you experience a distance and you don't actually understand what's the root cause underneath of it. And on a woman's side, maybe it's aging, right? She notices changes in her body that you barely notice as a guy. She looks in the mirror and wonders whether you still see her the way that you used to. She wonders if you're still attracted to her. She sees younger women and starts comparing herself even though she hates that she does it and you tell her she's beautiful, but you may have no idea that there is a massive insecurity that is taking root inside of her, right? I was going to go down a mothering rabbit hole because I know a lot of women that listen to our podcast deal with mom guilt, but I didn't want to, it's a lot easier to just go about looks and to go about like the deep emotional shit when it comes to mom guilt.

1:16:22So just know that I wasn't going to make it about looks, but I chose that instead. So the other things are maybe it sex. Your partner might be wondering, do they still want me? Am I enough? Why don't they initiate more? Why don't I want sex the way that I used to? Are they satisfied? Is there something wrong with me? Sex is one of those things that can be pretty vulnerable to talk about, especially if it's not been a consistent conversation throughout the course of your relationship. People will sleep beside each other for years while both people quietly wonder whether or not their person is happy. Maybe they're scared they're failing as a parent. Guys, I know I just kind of mentioned that skirted. This is one of those things that like people who parent from from parent guilt worry constantly about fucking their kids up. And if you aren't worried about fucking your kids up, you probably are, right? Like that, I think that's one of the biggest checks and balances that we have when it comes to being a parent.

1:17:24Being able to apologize to your kids, being able to remember what it was like to be a child and not have somebody listen to you and constantly being talked over or being fucking beat on like there's a lot that goes into that. And everybody says I did the best I could. Well, your best isn't enough, right? It's really not. It needs to be a constant evolution just like your marriage does. So as your kids are getting older and you are learning new things, you need to recalibrate the way that you parent. People ask questions like am I too hard on them and am I too soft and my present enough did my divorce hurt them? Did my childhood damage me in ways that I am now passing on to my kids creating generational trauma? Well, my kids actually want a relationship with me when they're adults. Your partner, male or female in this situation could be carrying all of that fear and stress and never mention it. Or maybe they do mention it. Maybe those are the thing that they bring up once or twice and then suppress the rest of the time because they don't want to view themselves as weak or because you've given them reassurance and that reassurance wasn't enough and there was no real conversation there.

1:18:24Maybe, maybe they realize that they can't depend on somebody else to co-regulate their nervous system all the fucking time. So instead of trying to dump that on you constantly, they've learned to just suppress it and ball it up. It becomes a problem. Sometimes people build lives around something that they no longer think they want that happens. Maybe you're looking at 40 or 50 years old now. Maybe you're my age at 45 and thinking like, is this really going to be my life? How sustainable is this? Is this going to bear fruit for existence, right? For all of existence, is this a very permanent or temporary thing? What does that look like? There needs to be reevaluations there and these need to be conversations with your person. There's fears of people believing that they should be further along than they are right now. You hear this a lot of from people in their 20s who are believing that they should be where you guys see all these people online talking about how they're making a hundred thousand dollars a month bullshit. That kind of money is is very, very rare to make. I saw somebody online the other day talking about how they're making like $600,000 a

1:19:29month. They made $250,000 last week. They're doing this. They're doing that. It's bullshit, especially if they're in their 20s. It's just not real. It is an internet persona. And the more you follow that type of shit and believe that type of shit, the worse off you feel that's behind all of these people who are like, by this program, I'll show you how to do this. You're the customer. You're the mark. You're the one that is helping them make the money that they're claiming to make because you think they have something you don't. People who are really making money like that are doing the thing to make the money. They're not selling you a program on how to do it that has another program that's going to take you to the next level, which will require you to buy another program to eventually get you to the next level. That's not how that works. You're the customer. You are their intended target marketed audience. It's important to remember. So for all of you guys who are in your 20s and 30s that are not where you think you need to be yet, stop comparing yourself to internet personalities. It's shit's fake. It's fucking fake, guys. Why do you think that we don't have content creator friends?

1:20:31Every time we meet people and they become part of our lives other than dead eye and like a couple of few people that we never really did content with, it's not real. Like people that do this put themselves out there in a way that's not authentically themselves to make money. It's why we don't vibe with people. That's really what it comes down to. It's why our relationships are the way they are. I think that it's, I'm going to move on. I just want to say that for those of you who think that you're running out of time or that you should be further along, that fear is a good thing. Don't let it cripple you. I think Warren Buffett didn't get rich until he was in his 60s. There are a whole lot of people out there who live their entire life struggling and then get lucky and make money. Are there people out there who are doing way better than you? Absolutely. There's people out there that are fucking crushing it that make me look like a fucking scrub. But that doesn't remove my wins. I'm not working on being that person.

1:21:31They're doing something with their life that I'm not interested in. You need to keep that in mind. Your growth journey, your success, because you have to define that word. That's part of what I asked you to do today is going to look different than other people's. If your predatory and your goal is to make money off of trying to scam other people out, I hope your dick falls off. You get some sort of weird vaginal infestation. You don't deserve to have a good life if you are taking advantage of people who are broken and desperate. Right? So the problem is is that fear rarely shows up as fear. Oftentimes it shows up as insecurity, anxiety, dread, money, anxiety. We'll start to eventually look like control. Insecurity can look like jealousy. Fear of abandonment can look like neediness. Career anxiety can look like irritability. Any insecurity will start to look like avoiding sex. Perennial guilt will ultimately become defensiveness and grief can look like withdrawal.

1:22:36Right? They've become distance because they're suffering. Harmful behavior does not get excused because there is an underlying fear. Understanding behavior and excusing behavior are two very different things. Understanding it gives us direction. We can talk. We can problem solve. But you have to be secure enough to hear what's being said. And you have to have a vocabulary that allows you to actually convey what's going on. Right? And not do it from a place of fuck you malicious intent. Somebody said do you still feel this way because I have gotten so much information and help out of hearing you mentioned something in a podcast and then going back to get a better understanding of what you mentioned. I don't understand your question. I have said a whole lot of things. So what do you mean do I still feel this way? I'm going to pause because I'm very curious as to what they were talking about. And I don't want to answer something and be answering something that's not applicable to what's being asked. But while I'm waiting on that, somebody said I know I'm not where I want to be at 27,

1:23:39but to be fair, I had a lot of surgeries and recovery. Health issues due to disability taking care of a family member going through alcoholism. None of that matters. You're 27 years old. Where do you think you're going to be at 27? You have not even made it a decade into your life yet. Guys, when I tell you the worst 10 years of my existence was 15 to 25, I'm not kidding. I spent more time locked up mental institutions, Baker acted on more fucking medications than I could even imagine. House arrest probation like 15 to 25 was the worst 10 years of my entire fucking life. So 27 years old, you shouldn't have it figured out. Like where do you think you're going to be at that point? You said that you felt bad about repeating the same points over and over. Oh, he had another comment further up. Do I feel bad about report? I don't like repeating myself. I feel like, okay, I'm going to be honest with you. You asked, I'm going to be honest with you.

1:24:40I've been doing this for five years now. From TikTok to the podcast. We've been just under five years. I'm going to call it five because it makes me sound like we've been doing this longer than we have been is what it is. I understand that we have had a fuck ton of conversations and get up in a ton of information and not all that information has been heard. Some of it has chewed up and spit out some of it's not digested. Some of it's not even been taste tested yet. And I fucking get that. My problem is that I believe everyone has listened to everything that we've had to say. Because we've said it so much they get it. And I know that's not the case because recently we asked our discord community to give us ideas for things to talk about in our documents. And a lot of the things that people have given us ideas on are content that we have made repeatedly over the last five years. They just haven't gotten to a point where they're ready to hear it yet. So when I say, I don't like repeating myself or I'm sorry, I'm hitting these points over and over again. It's not because of anything that you guys are doing. It's because I don't want to waste your time.

1:25:43I want the information that you receive and the time that you give me because you are giving me your time. It doesn't matter if you're in an excavator right now or doing cardio or driving to work. You could be doing something else with your time and instead you are investing in the To be better podcast. And I fucking respect that. I respect that so much guys. You have no idea how much it means to me that you guys tune in and listen to what we do. And I don't want to waste your time. I don't want to give you false information. I don't want to have to come back here and revamp the things that I've said. I want to be as clear and concise and as helpful as possible because I understand how much your time means to you because my time means a lot to me. So I guess this is more of a me thing than a you thing. I was what that comes down to. Guys, do the check-ins. I haven't said that enough this episode. Do the fucking check-ins. It teaches you how to talk to each other. Some people were raised in homes where fear was not discussed. Some learned that vulnerability gets used against you.

1:26:44It's weaponized. Some don't even have a language for what they're feeling yet. They were never taught how to convey the thing that they're going through. So creating a space where you can be honest from a place of love where you know conflict will not happen matters. That's the point of the check-ins. And when they finally tell you what you do with that information is going to determine what they tell you next time. How it's delivered. Right? Again, that's the point of the check-ins. We're learning how to talk to each other. If your husband admits that he was terrified of failing financially and you immediately criticize his spending, why would he ever bring his fear to you again? That shit's not helpful. If your wife tells you she feels unattractive and you dismiss her by saying that's ridiculous, you look fine. You may mean well, but you just shut her down from expressing the things that she needs to express and you didn't really validate shit. You've actually turned an emotional conversation into an argument with that because she's

1:27:44bringing emotion to you and you rebuttling the way that you did is an argumentative thing. Shout out to the two people that just subscribed back to back to the channel. Thank you guys for doing that. Sometimes the response is simply, I didn't know you were holding on to that. I didn't know you were carrying that. I didn't know it was affecting you like that and then sit in silence. One of the things that I learned. I had a job once where I had to do a, I'm so grateful for this. Real shit. This is one of those things that at the time I thought was absolutely fucking stupid and I thought I was going to get brainwashed. I worked at a company that was owned by a Scientologist in Clearwater and in order for me to get into management and I've had management jobs at everything that I've ever worked in except for fast food. I had to go and take a management course from Scientologists. You want to talk about being afraid of being brainwashed? I was in my 20s. I thought these motherfuckers are going to kidnap me and stick me in a hotel and like, cut my tattoos off and like, I was going to start knocking on people's doors and shit. Like, I don't know what the fuck I was going to expect but I went because I wanted to

1:28:47make more money and at the time that was something that was going to provide me access that I didn't otherwise have. One of the best things that I got from that course, I got a couple of them but one of the best things that I got from that is just to shut the fuck up. People get very uncomfortable with silence. How many of you just check to see if the podcast paused or if you're screen froze, right? There's a thing right there. There's something in you that with that three or four second pause made you feel uncomfortable. If you do that in real life when you're in a business meeting or if you're in a conversation with somebody, they are going to start talking because that silence is uncomfortable. You can use this in business negotiations. You can use this in conversations with your partner. This is a real power move. People will start talking and they'll tell on themselves. They'll do a whole lot of things to fill the fucking silence because that silence is uncomfortable.

1:29:47Same thing. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say, I didn't know you were carrying that and then shut the fuck up and just sit there. Let them have the conversation when they're ready to have the conversation. If they look at you and go, that's all you got. Be like, I'm just trying to be here for you. However, you need me to be here. If you want me to be silent, I can be silent. You want me to reassure you. I can reassure you, but I kind of need to know where you want this conversation to go. Then shut the fuck up again and let it go. Eventually they will start talking. People will tell you what they need. When they finally speak, you really need to listen to what they say. They teach you how to read and how to write. Nobody teaches you how to listen. You go to school, you learn to read and write. At home before you go to school, your parents teach you how to talk. Where did you learn how to listen? There are active listening skills that you can read about that will teach you how to effectively listen to what's going on. That is the strongest thing of what's going on because when you learn how to actively

1:30:47listen, you can validate. You can probe. You can get the real underlying thing of what's going on if you can creatively think while listening and you get a very different conversation from the person when you were engaged versus placating the conversation just to get it done. Other things to be aware of don't try to fix it. Don't make it about you ever. Don't tell them why they should not feel that way because nobody wants to hear that either. They already do feel that way you telling them to not do that is not helpful. One of the hardest things that can happen in a relationship is hearing that the person sleeping beside you has been holding on to something and keeping it from you. Do the check-ins. Buy weekly, weekly, monthly, whatever and be honest about what's going on. These things are going to change the way that you conduct yourselves. On the podcast, we spend a whole lot of time trying to teach you guys how to communicate or asking you if you communicate effectively, we've asked you over and over again if you've done the check-ins. Now I'm asking you if you honestly know what your person is going through and do they

1:31:52know what you're going through. This is the homework that you guys have for the night. If you don't know what they're going through and they don't know what you're going through, when was the last time you actually asked them? If you guys have never done the check-ins, shout out to Randall for becoming a part of the Early Access Discord community. Thank you for that. If you guys have never done a check-in or it's been more than a month since you've done a check-in, I'm challenging you to do a check-in. Just send your person a text message, be like, hey, if we've never done this, I would like to. If we have done this, it's time to do it again. I would like to connect with you on a level that I feel like we might be lacking. I don't care if you're new in the relationship or married for 50 years, you need to talk to your person. If you've been doing the check-ins and you've been doing them consistently, do a note-tech date night where you talk about history. I don't mean like what happened in ancient Rome. I'm talking about some shit that happened in third grade that you've never told anyone because you were embarrassed by it or the time that you were selling candy door to door

1:32:56and you met an old lady who gave you a toy or whatever the case may be. There are things no matter how long you've been in a relationship with somebody that you think about from time to time that you don't tell your person because it's not really relevant to life. It's just one of those things that you experienced, sharing those experiences matter. It gives insight to who you are. It gives insight to who the little version of you was, that little child that experienced whatever they experienced. It doesn't have to be all bad. I think you guys should do the thing. Almost 150 people, holy fuck. Thank you for being here, guys. That's the end of my document. I would like to open the chat to talk to you guys if you guys have things you want to discuss or anything you want to talk about. I'm here for it. Hailey said this conversation is why I ask so much in regards to what is wanted from a conversation. Do you want me to listen, help problem solve or is it venting? So that is a great thing. And for three seasons, we push the fuck out of that. You need to ask your person, are you venting or trying to problem solve?

1:33:56That's more for men because men will try to problem solve everything. That's just what we do. I do believe that to some degree that's almost like dismissing what they're going through. So instead of trying to say, are you trying to vent or problem solve, the better question is better thing is to verse validate. That sounds like that really fucking sucks. I couldn't imagine going through that whatever, whatever. I'm here for you. What do you need from me right now? Do you need my undivided attention? Don't say this. This is the thought process. I'm going to say, what do you need from me right now? This is giving them your undivided attention while doing it. If you've got your phone in your hand and you're doing this while asking them that question and it gates that question, full undivided attention and then give them whatever it is that they need. And if they go, I don't know, be like, do you need my undivided attention? Do you want me to hold you? You want me to brush your hair? You want me to rub your feet? You want me to fucking go outside and scream at the top of our lungs. What I'll do whatever it is that you need me to do and not because you need me to do

1:34:58it, but because I'm here. Right? I want to support you in this. It changes the narrative. Absolutely changes the narrative. Chris is homeschooling us. That's funny. You might not think it's relevant communication with everything, but with everything is key in a relationship. It is our all 10 parts going to be public. I think I'm going to do all of these public every morning. As she's homeschooling, I have nothing to do. I think that my thought from the chair stand alone content is going to be public YouTube lives. You two have instilled the importance on check ins and the dating questions. Once I feel ready to go into my next relationship, good. It might be off topic for the chat. I'm struggling with anxiety and panic disorder and need some techniques. It's debilitating. I would need to know more about what's going on to give you techniques because you could do the, you know, name five things, smell three smells or whatever that fucking thing is. I do physical things when I start to get stressed out. I dig my toe into the ground until it hurts that physical pain in my toe makes me ground

1:36:01and makes me focus on my toe and what's happening. But ultimately, your anxiety and your panic and your shit is your shit and understanding the root of what's causing that is going to be way better than trying to ground in the moment. It's been a while since our last check and I'm going to ask if we can make time for it tonight with the questions you gave. Love that. If that's the case, you should, you should write the questions out and give them ahead of time so that you guys can compare, compare your answers. When my man is struggling by carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, how can I support him without prying because he doesn't want to talk about it at all? Okay. So don't talk about it. Egnoligent. We don't have to have a discussion. I can tell that you're doing so much. Egnoligent the work that's being done. We don't, this is our job. Our job is to make it so that you're not being splashed and having to deal with all of this bullshit. That's the responsibility of the man. But you recognizing that we're doing these things and being appreciative and giving gratitude and giving words of affirmation. I'm proud of you. I see the fucking struggle and you're the motherfucker for doing it.

1:37:02It means so much. Like that alone can take some of the weight off and give us more fuel. Right? I just hit the nitrous button. Like you saw that I can do that. Watch this kind of shit. Like give the gratitude. Do the thing. You don't have to pry. You're ready to talk about it. He'll talk about it. If you see that he's struggling and you think that he needs some, some out of boy, give him some pride. I'm proud of you. I fucking see that you're doing the thing. I know that you're stressed out right now. I know that you're stressed out right now and you're not taking it out on us. And I know there's a whole lot of men that would do that shit and I'm fucking proud of you for that. You're a good man. Yep. Uh, Ashley said just to thank you, you are the only resource I found that makes BPD makes sense to a blue collar man. Nothing else feels genuine or real to that Midwest good old boy lifestyle. I, you know what? That means a lot to me. Thank you for that. Fucking thank you for that. Jay said I'm sorry, but I'm off to bed.

1:38:03It's nearly midnight. I'm so glad I got into one of your lives. I'll be doing it again tomorrow. Oh, wait, no, tomorrow's Wednesday. We'll be doing a public live stream tomorrow for, uh, with peaches because that'll be at 11, 11 o'clock our time. And I'll be live again Thursday morning between eight and nine a.m. Eastern standard time. Danish said if you found anything even the tiny bit useful from this, share it. Sharing the content is the second greatest thing that you can do. It is the greatest thing that you can do that doesn't cost you shit. If you guys join the discord patreon, that's the best way to support what we're doing with the podcast. It's going to continue that peaches and I, it's going to ensure that peaches and I continue to make content because this has become a full time job. I, I have stepped away from the tattoo shop completely. I've got Jeff Graham in there running the shop right now in, in since 2026. I have only been inside the tattoo studio while it's open. If she's been getting tattooed or we got a new apprentice or somebody that I needed to meet, otherwise, I don't even go in there anymore. We have removed so much of our life and made everything revolve around the podcast that

1:39:07like share the content, join the patreon. It's the greatest thing you guys could do to help us do the thing. How's your mental health today, Chris? I saw you slept well and glad to hear that. Let me, I fucking slept like the dead last night. For the first time in three years, I woke up this morning with no pain. My alarm went off. I turned my alarm off and I laid there for like 10 minutes going. I could not go to the gym today. Like I'm tired. I could go back to sleep. I don't hurt. And then I was like, you're a bitch for not going to the gym and I got up and I went to the gym. But I didn't hurt this morning. The car ride to the gym didn't hurt. Like I was, I don't know what happened last night. I slept like the fucking dead. I needed it. Notifications are turned on. Keep up the good work. Have a good day, man. This has been great. My partner was able to sit and walk with a talk with me today. I love that. Do you have any recommendations on helping deal with someone with PBD, BPD more. So what helps them? What do they need from their partner?

1:40:08Are you asking as a partner that has BPD if so, you need to read stop walking on eggshells? Buddha and the borderline. And I love you. I hate you. Don't leave me. Those three books will help. I mean, to help both of you, the stop walking on eggshells is written about being with somebody who has borderline. It will give you a different understanding of the person that you're with. That's my answer to that. Love that for you. How are you feeling after the gym? I feel good. I've gained a little bit of weight, but I'm doing cardio every day and lifting. I'm if I we have ceremony at the end of the month. And if I if I make ceremony and I'm able to do my cardio and work out every day through ceremony, it'll be the third time ever that I've completed 75 hard. But I don't think I'm going to, I don't think I'm going to. I think that when we go to ceremony, I'm going to actually just take the weekend because I haven't had I haven't taken a day off from the gym since we got back from Bali. I have gone every day other than when we were in Kentucky.

1:41:11And I've gained a little bit of weight, but I look very different with my shirt off now. Like my arms are full again. My traps are showing. My lads are getting big. So I'm I'm happy with my progress. I would like to lose some body fat, but I'm not I'm not dieting like that. So like it's not October when we do the the men's retreat in October, you'll see. Somebody said you have books or recommendations for complex PTSD guys. Anytime that you have borderline CPTSD PTSD bipolar, any type of mental illness, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectic behavioral therapy and cognitive behavior, I'm sorry, cognitive processing therapy techniques. Are the answer to all of that? You learn to go from logic or emotional brain to logic brain thinking and it changes the way that you deal with situations. So if all of those things are a thing for you, any of those things are a thing for you, that's my answer. Cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectic behavioral therapy are the most helpful resources that

1:42:14you're going to have. It's going to unlock some shit. It's going to be difficult. It's going to work beyond that psychedelics. I can't have that conversation on podcast because YouTube probably won't I'm not trying to get demonetized. Somebody actually just talked about micro dosing in the chat. There's a book by James Fatiman that goes into all of the protocols for micro dosing if that's something that you want to look into. Do your research. Yep. Are you still doing the full vegetarian diet? Nope. Nope. You want to talk about having the worst bubble guts in your existence. We got back from Bali. I was almost three months full vegetarian with no meat other than the occasional fish. And my stomach was fucking wrecked the entire time. I can't do that shit. I am a meat potato guys. My stomach did not handle vegetarian life at all. I am I still like the idea of not killing things to survive like being able to understand that our meat is second density beans and like I still have a faith aspect to that that

1:43:15I struggle with, but giving gratitude before I eat is helping that and making sure that I'm eating real food and not process garbage is helping that. So that's that's my you can call it a justification or an excuse as to why I'm eating meat still, but also you guys didn't know Chris wrote two books. Check them out on the website. I don't know if they're actually on the website. I know they're on Amazon, but I did write two books. You were not broken and no one's coming to save you. Where do you buy your food from? So we get all of our beef from a local butcher in Florida that that sells half cow and whole cow. So it's all grass fed and finished. So we order from directly from the farm and we have it shipped and just put it in a deep freezer until we're ready to eat it. We grow some of our food and then there's an organic fruit stand down the street from us. We are really trying to be aware of what we consume, not just our food, but also what we ingest digitally the time that we spend behind a screen.

1:44:17You are what you consume. So you guys get to the point where you start eating organic like all organic food and then you get to the point where you have something that's not real and it's processed garbage. You can taste it like it's it's so gross. When we came back from Costa Rica, everything was full on organic everything. I tasted like I was eating chlorox and like real like harmful poisons for probably a month when we got back from Costa Rica. Same thing when we got back from Bali. It's wild to me, the things that we eat here. Would your books be good for teenage boys? Yes, they would, especially no one is coming to save you. If you've got teenage boys that are dealing with heartbreak, you are not broken would definitely be a resource. But I think all teenage boys 16 to 18 years old should read no one's coming to save you. Giving that gratitude for sustenance is so healing for your soul and the soul of the animal. I actually agree with that. We started raising our own B five years ago and we will never go back. We want to get to the point of doing chickens, but I don't not try to do shit until we get

1:45:20some more land doing what we're doing on a quarter acres are three quarters of an acre is already kind of a lot. I want to do, I want to get at least 10 acres of land. I'd be happy with two. Just double what we have would be a lot of land compared to what we got, but 10 acres is the goal. I have a textbook on CBT, DBT and PTSD. If anyone wants scan pages or chapters, you can find me in discord under pop it of Jade. That would be gangster. Need that compound. Yeah, we do. It'll get there. We were not focused on it. It was starting to make me depressed and I had to step away because I was hyper fixating. Super chat from Naomi Tucker. Thank you for the super chat. Thank you, Chris and Peach for everything you do. Your podcasts has helped our relationship so much. Shout out to my him and hubris. Shout out to my man hubris. Thank you for being you and doing so much work to grow. I love you. I love you to hubris. You bad motherfucker. Get some bro. Look at that shit. Look at your wife acknowledging you on a fucking podcast in front of 130 people telling

1:46:23you that you are in fact that motherfucker. I love that. I love that. You know how to download the transcripts of these videos. That might only be something I can do. I don't know. I know that I download them and then run them through Premiere because Premiere tends to get it more right than YouTube does, but I can download the transcript off YouTube. It could be a creator thing. I don't know. I've never tried to download other people's transcripts. Thank you for your podcast and your videos. You pulled me into being a better person, better husband and a father. Keep diving your content. Need to change for healthier relationships. You should do. You should do. How has reading more improved your communication? Every time I encourage reading more, I get told I'm just focusing on my hobbies. I'm forcing my hobbies on others. I think there's so many benefits and feel like I run into a wall. It's because you're trying to force somebody to do something that you enjoy and you can't do that. You know, if they don't want to read how you can suggest an audiobook, I think that

1:47:25reading is one of the greatest assets that we have for personal growth and development because the people who write books normally have actually accomplished or done something with their life otherwise their books wouldn't sell. So having conversations with people who have done the things that you want to do is going to make you evolve. I go through, I read a lot. My books, like I was, I went through four, five, maybe six years of personal health, personal development self-help, business entrepreneurship, etc, etc, etc. All of my books now are all based around psychedelics and like learning molecular compounds and chemistry and things of that nature. But I still ingest at least one book every two to three days and it's consistent. So reading is fundamental. My spouse family has a farm we get from there since eating fresh from the farm. It has helped my stomach issues. If I eat from the restaurant, it kills my stomach. I can tell the difference.

1:48:26I believe that. I believe that guys were at almost two hours. So I'm going to wrap up. Peaches and I will be doing a Patreon live in a couple hours when she's done. Do you read with a physical book or audiobooks if audio what app do you use both? Both. I will listen to the audiobook first. And then if the audiobook gives me a golden nugget or hits me in a way that like I want to study that book, I'll then buy the physical copy. I will listen to it again. And then I will highlight and make notes in the physical copy of the book and then stick it on a shelf so that I have it. I do both. Audible is my biggest one. We have a Spotify account as well. So you can listen to things for free on Spotify. You can also sometimes find audio books for free on YouTube. So that's my answer to all three of those. But yes, so we'll be going live for Patreon only when she's done homeschooling. That's, I don't even know what time it is. It's 10.15. So probably around 11.30. 12 will be going live. I know that she's got a call. She's got to take out one. So I don't know how long we will be live for Patreon, but we will be going live Patreon

1:49:28only today. Guys, if you enjoy this, thank you. Share the content. Thank you for the super chats. Guys, it meant a lot. And we'll see you guys tomorrow for another public live. And if you missed tomorrow's public live, I'll see you Thursday between eight nine o'clock for another thoughts on the chair. Have a good day, everyone.