Anxious vs Avoidant, The Relationship Trap Nobody Talks About S4 Ep39

0:00And we are back. Welcome back, BumbleBitches. So for those of you who are watching this episode when it airs, which will be sometime in August,

1:02I think maybe July September, I think it's August, you'll be noticing that by the time this air is Monday and Friday content is just emails moving forward guys, all of the everything that we do that's going public will either be live streams where we do Q and A or email content only. If you want content like borderline personality disorder, parenting, attachment styles, love languages, repair, fucking active listening, all of the really cool things that's not just email content, you need to go check out our Patreon. We have a really big community over there in the discord. We call it the tribe because that's the way we conduct ourselves. We're very helpful with other people. There's men's and women's groups, there's homesteading groups, there's parenting groups, there's coaching and mentorship. Everything is through our Patreon. So I'm going to plug everything now. So I have to do this later guys. Go ahead and head over to patreon.com for it slash to be better. Join on the $15 tier, connect your Patreon to discord, get into the ball pit, say hello and join in with the debauchery. And new person and our discord the other day noticed that they don't have the powers to

2:04post photos and gifts, but I do. I slightly abuse that power. It's fun. I like gifts though. They get across better. My emotions and just words. Yeah. Yeah. Today's going to be a pretty decent day for us. We have to do the emails and then we go live in a little bit after that. You're going to go get your nails done. You're going to go talk to somebody about some hair stuff. Yeah. Have integration tonight for the church. Go live again. Possibly go live again. Today's a big day. Today will be a busy day. I'm glad yesterday was clean. Are we going to do your sleepy time tinctures that's not dream tinctures like your cam and me all and all that stuff? Yes. Well, we still need to finish the liminal. We haven't started that one yet. That's going to be the before star walker. So that'll be easy though because we're doing a small batch. Yeah. So we should be able to run everything through a drop funnel and one thing and then just rotovap it. No. So that'll be easy. That'll be a very non time consuming thing. Today's pretty cool because I blew my vacuum. We're going to have to make a video this for Patreon.

3:06When you guys run a rotovap, there's ethanol in that rotovap. When you put a vacuum line on that rotovap and you run the rotovap through a vacuum, it's a roto evaporator rotovap. You turn the vacuum on at our room temperature. It will boil the ethanol inside of the flask without it being in the water. Our house stays at 76 degrees now. So a fair night. So for me to plug all of this shit in with an ethanol liquid base and run a vacuum watching it boil instantly is absolutely insane to me. So my old vacuum didn't do that. My old vacuum needed to be ran through the water bath while doing the vacuum so that it would burn the ethanol out so that we can get down to the extracts that we were making for tinctures. I didn't realize that my vacuum was fucked up. It was working really good for ethanol based and methanol based products, but for water it wasn't making the water boil inside the rotovap. I hooked up a different vacuum and it fucking boiled the shit out of that water. And then I tried to run ethanol with the other vacuum and just turning the vacuum on.

4:08It burped and fucking flew inside the flask and I had to redo everything and clean the rotovap and this shit is so cool. It sucked that it burped and I had to go do all of that shit, but it was very cool to see how much that vacuum actually plays a part in boiling pressures. A seventh grade guys, like I never dissected anything. I never got to use a bunsen burner in school like there was no science experiments at all except for like kindergarten shit with like volcanoes. You know what I mean? So like all of this is super fucking new to me and seeing the way that the pressure works and temperatures work and learning the difference between freedom units and metric. It's just I don't know pretty cool yesterday to watch that happen. Waiting for you to stop talking so I get off. I wasn't going to join in on a conversation because I was croaky. You didn't miss out on much and in doing any of that shit in my high school either. I went to two different high schools. My chemistry class, I was really looking forward to chemistry because I was like, give a shrie. But I had a teacher who was like 450 pounds.

5:11She just sat at her desk and drank Diet Coke. Did a lot of paperwork. Watch a lot of cool videos. Yeah. The hands-on learning aspect of things, we got to experience two different exothermal reactions. The other night learn learn the importance of safety gear the other night because I almost fucked myself up. But it's it's really cool man to see these things do the shit like, I don't know. I had to stay in school. If I got to learn stuff like this, like I'd have been hyped to go to class. That was never a thing. I remember seeing movies where they were showing kids centrifugal force where they were sitting in a chair, spending a bike tire and it made the chair spin. As this fucking cool is shit, like I tried it in my garage and it worked. I would have stayed in school for stuff like that. We need more hands-on teaching. Yeah. Can't wait for the kids to be able to start messing with the science stuff that we have in the house. Back to the dream tinctures. Yes, I'm going to be making the sleepy time ones that don't that are not geared. I'm going to say are not geared towards enhancing dreams.

6:14So for those of you who have a hard time falling asleep, I'm going to have to do some research on things, maybe helping you stay asleep. I'm going to be creating something that will not enhance any of the vividness or the intensity or the dream recall. It will just be purely night night bitch. I mean, that's one of them call it with a little moon. Can NB? Yeah, a night night bitch. I am really looking forward to doing the Camamil extraction. Apparently Camamil has an aroma to it that is very, very pungent and pleasant when you extract it through the Soxlet. We bought that Soxlet in that heat element and we've never even turned it on. And I would really like to be able to use that for some of these other extractions. But I am very looking forward to Camamil. That's one of those ones that I've watched on YouTube and the guy every time he does an extraction, he always compares its pleasantness to Camamil. I love that. I remember the redhead guy right now. Yeah, he's like, this is pretty cool, but it's not Camamil. And I'm like, damn, you really enjoyed that shit. So now I want to do it. I also want to do a hot pepper extraction.

7:15I think I'm going to buy some dehydrated Carolina reapers and chop them up and put them into the Soxlet and try to extract a really, really hot capsaicin that you need like a cute, like a toothpick drop and an entire pot of chili to ruin someone's day. Fuck. Can you make me a pepper spray? I mean, carburetor cleaner. Okay. I mean, that would, I know it's a much bigger can. You can't carry it on a keychain, but if somebody ever ran up to your vehicle and you hit them in the face with carburetor cleaner, it's game over. Word. We could do that tomorrow. The cocoa butter is going to be here tomorrow. So I can make the chocolates. Tomorrow we don't, I have a Zoom call in the morning. Yeah. It's in the morning. It is the continuation of my parenting course. Oh, okay. So tomorrow's a full free day for us. Okay. I bought you stuff. I know and you only told me one of them. I'm itching with excitement. We dropped from 50 something people to 36 people. Apparently they don't like science.

8:16Hmm. It's okay. You know, jump into some emails. Yeah. Oh, back to 63. So it was just calibrating. Maybe it was a glitch in the matrix. Want to do some picture on emails? Um, I, we can do whatever. Somebody in the chat said I thought only special people had access to that, um, to test it. Yes. Once we have the testers done and we are satisfied with the final, final formula, it will go up on the website for sale, but it'll be limited drops on a 500 milliliter extraction, which is what we did. Each bottle's 30 milliliters will end up, I think we did the math on it. It was like 16 or 17 bottles on that first run, but it depends on how we fill the bottles. That, that dream, a star walker is such a potent mixture that I don't think that we should be selling them at 30, 30 milliliters. I think we should be doing 15 because because it's going to sit. They're not, it's not like you're going to take that every night. Like that's a, that would be like a ceremonial thing where you want some month.

9:17Yeah. Where you don't have to work the next day and you can sit down and really process what you went through. I think that a 15 milliliter would probably be a better, better option. I agree with that. To be clear, this is not a, like you're not going to get a body high from the star walker. This is not a, you're going to sit on the couch and feel fucked up. This is purely a dream herb. You're going to see far more enhancement in your dreaming. From my research, it is the psychedelic of dreams, of the dream realm, of the subconscious. While you're sleeping, you're not going to get good sleep that night. The Klee is going to prevent you from entering into REM sleep. So you're going to stay more in that in between of, yeah, like the lucid dreaming, the, you are going to be participating. You're not just going to be a watcher. It's going to be very intense. This, like my husband said, it's going to be a ceremonial ritualistic. I am on my journey of healing myself and I'm at a blockage. I feel like I need to receive a message from God or the universe.

10:18It's not going to be intense like that. What was I going to say? Oh, no, what was I going to say? What were you talking about before that? We were talking about doses. Oh, okay, nope. I got it back. Somebody in the chat said I thought that was a private chat, the dream we were. So I have changed the name of my little private testing group. It is now sweet dreams are made of these. Janay said that in the chat the other day and I was like, yes, that's the one. So from my knowledge, three, Janay is the only one who hasn't received her box. Because it got to go through Canadian customs. I don't think Stan Z says received hers either. I haven't received it. I'm right. She should have gotten hers already. I'm going to have to reach out to her. She should have gotten that two or three days ago. Okay. I know Janay hasn't received her. That's going to be like at least a week or two. It's set 11 to 14 days. Yeah. Okay. That's not bad. That is the separate private tester chat. But dream weavers is the chat that's designated within the main discord for anybody who wants

11:22to have first dibs once the line is dropped. I have all of the information for my tinctures in there. The goal for the tinctures, you'll just have to check the pen messages. And that chat is designated for the dream tincture talk. Once they are two masses, I'm keeping you guys updated in that chat as well because not everybody wants to know what's going on. That's where the information is. The announcements are going to be you guys are going to get first dibs once I put it online. So before I announce it on TikTok or anything else, that dream weavers chat is going to get it first. And what was going to say after that? What was I going to say after that? I have no idea. You can sense that I don't have my soda, but you can't remember for me. Well, I was actually sitting here thinking that I don't think that your tinctures will actually ever actually make it to TikTok. Yeah. I think by the time we announce them because they're going to be such limited runs that like people are going to order them and they're going to sell out before they make it to the point of us having to advertise it to another thing. I agree with that. It's also not like we're going to be making this shit every week. So when it sells out, it's going to be out for a while. Right.

12:23Right. So. But once everyone receives their packages, I will start to get updates where I also sent out a little kind of daily scientific data information collection and journal thing for them to do. How much they took. What time they took it, what time they fell asleep, the kind of dream, the intensity and all those kinds of things. So fucking excited. How do I join the Dreamweavers chat? I think it's just a drop down from the ball pit. So when you are in the ball pit, click on the ball pit, click on threads. There's a whole bunch there. There's I have a dream where we can all chat about dream interpretation, all those kinds of things. And then below that is Dreamweavers. And that is the one that you want to be in. So go into discord, click on the ball pit. Once you are on the ball pit, the fourth one over says threads. And you will see Dreamweavers in there. Once you're in Dreamweavers, you'll tap on Dreamweavers and then look at the pins. That's where all of the important information is.

13:23I haven't put the ingredients in there yet. That's what I have to do later. Okay. Ready? Yep. So this one is from Patreon. And in this title, are we triggering each other's deepest wounds instead of loving each other? Hi, Chris and Peaches. First, thank you for taking the time to read those. I've listened to your podcast for a long time because I appreciate that you don't simply pick sides. You challenge people to take accountability while also helping them understand why they're responsible the way they do. Oh, respond. I'm not rereading that whole sentence. Respond the way that they do. That's the difference between people who want to grow in people who want validation. Yeah. There's people like a lot of people will write in and then get super fucking butt hurt that we didn't take their side. Like, we've seen people leave our community because their email got read and it didn't go the way they thought it was going to go. Good for you. I agree. Continuing. That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I'm intentionally keeping this anonymous while we always keep it anonymous. Guys, that's not something you have to worry about.

14:24Please, please don't worry about that. I feel like I say that a lot. Probably once every three or four episodes. But people, this is one of those things that we have to remember that not everybody listens to every single episode. People clips, they watch the clips and listen to the clips. That's the most of the content consumed is through clips. So I'm skipping forward a little bit because it's just about being anonymous. My partner and I are a blended family raising two toddlers. We both work full time and I'm also a full-time college student pursuing a degree in business. In work, school, parenting and trying to nurture our relationship, life feels like it's constantly moving at full speed. That full speed is a choice. We understand a busy life. We live out of our Google calendar. Here we do. When I hear of, when I hear that sentence, right, like life is going full speed, it's going so quick. I feel like I'm going non-stop. That sounds like anxiety or panic or like I have to go, go, go, I have to get this done.

15:26Gotta slow down a little bit. You can be busy and have peace. May not help the emailer, but I'll help someone listen out there. Do I have an accent? You do when you try to say Sally sells seashells down by the seashore. Do you remember that? I do remember that. All right, continuing. You laughing at me? I am. I'm glad I still make you laugh. Me too. One thing that's important to understand is that I don't really get a break. My son's biological father hasn't exercised his parenting time and quite some time, so I'm parenting essentially full time. My family and lifelong friends all live in another state, so outside of my partner, I don't have grandparents nearby, siblings to call, or close friends who can help, who can step in and help. My partner and I are really all we have where we live. Oh, I can't just, okay, I was like having an internal battle of, is it going to be worth saying this? I'm going to say it anyway. That is also a choice. You not having a circle as a choice. I understand being busy.

16:26Like I just said, we fucking live out of our Google calendar. There are sacrifices made in my life to have other parents and other children in mind in my children's life. There, like, I don't, I won't do the laundry for two days and let that shit pile up. I'm going to get done anyway. I have a plethora of things to wear. I know my husband has a bunch of his favorite pants because of his autism. Like we are good to go. There has to be something given up in order for something to come in. And if that is something that you are longing for, right, speaking to anybody who's listening to this, if that's something that you are longing for, it's okay to let the dishes sit in the sink a night. Not with food on them, right? We're going to scrape the food off of them and rinse them off, but you can allow the dishes to sit overnight and put them in the dishwasher in the morning. If you are experiencing burnout, your life is working you not the other way. You need to make your life work for you, not life working you into the ground. I am sweating so much that I can feel the flowers next to me getting wet.

17:28Filthy. Haha. Say it. Second time today, your flowers have been wet. Oh my God. I like it when you refer to me as a flower. Do you think I'm a fairy? You know that fairies actually have a really dark history to them. I do. No. Okay. My version of a fairy is in like a dainty little whisp flying around the property. Sure. We'll go with that. Oh, that makes me feel good. Like a tinkerbell fairy, not a dark fairy. I believe I do believe in fairies. Yeah. Haha. Thank you for asking, not asking. Thank you for answering my silly questions. I totally just hit you with. Would you love me if I was a worm? Yeah, yes you did. Yeah. And you went with it. Oh, I'm loved guys. My life is great. Thank you for loving me. You're welcome. All right, continuing. I think that's part of why this relationship means so much to me.

18:31Despite everything I'm about to share, I truly believe we love each other. We've talked about marriage, buying a home and building a life together. Neither of us wants this relationship to fail. That's why I'm asking for help now instead of waiting until we're completely broken. Okay. Talk with this. This is what's up. We try to prevent the leak in building the house, not trying to fix the leak after the house is built and a family of five has moved in. Right. Right. I'll start with myself because I know I'm not innocent. I'm currently in therapy because I've realized I have anxious tendencies and relationships. If something feels quote unquote off, my brain immediately starts trying to solve it. I ask questions. I overthink. I analyze everything. I want to fix problems before they become bigger problems because uncertainty is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I'm positive here again. So I very much was this person in my past at one point in my past. And I want to touch on. I want to fix problems before they become bigger problems.

19:34I'm going to pose a question right for the emailer or anybody who can relate to this. How many of those were actually problems and how many of those were problems your anxiety created to perpetuate a self-destructive cycle that then affected the relationship. And I asked that because that's something that I had to face within myself a long time ago. That because of my anxious tendencies, I was creating problems where my partner was not upset at the time. And then because I was trying to fix things that did not exist, then they why are you doing this? You're pushing me away. You are too much. That desperate grab to make yourself okay is a rough place to be. Does that make sense? Yep. I use the rule of five guys. Five seconds, five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five months, five years. And the grand scheme of whatever is going on in your life, figure out where that falls and then it act accordingly. Five seconds mean your house is on fire and the support beam structure in the center of your roof is about to collapse on you.

20:35And kids on the other side of the house. Right. Five minutes means I got time to get everyone out of the house, including the dog and maybe some of the expensive items that we have before the roof collapses. Five hours means I got time to put the fire out. Five days means that the fire hasn't started yet. Five months, five weeks, whatever that means we got time to get insurance. We can re-insulate the home. We can fucking, you know, fire retard all kinds of shit on the property. So you have to assess the situation and figure out how much of your attention it actually needs. Real shit. A lot of you put such emphasis on things that doesn't need emphasis. If it's, you know, if you're five days, five weeks, five months, like, this isn't a problem. Right. It's information that you now get to work through. Like you got a lot of fucking time in five weeks to figure some shit out. You know, I don't know. I don't know. Napoleon used to not open his mail and they somebody asked him, how come you don't ever open your mail? And he's like, well, I do, but I let it sit for six months. And they're like, well, what if it's an emergency?

21:36He's like, well, if it's not resolved in six months, I'll deal with it. Most emergencies are going to work themselves out or they're going to become a real fucking emergency while you're there dealing with the shit. Most of the shit that you guys call emergencies isn't really an emergency. It's an inconvenience. But because your nervous system doesn't have to deal with things trying to fucking kill you the way that it did over the last 200,000 years, I believe it's a lot longer number. We're going to skip past that. We were very cushy. So now a bad email or a dirty, you know, a nasty text message from somebody or, you know, your best friend having a nasty tone feels like the end of the fucking world. It's not the end of the world. You're just soft. Do you think so? I wanted to touch on one Napoleon was a super fucked up dude, but what a queen for not opening his mail like that. Why was he a fucked up dude? He was very egotistical. He because I believe his height, like there was definitely trying to make up for that. And he was very disgusting towards Josephine. I mean, we watched an Napoleon movie, but yeah, that movie was, I like that movie, but

22:42I don't think that it was like it didn't portray him in the way that he was accurately like his grossness towards Josephine. Yeah. And then the other thing that I want to touch on. So to kind of just cycle back to the creating problems to try and fix the problems and it's pushing your partner away, I recognize that I was creating problems to try and fix them so that I would feel better. Because once I fix something, I'm okay. My nervous system has an action to latch on to. So think about that. You're creating problems to be able to fix the problem because fixing the problem is what comes your anxiety down versus box breathing or meditation. I'm going to go blow my nose real quick. Okay. All right, back to the email. Yep. I also have ADHD and take medication daily, even with medication, my brain rarely slows down. I'm constantly planning, remembering, anticipating, organizing and trying to stay several steps ahead. That was hard for me to say.

23:43I'm not going back. Sometimes that's one of my greatest strengths. Other times, it's absolutely exhausting. I've also realized something about myself, that my therapist and I have been working on. I'm incredibly self-aware, sometimes almost too afold. Usually, I know exactly why I'm feeling the way that I do, where I struggle isn't self-awareness, it's mindfulness. I have tendencies to process my thoughts out loud. If something crosses my mind, I often say it before I really even considered whether it's the right time, the right wording, or whether it even needs to be said at all. I'm learning that being self-aware and being mindful are two completely different skills. My partner is almost my complete opposite. When he's overwhelmed, he needs space. Oh, no, I'm confused. You've confused me. When you said the complete opposite, I meant you thought he was going to say that he doesn't say anything out loud and doesn't communicate. So are you saying that you are someone who doesn't need space and that you need proximity to feel better about something when you're upset?

24:44She's saying she's anxious attachment. He's avoidant. Okay. She didn't describe that as needing to be around him though. She described it as over analyzing, asking questions, wanting to fix problems. I view that as a different type of anxious attachment versus somebody who's like a follower. We need to finish this conversation now. You can't leave me by myself, those kinds of things. I think both of those are anxious attachment. They're just different scales. That's why I said a different level of... I think that somebody of following and doing what you just said is an extreme level of that and just hearing that is exhausting to me, especially as somebody who is naturally an avoidant. No. I used to be that person, the follower. Okay. Going on, he tends to process internally instead of verbally. All right. That's what I was looking at. He doesn't naturally think several steps ahead like I do. He's much more of, we'll handle it when we get there type of person. You can probably already see our biggest issue. I'm going to challenge your thought process emailer and say that you're assuming he doesn't

25:48think ahead when in reality, he's not crossing bridges before it gets there. There's a difference between knowing a bridge is coming and mentally trying to cross that shit when you're still 15 miles away from it. This is the rule of five. You can't say that he doesn't think far ahead. Not in his head. All right. You're not there. You don't know. There's a whole lot of, I'm not going to worry about this until I need to worry about this. Why would I pay a debt? I don't know. Worrying about something before there's a reason to worry. Increases your cortisol levels. It fucks with your sleep patterns. It fucks with your hormone levels. Like there's a whole lot of sickness that comes from being overly stressed out all the time. Good. Good. Yep. Hey, we had a hundred. A hundred. When I feel just like I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a, when I feel disconnected, I move closer. I felt it. I felt you say weird. Haha. I didn't know. I didn't.

26:49No. No, I didn't think it either. What was it? I didn't think anything. No. Haha. I was totally spacing out. Haha. Is that what you do around me? Sometimes. Oh my god. You don't act like you fucking don't ignore my stems. I walked to the house every once in a while. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah. You do that? I do it all the time. I have never heard you do that. Well, it's probably because the house is so big. Anytime I have, like, you know, when you, when you feel like somebody stepped on your grave and you have that whole body, I make noises when that happens. Why have you never done this in front of me? I have done it in front of you and I've shook my hands and everything. You've never made that noise. I have. You have not. I've never been commented on it because that's why my stepdad said retardo kills his enemies with nonsense. We've had that conversation because of me. I mean, not that stem. We've had that conversation with like other stems, but I've never heard you go, blah, blah, blah, blah. It happens. It does happen. You want me to get your attention next time so you can see it?

27:52Yeah. I feel like you're hiding a part of you from me. Are you doing this like in the peripheral? I can't see. I could be in the kitchen and you could be in the living room and not hear me. Right. I don't know. Okay. I don't know how I feel about you spacing out on me. I'm the greatest entertainment you're ever going to get. I'm the greatest good you ever going to get. You remember that from the Incredibles? Nope. No. He's like, honey, where's my super suit? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, what? For the greater good. Oh, I'm the greatest good you're ever going to get. Yep. Love it. Good scene. Pay attention to me. All right. Continuing. When I feel disconnected, I move closer. When he feels overwhelmed, he moves away. The harder I pursue, the more pressure he feels, the more he pulls away, the more abandoned I feel. We become stuck in a cycle that neither of us seem to know how to break. One of the biggest struggles in our relationship is what I can only describe as the mental load. I constantly feel like I'm thinking for both of us.

28:54You feel that way? Yeah. This is usually a self-imposed thing. Appointment, school, work, bills, custody schedules, childcare, planning, family time, making sure everyone has what they need, trying to anticipate problems before they happen. My brain never really gets rest. So this is one of those things where I would put, I don't know, I'd bet a whole New York cheesecake on the fact that you've probably lived your whole life with this mental process of things need to be done a certain way, right? And if you got into this relationship, maybe you were trying to impress him or it felt good to take on these kinds of things because it was feeding into your ADHD of being able to organize and file and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like now you're at a point where I can't do this anymore, right? And unless you've had the conversations of, I need help. Or like was there a division of labor when you guys got into a relationship? If he's lived this whole relationship with like, oh, she's got it with what he perceived as enthusiasm because you enjoy scheduling things or tedious tasks or whatever the case

29:57may be, he's going to think that you're okay with this unless you speak up. And I'm not saying that that's how this played out. It's just a added perspective to see a different lens through. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, you don't spend, you know, an entire relationship doing something and not expect to just be the way things are. The idea that, you know, she's been doing this the entire time and now she's got a problem with it. You played your strengths. Yeah. So like there's a whole lot of things that you are just naturally good at because of your ADHD that you should be continuing to do. All of the things that's listed though is a mental exhaustion and it's things that you simply can say, hey, I need you to take this off my plate. This isn't a hard physical labor thing. It's making phone calls and making sure that schedules are remembered. And you can literally put that in a Google calendar and Google will remember that shit for you so that neither one of you have to. This situation is a weird thing for me. Yeah. Because I think a lot of this is self-imposed.

30:57I agree. As somebody who's experienced this, it was for me self-imposed. I was doing all of this to myself because that was the survival mode that I was in. It was also kind of like a brainwashing. I felt like I was watching myself third person do these things. I wasn't living my life. I was living a robotic survival mode. And breaking that cycle was recognizing that I can fucking control me. It sucked to have to rewire my nervous system and do uncomfortable things and sit in that discomfort until my nervous system calmed back down. And I was able to register, okay, I am okay. I am capable. I can keep myself safe in all those kinds of things. There was also this level of do or die for me. The world's not going to end, but my world is going to end if I don't get these things done. And the first time that I let my clothes sit in the dryer and not put them the way the same night, I had a whole panic attack. I had to force myself to sit on the couch and be like, the clothes are not going to get moldy. You did two different dry cycles.

31:57They can sit in the dryer. You're exhausted. You've worked 16 hours today. The kids are finally asleep. Sit on the couch and relax. And it was not relaxing. It was fucking terrible. But now, I mean, my husband does our laundry now because I asked him for help. But there were times that we lived out getting our clothes out of the dryer because our life gets busy to a peak in the week and then it dips off. And I don't even second think it now. I never second think it. Yeah. This is what I'm talking about with it being self-imposed though. This is things that, it's only a problem if you make it a problem. Yeah. I real shit. I can live, I don't need paper or I don't need plates and cups and bowls most of the time. I am like, I would live like a typical bachelor. If it was just the two of us, I would, everything that got cooked would get cooked on a paper towel and a microwave. It's a time thing. It's a laziness thing. It's a, I don't want to clean up after this thing. Like, all of that doesn't matter to me. The laundry being in the dryer doesn't matter to me. The dish is being in the sink doesn't fucking matter to me unless there's bugs in the house.

32:58Right. So like, you have a different clean standard than I do. If I was single and it was just me and there was no kids and no you, no dog, the house would be very different because I'd be bored out of my fucking mind sitting here by myself all a day. There's a whole lot of entertainment to be had when there's just two of us. Not just like because we enjoy our lives, but because of sexy time and we leave the house sometimes and we record and like, we have a lot of really dope experiences throughout the day and I would rather have that than chores. I agree. So. Yeah. Continuing. My brain never really gets to rest. Meanwhile, my partner would probably say I worry too much and make life harder than it has to be because I'm always thinking about the next thing. I agree. Yeah, I agree to. We talked about on one of the things that we recorded recently about how before there was a washing machine or a dishwasher, there was an all day process to do those tasks. Cooking was a bigger deal than it needed to be because you had to go to the grocery store

33:59every day. Like there was a whole lot that went into that. You just have to stoke fires to cook. Right. Then we got to the ability to push a button and the button did all the work and then we found other things to fill our time. So even if you took some of the shit off of your plate because of the way your brain works, you're going to fill that void with new things and the cycle is going to continue. Yes. And eventually there's going to be nobody there that can take the items off of your plate because they're all your items now. You have continued to refill that cup until it can't hold anymore. Then you're going to be stressed and burnt out because you didn't learn how to self-regulate. So what you need to do in this situation is not worry about ponding off responsibilities to other people. It's about time management, learning how to meditate, learning how to get your head to calm down, slow down, whatever the case may be, and then move forward that way. So what are things that you would recommend to helping calm the brain down? Meditation. Breathing, box breathing. Yeah. Box breathing meditation journaling, I think would help a lot.

34:59Yeah. So when you start feeling yourself get overwhelmed, you can like I can pick a spot on the wall and just stare at it. And anytime a thought comes in, I can think black circle. And I can make it so that there are no thoughts in my brain. And like if I if I'm really having like a high stress day, I will close my eyes and picture a white field with a black dot on it. And as I focus on the dot, I will make it bigger in my mind until there is nothing but blackness in my mind. And while I'm doing that, I'm focusing on my breathing, but that is a clean slate. It's like pressing the reset button on a video game back to even keel. And now I get to organize my thought processes as I see fit. Really? Yes. I love hearing how your brain works. I have a garden in my mind, a garden in my mind. Just shut all that shit down like a projector on a movie screen. It goes black. Then I'm in a garden. And I'm touching the willow trees and there's a little pond with koi fish. And all I'm thinking about is how dope it is to live in my body right now and I'm not

36:03thinking about anything else. Are the koi fish come? Yeah. I love it when they do that. I always take pictures of them with their mouth open. They feed me. Continuing. Honestly, I think we're both right. Another issue is priorities. Okay, I want to pause. So I think we're both right. So by you're both being right, you mean your partner would say that you worry too much and you constantly feel like you're thinking for the both of you. Because if that is, if my assumption is correct, that that is what you mean on. We're both correct. We're both right. I think that that is perspective of you. Unless this guy is super lazy and he's not willing to, I'm assuming because you said a blended family and you had a child with a previous man who no longer wants to be a part of the child's life, he also has a child. Unless he's like, fuck that bitch, I'm not willing to drop her off and you decide to do

37:03that right. You don't have to do that. That's a choice to do that. The other parent can come pick up the child, whatever the case may be. That's a self-imposed thing. But if he is that kind of person where he's not, he's missing phone calls and he's texting you like, hey, the doctor just called me. Can you call them back? And that is a repetitive thing and fill in the blank for other lazy adult things. I can understand how you're thinking for the both of you. If you mean you're thinking for the both of you that he's not jumping onto the anxious boat with you and trying to plan things three months ahead, I wouldn't want my husband to live that way. I know living this way can suck at times. So there needs to be a level of, are you viewing this emotionally or are you viewing this? I don't want to say realistically because realistically, like what's fucking real, right? Logically. There we go. Logically works. Did I land that airplane? Yeah. I'm like, I'm really, I heard no, I'm so sorry. I had to say it.

38:03Okay. She landed the plane. She just didn't do a very good job of it. Yeah. No, I was thinking of the plane crash before you even took off. It hitting the ground is landing. That's true. It's just not a good job of it. Yeah. Okay. So sorry. Was that too soon? The, um, the idea of, oh, no, I'm so sorry. Was it the jumping on the boat and being anxious? You said that if the doctor calls, he doesn't answer the phone and says, hey, I need you to call the doctor. That's what you said, something along that. We have responsibilities that we deal with. I would never ask you to call the mortgage company, but I'm not going to get on the phone with the fucking vet when the vet calls. Right. There is a level of playing to strengths that I had stated earlier that needs to be focused on. You have things that you're good at doing. If you were like, can you call the kids doctor? No, I can't. I've never had a conversation with these people. You're going to give me information to relay knowing that I can barely remember your

39:04fucking Burger King order or what you get from law while when we go. When you tell me every time we walk in and you expect me to do this effectively, and then when I don't, you're going to be upset and you're going to have to call them anyways. I'm going to be upset because I didn't do what I was supposed to do because I forgot. It's going to create a problem in my brain. Now we're at odds. Why don't you just call and deal with the doctor? This is you play to your strengths. You getting upset because he doesn't do these things. Has he ever done these things? If you've always done them, this is your job. Whether it's been spoken or not, if you've been doing this the entire relationship at your job, there are things that just doesn't fall on my plate. There's things that just don't fall on your plate. Touch the trash cans for the first time in like four years because both of them were behind my Bronco. Oh, yeah. And I had to back out of the driveway and I had just asked you to do something else inside the house. I'm like, I'm not going to have my husband stop what he's doing inside to come move the trash cans, right? So I moved the trash cans and I like, I stood there and I looked at them and I was like, I know I'm not my husband. Like, don't be scared, guys. I'm a little scared.

40:04But I hope there's not spiders on you, but we'll be okay. For real? In my mind. Okay. Maybe I whispered in. Why are you judging me? Judging. I just curious you were actually out there talking to yourself or the garbage cans. I cause you do shit like that. So I was curious if that was actually happening or if you were just trying to be funny for the podcast. It did actually happen, but I put on, I felt put on spot like you were judging me so I said it happened in my mind. Okay. I'm going to be okay for Fibon. Continuing. Another issue is priorities. My partner has hobbies that genuinely make him happy and I don't want him to lose those parts of himself. I don't want him to stop seeing his friends or stop doing the things that make him feel alive. But there's no but she just continues to say where I struggle is that sometimes I feel like our plans becomes the easiest things to move. If we make plans together and something else comes up, I often end up feeling like I'm

41:04the one expected to understand, wait or adjust. When I try to explain that, he hears criticism. He hears that I'm saying he isn't enough. That's honestly not what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say I want our relationship to feel protected too. Okay. So she moves on to a different point after that. So do you have anything to touch on there? I actually do. The idea of us moving our plans around because it's easier than moving other plans makes sense. We are going to have a good day no matter what we do. I am just as content staying home and turning my fucking phone off as I would be going to something. Actually, that's a lie. I would rather just stay home. I would rather not go out and do shit with people. I prefer to be in our home with our artificial environment watching the TV that we want to watch, holding each other, fucking whatever it is that we're deciding to do in our living room without other humans around because that's way more enjoyable to me than having to go do something. If something came up and we had to cancel plans, most of the time it's going to be an

42:06easier conversation with you than it will be with other people because you and I live a very similar life. We are one flesh. We operate on the same team. Now, if this is we had a date plan for three months and we are going to go see a show and something came up trying to get me to cancel that show versus canceling the plans with somebody else is a different conversation. But on day to day things like there's times where we just don't want to do shit. She didn't give an example as to what it was. Right. So I am now going to make things up because there were no examples. My thought process in this is I agree with my husband, right? It is much easier for us to move things around than it is to move around. My buddy who I haven't seen him 15 years flying in and he's part of our friend group and like they want to go out to a football game. Right. I'm going to ask if we can move something for that. I don't want to miss out on it because I know the rest of my friend group is going to go hang out with this guy and I'm going to be the odd ball. I'm missing like core memories being made on this night because who knows if he's ever going to be able to make it back over here again.

43:07Also I would have an issue with this if it was a consistent thing and all of the sudden in the last eight months we haven't done anything private together. That would be built up frustration, built up. I'm constantly tossed to the wayside. I don't feel like I'm a priority to you because you're putting bar nights over me. Right. Now if this was like the guys asked me to hang out tonight, are you cool with going out tomorrow night instead? Word. Right. But I would also expect like, hey, the last three times you've canceled our dates and I really want to do something with you tonight. I would expect it to be like, hey babe, you're right. Like I have canceled on you the last three fucking times. We try to do something together. There's a difference between seeing each other every day and fucking seeing somebody for an hour straight without distractions. Also, sorry. The issue and that's not the canceled plans. The issue and that is the loneliness. It's the disconnect that's happening between two people because you are prioritizing other things.

44:08It's a very different conversation though. Yeah. This is totally off topic. You said our artificial environment. Can we move the living room around? Is that still something we're intending to do? Yeah. Can we paint the living room? No. Because of the ceiling. I'm cool. Why? I mean, we could paint into the ground with that whole arc in the center. I'm not standing on a 30 foot ladder. Okay. And I'm not going to paint the living room. I'm going to message Mike and ask him if he'll trade me a graphics card to paint my living room. I'm going to do that right now as a matter of fact. I would like it like a dark ever for a screen. What do you think of that? We'll figure that out another time, not while we're recording. What if I stood on a 30 foot? That's not going to happen. I don't want to paint the, I don't want to do that. I understand. Do you? Because you've asked me to paint the inside of that thing a lot and I told you know every time and you continue to ask. Well, you just said you're not willing to stand on a 30 foot ladder. So that sounded like maybe you were open to painting it.

45:08You are afraid of heights. Okay. I wasn't talking about paint the ceiling. I was just talking about painting the walls and the walls. Yeah, the walls I'm okay with painting the inside of that thing where that chandelier hangs in the event that we ever sell the house. Like that's going to cost a lot because you're going to have to get a lift in here to paint that. It's just not worth it. I want to enjoy our artificial environment. Are you cool with fake plants in the house? Can we, can we do this after we're done with the email? Give one of us for members to have the conversation. You can make yourself a note. Okay. Social media has also become an issue. Earlier in my life, I created online content that brought attention. I step away from most of that because this relationship matters more to me than internet validation ever could. So then why didn't you step away from all of it? You said I stepped away from most of it. So are you still making thirst trap content? Or are you making other type of content because all content gets you attention?

46:08And that sentence explains it. I still enjoy posting tattoos motorcycles, creative content and documenting life because I genuinely enjoy creating. From his perspective, some of that attention feels disrespectful. Yeah. So, okay. As somebody who rides motorcycles and has tattooed my entire life, posting a picture of a tattoo to show your work is not the same thing as is showing you tattooing with your tits half out or being provocatively dressed while in the tattoo shop to show that you're a tattoo artist or sitting in a bikini on a motorcycle. You can post a picture of the motorcycle. Saw a video of a Lincoln Continental the other day that was done up, done the fuck up. I watched that video like three times because one of my dream cars on I know I'll never own it because it's from the 60s. And to find one in that shape, you're looking at a quarter of a million dollars easy, but that car was so fucking sexy and there was no one in it. No people, not a single person in that entire video. It was just the car. Can't give attention to somebody.

47:10If you're giving attention to the vehicle, it's not the same thing. Right. Yeah. There's a difference between posting creative content and posting yourself. Right. Selling the creative content. Right. Right. Posting tattoo. So, my husband gave the perspective of being the tattoo artist. Now, are you showing off your tattoos? And how does that look? Right. I got an ad yesterday for a woman who looked like she was covered in Friday the 13th tattoos. And it was she was obviously trying to sell whatever her product was, but the entire ad was a woman lane and underwear with no bra on like this. What the fuck? It was on Facebook. Like it was a whole ass ad with her lane like this covered in shitty Friday the 13th tattoos. I have no idea what the ad was about because I saw it and I was like, next, like I don't need to see this shit. What a world we're creating for our children. Yeah. We know that sex marketing sells products. You look at like all of the Budweiser girls and the beer girls from the 80s and 90s, like

48:11there was a level of sex that got people's attention to make them watch to sell the product. Now the interactions have become much shorter. Commercials used to be 30 to 45 seconds now. You got six seconds to catch someone's attention. And if you're if you're go to is sex, people have to figure out what the fuck it is that you're selling. Like me, you're never going to land an ad because I'm scrolling past that shit. I think it's super inappropriate. If the tattoos were good tattoos, that might have caught my eye because good tattoos are rare. But like even that like seeing somebody half naked like that is inappropriate as fuck. If I saw a dude sitting standing in his box or shorts, same thing covered in shitty tattoos. I'm scrolling. Now if I saw somebody covered in Jesse Levitt's tattoos, I would probably stop and look at those tattoos because he's a phenomenal fucking tattoo artist. But that's the difference of looking at a five year old crayon drawing in a dolly painting. You know, I don't know. People don't do that though. They're using the body and the sex to sell the product and you have no idea what the fucking product is.

49:13Continuing? Yeah. From his perspective, some of that attention feels disrespectful. From mine, it feels like every time I adjust something, another concern replaces it. I don't think either of us is trying to control the other. I think we're trying to protect the relationship in completely different ways. I think you are not adding enough context to this because I do think that it is a controlling thing. If you change the way you are posting and he still finds something to bitch about, that's manipulation. Okay. What if she changed something but the behavior that he wanted changed continued? So what if what if there's the post are men in the comments talking about how fucking hot you are or how great your ass looks and you change the type of content but the comments in the section, the comments in the comments section continues. Would that change your thought process on that? Men say that to me now and I don't post things like that. Right. So that's an insecurity in him. It depends on what's continuing to be posted.

50:14Can't control what other people are saying and you can't get mad at her about that. Yeah. People do say a whole lot of inappropriate shit to you. The didn't answer my question though. What was the question? He has a pro, assuming that he has a problem with the behavior of the comment section. Maybe he is insecure. Maybe he doesn't like that. She's getting attention from 50,000 fucking dudes and he is feeling inadequate because I can't compete with the internet either. I could tell you you're beautiful all day long and I can crush you and rub your feet and do all of those things but I cannot compete with the internet if that attention is somehow filling something in you. And if I noticed that you were, this was not my question. This is the elaboration of my question. If I noticed that you were allowing those comments to inflate your sense of self worth or deflate your sense of self worth and it started creating tension between us and I was trying to get that behavior to stop and we had conversations about what you were posting and you changed what you were posting but the behavior continued and I still had

51:19a problem with the behavior. The issue wasn't the content that was being posted. It was the attention that you were getting. So if the attention that you're getting is the problem and that doesn't change is he insecure or wrong for asking that bar to be moved because what he was originally asking for was never fixed. I don't understand what you're asking me if, what do you mean her behavior? If she's posting things, that's a problem for him and she's, for example, is not posting herself anymore and she's just posting pictures of painting. What behavior has not changed? The behavior of the internet. I don't understand what you're asking. Okay, don't worry about it. I don't want to continue to, to, to rephrase the question. It's not about her. It's about the way that people conduct themselves on her page because it's been okay. If for the last six years of her life, people have been super fucking inappropriate in the comments and she's never addressed that. Okay. She's in a relationship now married or whatever the case may be and he's got a problem with the way that people are treating her and she's changed the way that she's posting but has not addressed the fact that people are being fucking creeps and that behavior

52:22continues is he insecure or wrong for asking the bar to continue to be moved because what his issue is is not the thing she's posting. It's the behavior being conducted in the comment section. Like her interactions or the lack of her giving or the lack of her saying like guys, I'm going to relationship back the fuck off. I mean, that's definitely part of it. It's all hypothetical though. We have no idea what's going on. Okay. I'm trying to understand on a different level because if you were the comments that you get in the comment section doesn't bother me. Everyone fucking knows that we're together and you don't engage with that shit. But if you're heart reacting, people saying you got a fat ass or you're giggling and you're you're responding to these things and you are encouraging that behavior. That's a problem. It is a fucking problem. And if I was like, you need to stop posting things like that and you stop posting things like that. But then you post TikTok dance videos and you're getting the same fucking attention. Doesn't matter that you changed what you were posting, you're still getting the attention. That's what I'm getting at. Nope. That's the same thing just in a different font. Right. Continuing. Yep.

53:23We've both been through some incredibly dark things in life. Without going into detail, we both experienced traumatic childhoods and relationships before finding each other. I think we both genuinely want peace now. The problem is that our survival mechanisms are completely different. One says figure it out, fix it, talk about it. His says back away, calm down, handle it later. I'm not wrong with that. Approaching thing from a calm, logical, mind state. Right. That first one, I'm sorry, I mean interrupt you. You have anything to add to that? You're going to get it. No, that was my statement. The figure it out, fix it, talk about it, sounds like anxiety. The back away, calm down and handle it later, sounds like a regulated nervous system. Yeah. Someone in the chat said his insecurities are not her problem. I strongly disagree with that. If you are married or you are in a committed relationship and you are talking about getting married, your partner's insecurities are absolutely your problem because the way you conduct yourself is going to feed those insecurities or it's going to feed security and your behavior

54:26matters just as much as the internet or anything else that goes on in that situation. You saying that your insecurities are not my problem? It's basically being like, I don't care that you don't like this, get over it. Instead of going, I understand that this bothers you. Let me try to find ways to make our life and even keel. If my wife was doing something that I viewed as disrespectful or it made me feel insecure about our relationship and we talked about it and she's like, that's not my problem. Right on. I know where I sit in our relationship now. I appreciate this conversation. I will address, I will move forward accordingly. This is going to destroy the abs. This is absolutely destroy your relationship. You absolutely are responsible for your partners and insecurities, especially if you were doing things that makes them insecure. Continuing. Yep. Neither of us is trying to hurt the other. We're trying to survive in the only ways we've learned. The hardest part is that when we're good, we're really good. He's affectionate. He reaches for my hand while we're driving.

55:27He tells me I'm beautiful. He makes me laugh. He works incredibly hard. I've seen him reflect after arguments instead of pretending nothing happened. I know he loves me and I know he would probably say that I love deeply too. I support him. I fight for us. Sometimes maybe too hard. That's what makes this so painful. Okay, hang on. What you fight for us? What are you fighting for something means it can be taken away. My mind just went to a house of dragons. They're fighting and having a war because they're trying to take a land away from each other. They're trying to take power away from each other. There is conflict and fighting. My husband and I don't have to fight for each other. It is daily choosing and we are very assured in each other that there's no other option. Divorce is off the table. That is not a word within our vocabulary. Bitch, we're going to figure this out. You can be mad at me. You're going to be mad at me and we're going to watch our TV show together. It's... I like what you just said.

56:28There is no other option. That's so much stronger than divorce is off the table. There is no other option. This is it. This is the end of eternity. Not this life, but all the ones that follow. Like there's that... That is... When you really think about that, that is way more powerful than we don't talk about divorce. I want to let you know that my hamstring hurts really bad and it's making my back hurt. I'm so sorry. Thank you for your sacrifices. It was so worth it. It's so stupid. What a fun injury. Oh, fuck. Continuing? Yeah. That's what makes us so impainful. We're not questioning. We're questioning. So, questioning? No, my mind actually went to equestrians. People were like horses.

57:30What the fuck? That's funny. We're not questioning whether love exists. We're questioning why love doesn't seem to protect us from hurting each other. It's because love doesn't protect you from hurting each other. It's a choice. Love is not this mystical force that all of the sudden everything is right in Mary and life. You are the force. I am all its forces with me. Yeah. You are making choices to hurt each other. That is what's happening. Continuing. This is the biggest realization I've had in this recently. I think my deepest fear is not feeling chosen. I think his deepest fear is feeling like he'll never be enough. So I want to pause. My deepest fear is not feeling chosen. You already said you don't feel chosen. So your fear is real. You're living the reality of what your fear is. His deepest fear is feeling like he'll never be enough. That's not a fear. He has told you I feel like I'm not enough. You guys are living the reality of your deepest fears. You've manifested it. You are living the life that you were scared of.

58:32That's crazy. So when I say I need more partnership, he hears I'm failing, which he is by choosing other people over you continuously if that's what's happening, right? When he says I need space, I hear you're losing me, which you are because you are not honoring the fact that he needs to calm down for a minute. Right? Like this is the self and pose, self destructive cycle that needs to be disrupted. And it's going to make you guys feel uncomfortable. The way that we solve this, this is my husband and I to a T. My husband will give me a 45 second hug and a forehead kiss. And then I will leave him alone for 45 minutes so he can get a nervous system to regulate. This is a given taken having grace and understanding. You guys are kind of being selfish right now in your own ways. Yeah. There's definitely a lack of understanding of nervous systems and what it takes to regulate these things. It's also important to recognize that co-regulation is a thing like your nervous system, your emotions are regulated by the people around you. And if you're in a committed relationship and your person's off, you're off.

59:34You guys are feeding off of each other. Neither one of those is actually what the other person is trying to communicate. So my questions are, okay, so that tells me you guys aren't listening. You are just listening to have your feelings hurt. You need to hear what the person is actually saying and not what you're scared of. How fucked up is that? Selfish. Right, I'm not hearing what you're saying. All I'm hearing is my abandonment. All I'm hearing is the suffocation of you. You all need to take a step back and recognize even when you are in conflict. This isn't Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This is still the person you woke up next to this morning saying, I love you. I'm so grateful you're in my life and all those kinds of things. All right. So my questions are, how do two people with opposite coping styles stop triggering each other's deepest wounds? Those aren't coping styles. They're nervous system attachment styles. It's not the same thing. Yes. It's not the same thing. I, um, hang on. Okay. So to answer the question that was just asked this book, The Power of Attachment by Diane

1:00:35Pull Heller, PhD, gets into the attachment styles really, really well. And there's, this is the only attachment style book that I have read that has caught my attention enough for me to actually understand the attachment styles. And it's a really good read. It gives you examples on how to repair with your attachments attachment style. So if you're somebody who is anxious and you're afraid of abandonment, there are tips and tricks inside of this book that you can utilize to, uh, implement in your life when you start to feel that so that you can work through it. Um, I didn't write this book. I'm still reading this book. I'm only about three quarters away through it. So I'm not going to tell you how to do that shit. She already has. Um, you can get an audible Amazon, whatever it will be on our recommended reading list eventually. That's my answer to that, that first question. Next question. How does he create emotional security without feeling like he has to constantly prove himself? So this isn't just a hem thing. Nobody will ever be able to sue you the way that you sued yourself. And that was a very, very, very hard lesson for me to learn.

1:01:39And it took my second miscarriage for me to recognize that if you are not capable of calming yourself down and recognizing what you need in the moment, you will never feel satiated by your partner. And that's a very unrealistic expectation to put on somebody. Uh, how does he create emotional security without feeling like he has to constantly prove himself? I don't know. I don't know what you need emotionally. He doesn't create the emotional security in the relationship. If he needs to feel emotional secure, you are the one that creates the emotional security in the relationship. If you are anxious attachment and he's avoidant and every time something goes wrong, you become crazy, needy stalky following around up his ass and he needs space and he's now on his like heel swinging for the fences, trying to stay on his feet because of your reaction to what's happening. There's no way for the nervous system to calm down in this. Your attachment looks like knowing you're okay. It's being able to have the hard conversations and it not becoming a fight. It's knowing that if you guys have a decent have, I said, have if you guys have a disagreement,

1:02:45that disagreement is going to be resolved without massive amounts of conflict or ugly, that it's just an honest conversation and that we are not going to be reactive or punish each other. Secure relationships take two people. You can have security in yourself and have somebody come into your life and fuck your entire life up. It happens. It happens all the time. There's a difference between not tolerating somebody else's bullshit and having that level of security. But when you are working from other attachment styles to a secure attachment style, it takes both partners. Continuing. Yep. How do we divide the mental load more fairly without either us feeling criticized or taking granted, taken for granted? I'm going to divide a chore list, distribution of chores, distribution of labor. Yeah. That's easy. These are all the things that I deal with every day. Which one can you take off my plate? This is super easy conversation. You write that shit down and stick it on the refrigerator. Most importantly, how do you know the difference between two people who are compatible and

1:03:48two people who simply haven't learned how to love each other in the way the other person actually needs? For me, that would look like the person being willing to change their actions the same way that I'm willing to change mine in order to find the homeostasis of comfortability and conflict. When I recognize that me being around you and trying to be physical or talk to you when you are trying to regulate your nervous system was too much for you, I backed off. And when you recognize that I wouldn't fucking leave you alone until I got a hug or forehead kiss, you adapted. That first hug of you holding me and me suppressing my sobbing. Me suppressing my sobbing was very hard to do, but I know that women crying makes you uncomfortable. Right. So there was a level of I could feel that you didn't want to do that, right? Like it was fighting every survival instinct in your body to hold me in that minute. But you did it. And now it's second nature. Don't even have to think about it. It is we just had a little tiff. I'm going to get held for a minute. My husband needs 45 minutes and then our day carries on.

1:04:50Yeah. So understanding what your partner needs and being willing to serve them over yourself. Yeah. Someone in the chat said, what about what she needs though? It's been a lot of she is doing everything wrong and should be accountable for everything with him just being a response in the room. He affected things too. I don't I don't I don't understand. I don't think that that's been the case at all in this. We have somebody that's writing in and asking questions. If he was on the other side of this, we would be addressing a whole lot of the shit that he's doing. Right. And so that's why somebody wrote in has given their perception of what's actually happening. And we have no idea if that's actually what's happening. I also feel like we commented a lot on how he could have definitely been fucking this up to. We actually have quite a bit. You talked you gave a whole lot of examples about how he could be, you know, abandoning her for other people and all of that. Being lazy. This is one of those things to the person that said that it's time to get your journal out and start journaling to figure out why you feel the way you feel right now. I really don't understand what that was asking.

1:05:50You guys are when you write in and you are trying to get our opinion on things, we have your verbiage. We have your perception of the situation. And at the end of the day, the only person that you are responsible for and the only person that you can change is you. Anything beyond that is hope. Yes. If somebody wanted change, they would have wrote in with you, right? There's a whole lot of accountability to be had across both sides of this, but we don't know his perception of things. And if he was writing in, we'd be telling him he was wrong. Same way that when you guys write in, if we think that you're doing something wrong, we tell you, if we think that you're doing something right, we tell you, can you scroll up in the chat a little bit? I saw someone asking you a question. Peaches, do you believe this answer you just gave us something that takes practice slash trying different things until it works? I can't always get it right on the first try, knowing it's perfect. Do you mean the example that I just gave of like the real life example of my husband and I? Because I said it was difficult.

1:06:51I said it was difficult, right? Like we were, yeah, it took a lot to adapt to that. And yeah, there's a lot of the question is, is if it takes practice, you are going to get it wrong. Yeah, we got it wrong. First time you were like, the first time after we had conflict, you were like, I was in here crying and you didn't hug me. And I was like, yeah, I'm not going to. Like we're at odds right now. The last thing I want is to be touched. You're like, well, I need that compression to make it feel like you're not abandoning me and that we're together. And this is going to work. And we had to have an entire conversation about that because without that conversation, you would have walked up and tried to hug me and I'd have been like, don't touch me. That would have actually happened. Like had we not had that discussion in me to be able to understand that our universe is vastly different and the way that we need repair, that could have been really bad. When you think about it, it could have been because I probably would have never come to you with anything again after that. Right. Right. That would have been a massive fuck you to your nervous system. It would have strained the relationship. Like there has to be conversations about what you need if you expect your person to serve

1:07:54you. You have to be able to deliver it in a way that is not an attack on them. That situation, specifically when you said that, I did feel like it was an attack on me. Like because we're at odds right now. It's fucked. You mean why didn't I hug you? I got defensive, but it took some talking through, but it changed the perspective on things. I understand now, obviously looking back on it, especially while we're not in conflict, I understand that that had nothing to do with you being mad at me. You were trying to understand why I didn't want the same thing that you did. Same reason that I didn't hug you in the moment was because I thought you wanted the same thing I did. We believe that everyone perceives the world around us the same way we do, especially when we're angry, right? Because we get dumb when you get angry. Right. Our energy goes elsewhere like adrenaline and preparing our body for fight or flight. Yeah. Our level of intelligence that we have as human beings has come from the fact that we no longer have to primarily survive like other animals do. We have created you.

1:08:55Stop that. Shame. Don't touch me. You just looked your asshole. Don't do it. I love you. But don't touch me. Orlini girl. Oh, I know she's so abandoned. I'm not worried about that. She eats her shit. She looks you afterwards. You have no idea. I do know. I can smell it. You don't fuck. What was I saying? She distracted me with that nasty sound. To fuck, babe, help me. What was I saying? We are intelligent. Yes. Thank you. We are intelligent beings because we have been able to facilitate our life where we can expend our energy elsewhere like learning and adapting and gaining new skills. We have mainstreamed our life so much. Like you said, it used to take a day to do laundry. We'd have to beat that shit on a rock and then hang it up to close dry. We have to. At one point, not only did you have to do that, you had to go collect the lion shit first. Yeah.

1:09:55It was an all day process to clean your clothes. Yeah. Our lives used to be very, very hard. So education was not a priority. Now we live a life where I'm surprised that we don't have more people like Sheldon Cooper and fucking Leonard and all those people like there. We should have big brains at this point. The fact that we are regressing in our intelligence because of bones and TikTok and technology and not the fact that we're running for our lives and having to hunt and gather for our food is insane to me. Squandering it. All right. To wrap up the email, I'm not writing in because I want someone to tell me I'm right. I'm writing because I want to become better. I want him to become better more than anything. I want us to become better. Thank you both for taking time to read this. So you both need to read the book. I posted. I showed you. You need to you need to implement check-ins and when you implement your check-ins, you need to have a predetermined thing that you're going to address. And like after the first week, you do another check in the following week.

1:10:56You do a recap of the changes that have been implemented since the last Friday, right? Friday night, we're doing check-ins now. So first Friday, you list out all the things that you need to talk about. You organize it in a way that it is non-combative. These are things that we could do to serve each other better. These are things that I would like to see happen moving forward. This is a distribution of labor that I would like to have rewritten. These are the things that I need when I'm feeling anxious. These are the things that I need when I'm feeling abandoned. And then you guys have your check-in. The next Friday, you go through and you start your check-in with a follow-up of all of the things that you implemented last week and how you're doing on a scale of one to five. Five-star Google review. That's the best one. I want five stars. If I get a three, that's something I need to work on. If I get a one, I obviously forgot. Right? And if a week is not long enough for you to see change, then you do it every two weeks. But you need to start implementing that and it needs to be from a place of non-combative communication. We are not going to fight right now. We are trying to improve our lives and we're looking for the report card.

1:11:58It's my answer to that. Distribution of labor should be on the fridge if you guys struggle with that. I don't have anything else in almost 10 o'clock. Okay. We can wrap up. Okay. You want to get back into the social media thing? Internet conversation? Kind of. Fuck it. So, if this is her job, she's a content creator. If she's a content creator that is earning a living, making content, I don't mean like $1,000 a month. I mean, you're able to pay every one of your bills by content creation. And this is what you do to earn an existence. That's a different conversation than you're an Instagram model. That's got a hundred followers, right? This is a very niche market. There is a level of understanding that they're going to be inappropriate things said. People are going to fall over you. They're going to take things and run with it. There's going to be a lot of ugly that comes along like there's a lot that comes into being a content creator.

1:12:59And honestly, I had no idea what that was until we started making it big. And there was that year one, the amount of fucking stress that we had to deal with and things that we had to process and learn to overcome and how to conduct ourselves and foundry. Man, and some of those conversations were hardest fuck, but we were able to work through it. And this is what we do for a living. The tattoo shop makes money. It pays for itself and lets us buy cars and do cool shit with the tattoo money, but like this is our bread and butter now. God, I'll never forget the bitch who texted you good night in the beginning of this. That was one of those conversations that we had about boundaries. I remember that, but I don't remember who did it. Not you don't need to say it, but I remember who did it. You'll have to remind me more done. I vaguely even remember that happening. I remember the conversation more than the incident and had you not brought it up. If you had waited another six months, I probably would have been a little bit more probably wouldn't have remembered that because it's foggy. But we did. We had a whole lot of conversation about that shit. There's a level of protect your family and your household above the social media shit.

1:14:00If you are a content creator that needs to show your body to move your content, you're not a content creator. You're selling yourself for the internet to make money. That's a very different conversation than somebody that gets on here and does the podcast like acid for squares or, you know, to be better or real shit and no hate to dead. I love the dude. Some of the content that he makes is inappropriate. Oh, very thirsty. It's very thirsty and like he's a single man so he can do that shit. Yeah, but he knows what he's doing. He does. He's doing that shit on purpose. Yeah. And that's the shirtless things. The cut off sleeves. The fucking daddy, dumb voice. Right. Right. All of that is his stick. His content where he's going foraging and doing things of that nature is very different content than that. Yes. And if he's only doing that other content, that's what he's doing. He is selling himself to make money. When you are selling your knowledge to make money, it's a different conversation. From ballgame, different audience.

1:15:00Right. So if this woman is making content where her body is the contributing factor for the attention that she's getting because she didn't say that she's making money. Right. That's true. It's also a whole another conversation. Now there could be a conversation had also about selling your soul because you're selling your body for content. And I'm not even going to get into that. Let's just keep it on the, you're making a living off of social media. If that's what you've always done, switching gears and trying to move into a more PG friendly situation, it's going to take time for the creeps to fall off and new people to find you and all of that shit to happen. That's if they find you. That's if they want to find you. Right. It's a whole lot easier to stick your tits on the internet and get some fucking attention. Why that's why women gamers do good. Yeah. I'm sure that there are women gamers out there that are really good gamers, but anytime I've ever turned on Twitch and there's been a woman on there, she's half fucking naked. She's barely playing video games. She's interacting with her chat. It's that fucking, ooh, whoo shit.

1:16:02Like you are not a game mean streamer. You're half naked on the internet and people are fucking paying you for your attention. Right. So what's going on in their situation? I have no idea. I know that if that was our content, if we were somebody that was doing only fans, right? And that's who we were and people were giving you attention on the internet. I would welcome that because you could then plug your only fans and we would make money off of these fucking creepy dudes that want to see your butthole. Right. If we're doing content like we're doing and people are being inappropriate and you ignore it, I'm just they can be inappropriate. You're ignoring it. But if I go through the comment section and you're interacting and you're giggling and you're winky faces and heart reacts. Yeah. The little sweaty tongue guy that you used to send me all the time on the emojis when I sent you pictures like like if I saw that shit, even now like I lose my fucking mind that's my emoji, you stop that, right? Like do you see what I'm saying? So like you I can't control that these people are doing those kind of things. They're interacting.

1:17:02The engagement is making us money. You engaging back is where the line gets crossed. It would be no different if somebody was like Chris, I like your beard. It looks so good. And I'm like, oh, thanks, girl. You'd be like, excuse me, bitch. There's a whole lot of don't cross that fucking line. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, the attention that comes with being a content creator is never going to be a only positive. Right. It's never going to be that way. In fact, you're going to get negativity on every single post that you make. Even if all of it is mostly positive and you feel good about it, it's going to take that one negative situation to make you feel bad. And if you're the partner of that and somebody's talking shit to your woman, whether they're trying to be overly sexual or they're actually being a negative fuck face, you're going to take that shit real personal. It takes a lot of work to get past that because we are not built to deal with this many interactions every single day. Yeah. Cause play tiktokers have this problem. That's because most cause play tiktokers are thirst trapping.

1:18:02Yep. You can do. I'm not saying that all of them are. There are people that do makeup artists stuff. There are people that do like really creepy things. They can make all costumes. Yeah. You can do a creepy scary clown without being a slut. That's not in lingerie. Yeah. Right. Like you know what you're doing. You know who your audience is. There's a, but again, this also comes down to the money aspect. If you were doing this as a job, it's a different conversation when these things come up. Now we do this as a job. We are still not allowing that type of behavior because we are not doing that type of content. My makeup is only focused on my makeup, not my body. Well, and you can tell that by the way the pictures are posted. If you are posting a picture of your makeup capabilities and your cleavage in the shot, it's not about your makeup. When you guys do your face scan for your phone to recognize your face and you have to do the head thing. All right. Your tits aren't on your tits ain't in there. Your phone ain't recognized in your cleavage. It don't eat all that. So that's all I was going to say about all that. Okay. Okay.

1:19:03I'm probably going to sleep while you're gone. All right. Let's wrap up. Are we going live right away? You're going to take a break. Thanks for tuning in. Guys, remember you were the author of your own life. So grab a pen and we will see you on the next one. Bye guys.