Jack Benny - Jack Steals Phils Girl

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1:02card. Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points. Learn more and find out your offer at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum terms apply. J.E.P.L.F.F.O.O. The Jello program starring Jack Benny with Merry Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with it serves your right. You know when you have enough curiosity, you can make some interesting discoveries. And here's a woman who did just that. She wanted to know how much Jello her family eats and she found out. She is Mrs. Homer E. Poole, 13th Street Riverside, California and here's what she writes. I keep the front panels with the big red letters from the Jello packages. I started saving them to see how much Jello our family of forward eat in a year.

2:03Every time we had Jello for dessert, we saved the front panel and dropped it in a box. At the end of the year, we were all anxious to find out how many packages we had used. There are so many lovely desserts you can make with those six delicious flavors. And when we opened the box, we found we had used 161 packages of Jello. Well, Mrs. Poole, they say that pig is always tell the truth and those think you're certainly tell the truth about Jello. They prove how delicious Jello tastes. With that wonderful, extra rich fruit flavor, it keeps the family coming back for more. No matter how often you serve Jello, it's always a brand new treat. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jello. And now ladies and gentlemen, the political excitement

3:06being over, we bring you that prominent citizen of Beverly Hills who was just elected dog catcher Jack Benning. The log-in, this is the honorable Jack Benning talking. And Don, that was awfully nice of you, but I wish you hadn't mentioned anything about my latest triumph. I'm trying very hard to forget it. Yes, but Jack, I just can't figure out how a fellow like you would accept such a job as dog catcher. Don was all a misunderstanding. I thought I was running for mayor. Oh, well, I might as well make the best of it. Imagine me dog catcher with my bony legs. God, it might be dangerous if that's when you start your new duties. Oh, I've been working all week, but I better get a new pair of glasses for this job. Yesterday I caught Bobby Breen three times. You did? Yeah, the last time he bit me.

4:10But you know, you know what burns me up, Don? Here Andy Devine is mayor of Ann Nies, Al Jocen is mayor of Encino, and I've got pleased. If I went on my arms this morning leading on a shovel, he likes me so well, he's building. Oh, well, that's just my luck. What's Madagascar? What are you writing about now? Oh, nothing, Mary. I'm just sore about the election, that's all. Yeah, I make a darn good mayor of Beverly Hills, but they can't see it. Well, gee, what is Jack? How much do you got enough to do if it is? You're in radio, you're in pictures. Well. And you give violin lessons on Tuesday? What else do you want? Mary, if you're referring to my little group of pupils, I'm certainly not getting rich on them. You're not a. No. If I didn't sell them rods and then strings now and then I'd hardly break even. Break even you've been making plenty of profit

5:11on those violin strings, according to Wenzhel's column last night. Wenzhel, what did he have to say about it? He said that what prominent radio and Pixar has been seen kidnapping cats? Well, they didn't necessarily mean me. He should have a line in his column saying, what feminine radio star wears plenty looking hat? I wish I could see the one Mary's got on tonight. It's a Lulu, folks. It looks like an extra eyelid. Oh, Ted, what do you think of a pill? Phil didn't get her yet, Jack. He didn't. Oh, say that, remind me. I must tell you, kid, something before Phil comes in. Is he burned up at least? What'd you do? Cut a salary again? No. But Don, don't remember that girl he brought to my party two weeks ago? Or you mean that's beautiful, brunette Barbara Whitney? Yes, Barbara. Hey, Jack, didn't I see you in Barbara? It's a wheelchair bowl last Monday night.

6:12That was us. Wheel's your bowl? Why that's where Phil and his boys are playing, isn't it? Sure, that was the idea, Don. I said Barbara there to get Phil's goat. And you should have seen his face when we walked in. Was he burned up? Burned up. Don, you never heard such hot music from that orchestra. You're a little... Tell him what happened when Phil entered into the floor, Jack. Oh, well, that was just a dirty trick. What was it, Barry? Well, Jack and Barbara were sitting at a table, so Phil asked Jack to stand up and take a bow. Yeah, that's not a Mary. And when he did, the guitar player headed with a tomato. You'd have got a bigger laugh if you had a set tomato. You'd have to get RISCY on this roll, Jack. Well, it's just lucky for Phil that I laughed at all and sat down. Personally, Jack, I think it was a pretty cheap thing for Phil to do. Oh, I didn't care about getting Hitler the tomato, Don, but the manager came over, wanted me sign a contract to do it every night.

7:15What's the matter? Was there enough dough in it? Oh, the money was all right, but that sort of comedy is dated. You know. But Barbara and I had a good time anyway. I got enough pleasure just watching Phil's squirms. Hey, Jack, who was that fellow sitting at the same table with you? You know that good-looking guy? Oh, that was a relative of Barbara, some out of town. Her uncle, Louis. Hey, Jack, watch out. Watch out. Here comes Phil now. Oh, boy, as he burned up, I'm almost afraid to face him. Oh, hello? Hi, Jack, old boy, how's my baby? Wow, and he's very nice. Oh, he's just putting it on. I'll watch me. They Phil, have you seen Barbara lately? Barbara, who? You know who I mean. Barbara Whitney. The girl I took to your wheelchair bowl last Monday night. Oh, yeah. She brings a lot of guys in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mary, you see how mad he is?

8:15Hot diggity. I'm not mad about your taking Barbara. Oh, not much. But if you ever come into my club again and start handing out cards, I'll have you thrown out. What card? You know the ones that say Jack Benny, violent lessons and supplies. Oh, yeah. He's fine to change the subject. Old boy, as he's sizzling. Woo-hoo! Now wait a minute, Jack. Let's get one thing straight. I'm not a bitch, jealous about Barbara. Oh, no, no. Well, I'm not. Oh, heaven forbid. Oh, of course not. Look, you took her out Monday night, didn't you? Yeah. Well, I took her out to the Westy and Thirdly. What do you know about that? Well, let me tell you something, smarty. It's customary for a fellow to send flowers to a girl, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I haven't seen Barbara since Monday night. And yesterday, she sent me the most gorgeous box of roses you ever saw. Ha-ha-ha. I know she did. Yeah, what do you laugh on that? I told you you were dead. Oh, so that's why that card had a black border. I thought it was something new. Phil, the next time you tell a girl that I'm dead and I'm not, you'll get yours.

9:21What a heel he turned out to be. Who's burned up now? I'm not burned up. I just can't imagine anyone doing a thing like that. That's all. Sing, Kenny. Kenny isn't even here yet. Well, all right, don't holler with me. What are you gonna play, Phil? I'll go ahead and play it. We haven't got all night. Sing, Kenny. I need play, Phil, for the dirty tricks to do to a pal. I'm not gonna play. I'm not gonna play. I'm not gonna play.

10:28I'm not gonna play. Well, that was your got me from the masculine wing. She'll played by the yellow orchestra and directed by a young man who had best read the wandad. If you get what I mean, my stroke, what's the matter with you, Jack M. She got a sense of humor?

11:35Sense of humor. Phil, I don't see anything funny in telling Barbara that I was dead. Oh, she'd have found out sooner or later. Nothing to laugh at. It was an awful thing to do. Yeah, if you don't think for a minute, Phil really said that, do you? Yes, I do. That guy would say anything. How about the time he told Carol Lombard that I wore a girdle? You were there. Yeah, they were snapping all night. And now he's trying to get me in wrong with my girl, Barbara. Your girl. What are you talking about? She was with me when you met her, wasn't she? Hello, Jack. She was with you, but she can improve herself, can she? I have, Phil. Improvers herself. Ha, ha, ha, that's a laugh. Well, the last time you a big boy married your ever-teaser to all around EGATES. Oh, Mary, don't I have a jack, but you're bad at EGATES. Yes, the same, Mr. Harris. If you want to know something, I'm going to propose to Barbara. When? When a drummer doesn't get better, he can't bend his knees this week. Oh, it's taken up for him, huh? Oh, Don, say, will you talk to me? Yes, Kenny.

12:35Now look, kid. Jello has six delicious plates. Well, Mary, raspberry cherry, orange lemon and lime. So look for the big red letters on the box. Thanks, gone, you're a peach. Oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, Kenny. Say, Jack, what's a big argument all about? Oh, Phil and I were having a little discussion about my girlfriend, this with me. Well, see the girl you had with you at the Welsher Bowl, yet, and I? Yeah. Oh, are you there, Kenny? Hey, why don't you come over to my table and say hello? I was afraid to. Why? Phil told me he had smallpox. Smallpox? Well, that's the worst, yeah. Kenny, you're a friend of mine. Why didn't you come over anyway? Well, I went out to get vaccinated and by the time I got back, you were gone. So, Harris told another liar, but he just saw her because I took his ex-girl-bob, brought up to his place and danced every dance. Wait a minute, you danced every dance with her? All right, so the waiter had one little fox back. What's that? Well, that's unusual, Jack.

13:35Why did you let the waiter dance with your girl? Oh, I don't know. Well, either that or give them a kiss. Now, Mary, that had nothing to do with it. I just happened to know them, that's all. Hey, Jack, who was that good-looking fellow seeing me? You and Barbara at the table. Oh, that was a relative of hers from out of town, Heronkel-Louie. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Heronkel-Louie, that's rich. He was holding Barbara's hand all evening, wasn't he? Well, naturally, he hadn't seen her in a long time. Heronkel is bound to be a little affectionate. Well, somebody oughta tell her, Anne. Hey, wait a minute. Say, maybe there is something to that. Oh, I can't believe that Barbara would. God, she acted like she liked me. Yeah, I wish I could find out. Do you want me to ask her for you? No, Phil, I'll ask her myself. Why don't you use my system? Just walk right up to her and hear her in the back and say, listen, babe, how do we stand? Kenny, Kenny, you're a nice boy and all, Abba. Don't try to tell me anything about women. Oh, yeah? I've been slapped more than you have.

14:38You're happier than I am, too. Well, suppose I'll have to go on guessing. Oh, Jack, I just thought of something. I know how you can find out whether Barbara likes your knot. Oh. Well, come here a minute and I'll whisper to you. All right. Eee, eee, eee. Go away, Kenny. Eee. I'm sorry, it might work as fast as we do it now. Sure, why not? Okay, hey, fellas, carry on with the show where you're married and I have to go someplace. Where you going, Jack? Never mind, I'll tell you later. McDonald's is putting value back on the menu. Whether you're craving a Big Mac, McNuggets, or sausage egg and cheese McGrittle's, make it a meal and save. Your favorite is now your wallet's favorite, too. Extra-value meals are back. Get a big something extra. The Big Mac or 10-piece McNuggets, fries and a medium Coke, all for just $9. Limited time only, promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

15:39Hey, Rochester, get my car ready. We're leaving right away. Did you get paid? No. Come on, Mary. Things, Annie. See you later. Yeah, I hope this works. I'm bullocked. I'm bullocked. I'm bullocked. I'm bullocked. All my little amount, all my little amount, all the age. Any am bull Allah, any am bull Allah, stupid, stupid. Play. Bring me a pair of small, maybe small. It may be big. I already said it wrong with what you call a thing of magic. Peter's father's father's in the father's father, it looks like rain. Let it be the father, let it be the father, so mind-brained. I'll mend your arms around and go on my way. Sing, one lama, two lays, two lama lama, two lays,

16:43any umperer of the sick today. When there's a law and things are done, I sharpenize for all the wives in the neighborhood, and I'm pretty good. I'll darn a song or set a clock, and apocos, a broken heart, I'm in any team, while I'd rather sing. Surla, mala, mala, mala, mala, Suruh, yeh, any umperer of the sick today. I'll pass up your troubles and go on my way. Sing, one lama, mala, mala, Suruh, yeh, two lama, mala, mala, Suruh, yeh, any umperer of the sick today. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Bring your pericol, it may be small, it may be big.

17:46I repair them all with what you call a thing emergency. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I'll mend your umbrella, then go on my way. Sing, one lama, mala, mala, Suruh, yeh, two lama, mala, mala, Suruh, yeh, any umperer of the sick today. I'm bruh-ah, umperer of the sick today. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Had to get easy Rochester, you're going to put up near theleme gets nice, yeah, yes, again, sorry, I've gotten so fidgety...

18:47Gosh, I've never been in this neighborhood before. Anyway, I feel funny about going to a fortune teller. Well, this one is marvelous. You'll tell your favorite. I'll make your hair stand up. She will? She can't do it to me. Never mind, Rochester. Hey, we're not going to a fire. Slow down. OK, boy. Yes. I'll see. That even is so hard. Stop that singing. If I want entertainment, I'll put in a radio. A radio miss car would stand out like a bathroom in a log cabin. Stop arguing. You nearly hit that truck. Either way, you drive. I'm surprised you don't get a ticket. I'll never get a ticket to drive a miss car. Why not? All the cops think it's a moron. Now, don't be so comical. See that? Fortune teller lives in a spooky neighborhood. Are you sure we're going the right way, Mary? We'll be there in a minute. It's 10.02 Dracula Drive. Dracula Drive? A fair list of this corner, Rochester.

19:47Yes, sir. Wee! Rochester, when you make a left turn, you're supposed to stick out your hand. I did that last time in the city. We'll win. You better have that fixed immediately. Oh, Jack, why don't you trade in this piece of junk? I'm going to marry. I'm trying to get an allowance of $400. You couldn't get $400 on this car. It's a car. The cushions were set for government bonds. I couldn't, eh? That's a good one, Miss Limson. Shut up! By the way, Rochester, I thought I told you to wear a sofa uniform while you're driving. Let me go help things in it. I'll do it just the same. Say, Jack, there's a place over there, that old frame building. She has a funny-looking dump in it. I'll drive here, Rochester. Okay. Well, here we are. Yes, right up against the telegraph pole. Well, we ought to help things from Tata through and then they grow up.

20:55Well, we're here anyway. Yeah, there's a sign. Madam Zonday's psychics. We've dealt your past, present, and future. Screen-o every Thursday night. Hmm. That's our luck to come on Sunday. She is a weird-looking place. Hey, Rochester, we'll only be a few minutes. Wait out here for us, will you? I won't say I've been all alone this neighborhood. Oh, all right, then come along with it. What a creepy place. Ring the bell, Mary. There's a button. Okay. She has a peculiar bell. Nobody home, let's go! Yeah, that's a peculiar bell. Nobody home, let's go! You're in a chance to stop trembling.

21:55Here comes somebody now. Hmm, how do you do? My name is Jack Benny. I came here to see Madam Zonday. She's occupied at prison. Won't you come in? Yes. Come on, Mary, you two, Rochester. Madam Zonday is busy with the client. In the meantime, you may be seated. Thank you. It's kind of hard to see in here, isn't it? This place is dark in the telephone booth in Harlem. Why have Rochester and where are you? Yeah! Well, open your eyes so I can see it. Right now, I'd give $2 for a coal miner tax. Just put a candle on the one you're wearing, that'll work. Now pardon me, mister, but I hope we won't have to wait very long.

22:58Did you have an appointment or are you a reckless type? Well, I had no appointment, but I'm fine anxious. I have my fortunes, Royal. You see, I want to find out whether a certain girl loves me. But I've never seen the young lady, but all panned, I'd say no. Well, all panned, I didn't ask him. When can I see Madam Zonday? Have patience. She is now commuting with the spirit world. I just stand and drink myself! Rochester, now where is Madam Zonday? At present, she is flying through space. And when she returns, you will be summoned. I see. What was that? I didn't hear anything. You didn't. Rochester, do you hear anything? Rochester! Rochester! I'm out the car, please!

23:58Now, how did he get through that door without opening it? It's got a keyhole in it. Oh, that's right. Say, Nisser, I wonder how long we'll have to wait. Not very long now, Mr. Benny. Excuse me, please. I'll call you later. Mary, this is an awful place you brought me, so I wish I hadn't come. Yeah, it is coming. Okay. Yeah. Any top-guaranteed table, right? Can't tell one spirit's monotone without a program. Oh, well, that's just a racket. Mary, why you ever brought me to a joint like this? I'll never know. Try to assure this Madam Zonday knows her business. Oh, certainly, Gatsy's wonderful. Well, that's good. Are you going to have your fortune told to? No, I'm just going to collect my commission and get out of here. Oh, I get it. Why, Mary, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Oh, Clyde, you're coming back. We're both again. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're coming back. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're still here.

24:58We're ready for you, Mr. Benny. At last. If you'll follow me, I'll take you to the Mystic Chamber. The inner sanctum of Madam Zonday. She's enter. There's an odd-looking room here. Very do you smell that incense? You might be that perfume I gave you for Christmas. Remember? Yeah, I'll turn the window. There she is. Madam Zonday, I brought you another client. One new secured advice in council. Very well, I shall guide him. You may go now, Junior. At once. How do you do? It's right down here, Mr. Benny. Now tell me what is your problem? Madam Zonday, I'd like to find out whether a certain girl is fond of me. Or whether I'm pursuing a false dream. Can you help me? Yes. They'll gaze with me into this crystal bowl. Concentrate and think only of your question. Yes, Madam Zonday. Wait. Wait.

25:58I'm waiting. Now. Now I'm in a trend. I see little things, cool-eating and crawling about. Little things. Oh, what are you laughing at? She's got ancillary, trans. Madam Zonday. Mary, you're great to spell. Madam Zonday. Madam Zonday, are you still in this man? Yes. I don't know, it comes to me. I see a tall, beautiful girl next to sparkling eyes and a deadlin' smile. Is her name Barbara? Yes. And I see her holding a man in her arms. She's kissing him. Kissing him? Is it me? No, no, no, no. Is it me? No. Is it me? No, no, no, no, no. Is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?

26:58Is it me? Is it me? Is it me? No, no, no, no, no. Is it me? Well, we're having a single visit. Unclu-y. Unclu-y. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. You're a fake, Madam Zonday. You don't owe anything. I hear all you hear even how many flavors Jello has. It has three. You're wrong. Four. Wrong. Seven. It has six flavors. Six. I know you were a crook. You're a foamy, Madam Zonday. I'm not going to pay you for the visit. I'm not surprised. I told up to the crystal too. Oh, you did, eh? Well, come on, Mary. Let's go. No, you don't fly, Guy. Hey, boss. What do you want, Mary? I've got a dead bee here. Give him the word. Oh, Mary. Take my arm. We're not here. Hurry up. Oh, grandho steps. I broke my ankle. I'm going to tell you that ten minutes ago. Well, why didn't you? I was holding up for your next. Oh, come on, Mary. Let's go. If you want to guess the meaning of what they say,

27:58that gentleman was simply grand, here's all you have to do. Serve this grand you deserve Jello Butter Scotch Buddy. It's creamy, smooth and mellow, rich with good old fashioned butter Scotch flavor. It's lovely to look at with a tempting tapet color, and it's swell to eat with real homemade goodness, smooth and luscious. And Jello Butter Scotch pudding is only one of three new Jello puddings. There's Jello Vanilla pudding, delicate creamy and inviting. And a Jello Chocolate pudding, a prime favorite made in you in better way. For all three Jello puddings are amazingly quick and easy to prepare, and they're made with the same fine wholesome ingredients you'd use yourself right in your own kitchen. So try all three. Ask your grocer tomorrow for Jello Butter Scotch, vanilla and chocolate pudding. That's my ankle hurt. Side slower Rochester. Oh, get it boys. This is the last number of the seven program in the new Jello series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Ooh, my ankle.

28:58Rochester, stop at the first drugstore we come to, will ya? Mary, will you run in and get me some lint of men? Sure, Jack, give me the money. Oh, never mind, I probably got some at home. The night call. Ooh, this ankle. Oh, this one's called. This one's called. Take me out of the hole. Anybody can take on the Jello program to sort of say murder or orthodoxy. This is an awful broadcasting company.