Caller: “I Don’t Know My Husband Anymore”

0:00put a through. Brought to you by my friends at Churchill mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to ChurchillMorργ 해ге calm. My husband and I, we both met in the service and they said that he had a fictionality disorder. He is addicted to collecting things,� X is another it if I can't give it to him, can't give it to him. He has to have it and it's just like, I feel like it's ruined our marriage. What's going on? This is John with the Doctor John Delo Nishau. Kelly, listen, it happened today. I'm been waiting for this to happen. It happened. I am real nervous about whatever's coming up next. Today's first day of school from my fifth grader and I got two to Lude. Two to Lue barbecue. That's a funny thing Shoei says to me,

1:03but we got up to the door and she was with her friends. She let you take her to the door. So that's still something. It took a lot. It was a lot to go to the door and we got there and she's like, okay, and I played it cool, man. Dagger to the soul. Hey, like I said, you still got to the door. I got a half hug though, which is so you got like a side hug kind of thing pretty much like a macy's day parade, but because next year it's going to be, can you drop me off a block away? Yeah, kind of black. Can't take the bus and yeah, my friends. I'll take the bus. Will you just move? Yeah, could you never act like you don't know me? Because how about you go to another country? Just send money, right? Well, a two to Lue barbecue. God, I can't believe it, man. Hey, how do we start this show? Hey, well, I'm glad that you're here. I'm just having a moment on the show. That's what we're talking about. Parenting, mental, emotional health, relationships, marriages,

2:03whatever you got going on in your life, pull up a seat. And if anyone wants to call it and try to make me feel better, that it happened. It happened. No matter how hard I try, I'm still just a dad. Yeah, they come back. They do. Yeah, but they, you know what? They aren't going to come back, but I'm just going to tell them the money will be there when you come back, but not in between. Whatever. I know whatever. All right, let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up? Hey, how's the going? Doing all right. How are you? I'm good. I just want to start off by saying that I really appreciate what everybody does. I know like everyone on the cast there because dealing with mental health, you know, is not easy. And you as people, human beings, you deal with your own things every day and you're out here helping other people with their problems. And I really admire that. Well, thank you so much, Sarah. I'm grateful that

3:06you're with us. What's going on? Yeah, so I guess my question is really is that if I am making the right decision by leaving my husband, even though he struggles with addiction and basically just trying to be faithful. So my husband and I, we both met in the service and um, sometime ago when we're talking about like 2014, they said that he had like an addictive personality or addictive personality disorder and some um, um, um, um, um, um, compulsive disorder or something like that. Yep. So that has made like a big, um, effect on our marriage. So there's been like lots of fighting and stuff like that because things are not perfect and the way that he needs it. And um, mind you, I work full time and we have

4:06three children together. And um, it's always, and I've constantly caught him in infidelity. He's like, um, he's addicted to just like always collecting things like cars, he has four trucks that you'll get over that. And now he's like into motorcycles and collect all the motor, but it is like excessive, you know, and it's been a big, big problem and sex is another thing that he just like, if I can't give it to him, he has to have it. And it's just like it's, I feel like it's ruined our marriage. I'm gonna give you some context and then I'm gonna kind of lay out some ground rules I have for myself, okay? When somebody gets a diagnosis of any sort, I'm not gonna say that, not of any sort, but of most sorts, okay? Mm-hmm. Um, what that is is a road map. It's a destination point for where somebody's gonna

5:12have to put in a ton of work and effort. It is not a free pass. I also years ago had multiple clinical diagnosis. It was not an excuse to cheat on my wife. It was not an excuse to put my family into financial ruin with my projects. It wasn't an excuse to be abusive with my language just because my wife didn't do exactly what I wanted her to. What it was was a clear path of what I needed to work on so that I could show up and be the husband that she deserves. Right? So if you are diagnosed with addictive personality disorder, I have to go back and check the DSM. I don't, I've heard of substance abuse disorder, but it's been a long time since I've dug into that stuff. But let's say that is, let's say that's a thing. That doesn't mean that you get a lifetime pass on addiction.

6:15Right? That means you have a lifetime of really working hard on sobriety. If you have compulsion disorders of which I've had, that doesn't mean you just get to buy out whatever you want, do whatever you want, and everyone in the whole world has to follow you. That means I've got to go do some work. Right? And so it's a context, not an excuse. It's a reason your body responds to genetics and environmental stressors, things going on in your life to all sorts of things. But it's not an excuse to just run rough shot over everybody closest to you. Right. And so my ground rules are except in very rare situations. I don't tell people to leave their marriage. You've got to own that. Right? I will tell you, I believe with all my heart, that your worth being in a marriage where

7:24you're not being cheated on and your physical health isn't being put on the line. God knows how many times. Your worth being in a marriage with somebody you can count on. Right? Your worth being in a marriage with somebody who you can anchor into as much as they can anchor into you. Right. But you have to own the decision to leave. Yeah, I left already because I kind of had my my breaking point. I just had a mastectomy for cancer and my mom just passed away from cancer. So it's kind of like everything has been hitting the fan at once. And you know, I had a conversation with him about, you know, because I listened to your show a lot, I said, okay, I need transparency, a roadmap, you know, actions are everything. And you know, your actions mean everything. And it's not just words anymore. We have to do this. And it was just like, I caught him. I looked, here's just like,

8:31fine, you know, that he was going to do it. But when I saw, I felt like I just gave up off of that one day. But even though it's actually been years, I don't know. But but this time, I actually gave like a roadmap, like I had a natural roadmap. I had a plan. And but the very next day, I saw that he had deleted message from a female. And it wasn't nothing bad. It was just like, you know, he was reaching out to her, but he deleted it. And for me, I felt as if like that was already a betrayal so quickly. And I left. I couldn't anymore because I just had so many things in my life that's been going on. So let me say this here, you're not crazy. Okay. I hate that you're going through this. You're in a season of hell. Oh, yeah. And the beauty of doing life with somebody

9:33who's right or die with you is that you don't have to go through hell alone. Yeah. And you've been going through it alone. I'm sorry. It's not supposed to be like that. Yeah, it's totally lonely, you know, he moved me here. And well, I chose to move here with him. And I have no family. And I finally moved my mom here and she died. Yeah. So the heartbreaking question I'll ask you, so what are you going to do next? Well, I have a place. I mean, we're crammed here, but you know, it... Holder your kids. 17. The male, 14 female, and nine-year-old male. And then plus I have my brother. He's my mom adopted him when he was a baby, but he's my brother. He's an adult. He's 21. And he

10:36helped take care of my mom a lot while while I was down because I couldn't do it anymore because I was, you know, I was having treatments and my mastectomy and stuff like that. Where was your husband and all of this? So, well... No, no, hold on, sir. I want to press you on something, okay? Yeah. I want you to stop defending him for a second. Okay. Stop. You've been defending him for years. Stop. When you were diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go have a mastectomy, where was he? And if you tell me any place other than right next to you, hold in your hand. I'll tell you straight as direct as I can, he failed you as your husband. Period. Well, he did take the time off and he was with me. He was home with me. I think for like two weeks.

11:38Okay. That's great. He went, yeah. So, then he went back to work. So, he was there for me. Okay. So, what are you going to do next? Yeah. I think I'm, well, I already have the divorce papers and I'm just moving forward. I just really want to make sure that I, that I didn't give up too quickly because of that text message that I found because he told me it was nothing. But in my heart, I felt like it was a door opening to something if not he would have never deleted it. But my plan is since you're saying I'm not crazy, my plan is just to move forward and you know, sell everything and we'll have the kids 50-50.

12:42Okay. So, I want you to metabolize that. It's going to mean you're, you're going to have to make a budget for your new household based on your income. Yeah. And that means you're going to, like I want you to, I want you just to make a, make a path from in the same way you gave him a road map. Here is what loving me looks like. Here's what I want. And he immediately walked out and did something different. Right. Right. And I want you to give yourself that same road map. Okay. And I want you is going to sound nutty. You can't, you can't, if you're, if you run a restaurant, or if you're working in a restaurant, you can't fill up all of your customers' water glasses unless you're pictures full. All righty. So, I want you to ask yourself what must be true for me to be well so that mm-hmm.

13:42As a newly found single mom, I can take care of these three kids. I got a 21-year-old crammed in here too. What must be true? You're going to have to get some help and support and some friends. You just can't do it by yourself. It's too much. Yeah. Which means you're going to have to do something you probably don't like to do, which is ask for help. Mm-hmm. What does taking care of your physical health look like post-missectomy? What does taking care of your mental health post being with somebody who's just disregarded you for so many years? Mm-hmm. What's taking care of your mental and emotional health? Just processing that your mom passed away. I want you to be in service to you first so that you can be in service to all these other responsibilities that you have. Right. Right.

14:48Martin, I'm trying to work all myself so I can be there for the kids. And if you'll do me a favor, the favor is really for you, but do it for me if nothing else right now. Don't work on yourself like you're an old car engine that needs to be repaired. Right. Honor yourself. Right. What are some ways I can love myself so that I've got a full picture to serve these three kids. And my brother. And my full-time job. But I feel like I don't know what that looks like because if you're saying don't work on myself like like a car, I really don't really wouldn't understand. I guess that's something I got to reach deep inside and figure out. I don't know. It's a tiny shift in language that you'll end up on a different trajectory. If you wake up every day, opening your eyes, thinking you're broken.

15:51It's an exhausting way to live. If you wake up every day and you open your eyes and your first thought is, I'm worth an hour this morning. I get to go exercise. I get to go call a counselor. I get to go make breakfast for my kids. Or even better, you're 17 year old. I get to eat the breakfast my 17 year old makes. Because he makes breakfast on Monday and my daughter makes it on Tuesday and my youngest son makes it on Wednesday. And Wednesday because he's nine. That's not a great breakfast. But it's a breakfast. And I get to watch my kids slowly develop into adults. Because I'm worth that. And by the way, they are too. I'm worth sitting down and writing my mom a long, long letter. Tell her how much I miss her.

16:52I'm worth writing my body a letter. Which is what I recommend for folks who are on the other side of cancer. Telling your body how grateful you are for it. And also telling your body how pissed off for they tried to kill you. And telling your body how you're going to honor it and take care of it moving forward. And you're going to ask it to do the same. Try to take care of you, right? All of this is from a position of strength. From a position of for the first time in your life, Sarah, want you to look in the mirror and say I'm worth feeling well and I'm on skin. I'm worth not wondering if my husband's out sleeping with somebody else. I'm worth getting home and not feeling good. And not having on top of not feeling good, shame pile that my husband's demanding sex and it hurts.

17:53I don't feel good. Somehow I feel like I'm the wrong one here. Right? All right. So it's less about having a dig deep and it's more about not waking up every day saying I'm somehow malfunctioning. But it's saying no, my body's working pretty good for the situation. It's in. But it's saying no, my body's working pretty good for the situation. It's in. And now my spirit is going to start emerging. And I'm going to do things that I've wanted to do. I'm worth doing things I've wanted to do. I've got a lot of responsibilities with three kids now. And with the 21 year old and by the way, at 21 year old, it's going to start to keep pulling their weight. Pretty awesome kid that took care of mom and now pretty awesome young man who's going to go get a job and work real hard. And if he's going to live here, he's going to be a contributing member of this house because we need him. And by the way, him feeling needed, him having a purpose is going to help him too. The greatest gift you can give a 21 year old is responsibility.

18:53Helps their muscles grow. We're not going to wake up every day thinking there's something wrong with us. We're going to wake up every day saying I get to go do whatever happens next. So sorry to go through this Sarah. Thank you for the call sister. Call anytime. Call anytime. But you got to make that call whether you're going to leave or not. Howl was the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. And howl wants to give you this amazing app for free for 90 days. You can change so much of your life in 90 days. You could commit to exercising and begin to transform your health. You could start doing one nice thing for your spouse and begin to transform your marriage. You can do so much in 90 days that will transform your life. And this is why I want you to try howl for free for 90 days. I usually listen to howl on the way to work or sometimes even when I'm exercising helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters in my life. And for me, that's my faith practice.

19:54Before the world comes at me full force. Howl is simple and it's guided and it meets you wherever you are. And if you commit to using it for 90 days, it will help you build a habit of reflection and prayer and peace. I want you to give howl a try. Try howl for free for 90 days at howl.com slash Deloney. That's three months for free at howl.com slash Deloney. This show is sponsored by Better Health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times. But then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2am running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where Better Health comes in. Better Health will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

20:57They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Health Therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a Better Health Therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we have a couple calling in from Seattle, Washington. Let's go out to Andrew first. Hey, Andrew, you there? Yep. Awesome. Most excellent. All right, let's bring in your wife, Maria. Hey, Maria, what's up? Hi, good morning. Good morning. All right, so are you all both from the same house? Yes. Oh, okay. Is this a spicy call?

21:58No. It's a farting out. No, fortunately, yes. I need one. I need a regular call. What's up? I'll start off. I'm the one with the question. So the main question is, how do we maneuver or handle socializing outside of our relationship when we both have two socializing different dynamics? Tell me about it. Those were some big ones. Tell me what's going on. So long story short, I'm starting to come out and be a bit of a social butterfly, trying at least. Yeah. And by life, she tends to be a little bit more particular with how she socializes with people.

22:59You're saying it also gently. Like she's standing behind you. She's going to hit you. So you're starting to, and it sounds like this is new for you. You're starting to want to go out, do some things, and Maria, I'd like to stay at home and read a book. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. Maria, what's going on with you? Let's see. I'm just an introvert. I've never been very social. I don't really have a need to be around other people. My job is physically and emotionally taxing and whatever downtown I have, it's for me. It's for me in the house or the household, I guess. You'll have kids too. We don't. Okay. We don't have kids. We just have dogs. So when you say you and the household, is that mean everybody except for Andrew?

24:00Or let me say this way. Only Andrew. Only Andrew. So you get home from work, you have a taxing job. You want to curl up on the couch and I'm making stuff up. Who knows what you actually want to do. But you want to just kind of drop your shoulders and hang. And Andrew's like, cool now that you're home. Let's go out. I'm going to go out. Pretty much. Okay. So there's no tension here. Just kidding. Y'all's house sounds exactly like my house. Tell me the purpose of this call. Is something happened or has it just been building over time? Andrew, can I throw it back to you? Yeah. Yeah. So we both had the same jobs. We both for the longest time during our entire relationship. We had the same technology. Although it was emotional, physical, all the energy was drained out out of us five days a week.

25:01On the weekends, all we wanted to do was just nothing. But we didn't want to do anything and we were both flying with that kind of dynamic of just laying down watching movies, maybe going to a hike here and there. But now I left that job. I kind of drew back and now I have a retouch job where it's just a little physical, but nothing too crazy. And now I have this mental energy and emotional energy to kind of spend it and just want to do stuff or try to get out there and socialize. Because I've personally felt like I've had that missing for the longest time. And for me, I feel like there's that missing something. Our relationship is great. Finances are good.

26:02Household is fine. Honestly, everything about us and the four or five months that we've been married has been almost perfect. And now this is the one thing that I'm starting to I guess feel lonely and in a way. That's the word. Yeah. That's I'm glad that you got there. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. And when I bring it up to her, I don't want to feel like she doesn't complete me because she does. She's awesome. She's perfect in all the right ways. And having that conversation with her or trying to figure that out. She's fully on board. But yet she has that particular thing when it comes down to meeting people and that social energy that takes a toll on her. Yeah. And so let me challenge you.

27:03Okay. And y'all can get off the phone with me and look at each other and be like, that guy's an idiot. Okay. Y'all are free to do that. Um. But Maria doesn't complete you. That's Hollywood fiction. And she can be an amazing wife and an amazing friend. And you're a writer-dipartner forever. And she can want to go to bed at eight o'clock and you want to go out at eight o'clock. And there's always going to be that tension there. Okay. So the challenge you're you're going to end up burying yourself and then she's going to be like the ultimate she's going to pay the ultimate price for it. Which is you say she's great, wonderful, perfect. You complete me the best thing ever. But I'm lonely inside my own house or worse. I'm lonely inside my own marriage. And what I want to tell you is that's okay. That is a problem that you and her

28:06sit on the same side of the table and that problem is on the other. Start the table and y'all work together to find a solution against this different energy system y'all have. Because you're you're a few months away from the thoughts entering your head. She's choosing this job over me. And she's choosing sleep over me. She's choosing to read a book instead of having sex. She's like right. And so when you start to divvy it up like that, it makes it me versus her. And so stay on the same side of the table. There is no such thing as somebody completing you. And I think that's one of the hardest things, especially for young couples. Because just the messaging we've got for the last 50 years is somebody will fill in everyone of your gaps and it's just not true. And so I don't want to put anything on you. But let me tell you how this plays out in my house. There are some days and I don't have another way to say it.

29:06There's some days I'm sad. Like I'm just sad because my wife is zonked. And all I want to do in the world is go hang out with her. Or you know what? I'm going to reframe that all I want in the world is her to hang out with me. And she does sometimes. And I also have that lingering when she does. I have that lingering voice like this is coming at a cost to her. And I don't ever want to be a burden to her, right? Yeah. So the, I guess what I want to tell you is that tension is never going to go away. And that doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It just means you're different. And the paths forward for both of you is there's a, you're going to be times that both of you choose not the most comfortable route for a greater good. And that's both of you. There's going to be times injury when you want to go out. You're just feeling itchy. Like let's go do a thing. And dude, I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch a movie.

30:09And there will be times Maria when you have a taxing day but not a wild day. And you're like, dude, it's three o'clock. I'm having a cup of coffee because we're going out tonight. And I'm going to feel uncomfortable. But I love this guy. And I think over time I can. And then Andrew, there's going to be times when you're going to have to choose. I wish she would be with me. But she's not. And so I'm going to go hang out and have a good time. And I always say this on the show go make good choices but go have some fun. And Maria is going to go to bed and get her restorative sleep and decompress. And you all are going to have to both decide. We're not going to hold each other. We're not going to resent each other. Does that make sense? And that's just hard. It's just as it is. In a perfect world, in a Hollywood world, somebody would complete us. So I threw a lot at you and Drew and Maria push back on me or ask questions or say,

31:15I don't like that or whatever. What's going on in your heart and mind? Man, me first. Are you? You go ahead. I think we are aligned with us kind of trying to new stage in our life with this new phase of me possibly going out and trying to do go have fun, do the make the right choices. Even I'm trying to pick up a hobby here and there to kind of stay busy have fun and just try to find yeah, exactly. Try to figure that out. But yet, yes, there is that feeling of I feel like I'm leaving her behind or she's not a part of it or we're not spending enough time together. Even when we are together, she's a glassed or we're cuddled up and bed watching the movie

32:17doing the thing that we enjoy to do. But she's unwinding and I'm just there having I'm hanging out where while she's unwinding. And those days when I do have the energy to leave and she's unwinding it feels like I'm still not spending. And there's that feeling of not us being together even though we are together. And are we making sense before? Yeah, it's I almost I'm almost certain of the answer but Maria let me ask you, do you feel like if Andrew was to go out and join a bowling league and start bowling or he was going to go out and I don't know started go to the local chess club or whatever. Would you feel like he's abandoning you? No, no, I would not feel like he's abandoning me.

33:21I guess I guess I would I would want to be part of those hobbies. I just want to figure out how to also spend quality time like all of my hobbies are at home. Yeah, his hobbies are out of the home. And so do you do you do like sometimes social anxiety and like and I'm talking about clinical social anxiety plus exhaustion plus being a home body if you will plus like with all that stuff in the word introvert gets thrown around a lot. All that kind of gets it gets dumped into the same blender. And so I want to pull it apart real quick. Do you do you want to want to go out or do you really don't want it? I don't I do have social anxiety you get it right on the head.

34:22And I'm being treated for it and I'm under treatment and I have depression and I'm being treated for that as well. But I was raised I guess to not socialize and maybe that's what's stuck with me but I just I don't care to socialize. Okay, well, and there's a difference between and I'm using I'm being careful with my words here. There is I don't want to but I want to want to because the path through social anxiety is exposure right I'm going to slowly introduce myself to social situations. Not I'm not going to go to giant parties and we're everyone I'm on display but I'm going to go to a dinner with three friends and then I'm going to I'm going to feel how that feels and I'm going to feel how drained it I am but also I'm going to be honest about do that kind of felt good I had good conversations and so there is a practicing but then there's the I don't have any interest like I just have no desire is I don't even want to want to you know what I'm saying

35:26yes and so it sounds like you grew up in a certain way you're being treated for multiple pathologies the path forward the treatment path either now or eventually with your mental health professional is exposure I'm going to go do a thing even though my body's saying I quote unquote feel like not doing it I know the right thing is to go do it kind of like this morning I woke up and I didn't feel like running but I made a commitment to myself so I'm going to go do it and I'll tell you what on the back end I felt like a million bucks right but man I shouldn't feel like it and so I didn't want to run but I wanted to want to run so I'm going to go run you know what I'm saying yeah the challenge for you Andrew and I'm telling you man if I can save you 15 years of your marriage like for me I took it all personally you know what I'm saying yeah and I still that still sneaks up on it and what I mean by that is

36:29if Maria doesn't want to go out one night or she's just wiped or she's had a really rough day at work and just her anxiety alarms are ringing off the hook that particular day you can choose and this is not a feeling choice because feelings are going to do it feelings do it's an intellectual choice it's a next right action choice you can choose to not take it as Maria is rejecting Andrew you can choose to say Maria's choosing to take care of herself so tomorrow she can be the best version of herself and that really bums me out because I wanted to be with her tonight and then you go choose the next right action for you and that could be you scrolling YouTube clips until 2 a.m. and that's going to be a disaster or you could just say okay cool I'm going to call it a night even though I want to go out I'm going to call it a night and I'm going to get some good sleep so I'll be my best self or you say man I'm going to go to my chess club or my

37:31Dungeons and Dragons club or whatever tonight and I'm going to miss my wife but I'm glad that you didn't care of yourself you get to choose that story as I make sense and I want to tell you I spent 15 years with my shoulders slumped in my head bending like just looking at the floor walking out of my house to go hang out with some of my knuckleheaded buddies heartbroken and it took a long time for me to realize and by the way it still pops up sometimes I'm just being honest that it wasn't about me is what my wife trying to take care of herself you know I'm saying yeah and I think what I'm kind of nervous about is if I was to go take those actions and work through that I guess a fear would be that I'm working on myself but then also we we we find ourselves kind

38:32of doing our own stuff everything and not finding time for each other I don't think those are mutually exclusive like if you listen to my show a lot you know I love going to hang out at the comedy club I just hang out there whether I'm performing or not that's like that's like nails on a chalkboard for my wife and she likes to be by herself writing her next novel or writing poetry or reading about ancient whatever stuff and alone on her garden and I like doing that stuff too but for like 15 minutes right and so what you have to be able to parse apart is I'm going to go do my thing so that or let me put it this way I'm going to be in service to myself both of you so that my cup is so full that I can be completely in service to the other person and so Maria if if you're unplugging from the world is that's that's the that is that's the end

39:44I'm not unplugging so that I can refill my battery and love Andrew to the moon and back but I'm just unplugging done plug and unplugging means I unplugged from him too then that's going to cause problems down the road if I'm going to unplug and I'm going to keep going to treatment so that I feel my best self so that I can give my entire self a way to this man that I promise my life too man now you're talking about a writer I marriage and Andrew if you go a couple nights a week and go hang out with your buddies and go learn new hobbies and stuff so that you can plug fully back into your house plug into Maria man that's awesome but you'll have to be intentional about together time in addition to intentional about your the things that restore each other you know both sound like you're pretty awesome thank you all right I think I think we both think we're both awesome I like the fact that you both are working on yourselves

40:48what I want to add to that is we're both working on ourselves so that we can be the best version of our self for each other we're doing our best thank you so that's helped a lot well I appreciate that I'm I mean I'm just a goofball on on with a microphone y'all are actually doing the work in real life y'all are actually putting the time and the energy in and by the way y'all are four or five months into this marriage don't put so much pressure on it y'all have never done this before y'all are practicing you're just finding your way through it and Maria you may have never had a guy like always there right and Andrew you may have had this dream about when we get married every night it's just not it's not reality it's not how it's gonna play so just stay patient with each other and keep coming back to the table I've I've got I will send it to you directly and for everybody listening once a week I want every couple to get together and just say how are we doing where we got coming up this week can we put time together on the calendar if we're busy can we

41:52put sex on the calendar can we go ahead and run through what this week is going to cost us with groceries or we got this dinner with family or whatever how are we feeling and I've got a PDF that is the guy it's the same it's the same basically the same meeting that me and my wife have every week we've had for years but it's in the show we'll click the link in the show notes if you want to get that PDF and Andrew Maria I'll send it directly to you and Andrew Maria I'll also send you the together app as my gift for your new marriage and it will help you guys calm together one action step at a time keep putting the work in on yourself so that y'all can give your entire selves away to each other thank you so much for the call when we come back a man asks how to stop compulsively lying to others and become a genuinely honest person we'll be right back I've been deeply convicted about something recently we only get one shot at this thing called life and life is full of challenges and hardships and most of us get so busy trying to balance everything

42:56all at the same time and we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy listen we don't have to settle for this we only get one life so why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest this is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis so I can feel better in my own skin and this is why I'm a huge fan of joy and blokes I've had blood work done by all the major platforms and joy and blokes is most excellent I strongly encourage you to check them out they start you with a very comprehensive blood test that will give you real data about what's going on in your body why you're feeling how you're feeling but it doesn't stop there joy and blokes pairs you with a clinician who reviews your results helps you create a personalized plan and this is key they walk alongside you while you take action whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes or a supplement tweak or a much more comprehensive treatment plan everything can be prescribed and managed through joy and blokes joy

43:58and blokes is for men and women who want to take ownership of their health and live the best life possible go to joy and blokes dot com slash Deloney and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products that's J-O-I and B-L-O-K-E-S joy and blokes dot com slash Deloney all right let's go out to Cincinnati Ohio and talk to Aaron hey Aaron what's up man hey dr john how's it going all right brother how are you oh I'm doing great what's up yeah um so my my question um just uh looking for help um creating a roadmap for myself to quit compulsively lie into others uh just uh work on work on a sense of integrity for myself you don't love that question man so where does that where does that question come from tell me about yourself yeah so um I can definitely value um you know being honest to others and and upholding my

45:00values it just seems like I have a hard time putting that into practice um for instance it's like it's not the not the big things in life that I'm lying about but it's just it's just all these small details and kind of exaggerating achievements um things like that what is it about you that you don't like I think I don't know I think I'm just uh just discuss it with the the behavior to be honest no no no deeper than that the behave let's let's reframe it for a second lying works lying is served a role in your life and so if we look at lying as a thing that's been working for you what has it been wallpapering over how has it been helping you not deal with reality yeah so I think um I think if I if I look look a little bit deeper um I guess lying has you know helped

46:10me be revered more in the eyes of others and get a sense of like a pat on the back just people thinking I don't know more more of somebody that it has higher achievement levels than somebody that doesn't right um so I think when it comes down to it it's it's about about the acceptance is I don't think it's about acceptance it's about you when you're in the presence of somebody else or an organization or a group you instantly feel yourself not as peers with them but you feel less than and lying helps you it's it it works it helps you reestablish your standing within your own chest among a group of other people and so my question is what is it about you that you feel less than when you're in the presence of

47:11others I think yeah I just I don't not proud of myself um why I don't feel like you don't make enough money you don't have enough abs you've had acne when you're a kid like what is it what what do you you get them saying I want to get done to the root of the of the question yeah so I think it's kind of all the above um oh I'll just make it stuff up it's yeah it's right there um yeah um it's like you know I for instance I ran a ran a marathon early this year and I finished in three hours fifty five minutes you know people ask me how it's going I'm like oh yeah I finished in three three minutes or three hours and thirty five minutes um I guess just to have people be more impressed and yeah like like you said I think it comes from a place of

48:11me not loving myself or or feeling less than other people for yes it's not even love it's this yes it's a vicious loop I'm gonna go run a marathon which is awesome and laudable and cool right but underneath that then there's the I'm gonna break four minutes and then underneath that is this myth this fantasy that then I'll be okay with me and to 99.99% of the world completing a marathon much less breaking four is pretty dang impressive all right and so there's there's I mean if you like dna if you didn't if you didn't finish or you ran it in 32 hours right and you'd been hyping yourself up talking trash all week I'm

49:12gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm right and it didn't lying still not okay but I get it all right because there's like I'm trying to save myself from embarrassment it's not they don't like myself it was like I put in a poor performance and I don't people didn't know you know that's not what happened here it's somewhere at the bottom of the line you didn't run this marathon for yourself you ran it because you want to make sure other people might like you a little bit more I think think you're right um yeah I guess I've struggled with the with the self-image and and you know putting putting myself on a lower status than than other people basically for for as long as I can remember um and the that's so let me tell you the war you're gonna have to fight man it is being next to others feeling less than like recognizing oh there's

50:18a feeling here distancing yourself from that feeling and continuing to stand right there another word for his ownership right and it I wish there was another way around it there's it's a practice it's it's recognizing oh my body's doing a thing it's trying to protect me I don't need protecting right now I'm good yeah and it's probably been some time with the therapist because lying works man it just does and then it ends up you end up it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because nobody wants to hang out with you yeah and I you don't want you don't want to hang out with you right yeah I've seen that kind of come to fruition throughout my life it seems like it's hard for me to have close friendships but you do you see how the very thing you do to try to facilitate friendships it ends up burning them even more right very few of my friends could run

51:25a marathon they're just not healthy guys right I would much rather have friends that never even considered running a marathon or if you said hey you should have marathon and their first thought was that stupid I'd much rather have that friend and much rather have a friend with acne scars and much rather have a friend who doesn't make pretty much money then a friend who is an honest about right and so if you are worried about your standing in the world and you're worried about feeling less than others and it's not worry like I'm just worrying about AI it's not that this is in your body I feel less than so I'm going to inflate it what you're going to confirm is people are going to back away from you not return your calls not want to hire you and it's going to be I told you so see how this just becomes a sick circle man yeah it's a vicious loop for sure

52:28yeah so I'll give you a path out but it's it's uncomfortable okay yeah I'm I'm fine with that I'm I'm ready to ready to change for sure okay ready it's going to sound so simple and you're going to get annoyed with me that's all right number one never ever lie again period number two when you do in that same sentence slash conversation catch yourself and fix it right there yeah dude I've been a 335 wow it's amazing no no no no no no 335 35 I'm sorry I'm gonna correct it right there right I'm going to never I'm gonna feel it I'm gonna feel uncomfortable I'm gonna feel less than dude I heard you in a marathon yeah dude I crushed it

53:30do I can crush it I didn't finish it I didn't finish oh seriously no didn't finish dude that sucks so get hot dog that's what will happen you know what I'm saying but you have to sit in that pocket just through that through that daily kind of practice I will never lie again yeah making that commitment and it comes from the first thing you have to reestablish is your identity I am a man who never lies and that means when someone's like dude did you like my band nope right I thought you all worked really hard or that was fun yeah but were we good it's not my thing man right you'll get you'll get you'll get you'll get better at telling the truth but I'm a man who never lies period

54:36and that means I'm gonna weather all of the discomfort living into that new identity and then if this is a lifelong war you're gonna have to sit down with a mental health professional with a therapist a counselor or a getting a group and be honest with yourself about the stories other people told you at a younger age that became your stories over time as to why you think you don't deserve to walk and breathe the same air that everybody else does right yeah I think I think when I was younger I just I just saw a lot of praise in the things I was able to accomplish you know from parents and coaches and things like that and like you said lying lying easy and it works yeah just became ingrained in me to speak the praise rather than

55:39uphold my integrity unfortunately so cool instead of carrying that around with you for the rest your life put a period into that sentence how old are you yeah I'm 29 great cool today's day one yes sir right like I'll never lie again this has been my way of being since I was this many years old and by the way if people praised you for the things you did that means they also withdrew connection from you as a young kid when you didn't do things yeah and it's often we look at the what we're seeking got reinforced but it's often what was taken away that's the real pain it's not that I got an extra adaboy when I ran really fast around the track it's that

56:40I got that disgusted look from dad when I didn't right that's the true hurt here and I guess because I my wife and I just welcomed our our first son six weeks ago oh yeah dude congratulations and perfect time just starting yeah I think it's it's like you always say you know or we're starting a new marriage and I want to I want to start off on a better foot that I can be more proud of in the longer time okay so does your wife know about this yeah yeah okay are there things that you need to sit down and to tell her um nothing nothing big um I mean it's it's it's small things that I especially to her like did you do this is oh yeah I did this you know make sure I just get them done before before she gets back from work or something like that it's not nope it's not even that it's not that it's not

57:45that Aaron that's not the problem here the problem here is when she said hey did you do the dishes and you didn't that you feel that sense of dang it I should have right and you say no I didn't I'll get him done and then she and her postpartum exhaustion is gets mad at you and you weather that because that's a right response if you said you're gonna do it yeah right that's the healing but otherwise you're just trying to avoid the uncomfortable situation yet again all right now if you said I'm gonna do this today then yes being a person of integrity is I'm gonna figure out how to get that done and if I don't I'm gonna look around and say I messed this up yeah and if she's on board with this I want you if y'all both treat it like so variety

58:45then give her permission when she feels that wasn't exactly true to call it out yeah and I need the need the accountability not her virtue but her with you all right because we have a house where nobody is dishonest you want to be really silly not silly you want to be really like put it all the way on the sidewalk here once a week y'all like in your weekly how's our week going how are we doing how's this new marriage we're building how's it working um have a time when she can say is there anything that you exaggerated this week and you're like yep I'm not gonna get a 3% raise I'm gonna get a 2.2% raise actually I didn't go to the store all right like have know that's coming and all of that will be

59:46hurdles to keep you from lying in the first place because as of today your independence day day one you are a man who never lies and when you to hold your wife's hand and commit I'm gonna see somebody I'm gonna talk to somebody because at the root of all of this is a man who doesn't like himself not like I need self love not you know I'm like I don't like himself and my kid our kid will never have that feeling and that means I got work to do as a dad so I'm gonna celebrate your brother they won congratulations on your new adventure walking through the world as a man who puts his head up high those as shoulder back and says I'm worth breathing the same errors everybody no matter what money how much money I make I'm worth breathing the same errors everybody I'm a dad I'm a husband and I'm a man who you can count on to be honest with you

1:00:47and if I mess up man you better damn well no I'm gonna I'm gonna call it out I'm gonna say I messed up I'm gonna correct it right there and we're all gonna be awkward then I'm proud of you go get it man I would love it Aaron you it would be an honor to me if you call back in 30 days let me know how you're going we'll do a 30 days celebration for you brother thanks for the call we'll be right back this summer has been a wild one for me I've been to eight different states visiting several states more than once I made a 40 hour round trip drive across the country and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee the two constants and all this madness is number one I love traveling across the country and meeting new people and number two I love sleeping in my own bed the best sleep I get bar none is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed and that great amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress my helix

1:01:51midnight luxe mattress from helix sleep helix is not just a show sponsor for me my family my friends everyone around me is starting to sleep on helix mattresses mainly because I won't shut up about how great they are even when the cameras and the lights are off helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep I want you to get online and take the helix sleep quiz I did it it takes like two minutes and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles and they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers too a helix mattress will change your life for the better their best savings of the season are happening right now go to helix sleep dot com slash deloni for their best of the web offer and get 27% off site wide that's 27% off site wide at helix H E L I X helix sleep dot com slash deloni with helix better sleep starts right now all right Kelly something cool

1:02:56after what is it yes so a while back we had a mind the problem guy that emailed in about letting us two sons play um grand theft auto oh yeah yeah and because it was only time they could get along and so he was like is this really a bad thing all right and I for sure said yes yes we agree I think we all agreed overwhelmingly like kids are quiet when they watch porn can I just let it cheese yes okay so this is from Joe in south bendediana and he writes I'm the one who asked if it was wrong for letting my two boys play GTA because when they did they got along you liked my question so much you entered it twice how so I but he says we answered it on two different shows yes anyway well there's there's Kelly producing producing this show to her the best of her ability uh-huh and you hosting it clearly no I gave the same answer uh you know I mean different shows I'm doing a day I hope I gave the same answer both times I mean I'd say I'd be hilarious

1:03:59you were more understanding of it um see he has to do it at a year apart I don't keep him that long anyway but he said you were more understanding of it the first time oh well maybe he's going to play too much grand theft auto his brain is mush anyway in his first response john said my kids had shown that they could get along so I needed to be intentional about situations that I put them in I took that to heart and I became the leader in their boys count troop I now have them work on their merit badges together we go fishing and other activities and things have improved big time they can still fight they can still fight but the good interactions between them are starting to balance the bat PS I too eminal punk rock guy since I know john likes the descendants I guess I can answer I can tell him that I've answered Milo's question what would it be like when I get old nice and the answer is things are pretty damn great that's awesome I'm assuming you know what that means yes that's one of that's one of the famous descendants lines who by the way are opening up

1:05:04for social distortion here in Nashville if you don't think I'm not going to be on the front row of that show without a shirt on you are mistaken I will not be anywhere in the vicinity well you kept my I was gonna say you kept my shirt on last time but it won't take itself off I'm taking it off this time this the strike it just they just have a thing about him but I'm going in full now that's awesome dude and hey here's the magic here this this what's the name Joe Joe chose to be more tired because I know that guy works hard he's got two young kids he's married he's got a house any chose and it's so much easier just to hand the kids a controller and say they like this they're fine and this guy said I'm gonna be extra exhausted I'm gonna go get more involved we're gonna do things together even though everything is pushing against that and the kids are the beneficiary and by the way so it's awesome all right so we'll answer this question again in a three or four weeks we'll just keep running this one back no apparently it's a once a year thing

1:06:08once a year thing yeah all right so sometime in 27 all right Joe I'm the one another descendants line bye