Caller: “Confront My Husband About His Secret?”

0:00How do I tell my husband that I know he's watching porn? We've been together for a total of eight years. I broke up with him like five years into the relationship and he thought it was because I had found out he was watching porn at that time, so I had no idea he was watching it at that time. Tell me about the conversation gel path. What's going on? What's going on? This is John Liddak to John Lone's show, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Love to have you on the show. Real people with real challenges. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on and if you have an iPhone, go over to the app store and download the together app. It's incredible. It will transform your marriage and you can bring your spouse. I kept it as low as I could possibly keep it in terms of costs because I know everybody

1:03is struggling financially right now and you can bring your spouse for free or you can do it in one player mode. It's the best marriage app on the market and it will transform your marriage one action step at a time. All right, it's got to Mill Waukey with Canson and talk to Lauren. Hey, Lauren, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm pretty good. It's a blessing to be talking to you right now. It's a blessing to be talking to you. I'll jump right into it. How do I tell my husband that I know he's watching porn? Uh oh. Yeah. And just just a quick thing. I don't know. I feel like we've had the conversation before. You know, it's just kind of that gray area. I'm not super okay with it, but I don't think he knows that I know right now that he's been continuing to watch porn and it just makes me super uncomfortable. Okay. Tell me about the conversation, Joel, have had. But we've been okay.

2:03I'll give you a quick rehash. We've been married for two years. We have a one year old. So like we got married, bam, found out we were pregnant, blah, blah, blah. Okay. We wind a little bit. We've been together for a total of eight years. I broke up with him like five years into the relationship and he thought it was because I had found out he was watching porn at that time. And it was actually for the reasons I had no idea he was watching it at the time. I was like, well, not that I know about it. You know, makes me uncomfortable too on top of that. So I knew previously that he had watched it. I didn't realize he was still watching it until, you know, I found out a little bit ago. So when you found out after you broke up with him, were you like, yeah, I'm going to extra break up with you or did it give you context of, oh, he was becoming a guy. I didn't like her to want to be around or whatever. And that made sense. It just gave me the extra, yeah, like I made the right call. I think. So what brought you back together?

3:04He, I did some growing. He did some growing. He moved out to Montana for a couple months and did some things on a ranch. He seemed like he was kind of changing, you know, getting back with you, finding his face, kind of getting back on track, fixing a couple of past relationships. And it seemed like he was improving. I felt better. He had reached out to me, you know, wanting to reconnect. We reconnected and it seemed, you know, it seemed pretty good. And I think things have just kind of slowly been falling a little bit to the way you decided me. And it's not back where it was. Obviously, we got married. You know, and had a kid. And I think things are way, way different now. But there, there's just things. And I think he fell back into the porn when he was in like a lull in his job, like just in a bad position in his job. I don't know. I just, I felt that it was off. Got you. You know, something was off. And I was like, there's got to be something else here. And then that's when I found out he was, you know, using porn and fast forward a little

4:06bit. He's got a better job. You know, he's feeling good. It seems to be feeling fairly decent about life. So I mean, I don't know if he, I would assume he's still watching because it's just kind of an addiction. Yeah. I, before we get into that, tell me in his, his honest and raw away as you feel comfortable. What does, I was going to say, what does pornography mean to you? When you find this out, tell me about what happens like internally in your guts. Like, are you grossed out by it? Are you pissed off? Yeah. It kind of like grosses me out. It makes me feel like less wanted. Okay. Tell me, tell me about that. Tell me about that. I guess I guess I wanted. I mean, during when I was postpartum, you know, we couldn't really be physically, you know, we couldn't have sex type thing.

5:08And then all of a sudden, I'm not postpartum. I'm cleared and his drive has always been higher than mine. And it just, he just doesn't seem as interested as he used to be. And so it's kind of like, well, what, why don't you want to be intimate with me? Like, I want more connection, but there's the other, there's a white elephant in the room type situation. So tell me about the conversation Joel has. Now that you're feeling better, you feel like you've, like, re-arrived in this new world you're in. Tell me what the conversation's about, re-igniting sex, how have they gone? Or are you, you feel like you're pursuing him and he's shutting you down? Or do you all just not talk about it or you're just kind of waiting on him? Talk about it. Go ahead. I missed that. I'm sorry. We just don't talk about it. Okay. So. And he's always kind of initiated. I'm more of like, you got to get me going type thing, but he's always on.

6:10So then. Uh-huh. It just doesn't. I'm not great at initiating. Okay. So what I want to be careful of is you found out in some way, right, whether he didn't clear a search history or you went on a Sherlock Holmes investigation, whatever, but you found that he has fallen back into old habits. And my guess is the quote unquote old habits are not just pornography. There's probably a way he's entering into the world, right? Yeah. Like just a either he's lower than he is or he's more distant than he is. And you found this out. And what I want you to be careful of is. You don't know if he's still using and you're then you start crafting stories that he's probably addicted and this was probably still going on because this other thing has emerged, which is he used to he used to want to have sex all the time.

7:11And now, so I'm just sitting here like I'm ready and he's not pursuing me. And then you've got another story, which is I'm just not good at it. I'm not good at starting things up. And so you get what I'm saying. Like so y'all have this dynamic and you've created a story that it's all because of this. And it may 100% be because of this. But it also may be I hear from millions of couples who have their first kid. There is a strange psychology that happens inside of a mother inside of a father inside of a wife inside of a husband, which is this push pull between the mother role and the wife role. And the now I'm a dad and now she's a mom. And it just changes the psychology of everybody. Right. I've talked to men who are like the way I used to pursue her, which is my girlfriend and the crazy sex we used to have when we were just newlyweds, she was just my wife.

8:13It feels wrong now that she's a mom. Right. And so here's what I'm saying. None of it's wrong, but everything changes. And if y'all can't have that conversation, which is how do we want to handle sex? How do we want to handle intimacy? How do we want to handle pursuit? Now that we've brought up, we've made a human together and our lives are different. I also hear from men all the time, which is, I'm second place in this house now. And they don't have a psychology. And I'm not giving them a, I'm not giving any minute pass. I've felt this, which is, oh, this new creature, this new kid is the most important thing in her life. I'm second. I'm, I don't want to bother her. And so I'm going to just go into neutral for a while. And that's where that drift happens, right? And so, Yeah. Hey, like your original question, how do I tell them that I know? I would just. The thing I want you to keep in mind is don't ever let somebody else's actions take your character and dignity away.

9:19So be a person of integrity to all the truth, be honest. And the secondary thing here is, like let him know, I found this out a few months ago. I found a study year ago. I found this out six weeks ago. And then this magical phrase, the stories I'm making up, because you're not pursuing me anymore. The stories I'm making up are you don't want me anymore. Or the stories I'm making up are you're looking at poor all the time. And that's taken the place of me. And that makes me feel not wanted. It makes me feel less than. And bringing it back to what a sex look like in our home, what it's pursuit look like. What does. Lebedo look like. What does it look like now that we have different responsibilities and different roles in our own house. And sometimes those roles are competing roles. Right. There's an old archetype where the mother, the mother roles, some others, the wife role.

10:19Right. And she's got different roles. And the father role sometimes can smother the man role. Right. And it just becomes this weird. And that's why I'm such a big fan of just swiping the deck clean. It's a, hey, we got a brand new marriage now. What do we want it to look like? What do we want to feel like? What do we want sex to look like? And it may be him saying, I want to pursue you. And I don't know how in this new role. And you're going to have to practice thinking, I'm not good at pursuit. But I kind of want to, I kind of want to rock and roll tonight with him. I'm going to let him know. I'm going to send him a text. Or it might be you saying, I'm down anytime, anywhere, but I want you to initiate. And he's going to have to get over himself and say, okay, I'm uncomfortable initiating in this new season, but I'm going to go for it. You know what I'm saying? Yep. Yep. That makes sense. So I threw a lot at you. Tell me about that.

11:20Tell me about the, is it going to be uncomfortable? I've found with couples when I sit down with them and they actually have these conversations, not always. Most of the time, it becomes this exciting, fun, new rediscovery of each other again. Not always. Sometimes it's uncomfortable and it's filled with, you know, blame and scorekeeping and all that. But often it is, oh yeah, we can have as much sex as we want. And I feel different about myself now. And you feel different about yourself. What does that look like now? So tell me how you think that would go in your home. I think it will go well. I think that part of it will go well. I think the part that might not go well is when I, you know, admit that I know like how I found out that I know. I find out. But I went, I went through our homes. Okay. So tell me about that. I could just, I just had a sense that he was off. You know, he'd stay up late on the couch just.

12:20I'd go to bed and he'd stay up, you know, hours and hours and sometimes, you know, he would doom scroll. But I just had a sense that he was not doom scrolling. So he was fairly intoxicated the one night and left his phone out. Why me? He was phone all the time. And I just went snooping and he had not cleared his brow, your history. And I just found. I found a lot. Okay. Um, this is just me. This is how my house operates and I get a lot of push back. My phone is my wife's phone. And her phone is my phone. And so I get some couples have this. This is mine and it's snooping. I just don't look at it that way. And so I don't personally have any sort of, he did anything wrong, I guess. And the way I would hear it is you're worried about him. You knew something was off and you, I wish you to ask him, right?

13:20Yeah. And you can tell him, I should have asked you, I should have given you an opportunity to be honest with me. And I didn't. And if, if your marriage dynamic is, no, I violated your trust. I went through your stuff. Um, and that's the way else marriage is set up right now. I would challenge on moving forward to just be open with each other, but lead with that. Okay. Right? Like, I understand you're going to be upset that I went through your phone, but you were drunk and you passed out on the couch. And I picked up your phone and you didn't clear your browser history. And now I'm worried about us. And if he wants to gaslight you and make the whole interaction, not about your marriage and not about the things that he was doing that violated. Something that he knew would hurt you and all and about reconnection and reimagining your marriage together and reimagining your sex. I've got it. If he wants to just focus solely on. You went through my phone, then you know, and I know and he'll know your marriage has bigger issues there.

14:27Right. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. I just don't see it as a violation. I don't see discovering acts of whatever I can talk about all day, but. But again, you and him might you'll might have that arrangement in your marriage and so be it, but. I would just lead with it and go, but don't cash in your integrity. Right. I think you did something wrong. Be honest about it. If you found something that hurt you, be honest about it. And my only other recommendations would be don't do this at 10 o'clock a night. Tell them, hey, we need to have a big conversation, a harder conversation. And I hope it leads somewhere really productive, but I want to set aside some time Saturday morning. I want to set aside some time. Right after the or baby goes to bed, like whenever, but I don't have a big conversation. And if you need to write stuff down so that you don't get flooded and you can be clear, then write it down and be clear.

15:30Yeah, let's have that conversation sooner rather than later. And my hope is he drops his shoulders and says, you're right. And I'm sorry. And I miss you and y'all can begin to figure out, hey, what do we want to say to look like moving forward? And both of you are going to have to have seasons of discomfort, not physical discomfort, not values discomfort, but. Part of re-engaging, especially after having a first kid re-engaging a sex life re-engaging intimacy is. He used to, yeah, but things are different now. And she used to, yeah, but things are different now. And I don't really like letting him know that I'm in the mood. It's kind of his job. We got to get over that. And I don't want to bother her. And she's telling you, no, no, bother me, please. Then he's got to get over that. And so there is going to be some uncomfortable, like, I don't really, this hasn't been my role in the past. And we got a new marriage. So we got new roles and responsibilities in this new marriage. And we're going to talk about them and discuss them. And then we're going to head off and build the best marriage ever.

16:32It's awesome. So thanks for the call, sister. Let me know how that conversation goes. And if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him too. Thank you so, so much. We come back. A woman asks how much she should tell her daughter about her photos being stolen online. We'll be right back. We have a long term residential program for struggling young men ages 14 to 28. It's a structured environment with trained licensed clinicians and healing at capstone isn't something that just happens in a room. It's woven into every part of every day. And it's not what you would call a traditional sit-around-and-talk program.

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20:46to sell out, they'd sell out every single time. And we would love to have you here. Go to rambsysolutions.com or click the link in the show notes. All right. Let's go to Boston and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. So I will just ask my question first and then we can get into background. It's okay. Sure. Go for it. Okay. So my question is my 12 year old daughter's photos were stolen online. And I'm wondering how much you should know about the situation. And then I guess more in general, how do I balance protecting her childhood and innocence while also alerting her to the dangers of the world? Oh, so tell me about these photos that were taken. Okay. So she is a competitive gymnast and at some of the competitions that we go to, there's a professional photographer. Those photos are then sent in a private link to the gym and then the gym owner sends them out to us parents. So it was a private link and it ended up being another one of the parents from our gym that took them.

21:49And tell me about what's happened there. So what he was investigated and he has been arrested and he is out on conditions currently and it's been over a year at this point that he's been charged but not. Nothing has resolved itself at this point, which is frustrating in itself. That's not frustrating. That's disgusting and maddening. And it pisses me off as the dad of the daughter as just a citizen walking the streets of my neighborhood. That pisses me off to no end. Yeah, I mean, it still is incredibly violating to know that like it was supposed to be a safe album walked away for, you know, private youth and it ended up being used in. Just disgustingly. So did he upload them to a website or something or some perv website? What happened? He had put them into a chat for the intent of distributing CSAM

22:51and a undercover officer was in that chat. God, I don't mind if they burn that dude a lot. So I don't want to get distracted with him because I'll get over emotional and then I won't be very much help to you. Right. What about were these? So I've been to Jim competitions. I've got a 10-year-old daughter, like I say, like are these photos compromising? Are they just those tiny little outfits that they have to wear when they're doing things? And they're just regular photos of young kids doing gymnastics, but they could be used by disgusting people for disgusting purposes. Or is there some actual compromising photos here? No, it was just her on, you know, the events that she does. I think one was from Beam and one might have been from Floor. And because they were at the same gym, they weren't on the same team, but they had taken a picture together, like his daughter and my daughter. And so that was one of the photos that was used as well. So I mean, he was in our

23:55gym for practices like any other parent would be. So I don't know how many other pictures he had, slash we're used, but the ones that I do now are just currently at heart. Okay. So if we back out of this awful situation here, right? And we look at your daughter's situation globally. A globally is probably the wrong word to use there, but holistically, is it going to be strange for her to think that there are photos of her and her outfits out there and about like other family photos. Do you all text these back and forth to do grandparents have these photos, things like that? So not those ones in particular. So for a couple of years, they just haven't been posting on socials anyway. And so when this was taken not even from social media, they had never been shared before. However, she knows something happened because before I knew who took them, I felt vulnerable. So I stayed at every practice. So that was a change. I don't find,

24:59you know, school waivers anymore to have her pictures on the school website. And I don't find any sort of waiver where she would be on anyone's social media. So she has deducted that something has happened. She just doesn't know what. And what I've told her so far, and I don't know if this is right or not, but I've coined the phrase that there are wolves among us. Meaning, you know, we don't know what they all look like normal people, but there are bad people out there. Yeah. That has to, if you're going to lead with that, that has to be contextualized with. And I've got one job and my job is to try to keep you as safe as I can. Right. So because of my job, I don't sign any release for my kids either. Right. And so I've been like that forever. And to my knowledge, there's been no no fairies use of any of photos of my kids. But I'm super protective. As my 16 year old gets older and gets out there, that's just going to happen. And I'm okay with that. But especially with my 10 year old, yeah, we don't sign anything anyway. And so I think there's a bigger picture, which is,

26:03I mean, a bigger conversation to be had, which is I know tons of parents put their photos of their kids all over everything. My job is to keep you safe. And I want to keep you off the internet as much as possible. And so that's a bigger and you could tell her, I, eesh. Now, I mean, it's important that she knows there's, there's, there's, it's to use your words, wolves out there. But I want it contextualized, which with and you're on your own, you know, you know what I'm saying? I want her to know you, hopefully her dad are involved in, and our jobs keep you safe. And so I'm going to come to practices and whatnot. And that's a tough one. If she was 14, I would say to sit down and have the conversation. And if she was 10, I would say it's too early. Right. So in that's how I felt too. I feel like we're right in the middle where she is understanding a lot more than I probably know. But she's also so young and I want to keep her. Because here's the truth. You don't know that anything to fear. I don't want it to feel gross

27:10or disgusting or less than just by doing the thing that she loves, which is gymnastics. Right. And so it's not a matter of somebody took locker room photos or I thought when you started asking the question, I thought she might have already been taking an appropriate picture of herself and sending them out and those got out. And so I think what I want to balance here is I don't want her to feel when she walks out on the mat to think there's creepers out there. There are. Right. And those are tiny revealing costumes if you want to be disgusting about it. But that's the nature of that of that gig. Right. Same as when my daughter does cheerleading at the whatever the elementary school basketball games. I'm confident there's a creep in there somewhere. Right. But I don't want to rob her childhood. But also you're not going to take any photos and put them out there. So I think with we back all the way out, there's nothing out in the world that is anything other than what people would see if they were attending. Right. There's nothing.

28:15Yeah. And so I feel I in real time here and I might if I change my mind on this and I'll talk to an expert in this area. But I think right now, I wouldn't. Okay. But I would have a bigger conversation about, hey, you've been asking me why am I not signing these things and whatever. My number one job is to keep you safe. And I want to keep there are bad people out there, bad actors out there. And on the internet, we don't get to see them face to face. And if you haven't had the conversation about keeping like if you ever feel uncomfortable, I want you to call me. I'm going to be in every one of these doctors meetings. If you ever have to go get treatment, I'm going to be in every single room always forever. And this is a this is a particular sphere where there's been tons and tons and tons of abuse, right. And that's not

29:17I wouldn't shy away from having that conversation with her and talking about the difference between secrets. You only have secrets with me and your dad. That's it. And the only people who are allowed to see you are your doctor and me. And I'll be there whenever the doctor's there. Right. So like have some really direct conversations about protecting herself. And because she's I mean, I've had those conversations. My wife, especially, has had those conversations for years with my daughter. She's younger than yours. And so just letting her know, right. Right. I have had a little bit of those conversations, but I think a more direct, especially in the world of gymnastics. As far as that comes, I should have that. Yeah. Like some body parts are not for touching. And less time in the room. You know what I mean? And did you did you have any of those conversations? Did anybody have those with you and you were a kid? No. Okay. So it can feel awkward. The goal and I'll tell you for me and my wife in our house, as we raised our kids,

30:20I don't ever want them to feel like their body parts are something there's nothing wrong with them or that they're gross. I also want to let them know that like there is a specialness to them. Does that make sense? Not to the but not their body parts to them as people. Right. Right. To them as humans. Yeah. And so just engaging in those conversations, using real words, having those, I mean, I've already surely all had the period discussion. Now it's coming, right? Yes. I have many times. I mean, we are very open and there's an open dialogue as far as like the body changing and all that. Awesome. It should be fine. And so a natural part of that conversation is there's going to be more and more eyeballs looking your way. Right. Boys, you're going to catch your attention. And unfortunately, there's some bad men out there. Right. And there's also some really, really amazing men out there too. Right. Yes. I think I, yes. I need to balance that conversation because I think so far have only

31:21focused on like the negative side. Yeah. But, man, vigilance is important. And I hate that we live in this world, but it like that, but it is important. I don't think I would because there's nothing nefarious and if I'm being honest, there's nothing gross out in the world. People were taking innocent things and making them gross. But yeah, I would probably hold off. And maybe in a few years when she's got some more context and she's a little bit older and wiser and y'all've had time to reinforce. No, we're walking right alongside you. You can loop back and say, yeah, there was some photos that were uploaded to a thing and the guy went, got arrested and all that like that. That would that can come later. Okay. But I would hold off for now on that particular thing. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Jeez. Can I just say I hate this happen to you? I hate it. It's terrible. Is there any, any sign of justice come in your way?

32:24I mean, I have like a victim's advocate that I'm in pretty constant communication with, but they, I mean, the justice system is very slow. She does feel positive that we're heading in the right direction, but who knows when I don't want to head in the right direction. I want to get there real real fast. Yeah. And I have expressed my frustration not about her, but just about the situation in general. It's yeah. Ah, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Thank you for being a good mom who's engaged. Thank you. Where's dad in this? With dad and a co-parent. Okay. So he needs to be a part of this conversation too. And the important part here is he's going to have to get over in a real quick way. His discomfort, his, I don't talk about it. That's for that's for the women to have that conversation. He needs to constantly, she needs to be rooted in a man's presence that loves her and is protecting her.

33:31If she doesn't have that, if he's not a safe guy, if he's not a good man or y'all are co-parenting and he's just kind of absentee or whatever, you're going to have to oversell the other side of it, which is there are good men out there. Yeah. I mean, he's a pretty active father. And I am remarried and we have a wonderful relationship and fortunately my daughter's able to see that firsthand. Awesome. There are. In her set, that's pretty awesome guy. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. So yeah, it's just a big, old, messy situation, but I wanted to have lived experiences of, and she's got opportunity to have two really amazing men in her life that honor her and love her and aren't scared of her emerging sexuality, but also honor her in a way that she knows I'm safe and I'm protected. So she has a lived experience of good men and that helps balance the conversation for especially for 12-year-old. Hey, there's some, there's some bad actors out there. And our job

34:34is to do our best. And when the time comes, you're probably going to have some guilt. Like, I can't believe those pictures, but you're going to have to let that go. There's just scumbags out there. And if you got a private link and somehow this other dude got your private link, I would consider legal action against the photographer and whoever sent that stuff. I mean, I would burn things down in an effort to protect my kids, but yeah, as of for my kids, we don't do any kind of photos or anything like that. The only photos that are out there are the ones that we take. And my wife and I are pretty militant about that. Pretty militant about that. Hate this happen to you, but you're doing a good job. She's lucky to have you. We come back. A woman asks how to prioritize her marriage while her husband is battling cancer. Guys, we'll be right back. Nobody wants to talk about dying. I get it. It's not a good topic to talk about. And it's why

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36:35coverage that fits your budget and your family without pressure, gimmicks or confusion. You don't need another sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Xander's got you. Click the link in the description or go to zander.com to get a quote today. That's zanderwithazee.com. All right, it's got to San Jose, California, and talk to Grace. Hey Grace, what's up? Hi, hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you doing? I'm fine. Okay. Excellent. A little nervous. I'm glad you're here. What's up? So I'll just jump right into it. My husband's recently diagnosed with cancer. Oh, man. I want to do everything I can to support him, but during this time it just feels like our marriage has been put on the back burner. Yeah. And I want to know what can I do to prioritize our marriage going forward, even with two kids and busy schedule of appointments and

37:37my own husband's own physical limitation. Yeah. So when you say you feel like your marriage has been put on the back burner, tell me about that. Well, it's like he's tired, obviously, and then I'm taking on more responsibility. So I'm also tired at the end of the day. Yeah. But even when we, I've noticed even when we have good days now, we kind of just end up sitting next to each other, maybe scrolling or just doing our own things. Yeah. And before we were, we were comfortable in our silence, I think, before. But now I feel like there's something different. When it's silent, there's it's more uncomfortable. There's like there's something there. Yeah. I can't really talk about it. Tell me about this cancer diagnosis. Sure. It's Hodgkin's lymphoma. Okay. Yeah. So it's

38:38it's highly treatable. Yeah. That's the life I gave us and I'm holding on to it. Yeah. But it's been rough on him. The treatments. Yeah. Yeah. So what you said, I'll, I'm going to put aside the sitting by each other, but you can feel there's a big gap between the two of you. Okay. Your marriage is going to look different for a season. Yeah. The silliness, probably sex, frequency, intimacy, connection, feeling like you have a partner in this deal. Yeah. You're going to shoulder a lot. This is the sickness and in health. This is going to be hard. And I'm going to assume he's a good man. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. So he's going to also feel on in addition to the chemo, in addition to the treatments, he's also going to have that

39:38sense of shame. I should be doing more. I should be helping. She shouldn't like all those shoulds that bury any of us, right? Yeah. And so, um, and then you are going to get frustrated that you have to do all of this and you're tired too. And then you're going to get, you're going to feel shame that you feel frustrated because he's got cancer for crying out loud, right? Yeah. Yeah. You've got it. And so we're going to have to exhale through. We're allowed to have any feeling we want. I'll go as far to say there's no bad feelings. You're allowed to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel I'm all alone in this right now because you are. And then we're going to go do the do the next right thing. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so when you feel frustrated, give yourself permission to feel frustrated. This isn't how you drew it up. It's not how he drew it up. And you're allowed to get home and be like, I would want to

40:40otherwise rip the wallpaper off our bedroom with a torrid night tonight with my husband. And he's curled up on the couch under a blanket because he's freezing, but he's also hot. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And so addressing this gap, this is really common. And so, if a thing that can bring you all back together, intimacy is going to look different for a season. Okay. And if we think of intimacy being the secret world that we get to create together, and nobody else is allowed in there. Cancer's not allowed in there. Doctors aren't allowed in there. Our kids aren't allowed in there. This is ours. Sometimes that is physical, it's sexual. It's the erotic eros. And sometimes it's emotional and vulnerable and just connection. And so setting up a time once a week, twice a week, that you'll put on the calendar Monday nights and Thursday nights is when we check in with each other. No kids, no nothing. We tell the kids, and this is a situation put them in front of a TV. I

41:44don't care. Give them chicken nuggets. I don't care. Like we're surviving this season literally and figuratively. And so we're going to go in a room and you tell your kids, I don't care how old they are, grown up time, y'all get out. Our kids have known that phrase since they were zero. They've grown up time. Y'all aren't allowed in here. We're just talking. And they all rolled their eyes. Come on, please. Nope. Growing up time. And then they make their way out and they go do a puzzle or art or whatever, or nerd stuff, whatever they're doing. But y'all check in and ask each other, how are you? Here's how I'm doing. Here's a, if you'll give each other permission, what are two or three stories you've made up about how you're not doing a good job? Give, and it's going to, he might have never done this before. Most men haven't. But giving him permission to say I'm scared to death. Yeah. Yeah. Like when you get the big C word, when you get cancer, whether it's a very

42:48treatable cancer or it's stage four and you got three months, everybody who gets that, and everyone who loves somebody who gets that diagnosis instantly goes to the edge of the cliff and peers off the edge. Yeah, I think I did already a couple times. Yeah. Like, oh, I might have to do this by myself. And he's felt that like as a husband, I got one job to take care of my protect my wife and kids and I'm going to, I'm going to die really. And so there's that hiding that from each other. Man, that's that golf you're talking about. I'm sitting right next to him and we are on different planets. It's finding a path back to where we can share those moments together. And that's deep intimacy. You know what I'm saying? And one of you has to go first. And since you called, I'm anointing you as the person who goes first. And you could tell him, if you're not comfortable telling me, I mean, even if you say like, I can imagine this is terrifying

43:50for you. This is scary. I imagine you've had thoughts about what if you're not here for me in the kid. Tell me about that. I don't want to talk about that. I'm not talking about that. Okay. Well, you're going to listen to me while I talk about how I feel. And I want you to hold my hands while we do it. And I'll tell you, I've become convinced. I've been guilty of this a million times. I hear this from almost every couple I talk to. This idea, I just need to decompress. I just need some time. And we, and that is true. Everybody needs decompression. Everybody needs quote unquote time. But scrolling on your phones is not benign decompression time. It's avoidant. It's numbing. It's just tequila or it's a joint. It's a way to be right here, but not be here at all. And so if you tell, if you tell them, I feel like we're sitting by each

44:53other. And I feel like I'm on my phone too much. And I want to be present with you. I would love for you to put your phone down and let's play. Let's go get some stupid games off Amazon. Let's all send you some questions for humans. Y'all can just ask each other questions. But these are just, these are just y'all connecting. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, you're in it for a season. Every case of Hodgkin's is different. What's the time on they gave you? So he's stage two. Okay. And so just those two Hodgkins and stage two tells me this is very treatable. Yes. Yeah. Okay. It's, they told me, are they told us six to nine months, I think, treatment? Okay. It just feels like so long right now. Yeah. So make a you and your kids and your husband, y'all make one of those do it together as a family. Make one of those construction paper

45:56chains and hang it in the kitchen. And every week or every month, y'all, all as a family tear chain off and have a little celebration moment. This, it will, there, there is an end to this. Oh, let's be optimistic. There's going to be an end to this, right? And if there's, if you find out, it gets worse. It progresses, whatever. Call me back because there's a whole other track we take when that happens. But this is just going to be a miserable year. And you sister are going to have to do something that you probably don't like doing. You ready? You're going to have to get some help. Okay. You're going to have to get a couple of friends who will come over and bring dinner twice a week. You're going to have to call a couple of friends who will come pick your kids up twice a week. And I know you don't, I could tell by this call, you don't like asking for help. Yeah, I don't. Okay, that season's over. Or, can I, I'll be mean, I'm going to be mean to you. You not asking for help is 100% your ego. Okay. We got to put ego aside on this one. We have

47:04a husband who's fighting for his life. We got two little kids that this is their childhood. And you can't carry all of this. No one in human history, no woman in human history until about 70 years ago, 60 years ago would have even considered trying to handle all this by themselves. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Friends, family, even that annoying aunt that, oh my gosh, she's still talking about COVID. She may need to come over and help. Okay. Okay. Sisters, brother, whoever. But I'm going to start, you guys start calling people and saying I need some support and some help. Cool. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Game on. Game on. Because I don't want you stumbling across the finish line in nine months and have a husband whose eyes have lit back up. He, he, he shouldn't ever get a cancer free diagnosis, but he should get a no detectable cancer diagnosis, which would

48:04be awesome. And I don't want you just a pile of ash in nine months, right? Yeah. I don't want that either. There you go. That's going to be you asking for help and support. Unapologetically. And if people three months in or like, hey, I can't bring a meal this week, that's fine. I'm not going to hold that against anybody. It's all, but I still got it. Oh crap. I got to call somebody else then. Do you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. I hear it. He's lucky to have you, Grace. Thank you. And I think this is a pretty amazing opportunity for your family to be more connected. I think this is a chance for your marriage to get really, really rich. Cool. Cool. It's been a high honor to get to talk to you. Thank you for calling. And any, any step along the way, you want to call me? If you want to call me, I'm, I'm all in.

49:07I'm all in. Thank you so so much, sister. We'll be right back. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust, Thorn. I was first introduced to Thorn by professional athletes over a decade ago. And Thorn continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family. You probably don't know this, but supplements are an unregulated industry, largely unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage, in nonsense, and false promises. Most companies cut corners. They even lie on their labels about what's inside the actual capsule or pill or gummy that you're taking. Thorn doesn't do that. Thorn makes every product at their world class facility in South Carolina. 35% of thorns and employees work in quality control. And Thorn rejects up to 15% of raw materials because good enough is not how Thorn rolls. Thorn rolls with perfection. It's why pro athletes, Olympic teams and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorn. And that's why I trust them too. Stop guessing what's

50:12going into your body. Stop filling your body with nonsense that it doesn't need or want. Thorn.com slash the letter U slash Deloney and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's THORN.com slash the letter U slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, I'm I the problem. All right, we have an email here from Elizabeth in Milwaukee. You're smiling so I can already tell. No, I like this one. I'm just interested to see it's not like some of the crazier wins. I'm interested to see where you land on this one. All right, am I the problem? My husband claims we don't need to replace our lawn mower. And all summer has insisted that we could just use the weed whacker, which I love because I hear that it hurt. That is OG dude. I hear that in her list. Contan accent. And I love it. To cut the grass in our yard. We have a smaller backyard, but it's still big enough for like trampoline and swing set. Multiple times I've said I'll hire someone to come and do our lawn every

51:12week, but he acts offended. It's the same scenario when I insist that the oil needs to be changed in our car more often than it is. When I offer to take it to a shop, he insists that it's his job and he will do it. And if I do, if I just take it to a shop, I know he'll be offended. We're out of debt and we could put these type of expenses easily in our budget. But I think he's convinced that he's less a provider and protector if we outsource these things. He does eventually get them done. But not when I think they should be done and our yard doesn't always look the greatest in my the problem. So this is clearly a bigger than the yard. This is about the hey, we could take the car to get the oil changed. We can hire somebody to do the yard because clearly he's probably busy. Yeah. But he feels it's a slight on his job as a provider. His masculinity, whatever. So I see two issues here. Issue number one is, go after him first and after her second.

52:15Go after him. That's so dramatic. I'm not going after anybody. He's got to get over himself. And often, I'll tell you, I was the same way. The thought of hiring somebody to mow my lawn, I could not think of something more hoidy, toyty. I don't know why it's that particular thing. It was when my wife told me, I value you and your time with me and with the kids more than that. And so when I mow in like the big farm place, like she knows, those four hours make him a better guy. Like I like getting out there and it's for me and whatever. And I do it on a really regular basis. But the front lawn and all the, what the neighbors are going to see in all that. We're her telling me, I value you more than that. Then that time, that's worth this money so that I get a full view. That was been awesome. So he's got to get over his ego, just get over it.

53:16And let's move on with our life. And the second point, and I'll say this when it comes to oil changes, I was the same way. I wouldn't even, I was working here and I still changed my own oil like in the driveway. But then I would get behind or be on the road or whatever. And finally, my wife said, I'm going to do it on this day. If it's done before then great. But on this day, I'm going to go do it. And I missed it once. And for me, I was like, oh, that was kind of awesome. You mean, it just takes, well, they call it 10 minutes, but you stay in the line for an hour and a half. But like, that was pretty awesome. And so I just let that, I had to let that go. But that was the way she did it with me. It's going to happen on this day. So if you would do it before then, I'll knock it out. Otherwise, I'm going to go get this done. And I'm going to assume that you're working your butt off on something else. It's awesome. So there's that. This other thing I heard is she has a way, she locks things done. And he doesn't do them the way I like them done. You all need to have that conversation. And you might need a big ol' drink of get over it. Like, or you learn how to use

54:21the weed whacker if it ain't weed whacked to your specifications or whatever, you know what I mean? Because I guarantee you this is not just the yard. It's the kitchen. It's the house. It's the laundry room. It's all these other things. So if you have this super standard, then sit down and let's declare the super standard, right? And if you don't, and it's just never really good enough, and I kind of want it like, don't do that. Yeah, then you become the problem because then you're always moving the finish line on everybody. So anyway, what do you think? I think you're right. And I mean, this conversation almost exactly played out in our house a number of years ago. Yeah, mine too. Yeah, with the yard of my husband saying, I enjoy being able to get out and mo the yard. And we don't have a big yard by any means. But it wasn't, it was, he didn't have the time. Yeah. And then it was like, oh crap, it's Sunday. And I haven't done this yet. And I need to do it. And so when we finally started hiring someone to do the yard, he was like, oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. But it came down to me saying, there's only, there's certain things

55:25that only you can do in this family and in this house. Oh, yeah. I know you're talking about Kelly. Oh, yeah. Be with our children, be with us. But I mean, you know, or even work things that he needed to do that only he could do. But we had the same discussion when it came to when we hired somebody to clean the house every couple of weeks because I was spending so much of the weekend doing that. And then as we got a bigger house and him and me saying, no, I don't want to hire anybody because they're not going to do it like I want it. And he was like, but there's only, there's things that only you can do like your time. I watched it interview years ago with the woman that ran, so what are the social media sites? I think it was a long time ago. It was a Brazilian woman that used to run Twitter, I think. And she talked about that that there are things that only you can do, other things can be hired out because that's what that person does. So they do. Yeah. And if you're in a financial position to take advantage of that, great. And I also say this, it's not just the mowing time or the house cleaning time. It is, it's Sunday afternoon. I haven't done what I said I

56:31would do. And I get pretty grumpy and I get in a bad mood. I'm sure you were delightful Sunday afternoon. Oh, rage clean rampaging through your house. Right. And then mad because somebody tracked in a, yes, you know, it's funny now because I know someone's coming in a couple weeks. I don't care. Okay. So it's not just the, so for people who are like, I got to protect and provide. Sometimes the greatest provision you could have is provide your wife with you in a good mood. Provide some margin for your household. Provide like, so it's not just like snap into a slim gym. Provision is just a bigger picture now in the modern world we live in. So yeah, be the best version of yourself. And if you're in a financial position, hire some of those things, especially do this math. What do you charge your business per hour for your time? And do you pay yourself that much at your own house? Right? Like what I was making at work was far more per hour than when I was

57:32paying a yard guy. So I was paying myself less to do just hire somebody man. Get over yourself. And be honest about not up to my standards. Those words bury marriages. You're your eyeball me Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.