0:00Episode 4182, listening is love. Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit. Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that. Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, personal trainer, and nutritionist, Christian Wardo. Happy everyday, it's friday, it's confessions of an upset mama, and you know what, we've got a lot to talk about. It's a full week, it's been a blessed week, but you know what? Listening is love. For those of your brand new to Create Your Now, welcome to The So Goodable Family. I'm so delighted of your presence. If you already haven't had the opportunity, you'll want to head on over to CreateYourNow.com, where you can learn more and sign up for the Kisses newsletter. They keep it simple strategy, everyday solutions, to live, love, and impact. With this episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community.

1:00Well, before we dive too deep, we need to pause here, because 25 years ago, we were attacked here on United States soil. And wherever you were, I know you remember. And when you remember, you never can forget. And so in this moment, I just want to pause. There are no words. It's been 25 years. But even my grandson mentioned something to me, and he was like, Grandma, you know, what was it? What happened? We talked about it in school today. And they're preparing, and their teacher's going over, which I think is a great conversation. And he's five years old, and he's asking, why did everybody die? There are some things you just don't always have an answer to. Hence why we're going to be talking about listening as love today.

2:02But right now, I just want you to fill within your heart. So we're going to pause for a moment of silence, in honor that we will never forget. Thank you. So as we move into our day, I really want you to think about how you're living full out as a parent. We talk about living full out as a human being, as a woman, even as a man, right? What we're doing, our purpose, our divine design from God himself. But sometimes we forget, wait, how are we supposed to live full out as a parent? How do we show up as this incredible mom that's willing to do absolutely everything, but not give too much of ourselves, and so raise up incredible children? We know, I was thinking about this. I was driving on my way home yesterday, and you know, it's not that unheard of to want to explain everything to your children. They ask a question, you're like, yes, then you start with an explanation.

3:05And we carry decades of life behind us. Don't we? Experiences, situations, things that you're like, yeah, I really don't want to share. Sometimes those things are hiding in our closets, right? We don't want to bring them out, but we have all of this called our life. And we think that if we just can say the right thing at the right time, we can spare them the pain, or maybe help propel them even faster than what it took us. But regardless of their age and stage of life, what they need is your presence, not your lecture, not your five point plan, your presence, listening is love. And I know sometimes when they have those questions, I don't care if they're two and three years old or all the way up to 32 years old or older, maybe you have an older child. And you're like, I'm blessed because I'm still breathing. And I have children that I can still communicate with. That's fabulous, right? Celebrate that. Life is precious. But sometimes we have those questions, right?

4:05We ask that of our parents. I mean, I'm blessed. My mom's still alive. And so I ask her questions. And I'm sure I've asked her some. She's like, I wish she wouldn't have said that. I wish she wouldn't have put me on the spot. Now I wish my dad was still with us, so I could ask him some questions. I miss him terribly. But there is something about our parents, right? And being a parent, you have a responsibility, but you also don't have to have all the answers. So do you hear that? There's a difference. You have a responsibility when it comes to your children, but you don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to be the problem solver every single time. What your children need from you is ears to hear. Proverbs 18, verse 13 tells us to answer before listening that is folly and shame. And yet how often do we jump in before they've even finished their sentence? I'm guilty, it's charged. It's like, I know what they're saying. I'm already there. And they've said two words.

5:06And in your mind, you've already written the paragraph. You've just finished the sentence. You've written the paragraph. And you're like, yep, yep, I got it. And you're ready to jump in. Maybe you've been that mom who interrupts. The mama who hears the first three words and things. Yep, yep, I know the rest, right? The mama who turns a conversation into a coaching session, nobody signed up for. And every time you do, you watch your child pull back just a little. They don't want to share as much. They don't want to ask as much. Not because they don't love you, but because they don't feel heard. They don't feel seen. And your child doesn't need you to fix it. Right? That's what we want to do is fix it for our children. So they don't have to suffer. They don't have to go through the hardships. They don't have to do fill in the blank. They need you though to sit with them in it. When they come to you with something heavy, something confusing, maybe something that doesn't even seem like a big deal to you, but in their world, it really is right now.

6:06The most loving response is not an answer. It's attention, your presence. James chapter 1 verse 19 says, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Quick to listen. That means listening comes first. It's not about fixing everything, it's not about having all the answers. It's quick to listen. Stop what you're doing. Stop the presses. Put your phone down. When my grandchildren come and talk to me, my phone's down. I'm very blessed that when I was raising my babies, I didn't have a phone. I mean, we eventually had a cell phone. Our first cell phone was like humongous. You know, it's like this big, huge brick. And I remember when we went to purchase it, and a lot of times basically we were renting it, but we only had so many minutes and you only used it for emergencies. And my husband at the time was traveling for school. And so I was at home, and when he traveled, I wanted to make sure that no matter where

7:06he was, he could get assistance from whether it was me, somebody else, like he could reach out to the world. Because it was different. You only had landlines. We even had payphones. Do you know what a pay phone is? You have a quarter. Do you know what a quarter is? Kate's bigger than a penny. Let's go back a few years here. A few decades actually, because you know the penny. Yep, it's been taken out. Things change a little bit, doesn't it? But it doesn't change really our parenting style. Our kids still need us to listen. They need us to pay attention. They don't need us to have all the answers. We got to be quick to listen. And that means listening comes first before the advice, before the correction, before the, well, when I was your age, we just listen. Because I know we want to share the stories. And there's a time for that. Please hear me. Get it here. Please listen. There is a time to share those stories. But right now, your ultimate goal is to hear your child.

8:11That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy. Here, H-E-A-R, your child. I mean, think about how you interact with your children right now, typically. What does it look like? When you have them come home, I was sitting around the table with my children over the holidays. And I was asking them, what are you doing? And sometimes you ask a question, you're like, you have no idea where they're going to go with it. And then they start laying it on, layer after layer, and you're like, wow, that came from one simple question, and we're here. Yeah, you know why? They're paying attention. They know that you're listening. And if they know that you're listening, they're going to share. But if you begin to shut the doors just a little bit, if you put down the window just a little bit, then they're going to be like, oh, she's shutting me out. Mom, it doesn't want to listen to me. So why tell her everything? It's a waste of my breath. Maybe you have this feeling with your spouse, okay?

9:12Think about that when you're not feeling hurt, when your child feels the same way. And so it's important for us to hear our children. So how do we get better at this? How do we shift from fixing mode to listening mode? Where we're going to hear H-E-A-R, that's our acronym. What does it look like in real life? H-H-H-Hold space without filling it. When your child comes to you, resist the urge to immediate respond. Like don't open up your mouth and go, wooo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Envom it everything all over them. I know I used to do that. And I could see the deer in the headlights look on their face. Whether they were two or three years old or whether they were 37 years old, right? My children aren't much older than that. So I can't stretch it into 40. They would sit there and just like, got, you know, glass over. It's like, hello, hello, are you paying attention to me? Let's go look here, look here, look here. No, they're gone. They've checked out white because you're not listening to them first.

10:13So let there be silence. Let them gather their thoughts. Your quiet presence tells them, you're safe here. And what you have to say matters. The whole space open even when it feels uncomfortable. You may feel like, I gotta say something, right? Hearing crickets is not a good thing. You don't want to hear the lights flickering, the humma of the fan going round and round and round because it's still hot as I'll get out down here in the south. And we're still almost 100 degrees. It is ridiculous and we're almost mid-September, but that's for another episode. But regardless of what the weather looks like, where you are, how busy you are, hold space without filling it. Because if you don't, your child will run and they won't share and you want your child to share. So hold that space.

11:14Number two, E, right, we're got H and E, engage with eye contact and full attention. Put your phones down. Everybody has one. Right, Apple just released, oh look at this brand new phone. I don't know if Samsung, you know, or any of those have, but I know the event just happened this week with Apple. Maybe you're looking at getting a new phone or a new watch or whatever. Put it down. They might be fun to play with, but when your child's there, that is your focus. That is where you need to be paying all of your attention. There is nothing important that comes on that phone when your child is in front of you. And I mean that sincerely. Nothing. And the only, okay, I should say the only maybe exception is if you got a 911 call from another child or your spouse. Otherwise, no, your child's there, you need to be all in. So close the laptop. Turn your body toward them. These small physical shifts communicate something words never could, right?

12:20But they are a priority. But see, if you're looking at everything, no, they don't see that they're a priority. You're not just fidgeting with everything else. The reals that you have planned in the background, why do you have them going? Drives me crazy, even when my husband does it to me. I just stand there and I look at him like, what are you doing? We're not having a conversation if you're listening to reels. Because I know he cannot multitask. Most people cannot. There's a very, very, very, very small percentage that can, for real. And even though I know I can, I've tested myself, like for real, I know there are times that I want to be full on 1,000 percent present. And that means I too am doing exactly what I'm telling you to do because I've lived all those moments. And it's put the phone down, close the laptop, turn the TV off. There's been some great games on, right?

13:23I've been watching the US Open Arms. So sorry, Pagula and golf. They're not in the finals. Congratulations to Sabalinka and for Rebalken up for making number one here on Monday. Congratulations. It's going to be a great final for them. But it's sad that the US women aren't going to be represented. But that's okay. We're going to have amends in the final. We just don't know who yet. And I say all that to say, I love my sports, college balls on. But if my grandchild, if my daughters or my sons call me, text me, and they're like, Mom, guess what? I don't care what's on the TV. I don't care if I'm at a game. If I'm driving and they need my attention, I pull over why? Because they are reaching out and there's a reason why they are. To engage full attention, right? That communicates something to them. It's called what body language. And in that moment, they know, hey, I'm mom is priority right now.

14:28Engagement, my friend, is not passive. It is an intentional act of love. And then we got number three, A, right? Part of here, HEA, acknowledge. Acknowledge their feelings before offering perspective. Before you say a single word of advice, name what you see. That sounds really frustrating. I can tell the smatters to you, baby. That must have been hard. I'm so sorry. Acknowledgement doesn't mean agreement, though. Keep that in mind. It means you see them. And being seen is one of the deepest needs of the human heart. They want to be seen and they want to be heard. So acknowledge. And you can't do that unless you're paying attention, right? And then finally, number four, are respond. Respond with questions, not solutions. So instead of jumping to, here's what you should do. Try what do you think you want to do?

15:30Or maybe, how did that make you feel? Just invite them deeper into their own process, right? They become critical thinkers. And we need more of that for our children. And in that, right, they build that critical thinking. They build the confidence and they build trust. Not just with you, but with themselves. And they keep the door open for more conversations to come. And that's what you want. Don't shut your children out. Hear your child. Mama, I know it's hard. I get it. Every part of you wants to jump in and shield them from the hurt. My children have experienced some things that honestly, they should never have to experience a variety of things. I mean, all over the place. But some of the most powerful moments in our children's lives are going to be the ones where you said nothing at all. And they felt everything.

16:34And I think that's something that we need to remember today as we honor those who were taken so tragically, September 11, 2001. Sometimes we need the silence to be present. Sometimes we need our eyes to connect. So our hearts can feel. Mama, your children are not looking for a perfect parent. They're looking for a present one. One who shows up. One who sits down. And one who says everything in her, I'm here. I'm here, baby. I'm listening. And I love you. So on this beautiful day, this somber day, let us listen in love.

17:38Let us understand that we can extend this not only to our children and to our family, but to strangers, to people in the street. Wouldn't it be incredible if we would actually stop complaining about everything and start listening to each other and being courteous? Maybe if we start with our own family, we can extend it to the world. And so on this day, as we honor those on 9-11, we will never forget. Remember listening is love. Go in peace. Be present. Be incredible. Be you. I love you so very much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side, blessing tags. And not to not to love. We'll talk to you real soon. Have a glorious blessed weekend. Bye-bye. Feeling inspired and ready to train for life and love your journey, visit createyournow.com

18:39for more incredible resources to help you along the way. We'll see you next time on Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie. And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and fitness plan.