Write Your Story: You Don’t Have to Hold It Together

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3:02Complete disclosures available at public.com slash disclosures. Hi, and welcome to your right-year story, podcast. Good job, girly. Pick up the pieces of your life, put them back together with the words you write, all the beauty and peace and the magic that you'll start to find. When you write your story, you've got the words inside, don't you think it's time to let them out, and write them down, and cover what it's all about. And write your, write your story, write your story. Hi, and welcome back to the right-year story podcast. I'm Ali Fallon. I'm your host. And on today's episode, I'm not really sure how this is going to go. I don't know exactly how I want to talk about this or what I want to talk about, but it feels like the only possible thing that I could talk about today on this episode, because I've been going through a variety of really confusing health challenges recently. And when I was trying to think about what I wanted to record today,

4:03I'm like, or better or worse, like this could just be my toxic trait, but it just doesn't feel good to me or right to me to sit here and be like, okay, I'm going through this really horribly stressful time. It's all I can think about. My brain is hyperfixated on this thing, and yet I'm going to sit down and be like, what could I teach today about how to write a book? Because I could think of any number of topics that I could record this episode about, but the fact of the matter is, it just doesn't feel authentic or in alignment, and maybe that's my own issue that I need to work out in therapy that's like, doesn't always have to be an alignment with your life alley. You can just, you know, record a podcast episode that's about a topic that's not perfectly in alignment with your life. But for better or worse, the fact of the matter is, I really feel like part of my mission here, part of my essence, part of what I do best, is to tell the truth, to just talk about what's going on, to say things as they are. And as scared as I am to talk about these health challenges, because the more I talk about it, the more real it feels.

5:03I also feel like there's probably an element of healing in it for me. And that's one of a couple of reasons why I would really like to challenge myself, to talk about it, because I can just feel that it's probably going to be healing for me to put language to this. And that's all part of what this stuff that we do, like, is all about that. It's so silly sometimes that we make it about other stuff. We make it about, like, you know, growing this huge platform, or being some kind of public figure, or whatever it is. Sometimes we make it about helping other people, which is nice, but it's also about, I believe, this is my belief, and it always has been from the beginning of my public life, that it really is about healing. And that as we heal through telling our own story, we also invite others into community with us, who heal simultaneously with us, because healing is not an isolated event. It's not something that happens to just one person. It happens to all of us collectively at the same time.

6:04And I said, in last week's episode, that liberation is, my liberation is tied up in your liberation. That's not my idea. I've heard that elsewhere, and I actually don't know where it originates. But it's not an original idea from Ali Fallon. I'm just reiterating that my liberation is tied up in yours. And so until all of us are free, none of us are really free. And for that reason, I want to take this opportunity to talk about what's going on with me. If you're new here, welcome. Welcome to the podcast of an Inneagram 4, Kidding Not Kidding. Because, yeah, one thing that you'll know about me or learn about me really quickly is that I have no issues, kind of cutting straight to the heart of a thing. I tend to skip past niceties. I'm not really a small kind of a girly. And so sometimes in public settings, at a party, at a dinner party, for example, I might be like, let me read this poem. It really meant a lot to me. I'd love to share it with the group and everyone's like, whoa, whoa, like what you just took us

7:05to a place that we were not trying to go at this party. And so, I know this about myself. And if you are listening right now and you're a new listener, and you're just like, I don't really know that I want to go on a long wild ride with you right now, then totally understandable. More power to you, hit pause, or go to another episode, or you know, find another podcast that brings more like, well, I was going to say it brings more lighter positivity, but hopefully I do bring some light and positivity also into the space. But one of the qualities about me for better or worse, that is just part of who I am, is that I am going to tell the truth and the whole truth, and I'm going to just tell it like it is, exactly like it is. And the fact of the matter is, I'm in a really heavy time in my personal life right now. I was telling my husband earlier today that these health challenges are the last in a long list of challenges I faced in the last six years, and I know I'm not the only one. I know that even my challenges, it's pointless to compare them. But if we were to sit them down

8:05and compare them to what other people are facing in the world, they pale in comparison to what many other people are facing. So this is not me saying that my problems are somehow more important or trying to center myself. It's just more saying like, it's been a long line of really difficult things that have happened, and this most recent one feels like the straw that has broken the camel's back, from the standpoint that like, I've been coping pretty well until about now. And this is one of the things that I want to talk about on the episode today, is maybe this is part of the point. And if this resonates with you, it resonates with you, and if it doesn't, then you can leave it. But maybe this is part of the point is that you've been coping really well with all of the challenges that have come your way, and maybe it's time to stop coping so well. And I don't mean that in a dark way. I don't mean like, you know, throw away your coping mechanisms and just like, go hide under the blankets, although maybe do that for an afternoon, you know? Like this weekend, in the midst of everything going on, I was just like, I'm so sick of being so healthy and feeling so sick. Like, I'm so tired of it.

9:05I go to yoga. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do any drugs. I pretty much eat gluten-free and dairy-free. I eat very healthy. I think, you know, critically about everything I put into my body. I'm taking all the supplements. I'm exercising all the time. And here I am with these health challenges. I'm sick of it. I want to order a pizza and a coke. And I want to sit in my bed and I want to watch trash TV all weekend. So that's what I did. And it was great. And I highly recommend that if that's something that appeals to you. Or maybe you have your own version of that. Maybe it's something different, where you're like, I'm at the end of my rope. I can't hold it together anymore. Maybe it's time for us to stop holding it together. So this episode is my earnest attempt to stop holding it together, to stop pretending like everything's fine when I don't feel like everything is fine. And I hope that in sharing my story that you find some points of connection that maybe make you feel a little bit less alone. Maybe you've been going through your own set of challenges, health challenges, or otherwise. And maybe hearing me share my story

10:06gives you some courage to share your story with one other person or with 10 other people or at your Bible study or at your book club or on social media. Here's another thing is I have mentioned this and by the time you hear this episode, hopefully, you will see that I've started to share this story and little drips on Instagram. It's a challenge that I've given to myself in conjunction with my friend Ruthie Lindsay. I feel like this is all just the timing is all synchronous. A couple of weeks ago, I went to dinner with my friend Ruthie Lindsay and she and I were talking about Instagram and I was just saying how weird and bizarre it is that on some days, if you ask me about Instagram, I'm like Instagram's the time-waster. It sucks the life out of me. Nobody should be on Instagram. It's, you know, a powerful drug that should not exist. There's nothing good that can come out of Instagram to lead it forever and your life will be better. And then other days, you could ask me about Instagram and I'm like Instagram is a powerful way to bring people together in community.

11:06It's just to share our stories and to show up and be honest about what we're really going through and to be connected to information and to resources and to get inspired and to have ideas and to be reminded that we're not alone in the world and, you know, as a mom of little kids, like that can feel so isolating sometimes because it's harder to get out and go places and now I can connect with other moms who are going through similar things to me and I've been going through this journey trying to get pregnant and I can connect to other people who are also trying to get pregnant you know, I have these moments of connection with them even though we've never met in real life and we don't know each other. And like what an amazing tool that we have at our fingertips and I was thinking this earlier today, even about my phone, like on the one hand, like my phone is just like, ugh, my phone, it gets in the way of every good thing and my life get out of my face, my phone, I hate my phone, I'm always on my phone, it's so addictive, I can't, you know, get myself to just walk away from it and on the other hand, like my phone is this portal to all the people who love me

12:06and to my nieces and nephews on the other side of the country and to people who are checking in with me and asking me how I'm doing and again to more resources and to access and power like these things are what we make them to be and so going back to the Instagram thing, I, Ruthie and I were talking about this a bunch of dinner and she and I both were like, man, I've either been thinking like I need to quit Instagram or I need to like really challenge myself to start showing up in truth on Instagram and I do show up in truth on Instagram but there's also a lot that I hold back for good reason. You know, I've had like wisdom, like wise reasons to hold back some information on Instagram and I don't know that it's necessarily wise to just like share everything from your life on there. Although maybe I'm wrong about that too, I have no idea. My point being I feel myself holding back on Instagram in certain ways and I think a lot of it has to do with a fear of being really seen. And I know that I share really honestly here on the podcast and I have, I haven't talked about this health journey a lot

13:07but I've talked about it some, I've talked about a lot of what my family and I have been through in the last six years so I know that I'm showing up in some places but man, there's something about Instagram that just feels really, really, really exposing to me and I had this experience the other day where I shared a quick little clip from being in the ER with my husband and just said something like, you know, when you're in the ER four times in six months, it's gonna really matter who you married and I'm just so grateful for a husband who's so steady and has a good sense of humor and is strong and stands by my side and what an amazing gift it is to hold this man's hand kind of a thing. And I just got this flood of like love and support and prayers and all the things and I was completely overwhelmed and I realized in that moment that really my biggest fear about being on Instagram and about really showing up and showing my true self there is not about the haters although there is some of that, there is definitely like a, I've watched people get, you know,

14:07it's like a king of the hill kind of a situation where like when someone shows up in their fullness, it can be very triggering for people and so I've watched my friends and acquaintances and people who I also don't know in real life, I've watched people show up in their fullness get utterly attacked. And so there is a fear of that happening but I think what I realized is I also have this fear of showing up in my fullness and being fully received like what? Like that could happen, like people could stand by me and love me and send me love and now I'm the center of attention and I feel nervous that I'm centering myself and I'm taking up too much space and I'm a drain on the community and I'm not, you know, like I want to be a gift, I want to be giving, but in order to be someone who gives we also have to be someone who receives and so when you're in a time of need, do you allow yourself to receive from others? It can be really, really uncomfortable to receive from others and it's one of the reasons why we avoid showing up in our fullness but this for me feels like a season where I get to practice being in a posture of receiving

15:11where I get to text friends and say, hey, I really need your prayers. I don't know what's going on. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Can you help? Can you pray? Can you come over? Can you drop off food? Can you come take my kids? Can you just sit with me? Can you hold space while I cry? And that's a really uncomfortable place to be for me and maybe it's uncomfortable for you too. So that's the first kind of takeaway from all of this but basically the story. I'll tell a story in fullness here. I think I'm going to tell it in a few different kind of like episodes on Instagram just because of the platform. There's limitations around the length that I know when people are on Instagram. I'm not looking to sit down and listen to a 40-minute episode like you are when you're listening to a podcast. So I'll tell the story in full here so you can hear it in full and then I'll tell bits and pieces of it on Instagram as well. If you don't already follow me on Instagram, it's Ali Fallon on Instagram. I'd love to see you and hear from you there. Podcasts are interesting because like you can leave a review but otherwise it's not really like a two-way conversation

16:12whereas Instagram is a two-way conversation and I love having a two-way conversation. It's much more exciting to meet to have a two-way conversation than it is to just sit here talking into a microphone. So if you don't already follow me on Instagram, find me over there at Ali Fallon, A-L-L-O-I-F-A-L-L-O-N, and I'll put that in the show notes. Okay, enough stalling. I will tell the story of what's been happening to me. Texting privacy policy in terms of conditions posted at TextingTerms.us. Texting rules you for a current amount of data text marketing as your semester data is made apply or play stopped out visit ISSA online for details. Tired of the nine to five grind? Looking for something different that's flexible, fulfilling, and pays well? How do you like to get paid to work out? Now you can, with ISSA, the global leader in personal fitness certification. There's a huge demand for certified personal trainers right now and once you get ISSA certified, they guarantee you'll get a job. Trainers can make as much as $100 an hour. Yes, I said $100 an hour. And with ISSA, you can be certified in as little as six weeks.

17:12You do everything at your own pace and 100% online. Pursue your passion in specializations like yoga, nutrition, or strength training. Get certified and live your life on your terms. Work at a gym, start your own business, or a side hustle. Whatever works for you, just don't wait. Get your free personal training evaluation kit today. Get certified in as little as six weeks. And ISSA guarantees you'll get a job. Text Lift to 323232. Text Lift to 323232. Lift to 323232. We're lost. It feels like we're going round in circles. I'm going to ask that man for directions. Hi there. We're trying to get to the state fairgrounds. Well, you're going to take a lift at the old oak tree at this here road. No, I'm just kidding. Let me get my phone out. How is there signal out here? T-Mobile and U.S. Cellular are coming together. So the network out here is huge. We get the same great signal as the city. Saving a boatload with benefits. And there's a five-year price guarantee too. Okay, here's the turn. Actually, can you pull up the way to a T-Mobile store?

18:14America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T-Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five-year price guarantee. And now T-Mobile is available at U.S. Cellular stores in Martinsburg. Best mobile network based on analysis by Oklof's speed test intelligence data second half of 2025. Bigger network. The combination of T-Mobile and U.S. Cellular's network footprints will enhance the T-Mobile network's coverage. Price guarantee on talk text and data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. C-T-Mobile.com for details. Dear McDonald's, your breakfast menu? Fire. Tens across the board. I could be happy with anything. Even though I ordered the same thing every time. Thanks for not judging me. I'll try something new next time. Maybe. Score a 2 for $5 deal in a sausage McMuffin with egg. And more. Limited time only. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer single item at regular price. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. When people turn to tell a health or weight loss. They're looking for real support.

19:14That's why more people are choosing orderlymets.com. Orderlymets connect you with real doctors and access to proven GLP1 medications like semi-glute side and terseptotide. No guessing, just a more supportive experience. And all shift directly to your door and discrete packaging. Do your research. Ask questions. Then visit orderlymets.com slash podcast for an exclusive offer. That's orderlymets.com slash podcast. Individual results may vary. Not medical advice eligibility required. See site for details. So the Clifnose version is that we don't really know what's going on. But we do know that last fall I presented to the ER with what seemed like a cardiac concern at first. I had just had a miscarriage. This was my second miscarriage. And I was having cardiac symptoms. I was having chest pressure and pain. I was having numbness at the time in my fingertips and in my feet. But I wasn't really paying much attention to the numbness because I was mostly focused on the fact that I was having chest pain.

20:16So I come into triage. They do an EKG. The EKG looks normal. But they of course, because it's chest pain, they rush me back. And do a full workup, a full evaluation. The doctors and nurses. One thing I want to say about this is, as frustrating as this whole process has been, the nurses and doctors themselves are absolute angels on earth. I mean, I want to say especially the nurses, but like lots of the doctors do have been amazing. And when you give their brains a problem to solve, I love watching them go like, we are going to get to the bottom of this. And they have worked so hard to try to solve this problem for me. So every single individual who I've encountered has been amazing. The system itself is extremely broken. And that's one of the things that I would love to talk about. The system, our medical system in this country is so just effed. And there's so many problems with it. So many things fall through the cracks. And I just don't think it's equipped. The system itself is not equipped to really take into account my body spirit and everything that's going on and to really find solutions or even find answers to the complex problems that so many of us are facing.

21:27So back to the story. I'm in the ER. They do a full workup. They basically tell me nothing's wrong with you. Everything's fine. The only thing that we can find often your vitals is you might have a little bit of high blood pressure. But of course you do because you're very stressed. So you can go home. And one of the nurses said to me like, it's very stressful to lose baby. I know I've had a miscarriage before too. That's probably what's happening as you're just having some anxiety. So I go home and wake up the next day. I'm still having symptoms. Symptoms seem to be worsening and persisting. And one of the symptoms that I was having that was really concerning was dizziness and burgo. My vertigo was so bad that it would wake me up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night. I would be laying there and all of a sudden I would wake up out of a dead sleep and just feel like I had... I was like being swallowed up into this big hole or I would feel like I was like summer-sulting, like falling from a high height is how it felt. And I was panicked that I was dying. So then the second day I present to the ER with same symptoms,

22:29they do a similar work-up, similar conclusion. It's like you must be really stressed. You must be having a hard time. Your body's trying to catch up to your mind. Your mind's trying to catch up to your body kind of a thing. Let's write you an anti-anxiety med. That's right, you're scripted for some anti-anxiety meds. So they send me home. Third day. I'm still having the same symptoms. I call my OB. I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I don't know what's going on. I still feel terrible. She's like, I hate to tell you this, but you've got to go back to the ER. And I'm going to call them. I'm going to tell them that you need to be admitted to the hospital. So I go back to the ER. Third night. I'm embarrassed at this point because I'm like, I know y'all have already done every single thing. And all my vitals look normal, but I just truly don't know what's going on. Like something is not right in my body and I just need to, we need to look at it further. So my wonderful OB. I love her so much.

23:29She calls the hospital. She makes sure I get admitted. She checks in on me. She calls her friend who's a cardiac specialist. Sends the cardiac specialist to me. They do a full workup on me. They order CT scan with contrast. We, I don't even know. Like every test that they could do, they did every level they could check. They checked. I stayed in the hospital overnight. And still nobody can find anything wrong with me. And by that third night, after the third time that I had presented to the ER and then stayed overnight in the hospital. Now I'm just like, okay, well, maybe everyone was right. Maybe I am just really stressed. Maybe that's what's going on. So they send me home that third time from the hospital. And I do a follow-up with cardiologists. The cardiologist has me wear a heart monitor. I wear a heart monitor for 10 days. I'm logging symptoms that I'm having while I'm wearing this heart monitor. And literally not one of these symptoms showed up on the heart monitor.

24:30So by the time the heart monitor thing is finished, I'm convinced that I'm losing my mind. And this must be a me problem. And I'm going totally crazy. And also at this point, I mean, this had been like a few weeks into this whole episode. And my symptoms seemed to be improving. And so I just went, okay, well, I guess the anti-anxiety meds are working. And I'll just move about my life and assume that this was just anxiety. Well, spoiler alert, it was not just anxiety. So I do have several months of seemingly no symptoms. Like we go through, that was September. So, you know, go through Thanksgiving. We go through Christmas. We get through the beginning of the year. First week in February, I lose all feeling from my knees down. I'm at first, it feels like I was wearing compression socks even when I wasn't. And I'm just so confused by this, but at first wasn't overly concerned about it.

25:35It was just like a weird sensation. And eventually that morphs into like tingling and more numbness. And then it starts to, that sensation starts to crawl up my right leg. By the time I was crawling up my right leg, I was like in utter panic about this. And, you know, to go back to what I was told at the ER all those times about maybe this is anxiety. Again, by the time these symptoms were worsening this second time, I was like, this is definitely anxiety. I mean, I have felt anxiety before I've had panic attacks before. That is what's happening to me right now. That is definitely a big part of this. So, I'm just like, instead of going to the ER because I know how that went last time, I'm gonna just pull out all my stops. I'm gonna call my primary care provider. I'm gonna get an appointment with her. I'm gonna go to the acupuncture clinic that I go to, get some acupuncture done. I'm gonna call my chiropractor, get an adjustment, go in and have a session with her. I'm gonna get my massage therapist out here, get a massage.

26:35I'm gonna do all my holistic things that I do to see if I can get my nervous system back to a point of study. So, I'm doing all those things. My primary care provider suggests that we do an MRI to check for a pinch nerve. She's like, sounds like a pinch nerve. It's bilateral. If it's in both legs and kind of in the same spot in both legs, it sounds like maybe you have a pinch nerve and you're low spine. So, then I'm talking to my car vector about that. She's like, yeah, that could make sense. Let's check and see how things feel. Let's give you an adjustment. My car vector was like, you also should probably check for moltaxicity. That's something that a lot of people can experience that can cause bizarre symptoms. So, she's like, all the order of moltax for you. So, we sent out for that. I don't even, I couldn't even go through the whole list of all the things that we did. But I, everything that anyone suggested to me, I was just like, yes, let's just do it. So, meanwhile, there are still some of those tests that I have not heard back on. Like, the moltaxicity test has not come back yet. So, it's possible that I could have had some mold exposure or exposure to like heavy metals

27:37or some kind of toxin that could be causing, you know, some disturbances in my body that could be creating these symptoms. I don't know yet. But also, during this time, I'm like frantically googling, I'm asking chat GPT, all the things that we do that are, in many ways, kind of unhelpful. Because one thing I noticed with chat GPT, by the way, like when you ask chat GPT medical questions, it kind of uses your prior conversations with it against you. I mean, not against you. But, like, I just noticed that chat GPT would be like, give me an option for something that could be going on with me by pulling from old information that I had given it. And then by the time I go to Google that same ailment, you know, like, for example, I'm talking with chat GPT, I'm giving it my symptoms. And it's like, yeah, this could be a mast cell activation. And so I'm like, oh my gosh. And it's like mast cell activation can cause these symptoms. And it's listing them out. And I'm really realizing, oh my god, yeah, I've had every single one of those symptoms in the last year.

28:37So then I go Google mast cell activation and realize that the actual symptoms that match with mast cell activation are not exactly the symptoms that I've been having. It doesn't mean that that's not what's going on. It just means they're not exactly the symptoms that I've been having. It's not like a dead ringer for it, the way that chat GPT makes it seem. So I just was like, wow, chat GPT can be kind of a dangerous way to, and I'm sure like all these doctors. If you're a medical professional, you got to send me a message and let me know if it drives you absolutely crazy when people come in to your office and are like, I asked chat GPT what's going on and it told me this. Like maybe that drives you crazy or maybe it doesn't. I think, you know, we're in this weird catch 22 as patients where we have to advocate for ourselves because the way the system is set up, we get like five minutes with you. And it's not always enough time or you don't always have enough attention to put on one patient because you've got so many patients you've got to take care of. So yeah, patients are putting this situation where we have to advocate for ourselves but we don't have the level of education that you do.

29:38So we're just using the tools that we have on hand. But I did wonder at the ER when I'm like, yeah, chat GPT told me this might be a thing. I wonder if the doctors are kind of like have an adverse reaction to that. I told one of the doctors, chat GPT told me I had this IV done, like an immunity IV done with a bunch of B vitamins in it and chat GPT told me that that could have caused this episode and the doctor was like, yeah, no, that's probably not what happened. So I was like, my wonder, they kind of hate it when people do that. But I was using chat GPT to try to figure out what are the options. Like in my mind, I'm just creating a list of what could possibly be going on here and there's so many different options of what could possibly be going on. But one thing that kept rising to the top of my list was multiple sclerosis. Texting privacy policy in terms of conditions posted at TextingTerms.us. Texting rolls you for a courting automated text marketing message. Just message data is my apply or play.

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32:40I could be happy with anything. Even though I ordered the same thing every time. Thanks for not judging me. I'll try something new next time. Make. Score a two for five dollar deal in a sausage McMuffin with egg and more. Limited time only price and participation may vary cannot be combined with any other offer single item at regular price. Ba da ba ba ba. When people turn to healthcare for weight loss, they're looking for real support. That's why more people are choosing orderlymeds.com. Orderly meds connect you with real doctors and access to proven GLP1 medications like some agglutite enters appetite. No guessing, just a more supportive experience. And all shipped directly to your door in discrete packaging. Do your research. Ask questions. Then visit orderlymeds.com slash podcast for an exclusive offer. That's orderlymeds.com slash podcast. Individual results may very not medical advice eligibility requires you site for details. So I'm putting together this list of possibilities.

33:40It's like multiple sclerosis. It's a mass cell activation. It's mold toxicity. It's heavy metal toxicity. It's, you know, I don't know, I don't have the list right in front of me, but there's like 30 things on my list. And I'm trying to just check one off at a time. My primary care provider says that she'll order a MRI of my brain and my upper spine to check for MS. She was like, I don't think it's MS, but we will just get that checked off. We'll get it like checked off your list so that you don't have to worry about it. So I told her, yes, let's do that. But let's try to wait a few days because in the middle of all of this, we are also doing fertility treatments. Like before my symptoms even came back, we had already decided to do these fertility treatments. So I'm in the middle of my cycle doing fertility treatments, trying to get pregnant. As this is all taking place to add extra stress to the situation. So I'm mid cycle.

34:40I don't know if I'm pregnant. Yeah, I don't want to do an MRI with contrast until I know for sure whether I'm pregnant. And so I'm going to just wait a few days until I get pregnant. And it's in the midst of this waiting period that I'm sitting at my desk one day. I'm sitting at my computer and all of a sudden I'm like, I cannot think straight. I don't even think I can stand up. The room is spinning. I'm not okay. So I call my husband. I'm like, I need you to come home. And he comes home and he's like, we got to go to the ER. So we go to the ER. This is fourth time at the ER in six months, three times last August or September. Sorry. And then this is the first time in 2026. And I present to the ER and they immediately are like, you need to have an MRI done of your brain and your total spine. So they order the MRI. They do a pregnancy test. The pregnancy test is negative. They order an MRI. They send me for imaging. I'm in the MRI machine, I guess, for three hours, like a three-hour scan of my brain.

35:46They gave me some sedatives to help me be able to relax during the scans. And I'm like, five minutes into the scans. And I'm like, I'm going to need something stronger than that. I'm going to need you to go get something stronger. It's not going to work for me. But I get the scans of my brain and get the scans back. The images come back that I do have lesions on my brain. There are no lesions on my spine, which you would expect to see if this was MS. So it's not really a dead ringer for an MS diagnosis. But it's not really a dead ringer for any other diagnosis. Either like none of the explanations for why those lesions would be on my brain make sense. None of them fit the bill. And so in some ways, it takes me right back to where I started. It's like something's going on. We don't know exactly what's going on. At least have a little bit more information now. And I've been expedited to neurology. Here's a part of the story that I'll tell that just really, maybe you could get into this in more detail at a later date.

36:46But for right now, I'll just say, a while back, Matt and I decided to forego traditional health insurance. And to use what's called a health share. So with a health share, you present as a cash pay patient, you pay out a pocket. And then you submit your receipts to the health share. And they reimburse any eligible expenses, which is so far up until now, been like most all expenses up to a certain amount. So that's what we've been doing and has worked very well for us. This time, I was referred to neurology and I was told when I left the ER that this is not emergent. In other words, they don't need to admit me to the hospital. But it is an urgent situation that needs to be handled immediately. So they were going to expedite my neurology appointment. So they refer me to neurology the next morning at 7 a.m. This is like four hours after I leave, not even two hours after I leave the ER. They call me to get me scheduled for neurology. And while I'm doing the intake on the phone, she's like, what's your health insurance? And I'm like, oh, I don't have the health insurance. I'm cash pay. And she's like, what do you mean you're your cash pay?

37:47And I'm like, yeah, I'm just, I'm cash pay patient. And I don't have health insurance. She's like, oh, well, we don't see cash pay patients. And I was like, what do you mean? Like I will show up with a check. I'll write you a check. I'll pay you cash on site at the time of the appointment. And she was just like, yeah, no, we don't do that. So I'm like, that just doesn't make any sense. Like that is so confusing to me. It doesn't make any sense that I can't show up to an appointment with a specialist and pay cash before my appointment. Anyway, that ball goes my mind. So then I had to jump through a handful of extra hoops to get an neurology appointment, which I was able to do. Thankfully, because I have a large network. I have a lot of people who love me. People who want to help me. I've got a lot of privilege and access and power. I was able to get myself a neurology appointment and advocate for myself. I think what really gets to me is that not everybody is in this position. Not everybody would have access to the resources that I have.

38:47So the system is just really broken. That's the only takeaway. The system is broken. It doesn't make a lot of sense. And I'm grateful that I am able to see a neurologist. Anyway, as of right now, this is where the story stops. I mean, I don't have a conclusion to the story yet. I don't have a resolution to the story. And one thing I know about unresolved stories is that they take up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth until we can resolve them. Our brains do not like open story loops. I've talked about this before. This is why you will binge a Netflix show way past your bedtime, because your brain does not want to leave that loop open until tomorrow. You need to close the loop. You need to know what's going to happen in the story. You need to know that the hero is going to be okay. And having open story loops takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. And one thing that I'm trying to remind myself of is that we're living with a lot of open story loops right now. We are just like overtaxed with so many open story loops. We don't know what's going to happen with the economy. We don't know what's going to happen with this new war that has been started.

39:50We don't know what's going to happen politically. It feels like we're teetering on the brink of potentially like a big change, one way or the other. We don't know what's going to happen there. Many of us are in these open story loops in our lives personally like I am. We don't know what's going to happen. And that level of uncertainty is extremely, extremely distressing. So if you are feeling the weight of that right now, I just want to remind you that you are not crazy. That you're not making this up. That this is not like. Yeah, I mean, even if that stress is manifesting as physical symptoms, I'm not saying that my symptoms are stress-related. I don't believe that they are. But if you are having some symptoms that are manifesting or having stress that is manifesting in physical symptoms, no freaking wonder you are because this is a lot of stress that all of us are under. And we've been under this stress since 2020 or maybe potentially before that. But for sure, since the pandemic happened, we're experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety under the surface. So if you don't feel like yourself, if you feel overwhelmed,

40:50if you feel tired, more tired than you're used to feeling, if you are feeling like you don't feel like going out as much, or you don't feel as talkative with people or whatever, I just want you to know that it's so, so normal that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and you're not making this up. And I think one of the things that one of the reasons, I guess I'll say, that I'm even sharing this story here, because I'm having like all my demons are popping up right now, saying like, you shouldn't have done this. This is just offloading onto people. This is not what this platform is for. Nobody needs to know about this. It just isn't the place for this kind of a thing. The reason that I'm doing this is I hope if nothing else, it can be a reminder that whatever you're going through, it feels better if you talk about it. It feels better if you stop pretending like everything's fine, if you stop pretending like nothing's really going on. If you stop going like, yeah, I'm going through this really hard and horrible experience in my life, but I'm just going to push the record button and be like, here's 10 steps to write a book.

41:50I just think in a time like this for us to go about our lives as normal to continue with the status quo is a mistake. It's a misstep and all of us are struggling. All of us are suffering. You do not have to pull it together. That is a piece of advice. I've been giving to myself and a mantra I've been using over and over again. You do not have to pull it together. All my life, I have pulled it together and pulled it together and pulled it together. And I even told my therapist I was like, I feel like I have coped I have coped so well since 2020 with all of the curveballs that life has thrown my way. And this is the straw that's broke the camel's back. I am no longer coping well. And I think I just want to remind you that you don't have to keep coping well. You can be as sad as you need to be. You can be as scared as you need to be. You can be as confused as you need to be. You can feel as lost as you need to feel. Find someone that you can talk about it with. Find somewhere that you can be honest.

42:51Just one place, one place or one person. And I promise that talking about it will lighten the load. It will remind you that you're not alone in this. And I hope that this episode can remind you of that. It really isn't about centering me and oh, feel bad for me. And you know, whatever. Please do pray for me because I will do the same for you. Like hold me in love the same way that I will hold you in love. Let's hold each other in love right now. We need that more than ever, more than ever. I'm holding this space for love here. I'm sitting on my couch. I'm thinking about you while you listen to this. I appreciate you listening to my story and hearing me out. And I hope that I will see you back here next week on the Writer's Story Podcast. This is Julian Edelman from Games with Names. I want to take a second to talk about something that's personal to me. I've had the privilege of working closely with Robert Kraft for a long time.

43:53And one thing I've always respected is how seriously he takes up standing up to hate. As a Jewish athlete, my identity is something I am proud of. But I also know what it feels like to be singled out for it. That's why this new commercial for the Blue Square Alliance against hate that aired during the big game really hit home. It's about showing up for someone when they're targeted, even if you don't have the perfect words. And sometimes standing next to someone is enough. And you can show support by sharing the Blue Square. I'm U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy.

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