Why Your Brain Says STOP When Running?

0:00Shut up!! Welcome back everybody. I'm your host Karen Beningnitraj, the your mental fitness and peak performance coach, and I'm founder of the Mental Fitness Edge. And host of this beautiful podcast with my beautiful guest running strong mind body connection. So here's something I want you to think about for just a second.

1:03What is unresolved conflict actually costing you? Not just in your business, but in your energy, your focus, your sleep, your relationships, your performance. Really? What is unresolved conflict costing you? Most of us are caring tension. We haven't named it. They come in patterns. We haven't seen. And they quietly drain everything inside of us. So my beautiful guest today is Robin McTague. Do I say that right? Very good. Yes, you did. She's a conflict resolution specialist. She's a speaker, a founder of a life of choice, blending psychology, counseling, and lived experiences. Robin helps individuals, couples and teams eliminate conflict by getting to the root, the patterns underneath the tension, and turning them into clarity, stronger relationships and better results. Robin, welcome. This conversation is one I think a lot of people are going to need today and welcome to the podcast.

2:04Thank you so much. This is going to be super fun. We're on the same page. Robin, what's the hidden cost of conflict? Hidden is that key word. So we don't realize what's quietly happening in our brain and it impacts us in every area of life. For me, it was a wake up call with my health. For some relationships, it's others that mental machinations and not resting our mind, emotional, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, all those different ways that it impacts us. So, I could dive into that, share that story with us about your health and what was that wake up call for you? Yeah. So for me, I grew up in a very, I say, capital D dysfunctional family because my dad was alcoholic, rage, a whole sexual abuser and would rage. And then my mom was mentally ill and suicidal. So I saw a conflict to see their hide and be afraid or explosion.

3:10So I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I stuffed everything down. I was very withdrawn. And well, this year, 26 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I really had to stop and look at my life and say, do I want it to continue this way? That's beautiful. We have the same life. Well, I did. I did the same thing. I, and many people do and they don't look at that. And then they don't relate that what happens because all that stress is a young child. We create those stories in our head. My story was of hiding in my bedroom to stay away from. I had an alcoholic father who was, I had a very angry mother and it was all those situations that as a child, as a very young individual, we find places to find our own sense of love and security. And I found it in my room where I created that inner safety and then it made me have no

4:13voice. I created everything my life to be perfect because that made me feel in control and in love and life. Yeah. And then you're, and to wake up to that, because your body said something, hey, if we don't take care of this, this can be even worse. And so is that simple and I'm going to say it simple because you recovered. It's been 26 years of the breast cancer. Yeah. And the thing is, I say, you know, our spirit's talking to us and it starts small. And it just gets louder and louder till it actually stops us. And unfortunately for some people, they don't live, right? They don't listen to what. Which is sad, but you know, I'm grateful I did and it was an opportunity. I had benefits where I worked at the time and I spent six months on my sofa just digging out all those emotions. I buried down in all the pain and it was, you know, the fear was there.

5:16Am I going to get out of this Pandora's box, but I did get through. So I'm here to let you know, you can, you know, it's, it's taking that one step and really tapping into the heart of the courage. Yeah. And here, here, because you're going to share that message with the world on the impact of how our, and I, and this is kind of a ride along with I teach with the mental fitness is our, the voices in our head, the beliefs that we're holding on to is not, it impacts the health of our body. And if we wake up, because our body is a messenger of our overall well-being and it's saying, you know, change your thoughts, change, learn more about something here because I'm going to put you in this place because you need to learn something here. And so what a gift that you had the opportunity to learn that for yourself. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, that conflict starts within us. And so often we're looking on what's out there, but really that conflict starts with us.

6:21And that's what we really need to look at those places like for you hiding there and not speaking your voice for me, what saved me because people were so awful with animals. I love nature. I still do, but I had my cats. I mean, one place we had chickens, you know, we had dogs at one point. I connected with animals and that was what saved me really. And they are, that's so hilarious. I will, I don't mind, you're going to be sharing one of my stories. I do too. I have a cat sitting here right next to my salt lamp. That's just, and I love cats. I really want one of those big male tight lions. They just look so cuddly. I want one. I actually cut it a lion in Africa. Oh, no. I agree. They're so strong and so gentle and so centered.

7:23I used to sit with my cat when I was a teenager and I was just waiting for the day to turn 18 so I could leave home. I needed to get out of there. But I sat on a doorstep with my cat and told my cat all my problems. And that cat just sat there and listened to me. That's my best therapist ever. Absolutely. I went through that with the cat and it was one that had been abandoned. And I was with my ex-husband at the time. And when we split up, the cat was through the divorce with me, with cancer, and we were so bonded and we were very psychic and I also teach meditation and energy healing. And when it was time to go, the cat had diabetes for the last two years and wouldn't eat when I would go away.

8:24So I was like two years of just working with it saying, I'll be okay on my own. Talk me how to love myself and have that relaxed place and you can go but you have to give me a sign. So it was clear when it happened that it was that place, that's what I needed. And for each of us, it's something different. And that helps us with our physical regulation. We have here so much about regulation and really it's being able to calm ourselves in different ways to listen to those messages within us, to listen where are the tensions in the conflicts and the tensions before it explodes into the full-blown conflict. Right. So what do you do to teach people how to intercept that? So I teach them through the mental fitness stuff. Just taking ten seconds and touching yourself when you're getting in that conflict.

9:24Because those are the sabitores and all that negative thought we've been reacting to our whole life. And they have repeated pattern that we keep doing. And it's not healthy but it's in all realities, comfortable because that's all we know. But if you can change that and you decide that was my decision as I was sick and tired of being in horrible relationships and I was just repeating the same pattern as I learned as a kid. And it's like what about me? You know what about me? Who am I? And giving past that message of conflict of living into that. So what do you do? How do you teach your people on giving past that? Yeah. Because we want to avoid it all. And so first thing is to really get honest with ourselves about what's going on. And I have a couple of tools that I use that. I mean, I integrate the counseling and the conflict resolution into everything. But I have an assessment.

10:25I do a motivational map because most people don't know what drives their behavior and what energizes them. So it helps us to clearly outline, oh, this is what's going on and look for those internal tensions that we have and how we feel pulled in different directions. And then I'm also an endocrine teacher. So we look at that deeper personality. And what I say is our past and our personality don't have to define us. So having that awareness to see what are those unconscious patterns playing out. What are the triggers? So then we can go to the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual needs that you have. So learning the breath, learning to be present in the body, meditation, centering practice. There's different ways to do it. And finding something that works for you. And that's what I really like. It's no cookie cutter approach. It's really getting to know you and what's going on and what are the things. There's always the physical part and learning the breath, learning you have choice.

11:30And then it's like going through those deeper parts. And I also do the shadow work so we can look at what are the parts of us that we've been ignoring and how can I bring it into the conversation. So it's not running the show and sabotaging me and my unconscious. I love that. So. So one of the examples I use is jealousy, right? Who wants to feel jealous? Whether it's another person or something someone else has or whatever it is. And when I looked at it for myself, I realized, oh, it's just something I desire. So I didn't have that control over me and like sabotaging things or making me say things that I thought that wasn't so kind. Why did I say that? So a way to really say, okay, when it comes up, I see what's going on and it relaxes that part of us. And so it doesn't play out in the same way. Yeah. It's taking that. I like that because you're taking that moment to actually pay attention to what am I thinking

12:34here? And behind those thoughts, what is the emotion that I'm stirring up? And that's powerful. It brings awareness about ourselves and sometimes people might be afraid to work to make themselves better because they are afraid that their people and their lives will go away. Well, in all reality, I don't believe that's true unless they are really meant to go away. But when we become better of who we are and our potential, life out there becomes better because our relationships, how I show up for other people becomes healthier and better. And then they naturally show up healthier and better as a conflict. And so yeah, I love, I love, and we have all those, it's, yeah, being aware of our thoughts to me, that was the key point of what am I thinking here?

13:34What's this is serving me? But then we do have all those subconscious beliefs that drive that too and it's changing those beliefs. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, we talk about the inner critic in the end of the ground world. And depending on your type to sometimes it's more prevalent, we all have it to some degree but for some people it's like so overwhelming. And for my type, we talk about the inner committee. I love that. There's a lot of things going on. So learning to get out of that looping thinking, to get present, like there's a lot, you know, we talk about insomnia so bad now, like people are not getting the sleep they need. And how can we be functional and really be healthy and you know, it's going to bring up more conflict in your life if you're not rested and feeling your best, you know, how

14:37irritated we get when we get sick. You know, just having a cold or something, it's like you don't have the same capacity. So it's about getting the learning and the ways to deal with it when you're not in the conflict and building that capacity over time. And so then like you know with the thinking, right, it's that, oh, now I know how to address it and it's not going to take me out so quickly and building that skill. Yeah. And I talk a lot about having that mental fitness because we are rewiring the brain. Based on neuroplasticity is based on neuroscience and from both of what you and I do, you know, we, I even find for myself because I went really deep into that and became a master within the mental fitness because I so believe in how our mind works, impacts my body, impacts my whole life and I find today that I'm a completely different person than I was 34

15:39years ago. But too, I find myself responding in the peace and calm as opposed to reacting in the, like you were saying the, I call them the inner sabitores, the inner midi, the inner critic committee. And that's where I discovered too is that those beliefs I created as a kid came into me. My actions as an adult, which creates the conflict, which creates the rebellion, which creates, you know, unhealthy conversations, it creates all that stuff because that's kind of what I keep. That's all I knew until we knew something different. And I love you. I love that you're assessment and mine is on a potential. And basically the assessment that I have is about tapping into our true potential and I believe everybody is never tapping into their true potential.

16:41And we hold ourselves back and the strongest one is going to be that inner critic. Yeah. And there's a lot of emotions, especially for people. I mean, we all have some trauma. Like, you know, I, I don't like when people, I mean, obviously, we, I mean, we, I, I, we, our society, has us compare ourselves to others. And what I try to do is really say, you know, it's what's important to you. And what happened to you is still important. You can't measure yourself against someone else. I can tell you more atrocious stories. That's not the point. Right. It's what did we deal with? What do we need to address and to find the ability to deal with that? So having that understanding and not taking things personally because that's what we do automatically, right? And we have these feelings of blame and shame that come in as kids because we don't know how to distance ourselves from that other person.

17:44And the adult or even the other kids, we see it with bullying. We take on what they project and put on to us and we take it on as our own. So part of it is learning to distance ourselves from that feeling or projection that comes onto us. And as you may know, as a quiet person, right? And I'm also an introvert is people project on to me all the time. And it's like learning to say, no, that's not me. And keep that off is a skill that we have to learn too. So that we're not just reacting. Right. I really love this conversation and the people you're impacting and the gifts that you have. So your gift is it a life choice? A life of choice. A life of choice. Yeah. So I love that. I'm trusting because you know, Victor Franco, if people have read, sort of meaning,

18:49I still recommend that book to people. And that's what I just had to choose for myself. And I had some really big choices, like not moving with my mom and going into foster care when I was a teen, walking away from a drug addict that I had been seeing. You know, like my life would have been so different if I hadn't made those choices. We make it every second of the day and to understand it's there and not fall into that victimhood. And that's what I saw with my mom. And you know, I fought against it so hard, but there were parts of me I had to deal with that I hadn't acknowledged that I didn't feel like the victim. So not discounting all of us, but just being kind and gentle and compassionate. I love that statement too because all of our emotions are a gift in a sense.

19:51And we that's the ability of us being human as we have all these emotions and they're just emotions. And there's no judging of them. And but it's the idea that we get to feel them and then make choices from where we're at. And I love, I really love this conversation. And I thank you so much Robin for being on this podcast. Clarity is always a choice. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed it. Yeah.