Why Men Feel Alone - Even When They’re Surrounded by People Who Love Them

0:00So I spent much of my life feeling like I was on my own, not because I didn't have people around me, but because I didn't think I could trust anyone with fully knowing me. I could handle people gossiping about something that wasn't true, but what I couldn't handle was someone knowing a truth I felt could be used against me. So I learned to control my story. I kept my struggles private, my finances, my relationships, my family. I handled everything alone, even when people had proven they were trustworthy. Because deep down I was afraid that if they knew everything, the world might stop seeing the man I wanted it to see. But now I'm wondering, did keeping control of my story protect me? Or did it create the loneliness I was trying to survive? Welcome back to Four Titles, One Truth.

1:00Hey, I'm Tommy. And I'm Lance. Today's conversation is, why do men feel alone even when they have people who love them? Let's get into it. Alright Lance, how can you have family, friends, and people who genuinely care about you and still feel like you're completely on your own? It's self-inflicted. I mean, I do it to myself. I mean, I know it for me, I do it to myself. Just because I don't want to bother anybody. I feel like I'm bothering somebody who I feel like that's not their problem. That's my problem. I need to handle it. Keep the weight on your own. Yeah, I mean, so that's a lot of, that's pure and simple as easy. I mean, that's where you take your cause for. You take your own examples? Yeah, probably some of my father doing it. My father would take care of stuff and I would come and be like, why aren't you asking me to help?

2:00I could've done things like, I got it. I could do it. Even knowing that somebody helped, it would be a lot easier. You know, so I mean, that piece is, I mean, it just grows to other things where it's like, you know, the health and things like that. I mean, because I dealt with that with, with, with, with, with, with y'all and, you know, other, other friends and stuff where it's like, I needed somebody to take me to the hospital and I got it. It's like, I got it. I can do it. Yeah, I'm fine. You know, till I got to the hospital and it was like, man, I should have somebody drive me to the hospital. But it wasn't anything where I didn't, I didn't feel like I didn't, I just felt like that didn't want to bother nobody. You know, I just didn't want to bother anymore. Because it was my problem. You know, y'all might have been doing something. I ain't want to disrupt you from doing something. So, yeah. So, I'm going to say, before I left home, it was just, there was things you just wanted

3:09people to know. You know what I'm saying? So, like, my father knew things about me that my mom did. My mom knew things about me that my dad did. My sister knew, you know what I'm saying? So, I don't think it's normal to share every story with everybody. Right? And so, and then when you start talking about school and sports and all that, you know, I just, there's a representative of yourself that you need people to see. Right? And so, for instance, it's a version. Absolutely. So, if you're in sports, wrestling, basketball, whatever, you want people to see you as the man, you know, you don't want people to see your weaknesses or even hear conversations that dealt with other things other than you dominate. Right. And then you're in your relationships. And I'm still talking like in the house. It's never thought to bring my family into the relationship with the girl, you know, because, you know, to be honest, I've just, it took me for

4:13ever to even consider like not that I didn't expect it, but a long-term relationship with a woman is just not something I dreamed about, you know? And then I don't want to make it sound like I was just mean and cutting people off, but it was just, it just never grew to that point, you know? And then when you talk about leaving the military or excuse me, leaving home to go to college or leaving home to go to military, can't speak for all men, but for this man, it was a competition, you know? And so I'm not about to give nobody anything on me that can be used, you know? So everything I did was in, even was in secret, even like when it comes to mentoring, it took me forever to seek mentorship because I just didn't feel like I felt like I was given away, you know, secrets in advantage, you know what I'm saying?

5:17And it's like, you know, the mentors, yeah, they're two or three ranks ahead of you, but I'm going to be there one day, you know what I'm saying? And I'm going to be there quicker than even they imagine. This is my thought process. And so I'm even seeing them as competition. And so that led to the people that only mentored me early on was because they stepped forward and did it, you know? And they didn't try to keep a relationship going because the ones that actually got to me and what I mean got to me, it made a impact on me. I think they were aware of the type of person I was solo. And I think that that's how they came at me knowing that this ain't going to be a long term mentorship point. I was going to say, you think that pushed people away? I'm kind of pissed. Cause people not to approach you. 100%. 100%. 100%. Because I know, I think I've said it before, I think a lot of the people that could have

6:20mentored me. I think I think I use the word scare, but I don't think that's the right word because it muddies up the picture I'm trying to paint. But I just think it was like they didn't want to fight to try to help you. I'm trying to help this dude and this dude ain't even letting no barriers down. So why even try to be there for this dude that don't really want anybody to be there, you know what I'm saying? But to answer the question I asked you about where it came from, I think it's just like you said, the examples you've seen growing up. It's just like my dad didn't always say everything and I know most of it.

7:20Like for instance, I don't know the depth of how he grew up, the depths of how he grew up, you know what I'm saying? Like whenever he would tell that story, it was very top level when it was one on one, but then you'd get more of the story when his family reunions and he's around his brothers and sisters and all that. But you know, and so I learned, you know, keep your family, keep it away, you know. I don't want to say it's funny, but you saying that I think about how my father, I know how my father was brought up in what he was doing when he was 10 or 11. He was helping to raise and take care of his young siblings and stuff so it wasn't anybody that, and he was the oldest. So it wasn't anybody who he could look up to and say, you know, so he was, I mean, it was one of them constant. Yeah. So it wasn't, I can't, you're not going to share it with anybody to share it with.

8:27So it was just like get it done, you know. But did he openly talk to you about his childhood? Tell me about it. You tell me because I had to ask, I wasn't because he just said this is what. I mean, I asked about it just because it was like, man, what did, and that's after, you know, speaking in the here stories, you know, my grandmother would tell me about and, and then looking at pictures and then just knowing how they, how they grew up, where they grew up, you know, the dynamic. Yeah, every the all of that. Okay. So how much of feeling alone comes from needing to control the story? People know about you. Well, for me, it's 99.99, 99%. And the only way I can hopefully explain this so that people don't think that men are just vaults just because, but like for instance, with us, you got to take in a consideration

9:32that joining the army, I'm leaving a known and going to a unknown. And then that first unknown for me was basic training. And in basic training, 100% competition among which you walk into the door, right? And so you make friends and I say associates, they become friendly with certain people because no matter what certain personalities are either grouped together or they go on opposite ends of the room, right? And so, but like basic training, when I left there, there was nobody I kept in contact with, you know, and it's not because I didn't think they were cool. It's just that I didn't do it. And they didn't do it. And then you're going to say, and so you end up not and then you just keep going, that's just normal. Not so many. And then you get to the unit. You're only there for a couple years. And then you're off to a brand new situation, even if you come back to a saying spot, there's

10:34going to be most of the people who are going to be gone. And so it's like, I never went forward looking to make friends, right? I went forward understanding. I had a job to do. And then if I found those like-minded people or those personalities that vibe, you know, that's when you would so-called make friends. But I can tell you, man, until I was a senior leader and started to really understand what friendship was and how valuable it could be. I was like, I don't know. Yeah, even Nikki will say it now. Nikki will say it now. Like with you, she was like, I don't think I've ever seen you have a friend like that. And I'm like, you right. And it's not because I'm not friendly like that. It's simply because once you leave a place, it's- They go. Yeah, yeah.

11:34And then- So I always wanted to control the narrative walking into a new unit or to a new place. And that narrative was competent, capable, and leaning forward, ready to work. That was the narrative. And anything else beyond that, it was just nonsense, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I- Yeah. I mean, I think that's probably a few things. I know that I feel like that's something that we as men and we as black men do, especially when we're younger, is like we're trying to establish ourselves. And then when we feel like we've established ourselves and we're tracking on what we want to do and what we want to be, then it's like we're focused on, this is what I need to do to keep on moving up and moving up and moving up and moving up in the world. You know, just to make myself better, make my family better, make those around me better,

12:37but they don't know that it's me. That's right. That's doing this, that's creating this. That's why we floss with the car, with the rims. Try to- Yeah, we- Yeah. What they call a peacock and the rock show. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. You know, what's going on? What we're doing. So, but yeah, that- I mean, I tell you what, the friends, I had- Military friends, and I mean, because I started making military friends when I was in college, I went through ROTC just because we were in class together. We were on train, you know, and those were the same people for the four years that, you know, I was there. It was like a long duty assignment, you know, we were there with folks, but also getting to know people outside of the military thing, because we were just- We knew the light, I guess the life thing, the civilian piece of it, because that's where we were coming from. That's where we were going to, we were all learning the military piece of it. Ain't growing together. Yeah, growing together. And that, you know, starting to become, okay, this is going to, you know, do I want this

13:42to be my life? I not want this to be what I want to do in the future. And, you know, deciding, okay, this is what came on, this is what I want to do. Then it started to like, okay, now we're about to get serious about this and start really getting into it and learning these things, you know. And getting commissioned and getting to, you know, first duty assignment and all that stuff. And it's like, now it's game on. Now I got a new group of folks that I have to, that I'm going to be competing with, because before I'm competing with everybody else that looks like me. Right. You know, we're all, we all got the same goal and we're all learning, you know, what we need to do in order to be successful because we're going into a- a environment, going to be going into an environment where instead of being a majority or to equal across, we're going to be in a minority and- Right. Having the proof yourself. Having the proof yourself. Yeah. Having-

14:42Absolutely. And that's probably the biggest, one of the biggest things is that every time we step into a, you know, I was stepping on and saying, we say, every time I was stepping to a room, it was, okay, now I got to- Represent. Let them know. Yeah. Yeah. That I am competent. Yeah. In my military, military things, I'm competent in my job that I'm doing, you know, my nursing job that I'm doing, I know exactly what I'm doing. So it's, you know, I feel like I was fighting on two fronts sometimes with- And have made you feel like you're by yourself. Yep. Yeah. And I guess the good thing about that is that I had friends that were, I could still- Call along. Reach. You know, that weren't in medical, that were in, you know, different areas in the military or we would be stationwood folks, you know, that we knew when we were all coming up together

15:47and stuff that we could be like, hey man, what's going on with this? You know, so you hear- So it's nice to hear those similar stories and, you know, people with the same struggle that you're going through to be like, okay, I'm not crazy. You know, I'm not crazy. Because that was probably my biggest thing was just being able to- Then I had my- I would always have my father, I could call back to to make sure it's like, I'm not crazy, this doesn't make me- I'm not nuts, I'm not well. You know, feeling this way or if I said this or something, you know, with somebody being honest, you know, and somebody not trying to blow smoke. It's not everybody is honest with you about things they tell you stuff and it could be wrong. And they're just telling you that just to say, yeah, it's fine. And then you just keep on blowing it. Because they think that's helping you. Yeah, and it's not helping. So, you know, all right. And see, that's the- that's the- so we have a lot of similarities, but we also have a lot of differences. And that's another one to where you had a little bit of a community coming out of college,

16:48you know. So, your first few days, your first introduction to the actual military, you raised your hand and now you're in the unit, you had people that you knew were going through the exact same thing. And my introduction to the military too is what like yours, you were running. You know what I mean? You started off and you were already, you know, six, seven on the treadmill going. Yeah. I got to start walking. I was at three walking, you know, learning, because it's like, okay, that's how you were doing for it. It's like, okay, you know, without getting punished for it, if it wasn't, you know, if it wasn't right, if it wasn't 100%. Yours, you had to start off. You running because- First, you don't know who you are. Yours is starting. Yeah, yours is starting from there already starting on your career and making their own assumptions and ideas about you from the get-go. Yeah. And it's no- you have no- don't have a big, we call it that. You have to get margin here. You don't have a big margin of error there.

17:49Yeah. And granted that everybody knows that you're brand new and young, but you only get so much of that. You know, that only goes so far. Yeah, especially if you keep making mistakes. Right. If someone has proven they can be trusted, why can't it still be difficult to let them fully know who you are? Sometimes you just don't want folks to know everything about you. You know what's going on? Because you don't want somebody to have a different outlook on you. I mean, it's a certain persona that you have put forth to folks, you know, and you are- I mean, in its fear more than anything, you're afraid to go, you don't want to look weak or you don't want to look vulnerable to people. It's so a tank. Yeah, I mean, so- I mean, and I tell you, and that's- especially when you're coming up and you're young, or you're, you know, in that middle part of your career, a life where everybody thinks

18:51that, oh man, they got it all together. He's good to go. You know, you don't want- it's like I can't. Yeah. Because you're afraid that if you do allow somebody to see that. Yeah. I mean, I would say that I would let my wife knew. She knew. I mean, she what you call it. And that still- that also was scary because it's like, you don't want to do the field. And I got this weak joke with her. I was just that this time. I thought it was. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, so you just like, she's going to leave. Yeah. So, I mean, so that fear- Fear. Yeah, so that fear, but it's also what- I mean, we just talked about the- you know, it's like- that's like true- and where it's like you're just giving- you know, you- Right. And then you're going to, you know, that type of trust, but- it's telling like friends or other- you know, other- you be like- Yeah. I'm going to tell you something. One thing I learned very early in the military- and of course, back home, but specifically in the military,

19:57specifically in the military is that men, especially black men in the military, all they want to do is talk about their accomplishments, their conquers- and just everything that makes them the man. You hardly ever hear anybody talk about their weaknesses, right? And so that becomes the norm to you, you know. But one thing I just never did, man, I just always tried to never be that guy that just talked about my- my relationships, talked about my family. You know, I just- I left all that stuff out, you know. If somebody wanted to tell me their business or what they were doing, that's fine. Yeah, oh really, oh okay. But when it came time for me to say so, I was like, just chillin, man, just chillin. Cause for you, if- I mean exactly what you said, it's fear of people knowing things that

20:58could somehow come back and- But you know, it's like you don't want anybody to use anything that you perceive as a witness again. Or have anything. Yeah, I have anything that they could potentially use. Yeah. And so that's like for instance, you know, there'd be times where it's hard enough in this world as a man and as a black man to make your way and feel like everybody around you is against you. That's the thing, right? But it's- it's another thing to give them the ammunition to validate some of those ideas and stereotypes. And so I've just believed that, you know, you just keep your stuff to yourself and that will either force them to make things up, which I don't care.

21:59Or it would force them to see exactly what you want them to see and that's your ability. Let me ask you this. As you grew and got older and you're at the point where you are now and you're like, do you feel like that has changed for you? I mean, the podcast is proof of you. I was- I'm saying, I'm like, let me tell you, I can say that something I'm gonna say. I know for me that older I got the more mature I got and really started understanding, you know, truly understanding things. Yeah. It's got me and you get to the point where it's like, I don't- what are you gonna do to me? You know, what are you gonna do to me? I can tell you now I am at a point where I'm not competing with anybody. Yeah. Right, so that's one thing. So and now I've transitioned into my maturity, like you said, to where I know for a fact that my path can help somebody. Right. Because no matter how you want to look at it, I was successful in the military.

23:01Right. And I was successful in life. Right. And I was successful in leaving home and finding myself. And I think that's valuable for especially young black men and black kids as well as just men, right, to see that it can happen. He did it. And if I can listen or learn something that maybe I didn't know, maybe I can avoid the whole hurdles and roadblocks that he had, right? So now, matter of point, whenever I talk to somebody younger than me, I'm always trying to give them hard truths through my examples of failures and successes. But yeah, that took. It took the more I was in front of soldiers, the more it changed. You know, as a squad leader, they're competing with me that I'm still trying to get them

24:02right as a platoon sergeant. I'm more developing more people and speaking to a larger group. And at that point, I was somewhat successful in the military. So everybody that's looking up at me is trying to, you know, if their focus is trying to take my spot, right? So I'm sharing more about myself than as a first sergeant standing front, 150 plus and you're sitting there and you want them because once again, they want to be in your position, right? And so you're talking to them and you start giving them more and more about yourself, about your path. You still don't tell them, you know, my great grandfather was born in, you know, you still don't give them real details, but you start to be, I started to be more honest about my path. And then as a sergeant major, I mean, it's the ultimate goal as a dag on enlisted soldiers. So anytime I had a chance to speak to an audience, say, graduation, promotion, what have you,

25:06or invited to speak to another branch or another nation's army, non-commissioned officers, it was always about trying to reveal things about me that could be relatable or also things about me that I don't know if it's relatable, but this was a, you know, this was a huge hurdle for me. Right. And so people know that I didn't just walk into this rank, I didn't just walk into this 30 years, you know, because there's a lot of people that raise their hand and join the military. And they're definitely in a lot of people that make it 30 years, sergeant major, 30 years kernel, what have you. Right. Now, I like how you put in your different levels of the leadership, where it's like more and more, I mean, it's like more and more responsibility. Absolutely. And it allowed you to be like, okay, I need to reveal, yeah, to show folks, because

26:09you said he's to show folks at a real person too, and you can make it. You can, you can mess up and still, you know, it's not easy, but you can still be successful. You just make it, it's a little chink in the armor here in the armor. And there's also that thing of when you're standing and when I was standing in front of those different levels, you're also like, what questions did I have when I was in the audience, you know, when I was in the formation. And then that's the stuff that I tried to reveal or tried to pass on, yeah, just to help them out, you know. I'll have competition, military service, and being a black man, shape, who you believe you could trust. It's sort of like we've already talked about. It's the fact that all of that, yeah, all of that, all of those elements that you named

27:09were competition. You can put competition at the end and everything's a competition. And so you don't want to give the advantage. You don't want to give somebody the edge, you know, like, for instance, I'm, I'm, what am I doing as a specialist, right, E four? What am I doing to get promoted to Sergeant E five, right? I'm not telling everybody what I do it because, you know, I don't want to share. I get there first. Yeah, I don't want to share. I don't want to share. I don't want to get there first. You know, get established. What am I doing to get the point? Yeah. Is that the right way? No, because you're part of a team, you know, but I don't care what anybody says that nobody is going to make the rank of Sergeant Major a Colonel if they fail to realize it's a competition about you. If you're always a super team player, you are not going to make it that far. You're not because you have to take some things on yourself, you know, you have to do more

28:10than just take the hard job. You have to, you have to, and like I said, each level, you start to understand that, well, I need to loosen up. I need to do that. But if you don't understand as a competition, man versus man, man versus woman, woman versus woman, if you don't make, understand that your career is going to be very short and it's going to stop at a certain level. And that level usually on the enlisted side is senior staffs are in Sanford's class because you didn't invest enough of your time into realizing that it's about you, you know, and that is a fact that I argue anybody down with. So it, I can tell you, my whole career, I don't think there's any one person that I just trusted with everything. I've had leaders that in the moment, I, I depended on and they didn't let me down.

29:12Like I told you about that drill, Sergeant time when my finance rejected. My first sergeant at that time kept it to himself and helped me through it, you know. So I have loyalty to him because of that, but I still didn't give it, you know, continue to feed him my failures and it's not because nothing against him. It was just simply just what didn't, and what I did, you know. And so, I mean, it just sounds horrible. I mean, I mean, I hear me because I mean, because I tell you this, I mean, I trusted my father. But I wouldn't tell him every, like, yeah, I mean, like when I was in school and I'm like, I was messing up in a cloud. I wouldn't tell him, yeah, I'm saying that, you know, he telling him that, he was fired out on the low. He got my ass kicked out of whatever on the, you know, on the matter, whatever it was

30:13like. I did. It was all right. I mean, I wouldn't tell him everything, but I probably, I know I confided and told him more than anybody, you know, anybody else till I got married and it was like, okay, this is who I'm, you know, with his, who I'm talking to. This is, you know, I'll tell my wife about stuff. I mean, but early, I mean, I'll tell you early on and shoot, I mean, I'll, I'll almost tell her, well, tell her, retire, I mean, still didn't trust anybody because when it got time to, and I'll tell you why, when it got close to like, you know, you start getting into the, you get over 20s, like, okay, I'm gonna keep on going. And you get, you know, you start getting promoted to the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and stuff. Yeah, it's like, okay, I'm not gonna tell these folks stuff because then you feel like

31:17they're gonna use that against me to keep me from getting this job or they're gonna use it against me from trying to get me put out for doing my, I mean, and I just like, and my wife always tell me, she's like, you always think somebody out to get you and I'm like, well, that's just the way I, I mean, and I don't, and, and I don't know why that is. I mean, now, it doesn't, I don't feel it as much, but I still feel like folks are looking with, look at me and be like, we got him about to get over him or whatever. I mean, it's like, no, you know, you're not getting over. You don't know me. My, my belief is, it's like you said before, it's fear, and it's fear of like, for instance, now, I can admit, Nikki and you know me better now? I'm serious, know me better now than anybody on this earth, and it's because of all these

32:17conversations me and you've had for five years now, give or take, and then Nikki, know me forever, right? But it's, but like even like my neighbor, other neighbors, they, they don't know anything about me. They, they know I speak, they know I'm okay, they know what we do, whatever, but yeah, they know absolutely, absolutely. And that's, that's just the way it is. And it's, and I think it's because of, if I have to say something about being a black man, if I have to say why, because I am a black man, I think it's because you, you don't want anybody to just pull the rug out from my knee, you know what I'm saying? You don't want, you don't want somebody to have the ammunition to, to stop you on the path you're on. And depending on who that person is, the race of that person determines the levels, how

33:20that could, eat you up. It could mess you up, it could mess your family up, mess your money up, it could mess everything up. So I think that's a part of it. And I can tell you, if it's, it hurts more when it's another person that looks like you that does it then if it's somebody else. Absolutely. Just because it's like, what I don't need, I don't want my fight. Yeah, I should make a fight with you about it. And that, that's the, that's the piece that, you know, that that would upset me or give me upset more than anything. It's expected. Because it's, you, you expected out of, you know, just out of ignorance. When I say ignorance, I mean, not knowing. I don't mean it by, you know, somebody being, yeah, it's just, you just don't know because you've never been around and nobody ever told you. But somebody else that looks like you grew up like you.

34:23That's the mother of father. Yeah. And then running that, it's like, this is why we can't. Yeah. Yeah, that's a whole, grow as a, as a group, you know, I think it's, but that's what it boils down to as a black man perspective. It's you don't want to give anybody anything to tear you down. And, and trust is valuable, man. Yes, and you can't just give it to everybody. So, and then for as a, because you don't know what they're going to do. Yeah. That's, that's it right there. You don't know whether you're going to help your hurt you. Yeah. And then when you have to lean on somebody, it ain't easy. Mm-hmm. But you know, when you start to really even like with my wife, you know, it ain't easy always telling truths and revelations about yourself. Because you put yourself, you know, you just feel like you put yourself in a fire. Yeah. And then you just wait and see. If you fell short. Yeah. Yeah. But, but as a man, it's, it's, it's not as deep as far as, you know, the culture and,

35:31and what you've seen, but it is the same when it comes to society. Because society, especially in the army, right? The society, army society of a man, or the society, what society thinks a man should be and on top of that thinks what a, a matter of fact, look at Pete Higgseth right now, right? That joke is, and I'm talking about how the world and society tries to make men look and how they should be. Higgs-Joker is doing testosterone, testing. He's doing, you know, the Republicans are sitting there talking about, you know, what a man is, who's manly, you know, if you're, if you're carrying yourself like you're a man, they're actually calling people, they're saying this dude ain't no man. This guy shouldn't represent, and look at the president. It's the same thing going on of where there is an image out there on what people think

36:40a man should be. And if you go by all of those, you'll never be able to be yourself, you know what I'm saying? And then secondly, it's always about macho, it's always about strength, it's always about almost bullying, you know, if they're so, the definition of what a man is, and then you take it from that, and then what a woman thinks a man is, you know, sitting there trying to build yourself around what they think, all of them think a man is, and you're just like, how am I supposed to freaking live up to all this stuff? I can't be scared. I mean, it's exhausting. You got to run around and be an asshole. Absolutely. Especially if you're not that, you know what I'm saying? Especially if you're not an alpha mindset. So now because you're not an alpha mindset, you're not a real man. And so now you still, even an alpha mindset, you're not an ass. I mean, you're trying to take, you just want to be in front taking care of, you see something

37:45that you want to take care of. You're trying to lead. You're trying to keep groups to get. I mean, that's, it's not running around and dragging. You want to buy a ponytail down to the, yeah, running around and what's the cartoon the butch where it's like, do, do, do, do, do. But yeah, it's not that crazy, that cave man shit. Yeah. And that's what society puts it, like, you know, like, so first off, trying to identify the type of man you are and then trying to be the type of man that all those different elements I'm talking work, I'm talking society, I'm talking your spouse, your, your kids, trying to be that type of man. It's just like, nobody's that, nobody's that everybody has some of that. I mean, it's a time, you know, in a place. Yeah, yeah, to be there. Yeah, where it is required. Yeah. And then being a leader and understanding leadership, you understand there's a time in

38:50a place, you know, there's a time when you put the iron hand down, there's a time when you're compassionate, there's a time when you listen and then there's a time when you direct, you know, I'm saying. So it's one of those things where, and I, I think that goes back to your other question is, need being a leader and evolving out of leader as a leader is what started to adjust how I cared myself as a man and also adjusted how I communicated with people about my life and me. His growth. Yeah, 100%. I mean, and that's what you want to grow. Yeah, you don't want to be. Oh. Yeah, you see, you see people that don't grow or they just talk. You're like, you're the same joke I do back in the didey for. How are you still? I'm like, what's going on? All right, so this is it, right? What has handling everything alone cost your closest relationships?

39:55I guess for some folks just to see who I am truly, you know, you want folks to, and maybe it's just because of the older, I'm not, well, talk about, I'm not in competition when anybody's like, okay, cool, you know, this is me. Yeah, this is how it is. You know, it's, it's, you want folks to, you know, I was one of people to trust you. You know, whether it's your kids, you know, they can depend on you. Yeah, I mean, and that's what it is. You want folks to know that they can call on me. They need something, you know, I'm here. So I mean, yeah, I mean, what it's, what it's cost is me not trusting somebody, then maybe they don't not going to trust me, you know, so it costs me that when it's like, that's not, you know, that's not what I'm talking, you know, that's not what I meant by it or that's not, that's not it.

40:57It's, it's just that, that piece of the relationship, you know, green dealing with folks is just like, I think you, I got to open up and got to trust somewhat, you know, in order for people to, I mean, I know that, and that's probably for me. In order for me to trust you, you got to trust me also, you know, so, and it's not everybody. I mean, and it's not, it shouldn't be everybody anyway. Those people who you consider close to you, you should absolutely, I mean, it shouldn't even be a question. Yeah, I'll just, the answer to question straight up, it's cost me relationships. I know it has. And I'll say from, from boy girl relationships to work relationships to just friends, it's called because, you know, I've always been, I've always said this before, I was self focused

42:03100% and by being self focused and not opening up, yeah, it's messed up relationship. But the biggest thing for me is it's stalled relationships and that's where I'll talk about Nikki to where it's, with Nikki, we'll just start with like in the beginning, you know, it's that facade. And then over the years, your actions and all that sort of lock in who they think you are. And then you've, some of your actions have been, you know, bad, you know, poor choices, poor decisions, you know what I'm saying. So we make them absolutely. And then it's, I can't speak for every man, but it's hard to things. It's hard to completely open up to somebody. Pure. Secondly, it's complicated on how to even do that.

43:09You know what I'm saying? It's like I tell it even now with Nikki. She's like, she made the comment that you talk a lot on the podcast, you know, but we don't really have a lot of those conversations here. And I'm just like, it's really hard to have conversations if you're not asked something or if you're looking to talk about something, you know. So like when I sit down with Nikki, I don't have an idea of my head. I'm going to this subject we're going to talk about now, you know. And so, and so I asked her, I was like, just please listen to the podcast. And then if it spurs more questions, then we can have that. You know, but I don't know how to, especially if you don't do even with even what your wife and you, when you, because I can go up to start trying to have a serious conversation. She'd be like, well, you talk about it. What's wrong with you? You know, you have to be like, no, seriously, seriously.

44:10Yeah, you know, I'm trying to like seriously, hold on seriously. Then it's like, oh, okay. You send up your playing or something. And it's like, that dog, right? If you be, you're like, I think you do nothing. Yeah. And that's, that's, that's, that's very real, man. That's very real because it's, yeah, that's good Lord. That's real. You finally hype yourself up, you get yourself, I'm going to, I'm going to lay it on the table. It is the one person you try to give it to. They're like, who could play it? I get that. I understand that. But it's, I'll just say, man, unless fathers are teaching you how to be open at the same time that we know fathers are teachers, you how to compete and how to win. That is a hard thing to balance because my whole life winning matters, you know, that's just the way I was raised and then it multiplied in the military.

45:15It's just that hunger, man. I mean, it's just like, I think that we were raised by a generation that taught us that, you know, where you are, that's not, you know, you want to do, you want to do more, you should want to do more. And that was just always in our minds is that, okay, I did, okay, now, I can, you know, if there's something else, I can do that too. I know I can do that too. You know, so, and I can tell you, that's the one thing that I struggle with with my kids are, is like they're brilliant individuals, but it's like they get comfortable. It's different. And it's like, okay, you know, instead of like, okay, what's going, what's going, what's going to be next? Yeah, it's just that far. Yeah, it's not, I mean, it's like, I wanted, you know, and I guess that's the attitudes like I want it now. I got to have it. Yeah. I want it now. I want to have it now. What's the next thing? Let's, so. Yeah, that's crazy. At the end of the day, I think a lot of us men have gotten really good at saying, I'm

46:19good. Even when we're not, we'll carry the financial problems, the relationship problems, the family stuff, the failures will carry all of it and convince ourselves that keeping it to ourselves is strength. But sometimes it's not strength. Sometimes it's fear. And I think that's something I've had to look at in myself because you can have people, you who love you, people who would absolutely show up for you and still feel alone because you never gave them the opportunity to show up. That doesn't mean you have to tell everybody everything. Trust can be built a little at a time. But at some point, you've got to let somebody see what you're actually carrying. Because if the people closest to you only know the version of you that has everything together, there are parts of you they've never been allowed to know. And maybe being fully known isn't losing control.

47:22Maybe that's where you finally find some peace. Bars. So if this conversation connected with you, please share it with another man who may be carrying more than he's willing to say. And tell us in the comments, have you ever felt alone even when you knew you had people who loved you? Alright, and subscribe to Four Titles One True. Wherever you listen to podcasts and follow us on YouTube for more honest conversations about being husband, father, veterans and black men. And as always, brother, let's keep the conversation going. Alla.