When Success Isn’t Enough: Karin Velicka on Stress, Nervous System Regulation & Real Change

0:00You are listening to I Am Refocused Radio with your host, Shemaya Reed. This show is designed to inspire you to live your purpose and regain your focus. And now here's your host, Shemaya Reed. Welcome back to I Am Refocused Radio. Once again, we are here today and we have another show on it for you all today. Today, we are going to talk about high achievement. High achievement can look like success from now side. While a person is living, it may be exhausting. They may become disconnected and they can hide it because when you're under pressure and you're a high achievement, that kind of comes with the territory. Well, today we have a special guest, Karine Villecca, and she knows a little bit about this. We're going to learn about her, not just amazing accomplishments in life, but what she's doing within her own community to help them move forward. As a former national squash champion and finance professional at the European Central Bank,

1:03she now works at the intersection of nervous system regulation, emotional resilience, authenticity, and personal transformation. So I'm going to cut right to the chase and say, first of all, Ms. Karine, thank you for being here this morning. How are you doing today? Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm doing really great and I'm looking forward to our discussion. You said that knowing what needs to change is not the same as being able to change it. Let us unwind that a little bit for our audience and explain that further. Yes. Yes, very often we have the rational understanding of what needs to be done. Very often we read self-development books. We are really following psychologists, but it's not the same as really knowing how to live our life in a way that we wish. Very often we are struggling with change. We know rationally what to do, but we are not really prepared in our nervous system to live authentically from that change.

2:09So this is a huge difference between the two. We have the understanding, but we don't really feel safe to go towards something that is unfamiliar and to really change in our core. We look at high achievers. Do you think that they actually are being worried for a living or is it something that comes with stress or is it a combination of both? What do you believe tends to get high achievers a little bit in that stress world? Well, that's a beautiful question. There are many different reasons why people can become high achievers, but very often I believe it is caused from fear or stress to prove our value. This is what I have found throughout also some of my clients that are high achievers and very often it is about proving that I deserve to have the seat at the table.

3:09What we work on is how can I feel safe within myself, within my own nervous system so that I can show up authentically. So that then we are not really living from the fear, but living from the authenticity that I can really show to the world who I am and not be afraid that I would not be accepted. What are the warning signs, if you will, that ambition has crossed the line into chronic pressure? Well, I also like to say that ambition itself is not something to fear or something that we should not allow ourselves to have. I am also very ambitious person, but there needs to be very clear boundaries in self-care and ambitions so that we don't really bring work into our homes. So when we say early signs of our ambitions and how that can come with pressure, I would like to also clarify that what does it mean to be successful and what does it mean to have this ambition?

4:18So if I clarify within myself why am I showing up in this way, what does it mean to be successful? Then it really allows me to understand what is the reason why I am showing up at my work or in projects that I really care about. So it's not really about trying to decrease the level of how much I wish to be successful or why I am striving to be ambitious, but it's really about understanding whether I am trying to be successful because I'm proving something to other people, because I fear that if I don't show up and if I don't prove myself, I will lose value or I will lose my friendships or I will lose my standing point. So that is what we work on to really understand what lies behind the ambition and is it truly that I am an ambitious person or there's the pressure to perform. So that is what we really look at. Am I showing up from a place of performing or is it truly something that comes from authenticity?

5:26So let's not refocus ready in Washington, that's online talking to our guests today, Korean, the LAKA, and you can find her on LinkedIn. She's going to share how you can do that later on the show. But when you look at stress that can remain stored in the body, what does that actually mean for our viewers on this list? We have not really learned how to close the stress, so the loop of stress. So very often we go through a certain situation that can get us to a high level of stress and this adrenaline is going to live in our body unless we discharge it. So unless we actually let it go and release it and that is what I'm working in either in breathwork or in somatic sessions, which means that we are actually learning how to close the loop of stress. And you can imagine it that very often we are carrying different stress in our lives. For example, stress from workplace, stress from family environment or stress that is happening something in our friends group.

6:34And you can see it as if you had the Google Chrome and you had many different types opened. And that's how you can view stress. How many of the tabs you have opened that is related to stress and how is it showing up in your nervous system? And what then we are doing is looking at the different stress and how we can start closing the tabs. And that's how we are actually able to close the loop of stress and learn how to discharge it from our bodies and learn that if I do get into the stress level, how can I come back? What type of tools can I use? And very often there are so many different tools that we can use, whether it's meditation, reflection through journaling or what I'm using the most is actually breathwork. And the one that I'm using is neurosomatic breathwork because it is helping the body feel safer. And also we are using not only the breath, but it's also connected to movement and allowing ourselves to have sound.

7:37And allowments of the emotions that are showing up in our body or in our nervous system. So that is how we can actually discharge all these different stress. And the whole work is about learning that stress itself is not bad because we might come into situations when where we might need it because it's a signal of our body to heighten our senses and respond to a situation that could potentially be dangerous. So my body and my nervous system is always trying to protect me. But when it becomes a problem is when we actually don't really learn how to let it go, how to let go of the stress. So then I can be carrying stress from several years ago when a situation happened and I'm still holding on to it or dwelling on that situation. You mentioned breathwork when you think about how a lot of people are talking about burnout nowadays. Or some ways, I mean, you can obviously do that in recovery mode using breathwork, but what are some ways that we can do a better job preventing ourselves from becoming burnout?

8:48Well, there are many different tools that we can use from for burnout. There are two things that I would like to say about this. The first is that we need to work with our mindset. That is, for example, how I work in coaching to set some boundaries and understand why am I overperforming? What are the reasons for it? What are the patterns? And that's where we look at, am I really performing because I believe that I'm gaining some value or what are the different coping mechanisms? Because very often we are working a lot because it's a coping mechanism how we can actually belong in certain groups. The one part would be the coaching part, the mindset and the vision and looking at our patterns, our coping mechanisms and why it's so important for me to overperform, to the point that I could burn out. And the other point of view is actually taking care of the nervous system.

9:49And this is where we talk about breathwork. This is where we talk about meditation. It's about learning how to take care of my nervous system because we are very often so disconnected from our nervous system. We never really learned how to connect to our body, connect to our nervous system. And that is why there are different tools that we can use. And that's how we can start to feel safety because when I get to know myself, when I connect to my body, I can really start to tune in. And there are different things that we can use, whether it's, as I mentioned, the meditation, breathwork. And it can really help us from burning out because I always take care of myself first. So my body, my nervous system can feel safe that I'm taking care of it because I'm creating space. And it's also helping me to expand the capacity of the stress levels. So this is how we use breathwork through this new, this new, systematic breathwork.

10:50I'm expanding the capacity of how much I can handle stress because first I am closing the loop of stress. And I'm also learning how to take care of my body in stressful situations. Some learning that I'm expecting to have a certain stressful situation. So beforehand, I can prepare for it. Or I have gone through a very stressful meeting at work, for example. And afterwards, I can create or do some breathwork session or I can use some tools that are going to help me discharge this adrenaline or energy from my body so that I can calm down much easier. Speaking of calm down, a lot of people talk about self-sabotage and lack of discipline, but how much of those two things can possibly be coming from a stress response? Well, self-sabotage is very often linked to many different things. We cannot really say this is the reason why and especially it's different for everybody else.

11:59Generally, what I have found is that we are not feeling safe in unfamiliar situations. And that is what happens also with change. As I mentioned before, I know who I wish to be. I know what type of person I would like to show up, but the change feels too much because I am going towards something that is unfamiliar. So self-sabotage is linked to my nervous system, doesn't feel safe when I divert from my routine. And this is why it's so helpful to have somebody as either a coach, a therapist, a mentor to help us feel safe in that situation. So one part of it is, again, nervous system regulation. How can I expand the capacity to handle this stress of going towards something new? And the other part is once again learning about our own coping mechanisms. Why am I self-sabotaging? What are the limiting beliefs that are holding me back from actually going towards my dream life, my dream self?

13:08So very often we have a huge vision who we would like to be, but it's also we would like to be that person tomorrow. And this is what we need to realize that we cannot go from zero to 100. We need to go step by step and we need to go slowly but consistently. And this is what I also see very often. We have advertisements that are telling us that we can change our whole life within 90 days. And we are always trying to find the quick fix. But when we are getting to know ourselves, it's really a journey that is going to take us quite a long time. And from my own experience, how I'm going through my own journey, I see that I keep learning more and more things about myself. So I am in self-development journey for about five years. And there is always something that is coming up, a limited belief here or old pattern is sometimes resurfacing. So it's a lot about finding compassion and learning that we need to create small, consistent steps that are going to get us there and actually find, find account, the litig group or a person that is going to help us to get there.

14:24So that when I do fall back, there is somebody to help motivate me or help me get back on the track. And when you are on the track, it's always an ongoing construction project. No one can say truly, well, disclaimer, most people cannot say truly that they have made it and they no longer need to work on themselves. That's not necessarily always the case for most people. But when you think about your background, say earlier, you have background in high level finance, but also as a competitive athlete, how has those environments helped teach you about pressure and not just show up with the habitability to like you said earlier, reflect on some areas that you can work on. That's a beautiful question and both of the environment have taught me so much, especially sports at the beginning, I was playing sports when I was a teenager for about 10 years.

15:26And what it has taught me is resilience and discipline. And it's also that you might not be motivated all the time. So motivation itself is not enough. And it's about showing up when you don't really have the energy or you don't really feel like it. And that is why I keep saying that accountability group or a person is so helpful because you're going to show up if not for yourself, sometimes you do shop for the other person because there's a coach that is going to help you get better. So it's definitely helped me to find the discipline and also handle stressful situations because you are thrown out into the court and you have to also adjust. You have to be flexible, but you also have to know your strategy forward. So it's a beautiful way how to get to know yourself in such a stressful times. And then in being a high achiever in institution that is also very, there's a lot of pressure. I was working in finance as well and we had year end closings.

16:32So this is when the things need to be done because there's a deadline. And this has also told me so many different things. One, as I mentioned before, it's the boundaries, time boundaries and also how to tell your needs to your team to your team leader. So there are many different ways how to look at it. And it is also about learning how to have relationships with other people in a way that I can actually take care of myself in that relationship as well. So it's really all about learning how to show up in a way that I can really be authentic to myself, speak about my own needs and actually have boundaries with myself as well. It's not always boundaries that we give to other people. It's also boundaries that if I say that I'm going to be at work until 6 p.m. I actually I am at work until 6 p.m. So it's a lot about discipline as well.

17:32So both of these environments, they taught me perhaps even the same things, but from different perspectives. And it's a lot about discipline showing up and learning how to have boundaries also with myself. Listen, I refocus ready and watching this online talking to her. I get today, Korean, Veleka, and when you think about someone who might be in career transition, you think about their professional identity in that process. How can they do a better job separating what they have known themselves to be in that professional career versus the opportunity for the next role for the next season of their professional life? Yeah. So there are also many different ways how to look at it. I always love to start with reflection and making an audit, for example. What are the activities that train me, what are the activities that actually give me the energy? And already creating such an audit can give us the understanding in which type of environments I would like to spend more time and actually cultivating some relationships there.

18:44I also love to speak about different roles that we are playing and how can we actually show up in a role that is authentic to me. And we're always going to play different roles. So we have a role in our family. I am a daughter, I am a partner, and at the same time at my workplace, I am playing a role of being a coworker. So it's all about also clarifying for ourselves what does the role mean for me and where am I not showing up in a way that is authentic to me. And as I mentioned already before, it's all about having also consistent steps that are smaller and digestible. Very often we create a huge visionary goals where I would see myself in five or ten years, but we rarely look at ourselves where I would like to be. What can I create, what are the small steps I can bring into my everyday life that are going to help me get better within a shorter time frame.

19:46And how can I actually keep doing that and showing up every single day until it becomes so automatic that I no longer have to think about it. So there are many different ways and many different things we can do when we are in a transition, but what I would recommend the most is to do it. Is going step by step with smaller steps that we can really they don't feel heavy, having account to be a person or a group. So either a coach or a community or a mentor or somebody who will help me get to my next goal. I also very much recommend nervous system regulation, whether it's through meditation, journaling, breath work, or there are many different ways how we can get to know ourselves and take care of the nervous system. And yeah, then it's all about showing up and being true to ourselves. If someone's listening to Washington is right now and they feel like they've been pushing themselves for years, but they are starting to feel disconnected from themselves.

20:58What they want to do, but maybe they have trouble putting towards what they want to do. What is a positive step forward that they can take today to start that journey. It depends on each person as everybody has their own style what they can do. There are many ways how we can get to know ourselves. And I always like to just start with taking five minutes for ourselves just to tune in, whether it's going for walk, whether it's doing meditation, but allowing ourselves to also get bored so that we can start listening to ourselves. These days we are so overwhelmed with information, whether it's from the news or from social media, that we don't really take time for ourselves to process all these different information and give ourselves the time to reflect on our life. So I would recommend taking just a few minutes to really tune in.

22:00And then I see how much I'm actually allowing myself to get to know myself, allowing myself to have that space to listen and see what's inside. If people want to connect with you further and understand all the other resources that you have for them, what's the best way that our listeners, our mirrors can connect with you. I am on LinkedIn and I'm also posting there my blog from SapsTech. I have a dear me community on SapsTech where I'm also writing blogs and also going deeper on the nervous system regulation. And then they can also see my website, velitskakarin.com, where I'm describing also my coaching services or I'm also posting there the blog so that you can know a little bit more about me and my work. You know, listen, I'll be focused really on watching those lines talking to our guests today, Kareem Velaka, if we haven't covered something that you want to share with our viewers and listeners, was your final thoughts as we wrap this up.

23:08Thank you so much. I'm sorry, sorry, I can understand that question. Yeah, my final thoughts are that we always need to celebrate and reward ourselves for the work. It doesn't always mean that rewarding ourselves to take ourselves for ice cream every time. It means to take the time for ourselves and celebrate the steps that we are already doing. Very often we are working on the punishment level. I will punish myself if I don't do something and instead I would love to work in a way. How can I celebrate myself for actually making the small steps? So I would invite people to start celebrating themselves more in the sense that I can sit with myself and just feel grateful that I have done the steps that I set myself up to do. Once again, this time we focus on reading and watching those lines talking to our guests Kareem. Like always, thank you for your time.

24:09Thank you so much for inviting me.