ShortHand: Joan of Arc

0:00Hello! Or should I say salue bonjour? We're E3! Welcome to Shorthand where we are covering another historical figure that is probably you know the name of? No a bit about to be honest and quite understandably have concerns that you might not have been that well. Yes I think definitely. Top of mind for me. A story to you about what were you doing at 13 years old? Going to Disneyland again, making a nice Instagram and if you haven't seen the live show you miss the pictures. I was very wholesome child, Hannah. What were you doing at 13? What year is that? Year 8. Your 9th the worst year. Your 8 was okay. Yeah something weird and

1:06wholesome. I was getting bullied and developing and eating disorder I think. Hooray! Don't send your kids to single sex schools. Definitely don't. Unless they're boys who do better at single sex schools. Girls don't. I don't care. I think it's awful. It is awful. Don't send any of your kids to anything like that. I also did ballet which didn't help but my friends who've got a little girl were asking me about whether they think that they should put her in ballet. I was like well it becomes problematic when you're much older and also I took it far too seriously and also wasn't very good at it. So I pushed myself to an unreasonable limit but I would have done the same thing with like Tidley Winks. I just am that person so it didn't matter. It wasn't ballet but that to me that's just who I am. But the father of this little girl was like well ballet just sexualises girls. I was like well and this is me and the mum agreeing on this.

2:07Firstly ballet is almost entirely an all-female environment which has its own problems but secondly she's going to get sexualised anyway. You're not yeah. Not putting her in ballet isn't going to stop that from happening. I wouldn't have said but I didn't do ballet. I don't know anything about ballet but I wouldn't have said it's like the most sexualised. No. It's not like she's joining the fucking cast of QT's. Yes exactly it's not a... it's not pageantry. The maker of who was French. Ah! Well done. Your finest work. But whatever we were doing at 13 is a relevant and not very impressive at all because unless you were leading armies to world-changing military victories ordained by God himself you haven't got shit on Joan of Arc. And that name is amongst the best known in history particularly for women. So much so in fact that Joan is in danger of

3:10veering into folk legend territory but the thing is when it comes to Joan of Arc it all actually happened. She really was an illiterate peasant girl who convinced the king that she'd been sent by God to march his troops into war. She really did cut her hair short and dress like a man like Mulan and lead real armies to real victories just when all hope was lost. The only thing we're not a hundred percent certain of are her trippy st. Phil visions. We're not taking them away we're just calling them into question. So just who was the maid of Orlion? And just how did she do it? This is the shorthand. So yes Joan won a battle or two in the 15th century and maybe that on its own might not blow you away even though she was a teenage girl. But to really get a handle on just

4:14how incredibly important Joan of Arc was and how influential her actions have been on the entire global order to this day. We're going to need to brush up on the hundred years war. That's my least favourite. Well suck it up. Because by the time Joan received her first visions from God England and France were already knee deep in the longest war in history. My most hated fact about the hundred years war. How long do you think it was? I was in the Simpsons I can't remember. 116 that's the one. Just call it what it is. Is? Anyway my most hated war started in 1337. Mine's World War I. Look we're going to fall out in a minute. In 1337 there was a bit of a to do about who was the right for King of France.

5:15Edward the third of England thought that France was rightfully his and that he should rule both countries together at the same time. And to be fair he was the next in line after Charles IV, the previous King, but crucially and medeously importantly only on his mum's side, weaker claim. The French said that women did not have the right to pass succession and also they just really didn't want to have an English King. So they chose someone French a little bit lower down the pecking order to take over Charles IV. Edward did not like that so he started the war that lasted not a hundred, 116 years. There were brief breaks during that over a century for truces etc and also quite a chunky pause when the Black Death wiped out half of the population of Europe. But mostly those little holidays aside, five generations of kings fought non-stop for

6:18over a hundred years over who got to rule France. So let's skip about 80 years of it to 1415 and the Battle of Agincourt. France at this point was not doing so well. It had been at war with the English for decades and on top of that there was a small matter of their King, Charles the sixth, having totally lost the fucking plot. Charles had been unstable for a while but he was now having full on psychotic episode in which he couldn't remember his own name would refuse to wash or get dressed and believed that his body was made of glass. This guy I've read about him. I actually have it on my list for short-hand episodes to do on people who think they're made of glass. But that's for another day. So what else was he up to? Well Charles also wore clothing that was reinforced with iron rods and said that if anyone touched him it shatter into a million pieces. So yeah basically it's what's referred to as the glass delusion which is a psychiatric disorder

7:18recorded in the 15th to 17th centuries. Basically glass was pretty new back then and was regarded as a magical material lending itself pretty nicely to psychiatric disorders. That is interesting isn't it? Yeah it's on the list. Anyway while Charles the sixth was slowly descending further into a glass stained madness France broke into a pretty nasty civil war they loved those. Charles's brother Louis ding ding ding fancy the throne for himself and started to gain influence in the south and his lot became known as the Arminyaks and then if you looked to the western sky the juke's of Burgundy had been steadily gaining power of their own and they were taken land left right and centre. So with a civil war raging between the Arminyaks and the Burgundians and the king more worried about stray opera singers than invading forces England saw its chance to strike and they did on the 25th of October 1415 English King Henry V managed to lead a relatively small army

8:27to an astonishing victory near Calais for the French that was bad. Back then it was taken as an absolute fact that God decided the outcome of battles so having lost the French had a lot of soul searching to do especially when the English started taking more and more of northern France for themselves. So the Arminyaks and the Burgundians decided that they would have a little meetup to try and smooth things over and if you're conjuring game of thorns images in your head hold on. Did you watch that film the King with Timothy Chalamet? No it's got him and Robert Patterson and it's just like it is good it's just like a very slow brooding somebody who just like is obsessed with history like made a very long film about the Battle of Arshankot. It's good I but you got to have like four hours of your life. Timothy Chalamet I've been well and fine can't do

9:29Patterson then can't fuck with Patterson can't do it don't make me I won't. So in 1419 on a bridge at Montorow in the north of France the two groups met to resolve their differences but it didn't get very far. You see a few years before Louis the leader of the Arminyaks had actually been killed on the streets of Paris by supporters of the Duke of Burgundy. So a few Arminyaks who very much hadn't forgotten this ran onto the bridge and plunged an axe into the Duke of Burgundy's face. This was absolutely red wedding level explosive. Burgundy was now angry directionless and without a candidate for King. So Burgundy decided to back the English and team up to take those French pricks down once and for all. They figured out it was better that their King was a Brit than a guy who thinks he's made of glass whose brother killed their Duke. It's a fair and logical conclusion to come to. So with the Burgundians on

10:31side the English took Paris and absolutely ransacked it to help the war effort. Paris was grim at this time with homes being torn down for firewood people starving to death in the street and wolves stalking around to eat the corpses. The English had by this point claimed a third of the French territory. Soon afterwards Henry V threw up a treaty saying that either he or his son would become the next King of France. This was approved by the Burgundians because of the whole axe thing and the mad King Charles the Sith. Henry V turned out did die pretty soon after this was all agreed of dysentery the medieval battlefield classic and his son Henry the Sith surprised was not the greatest tactician around mostly owing to the fact that he was 10 months old

11:35when he was crowned the King. But the fight continued led by various owls and jukes and the English army went from strength to strength. If you're feeling lost don't worry we'll recap. We've got two warring sides in the red corner got England backed by the Burgundians. Their King is baby Henry the 6th but the war is doing just fine even though he's a baby. It's Timothy Shalame. It's Timothy Shalame. I wonder what he looked like as a baby. Angular. Yeah cut his mum coming out. And England they have most of northern and western France under their belts and they're advancing all the time and then in the blue corner is Arminyak. Their choice for King is now Charles the 7th the son of Mr. Glass and we're going to refer him as Duffa which is the word for prince or heir that's Robert Patterson. Okay boo.

12:38And the Arminics have the south and the centre of France but they are losing land day by day. So now everything the whole war and the outcome of it and who gets to be the King or hinges on allure. Allianne is a city on the river Luar to the south of Paris. The English knew that if they could take the city and cross the river then central France was theirs and then they'd be on the home straight. So they sent huge forces of English and Burgundian soldiers to siege allianne. This siege carried on for months and it was looking like the French would have to surrender. The Dophaume was losing hope. They couldn't hold the English off forever. What he needed was a miracle. Luckily for him in the small village of Domremey a young peasant girl was visited by the arc angel Michael who told her that she would lead France to victory. Who asked you Michael? Honestly

13:44this girl's name was of course Joan of Arc. Except it was not a junduck which was spelt D-A-R-C and the initial D was assumed probably by a stupid English person to mean D-As-In-Of. You have a lot of French names that have like D-Aposter-F-E. But they are wrong. So Joan's name was mis-translated somewhere along the way to Joan of Arc like she was from a place called Arc but actually there is no place called Arc. In reality her surname was just pronounced dark. Joan dark is cooler. There's cooler. Much cooler. Joan of the night. Anyway, Symantex aside, Joan grew up in a small Arminyacon clave surrounded by Burgundy Interratory in the west of France. So, war had been all around since she was very very young and through Joan's youth the prophecy began to circulate in her village that told of an armed a virgin who would come forth to say France.

14:49Joan's family were illiterate peasants but so was everyone. It's not like Joan was particularly poorer than anyone else. Still, expectations of her life didn't amount to much more than learning to sow and milking some cows and stuff. Joan's family were very devout so was everyone. But Joan, it does have to be said even as a child was absolutely mad for Jesus. So much so the children would tease her for her pick me piety. If Joan heard the church bells ringing she would drop her knees and start praying which is even a medieval franceberry of noxious. But scoff all they might, the joke would soon be on them. Because one day the prophecy would come true. At the age of 13, Joan, dark, Joan of the night, night Joan saw a light in her garden. She then heard voices saying that God was with her and soon she was seeing a series of saints,

15:55Michael, Margaret, Catherine and Gabriel. They told her that God wanted her to lead an army against the English. They said that the dofa, Charles VII, was the rightful king and that she would help the Armenians to drive the English into the sea. Joan vowed to remain a virgin for the rest of her life and set out to go find the king and let him know the plan. In most stories about Joan, the next step is that she arrives in front of the king. But it wasn't quite that easy. Her first step was to go up to a soldier and say take me to the king to which he said no. And so slightly deflated, Joan went home to recruit. But Townsvoke had overheard the plucky young girl talking about how she could save France. And they were so desperate that they just about believed her. And words soon started spreading about her divine visions. And soon enough, loads of people were on board

16:56were trying to get her in front of the king to see if this random teenage girl could maybe shift the dial. Yes, the war was going quite that badly. Yes, but in this particular time in history, 13 is middle aged. And also there was an entire children's crusade, children marched across Europe to try and take the promised land back from the heathen. So like it's yes, it is entirely ridiculous. And I'm not saying that it happened every day. But it is not as nuts as it is now. Makes sense. As it would be now. Yeah, yeah. And word of this peasant girl reached a local juk who happened to be quite friendly with the king's mother-in-law, Yolanda, and he passed on this news to her. Yolanda was doing some serious behind the scenes PR for the Arminyat war effort. And she is the often forgotten MVP of this entire story. So we're going to credit her where others don't because it was she who really appreciated how much this young peasant girl was firing

18:03everyone up. People were for the first time in ages getting pretty pumped up about the possibility of beating the English. And Yolanda, she thought it was worth a punt. So Joan was escorted across enemy territory to the south. Since she knew the journey would be tough, Joan cut her hair short into a boyish bull cut and popped on a pair of trousers. Diling down the gullishness was initially probably an effort to dodge sexual assaults on the way down. Plus it's way easier to ride a horse in trousers. Still, it became her signature look and the new and drudgenous vibe, beautiful holy but fierce and brave, would inspire France for centuries to come. Because if she loses her virginity, she can't fulfill the prophecy. Yeah. Yeah. So let's get to the dophan. Charles the Seventh. He's up in his castle, feeling absolutely cooked. The French are facing almost certain defeat. But he's also a superstitious fella. So when his mother-in-law says that she's

19:05got a potential sign from God, well, oh Charles here, oh he's all is. He's out of ideas. He really is. He's scraping the barrel as it is. When you start taking counsel from a teenage girl, you're out of ideas. When you start taking counsel from your mother-in-law, you're out of ideas. Oh, true. In one telling of this story, Yolanda and the King gave Jonah test before she was even allowed to appear before him. Joan entered a room to see a man sat on a throne wearing golden clothes. And everyone's like, aren't you going to say hello to the dophan? And Joan says this is not the dophan. It's Mill House. Yes, obviously. We're in 1429. No one knew what the rulers look like, so very difficult to recognise them. Anyway, the guards don't drop it, and they say, yes it is. I can't believe that you're not bowing, but Joan insists that it is not the dophan. And then she turns her back on the man in gold clothes and goes into the crowd of onlookers.

20:07And she looks them all up and down, and when she gets to one man, she says he is the real dophan. And then she takes a knee, and he's like, yeah, Fairfax, that's me. I am the dophan, well done. So everyone is agreed that it's a pretty good start, the night Joan. Joan then went on to tell Charles that she'd been sent by God to lead the French army against the English, and to take him to his rightful coronation. Now like we said, the dophan was superstitious, and also desperate, and his little switcheroo trick had worked a charm. Plus they needed something fresh, something to inspire the troops. They'd been steadily losing for 10 years. Maybe a new spiritual leader could be just the ticket. But many of the clergy were not so sure. So Charles summoned France's foremost theologians to review the sincerity of Joan's faith. First they checked she was a virgin, tick, then she was subjected to three weeks of spiritual scrutiny, long story short, she passes. And then they made her a commander in the French army

21:14at the age of 13. So now, if they hadn't already been all eyes were on all new. The first and most pressing mission for the Arminy Axe was to get the Brits out. As we said, if the Brugandians took Holyon, then they had a great chance of taking the rest of the country too. Also, the dophan really wanted to be crowned king in a very specific cathedral, in Rem, which Holyon just happened to be on the way to. But... May we remind you, Holyon had been under siege by the Brugandians for seven months by now. Still, Arminy Axe was all pumped up about his new champion. Joan arrived riding a white horse in shining armour and leather charge. The Brugandians were tired, they'd been seagulled, and they weren't prepared. When the Arminy Axe stormed the city led by Joan, running on pure charisma and energy and an

22:18absolute certainty that they would win, they fucking did. After seven months, the siege was lifted in just four days of fighting, just as God had all damed. And Joan kept the winds coming, leading armies into battle after battle, and coming out victorious every time. And every one of those winds brought them closer to Rem. Until finally, on the 17th of July 1429, Charles VII was crowned at Rem Cathedral. The prophecy had come true. A god-fearing teenage girl had led the troops into battle, and Charles was king. But there was one more prize that Joan was after before she hung up her chainmail for good. She was coming for Paris. On the way, many of the towns surrendered to the Arminyak forces without a fight, especially

23:22when Joan would ride out solo, out to the English armies, trying to provoke them to attack and forcing them to retreat. Paris, though, didn't go quite as well. Even though they had God on their side, the Armin Axe were pushed back, and when Joan was shot in the thigh with an arrow, she was carried from the battlefield. That happened in September. The following May, after recovering, one would have thought, Joan had to go at seizing Compienche, a town just north of Paris, but it was hopeless. Joan was taken prisoner by the Bagundians, and they swiftly sold her on to the grubby English. And I cannot say this in bold enough. The English fucking hated Joan of Arc. Like we said, God decided the outcomes of all wars. So the English had had a lot of explaining to do after Joan kept kicking their arses on the battlefields quite much. Yeah, it is. Especially since they'd been outfort and outsmarted by a teenage girl.

24:28But now they had her. She was put on trial. And even though it was pretty clear to everyone, what the outcome would be of this trial, they took the whole thing very seriously. Joan was tried by a group of Burgundian French clerics at the English King's castle in Rowan. Seventy charges were initially brought, though these were later reduced down to 12 that they considered to be the strongest. Their aim was to prove that Joan was committing heresy, so that the coronation of Charles could be shown definitively to be false. Wasn't just about saving face. They needed those holy receipts. So Joan was interrogated for months by clerics and theologians about the specifics of her visions, what she'd heard, seen and felt. And eventually they got her. Joan started to describe the faces of St. Michael and St. Catherine, and the Theologians suddenly had their proof. They all knew that saints and angels are just spiritual beings with no faces or voices.

25:30Joan was a fraud. And when they had what they needed, they burned her at the stake. Joan's already quite short hair was shaved off totally, and she was burned alive in the center of Rowan. The executioner had been told to wait until her clothes had burned off and rake away the fire to expose to the crowd that night Joan was just human after all. Once the fire died down, Joan's ashes were swept up and scattered in the river, so they couldn't be saved as holy relics. So that was the end for Joan of Arc, who bravely accepted her fate and died at just 19. And as we said, her legacy was a lot more than a few military victories. After they lost Joan, their spiritual leader, the Arminyaks kept fighting, and they won the Hundred Years' War. The Burgundians had decided to hedge their bets and get behind the Arminyaks after all,

26:31and in 1453 after 116 really boring years, four months, three weeks, and four days, of non-stop bloodshed, the English were chased out of France, apart from a little teeny weeny bit of calais. And just like that, the longest military conflict in European history was over. So Joan of Arc had a huge part in helping France solidify its shaky ever-changing borders, had a massive impact on European history, and in the transformation of both France and England into the nation states we know today. Both countries became more centralised and gradually started defining themselves as global powers. They did a lot of this self-defining in opposition to each other. Pretty much all of the English French cultural rivalry comes from stereotypes spread over the course of the following few centuries. The English thought that the French were pompous and snobbish. So simple roast dinners, and pubs and bucolic British pastimes were all the

27:34rage, especially because the English had been totally bankrupted by the war, and it was kind of all anyone could really afford at the time. Whereas the French thought that the English were simple and uncivilised, they essentially invented oak cuisine and all restaurant culture as we know it. The poet Voltaire described England as a nation of 42 religions and only two sources. He's not wrong. We could go on. In 1920, 500 years after Joan of Arc's fiery death, she was canonised by the Catholic Church. Why did it take the big old Pope man so long to make Joan a saint? That's a tough one to answer. It's because a big group of Catholic clerics, who represent the Pope, interrogated Joan for months, and they ruled that she was guilty of 12 counts of heresy. Protestantism hasn't happened yet, they're all Catholics. So to make her a saint after burning her for being heretic,

28:37bit of a U-turn, bit right? Super awkward. I mean, they've got themselves out of moral. Even still, Joan of Arc is the patron saint of France in its entirety, and in many ways, a national symbol. She was brave, and visions or no visions, she did have the strength of character to inspire a nation at its absolute bleakest. And when it comes to national symbols, you could do a lot worse. Then a mentally ill teenage girl. I don't. I don't doubt that she was unwell, but I do think of... She got shit done. She got shit done, and also whether she actually said this or not, I don't care. But there is a story where she's about to ride out to meet the English right, and that's women's like, are you not afraid to approach these soldiers on your own, and Joan just goes, I am not afraid. I was born to do this. And that's what you should say to

29:38yourself in the mirror every morning. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, you've all just got to believe in yourself to the extent that Joan... Joan of Arc did. And if you get burned to death, at least you went out fighting. Exactly. That is the only reason this podcast is here. Who the fuck did we think we were to start in this show? So you know what? I agree. Do it. Get shit done. Be not afraid. Be not afraid. Yield peasants. That's it guys. That is a very quick run down of the incredibly incredible life of Joan of Arc, aka Joan Dark, aka Joan of the Night, whatever you want to call her. She's yours. And we'll see you next Tuesday for another short. Goodbye!