Matthew Chapter 28: Bible Study by Atheists

Jesus is dead, the tomb is sealed, guards are posted, and Matthew 28 opens by immediately throwing an earthquake, a glowing angel, terrified soldiers, and a missing corpse into the mix. Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary” arrive at the tomb, get informed that Jesus has risen, and then promptly run into the allegedly formerly-dead guy himself. Resurrection accomplished. Evidence standards… considerably less accomplished.

Then Matthew gives us one of the stranger attempts at explaining away competing resurrection stories: the chief priests allegedly bribe the guards to claim Jesus’ disciples stole the body while they were sleeping. Which raises several questions, including the obvious one... if they were asleep, how the hell did they know who stole it? Meanwhile, the Bible zombies teased in Matthew 27 apparently vanish from the narrative entirely, leaving Husband increasingly furious that Scripture introduced a literal mass resurrection and then couldn’t be bothered to follow up on it.

And then comes perhaps the funniest line in the entire Gospel: after everything these disciples supposedly witnessed, miracles, demons, walking on water, crucifixion, resurrection, Matthew 28:17 still admits that “some doubted.” From there Jesus delivers the Great Commission in Matthew 28:18–20, ordering his followers to make disciples of all nations. That launches us into a much bigger rant about missionaries, Christian political power, biblical illiteracy, and the maddening reality of people demanding society obey a book they may barely have read themselves.

And with that… we have officially finished Matthew. The verdict? Not spiritual. Not beautiful. Barely coherent. And somehow one of the foundational texts influencing American religion and politics. Next up: Q&A, contradictions, a Matthew wrap-up, and eventually… Mark. God help us.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• Matthew 28:1–10: An earthquake, a glowing angel sitting on a rock, frightened guards, and Jesus apparently refusing to stay dead.
• The empty tomb problem: “He’s not here” somehow becomes proof that resurrection is the only explanation.
• Matthew 28:11–15: Priests allegedly bribe the guards to spread the stolen-body explanation.
• Whatever happened to the Bible zombies from Matthew 27? Seriously. We were promised zombies.
• Matthew 28:17: Jesus returns from the dead…and some of his own disciples still doubt him.
• Matthew 28:18–20 and the Great Commission: the biblical marching orders behind centuries of Christian missionary activity.
• Why Christians pushing biblical morality into politics should probably read the damn Bible first.
• Our final verdict on Matthew: prophecy stuffing, bizarre narrative choices, theological whiplash, and one deeply unsatisfying ending.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“I wish the surety that you have that we're going to hell matched the surety of what you know about your f*cking Bibles.”

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